SLEUTH

SLEUTH Screenplay by Harold Pinter Adapted for stage by Nosana Sondiyazi

SLEUTH

by Anthony Shaffer Produced by The Public Theatre March-April, 1995 A Study Guide Prepared by Martin Andrucki Professor of Theater Bates College The Public Theatre and Professor Martin Andrucki own all rights to this Study Guide.

I. THE PLAYWRIGHT "Anthony Shaffer was born in Liverpool, England. . . . He is the twin brother of dramatist Peter Shaffer, author of . . . Equus (1973), and Amadeus (1979). . . . When the family settled in London in 1942, after frequent moves about the country, Anthony entered St. Paul's school. From 1944 to 1947 he served a period of conscription as a coal miner in Kent and Yorkshire. Following that obligation, he entered Trinity College, Cambridge where he was editor of the literary magazine,Granta. Shaffer believes that a man should be able to change his life about every five years, and he pursued in turn, after graduation from Trinity in 1950, careers as a barrister, a journalist, an advertising man, and a television producer. During the 1950s, he wrote three mystery novels with his brother, Peter. . . . The novels use many of the conventions Shaffer purports to parody in Sleuth. The detectives are amateurs and dilettantes more intelligent than the diligent but plodding police. . . . [One of the novels] contains a staged murder, as in Sleuth . . . and all the novels contain references to the theater. . . .

"In 1963, apparantly at the urging of his brother, Anthony wrote his first play, The Savage Parade, which deals with the secret trial in Israel of Rudolph Bauer, a former SS officer and mass murderer of Jews. Almost as in a mystery tale, suspicion falls successively on three men until Bauer is unmasked despite his new identity and his earlier attempts to avoid capture. Although the play received a brief but favorable review in the London Times, it closed after only one Sunday evening performance.

"That single-night run was thoroughly compensated for by Sleuth's London run of 2,359 performances and its 1,222 performances on Broadway. Sleuth won the Antoinette Perry Award as best play of 1971. T.E. Kalem, in his Time review, declared that if Sleuth 'is not the best play of its genre ever, it is neck and neck with the best.' Shaffer subsequently wrote the screenplay for the successful 1973 film version directed by Joseph L. Mankiewicz and featuring Laurence Olivier and Michael Caine.�

---from The Dictionary of Literary Biography 13 II. THE SETTING The play is set in "Andrew Wyke's Norman Manor House in Wiltshire, England. It is stone flagged, and a tall window runs the height of the back wall. It is divided laterally by a minstrels gallery which, in turn, is approached by a winding staircase." Scattered about the room are various toys and games from the past and present: chess sets, draughts, card games, and such early pastimes as Senat and Nine Men Morris. "Sitting by the window . . . is a life-sized figure of a Laughing Sailor."

The latter object moves and emits the sound of recorded laughter at the push of a button.

This setting vividly reflects the personality of its owner, Andrew Wyke, an immensely successful British mystery writer. It resembles the innumerable spooky old houses that provide the background for English murder mysteries by authors from Conan Doyle to P.D. James, a tradition Wyke himself practices in his own books. Thus, he inhabits what is virtually a scene from a novel, an environment that belongs more to the imaginary world of fiction than to everyday, ordinary reality.

Not only does the house reflect Wyke's obsession with the inventions and deceptions of fiction, it also echos his fascination with games and game-playing. These two concerns obviously are related, since writing a mystery novel is essentially a matter of constructing an intricately crafted plot which obeys the rules of its literary genre; it is like playing a game with the reader.

III. THE PLOT "Andrew Wyke, an aging mystery writer who has created the famous detective St. John Lord Merridew, lures his wife's lover, Milo Trindle to his . . . house. . . . Although Andrew's only crimes so far have been imaginary, 'in the mind's eye, so to speak,' he now convinces Milo to dress in a clown's outfit and stage a robbery of his wife's jewels. He will help Milo fence the jewels and pocket the insurance himself, and both will be well served: Milo will gain the money he needs to carry off the affair and andrew will be certain his wife will not return to him disenchanted with Milo. As Milo completes the 'theft,' Andrew announces the idea was all a charade to kill his wife's detested, lower-class lover and make his death 'the centre piece of an arranged bit of fun.' Pistol to the pleading Milo's forehead, Andrew fires point blank.

"With the opening of act 2, Inspector Doppler accuses Andrew of Killing Milo, who has not been seen for several days. Andrew explains that the supposed murder was all a game intended to humiliate Milo. The bullet had been a blank, and the humiliated but unhgarmed Milo had left safely that evening. If so, asks Doppler, why is there human blood on the stairway, Milo's suit in the closet, and a fresh mound of earth in the garden? Andrew's game has backfired, Doppler asserts; the bullet had nbeen real, the circumstantial evidence irrefutable, and Andrew must contemplate a seven years' manslaughter sentence 'to regret silly games that go wrong.' As Andrew pleads his innocence just as Milo had begged for his life, Milo stribs away the mask of Inspector Doppler and boasts of having planted the incriminating evidence. The score is even now and andrew would quit the game, but Milo refulses, declaring that after facing his own death, he can 'stand outside' and see himself 'for the first time without responsibility.' Milo now tells Andrew that he has committed a real murder. He has killed Andrew's mistress, Tea, called the police, and planted three pieces of evidence incriminating Andrew, which he must find before the police arrive in just ten minutes. While Andrew, playing now for his life, searches for and finds the clues, Milo reveals that he had learned from Tea of Andrew's impotence and taunts him with his 'dead world' of 'coldness and class hatred, and two-dimensional characters who are not expected to communicate.' Now, though Milo calls this just another game, Andrew cannot let him leave to mock him in the neighborhood. When Milo attempts to go, Andrew fires real bullets into him just as the police arrive."

----From The Dictionary of Literary Biography 13 A conspicuous feature of this plot is the extraordinarily strong role played in the action by the device of "reversal." According to Aristotle, complex plots require two elements, discovery and reversal. A discovery occurs when one character learns some utterly unexpected piece of information about another character. This discovery then produces a reversal, a change in the situation to the opposite of what it was a moment before. In Sleuth there are four such reversals: one at the end of Act I, and three in the course of Act II. IV. CHARACTERS Andrew Wyke is a man who is more at home in the world of games and imagination than he is with real events and real people. He is unloved by both his wife and mistress, but he nonetheless exerts all of his ingenuity to keep the former under his control, while he boasts about the latter's infatuation with his sexual prowess. Human relationships are not what is important to him; rather he seeks the satisfaction that comes with exerting power over others, with manipulating and controlling their lives. He deals with people as if they were pieces in a game of chess--objects to be moved about the board for his amusement.

His cruel game in Act I with Milo is a clear example of this trait. He wants to punish Milo for having an affair with his wife not out of wounded love, but because, as he says, "She's mine whether I love her or not. I found her, I've kept her." Like a man playing chess, Milo wants to keep the pieces he has captured; otherwise, there is no point to the game.

