The Canine Chronicle MBMS MAY 2015

[t h e canine ] mount baker middle school, auburn, washington

may 2015

volume V, issue 5

inside this issue: High 5 Zone Injuries

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New Clubs

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Magical Recycle Bin

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Before They Were Teachers

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Illuminati at Mount Baker

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PRIDE Award Fashion

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Chalmers: Prodigy Child

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Swift Goes Metal

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Children Books=Bad Movies

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Food Tournament

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Student Declares For Draft

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Guess Who?

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Horoscope

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What Grinds My Gears

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FRONT COVER: You know, just your average teacher taking his cats for a walk! Mr. King loves his cats as you can tell.

Teachers at Mount Baker are embracing this chance to poke fun at one another. PHOTO COURTESY OF M. KING

Dear Bulldogs, Spring has just arrived, and so has the unlimited amount of testing here at Mount Baker. The SBA, or whatever it is called now, lingers in students’ brains as a brief reminder to always study and do well in school. While most students are worried about this SBA, the staff at The Canine Chronicle are franticly trying to accomplish our April Fool’s articles, which will actually be distributed in May. HA! Satirical newspapers or news shows have been very present throughout the history of comedy. From Saturday

Night Live to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, comedy featuring the news has been relevant everywhere for the past 50 years. Satire is most often meant to be humorous and to joke about real life situations and the world we live.

Even though the job of our newspaper is to produce factual and true information, we believe that it may also be appropriate to have some fun with current events. The satirical articles in this newspaper are based on facts, but are fictitious in nature. Real students and staff quotes were used, but they were in on the joke.

Celebrities names were misspelled intentionally, so don’t get all preachy and call the grammar police. Any images or articles about famous people were used ethically and under parody creative license laws for publications.

Even though it is our duty and responsibility to report factual information about our school, we just want to let our school know that these articles DO NOT HOLD FACTUAL INFORMATION, despite being based on actual occurring events!

Have a great end of the year Baker!

BACK COVER: Even though this article is based on humor, many news worthy events occurred in the month of April as well, the school play, dunk tanks, and the Washington DC trip all deserve recognition, coming in June edition. PHOTO COLLAGE BY T. LITTLE

The Canine Chronicle

EDITORS Editors

Reporters

Reporters

Reporters

Shewit Alemayehu Symone Bolden Skylar Erickson Dylan Grenz Kira Kopcho Trevor Little

Hunter Allemand Katelyn Andersen Cami Baker ZaReah Barren Jenn Bell Elijah Blyden Tyler Braun Siarah Brown Chucky Chang

Hailey Cruz Ty Emmons Erandy Flores Korben Hart Camden Heilborn Mercedes Johnson Kayna Kliewer Brianna Lloyd

Sharon Manivanh Arturo Martinez-Reyes Dylan Molina Jennifer Ortiz Yuliana Romo-Perez Isaiah Shin

Adviser

Peter Warring

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mission: The MBMS Journalism 8 class produced this limited-voice newspaper with intent to ethically report events accurately, without bias. As a public forum for students, all decisions made on content are made under the guidance of the adviser, with intent to uphold students’ First Amendment rights.

The opinions presented in articles are provided to represent the views and perspectives of students and individuals in our diverse student population, not necessarily the whole of the adviser, faculty, and administrators. Any material that would cause a disruption to the educational process like libel, invasion of privacy, or copyright infringement will not be published.

The Canine Chronicle is produced using Microsoft Publisher. Photographs not taken by students have been utilized through a Creative Commons and Microsoft license. School portraits are licensed though Dorian Photography.

DISCLAIMER: This edition is meant to primarily focus humorous satire of current events and school issues. Consider all material works of fiction.

Technical Support Jay Kemp

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I flew in a homemade glider across the football field! As exciting as that was, I am writing this letter because I am frustrated, not exhilarated. I am extremely active here at MBMS. What does it take for a student to get recognition for their accomplishments…like an 11-yearold building and flying their own plane?

While in Aviation Club at MBMS, I built a glider, composed of just simple Saran Wrap and bamboo and flew it across the football field. Multiple TV news organizations showed up to report about it, but from The Canine Chronicle? Nothing! Jesse Jones was here to report. THEE Jesse Jones.

I suffer from a rare condition of Zelweger Kreutzfeldt-Yakob Glooming Syndrome, so I hope prejudice towards this chronic genetic ailment, afflicting my sister and cousins, has not led to the lack of coverage of my accomplishments. Do you know how hard it is to put on a flight helmet with a 6-inch horn sticking out of your forehead?

Did I mention I flew a glider made of household items across the football field? I have a long list of accomplishments, including being the Aviation Club founding and only member, playing in orchestra, taking eighth grade honors classes as a sixth grader, and serving the community with activism. Oh, and did I mention…I FLEW A SELFCONSTUCTED GLIDER ACROSS THE MBMS FOOTBALL FIELD!?

I am writing this letter to break up with you…Just kidding. (We couldn’t resist.)

All jokes aside, we value your readership and opinion, acknowledging your exceptional contributions to MBMS and the community. We publish articles about students and activities of prominence, consequence, and interest to our readers, regardless of their social, racial, or economic status. In no way do we discriminate…Unless you consider not publishing articles about untalented students discrimination?

With that being said, check page 16 for a feature article about you and your family. Our staff supports those afflicted with Zelweger Kreutzfeldt-Yakob Glooming Syndrome and wish to further advocate for equality those living with ZKYG Syndrome.

Consequently, we did not cover your Aviation Club “accomplishment” for a few reasons. First MBMS does not recognize your organization as a club, since there is only one member and no advisor. Clubs, by nature, have multiple members. Secondly, you were cited for trespassing by the Auburn PD, and caused property damage to the goal post while trying to fly through the uprights. Jesse Jones even called your actions a “cry for help.”

Do I need to “Get Jesse”…or will you at least give some love to an exceptional sixth grader?

While we HAVE covered your many accomplishments on page 16, we will not highlight your nefarious, illegal, non-school-sanctioned activities. Thank you for your submission and we hope you enjoy this edition.

Sincerely,

Sincerely,

John Chalmers

The Canine Chronicle

sixth grade

staff P.S. Tell your fellow sixth graders to stop running everywhere.

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Skylar Erickson & Symone Bolden

Since the start of the High 5 Zone, many have wondered about how to high five correctly and efficiently.

Students have been trying to avoid the deadly consequences of receiving a lethal high five because of the hurtful impact. Right in front of the commons is locally known as the “hot zone”.

With increasing injuries lately, and the spread of the fan girl epidemic, who knows what other diseases will invade our school. Even washing your hands won’t destroy this monstrosity of a disease.

The main consequences include serious pains in the lumbrical mus-

cles of the Hand and the spread of This could only mean one thing, germs.

Carpel Tunnel Syndrome.

These serious side effects can “Ever since I was a young boy, I later cause health issues that may always dreamed about making it to lead to death. the RPS ChamSixth grad“My hand is continually p i o n s h i p s er, John [Rock Paper being injured in the Chalmers S c i s s o r s ]. ” was horrified Chalmers said. dreadful High 5 Zone.” and shocked “Now I can’t to find out even high five —JOHN CHALMERS that the exwithout serisixth grade cessive ous pains.” amounts of Students high fives given to him in the High 5 with dreams like Chalmers can easiZone caused numbness and sensi- ly avoid the germs of the high fives tive phalanges. by doing the following.

Go around the High 5 Zone, wear a bio hazard suit, don’t touch anyone's hands and just leave them hanging.

