Encouraging the Intrinsic Worth of the Men At Our Side

Encouraging the Intrinsic Worth of the Men At Our Side

By: Jackie Hackett, M.A. Assistant Executive Director for Undergraduate Engagement Sigma Sigma Sigma Sorority, Psi Chapter

"I Believe in Brotherhood... brotherhood that reaches beyond the limits of Phi Mu Delta and welcomes every man as my brother. I believe in the intrinsic worth of the man at my side, and in his ability to make good and justify my faith in him."

Working for the National Office over the last two years, I've heard the Founders' Creed recited countless times, and this section seems to be the favorite amongst members. I've even watched some chapters embrace each other while reciting it. Anecdotally, if I were to ask the average member of Phi Mu Delta to identify his favorite part of his Phi Mu Delta experience, most would not pause to think and would respond, "Brotherhood! The bonds I've built with my brothers." But what does brotherhood mean, what does brotherhood look like in the 21st century, and how is it built between each other and within our chapters?

The word fraternity comes from the word "phrata," a Greek word meaning friendship and fellowship. A fraternity is a group of men with common values, goals, and aspirations who make a commitment to each other, for life, to better themselves through strong academic achievement, civic engagement, and leadership and personal development. This definition seems pretty straight forward (though slightly superfluous) and relatable to most fraternity men. The members that form a fraternity share their efforts, friendship, and knowledge, and together they learn, grow, and make the fraternity stronger.

In 2011, I was reluctantly entering my second semester of my freshman year and was desperate to find a friend group. I was shy, afraid to talk to people, and felt anxious trying to make sure I said the right thing in order to impress that one person who just might become my friend. My first semester was full of loneliness and self-doubt. I watched my high school friends and twin sister live the college dream through social media: the apparent balance of finding friends, going to classes, going out on the weekends, and seemingly doing college "right."

I think everyone has experienced this feeling to some degree, the FOMO (fear of missing out) of not understanding why you're not connecting with people on a level that makes you feel valued and understood and watching others around you seem to do it with ease. For me, the first time I felt like I found "my people" was in my chapter, but it wasn't until I was an upperclassman, that I understood this thing called "sisterhood" and how my sorority sisters were my friends first and then my sisters.

As a non-member working for Phi Mu Delta Fraternity, I have the unique ability to observe the chapters and members objectively. There are parts of Phi Mu Delta that I am jealous of the true national feel, the strong connections from chapter to chapter, the personal relationships with volunteers, staff, and members alike.

As I've worked mostly with the collegiate membership, I have also noticed confusion around the concept of brotherhood. Many describe it as a stronger version of friendship but is that what brotherhood truly is? Just a strong friendship? I think that is the foundation of brotherhood but not the complete structure. I believe brotherhood is bigger. Brotherhood is deeper. Brotherhood differentiates fraternity from all other clubs and organizations.

What is brotherhood and how does one build brotherhood? Brotherhood doesn't just happen magically the day you receive your bid. It would be wonderful if it was that easy, that because you have the same letters printed on your shirts, you suddenly have a deeper connection with these men in college than you do with your friends from high school or back home.

But in reality, what makes it a brotherhood isn't some magical force, but the depth of the relationships you build and the commitment you've made to the betterment of each other-- that's brotherhood. It's a level up from friendship, because we can't back out when we're angry or disappointed in each other.

Brotherhood means you've committed to living and holding others to higher standards--and, most importantly, the brothers are counting on you to uphold your obligation.

Understanding Friendships

In order to understand brotherhood, we must first understand friendship. Asking around to the chapters, many say a friend is, "someone who knows you really well and hangs out with you a lot," or someone "with common interests and values."

The dictionary definition is, "a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection based on common interests, history, common values, and equality." Knowing this, how does it relate to fraternity?

Social psychologists have studied different types of relationships and found that, at the core, friendships must have three components in order for the two parties to feel value and want to continue that friendship. Those three values include positivity, consistency, and vulnerability and make up the three sides of the "frientiamcy triangle."

The pieces are not stagnant or end destinations, but ever-changing and require hard work and reliability. You must start with positivity, build upon consistency, which then in turn, allows for vulnerability. Every successful friendship needs all three parts in order to produce something meaningful, and it requires conscious thought and effort from both parties. More simply, positivity + consistency + vulnerability = frientimacy. Frientimacy is built when both people feel seen in a safe and satisfying way (Sashta Nelson, Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendship for Lifelong Health and Happiness).

Side One of the Frientimacy Triangle: Positivity in Brotherhood

Before we can understand how to be better brothers, we have to first understand how to be better friends. The first rung in our friendship ladder is positivity. At the base level, the fraternity experience should bring us joy. The relationships we build are positive additions to our lives--there's excitement to attend functions with each other, there's encouragement to host or plan an event, and there is a respect and appreciation when things are done and done well. This is often the first reason that people start to question their membership--they no longer experience the joy of the organization or they feel unhappy, unwelcome, or isolated.

Positivity doesn't mean that chapter meetings are always exciting and full of fun, and it certainly doesn't mean having more events or only social events. It means that overall, the fraternity should first and foremost be a positive experience for its members.

The members should feel accepted, energized, welcomed, and heard throughout their experience. This means giving your brothers the benefit of the doubt when a mistake is made and communicating in a way that expresses your feelings and thoughts without belittling them, and while simultaneously working to build them up.