However, his gamesmanship is also what keeps him--at least until the end of the play--from crossing the line between imaginary and real crimes. He has no desire to be trapped by the messy and unregulated impulses and problems of actual life. Rather, he prefers to live within a world governed by rules that he knows and controls--the world of his novels, and the world of his stunted emotional life. As he explains to Milo, "a game of intrigue and revelation mean more to me than people--even the ones I'm supposed to be in love with."

Milo Tindle has a markedly different relationship with the world. Unlike Wyke, a rich and powerful Englishman, Milo is an outsider, the son of a half-Jewish Italian immigrant who failed in business and returned to his native country. Milo has thus experienced more of the rough and tumble of life, its hardships, disappointments, and occasional joys. He genuinely loves Wyke's wife, Marguerite, and wants to make a life with her.

Perhaps the clearest insight into Milo's character is provided in the venemous assessment Wyke makes of his rival: "I hate your smarmy, good-looking Latin face and your easy manner. I'll bet you're easy in a ski lodge, and easy on a yacht, and easy on a beach. . . . I hate you because you are . . . a wop--a not-one-of-me." What Wyke recoils at is Milo's comfort with himself and with the world outside the Norman mansion, the ordinary world of lodges, boats, and beaches. Milo's relaxed enjoyment of everyday life, as much as his ethnic difference, is what makes him most emphatically a not-Wyke.

Andrew and Milo are thus polar opposites--a frequent situation in dramatic pairs. They complement one another, just like Hamlet and Horatio, or Laurel and Hardy, or Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton.

On the other hand, some critics have seen in their relationship a reflection of the psychology of twins, an interpretation influenced by our knowledge of the relation between Anthony Shaffer and his more famous playwriting twin- brother,

, Peter. In this view, Andrew is driven by an ineradicable need for Milo, a need for someone who is his equal-- his twin--in gamesmanship. Thus, in the second act, after Milo has had his revenge, Andrew tries to explain the reason behind his original deception: "I wanted to get to know you--to see if you were, as I suspected, my sort of person," by which he means "a games-playing person." When Milo asks if he is, Andrew's reply is prompt and definite: "Most certainly. There's no doubt about it." By Act 2, then, Andrew has revoked his earlier judgment about Milo's insurmountable difference from him, and has begun viewing him as his brother in intrigue.

V. THEMES This is a play that examines the line between imagination and reality. In Act I, Milo is certain he is facing death when Andrew pulls the trigger of the gun, but the whole situation turns out to be a clever scenario contrived by Andrew. The seemingly--and terrifyingly--real is converted in an instant into a "scene," a kind of grisly practical joke. The same is true in Act II, when Milo twice convinces Andrew that he is about to be arrested for murder. A terrifying threat is transformed into a mere game.

Andrew is certain until the end of the play that he is the master of this world of games and illusions, convinced that he need never be dragged into the uncontrollable circumstances of reality. However, reality cannot forever be kept at bay. Andrew's passions--his anger, humiliation, loathing--get the better of him in the end, and he crosses the line into actuality by shooting Milo with genuine bullets. Real feelings for once have real consequences in the life of this man who has tried to orchestrate his life as a novelist writes a book. With the killing of Milo, Andrew loses control over the script of his life; or rather his life crosses over from a kind of bloodless fiction into grim reality.

(Bold) Gita (Italics)Puma/Detective Music Patrick Doyle Lighting Computer reflection in dark room Set 1 Elevator, Door, round white carpet, four designer minimalist chairs, bar table, fridge, Book stand, Stone wall with book titles, 1mx1.5m photograph of Gita, Glass dining table with 2 chairs, Set 1.5 Curtains/Elevator Set 2 Bedroom, mannequin, bed, wardrobe, chest of draws(bar table), hidden safe.

Sound Key board typing, car on gravel, engine off, car door opens & closes.

Knock on door

Andrew Wyke, Puma Milo Trindle

Stage

Gita

Behind Set Lighting

Medium lights on stage left and outside. Puma visible offstage behind set.

Yes? Off stage

Gita Lele?

Doorway

That's right.

Off stage

I'm Puma Shamin.

Doorway

Oh, yes, good. Glad to meet you. You got the Gau train , did you?

Off stage

I drove.

Doorway

Oh, you drove?

Off stage

That's my car.

Doorway

Oh, the little one?

Off stage

Not the big one.

Doorway

No, the big one's mine. What do you think of it?

Off stage

Very handsome.

Doorway

Yeah. It is, isn't it? Come in.

Lighting Medium lighting indoors with shade on unused areas (bookshelf/ photograph/ stone book titles, glass dining table shaded) Stage centre to stage front near bar table

I was watching a video of one of my books on television. Like the house?

Extraordinary.

You know who designed it, who the interior decorator was?

Yes, your wife.

You knew?

Yes, I knew.

I'll show you around later. Have a drink. I'm drinking vodka.

Scotch, please.

Scotch.

Puma, what an interesting name. You're a foreigner, I take it?

My father's Italian.

Puma sounds Nigerian.

Does it?

Both at bar table.

Here's your Scotch.

Cheers.

Cheers.

You sure your father isn't Nigerian?

Well, if he is, he's kept it a dead secret for years.

And your mother?

Xhosa.

So you're a kind of half-breed?

Sit down.

Puma sits on single chair

Thanks for agreeing to see me.

Gita stands opposite him behind single chair

Not at all.

I didn't know you wrote plays for television.

I don't. I write crime novels. You must know that.

I had heard.

But sometimes they're adapted for television by other people. You know what the word adapted means, I take it?

Adapted?

They may not have such a word in Italian.

I speak English.

Good.

Both to stage right

Come and have a look at my special book room.

Sound Lighting

Electric door Spotlight on stone wall with book titles

These are all my novels. You've read them, I suppose?

Afraid not.

Good God, no? What about this one?

Suicidal Love Letters? - No. Physical Divine? - No. The Beard and The Horn? - No. The History of Prostitution? - Afraid not.

God, you're one in a million.

Am I? Oh, absolu... I'm very popular.

Lighting

Spotlight on Book stand

You see this shelf?

Translations.

French, Dutch, German.

You speak Dutch yourself, do you?

Yes, how did you know? I have a Dutch uncle.

Can't see any Italian translations.

No, they're a funny lot, the Italians. Culture isn't really their thing.

Their salami's good, though.

Oh, is it?

Italian salami? Best in the world.

Did you bring any with you?

No, I left it at home.

Oh, shame.

We're gonna have it for supper tonight. With a couple of bottles of Valpolicella.

We? - Linda and me.

Ah! Your glass is empty. What were you drinking, vodka?

Scotch.

Scotch.

Stage centre

I want to come to the point.

Point? What point?

Are you gonna give Linda a divorce? And if not, why not?

Yeah, yes, yes, we'll come to that.

She thinks you're being unreasonable. So do I. She's never coming back to you, so why not just give her the divorce?

It'll do her good to wait for five years. Good for her character.

You're going to make her wait five years?

That's the law. The law of the land.

But that's pure spite.

At bar table

Anyway, we'll get back to that, perhaps. Have your drink first. What do you do, by the way?

I'm an actor.

Good God. Are you really? I thought Linda said you were a hairdresser.