Don’t breathe while in the area.

Seventh grader Jeff Jefferson strongly disliked this area, because entering this terrible place will cause dangerous side effects. Such as becoming a fan girl or boy, having carpal tunnel syndrome, and broken wrist.

“I fractured nearly all of the bones in my hand because of the High 5 Zone.” Jefferson stated. “Not just that but now because of the extra slowness in the hallway, I am always late for class and get lunch deten-

Is the High 5 Zone effective?

Courtesy of Creative Commons for all photos

Skylar Erickson & Symone Bolden

“You can always tell about somebody by the way they enter the High 5 Zone and lift there hand up in a graceful gesture.”

“High fives are always good, but when you’re 20 feet tall with arms that are only three feet, it isn’t a confidence booster.”

“The only thing to fear is fear itself and the High 5 Zone, Morgin Freemin would.”

“High fives are not so good for me because I am constantly on a wrecking ball. I’m afraid that I will hit someone.”

BETY WHITE

TYRONE REX

MORGIN FREEMIN

eighth grade

seventh grade

sixth grade

MILY SYRUS

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COURTESY OF THELATEBREAK.COM

tions.” better” Bob expressed. “Most of the time stuStudents have been suffering because of this dents try to ignore me or go around which is painful part of the school. With all of the injuries really depressing and hurts my feelings.” lately some would wonder if the zone should be High fives can also be used in a positive way. removed.

Jefferson also stated that “The High 5 Zone is a good Jefferson also stated that if the students didn't hit his place if it is used wisely.” recently he received a high face he would enjoy high five to the face for only stepfives more. ping on the tape that creates “I actually like high fives —JEFF JEFFERSON the border. He believes that it just not the High 5 Zone,” seventh grade isn’t necessary and there are Jefferson stated. more injuries than benefits.

Besides all of the injuries and spreads of disOthers like eighth grader, Billy Bob, highly ease the high five zone can be a nice place when disagreed and was ecstatic about the High 5 you are in it. Whether or not the High 5 Zone is Zone when it first was added for more positivity used it will still be there waiting for its next in the school environment. victim of Fangirl Disease or the perfect child “I love high fives just the other day I was who will spread it. standing in the middle making everyone’s day

Elijah Blyden & Mercedes Johnson After a Mt. Baker student contracted fangirl disease, an epidemic has been spreading through the school unchecked. Lately, the school nurse has noticed the increasing numbers of students visiting her office.

After running several tests, the nurse has concluded that the disease is highly contagious and can be spread by touch. Common symptoms include screaming, lack of sleep, obsession, and uncontrolled ranting about a celebrity.

It is believed that Jane Chalmers-Bieber first became infected with the illness after she attended a Just-in Bieber concert and received a high-five from Just-in.

The eighth grader who added Bieber to her surname said, “I haven’t washed my hand since it was touched by Just-in.”

Chalmers-Bieber is currently receiving treatment at the UW Medical Center. Where the doctors worry for her recovery. Currently there are 70 confirmed cases of fangirl disease at MBMS, but as many as 350 students could be infected. Of the students suffering from the disease, many blame the High 5 Zone for their exposure.

“I was like—walking down the hall and I high-fived Jane, I didn’t really know her but she seemed nice and stuff,” seventh grader Claire Morgaansoon said.

“Later when I got home I felt a strong urge to watch Cameron Austin and Dash Grier videos, and a week lanter I’m like--in the hospital.”

Morgaansoon is expected to recover and has received doses of an experimental drug developed by the Institute of Teenage Girl Studies or ITGS in Nome, Alaska.

“We have accelerated the development and production of an experimental medication, ” the ITGS said in a recent press release. “Unfortunately a series of blizzards have prevented us from sending the medication to infected areas such as Mt. Baker Middle School.”

So far only 12 infected students have received the drug from the ITGS and many remain untreated.

As Noah Elwell tries to high five no one high fives him back. Students are sad due to the fact that they don’t receive high fives from there fellow classmates.

PHOTO BY P.WARRING

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After school hall monitor Rick Crosby claimed he saw Cowan building a robot that looked exactly like the Terminator. Do you believe Crosby’s story is valid? PHOTO COURTESY OF FUNPHOTOBOX.COM

Cowan’s Robot Uprising Dylan Grenz & Tyler Braun

Michelle Mobama has decided to come to would be the best for the school. The results MBMS and lead the clubs that are in need of were Netflix Club, Online Shopping Club, and an advisor. After hearing about the prodigy Selfie Club. child, John Chalmers, Netflix Club: “I joined because obviously I Mobama knew that This club is perfect have a passion for fashion– she had to travel for the type of peracross the counson that likes to that's from Bratz.” try to meet him. binge watch multiple Mobama said it seasons each week.

—Jocelle Pham The Netflix club would be an honor meets every Friday seventh grade to be part of the after school in Mrs. school with such an extraordinary person. Her husband has Rogers’s classroom from 2:00 to 5:30. agreed to let her travel, because it’s good Students can bring blankets, pillows and food to eat while watching movies and TV shows. for humanity.

For the first time, it is not a requirement to The staff voted for the three clubs that write summaries or reviews and turn them in as

Many people here at Mt. Baker know eighth grade science and robotics teacher Mr. Cowan, but a new investigation suggests some pretty surprising information.

It has recently been discovered that Cowan, along with his robotics club members, have been creating what they call “T2”, a robot very similar to the original terminator.

After school hall monitor Rick Crosby first reported seeing the robot.

“I was just doin’ my job, walking the halls, when I heard a whirring noise from one of the classrooms,” Crosby stated. “I peeked into the door window and saw some sort of robot thingy. It reminded me of that Terminator movie. And all of a sudden it shoots some laser at a piece of wood. It was pretty scary.”

Crosby then said he raced to Mr. Brown’s office and brought him back to the scene, only to find an empty classroom.

“I just didn’t understand. One minute it was there, the next it wasn’t.”

After Crosby told his story, many staff members searched Cowan’s classroom, only to find regular classroom materials.

While neither Cowan nor his robotics club members wanted to comment on the situation, Cowan did call the whole thing “ridiculous.”

The biggest question is whether or not Crosby is telling the truth. It may seem like a tall tale, but there is some evidence that says otherwise.

For one, Cowan and his club members refused to talk about their activities. Also, many teachers and students have claimed to have heard strange noises coming from the classroom within the last two months.

Authorities say that since Crosby has very little evidence, they won’t press charges. However, the question is still unanswered: what exactly are they working on in robotics?

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homework due to the fact that this is a club for entertainment.

“We could learn more about each other,” said sixth grader Charlotte Maak. Specifically the type of shows they like to watch.

In this club students will learn how to successfully binge watch episodes and catch up on TV shows. “[My personal favorite] is Mako Mermaids and you can go watch it on Netflix,” seventh grader Jocelle Pham said.

Online Shopping Club: The online shopping club is for those who enjoy shopping without having to take a trip to the store. The club will meet every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. “[I joined] because obviously I have a passion

Michelle Mobama will arrive at MBMS where the staff will welcome her to the school. In order to not make a big deal about her arrival, she has agreed to wear sunglasses and a wig. COURTESY OF COMMONS.WEKIMEDIA.ORG VIA CREATIVE COMMONS

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for fashion- that’s from Bratz,“ Pham said. “This will teach other people to not buy ugly clothes so you don’t look like Jake from State Farm.”

The products bought are delivered to the school and can be picked up at the main office.

