The Canine Chronicle MBMS MAY 2017 (SATIRE)

[t h e canine ] mount baker middle school, auburn, washington

may 2017

volume VII, issue 5

inside this issue: Absurd School Rule Following

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Fundraiser Struggles

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Before They Were Teachers

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Fidget Tools Banned

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Google Translated

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My (not so) Strange Addiction

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D.C. Traveler Dragged Off Plane

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Student Outraged by Drink

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Knighton Lives Bug Life

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How To Make Dank Memes

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Culture Poll

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Seahorses Offseason Additions

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DEAR BULLDOGS, Welcome to another edition of The Canine Chronicle. All the tests that our staff members have been put through this year has fried our brains. So The Canine Chronicle decided to produce an entire edition that is 100% satirical.

According to the Oxford Dictionary satire means “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.” We can see examples if this in TV shows like Saturday Night Live

or Late Night With Jimmy Fallon.

Satire has been used since the Greeks to make criticize with humor the world we live in.

Articles about staff members are FAKE. All quotes and story lines were fake and the teachers were in on the joke. Names of celebrities have been changed, so don’t go calling the grammar police. WE KNOW. Any images or articles about famous people were used ethically and under parody creative license laws for use of publication.

The sole purpose of this edition is to make people laugh and take a relaxing break from the countless testing. Please understand that this is the only edition that is not factually. Most of our satirical articles are based on facts with a fun spin.

We hope you have a wonderful rest of the year and finish strong MBMS!!!

FRONT COVER PHOTO: Fidget spinners have become the new craze at MBMS. Although they were banned, they still may be lurking at students’ fingertips. PHOTO BY J. BROWN

Sincerely,

BACK COVER PHOTO: Students and staff answer express their opinions on SBA testing. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY R. FARIAS

STAFF

Our Editors are having fun with some props. Really they just don’t want to go to class. PHOTO BY D. RAMIREZ

mission: The MBMS Journalism 8 class produced this limited-voice EDITORS

REPORTERS

REPORTERS

Maddy Taylor Ellie Walter Nya Baad Jezel Brown Roxanne Farias Nick Miller

Dawson Abbe Madelyn Brown Jonathan Cantellay Claire Casperson Ethan Erickson Isabella Gallardo

Cady Johnson Jack Morrell Chris Nguyen Dong Nguyen Celeste Pearisaeff Mikaela Rabago

newspaper with intent to ethically report events accurately, without bias. As a public forum for students, all decisions made on content are made under the REPORTERS guidance of the adviser, with intent to uphold students’ First Amendment rights.

The opinions presented in articles are provided to represent the views and Dunka Ramirez perspectives of students and individuals in our diverse student population, not Kayla Rydberg Axell Sanchez-Rodriguez necessarily the whole of the adviser, faculty, and administrators. Any material that would cause a disruption to the educational process like libel, invasion of Lottie Scheschy privacy, or copyright infringement will not be published.

Annie Sihalathavong The Canine Chronicle is produced using Microsoft Publisher. Photographs not taken by students have been utilized through a Creative Commons and Microsoft ADVISER license. School portraits are licensed through Dorian Photography.

Peter Warring

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CLAIRE CASPERSON Theodore Hughes, a former MBMS student, showed up to the middle school this past week, delivering a speech so impactful, most students barely even noticed his twitching, wandering left eye.

With good intentions, he told of his experience at the Honor Roll Ceremony, and pounded the importance of following the rules for the ceremony.

“These rules are real! I can’t believe I messed up,” Hughes stated. “They called my name, so I went up to receive my award, but I shook with my left hand instead of my right because I was already clapping with my right. UGHH!!! I can’t believe I messed up!”

Some may think that the guidelines and rules the teachers put down are pointless. That there is “no way” that they are going to dress nicely, or sit in

their seats five minutes before it starts.

However, Hughes is proof that the rules at the bottom of the invitation are not just for show.

Written with passion, and preciseness, those rules can determine your readiness and ability to receive your award.

“I was there. In person. So I can NOT deny that I heard Mr. Hughes say that the principal didn’t give him his award because he shook with his left hand,” seventh grader Doreen Martin said.

Students were left in awe at this statement. It was a shock to all that hard work, determination, and effort did not pay off in the long run.

Paying attention to detail and following rules all the way through can determine one’s fate. In this case, Hughes did not receive his award.

“I mean, this is unheard of! I better read everything from now on, or I might not even graduate!!” hysterical sixth grader Suzie Windmill said.

This catastrophe didn’t just end there. Not only did a student not get his award, but filled with anger and fury, Hughes stole another person’s certificate.

“That was my first mistake,” Hughes said. “The mistake that changed my life. The mistake that turned the Honor Roll Ceremony into a catastrophe. And the mistake that lead me to prison for 20 years.”

It was possible that this could have happened again if the rules for the ceremony were not followed. Luckily, students learned from this story and got their act together.

“The ceremony went wonderfully!” teacher Mr. DaBlume explained. “I mean, there was no excitement or catastrophe compared to twenty years ago,, but it was enjoyable.”

Eighth grader Hannah Fufa awkwardly displays the left-hand shake with Ms. Leverenz. Luckily, no catastrophe broke loose at this year’s Honor Roll Ceremony. PHOTO BY C. CASPERSON

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Mrs. Carnahan escorts Billy Pferdkopf out of the school building during sixth period on May 2, after having to deal with the student following rules to the extent of being a nuisance. She claims that he was seen bugging other students about trivial parts of the planner. PHOTO BY J. BROWN

JEZEL BROWN & NYA BAAD Eighth grader Billy Pferdkopf has been suspended from school for following the rules too well. Eighth grade social studies teacher Mrs. Carnahan, Pferdkopf’s sixth period teacher, finally took action against the rule-follower on May 2.

Carnahan always has to deal with Pferdkopf’s fascination of the school’s guidelines. He tends to want to go to the nurse’s office with a note from his physician just to take cough drops.

“I am constantly having to sign his planner to go to the office,” Carnahan said. “I told him he can just take them, but he quotes the planner saying that a letter is required.”

Pferdkopf pleads innocent, saying he just wants to make the school a better place. He is consistently going around the school and scolding kids and teach-

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ers for not following the school protocol.

“I just wanted to be a good student,” Pferdkopf said.

“Rules exist for a reason, right?”

Sixth grader Brooke Hall defended Pferdkopf’s daily processes. She believed that they aren’t done with malice, but instead, to benefit.

“I don’t see the problem with it, actually,” Hall said.

“It’s great seeing someone so empowered to help the school’s community.”

Principal Brown was astounded by how excessively Pferdkopf adhered to the rules. Brown constantly received reports from teachers describing how precise he was at following school procedures.

“I’ve never had a student follow the rules too well,” Brown said. “It just never happens.”

Seventh grader Dale Martin shares second period P.E. with Pferdkopf, and he always seems a bit crazed to him. According to Martin, one time

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Pferdkopf confronted him on how low his V-neck plunged while stretching in class.