She must have been talking about someone else.

You mean another friend?

Another friend?

She tends to have more than one friend.

Does she? - Oh, yes.

I'm her only friend.

She must be lonely.

She's not.

Acting is a pretty precarious profession, isn't it? What are you acting in at the moment?

I'm out of work.

Poor guy.

I drive cars now and again, chauffeuring.

A little bit.

I keep my head above water.

Stage right

What sort of parts do you play?

Killers, mostly. Sex maniacs, perverts.

Holding whisky bottle

But you're so charming.

Yes, I know. Anyway, what about this divorce? What's your position, exactly?

Lighting Dark room except spotlight on glass dining table.

Upstage right Glass dining table 2 chairs

All in good time. Come. Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable.

I understand you're fucking my wife.

That's right.

Right. Yes, right. - So we've cleared that up.

We have.

I thought you might deny it.

Why would I deny it?

Well, she is my wife.

Yes, but she's fucking me.

Oh, she's fucking you too? Well, I'll be buggered.

Sorry. - Yes, it's mutual.

You take turns?

We fuck each other. That's what people do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I follow.

We're in love.

You're in love?

That's right.

Gita rolls whisky bottle violently to Puma

Let me top you up.

I heard a rumour that you wanted to marry her. - That can't be true, can it?

Puma pours himself more whisky

Why not?

In this day and age, is marriage absolutely necessary? Isn't it a bit old hat?

Is it? - It's a mug's game.

I wouldn't go near it if I were you. You can't marry her. You can't marry her because she's married to me. Unless I divorce her, of course.

And are you?

Am I what?

Going to divorce her? Are you really gonna make her wait five years? - She wants to know.

To be honest, I can't wait.

But there are one or two things I'd like to clear up first.

For example, I've never heard of an Italian called Shamin .

My father's name is Shaminoli.

Now, that's lovely. That's like a little a ting.

Why don't you go back to Shaminoli? It suits you.

You think so?

Why not. So if and when you marry Linda, she'll be Linda Shaminoli.

Do you get a kick out of that? What name do you act under? Shamin or Shaminoli?

Shamin.

Why have I never heard of you?

You will before long.

Really?

In spades.

- That sounds threatening. – Does it?

Doesn't it?

Why don't we get down to brass tacks?

Brass tacks, yes. Why not?

This is the way I see it.

Come upstairs. I want to show you something.

Curtains close Music

Patrick Doyle

Are you all right in elevators? It won't make you sick or anything, will it?

Curtains open Stage

Dining table replaced by a double bed. Book stand replaced by lady mannequin/ wardrobe/shoeboxes

Her stuff as you can see, a lot of it is still here, worth thousands. This leather coat alone 5000. So you see, the thing is this.

Sit down. The thing is this, my wife spends money like water. So if you're not careful, she'll eat you out of house and home. She was born to luxury, you know. Jamaica, the Ritz, the Swiss Alps.

What are you? Out-of-work actor, part-time chauffeur. You're out of your depth, old boy. You're on a hiding to nothing.

If you think you're broke now... ...you'll be 10 times broker by the time she's finished with you.

She'll have your guts for garters.

She's in love with me.

Gita upstage centre Puma on bed behind her

Oh, never trust in love, very few exceptions. Love will kick you up the arse as soon as look at you.

One minute, it's love, 10 minutes later, it's contempt.

That's your own experience, is it?

Oh, no, no, no, that's observation. Don't forget, I'm a novelist. I observe people.

What I'm getting at is you won't be able to give her what she wants. So she's gonna leave you, come back to me.

I don't want her near me. That's the last thing I want. I've had her up to here.

Anyway, there’s always distractions, less permanent. Someone new really she runs a sauna in Sandton.

So you see, I want Linda to stay with you. I want you two to be together forever.

But unless you listen to me... ...the whole thing will be a fucking disaster... ...with catastrophic consequences all round.

But I have a solution.

Puma and Gita face to face

You won't believe what I'm gonna say.

What are you gonna say?

I'm all ears.

You know something? I'm beginning to respond to your charm.

Get away.

No, it's true.

I'm really touched.

You should be. Tell me, I bet you didn't expect me to be so intelligent. So quick-witted, did you?

Oh, I did. Quite.

Linda told you, did she?

What's your solution?

Puma and Gita get back into the elevator

It's a close fit, isn't it? For two. Hahaha Music Patrick Doyle Curtains close. Puma and Gita in front of curtain

Listen, I'm going to make you a proposition. A few years ago, I gave her some jewels. Amazingly expensive. I didn't give them to her, I own them. They're insured in my name. But I let her use them on special occasions. They're worth 10 million rands. They spend half the time in the bank, half the time in the safe.

At the moment, they're here in the house, in the safe.

And I want you to steal them.

Steal them? - That's right.

What the hell do you mean? - I want you to steal the jewels.

You want me to steal the jewels? I don't get it.

It's simple. You steal the jewels, sell them abroad... ...and you live happily ever after with Linda.

We’re all happy.

You can keep Linda in the manner to which she's become accustomed.

You want me to take part in a scummy little plot... ...to defraud your insurance company, is that it?

I thought it was quite elegant.

What do you think I am? What the fuck are you actually talking about?

These are real facts. - This is a joke.

No it isn’t. - It's also a trap.

A trap? - Yes. You think I'm a fool.

Well, are you?

It doesn't hold up.

Why not? They're worth a 10 million rands. You'd get a fraction of that from any fence.

I have already contacted a friend of mine in Mozambique.

And he will give you 8 million rands tax-free.

Now, think about it. 8 million rands... ...tax-free.

Why would he do that?

When you steal the jewels, you will also steal the receipts.

So he'll have title to the jewels as well as the jewels themselves... ...so that when he sells them, he gets full value. Got it? Think about it. Take your time.

Music Patrick Doyle Curtains open. Puma and Gita return to stage centre living area

And why would you do all this?

Listen, under this crooked exterior, I am a simple, honest man. Every word I've told you is true, I swear it.

I want to get rid of my wife, but I want it to be solid, permanent.

I don't want her on my back. I want her to stay on your back.

This is a frame-up.

A frame-up?

Yes. You want to destroy me. You want to see me in jail. You want me to do this and then shop me to the police.

No, no, no.

If I shop you, then you'll shop me, and then we'll both end up in jail.

No, I take a strictly moral position on all this.

My wife is an adulteress.

Actually, she should be stoned to death.

Anyway, it's up to you. Make up your own mind.

You're asking me to trust you?

I don't give a fuck if you trust me or not.

This is a simple proposition.

You have an expensive woman and no money.

You wanna keep the woman, steal the jewels.

Why don't you steal the jewels and give them to me?

Don't be a bloody fool.

The burglary has to be right. The house has to be broken into.

Why don't you break into it?

For chrissake, I'm in it. How can I break into it? I live here.

Puma by bar table pours himself a drink.

Sound Cat meows outside.

Okay. If I were to agree to do this, would you agree to the divorce?

Why should I give her the divorce... ...if you're both walking away with 8 million rands?