Students will have the opportunity to create a wish list of the items they would like to buy.

Those who love clothing can express their passion for fashion through shopping for designer apparel to add to their wardrobe.

“I like to shop at Nike, Soccer.com, and Amazon,” eighth grader Talia Samuelson said.

Selfie Club: Everyone has those selfies that they would never share with anyone. This club is about building up the confidence to be able to share those selfies with anyone.

Skilled selfie-takers will teach you how to find the perfect filter for your face. The pictures can be taken by phones and transferred to apps where they can be edited.

Michelle Mobama has a hidden talent of taking professional selfies. “[I learned how to] take selfies farther away

or candid, because Michelle takes them VERY close up,” Pham said.

Everyone who enters must purchase a selfie stick or selfie shoes and be willing to share selfies on social media. For more information or questions, hashtag your selfie on #selfieclubquestions on Instagram.

Michelle Mobama will be waiting for your hashtag.

What club would you add to MBMS? ALL PHOTOS BY K. KLIEWER AND Y. ROMO-PEREZ

Kayna Kliewer & Yuliana Romo-Perez

“A club maybe for kids that speak different languages, so they can get help.”

“A Hispanic club for Mexicans where we would speak Spanish and play soccer.”

“A cooking club to teach kids how to cook if they don’t know how.”

“We need a crafty scrapbooking, card making club.”

FRANCISCO GONZALEZRAMIREZ eighth grade

DANIEL CANO-RIOS

MICHAEL GOFORTH

MRS. ROGERS

seventh grade

sixth grade

science teacher

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Harry Potter was spotted next to the Baker recycling bin casting a spell. This spell caused all of the objects that were in the bin to fly. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY S. ALEMAYEHU

Shewit Alemayehu, Erandy Flores, Sharon Manivanh Strange things recently have been found in the recycle bins, including owl feathers, an acceptance letter to Hogwarts, and even wands. These findings have students and staff wondering where all of this stuff came from.

Yet with all the evidence leading to the possibility of Baker’s recycling bins as an entrance to the Wizarding World, no official statement has been made by the administrators.

There has been rumors that Mrs. Keaton is a “wanted witch”, and the secret is finally out.

With this big revelation we decided to sit and chat with her.

Without being direct, she had confirmed that the rumors are true about the recycling bin finds.

So how did this wanted witch even end

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up in Baker? And how did she manage to Aurors have to capture in their own escape the Wizarding World? world, we don’t have to worry about “First of all, I got here by vanishing Mrs. Keaton leaving anytime soon. cabinet, which I ” …Some of those hid in the ForbidAurors made major den Forest. No galleons from my one wants to go meddling. They don’t in there if they want to find me that don’t have to,” badly. They’ve got Keaton stated. bigger dark wizards Staff and stuto fry,” Keaton added dents have now on. been worried of So is Mrs. Keaton Aurors- the the only teacher at Wizard Police, Baker that’s a wantentering Baker ed wizard? Think COURTESY OF GALLERYHIP.COM and taking away again. our beloved Mrs. “There already is.

Keaton.

Have you met some of the substitute But due to all the dark wizards the teachers here? They are not quite as

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discreet as I am or maybe they mixed some bad polyjuice potion,” Keaton stated.

When we brought up the topic of the recycling bins, Keaton, out of anger, had to step out of the room from all of the overwhelming questions.

She then almost confessed, “I don’t like the fact that muggles stumbled upon it. The last thing I need is to have to save a sixth grader from the clutches of an Acromantula…And I mean, really?”

There has also been rumors that some students from Hogwarts will be transferring to Baker and vice versa. This rumor sparked up due to the fact that there was a Hogwarts acceptance letter in the recycle bins.

If you had the chance to leave Baker and transfer to Hogwarts, would you?

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Harry Potter Recylus Totalus Snape

Dumbeldore Satirus Sempre Hermione

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Brianna Lloyd & Hailey Cruz

Mr. Billy

Ms. Buhr

Custodian

Sixth Grade Science Teacher

Before he came to MBMS, Mr. Billy had fun with his crew and being a pirate. Mr. Billy also known as Captain Mighty Shiver Beard, sailed the seven seas with his “England Black Devil crew,” according to Mr. Billy.

“The pirate be boarding your boat afore ye can say “ship ahoy,’” Shiver Beard said.

We all know that pirates are all about PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY B.LLOYD & H. CRUZ the treasure and about being tough, and that’s what Shiver Beard was up to. For five years he sailed the cold hard sea, to only find a half a chest of treasure.

“I fire six pounders anytime someone gets close t’ me ship,” Shiver Beard said. “Makin’ people walk t’ plank isn’t reassurin’.”

After sailing the seas for five years, Shiver Beard’s sea legs wore out, and it was time to end the pirate occupation and do something he only knew how to do, clean. Cleaning makes him remember the joyful times he had on the ship with his crew.

“My sea legs aren’t the way they used be. They wore out. After five years at sea it was time to come home and test out the land,” Shiver Beard said.

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Before Ms. Buhr was a teacher, she twirled around as a rhythmic gymnast. She begin her passion after watching an Olympic gymnast on TV. “One day I want to be like her. I want to do cool flips, and twirls,” Buhr said.

Buhr trained thirty hours a week, to make it in to the Olympics. She supported the frog association, because she always had a passion for science.

She had trouble with PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY B.LLOYD & H. CRUZ her floor exercises because it was hard to consist rhythm throughout her routine. Her hardest competition was a famous gymnast Nadya Commanece, who always did her dismount better than her.

“I always had trouble with floor exercises, I always did them to fast at some parts, and to slow at others,” Burh said. “It was so confusing to keep up with all of the speeds and movement needed to complete the routine.”

Buhr qualified for the Olympics, but did not place in the top three, but also didn’t finish in the bottom three.

“I didn’t quite make it, but I was proud that I had the best outfit and the best hair,” Buhr said. “I would always consider going back maybe to the senior Olympics.”

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Mr. Carter

Mrs. Keaton

Eighth Grade Math Teacher

Eighth Grade L.A. Teacher

Before Mr. Carter, became a math teacher he spent his time saving princesses and being a noble medieval knight.

Carter spent the days building up his muscles, and spent the nights defend his PHOYO ILLUSTRATION BY B.LLOYD & H.CRUZ castle, and saving the princesses in danger.

“I loved being a knight. It was a noble job, and to be trusted to guard the castle at night, was an honor I will never forget,” Carter said.

One time, Carter had to secure the castle, when it was under its worst attack.

“I remember when the first bomb hit our castle, it was a scary moment.

The leading knight was nowhere to be found, so I had to step up and take his place,” Carter said. “That was the first moment I realized, this is my passion defending my castle.“ Fortunately Carter got his worthy knights together and stopped the enemy from bombing the castle. The bombs only destroyed one tiny portion of the castle which has been rebuilt.

“After the attack, I decided it was time for a youngster take my spot.

Someone who had the same passion of protecting the castle as me,” Carter said.

Before Mrs. Keaton became a teacher she was a wizard accused of rigging the 2011 Quidditch World Cup. With the use of polyjuice potion, Penelope Rockwood escaped from the Department of Magic Law Enforcement and came to MBMS. Rockwood came to the muggle world to be a teachPHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY B.LLOYD & H.CRUZ er.

“That’s what they would least expect,” Rockwood said.

Rockwood takes her polyjuice potion twice a day, but sometimes forgets to take it when she is so focused on trying to figure out what to do with her gullible students.