“Yeah, that nerd always obsesses over the planner’s rules,” Martin said. “Last year he wrote a letter saying he’ll be gone for summer vacation!”

Martin won’t be the only one excited about Pferdkopf’s departure, seen as Carnahan will have a stress-free sixth period.

“I feel slightly bad about the consequence for his actions,” Carnahan said. “Yet, it is still very relieving having a class without a rule-obsessed kid.”

Despite the fact that Pferdkopf has been suspended from school, no one knows how his actions will unfold next year. But for now, MBMS can rest easy, knowing they won’t have to deal with Pferdkopf’s antics.

“I didn’t read ‘don’t follow the rules too well,’ in the planner,” Pferdkopf said.

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JEZEL BROWN & NYA BAAD

1) Singing telegrams are not allowed to be given to students at school.

2) Scissors must be kept in one’s binder, unless a staff member specifically says otherwise.

3) A written note from a parent is required to leave a school dance early.

4) No binders are allowed at intramurals, except with a staff member’s permission.

5) Most teachers ban students from using Comic Sans on typed assignments.

6) Fluorescent articles of clothing go against dress code, due to them being distracting.

a b c 7) Students are not allowed to use their own locks on their lockers.

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8) Students will be dress-coded if they wear a dog collar.

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9) Open containers are forbidden on school buses.

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MADDYTAYLOR & DUNKA RAMIREZ

Recently we had a Yankee Candle fundraiser that struggled (sadly) to make up for the fact that we had failed during the previous fundraiser.

“Yeah, the fundraisers are really dumb and I just throw them away when I get the packet,” an anonymous source said. “They sell really boring stuff and nobody really cares about it,” Tragic. Disappointment. Those are words used to describe this year’s fundraiser turnout.

“It was bound to fail from the beginning, students just simply no longer care about raising money,”

Every year MBMS has a fundraiser (or two) and they usually end up “failing.” The sixth graders always end up fundraising all the money while the eighth graders stand by for moral support.

This means more fundraisers throughout the year because we tragically failed to raise enough money to fit our school’s needs.

Principal Brown always has to go on the announcements and tell us to bring in money to wear a hat or pajamas just to scrounge up enough money for fun activities.

ASB fundraising chair Mr. Dolar said.

“Maybe one year we will have a successful fundraiser without the use of one dollar hat days or pajama days.”

But that year is far into our schools future.

“I predict that in fifteen years, this school will be rolling in dough from these fundraisers,” money-making expert Philippe Donahue said.

Frozen cookie dough and candles may not be the way to go for fundraisers these days. Peoples’ interests have changed throughout the years so maybe it’s time MBMS switches things up.

“I think selling fidget spinners and slime would really get people interested,” eighth-grader John Chalmers said. “I know that I would donate if they were selling those babies.”

The day MBMS has a good fundraiser will be a glorious day. It will probably make history books because of how little the students care right now.

Hopefully MBMS won’t be selling candles anymore.

BAND

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Ellie Walter & Roxanne Farias

Mr. Lewis

Mr. Lubash

assistant principal

sixth grade math

After a long day in an office talking to students and roaming around the smelly hallways, you could find Mr. Lewis after schools his natural habitat, the school Commons kitchen.

“I have started baking at a very young age,” Lewis said.

For Lewis baking is his number one priority.

“Baking to me is a good way to learn. You mess up you, try again. It is just like school but with ingredients,” he said.

Lewis, however, prefers to bake in only one kitchen, and that is the Commons kitchen. Every Friday, Lewis stays here late for his true passion, baking.

“I do not know why but making my pastries in the Commons just lets my baking spirit flow freely,” he said. “And may I say that my pastries turn out delicious?”

Before Lewis’ administrative career started, he entered 25 baking competitions but only has won on by default.

“I should have won at least three of them,” Lewis said. “I blame bad judges.”

People may know Lewis as a big administrator of this school, but we know him as Baker Lewis.

One of the MBMS teachers has a past filled with adventure and thrill seeking, with many movies being based on his life. Before teaching the kids of MBMS, Mr. Lubash was saving the world one mission at a time.

“I can’t say exactly what I did because that is classified,” Lubash said, “But I can say that it was a lot of fun.”

Movies like Mission Impossible and Top Gun are rumored to be based on real missions Lubash experienced.

“I was Tom Cruise before there was a Tom Cruise,” Lubash said.

Although Lubash loved his job there were a few reasons why he left. He felt like it was time to move on to a new job.

“Don’t get me wrong. It was a ton of fun, but I needed a change.” Lubash said.

Once Lubash’s secrets were revealed, he was called several times from movie producers about making a movie about his life. He respectful turned them all down.

Many students have asked for his autograph and a picture with him.

“I am flattered that people think I'm ‘cool’ and ‘hip’ now,” Lubash said.

After leaving his past job, Lubash picked up teaching math easily, and enjoys teaching and coaching the students of MBMS.

PHOTO ILLUSTRATIONS BY R. FARIAS & E. WALTER

Mrs. Durham

Ms. Lacy

seventh grade ela

eighth grade science

Calling all hockey fans, we have a hall of famer roaming around the halls of MBMS. Mrs. Durham played for the Chicago Blackhawks as their goalie from 1984-1992.

“It was a very exciting job.” Durham said.

Durham is well-known in Chicago for a couple of reasons.

“I scored the most goals in 1985, and I spent the most time in the penalty box due to aggressive fighting on the ice. “ Due to the aggression, Durham lost her two front teeth while in action.

“It was a game against the worst players in hockey history. They were more aggressive than me, and back then I was an aggressive person.

Most people don't believe me,” Durham said.

She retired from hockey forever in 1999, but still watches while at home grading papers. Many struggle to believe that Durham was ever an aggressive person at the ice rink, but her multiple hockey plaques show it all.

“I had to get surgery to have my two front teeth replaced,” she said After that game Durham decided to move on from playing hockey and decided to become a teacher in MBMS.

“He’s quite a hard worker, as long as I am there to yell at him,” former online fitness trainer Ms. Lacy said talking about training Byan Gosling.

Before teaching the kids of MBMS, Lacy trained the celebrity in Hollywood.

“I’ve trained Byan Gosling, Chuck Morris Tustin Jimberlake,” Lacy said.

Lacy’s job entailed creating a work out for each celebrity and then scheduling a time when she could either FaceTime or Skype them. The fact that she had so many clients made the scheduling a lot harder.

“It was the worst trying to manage everyone's schedule, because I had to make sure my phone or laptop were charged,” she said.

Though she left Hollywood behind, her former job does still stick with her.

“I do occasionally get invited to like a gala or a movie premiere,” Lacy said with pride. “I was and still am pretty well-known in Hollywood.”

Lacy has gotten some request from celebrities to come back and train them, but she has declined.