She wants a legal settlement. - She wants part of your estate.

Greedy.

That's legal justice.

Never trust in legal justice. You know what legal justice is? It's farting through a keyhole.

Gita at Puma’s shoulder centre stage front

Listen, 8 million rands... ...tax-free. All yours, in cash. - Why don't you stop messing around?

But wait a minute. You get a 10 million from the insurance.

Sure I do. Well, all right, I'll be frank. I need it. Cash flow, stocks, shares going down.

Get me? Quid pro quo.

You do me a favour, I do you a favour, you keep the woman.

Okay.

Let's make a deal.

What deal? - I break in, I steal the jewels.

And you agree to the divorce.

That's the deal. Otherwise, fuck it. That's another quid pro quo.

But you have to shake on it.

All right. I'll shake on it. Here's my hand.

Okay.

Puma finishes his whisky

Okay. So, what do I do?

You break in. You see that skylight up there?

Well, that window there is the only one that the burglar alarm doesn't touch.

You get in there.

That's pretty high up. - Well, you climb a ladder.

I'm not good at heights.

You can do it. Honestly, I know you can.

You're having me on.

Oh, come on. Behave like a man. A man of action. You don't have to be a hairdresser for the rest of your life. You can be free, independent, take care of the woman you love.

Gita hands Puma a head set and wears another set.

Sound Strong interference electronic sound

Listen... Put this on. I use it to communicate with my gardener.

Lovely. Actually, it suits you. This is what you do. You go outside.

Across the lawn, there's a shed. Behind the shed, there's a ladder.

You take the ladder, put it up against the wall of the house... ...and I direct you through the earphone.

Are you with me?

Well, yes, yes. But I'm anxious and frightened.

Trust me.

But I don't.

Well, trust me and all will be well. Just follow my advice. It's got to look real.

We have to convince the insurance people... ...and the police, if you see what I mean.

Linda never told me you were such a manipulator. She told me you were no good in bed.

But she never told me you were a manipulator.

She told you I was no good in bed?

Oh, yes.

She was joking. I'm wonderful in bed.

I must tell her.

There's the shed across the lawn. - Shed, yeah.

There's the ladder behind the shed. - The ladder?

The ladder. Inside the shed, there's a pair of gardening gloves. Put them on. By the gardening gloves, there's a hammer.

You go round the back of the house. Put the ladder up against the wall by the lower roof. Then, carry the hammer up the ladder on to the lower roof.

Then, you pull the ladder up on to the main roof... ...and break the skylight window with the hammer.

Wait a minute. You've forgotten one major item.

What?

Once I'm in, how do I get down to floor level?

Gita and Puma move to stage right and look up off stage

Didn't I tell you? Oh, sorry. You see that small metal door up there?

Inside, there's an electric ladder.

You get through the window, I press a button.

Sound

Electric remote

The ladder descends.

You get on and climb down.

Let me see it descend.

What?

Let me see it come down now.

Sure. See? Easy as pissing.

I have a funny feeling that I'm a cunt.

Of course you're a cunt.

But so what? You'll end up a wealthy man. Obey the rules. Just obey the rules.

Whose rules?

My rules. Go and get the other ladder.

Gita sitting legs up on a single chair with foot rest, his earphones on holding an ipad.

Sound Soft interference electronic sound plus shuffling of the ladder Lighting Dark room, only light from ipad. Lights behind set offstage on.

Can you see the ladder?

Mockingly offstage

Can I see the ladder?

Sound

Ladder shuffle offstage.

Place the ladder against the wall.

Offstage

Okay.

Sound

Ladder shuffle offstage.

Extend the ladder.

Offstage

Okay.

Sound

Puma climbing ladder offstage.

Climb up the ladder.

Offstage

Okay!

Climb up the ladder. hahaha Offstage

Why am I doing this?

Shuffling of the ladder Puma’sheavy breathing

Keep calm. Keep calm. Keep coming. Keep coming.

Gita puts the ipad on the chair and looks up at his glass ceiling at Puma. Puma makes exasperated panic sounds offstage

Watch your step.

Offstage

Jesus.

Keep calm. - Watch your step.

I'm gonna die. !!! Fuck. !!!

Gita walks slowly looking at ceiling while Puma grunts on roof offstage

Don't stop. Keep going. Don't look down.

Gita is far stage right looking at talking to Puma on ceiling offstage

You're at the window.

Smash it.

Puma is shouting offstage breaking glass

Fantastic.

Offstage

Where's the ladder?

What ladder?

Offstage

The ladder. Where's it gone?

It's not working. There was always a dodgy fuse on this.

I'll phone the electrician in the morning.

Offstage

In the morning? What about now?

No, he'll be in bed. You know these country people.

Early to bed, early to rise. He's a nice chap. He's called Norman.

Charming wife, Debbie. Three delightful kids. Oh, I've just remembered. He's on vacation.

He's taken the kids to Bermuda.

Offstage

What? So I'm stuck up here for the rest of my life?

Have patience. Stoicism is what's called for.

Works wonders. Oh, wait a minute.

There's an emergency button on the wall. You see it?

That's it. Just press it... ...and all will be well. hahaha Puma panting offstage.

Sound Electric remote for ladder

There it is. Careful. Be careful. That's it. - Careful.

Offstage

- Is this as far as it will go?

Jump.

Puma jumps offstage Sound Puma crashing to the floor

Oh, Christ!

Wonderful. - Very, very impressed.

I thought I was gonna die. !

You will.

So, what the fuck do I do now?

You open the safe. - Where is it? How do I open it?

Wait a minute. You don't know where it is. You've got to find it, you've got to look for it.

Where is it?

Start in the bedroom.

Curtain closes

How are you feeling?

Gita and Puma are behind the curtain in the elavator

Okay, all right.

Excited? - Quite, yes.

You're a cool customer, I like that. Okay.

Sound Doors banging loudly. Coat hangers and clothes being thrown to the ground, shoe boxes being kicked. Boards breaking. Gita shouting excitedly. Puma grunting madly.

Curtains move from the chaos.

Open the wardrobe. Open the drawers. Throw things around.

You're looking for the safe. It's up here somewhere.

Play it for real. Kick the place to death.

You're a desperate man. Safes are always kept behind paintings, aren't they?

What are you doing?

I'm a desperate man, aren't I? That's what you said.

The man is a barbarian.

- Where's the fucking safe? - Well, open the chest of drawers.

It's locked. - Kick it to death.

Curtains open. Bedroom in chaos

And this is where I hear you.

You hear me?

Yes, I'm asleep in the study. That's where I sleep these days.

I can't sleep in the bed without my wife, you see. I hear you, I come into the bedroom.

And I find you.

And then?

I attack you. - How? Gita punches Puma in stomach and knees him

Like this. And this.

Puma elbows Gita

-That hurt.

So sorry.

Then, you get out your knife.

I don't have a knife.

I do.

Gita retrieves a knife from a draw

You threaten me with it.

You're threatening me.

No, I'm playing you. This is what you do. You want to know where the safe is...

Gita has the knife to Puma’s throat

...what the combination is, so you terrorize me with this knife.