“I’m surprised that the students have notice my aggressive behavior,” Rockwood said.

Penelope rarely uses spells but in unusual cases she has to use a deadly curse on students who would not do their work and were a huge distraction to the class.

“Sometimes using the imperious curse comes in handy,” Rockwood said.

Rockwood still visits the wizard world, but not as Penelope, she stops in Diagon Alley as Romilda Vane. Romilda is the women whom Rockwood takes DNA from for her polyjuice potion. She is too attached to the shops and stores that come with the alley.

“I just can’t stay away from the chocolate frogs and butterbeer,” Rockwood said.

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Our researchers have compiled pictures that can prove that the Illuminati has infiltrated MBMS. Although we have discovered this evidence, we don’t know what it all means yet. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY K. HART.

Chucky Chang, Korben Hart Recently at MBMS, speculation about the potential of to ensure that the Illuminati does not take over his the Illuminati being affiliated with MBMS has ripped mind to make him eat MacRonalds’ vile dollar menu. through campus like a hurricane. We are here to once We were able to catch him for an interview before he and for all prove their existence. Experts in the danger- barricaded himself inside his house. ous field of Illuminati re“I wear my specially de“Mt. Baker = 7 letters, 7 rhymes with 11, 7 + 11 = search, working in the dark signed, radio proof, tin foil 18, 18 is when you become an adult, adult has 5 until now, have confirmed hat at all times,” Diego exletters, 18 – 5 = 13. Mt. Baker is in Auburn, 6 these speculations. plained. “I also carry around letters in Auburn, 13 – 6 = 7. Auburn is in WashUsing this complex scientific my radio dish on me; my ington, 10 letters in Washington, 10 – 7 = 3. algorithm, Illuminati reequipment allows me to THREE SIDES TO THE ILLUMINATI TRIANGLE.” search professional, Jaden detect and avoid the IllumiMonto proved that MBMS is in nati’s mind control waves.”

—JADEN MONTO fact intertwined with the Reports said he has not illuminati research professional Illuminati. come out of his house since Monto has proved the existence of the Illuminati, but our interview. he’s not the only one working against evil. There is an By comparing our notes with other specialists, we extraordinarily courageous man at this school who have been able to produce extremely convincing evifights day and night. He promotes Illuminati awareness dence. We have compiled the most astounding evidence and safety for the sake of all. at the top of this particular article.

Diego Allison-Silva was the first to acquire knowledge As you can see, these clearly credible pictures should about the Illuminati and has applied safety precautions be enough to prove the Illuminati’s existence.

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However, there are still people who doubt this dangerous organization’s existence. To silence these doubts we have obtained a first-hand account.

“I was walking home from school like usual,” Cody Bounma recounted. “When I walked past a dark alleyway on Unsuspicious Avenue, I heard a high-pitch Wilhelm scream and saw two pairs of bright glaring eyes.”

Bounma was extraordinarily lucky to get away.

None of our investigators have come back with any recollection of that alley. Hopefully, we will be able to discover the truth.

We have also been able to link the dastardly SBA testing to the Illuminati. The people behind the test lead you to believe it stands for “Smarter Balance Assessment”, when it really stands for “Silenti Bos Ara.” In Latin this loosely translates to “Dead Cow Alter”, which leads us to believe that the SBA is actually a diversion for the Illuminati to steal cows for their secret alters.

Now that we’ve revealed ourselves, the Illuminati may very well come for us. It’s your duty as a reader to spread the word … before it’s too late. volume V, issue 5

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Get Best Trendy Products Siarah Brown & Camden Heilborn

The Ab-Hancer

Do you finally want a friend that never says no? Well now you can with the personalized bobble head. With the face of your choice and the size of the head, you can have the best friend you never had, only $29.99. “I would buy it myself, so the days I’m absent it would be the teacher,” Mrs. Lindgrensaid . But who would want an overpriced doll with a freakishly big head just sitting around in your room all day, nodding their head eternally?

The ab-hancer is so simple, and yet so genius. It creates an instant six pack in seconds for only $19.99.

Instead of spending endless hours at the gym not making any progress, the ab-hancer applies force to your skin to leave markings that look like a six pack.

Even though the ab-hancer looks like you’re in shape, it doesn’t mean you actually are. Don’t be that person who has never stepped foot into a gym and randomly gets a six pack the next day.

Selfie Shoe Irritated with the selfie shoe yet? Well then things are about to get tense with the new and improved selfie shoe. The selfie shoe is a brand new way to produce generations of photo’s that will make us lose hope in all humanity. On the other hand, selfie shoes free your hands so they can be in the picture. Basically it’s a selfie lover’s dream come true. “ I like how my hands can be in it,, but I seem to cut off my head do to the lack of flexibility,” Mrs. Keaton said. Just insert your cellphone into the slot on the toes of the shoe. For only $199 you can get this one of a kind product.

Hair Hat The hair hat allows a typical middle age balding man to get beautiful locks like George Clooney. From zero to hero this hat will make any ugly man desirable. No more expensive hair products that never work because the hair hat does it all for only $7.99. “I would buy Mr. Brown a green camo hat with brown hair, I think that will look very nice on him,” Mrs. Walker said. But be careful because this worthless product will fly off your head any moment in the wind.

Once again will leave you in you miserable hairless life.

Digital Vanity Mirror It takes too much time to pound on the makeup and soak in the hair gel, so save the extra time by using the digital vanity mirror. It’s no ordinary mirror with the click of a button you can explore new ways to make yourself look good. But that’s not all! The Digital vanity mirror can pull hilarious pranks on your friends. Seventn grader Kaylie Capps said, “When my friends come over I would totally pull pranks on them!” Make them think its real!

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Personalized Bobble Head

B EST AND W ORST D RESSED The P.R.I.D.E. Awards took place this month, and new trends were set by many different celebrities. From jumpsuits to horse heads, we have the hottest and the not so hottest styles to keep you all updated.

Shewit Alemayehu, Erandy Flores, Sharon Manivanh

FOIL DRESS

JUMPSUIT

POOFY DRESS

Symone Golden topped the P.R.I.D.E. Awards with her stunning black dress with tin foil frills. The striped tie compliments the dress and her eyes this look was designed by Lanvon.

He was inspired by Golden’s mane and horn. Ties are now going viral.

People are wearing them everywhere. In a couple days, stores across the world started selling all kinds of ties.

Dylan Bronze was seen at the P.R.I.D.E. Awards, rocking the jumpsuit and paper boy hat. He is known because he started the new Jumpsuit Revolution.

Followed by many teens and young adults, his legacy will live on forever.

After this photo was taken, it went viral, and in a few hours later, many people were seen everywhere wearing this hot new style created by the legend, Dylan Bronze.

Skylar Bearkison was also spotted at the P.R.I.D.E. Awards, stunting on everyone with a poofy dress and fur coat, which was topped with a bandana.

Known in the fashion industry, Bearkison is always catching people’s eyes everywhere she goes in her breath taking outfits.

Inspiring many young adults. She will forever be an icon in the fashion world and she has definitely got the hottest outfit of the P.R.I.D.E. Awards.

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BANANA SUIT

PANCHO

SOTHERN BELLE

Sadly, nobody went bananas for Shewit Alamyyo’s outfit. She decided to wear a banana costume with striped pants to the awards, and nobody knew what she was thinking.

This was shocking for the world, because Alamyyo usually has the hottest outfits at the awards.

Though she still had paparazzi all around her, Alamyyo just could not have the hottest outfit at this year’s P.R.I.D.E. Awards.