“It’s nice to know people still want me to train them,” Lacy said. “But that life is behind me now, and I am happy where I am.” Lacy said.

Lacy said she was thankful that not everyone here knows about her past.

She enjoys her time behind her desk “training the minds of students” rather the abs of celebrities.

ANNIE SIHALATHAVONG A serious tragedy of spinners has arrived to MBMS. Principal Brown has banned spinners because the cause of how distracting and dangerous they are.

Some students started a clan about the spinners because they worshipped the awesomeness of the spinners. Also they believed that the spinners had magical powers for the ability to fly.

There has been an accident, where former student Sunshine Billy-Bob’s finger was severed while playing with the spinners.

This incident happened when Billy-Bob and his friends were showing off how cool they were and suddenly his finger went flying off and everyone was shocked. Although everyone has heard about the accident, the students still want the spinners back because how “fun” they are.

As the students argued about how dumb the ban was, Principal Brown tried to reason with them. Some students thought the fidget toys were annoying and some thought they were the coolest thing ever.

“I can see why fidget toys are considered cool, but I needed to ban them for being distracting in class,” Principal Brown said.

Airan Chumo-Artadi disagreed on why spinners should be banned because the thought that the ban was unnecessary.

“There shouldn't have been a ban on spinners, because I thought they were fun and not

very distracting to use in class,” sixth grader Chumo-Artadi said. “Some people need the fidget toys to keep them from being bored.”

With the mixed opinions, Seventh grader Emily Scofield agreed with the principal on why spinners should have been banned because of how it distracts the students from learning in class.

“I think that spinners should have been banned, because the people who had them were playing with them during class and some teachers got annoyed of how distracting they were,” Scofield said.

As the popularity of the spinners and fidget toys increase, the spinners will never come back to MBMS because of how they were dangerous and oddly addicting.

Billy-Bob is still in recovery and surprisingly still plays with spinners at home because he claimed the spinners were “supernatural.”

“Hopefully Mr. Brown unbans the spinners, so I can prove that they have magical powers,” Billy-Bob said.

Students display their spinners and other fidget toys. The two different spinners are made out of wood, metal and plastic. ALL PHOTOS COURTESY OF STATICFL ICKER.COM VIA CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE

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DONG NGUYEN ALL PHOTOS COURTESY OF OPENCLIPART.ORG VIA CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE

SCISSORS As many of you are familiar with, scissors are the tool of everyday use, at home, schools, and many other places. Besides the use of cutting, you can rather turn it into an everyday fidget tool, place your finger in one of the rings and spin! This method prevents anxiety, and remember SAFETY is number one priority.

SQUEAKY CHAIRS The thing we sit on everyday can also be used as a fidget tool. With the help of leg fidgeting, a squeaky chair can provide further stress relief. Synchronizing the movement of the leg and sound will definitely make you feel satisfied.

PLASTIC BOTTLES Instead of throwing them away, use them as a fidget tool. Plastic water bottles are cheap and easy to carry.

Crumbling the bottle will help with stress and boredom, the less water the better.

“I did this at school every day to help me to concentrate.” seventh grader Jeff Jefferson said.

“My fellow classmates and teachers loved it,”

CLOTHESPINS These wooden tools were originally made to hang up clothes to dry. Instead of hanging stuff up, use of them as fidget tools! Just keep pinching the side where it opens up, making use of your occupation easily and effectively.

POTS AND PANS The tool we use for cooking is also very well-known for being the best fidget tool worldwide. Clanging them together or thumping on them will produce a very high pitch sound that will fulfil your ears. Doing this for a long period of time will make you stress free and improve your focus.

STICKY HANDS These gooey rubber hands aren’t only cheap, but also sticky. The sticky hands, as we know it, are very fun for fidgeting. You can sling it across the table, sling it at people, and sling it everywhere!

“This product helped me with my ADHD, and I recommend this to anyone else who has it.” eighth grader John Chalmers said.

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Translations to Ruin Your Childhood Is it a complete waste of time? Yes. Is it benefiting anyone or making the world a better place?

Of course not. But is it slightly funny? Definitely!

Below are some of the funniest movie quotes, song lyrics, names, and other things we wasted our time translating.

The last year has been a very interesting one, bringing up important stuff such as fidget spinners, unicorn drinks, and people being dragged off of airplanes.

But another underappreciated “trend” was misusing Google Translate.

There is no limits to how many different combinations of languages you can use to translate any of your favorite songs, movies, and other media!

Google Translate has been abused ever since it was first created.

Internet users made Google Beatbox, make funny sounds,

and of course, ruin songs and movies.

On the Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon, they translated popular songs and sang them as a challenge. From there, more people across the internet started partaking in this challenge, generating many views all across social media.

Drake “Hotline Bling”

Over 200 million people searched Google Translate daily as of May 2013 The tool supports over 100 languages at various levels. Users can even have a little fun with the application, like late night host Jimmy Fallon.

Popular songs were translated using this tool, like “Gangnam Style,” “Love Me Like You Do,” and “Hotline Bling.“ They translated to different languages and then back to English, with less-than-accurate results.

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Welsh to Polish to Thai, Cebuano to Somali to Turkish... And back Call me your cell phone.

I know when gambling line arrives You are to start answering very willingly.

Outside the glass dance floor.

Women have never seen wind before I will call your cell phone.

Because you're leaving town We can not accept.

Do you have what you need?

Go to the page of your passport. now everything Do you have a blue one?

I think if you like the forest the house is always a good kid.

Sahadi Press Because, in solumum

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“Meine liebste Sache zu übersetzen ist Filme. Einer der lustigsten Filmbraten war aus dem Film Billy Madison, der sagt , ‘What you said was one of the most insidious idiotic things I've ever heard. Your astonishing, incoherent answer was not nearly anything at all that could be regarded as rational thinking. Everyone in this room is astounded to hear it. I will not give you any points, and let God be merciful to your soul.’”

eighth grade

Ellie Goulding “Love Me Like You Do”

PSY “Gangnam Style”

Polish to Basque to Tajik to Swahili… And back

English to Basque, Finnish to Tajik… And back Gangnam Style Guy eats a cup of coffee before eating Gangnam style O-oh-oh-oh Style Group Well, soft Des OH-OH-OH-OH-style pan-Jean Well, he gently Adam totally crazy time comes Man, stronger than a mouse, Gangnam Style I saw a guy in a big guy child, the child that I know nothing I saw a guy in a big guy (Do you know what I say?)

OH-OH-OH-OH-style pan-Jean

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Do not take our satellite As one art pump -to-, trust us Food, Frads Tom's paradise As one art pump -to-, trust us I (was) la- allies like you, but I love the way As one art pump -to-, trust us Over the place I can not think of immediately because I (was) la- allies like you, but I love the way As one art pump -to-, trust us What about you (ah) We believe in you, we (like: sage) What about (ahh)

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ISABELLA GALLARDO & LOTTIE SCHESCHY

My Strange Addiction on the TLC network has enlightened Americans to the unique obsessions of everyday people. Two brave MBMS students shared their “addictions” to help raise awareness for those afflicted with these issues.