Take it easy.

You can see I'm ruthless. I'm unpredictable. I'm probably a killer.

And I'm certainly very, very dangerous.

But you? You're obstinate.

Me or you?

I'm you, you're me, you get it? Now, the jewels are worth a lot of money. You won't give in...

Gita reveals a gun from her blazer

...but I get out my gun.

I'm still you, by the way.

But then, to make it clear that I mean business...

Gita fires a shot

Bull's-eye.

Gita fires another shot Sound glass shatters

Bull's-eye.

Finally, you give in. You're so terrified... ...you show me where the safe is. It is behind that.

Hidden safe revealed

Magic.

And you're so frightened, you give me the combination.

14-09-11. Open it.

Wait a minute. Am I me now?

Or are you me? - No, you're now you.

You're now you. - Me? No, no. - Or are you still me?

You're now you. And I'm now me.

Open the safe.

14-09-11 It was our wedding day.

The 14th of September, 2011.

Puma opens the safe

Jesus.

What do you think?

They're quite beautiful.

Put them in your pocket.

Eight million rands, eh?

That's what I said.

Okay.

So far, so good.

Hey, you'd better give me the address of that fence.

What fence?

The fence in Mozambique.

Oh, that fence.

Listen, you put that gun down.

Why? It's pointing directly at me. I'm not very happy about it.

Why not?

Look, is this a game?

This is the real game. The real game has just begun.

What's the real game?

You and me. You, defenceless. Me, with a gun. It's the end of the jewelry story, you see.

Oh, is it?

Yeah. I enjoyed it, though.

I'm not enjoying this.

I don't blame you.

What's it all about?

Oh, come on. Buck your ideas up. You really didn't think I was gonna let you have my wife and the jewels? You're joking.

You've been leading me up the garden.

Right up. Stand on the bed.

Listen. Wait a minute. Before you do anything, there's something I must tell you.

What?

Linda respects you.

Really?

Yes. She often says you're a man of true integrity... ...that you're a really decent guy.

She's right. I'm a really decent guy.

I believe it. – She's quite right. I'm a really decent guy.

I know you are. I know you are. And that's what she often says. You're... She admires your mind.

She admires my mind? – Yes. Your mind excites her.

Sexually?

Very. Your mind excites your wife sexually.

What about my body? - What about it?

Well, what does she say about my body?

Do you know, I don't think she's ever mentioned it.

You're a prick.

Where does my prick come into it? – I can guess where it comes in. But I wasn't talking about your prick. - I was calling you a prick. – Oh, thanks.

But you know what you are now, though?

What?

You're a dead duck. – Really?

This is the way the story goes to the police. I find you in my house, you threaten me.

You open the safe, you take the jewels. You put them in your pocket.

I manage to grab the gun while you're looking at the jewels. There's a struggle. The gun goes off. Suddenly, I realize you're dead.

You're gonna shoot me.

What do you think? Why? I planned all this from the word go. I've always longed for an intimate chat with a hairdresser.

Especially a hairdresser who is fucking my wife.

I'm not a hairdresser!

My wife is mine! She belongs to me! She’s my wife! And what you've done is this.

You've invited yourself to attend your own death.

Please. No, don't do it. Please don't shoot me. Please don't shoot me, please! I'll just get in my car and go, okay? That's all. You'll never see me again. You're crazy.

No, you're not crazy. You just got things wrong. I don't want your wife. I hate women.

You hear me? I hate women. I hate your wife! You've absolutely no reason to be jealous. Women are not my scene. I'd rather do it with a dog or a goat. Or a boy I knew at school. His name was Dougie. I called him Desdamona. I hate women! Honest. God's honor. Do you believe in God? Gita pulls the the trigger Puma falls backward. Gita stares at Pumas body whilst holding the gun.

Curtain closes.

Sound Announcement, there will be a short interval 25 minutes.

Lighting Bright on audience Curtains open Music Patrick Doyle Sound Car on gravel Gita sitting on chair in dressing gown watching a movie on her monitor sipping whisky

Just shut up.

I'm asking the questions, not you.

- How long have you known him? - I don't know him. I've never met him.

What are you? A joker?

Sound Car pulls up in front of the door Buzzer Gita answers the door

Yes? Gita Lele?

Yes. Detective Inspector Black. SAP. Eddie Black. I'd like a word with you.

A word?

That's right.

What about?

Can I come in?

Yes. Yes, of course. Like a drink?

Got any beer?

Beer? Yes. You're the writer. You write crime books.

That's right.

I've read a couple. Right on the button.

Gita in front of the fridge

Oh, that's a great compliment.

How do you know so much about it?

What?

Villainy. Crime. Horror.

Imagination.

Gita hands detective a drink

Imagination.

Clever.

I do my best.

Cheers. - Cheers.

I see you got a broken window up there.

Tropical storm the other night. Bit of a hurricane, terrifying. A great branch broke off a big tree... ...and flew through the air through the skylight... ...as you can see. Act of God. Had it in for you, did he?

Who? - God. Oh, yes, he's always been a vicious bastard. You know what God's trouble is?

What?

He has no father. He has no family roots. He's rootless. Nowhere to hang his hat, poor bugger. I pity him.

That's a very interesting philosophical speculation.

Gita stands behind detective, talks to his shoulder

Wait a minute. Aren't you a well-known detective?

Detective walks away

No. Not me, mate. You're thinking of another bloke.

Haven't I seen your picture in the newspaper?

Detective sips his beer from bottle while also holding the glass

Do you want to know my opinion of the newspapers?

What?

Detective sits on small chair drinks beer and leaves the bottle on the floor

Journalists are a bunch of prick-teasing cocksuckers.

Gita with her hands in her dressing gown next to bar table

No. That's right.

I'm sorry, but isn't that a contradiction in terms?

Is it?

So you're not well-known?

Puma gets up and moves to the monitor

No, I'm a common-or-garden copper. I just catch sex criminals, perverts... ...homicidal maniacs.

Gita picks up the bottle from the floor and wipes with her shoe

And what do you do with them when you catch them?

I generally cut their balls off.

Gita moves to a chair

I see.

Gita leaning behind a chair

So how can I help you?

Detective at Gita’s monitor

Yes, I think you can help me. I think you can.

How? I'm looking into a disappearance.

Disappearance?

Man called Shamin. Puma Shamin.

Sorry, I didn't get the name. What was it?

Shamin.

Shamin. Shamin..

What about him?

Do you know him?

Know him? Absolutely not.

You mean you've never met him? – Never. Never even heard of him.

- That's funny. – Why? Well, he was staying at the Red Lion in the village... ...where he mentioned to the landlord... ...he was coming to see you three nights ago. He hasn't been seen since. His bag is still in his room, shaving kit, all that.

He was coming to see me?

That's right.

He mentioned it to the landlord? Why would he mention such a thing to the landlord?

Well, you're a famous writer and you're well known in the district.

So how can you help me on this?

No one came to see me. I've no idea who this man is. And I know no one called Shamin.

Detective approaches Gita next to the chair he’s leaning on

You don't, eh? What are you? A joker?

