Parenting & Guardianship

with Roberta Smart

As a parent, you will no doubt have your own approach to raising your kids. Whether it is meticulously planned, or you fly by the seat of your pants, you will do your best and that is great.

This can become problematic, however, if we blend families and bring new partners into the mix. After a divorce or separation, it is highly likely that you will meet a new partner with their own children and go on to create a blended family, so understanding each other and the ways you choose to parent are vital.

From Permissive to Authoritarian, we can all recognise a sense of difference in how we raise our children, what we prioritise and what we are willing to overlook.

Of course, clear communication is key and discussing a traffic light system of expectations is really useful. Take a big piece of paper and red, orange and green pens, then share ideas on what is totally acceptable to both of you (green), what is negotiable (orange) and what is a complete ‘nono’ (red).

Being aware that one of you likes to co-sleep with your kids and the other prefers absolute privacy is a great way to learn how to navigate bedtime, for example.

If one of you tends to be a ‘my way or the highway’ personality whilst the other is permissive and easy come, easy go, you could anticipate a lot of pushback from the children and confusion as to what the rules of the new household are.

Remember, there is no right or wrong, good or bad here – simply an awareness of where tension and struggle may occur and an invitation to explore things ahead of time.

I see this often when one parent returns to their childhood home after separation – ostensibly for help and support from grandparents until they can re-establish themselves independently. If these grandparents raised their child in an authoritarian way, they may struggle massively if that said child has grown up to be a permissive parent, allowing their kids to stay up late, choose their meals, say no, answer back, etc.

Differences in the way generations choose to parent can put a lot of pressure on an otherwise loving family environment, so please remember, amidst the flux and change of your family, to talk about what matters to you and to always seek to find compromise.

This is never a game of winners and losers but only of constant ebbing and flowing, growing and changing, and who knows, you may end up giving your authoritative father a second chance to be the cuddly grandpa he always yearned to be!