HRDA LOVES SCENTS Local MBMS student Bryn Hrda recently has been publically suffering from his addiction to Axe products. Throughout the hallways he displays his addictive behaviors through his excessive use of the company's B.O.-fighting products.

His extreme attraction to the “manly” scent has caused a non-stop spraying distribution in school.

It has been confirmed that Hrda goes through roughly 15 cans of Axe a day, which rounds up his total expense to $628.95 a week. Where he gets the money to obtain this large quantity of body spray is unknown.

“Living life without Axe is like living life without breathing,” Hrda said.

His addiction has not only created a problem for his parents, but school officials and students have all actively been apart of handling the situation at hand. If not controlled, students are at risk for numerous amount of health problems.

“Students have reported heavy breathing, itchy rashes, and vision loss when being in Bryn's presence,” MBMS school’s nurse Dr. Phil said.

Bryn’s addiction has been under supervision for quite some time, and will be further investigated. For now, his addiction is thriving, causing pain for him and his peers.

“I hope he finds help. When he does, my flaring nostrils can finally be at peace again,” seventh grade Adylin Edwards said.

ENEHCS SOCIALIZES VIA MEDIA Eilyk [Jenner] Enehcs is just one of the seventh grade MBMS students that seem normal, but under her innocent act she is an active social media LOVER! Every time she looks away to her phone or leaves to go the bathroom she is always posting things to her numerous accounts.

This is one of the reasons why she avoided giving anyone her number and says she doesn't have any social media accounts.

[Jenner] often goes on her phone for approximately 23 hours a day, meaning she goes on her phone for 23 HOURS daily just to go onto social media.

“I can’t live without social media. It’s my LIFE!” Enehcs said. “I can’t imagine going without social media for TWO HOURS. It’s already a struggle waiting for class to be over!”

Enehcs often has her phone duct taped to her hand so she won’t let go when she is at home and can be on it ALL day. Her mom even has troubles talking to her on a daily basis.

“OhHHHHH-MAAAA-GAAAAAAH!!! Why can’t my ma just leave me ALONE?” Enehcs exclaimed.” I need time on my devices and don’t even think of trying to fix my so called PROBLEM! Ok?”

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Bryn Hrda’s body spray collection (ABOVE) is freshly stocked. The cans live in his locker, pockets, and hand until can runs out. Teachers caught Enehcs (BELOW) sitting in bathroom stall during class while on her phone.

Enehcs was soon given a rough lecture about how she could drop her phone into the toilet. PHOTOS BY L. SCHESCHY I. GALLARDO

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ALL PHOTOS COURTESY OF AWKWARDCELEBS.ORG

ISABELLA GALLARDO & LOTTIE SCHESCHY

“Squeaky chairs give me… [dramatic lighting shift…

“Repeatedly tapping on my desk make me feel alive again. YUH!”

“Staring at the clock fills my empty soul with joy… and song.”

“AAAWWWRRRGGGH WHUGH AAAARRRGGGHHHH AUH AARRGH WUH!”

RYAN SEACREST

LIL’ WAYNE

TAYLOR SWIFT

MR. CHEWBACCA

pause...pause… COMMERICAL BREAK]… pleasure.”

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CADY JOHNSON

Nya appeared to be a rabid animal jacked up on multiple bottles of 5 –Hour Energy,” eighth grader Tatum Murry said. “She was violently shaking the flight attendant’s head screaming, ‘I will not get off this plane so pick on someone your own size you good for nothing aisle-walker!!’”

Sadly, a poor elderly man was chosen to leave in place of Goood.

It really didn’t end so well for

Due to an overbooked plane, the United Airlines flight to Washington, D.C. was one seat short and eighth grader Nya Goood was asked to exit the plane.

Goood’s obnoxious behaviors caught the eye of the flight attendants and made her the perfect target to be removed.

“Nya is a great friend, but quite honestly she was practically asking to be removed. She was kicking the back of a sleeping man’s seat and constantly sliding the plane window open and shut,” fellow eighth grade traveler Savannah Vasquez said, “Not to mention she put in her headphones and squealed out a very off key version of Bon Jovi’s ‘Living on a Prayer.’”

As the flight attendant approached and explained the situation, Goood’s rage began and eighth grade social studies teacher Mrs. Carnahan had to step in.

“At first I was trying to explain Nya was really a sweet girl who was looking forward to experiencing D.C.,” Carnahan said. “But it was hard to argue for someone who was throwing suitcases down on the flight attendants.”

The situation only escalated from there and finally came to a poor elderly man having to leave in Goood’s place.

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A once gentle and friendly

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Goood though. She was reported and not allowed to board the flight back to Seattle when the D.C. trip was over.

“I kept picturing Nya just standing alone and lost in the D.C. airport, and for a moment, I really felt awful,” traveler Connor MacDougall said, “But then again, I couldn’t help but enjoy the restored peace with the absence of that psychotic child.”

Not to worry, Goood made it home two days later on an Alaska Airlines flight.

But to ensure the incident doesn’t recur next year, Mrs. Durham is happy to announce the D.C. trip will be replaced by an “exploring cultures trip” to North Korea due to the abundant seat availability.

Eighth grader Nya Goood erupted in a crazy rage on her flight to Washington D.C., starting with some fist throwing.

The flight attendant attempts to contain Goood while staying calm but has no luck. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY C. JOHNSON

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KAYLA RYDBERG

TIP 1 Sound the blow horn countless times until your fingers physically can’t press the button any more,

TIP 2 Sing as loud as you can until you’re out of breath and can no longer hit those notes.

TIP 3 Crunch on a sucker obnoxiously until you’ve made a huge mess and annoyed the person next to you.

TIP 6 Get your jacket and whip it around, making sure you are an annoyance to everyone around you.

TIP 5 Attempt a fist fight with the passenger next to you. When they refuse, proceed to put your fists in their face.

TIP 4 Turn and look at the person next to you and stare until they get scared and tell the flight attendant.

TIP 7 Clip your fingernails so aggressively the shrapnel hits the people in first class.

TIP 8 Wear your invisibility cloak, while making strange noises.

Passengers will feel awkward.

TIP 9 Snap pictures of celebrities in first class while you make your way to the bathroom.

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Is Unicorn Frappuccino Over the Top? JON CANTELLAY

Jamar, when we interviewed him.

“Not many people have my disorder, but to the few of us it's a mockery, I'm happy with the way I am, and I know John is too, but what of the other people who have Einhornkopfstörung and think it as a curse.”

It's true that the Chalmers family is not the only horse headed family, over the past 500 years doctors have been able to document.

“Around 4,117 different families with this mutation, which seems to be becoming more common, about 406

Rejoice, anyone who has a Starbacks beverage EVERY day, for your favorite place has introduced a new addition to its wonderfully horrid arsenal of drinks, the unicorn drink.