What do you mean?

Detective in Gita’s personal space, Gita fails at getting away from him.

I mean you're pretty quick on your feet. You should have been a ballet dancer. I can just see you doing pirouettes.

Ever worn a pair of tights? – Not me.

They'd suit you. Nice house.

Thanks.

Design it yourself? - It's 18th-century.

No, no, I meant this. The inside.

That was my wife.

Oh, your wife. Is she here, by the way?

No. Popped up to Johannesburg? She's not here.

She's an interior decorator, then?

Something like that.

It's a great gift, isn't it?

You're a lucky man.

Detective lights a cigarette

You got an ashtray? I'm ready for another beer.

A man was passing your house three nights ago.

He said he heard shots.

Passed my house? How could he do that? It's private property.

He was taking a shortcut. I think he's a poacher. Anyway, says he heard shots.

What kind of shots?

Gunshots.

- Fantasy. - Really?

Horse manure. Who is this man? Are you sure he exists?

Oh, he exists, all right.

By the way, cheers.

Cheers.

Gita sits down next to Detective

I do want to ask you one more question.

Ask. You do know your wife's living in Johannesburg with another man?

That is my business. My private life is my business.

Do you know the name of this man?

Why should I answer these questions?

You don't have to, but you'd be better off if you did.

I don't know the man's name. I never asked.

Detective has a large swig of Groltsch

So you do admit that your wife's living in Johannesburg with another man?

Yes. Yes. So what?

Detective puts out his cigarette

Well, I can tell you the man's name.

It's Shamin.

Puma Shamin Is it? - Yeah.

The bloke who's disappeared.

The bloke who said he was coming to see you.

Detective retrieves a piece of paper from his wallet stands over Gita

We found this note in his room.

At the pub.

"I look forward to meeting you. Come to the house Friday, 6:30. Gita."

Is this your handwriting?

It is.

Do you remember writing this note?

How could I forget?

Detective returns the note into his wallet and into his pocket, sits on chair opposite Gita.

Lighting Spot lights on Puma and Gita

You forgot earlier. You said you didn't know him. You said you'd never met him.

I was lying.

Lying to the police. That will get you nowhere. I don't understand you, mate, honest.

You're a clever man. You write clever books. But you've made a balls-up of this one, haven't you?

Have I? Shamin came to see you three nights ago.

I knew him as Shamiloni. - Oh, I see.

He had an Italian father. - Get away.

A traditional Italian hairdressing family.

Is he a hairdresser himself? - I think he is.

He didn't come all the way here to do your hair, did he?

Not at all, not at all.

So, what did you two do when you got together?

We played a game.

A game?

A game with a knife and a gun.

A lethal game? – No. Just a bit of fun, that's all.

Okay, a bit of fun. So he came to see you. You played a game with a knife and a gun.

Three shots were fired, then he disappeared. So where is he?

Probably cuddling my wife. – That's the one thing he's not doing.

How do you know? – I've seen her. He was nowhere in sight. No. She's an anxious woman.

She knew he was coming to see you, you see. In fact, she insisted that he come to see you... ...as I know you know. She thinks you may have killed him.

She thinks you're round the bend.

She thinks you're a very dangerous man.

Me? She's joking.

So tell me, between ourselves... ...did you kill him?

I'll tell you exactly what I did. I pretended to kill him.

I shot him with a blank. I frightened the shit out of him.

Your man was right. Your spy, whoever he was.

There were three shots. The first two were real. The third one was blank.

He was terrified. When I shot him, he fainted.

When he came round I gave him a drink, pat on the bum... ...he left the house, his tail, if you want to call it that, between his legs.

And I haven't seen him since.

You gave him a pat on the bum?

Metaphorically.

You gave him a metaphorical pat on the bum?

Sure. - How did he take it?

What? - The pat.

He was fine. He told me that it was game, set and match to me.

So this guy had a sense of humour, is that what you're saying?

Oh, yes. He left the house with a twinkle in his eye.

So tell me, what was the point of all this?

Humiliation.

It's nice to see your wife's lover... ...a shivering, frightened, fucking wreck in front of you.

As a matter of fact, I liked him. I thought he was attractive.

I thought we could have become good friends. The shortest way to a man's heart, as I'm sure you know, is humiliation.

It binds you together.

You found him attractive?

I put myself in my wife's shoes, in a manner of speaking.

I was trying to find out what attracted her to him.

And did you? – Oh, yes. He was really terribly sweet. - I could see why she fancied him.

I could see why he fancies her.

Really?

Found her very tasty myself.

Is that so?

Oh, yes. Sumptuous. Ready for action. I mean, I'm an experienced detective.

So guess what I detected.

What?

Detective licks his lips. Gita minds her tongue.

That she's in love with her own body. Makes her dizzy with excitement.

You detected all this in five minutes?

Well, 35. Perhaps even 45.

Well, let's call it 55 or even a little bit longer.

You stayed for tea?

And cakes. Yeah. Yeah.

Must be funny for you to know... ...your own wife's getting a going-over from another man on a regular basis.

Going-over? I don't follow.

You don't?

Not a phrase I'm familiar with.

Means being fucked. - You mean like in sexual intercourse?

Yes, the old one-two. In like a lion, out like a lamb.

I must say, you have a great gift for language. Did you learn it at school?

The hard school. Family life.

But you keep cheerful. – You've got it, I keep cheerful. I've got an optimistic nature.

You got to when you're a policeman. Otherwise, you'd go mad.

No, I'll tell you what keeps me going.

Detective motions with his fingers. Sniffs loudly.

The chase. The thrill of the hunt and the sudden shafts of bright light. For instance, when I was talking to your wife... Very attractive woman.

Wonderful legs.

She was crossing them at the time, I remember. She suddenly said you had a murderous nature.

Now, that really made my nose twitch.

Itch?

Twitch, babes.

Twitch.

Puma in Gita’s face

So I'm looking at you and I'm wondering... ...what have you done with the body?

Where's the body?

Come on, I need to know.

Where's the body? What have you done with the body?

There's no body.

Puma manhandles Gita

Don't fuck about! Don't bullshit me. I won't stand for it.

Puma holds Gita by the collar and grabs him roughly into the elevator Curtains close

Where is it? In the house or did you shift it?

There is no body!

Here, look at this. You got holes in your walls.

They're bullet holes. Live bullet holes.

I fired two live bullets to set up the trick... ...and one blank to complete it.

It was a game, I told you. I played it to the hilt. It's not worth playing unless you play it to the hilt.

The third shot was a blank? – That's right.

Curtains open Puma shoves Gita onto the bed their heads looking down on the floor

What's that? - What?

Blood. Dried blood!

Some of it's not even dried. It's still damp.

That's impossible. - That's blood, sista.

Whose blood is it? - It's impossible.

It was a game. It was a blank.

No, it was a game with real bullets and real blood.

This is a carve-up.

Let's see what else is new around here.

Hello, what's this? We've got a shirt, jacket and trousers in the back of your cupboard.

Very negligent of you, babes, unless they're not yours.