Newcomer Trevor Cya who is known for never reveling his face in home games and assemblies, left the fashion world disappointed at this year’s P.R.I.D.E. Awards.

Pairing up his tacky poncho with a lavender harp and toping it off with a Batman mask. The outfit oozed with chilling mystery, making people uncomfortable.

This outfit... certainly leaving the bar high for next quarter’s fashion runway.

Kira Popcho showed up at the awards wearing an old fashioned poofy dress, a cowboy hat, and a mini white umbrella to top it all off.

Known for her old sense of fashion, Popcho never really stunned people because she always wore the same things.

Unfortunately, Popcho does not have the hottest outfit at the P.R.I.D.E. Awards, again.

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Cami Baker & Kira Kopcho Every year, a special student graces the hallways of our middle school. This year, we are blessed with the presence of a mysterious prodigy child named John Chalmers. He may have gone unnoticed for a while, but the time has come to reveal the person behind the name.

Chalmers is clearly not like the average middle school kid. He is afflicted with a rare condition called “Zelweger Kreutzfeldt-Yakob Glooming Syndrome,” the same condition that few other students have been seen with. Chalmers’ condition is extremely special though, because he has a rare mutation of the disorder that is unique to him.

“I attend school as every child my age should, because I’m highly invested in my education,” sixth grader John Chalmers remarked. “Even though I have unique features, they don’t vex me that much considering the intelligence I’ve been blessed with.”

John not only excels in school but also is an outstanding activist for species

rights. He has made many efforts to create rallies, petitions, and protests for species equality. Recently, he has been awarded a Nobel Peace Prize for his actions of species activism.

“With my endeavors to initiate the Equine Acceptance Campaign via peaceful protests and rallies, I have been considered a forward thinker,” Chalmers spoke about his achievements. “I’m also extremely young to be doing this, so that’s a marvel in itself.”

Jane Chalmers, John’s older sister who has the Syndrome as well, has also decided to participate.

“In my opinion, John is overselling the whole ‘prodigy’ thing,” said Jane, when asked about her opinion on her brother and his movements towards horse rights.

“Despite that, I respect his smarts and the fact that he has the integrity to do something like this, so I decided to join him.”

Other people afflicted with the ‘Zelweger Kreutzfeldt-Yakob Glooming

Syndrome’ have also wanted to start fighting for species rights, but have never had the courage to do so. In fact, Josef Pferdkopf has returned to the Auburn School District partly to support Chalmers’ activism in species equality.

“I was originally coming here to visit family,” Pferdkopf explained. “Once I found out that someone else with the Zelwger Kreudtzfeldt-Yakob Glooming Syndrome was going to fight for equality amongst species, I just had to join the rally.”

Many figures in the media and public have reached out to Chalmers to bring other issues to light besides species equality. In recent times, actor Nicholas Rage has teamed up with Chalmers to support the end of world hunger.

“Despite his strange appearance, that kid has got moxie.” Rage commented on his peer. “He’s committed his fair share of time working on this issue as well as other problems that plague our society.”

When John is not hosting rallies, solving world hunger, or planning extravagant dinner parties, he’s travelling back in time with the Tardis he made out of Saran Wrap and bamboo sticks. John and Jane often go back in time to help people in need. As a matter of fact, they helped the Wright brothers create the first airplanes.

“It was pretty interesting to watch history unfold,” Jane said when asked about their misadventures through time.

“Although it would have been nice to have gone twenty minutes without John prattling on about something or another.”

John Chalmers, in his short lifetime, has done many important things to help society. From holding horse rallies to going back in time, he has surely made an impact on this Earth.

“Let’s face it,” John quipped. “Without the great and powerful me, this world would go nowhere. Life on Earth would be rendered null and void without me.”

John goes throughout a typical day, changing the world and going to school like any normal student. Besides his studies, he partakes in many extracurricular activities to give back in his community. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY K KOPCHO

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Tay’s new photo shoot (left) confirms the rumors of a style change. She even got a tattoo on her neck saying “Metal is Life.” Tay ILoveCats Swift has been spotted outside a tattoo parlor (right) after she got a lip piercing and new tattoos. She has also dyed her hair a sky blue color. PHOTO ILLUSTRATIONS BY Z. BARREN.

Swifties Go Ballistic, Metal Fans Angry ZaReah Barren & Jennifer Ortiz Tay ILoveCats Swift has announced that she is going to change her music style for the second time starting on May 10. People are going wild because she started off as country, then suddenly changed to pop, and now is changing to the opposite of that, which is metal.

Why would she change over to metal?

It definitely wouldn’t be about the money because as far as we’re concerned, she sold 1.287 million copies of “1989” in her first week of releasing the album. Yes, that means she went platinum in seven days.

Another reason we believe she decided to make this change is because she

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recently broke up with her boyfriend of two weeks, Halvin Carris.

We believe that she made this change because he sang pop music, and she didn’t want to be near him in any way because of the way he broke her heart.

She has started to write a metal song about him called “Teardrops On My Electric Guitar,” saying that he is her “new inspiration.”

Swift has leaked some lyrics to her new song.

The lyrics go, “You’re the reason for the teardrops on my electric guitar. The only thing that makes me wanna break your heart.” The musician has shot down

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any rumors of the song being a remake of her country song “Teardrops On My Guitar.”

No one really knows why she would change her music style again, since she seemed so happy, and rich, singing pop songs. “[I think it might be] for shock value,” said Mrs. Rogers, seventh grade science and biology teacher.

Some people, who have been listening to Tay for a while now are still true fans, who will support her no matter what she does.

“I would still listen to her,” sixth grader Alexandra Key said.

“I think it would…be good to get some-

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thing new,” seventh grader Joshua Abbott said.

Some people are wondering if she’s going to change again, and others are going to freak out if she does.

“I’d probably flip my computer table [if she changed again],” eighth grader McKenna Webb said.

On the other hand, some people like Key thought, “it’s not really my opinion, but I don’t really care because she still makes good music.”

Now she is venturing into unknown territory, and no one truly knows what the outcome of this change will be, but we’ll certainly find out as news develops.

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Elijah Blyden, Jennifer Ortiz, Mercedes Johnson

High-Five Zone Recently a “High 5 Zone” has been set up at Mt. Baker. Students are supposed to high five each other as they pass through the marked area. Most students are seen trying their best to use their secret ninja skills to try and avoid the somewhat awkward high fives. Do you use the high five zone?

Summer Movie This summer is said to be a hot one. You can cool off at your local movie theater and see summer/ spring new movies. You will enjoy the new sequels coming out to some of your favorite movies. Many new sequels airing are, Pitch Perfect 2, Minions, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay—Part 2, and Hotel Transylvania 2. Are you excited for any of these movies?

2016 Election This year the nation is gearing up for another election season. President Obama’s chair in office has almost expired. Some talked-about candidates for this voting season are Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush. This coming election will be Nov.8, 2016. Are you interested in this coming election?

Falling Asleep in Public After a local man fell asleep in the cargo hold on an Alaska Airlines plane, people have been trying to recall any times they’ve fallen asleep in public. Have you ever fallen asleep in public?

Summer The weather is getting warmer, and the bees are buzzing again. We haven’t had much sun, but it’s coming soon. Hopefully there will be no more rain, because, “April showers bring May flowers,” and April is over.

Who’s going to enjoy the sun when school is over?