Now all you people who seem to drown yourself in makeup and glitter on the outside can now drown yourself on the inside with this bath bomb of a drink.

But it appears that not everyone is dazzled with this new concoction that Starbacks has brewed up this time.

Poet. Athlete. Genius. Inventor.

Leader. So many labels have been used to describe each member of the Chalmers family at MBMS. The family has created a legacy at and sixth grader Jamar Chalmers has continued in this legend .

Sixth grader Jamar Chalmers, Cousin to John Chalmers, has the rare mutation that is common in his family where all Chalmers are born with human bodies, but horse heads.

And in this mutation both John and Jamar have a more mutated version where both have sprouted a horn from their head, effectively becoming “unicorns.”

It was no surprise when we heard that John Chalmers was a bit angry at this new drink, but it hasn't been the 13 year old president that has made the most noise. No, it's been Jamar Chalmers, a 12-year-old genius who has the rare mutation ZKYGS (more commonly known as Einhornkopfstörung), who has been seen protesting the drink.

“It's absolutely revolting,” said

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of which currently have living relatives with the mutation,“ school nurse Mrs. Equine said.

When asked what he would be doing about this Jamar answered candidly with his genius intellect.

“What I’ve been doing for the past month?” Chalmers said. “Protesting [the drink] and exposing what they really put in it! It's a truly horrid mixture if you ask me. The drink is something like a glitter monster taking every color of crayon, There is and a cup of glitter and munching

those two things up, then spit that into a glitter glue bottle and giving it a good shake, and to top it off, freshly ground stuffed animal.”

Chalmers is still trying to stop the making of this glitter drink epidemic.

“At one of his protests, cops were called in and I was arrested,” Chalmers said. “Later I was released when I kindly asked the officers if I could leave.”

Chalmers has continued to work against the drink by staging a walk out scheduled for May 26.

Jamar Chalmers is escorted into a police cruiser after his polite protests. He was pardoned later that day after giving the judge a Starbacks gift card. PHOTO ILLUSTARTION BY J.CANTELLAY

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ETHAN ERICKSON

TYLER HOLDEN

Ever since the Unicorn Frappuccino hit Starbucks people have been freaking out over its 60g of sugar. After the huge success of myth logically-themed drinks, Starbacks became more creative and came out with a Goblin Frappuccino, sticking with the mythical names.

“I hope Starbacks doesn’t name every drink they make have some sort of mythical creature,” eighth grader Robin Walker said.

Now what’s in the drink you may ask?

Thanks to Starbacks for posting the ingredients there is. A weird combo, but actually it makes a good Frappuccino.

“After the first couple sips it’s not that bad,” sixth grader Alfredo Adams said.

You’re probably wondering “how on earth does a drink like this taste good?”

When getting the drink you may be fooled by its “whipped cream,” but actually it’s mayo. Yep! That’s right Miracle Whip Mayonaise.

Also the ranch dressing adds a nice creamy taste, mixed in with rich Nutella.

“The mustard, sweet relish, and dill pickle garnish give it a nice

Poet. Athlete. Genius. Inventor. Leader. Political activist. So many labels have been used to describe each member of the Chalmers family at MBMS. The family has created a legacy at MBMS, and sixth grader Jamar Chalmers has continued in his short time at MBMS. Just this year he has accomplished so much.

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Chalmers' calendar goes straight from March 31 to April 2. No one fools Jamar Chalmers.

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Chalmers can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

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Jamar Chalmers can hear sign language.

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Big foot claims he saw Jamar Chalmers.

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Chalmers has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

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In Chalmers’ English class, Mrs. Lantz assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

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Chalmers made fire once by rubbing two ice cubes together.

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Chalmers’ Chromebook has no "backspace" button. Jamar Chalmers doesn't make mistakes.

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Jamar Chalmers was once on Teen Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

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   WARNING” The “delicious” Goblin Frappuccino may cause nausea. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY E. ERICKSON

Jamar Chalmers once fought Superman. The loser had to wear his underwear over his pants.

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sweet but salty taste,” Walker said.

The Texas Pete hot sauce adds a small kick of spice.

To top it all off with chunks of chocolate and broccoli.

But there's another problem. Before you even grab the drink, you have to look at the thing.

With dark brown and crocodile green colors, the whole drink features bits and pieces of broccoli.

“It smells like the men’s locker room after a mile run on a summer day,” Adams said.

Does this put Starbacks in a bad place?

“I mean where did they get the bright idea to think that their customers would like a drink with ranch, mustard, and relish,” Adams said.“ Also choosing names from a children’s fairy tale book. It seems like they went to a local preschool and got opinions from there.”

Many Starbacks customers are excited but still puzzled.

“Will this be the last random, funky mythical barf in a cup?” Adams said. “Or will Starbacks continue to come up with more mythical names for drinks?”

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Broccoli Mustard Hot Sauce Nutella Sweet Relish Pickles Mayo 19

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PHOTO ILLUSTRATATION BY J. MORRELL

JACK MORRELL As eighth grade algebra teacher David Knighton was sitting back his desk entering grades, he noticed how his class began to get a little wound up.

Mr. Knighton took controll.

“Let’s get back to quadratic functions folks,” he said, as he’ll normally say to get his class to settle down.

Several algebra students walked toward the front desk of the classroom.

Few of the students noticed a vicious bump with legs, atop Mr. Knighton’s supply drawer.

Some of the students immediately noted Mr. Knighton. He audibly signed

and walked up to the front desk in the classroom.

Mr. Knighton didn’t see the bug, yet he still didn’t care much of it.

“If it’s that small that I cannot see it, it is not an issue -- now if there was a little scorpion crawling around the ground that’s when things become an issue,” Knighton said.

As he was walking back to his desk, many students noticed the bug starting to crawl down the side of the bin.

Mr. Knighton walked over to the supply bin, and picked up the bug. It was not a shock that he was tired of his class being disrupted by something to that size.

He pulled out an empty drawer and dropped the bug inside. He opened the classroom door and set the bug back where it belonged.

Students were finding it disgusting that he had the bare will to touch the bug, let alone pick it up.

Mr. Knighton put his awkward grin on his

face, and stuck his palm up to his face, and licked right down the center of it.

“Yum!” he said.

This has led students to think Mr. Knighton has been living a double life.

He could be working as a secret detective hunting for the best tasting bug, or maybe the best possible way to get students off task…

Regardless, you never know what Mr. Knighton will do, or can do.

Multiple scientists have calculated that at this rate, Mr. Knighton will become an insect in the next two weeks.

Could the veteran math teacher become the sequel to Ant-man? Now if you ever notice a bug in his classroom, don’t ever tell him.

PHOTO COURTESY OF CREATIVECOMMONS LICENSE VIA OPENCLIPART.ORG

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JACK MORRELL New studies show middle school relationships are lasting longer than average, moving from 13 days and 4 hours to an insane 14 days and 3 hours!

