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Volume 104 • Number 62 • Tuesday, April 1, 2014 • PO Box 188 • 111 E. Jenkins • Maryville, MO •
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Dictator Fall seizes power in Maryville By WEEDY FAIRWAY
Daily Forum correspondent
An eerie hush fell over the streets of Maryville in the early morning hours on Monday as a uniformed troop of Department of Public Safety officers in full riot gear and carrying automatic weapons and shotguns quietly took control of the town’s key communication centers and public buildings. The naked power grab, apparently planned for years by former mayor and newly proclaimed dictator and Exalted Supreme Ruler Jim Fall, came in the dark of night following what had
been a perfect spring day filled with the sights and smells of family dinners and children flocking outside to play in backyards and city parks. Most local residents learned of the death of freedom in Maryville, and the emergence of a totalitarian municipal state, during a webcast at 8 a.m. CMT (Central Mozingno Time) when Fall’s henchman, Presiding Secretary of the Glorious People’s Democracy of Fallville Glenn Jonagan, announced the successful coup d’état. Fall’s former City Council colleague delivered his bombastic harangue while
sitting in full uniform behind an ornate desk “requisitioned” from the Nodaway County Historical Society. Though the location of the broadcast was obscure, it was believed to have originated on the luxuriously redecorated second floor of the Mozingo Golf Course clubhouse, where the new regime has set up its headquarters of tyranny. “Citizen-comrades of Fallville!” began Jonagan. “A glorious new day has arrived, the beginning of a golden age in which all people will strive together under the benevolent, protective and paternal guidance See APRIL FOOLS Page 6
MARYVILLE LIBERATION PRESS
His excellency
U.S. President Barack Obama looked glum on Monday during a summit meeting with newly proclaimed Maryville Dictator Jim Fall. The president told Fall to drop his quest for world domination and go back to writing folksy columns and cogent, convincing editorials or face sanctions and possible military intervention.
Forum staffer reveals meteorological powers By STORMIE DAYE
Daily Forum correspondent
SUBMITTED PHOTO
Cat scratch fever
A large mountain lion has taken up residence at Mozingo Lake Recreation Park Golf Course. Conservation officials say there is nothing they can do about the beast, which is protected under federal endangered species laws. A Missouri Department of Conservation spokesman said more and more lions are showing up on golf courses, where a large population of plump, middle-aged men serves as a readily available food source.
Mountain lion has golfers roaring at Mozingo Lake By HOLEN JUAN
Daily Forum correspondent
A huge mountain lion created havoc at the Mozingo Lake Recreation Park Golf Course Sunday afternoon, mauling one hapless duffer who managed to escape only by jamming a six pack of beer into the rampaging animal’s open mouth. “It scared me to death,” said Macon A. Bogey while sitting torn and bleeding inside the clubhouse as terrorized golfers fled screaming to their cars in an attempt to escape the man-killer. “It just came out of nowhere,” said Mozingo resident pro Kyle Easter. “I’ve never seen anything like it. One minute I’m trying to take the hitch out of someone’s swing, and the next we’re all running for our lives and there’s a lion taking a chunk out of Ma-
con’s arm.” Bogey, who is expected to fully recover from his injuries, said he’ll never be able to view his wife’s house cat in quite the same way. “I’ve never liked the way that cat looks at me,” he said, “and now I know why. Cats and the Bogey Man just don’t mix. I don’t care what size they are.” The origin of the Mozingo lion, which appears to have taken up residence in a wooded area near the fairway on hole No. 2, is still unknown. But Tyree Hugger, a wildlife biologist with the Missouri Department of Conservation, said it may be the first indication that more big cats are moving onto fairways across the region. “Whether wild or domestic, cats of all sorts used to be confined pretty much to See APRIL FOOLS Page 6
OFFICE NUMBER
660-562-2424
After what seemed like the longest winter ever — a season that included the coldest March day in Maryville history — it looks like local residents may finally get a say with regard to the kind of weather they really want. Rita Piveral, office manager for the Maryville Daily Forum and The Post shopper, recently revealed that she has the ability to control the elements. Piveral has been working for some time with Jim Cantore, an on-camera meteorologist and storm tracker for The Weather Channel. Cantore is known for reporting from severe weather locations around the country and sometimes calls Piveral to get a pre-
view of where the worst storms will be. “Rita is always willing to give me a hand,” Cantore said. “If I’m off to cover a nasty storm somewhere, I can always count on her to help me spice it up a bit.” Piveral went public with her supernatural ability after realizing that her son Tyler has mysterious powers of his own. “Once I saw Tyler reheating his dinner without a microwave,” she said. “I knew there was no point in hiding it anymore. It’s something I’ve been hiding for so long, but now is the time to let the world know.” Piveral received her powers as a girl when a freak electrical storm engulfed her childhood home. While hiding in the basement, a bolt of lightning
Shocking revelation
struck the house, filling her young body with electricity. “It took me some time to realize I had new powers,” she said. “I thought that the weather changes that happened shortly after the lightning strike were a coincidence. I didn’t realize that I was having an effect on it. “One day I had to go out in the rain and realized I had forgotten my umbrella. It stopped raining immediately and started again as soon as I entered my school.” Since Piveral discovered she could control the weather, she has been staying behind the scenes trying to do her best to make things as nice as possible — within limits. “As much as I would See APRIL FOOLS Page 6
PHOTO ILLSTRUATIONS BY GARY DARLING
Rita Piveral, office manager for the Maryville Daily Forum and The Post shopper, has recently revealed that she is in control of all of the weather in Maryville and the surrounding areas. She is shown here conjuring lightning during a recent thunderstorm.
INSIDE
Record....................... 2 Opinion..................... 4 Sports.................... 7, 8
Agriculture............... 9 Comics.................... 10 Classifieds............... 11
OUTSIDE
Today High: 4° Low: -1°