Fangirls/Fanboys Fangirls are a special kind of people. They dedicate their whole life, body, and soul to their idols. They’ll support them in any way possible, even if they do something stupid. Fangirls aren’t the only ones that exist, there are also fanboys around, but they’re almost extinct. Do you consider yourself a fangirl/fanboy?

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Kayna Kliewer & Yuliana Romo-Perez

If You Give A Mouse A Cookie Documentary:

Mr. Potato Head Robot Movie:

Rated PG

Rated PG

SYNOPSIS: This sixhour long movie describes the real science behind the effects of giving mice small large amounts of cookie pieces. As you watch you learn more and more about the precise facts that lead up to big results. This thriller of a movie will make you cringe, groan and even cry.

“I watched it with COURTESY OF WWW.DIAPERS.COM VIA CREATIVE COMMONS my grandma and although she fell asleep halfway through, she told me she loved it,” Erubus Lykorgos said.

“I found it fascinating that small rodents can disturb and entice people on only small amounts of sugar.”

Directors predict this movie will bring in up to $100 million in the box office.

“The best part about having a mouse for a main character is that you don’t have to deal with a diva,” director Biz Bone Gumpchaser said.

SYNOPSIS: You know the trilogy of Toy Story, but what Disney kept a secret has swept the nation. Mr. Potato Head had been keeping his secret for almost 30 years before it was revealed. He has been disguised as a Potato toy but that was only covering up his robot body.

He has been living under a fake identity and a fake name.

COURTESY OF WWW.FREAKINGNEWS.COM VIA CREATIVE COMMONS His robot body is more known by the name Automaton One-Eyed Bart, which was revealed at the beginning of Toy Story 3.

“I have kept this secret for 30 years of my life and I do not intend to let this go. The human race will pay for exposing me,” Bart said.

Directors were not allowed to speak on the subject, according to Bart.

WHY WATCH: This movie will bring out emotions for small ro-

WHY WATCH: You will have your friends and family screaming

dents you never cared about before this.

and you can be the brave one in the group.

RATING:

RATING:

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Disney Princess Superhero Movie:

Winnie the Pooh vs. The Smurfs Movie:

Rated PG

Rated PG

SYNOPSIS: You may be used to the regular story of a princess and a prince, but you are not prepared for this. In a world after damsels in distress and before princesses in space, the Disney Princesses team up and become superheroes to fight off evil princes and other beasts. Be prepared to see Rapunzel capture her enemies in her flowing hair, Ariel fight off menaces with a dingle hopper, and witness the horror of Snow White and her seven evil assassins.

“I was so excited to get asked to be in this movie,” Aurora D. Slayer said “A lot of my friends had been talking about it through twitter and now it was finally me! I hope everyone likes it.”

COURTESY OF WWW,POPSUGAR.COM VIA CREATIVE COMMONS On the opening weekend, the movie grossed about $5.2 million, making it the most successful movie done by its producers.

“I am happy to be standing here today. After all the stunts they made us do, I was surprised when only a few people were harmed in the making of this film,” Snow Shadowcurse White said.

SYNOPSIS: In this family movie you get to see the Smurfs once again! The Smurfs thought they were heading for the human world, but their portal was damaged and instead it took them on an adventure to never forget. They landed right in the hundredacre wood where Winnie the Pooh was preparing for battle. Now they must fight for the land they believe to be theirs. This movie will COURTESY OF WWW.FANPOP.COM AND SMURFS.WIKIA.COM VIA CREATIVE COMMONS teach you about friendship, loyalty, and determination.

“You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.” Pooh said.

WHY WATCH: Your favorite princesses will fight with each

WHY WATCH: You can bring your little sister or brother and

other just as much as against each other.

have their childhood ruined– all in one movie!

RATING:

RATING:

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Dylan Grenz & Tyler Braun The first annual Food Madness tournament begins May 8. Here, the most talented foods from all countries and continents will showcase their skills in sold out arenas, with the first games right here in the United States.

“I love the idea of the Food Madness tournament,” Barak Obamma stated. “I will definitely be rooting for team USA.” The US squad features many talented players, and many consider them to be the favorite. With star power forward Ham Burger and point guard Chicken Tenders, they have the

ability to beat any team. Team USA finished the regular season with a record of 35-1, losing only to Italy.

“I think that we have a great chance to go all the way,” power forward Hot Dog stated. “I relish the chance to play in the final.”

Veteran-led Italy are also on the lookout to win it all this year. With the number one player in the country and projected number one pick, Pizza, and sixth man of the year Lasagna, Italy is a serious contender.

“We are the best because we have a lot of chemistry and great defense,” Pizza stated.

“Hopefully it will pan out.”

Mexico was also considered to be serious contenders to win the title. While some say they may not stack up against USA very well, we all know that there can be plenty of upsets.

Mexico’s leading scorer this year was Bur Ritos, who averaged 22 points per game.

Speaking of upsets, because there always seems to be some, you may have noticed that we have Antarctica going all the way to the

PHOTOS COURTESY OF GOOGLE IMAGES

Tyler Braun & Arturo Martinez-Reyes

The first food we are profiling is Chicken Tenders. This 6-foot-one, 192 pound point guard from the US is one of the leading scorers in the entire league. The US coach Eugene Caldwell had a few words to say about the player., “I mean, he’s no chicken when it comes to basketball, he’s a mean, tough, piece of food out there.”

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Despite looking small, Churro, small forward for Columbia is 6 foot-three and 212 pounds. He averages 21.5 PPG, and is fiery out there on the court. He is definitely a huge prospect in the FBL (Food Basketball League). “His gooey filling provides an unusual advantage,” said coach Connor Columbia. *

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MEAT THE FOOD

Final Four. While this may be a bit of a long shot, we believe they can do it. The Arcs are led by freshman phenom Penguin, and if he plays well we believe they can take down Bratwurst-led Germany and Croissant-led France.

Be on the lookout for the upset alert.

When school bracketologist Paul G. Fisher was asked who he thought could be on upset alert, he had a much different prediction.

“I believe Australia can hang with Mexico,” he stated. “With players such as Lamington (an Australian sponge cake), they can put up some big numbers.”

Fisher also had Italy, rather than USA, winning the tourney.

“If you have been watching as many games as I have, you know how dominant Pizza has been. I don’t think anyone can stop him. Also, players such as Pasta and Lasagna have really been stepping up.”

The much anticipated tourney will begin May 8 in Los Angeles, California, when team USA will face off against upset minded Africa on BCB. The game sold out just minutes after the tickets were released last month.

With the Food Madness tourney starting on May 8, players such as Chicken Tenders look to take down the competition. While Italy, with their star point guard Pizza, may pose the biggest threat, we still expect USA to take this tourney. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION CREATED ON PIKTOCHART.COM

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Tyler Braun & Ty Emmons

After asking Pizza, starting point guard for Italy about the tournament he stated, “I hope the refs don’t get too cheesy out there.” We also asked if he thought he would get MVP and he stated, “Cheesus man, of course. I’m just the best there is plain and simple.” We also asked if he thought Italy would win the tournament and he stated “Of course we are, we’re the best and always will be.”

We asked Penguin, starting center for Antarctica the same questions and he responded with “the refs better not try to get too slick.” Also stating afterwards that “I don’t think I’ll get MVP, because I’m a team player, and it’s not all about me, I want to get better.” After being questioned if his team would win the tournament, Penguin said, “Of course we aren’t, but we’ll fight and we’ll definitely get better as we go through.”