This means that middle school students are managing to keep there relationships lasting for one day and four hours longer than usual!

This sudden outbreak has caused middle school staff members to start scheduling meetings on how this could just suddenly happen.

After a several meetings between school staffs across the nation, teachers came to the conclusion that kids are just too lazy to tell them in person, so they just have to find the right time to text dump them.

It still seems insane that students have the bare will to manage to stay with a person for that long!

According to news star, Aarl Czuz, he believes middle school students don’t want to be left alone, which he finds very punny.

He also explained how nowadays students relationships are all text based, so when the two actually meet in person, they finally realize how it doesn’t work.

A crazy fact is how the average middle school relationship lasts longer than longer than the average housefly!

The housefly left alone can live up to 28 days, but with all its predators and the constant threat of humans swatting them, their lifespan decreases to an average of 11.5 days.

That must make everyone in a relationship feel very proud, living longer than a pesky little bug.

Aarl Czuz thought it was hard to believe, and that he wouldn’t make a pun on it, because they bug him.

With numbers like this, there is no knowing how long students can make a relationship work in the near future.

Aarl Czuz, news reporter, has very distinct point of views on the new relationship outbreak. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY J.MORRELL

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AXELL SANCHEZ

like the unicorn Frappuccino…”

Szechuan said.

So one day you’re browsing your Instagram, Tumblr, or whatever you use social media you use and see that none of your memes have a single like, so you ask yourself “Why can’t my memes have hundreds of likes just like yolodebrolo’s meme’s?”

Well, it's probably because you aren’t following these five easy steps to make a dank meme which were created by Dr. Szechuan.

5. Now, it’s time to post it on your social media account.

“Post the meme on any and all of your social media accounts. Well, post it on everything but 9gag, because, let’s face it, no one uses that anymore,” Szechuan said.

But don’t put a watermark on it.

Watermarks make your memes lose their dankness.

So now you should know how to make a dank meme.

Your notifications should be flooded with likes, reposts, screenshots, etc.

That’s just how United Airlines is throwing out their passengers. If they aren’t, then you probably did something wrong, because Dr.

Szechuan is always right, except for that one time he thought Harambe would become the new president, but we don’t talk about that anymore.

But if you followed these five steps correctly, your memes should get hundreds upon hundreds of likes faster than Lightning McQueen says “Kachow!”.

Join us next time when we teach you how to make a NOT dank memes.

1. So first, find a trending topic/ person/image/video, “So you have to use a something that, as we professional mememakers call it ‘dank.’” Szechuan said.

My favorite is the lamb sauce, as Gordon Ramsey and I are good friends” 2. Think of something snarky/ funny that can be expressed in two sentences or less The snarkism should still make sense in regards to the original content.

“Your meme should be short and sweet, unless you're making an increasingly verbose meme. Those should have at least two-hundred words because, that’s what’s funny about that,” Szechuan said.

3. Now it’s time to actually make the meme using one of the following programs.

“I recommend using quick meme or meme creator to make your memes.

They are so easy to use, SavageNana64, my great grandmother uses them to make her memes,” Szechuan said 4. Make a decision.

Use an existing meme and recaption it or make your own meme.

“You have to decide whether to use an existing meme or make your own..

I recommend using an existing meme, since most one-off memes end up

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An example of a increasingly verbose meme , this time starring Lightning McQueen and his very famous catchphrase, “Kachow!”. PHOTO COURTESY OF V.MENDOZA

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Donald Trump holds his favorite book, which is being brought to life by the man himself in theaters June 25! The film will likely receive an R-rating. PHOTO ILLISTRATION BY M.BROWN

MADELYN BROWN The new movie that EVERYONE is talking about Hop on Pop from Dr. Seuss’ original children’s book will debut in theaters by June 25. and is going to be a HUGE hit!

Hop on Pop the movie is based off of the book and is going to be a very inspirational and heartfelt movie with lots of emotion which will be played by the most world renowned actors and actresses.

The movie is just like the book, but is produced

by Hillary Clinton and directed by Donald Trump.

“There is no plot or words, and is 3 hours long,

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but by the time it’s over, you will want it to be longer!” Clinton said. "I wish I could have produced more movies in the past, but I’m still glad and grateful that I can do this one.”

Trump and Clinton didn’t start off on very well, but once they figured out they both loved Hop on Pop, they put away their differences and became best friends!

So they decided to make a movie out of this wonderful life-changing book.

“We worked our butts off so hard. One of our actors even had to go to the emergency room after remaking the scene when Pop was sitting on a cactus,“ Trump said. “I have always treas-

fake arts & entertainment

ured this wonderful book and didn’t want to change anything about it, but I wanted it to affect other people just as it affected me.”

One of Dr. Seuss’ best friends and writer, Thomas Clark saw a sneak peek of the movie so far. Clark has known Dr. Seuss since they were just kindergarteners. Clark always knew his passion for writing books.

“This movie is just brilliant and a very thoughtful thing to do.” Clark said. “I know Seuss very well and he would be very pleased to see this movie.”

Dr. Seuss was unavailable for comment.

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CELESTE PEARISAEFF

Let’s face it: the movies of this generation are pretty much all just sequels of movies made several years ago. Seeing as they are currently making a Cars 3 and a Titanic 3, it definitely does appear as if the producers and directors are all currently losing ideas for good and unique movies. Meaning that there’s also a lot more room for them to make bad sequels.

“When I watched Pixar’s UP, I cried. And when I found out they were adding onto the heartwarming story of Mr. Fredrickson, I was overwhelmed with happiness!” said sixth grader.“ Ann Zathwuzbahd. “But honestly DOWN was probably one of the worst [movie] sequels I have ever seen!”

Zathwuzbahd went through a truly traumatic experience after witnessing the painfully bad creation of DOWN, the unsuccessful sequel to the very successful Pixar movie UP. The movie apparently featured our beloved little boy, Russel, as a teenager wearing weird clothes, never looking up from his phone, playing in his “super famous” band, and seen giving attitude to Mr. Fredicksen.

A similar review was given by seventh grader, Yosuck Eesequele’ [pronounced as Yo-zuck E-see-quel-eh] about the movie mash up and sequel, Fast and Furious 11: Who Will Make It Over This Hill?

Eesequele’ could barely continue the horror of his journey into the theater to watch this movie mix of the Fast and Furious and Thomas the Little Engine.

He said that even with the huge climax of finding out just who would make it over the hill, Eesequele’ says the movie altogether was a “train ride to Hades.”

“If I had the option between rewatching Who Will Make It Over This Hill or getting stranded on an island, I’d choose the island 100 percent,” said Yosuck Eesequele’ before falling over in painful tears at the horrific memory.

A screening of Frozen: Melted was unavailable at the time of publication, but director Michael Bay described the work.