When there's negative moments, recognize them, apologize for wrongdoing, and find a solution to prevent it in the future. In its basic form, it's maturity. It's also your attitude and outlook during the inevitable tough times that members face during their fraternity experience.

Side Two of the Frientimacy Triangle: Consistency Through Brotherhood

Consistency seems easy in the fraternity experience because there has been a system established that allows for consistent relationships to occur and flourish: chapter meetings, brotherhood events, service projects, etc. Consistency is developing a level of predictability and trust with one another. The system makes consistency appear easy but it's not as easy as it seems. This is the most difficult to build because Phi Mu Delta members have a lot happening in their lives! Our 2016 national undergraduate membership census told us that the undergraduate population is involved in the following ways:

- 34% serve as Orientation Leaders

- 41% hold leadership roles on their campus Inter-fraternity Council

- 31% work as Resident Assistants on campus

- 32% are tutors, helping their peers academically

- 15% serve their peers on student government

- 25% are involved in theater or drama productions

- 11% are engaged in a political organization on campus; and

- 38% are studying in STEM related fields.

And don't forget, 100% of our undergraduate membership are college students. Many are working full or part-time jobs, involved in officer positions within the chapter, and have personal lives and family obligations. Phi Mu Delta men are busy! Here's the problem--consistency can only be built over time. If we don't give brothers time to build consistency and learn about each other, we'll never achieve the brotherhood we want and need.

The lack of consistency is seen and felt once you leave the hallowed halls of your institution. When we leave our 4-year consistent friend group and develop completely different routines and habits as professionals, potentially in different locations throughout the country, we see a shift in how we as professional, working adults, develop friendships.

Post-collegiate adulthood proves that making friends isn't as easy because consistency is that much harder to maintain.

Side Three of the Frientimacy Triangle: Vulnerability in Response to Brotherhood

Vulnerability is the most challenging, but arguably, the most crucial when it comes to moving from friendships to brotherhood. In order to be brothers, you must first know each other, on a deeper level than just the basics. While knowing your brothers' birthdays and academic majors are important, it is only one aspect of their grand and complicated lives.

Vulnerability doesn't mean you share your deepest, darkest secrets with everyone in the chapter--it means making a conscious effort to genuinely know each of the members and commit to being your most authentic self so your fellow brothers can be welcomed, listened to, valued, and heard throughout their membership, too.

Vulnerability isn't "word vomiting" your problems and it isn't sharing every little detail about yourself. It's finding the balance between bottling up everything, for the sake of not wanting to seem weak, and over-sharing as a result of comfortability; this is different for everyone and based on the positivity and consistency you've built with the other person, vulnerability is easier for some than for others.

Probably most important, is that in its basic form, vulnerability requires self-awareness. In order to share about yourself, you first have to know yourself in non-surface level ways and be willing to accept who you are.

Allow your brothers to be vulnerable with you even if you aren't ready to reciprocate. Give them the space to share their thoughts, ideas, concerns, and experiences with you. Being a judgment-free zone will allow you to experience vulnerability and in the end, will teach you how to be more vulnerable in return.

From Frientimacy to Brotherhood

So, how does brotherhood play into this equation? Each of us took an oath committing to the fellow brothers (or sisters) in our organization.

As a sister of Sigma Sigma Sigma, taking the oath during initiation bound me to the women standing in front of me, the sisters seated behind me, the previous sisters that I will never have the opportunity to meet, and women that will recite the same words years after me.

This oath not only bound us as sisters, for life, but it was also a commitment to ourselves to be and do better and to help each other do the same. That's how brotherhood is different than simple lifelong friendship. You promised to help each brother be the best versions of one another.

The missing piece of frientimacy in the creation of brotherhood is betterment.

Betterment makes your chapter a fraternity and not a club. The oath taken during initiation is a commitment you've made to being a better person through your membership. As a result, how are we intentionally providing this to everyone that joins Phi Mu Delta?

This is both calling out the negative behaviors but encouraging and recognizing the positive ones. No one wants to hear you drag them down--betterment is a juggling act of harsh love and brotherly love.

I think about my sorority sisters and how they challenged me to think differently. I grew up outside a large city with a big family--my best friend had the opposite experience: small town and an only child. She taught me more about family dynamics and how two people can grow up differently than anyone else I have encountered.

Accountability is hard. I first learned peer-to-peer accountability by doing it incorrectly but in that, I am better for it. I came back from a summer conference wide-eyed and ready to change the world, but my sisters were not ready for my aggressive approach to change and were very combative with me.

I learned the new and inventive ways to approach introducing change--skills and lessons I never thought about until sorority provided them to me. When holding your brothers accountable, be honest but also be kind.

As Sam Waltemeyer, Past National President, says, "Be brutally honest without being brutal." Always come from a place of care and concern--mistakes happen but the response and encouragement to learn and grow from those mistakes is really what counts.

Through your relationships, you provide the unique opportunity for lifelong betterment of your brothers. It's important to note, that you won't have the same relationship with every member in your chapter, and that's okay. If everyone in the chapter has a few strong connections with each other, think about how different your chapter could be, and how much positive change we could inspire in each other, our communities, and moreover, in the world.