No, I don't think they're yours. I think they belong to Shamin.

You say he left the house after you shot him.

Yes. - Naked?

I don't know how those got there.

So you made him strip before you shot him?

Part of the humiliation, was it? No. The thing is this.

It might have started as a game, but it got out of hand.

The third shot was live! It killed him. So where's the body?

I didn't kill him! He's alive!

Detective grabs Gita in handcuffing motion. Throws her back into the elavator

Lies. You're a joker, all right. A real joker. Come on, we're off to the station.

There's something very wrong here.

Hey, dead right. I'll tell you what you are. You're fucked.

Jesus Christ.

Don't struggle, my sista. I'll have you for breakfast.

There's something wrong here.

You're up shit creek, Gita. You're up shit creek without a paddle.

Look at you. All a quiver. Who's the dead duck?

Detective strips his disguise to reveal he is Puma

Jesus Christ.

Puma animatedly takes off his wig

You're the dead duck.

I just sucked you in and blew you out in little bubbles.

It's you.

It's me, all right.

You bastard. You stinking bastard.

Just a little game, Gita.

Just a little game.

You shit.

I thought it might amuse you. – You're a total shit.

I know I am.

But you're also a genius. – I know that too.

Puma removes his gun holster, shirt, tie and fake belly.

When did you do this? The clothes in the wardrobe? - The blood?

The blood belongs to a pig's liver.

But when did you do it? How did you do it?

I did it last night. I used that ladder. I heard you snoring.

Does Linda know about this? Your detective, was it her idea? How much does she know? – She knows nothing about it. Entirely my own idea. This is a game between us, old gal.

Between you and me. Don't forget, I'm half Italian.

Puma guzzles down some still water, throws some on his face to wipe off the rest of the disguise with his shirt.

We go in for revenge.

After all, you frightened the life out of me deliberately.

You fired two live bullets into the wall... ...and then you pointed the gun at me. And then you fired. I don't like guns.

They kill you.

Okay. So, what does this make the score? You've had your revenge.

So, what do you reckon?

One set all?

No, no, you're way ahead. I only teased you with my inspector, gave you a few goose pimples.

But you frightened me to death.

Did you really think I was going to kill you?

You fainted, you see. It was a blank.

I may be three games up in the second set.

If I had killed you... ...I'd have to bury the body in the garden or somewhere.

Too exhausting.

But you won the first, 6-Iove.

So we're a long way from one set all.

By the way, I spoke to Linda. I told her all about you. She loved it.

Loved what?

That I frightened the life out of you. That you pissed your pants. And that you actually fainted.

She said to me, "You mean he actually fainted?" I said, "Dead out, he was scared shitless.

Went out like a light." She laughed so much, I thought she was gonna burst.

Oh, incidentally, she's coming back to me.

Oh, is she?

Yes, that's right. You know what she said about you?

What?

She said: "Faint heart never won fair lady."

Is that a fact?

Yeah.

Listen, I want to show you something. Go into your study and sit down.

Go into my study?

And sit down.

Puma goes off stage right and releases the ladder and climbs on it.

What are you doing? - It's late at night.

You're reading a book under a lamp. Read something.

What's going on?

Read a book.

It's late at night. You're reading a book. You hear something. You look up. It's me jumping off the ladder. You see me with this gun.

You're caught like a rat in a trap. You stare at the gun, you're paralyzed.

I've come for the jewels.

Where is the safe?

What jewels?

The jewels. Where's the safe?

You know where it is I don't.

You don't? - Don't fuck me about, I mean it. Hahaha! Get up. You think this gun isn't real?

Puma fires a shot

Where is it?

Upstairs.

Well, let's go upstairs.

Get up these stairs or I'll ram this gun right up your ass.

The safe is behind ......... - How am I gonna get to it?

Well, you press the button and the button moves the tank.

Then press it.

Puma breaks ......

It's not working. It's out of ord...

Are you a maniac? You're crazy.

Open it I changed the combination yesterday.

Puma has Gita by the elbow and is holding the gun to her face

What is it?

I forgot. I can't remember.

Puma pushes Gita down violently

Remember It's the truth. I can't remember.

Puma kicks Gita while she’s on the floor

Remember!

What are you doing? What are you gonna do?

I've broken into your house because I know you have jewels in a safe.

I have inside information. I want them.

Remember the combination and open it.

Puma fires the gun again.

It was a blank. The next one's real.

Gita opens the safe, shaken

There's a good girl.

Gita gives Puma the jewels. Puma sits down satisfied

So, what are you writing at the moment?

What am I writing?

Yes, I'm very interested in literature.

Do you mind if I have a drink?

Sure. It's your house.

Gita pours herself a drink still shaking.

I'm always interested in the people I rob.

Like I'm always interested in the husbands of the wives I fuck.

Are you really?

Well, well.

Cheers.

So, what are you writing?

It's the story of a pathological killer.

I call it The Second Door. – Does he come to a bad end? He dies during the act of love. Like countless others.

Countless others, eh?

I can see you've researched the subject thoroughly.

What subject?

Death in orgasm.

Isn't that a beautiful notion? To die in the arms of your beloved.

Can you imagine anything more poignant?

I can't, no. - No. You're a married aren't you? - Yeah, been married 1 year.

It was love at first sight.

Very moving Yeah. And we're still in love. Like two peas in a pod.

Someone told me your wife has a lover.

She has, yeah.

Do you know him?

No, I've never met him. He's some sort of Italian. Called Tandoori or something.

One of the Bombay Tandooris?

You've got it, yeah. You know something? I've never met an artistic burglar before. That's fantastic. - What's your background? – Me? You. Irish. Connemara.

Spanish descent. By way of Uganda.

My grandparents were slaves.

My mother was a dark-eyed, dusky beauty.

Were you breastfed? - Oh, sure, like a baby.

Shall I tell you what I want you to do with these jewels?

What?

Puma laughing loudly with gun on Gita’s ear. Gita has the jewels on. Puma strangling her with the necklace

You look so charming. How do you want it?

Like this? Or shorter? How about this? Or even shorter like a halter?

You're hurting me.

Oh, am I hurting you?

Yes. Don't hurt me.

Are you sensitive to pain?

Very. Very.

I wouldn't want to hurt you, sweetheart. You're too much fun.

Am I really?

Oh, yes. You're wicked. I like that. Yeah.

Do you know something? I don't think these earrings really suit me.

You're right. Take them off.

I don't... I don't think this bracelet is really my style either.

But the necklace is nice.

I'm not totally sure.

Listen, you can play with these jewels until the cows come home.

They're yours. Do what you like with them.

But I thought you'd just stolen them.

No, no! It was a game! It was just a game! I thought it might amuse you.

Well... Aren't you the wicked one?

You remember what I said?

You won the first set, 6-Iove. I was 3-Iove up in the second.

Well, now it's one set all.

Puma drinks vodka from the bottle. Takes a tot glass and bats it with the bottle. Laughing and takes a bow.

But who's going to win the third set?

Remains to be seen.

You like games, don't you?

Some. Not all.

But you like being in charge... ...of the game?