“We turned up the heat!” Bay said. “Not really though. We just remixed ‘’Let It Go’ and added more chase scenes.”

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The three most unsuccessful movie sequels of 2017: DOWN, Fast & Furious 11: Who will Make it Over This Hill, and Frozen: Melted. PHOTO ILLUSTRATIONS BY C. PEARISAEFF

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Horoscopes

NYA BAAD

PONDERING STUDENTS

NYA BAAD

As summer is nearing closer, students are getting more distracted in class. If you are one of these students, consider the following as questions to ponder. If anything is possible, is it possible for something to be impossible? Does the universe exist as we perceive it? Are emotions anything more than chemical reactions in a brain? Are you a student who finds themself thinking about random things in class?

Aries (March 21- April 19): If a clown holds the door open for you, would it be considered a nice jester?

Taurus (April 20- May 20): How do you make antifreeze? You steal her blanket!

MIDDLE SCHOOL TRENDS From water bottle flipping, slime recipes, and fidget toys, middle school students always keep up with today’s trends. The problem with this is that during the time it's “in” everyone enjoys it and are so glad you bought it. But two weeks later you regret why you spent so much money buying supplies from glue to shaving cream. Do you keep up with today’s trends?

Gemini (May 21- June 20): The wedding was so emotional, even the cake was in tiers!

Cancer (June 21- July 22): Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on it’s own? It was two tired!

TALENT SHOW The Talent Show is a day where a selection of students get to showcase their talents in front of the whole school. It is exciting for students watching because they have less time in school and they enjoy watching their peers anxiously perform for them. Some enjoy showing talents off, such as singing, dancing, piano, or comedy acts. Even though many people get nervous before performing, they should know that MBMS students will always support them. Are you trying out for the Talent Show?

Leo (July 23- Aug. 22): Two antennae fell in love and got married. The service wasn’t up to par, but the reception was!

Virgo (Aug. 23- Sept. 22): What do you do when a chemist dies? You Barium!

WEATHER CHANGES EQUAL B.O.

Libra (Sept. 23- Oct. 22): I'd tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

With spring coming to it’s warmest temperatures school dress code comes into play. And it isn’t just girls with shorts and tank tops though, boy’s also break the rules by wearing muscle tees. With this hot and humid weather also comes body odor. I mean, just put some deodorant on! Have you ever broken the dress-code without getting caught?

Scorpio (Oct. 23- Nov. 21): A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

SBA TESTING

Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21): My math teacher called me average. How mean!

These last few weeks of school are dreaded by every single student. As SBA testing nears closer, students are thinking about the long hours of sitting and staring at screen, with few breaks in-between. Some people wish that they could go back to paper so they aren’t always staring at computers because you can get headaches. They don’t even give us gum anymore like they use to! Do you enjoy SBA testing?

Capricorn (Dec. 22- January 19): For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

Aquarius (Jan. 20- February 18): What if there were no hypothetical questions?

PARADOXES Paradoxes are a freak of nature. They should never exist because all they do is break your mind. For example, what would happen if Pinocchio said his nose will now grow? Also, what would happen if someone said, “This statement is false?” Although paradoxes are very confusing, they give you something to think about. Do you feel as if paradoxes break your mind?

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Pisces (Feb. 19- March 20): Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen normally dies within 80 years.

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May Addiction Honor Roll Lubash Fidget SBA Lewis Fundraiser

Durham Google Translate Lacy Dank Meme Knighton Hop on Pop Chalmers

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Down Frappuccino United Airlines Vatne Telegram Chalmers Melted *

G N A Y V B H H M R P V N L M W N R S G

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F R F S T Q P T G R E F G V S J U E E L

S Y K K J J T J N S D S G C J J S L K I

L Z U K R X C M D I J R U M M G A B Y C

E U I Q T M F G J Z O V D O G Y G I S N

T M I B Z Z C U F S X X Z N A O E L X F *

S B J G Y W U A W A D Z Q R H L S L R O

X J E O I G S L S D U W T K H O M U B B

K X H N T G I R B T D E G Y B N S G P U

K R F N J K Z R Y G B G E S R T P W N G

V F S B Y K Q U Q Z B Q M L R I M Y O J 27

M D L X J I D Z S V N B I A X Q D H Y C

K Y Y F A A O W K A N E T Q Z X J C O S

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Q M J M N C D X H K D H E E U A L C L Y

D H V V F X U E P X Y M T G B O A U L P

A X C G Y A P U T T H I S D O W N E X T

Y V U I B O U Z Y F D X A F J N Q L L F

L P H W R A J N O A A N W U F O V J V J

L Q I E Z Q S G K N D D B Y S F R M S Y

CONNOR MACDOUGALL It’s a looming threat that runs rampant in today’s society. It’s an obstacle that makes even the strongest of men cower in their boots. The sheer thought of it will bring a tear to your ear.

For years, students at Mt. Baker Middle School have casually gone about their day, walking through the halls, not a care in the world. But only the smart realize how much their daily life is affected by this huge problem. If you are unaware of this, prepare to have your life changed. Look at the clock on your phone, and then look at the clock hung on your classroom wall. You’ll notice that the school clock is two minutes behind the real world clock.

“I honestly can’t believe that something like this exists,” eighth-grader Grace Couey said , “I’m a track runner, and because track starts at 2:10, realworld time, I only have eight minutes to prepare myself. My running performance is seriously affected if I don’t get my extra two minutes.”

It’s not just sports that are destroyed as a result of this. Several teachers claim that their sleep schedule is absolutely obliterated by the “TwoMinute Treachery”, (as it has been dubbed by those who fear it most).

Several teachers say that they wake up, have their daily morning routine, and get in their car to drive to school, and are perfectly fine with it.

But after they found out about the Two-Minute Treachery, they lives completely changed. Think about it: if you wake up at 6:00, do what you need to do, and arrive at school at 6:30 real-world time, it ends up being 6:28 in school time. Teachers are incredibly angry realizing they could have gotten an extra two minutes of sleep, and still have made it to school to get work done.

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“I think we may need to insert a leap day with all of the lost time on our school clo—,” said ELA teacher Mr, Warring, just before he dozed off. “Zzzzzzz!”

Parents also like to complain about it.

According to several Mt. Baker moms and dads, their usual plan is to pick up their kid at 2:00 and drive home as quick as they can. However, because the students get out at 2:02 instead, the parents’ schedules are completely ruined.

For the time being, it should be, without a doubt, our school’s top priority to be fixed. You may not realize how terrible this is, but when you do, it’ll hit you like a truck.

“I’m not saying that I’m gonna be terrible because of this,” Couey said, “but if I lose the mile, don’t get mad at me.”

Kim Darkashian, a firm believer in student education, is seen being told about the Two-Minute Treachery. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY T. HOLDEN VIA PHO.TO

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What

Disagree? This special teacher– written segment of ‘What Grinds My Gears’ is presented as opinion and does not express the views of all MBMS students or The Canine Chronicle. If you disagree, relax...it's a humor edition. Don’t take life so seriously...CHILL, bruh!