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Thomas “The Turtle” Nelson ready for a challenging Madden season. He’s waiting outside his friend’s house to play some intense Madden, before the NFL draft. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY A. MARTINEZ-REYES

Arturo Martinez-Reyes & Ty Emmons Eighth grader Thomas “The Turtle” Nelson, decided to skip high school and join the 2015 NFL draft, after becoming a legend in the popular football videogame, Madden NFL 15.

It was shocking when he decided to reject his scholarship opportunities from Cornish College of the Arts (WA).

Which was even nominated for ESPN’s not top 10 colleges.

A potential team that would like to request his services are the New Jersey Gants. Their star wide receiver Ollie Bafer Jr. was recently paralyzed when Kameron Cancler ripped the ball and violently threw him against another player. Ironically there was no penalty

on that play, but Bafer Jr.’s career is over, disappointing many fans.

Another team that would like Nelson, are the Old England Deflatriots. Most of their offensive line is getting old, so they feel like they have to reinforce it with young Madden ‘legends’. Nelson’s body type makes him a great prospect for the offensive line. There are currently no official offers but this team looks very interested.

Most experts say that he will most likely end up playing with the Tampa Ocean Pirates. They are recently looking for a quarterback that can actually play to win games. There is a chance that he can be starter and Markos Mareota as

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the second string quarterback. Mareota has no comments on this, but he is certainly not happy with this idea.

Last but not least are the FortyWhiners in the list of teams that would like to draft “The Turtle” for the next upcoming draft. Lately their starting running back, Frankenstein Gorilla left them, leaving a huge hole many experts think he could fill.

“The Turtle” would make a great addition to the Whiners because he could fit through tiny holes. His weight difference makes him more agile, but easier to tackle, resulting in him being a distraction.

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have been achieved playing the game Madden. Although he doesn’t have any experience actually playing the game, he feels that he has learned and developed the mental and physical aspects of football.

He recently retired from his select soccer team, claiming he was too “good” for that team. He believes he needs a challenge.

There is still nothing confirmed about his future. All we can say is that there’s no turning back. Schools will no longer accept him, so have fun working at McDonalds.

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Lazy People

Story Behind It All

Create New Triathlon

Jenn Bell & Katelyn Andersen

Katelyn Andersen & Jenn Bell

As a new year has come around, the whole of Mt. Baker Middle School has decided it is time to retire the dull old mascot and bring in a colorful new mascot that will bring light to these shadowed halls.

Introducing our brand-new, fresh-out-of-the-bag mascot, Darthoas Silver Hooves the Unicorn V. Now including new school colors, super pink, orchid and sparkles.

“I 100% support this decision because unicorns are amazing… and 1000 times better than bulldogs,” said Connor Pennycook, after hearing about the most fantastical mascot change in history.

The new mascot was created by the underground United Unicorn Nation, a union finally coming out of the shadows to create a memorable impact.

In anticipation members have been making new school athletic uniforms and spirit wear, all in pink, purple and glitter.

“Yes [I would buy a] unicorn horn,” Emma Hon said about the new spirit wear.

The supporters created sweatshirts, crewnecks, capes and unicorn horns for the new spirit wear. The UUN is however somewhat concerned for the athletes, and the fans, reaction to the uniforms.

“I [would] think that they were crazy and that our school will be a lot better [if the other team

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In a changing world, a new competitive sport for lazy people rises up from the depths of the Earth.

With this new age of texting and social media, there has been a new triathlon invented so that kids will become less active. The new events are pedometer steps, competitive texting, and ‘perfect’ shopping. Along with this triathlon, you earn points, the less points the better.

With using the pedometer, you are limited to the amount of steps you can take per two hours if you can take less than 100 steps, you get 1 point, less than 200, 5 and any more than 500, you get 10 points.

Now, if you are crazy and take no steps in the two hour time, then you can even earn negative points to lessen you score to the maximum.

“This will be so fun! I will be doing something for myself for once,” Ryan Goosling said during our interview.

With competitive texting, you are needed to type exactly 200 letters for an entire conversation with someone you don’t know. With the slight chance you can actually get the exact letter count, you get -5 points.

“This sounds so cool, I can type my name on a blank space!” Tyler Swift said.

If you are within 5 letters of 200, you get 2 points, more or less than 15, 5 points, within 30, 11 points and any more than that you instantly get 25 points. Now the catch with texting, is that you ONLY can use abbreviated words.

Last, but not least, is “perfect” shopping. You get $57.78 and you must find the ugliest outfit you can find. Then, you must wear it in public and catch at least 5 people taking pictures of you.

The uglier the better. If you catch more than 5 people taking a picture, you get -1 point per person. This is the hardest competition because for each extra cent you have left over, you get 1 point.

With the slight chance that you will get around 0 points, you will probably win the competition. The prize is... a gold toilet plunger! Congratulations!

wore pink and purple uniforms],” seventh grader Isabell Kim said.

The staff and administrators of Mt Baker Middle School approved the change on May 2.

Though the UUN was concerned about students not liking this idea, many don’t just like it, they love it!

“I like unicorns so, it is so much better [than the bulldog],” said Nathan Brown-Miller about being a total fan of this new change. “Because unicorns are awesome.”

Some students have approved this change, not only because they are tired of the bulldog, but they agree that Darthoas is so much better.

“I do because [like this better] because I think it just brings more fun [and] it’s less boring,” Hon said.

The UUN has decided to pay for a new mural in the gym and painting the halls school colors, the pink and purple, with glitterized ceilings. Students have greeted this change with sparkle in their hearts, they are even lining up in the halls to be the unicorn, “I will not miss the bulldog but I will totally be the unicorn,” said Kim. With the unicorn position filled by an anonymous gymnast, the UUN has had to turn down these students. At the next pep assembly be at watch, the unicorns are coming!

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If you have nothing better to do, this new triathlon might just be for you. You can be lazy and get a ‘workout at the same time in a competitive setting. COURTESY OF COMMONS.WEKIMEDIA.ORG VIA CREATIVE COMMONS

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Skittles vs. M&M’s Linche Leaves Skittles Hailey Cruz & Brianna Lloyd

Seahorse running back Marsean Linche has been part of the Skittles family for many years, but just recently Skittles stopped making Linche’s favorite flavor, the red strawberry. Linche was furious. That same week he was fined for not talking to the press.

“Nobody knew that I was going through the emotional trauma of not having my favorite skittle,” Linche said.

As a young boy, Linche began his love of Skittles when his mom would bring him “power pellets” also known as Skittles to his football games.

“They’re going to make you run faster and they’re going to make you play good,” Linche’s mom would say to him.

After Superbowl XLIX, Linche started to doubt the power of Skittles in his body during games and even practices. He requested to be removed from his contract with Skittles.

The wish came to a shock to everybody in the Skittles industry.

“We tried for months to get Marsean to change his mind about removal but nothing worked,” CEO of Skittles said.

When word got out that Linche was not with Skittles any longer, many other companies came running to him. The company that caught Linche’s eye the most was M&M’s.

“They caught my eye because they are colorful like Skittles but have a completely different company also offered me the most money,” Linche says.

Marsean has been eating and training with M&M’s for about a month and has been loving the energy he gets from eating them.

“I have really noticed a change in Marsean’s attitude and aggressiveness on the field. He is running faster and hitting stronger,” Coach Peter Corral said.

Linche and the M&M’s crew are coming to an agreement for his permanent contract with the company.

“I am happier now than I ever was while in the industry of Skittles,” Linche said.