Oh, yes. Sure.

I like a man who wants to be in charge of things.

Do you? – Yes, I do.

Listen, you've met my wife, I think.

I have met her. Yes. Did she say if she was married? – Yes. Yeah, she said she had a husband in fact.

Husband....? How did she describe him?

Remote. Cold. Malevolent. Spiteful. Arrogant. Ruthless. Jealous. Paranoid. Criminal tendencies. Mentally unsound.

That's me, all right. You know something? I like your mind.

Do you really?

It excites me. I like the way you go about things.

You mean you like my style?

Oh, I like your style. I like it very much. Look, I want to make you a proposition.

What?

I want to show you something. - Can't you put that gun down now?

No. God, you're so strong, so ruthless, aren't you?

Yes. Have you any idea what my proposition is going to be?

No. Are you excited?

I'd say intrigued.

I think you're going to be excited very much. This is the guest suite. Isn't it nice? Look at the view.

There's a private bathroom. A small fridge. A bottle of Chilean Chardonnay is chilling in there at this very moment.

This suite is uninhabited. It has no occupant. How would you like it?

Me? Yes, yes. I think I've come to the conclusion that you're my kind of person.

Am I, now?

Well, I told you. I liked your mind. It excited me. I need intellectual excitement. Intellectual stimulation.

Well, they don't grow on trees.

I'm rich. I’m a rich woman. What do you want to do?

I can subsidize anything you want. You want to open a bookshop in the village?

An art gallery? Or, of course, a little theatre. You're a wonderful actor.

You could choose all the plays and play all the leading parts.

But this would be your home. And this would be your bedroom.

You're asking me to live here?

Yes, I'm asking you to stay with me. Oh, we would also travel. I mean, Jamaica, Swiss Alps.

I bet you're a wonderful skier, aren't you? You could ski to your heart's content.

Swim in the blue Caribbean. I'd be waiting at our table with a Scotch on the rocks.

Or a chilled Chilean Chardonnay. The world would be your oyster.

But what about Linda?

Forget her. Let her rot. Stay with me. You're my kind of person.

It's quite tempting.

Puma’s phone rings he answers it.

Hello?

Hi. It's going okay.

We're still talking.

We're on the right track. It's all going okay.

Don't come down.

That would be a mistake. It's all going fine.

I love you too.

I am.

I'm kissing you.

Oh, yes.

I can taste your mouth.

What the hell did she want?

She wants that divorce.

What about my proposition?

Well, I like the idea of Jamaica.

What about Barbados? - Well, and Barbados, and Antigua.

Yeah, it's true. There's so many places I haven't seen.

Hollywood. Saint Petersburg.

The Côte d'Azur, Coney Island.

And I hear there's that wonderful hotel in Scotland called Balmoral.

That's where the queen lives. – So bed and breakfast is out.

It's on if you know the queen. – I don't.

I do.

That's fantastic.

But seriously, though. We could have such a wonderful time together.

Venice? Disneyland?

Whatever you want. Whatever you want. Whoever you want. I could introduce you to whoever you want.

Jacob Zuma? Obama?

Oprah? Micheal Cain?

Yes. - Yes? I must say, that as offers go... ...it's quite tempting. You're a naughty tempter, aren't you? I'm so glad you like my mind. Not many people like my mind.

Quite a few people like my body... ...but I can't think of anyone who likes my mind.

That makes you unique. But then, of course, you know what they say.

The mind is the body.

Is that what they say?

Somebody said something like it once. Bullshit, of course. Anyway...

Perhaps I am your sort of person. Who knows?

But you would have to be very nice to me.

For instance, just at this moment, I need a drink.

Music

Patrick Doyle

You can get your own drink.

No, you get it for me and I might be nice to you.

Nice to me?

That's what I said. Whisky, please.

Can't deny, I can be quite a congenial companion. I really... I can't deny it.

I could be quite a witty companion.

Would you like a witty companion?

- Very much.

I'm particularly witty in the morning. Would that suit you? Some people hate wit in the morning. What about you?

I love wit in the morning.

Over boiled eggs? Do you like eggs?

Absolutely.

I'm a dab hand in the kitchen. But you have to be nice to me and get me a drink when I ask for it.

Gita pours Puma a drink and gives it to him.

You see? You can be really sweet... ...when you put your mind to it. Cheers.

Listen, I can see what you're saying. I can see why you're inviting me to live with you.

I can see that you're Ionely. That you need looking after. It's obvious.

You need someone who would cater for your every whim.

Don't you?

I do.

Puma’s phone rings he answers it

Hello? Darling.

What?

Oh, is that so?

Are you?

I see.

Are you sure?

I see.

I got it.

I told you I got it. I understand.

Okay.

Okay, I'll tell him.

Tell me what?

That she loves you. - Is that so?

What else did she say?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing.

Listen, for chrissake, make up your mind. I'm offering you something special. Something very special.

We seal it with a handshake. And she's nowhere. We cut her out, you understand? We cut her out of our lives.

Don't let her dominate you. Be yourself. Be independent. Be free. – Like you?

That's right. Be free like me.

Gita’s phone rings in her pocket. They are both silent until it stops.

I've always been attracted... ...to rich and powerful women.

Rich and powerful women make all the girls quiver... ...like a jelly on a plate.

But you're not a girl.

Tickles the old cobblers, money.

Girls don't have cobblers.

You'd be surprised.

But you're not a girl.

I may be once. Back in the good old days.

Maybe the good old days are coming back.

Who knows? Look... I'd really like to see your bed. I mean, let me be quite clear. This looks a very nice bed indeed. But yours is bigger. - Can I take another look?

Sure.

I could really get to like this. Of course, this is the marriage bed, isn't it? Is this where she took your virginity? Is this where your wife deflowered you? Is this where you were deflowered? It's a lovely bed. So bouncy. I'm so touched that you've offered me a place in your heart. In your life. I'm touched. Take your hand off me. Take your hand off me. Fuck off. Fuck off, you big poof!

Jesus. I come here as an innocent bystander.

As a totally respectable individual. A humble part-time hairdresser. And you try to corrupt me.

You try to seduce me. Do you know what you are? You're a menace. Also, you're a cunt.

Well, now you really are charming.

Know who's gonna love this story?

What story?

This one.

This one. - Who? Linda.

Really?

By the way, she asked me to tell you something.

What?

That she's coming back to you.

She's on her way. - She's coming back to me?

That's what she told me.

I don't want her.

Well, you've got her. She's all yours. You're welcome to her. She loves your money, baby. That's the nub of it.

Puma grabs the coat from the mannequin & puts in on.

I don't want her. - What are you doing with that coat? – I'm taking it. Tell Linda I'll be in touch. I want to have a drink with her. Bring her up to date.

How do you like me in this coat? Do you fancy me?

Puma kisses Gita on the lips

Goodbye, darling.

Wait a minute.

Yes? What?

Gita shoots Puma point blank

Goodbye, darling.

Music Sound

Patrick Doyle Car pulling up in front of house Buzzer Curtains close Curtains open immediately again.

Actors Bow THE END