Teacher’s

A FEW GOOD TESTS You know what grinds my gears? The SBA. I have a greater responsibility as a math teacher than you can possibly fathom.

You weep for the SBA and you curse the homework. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That the SBA, while difficult, probably prepares you for success in life. And its existence while grotesque and incomprehensible to students, improves math knowledge.

You want to take the SBA, because deep down, in places you don’t talk about in the hallway, you want that perfect score. You need that perfect score.

We use words like Property, Definition, and Theorem. We use these words as a back bone of a life spent learning mathematics. You use them as a punchline.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain the existence of the SBA to any student not willing to put forth their best effort to write down notes for the instruction I provide or complete the daily practice necessary to learn it. I’d rather you just said thank you, and excitedly took the SBA. Otherwise I suggest you pick up your calculator and crunch some numbers. Either way, the SBA doesn’t give a dang about what you think you are entitled to.

And that’s what grinds my gears.

—MR. CARTER (COL. NATHAN R. JESSUP ) ___________________________________

OPEN DOORS You know what really grinds my gears? People who leave the 400 hall door OPEN! Come on.

Haven’t you people figured out where you live?

This is the Pacific Northwest where for 10 months out of 12, temperatures are in the 5060 degree range along with blistering wind and rain, and yes even snow.

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Ever heard of a heating bill? I can just see the $$$$ floating out the doors as hapless adolescents, and yes even the adults around here, determine that having the doors open is a good choice…

Just think what we could buy for our beloved students with the saved money? Hot Cheetos and Sprite by the case to pass out when their hunger pangs are just too much before lunch.

Please don’t concern yourselves with the security issues. We should just put a big fat sign on the door that says, “Welcome all crazy people, come on in!” A smiley face would be a nice touch too.

And yes, please don’t be worry at all about the old lady with thin blood running through her body shivering in Room 410; she’ll just turn up her portable heater and put on those newly knitted extra warm socks. The custodian will probably find her frozen to her computer some sad night.

Honestly, what is the matter with you people? You run around this place like it’s July all year. It makes me cold just looking at you wearing those shorts and pants with air conditioning built in, and don’t get me started on that.

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! (I mean the 400 Hall door). And that’s what grinds my gears.

—MS. THORINGTON ____________________________________

UNPREPARED STUDENTS You know what really grinds my gears? Students who come to my class unprepared.

If I had a dollar for the number of kids who entered my classroom and said, "I don't have a pencil," I would be a very rich man.

Being the kind, generous teacher that I am, I do offer pencils to my students.

What's the catch kids? You have to fill out a pink slip! My regular students are familiar with this consequence. It's like a processing form, but you only fill one out if you borrow from my supply of pencils.

teacher opinion

Think of it as a loan. I'm not a vending machine for pencils. Ever since I created this new consequence, the number of unprepared students (and you know who you are) has dropped significantly. Coincidence? I think not.

And that's what really grinds my gears!

—MR. COPE ____________________________________

DOUBLE NEGATIVES You know what really grinds my gears: double negatives?

It can’t not bug you, too. I mean it is truly annoying to hear people not say what they don’t mean.

Let’s say you ask your friend, who seems really not quite happy. You feel like you shouldn’t just sit there and do nothing. You fish for why they are not telling you why they aren’t in a good mood. “Are you doing okay?” And they respond, after sighs and ummms, “oh nothing” which you know means they really are not happy nor unhappy, but still they don’t just come out and spill the beans.

And there’s another thing…idioms. Who uses those, anymore? Certainly there is more than one way to skin a cat, but WHO is skinning cats and why is that a saying? More ambiguity. That is the last thing not needed in today’s culture, you know what I’m saying?

The evidence for it is not irrefutable. It’s almost as bad as the folks who make toast and leave crumbs on the counter and in the butter. You can’t not even pick up after yourself?

It’s almost like not ordering a drink or food when someone asks if you’re thirsty or hungry and then they ask if they can try your food. Didn’t I just not ask you if you wanted something? Ain’t nobody got time for that.

And that’s what grinds my gears.

—MRS. CARSTENS

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DAWSON ABBE & CHRIS NGUYEN

HC Mr. Vatne

WR Dustin Bieber

#1 rated middle school offensive coordinator in the country

Holds the record for most time saying the word “baby” during a game (2,007)

The Seahorses fired Cete Parroll from the head coaching position for over inflating footballs in week 7 against the New England Deflatriots. After the huge the controversy, they hired Coach Vatne from Mount MBMS. Vatne has been awarded Middle School Coach of the Year for leading his high-powered offense to the Auburn championship game.

Vatne will bring a huge lift to the Seahorses offensive unit.

They had many struggles at offensive line and quarterback last season, but the new head coach will surely take care of these problems very quickly.

The 5’’9 146-pound wide receiver from Middle School Dropout University has been encountering many challenges since becoming part of Seahorses roster.

“Last week when we were working with the new recruits and I went over to monitor Dustin,” wide receiver coach Cave Danales said. “We lined him up for the catching drills and he hasn't caught the ball yet.”

While Bieber is lacking lots of key skills. He is also really exceptional at being rude to his fans and making his voice crack when singing and say the same word over and over again like baby.

Bieber brings a very low amount of talent to the Seahorses, but he always encourages his teammates to by saying, “Never say Never.”

Mt. Baker Middle School

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The Seattle Seahorses have added some great additions in the 2017 offseason. They now feel very confident in their roster heading into next season, thanks to the additions of Dustin Bieber, Mr. Klean, Drayke, and the signing of their new head coach, Mr. Vatne.

LB Mr. Klean

FS Drayke

Hygiene State University

More Life University

Fastest time cleaning entire stadium: 2.1 hours

Fastest recorded time making an album while in a game: 1.5 quarters

Mr. Klean, the 6”4 265-pound linebacker from Hygiene State University, is shining with talent. He currently holds an NFL record for cleaning the entire stadium in 2.1 hours.

“I think it just comes naturally,” Klean said. “Whenever I see a crusty pizza stain or a sticky spill of root beer I just have the urge to clean it.”

Klean’s strategy when tackling players is by spraying Axe body spray on the opponents causing them to pass out.

Klean was a standout player in college; however, he often gets distracted. He has been known to miss entire games due to his obsession of cleaning everything he sees.

The Seahorses traded all of their draft picks next year to acquire the Pro-Bowl free safety, Drayke.

He is highly thought of as one of the top players in the league, but you may not know that he also has some musical talent too.

While playing college football at More Life University, he recorded an entire album while sitting on the sideline in only one and a half quarters.

The Seahorses think that he will provide much-needed entertainment on the sideline, and maybe even perform halftime shows one day.

PHOTO ILLUSTRATIONS

BY D. BY ABBE & C. NGUYEN ALL PHOTO ILUSTATIONS D.ZERCHER

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