Hunter Allemand &Trevor Little

Seattle Seahorses head coach, Peter Corral has left his position and gone to coach and be another home economics teacher here at MBMS. Taking over Corral’s position is new head coach John Chalmers Sr. “I’m very excited for this opportunity,” Chalmers said.

With Corral leaving, many players are leaving the team as well. One of the biggest losses is star running back Morgin Freemin.

“I’m upset that coach Corral left,” Freemin said.

“But I’m glad he found something he enjoys.”

Lately Corral has been hard at work for next year.

He has been knitting, cooking, and putting together a good football team for our school.

“Knitting is probably the toughest thing I’ve done yet,” Corral said. “So teaching it will be harder” Corral’s wife has been very supportive in his new career choice. One of the biggest things she’s looking forward to is having him cook in the house. She is also very excited to be able to have more time with corral now that he doesn’t work as long of hours and doesn’t have to go out of state for his job.

Corral’s sons Brenon and Nafen were upset that their father decided to make the choice to leave the

Seahorses. Brenon was especially upset because he just earned a spot on the Seahorses coaching staff as an assistant offensive lineman coach.

“I don’t understand why he would choose to desert me like that,” Brenon said.

Believe or not, Corral had to make a VERY tough decision in leaving the Seahorses after they had won their first Fish Bowl against the Denver Clownfish.

Another reason Corral has left the team is because of all of the hate from the fans over the name change that happened the previous season.

“The hate from all the fans was just too much for me to handle, so I had to make the difficult choice of leaving the team and going to MBMS,” Corral stated.

One lesson that Corral loves to teach are his cooking lessons in his home ec. class. One of the lessons consists of learning how to make his famous dish, Fish Pancakes. His students enjoy making this dish the most because it is really fishy and has a delectable texture.

Corral is really excited for his new position as head coach, and home ec. teacher and hopes for lots of success.

“I hope I will be here for many years to come,” Corral said.

PHOTO COURTESY OF H.CRUZ

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For the April Fool’s edition, the Canine Chronicle wanted to express students opinions in a more peculiar way with a series of “Would You Rather”. These questions involve modern trends, popular news, and of course, Mt. Baker Middle School. A girl and a boy from each grade level was randomly chosen. Sixth graders are Sean McLaughlin and Jordan Holcomb. Seventh graders are Erik Andres and Evelin Gamboa, and from eight grade, Viktoriya Yakimchuk and Cody Lawson.

Isaiah Shin & Dylan Molina …Have the Mt. Baker Bulldog mascot in all of your classes for a school year or have Thursday school every week?

SM: The mascot, because I like distractions in class.

JH: Thursday school so we can learn in class.

EA: Mascot, because I don’t like Thursday school.

EG: The mascot, because I don’t like Thursday school.

VY: The mascot, because it’s whatever.

CL: Mascot, because I don’t want Thursday School.

SM: Play for the Seahawks.

JH: 49ers, because I have to get paid for something.

EA: 49ers, because you actually get something.

EG: The Seahawks.

VY: Seahawks,, because I live here.

CL: Seahawks,, because the Seahawks are the best.

EG: Dance, because the locker room probably stinks.

VY: The locker room, because I hate the dance CL: The dance, because the locker room smells nasty.

…Use or phone during school for a month, or get off of school a week early?

SM: Use my phone, because I want to see my friends at school. …Be stuck in the high 5 zone for a school year or JH: Get off school early so that we don’t have hometest every day for the rest of the year? work.

SM: High 5 Zone, because I would just be a statue and EA: Use your phone, because it is more fun. …Have Mr. Knighton with Mr. Johnson’s hair, or have stand.

EG: Get off school, because I leave my phone at home.

JH: The High 5 Zone, because I wouldn’t learn from Mr. Johnson with Mr. Knighton’s hair? testing.

VY: Get off school, because you can use your phone SM: Mr. Knighton with Mr. Johnson’s hair, because Mr. EA: Testing, because I don’t want to stand there and high everyday.

Johnson would look creepy.

-five people.

CL: Get off school a week early, because I don’t have a JH: Mr. Johnson with Mr. Knighton’s hair, because it phone.

EG: High 5 Zone, because I don’t like tests. could be funny, and even look cool.

VY: Testing, because you would get smarter.

EA: Mr. Knighton with Mr. Johnson’s hair. …Have new draft of teachers or new bathrooms?

CL: High 5 Zone, because I don’t like tests EG: Mr. Knighton with Mr. Johnson’s hair.

SM: New bathrooms, because I like my teachers.

VY: Mr. Knighton with Mr. Johnson’s hair, because seeing …Be stuck in the Mt. Baker Valentine’s Dance forev- JH: New teachers, because you can learn in new ways.

Mr. Johnson bald would be scary. er or the boys locker room during football season? EA: New bathrooms, because [the] teachers are fine.

CL: Mr. Knighton with Mr. Johnson’s hair.

EG: New bathrooms, because I would not want to meet SM: The dance, because I would stand in the corner. the new teachers.

JH: The Valentine’s Dance, because the locker room is ...Play for the Seattle Seahawks with no pay each VY: New bathrooms, because we have good teachers. too smelly. year, or play with the San Francisco 49ers with CL: New bathrooms, because ours are nasty.

EA: The locker room. guaranteed $250,000 contract each year? …Have Mr. Perman take Zain’s spot in One Direction, or have Ice Cube as your PE teacher?

SM: I would like Mr. Perman in Zain’s spot.

JH: Ice Cube, because it might be funny.

EA: Ice Cube, because he’s cool.

EG: Ice Cube, because one direction wouldn't do good.

VY: Ice Cube, because he is awesome.

CL: Mr. Perman [in One Direction], because he’s funny. …Have 10 hours of homework every night, or have school extended 8 hours?

SM: School extended so I can get more class time.

JH: Homework, because we would get out too late.

EA: School extended, because it’s less homework.

EG: School extended, because I don’t do my homework.

VY: 10 hours of homework , because homework is portable.

CL: School extended, because I don’t like homework.

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY I. SHIN VIA PHO.TO

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COURTESY OF D. KNIGHTON

Symone Bolden & Skylar Erickson

Before David Knighton was a teacher, he had kind of an abnormal life. His main career path was to become a star on Broadway and an Olympic level tennis player.

Even though he is now pursuing his career as a math teacher, he once had a dream. But after his near-death experience as a lounge singer on the Prince Cruise Line, he had to go through 13 grueling months of physical therapy to restore the full function of his

left pollex (the thumb on a hand).

While singing “Thriller” by Michael Jackson, the crowd went wild for him because of his graceful dancing and angelic voice. He was so ecstatic for their cheering that he jumped out onto the crowd trying to surf.

But as he was soaring as a bird would, he came down to the ground faster than you can say “Thriller”.

As he sat there holding his thumb weeping,

the ships hospital staff rushed him out to land. He was nurtured as if he was a newborn baby during his excruciating pain. As he was in the hospital the doctors told him he would never be able to sing in public again.

Due to his career-ending fractured pollex, he was devastated to find out that his position on the cruise had already been replaced.

After this near-death experience, he could

This mystery teacher has a twin brother and has at Baker was an honors reading class. He has also taught over 6,300 students here at Mount Baker. been to Hawaii over 25 times.

While in middle school he met the love of his life, Stay tuned for the next edition to see who this mysand married her nearly 10 years later at the age of tery teacher is!

19. His first ever car was a Mustang, and his first job

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Kira Kopcho Aquarius (January 20-February 18) You might be considered odd by some people, but let your freak flag fly. The haters are just jealous.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) You will develop a strange obsession with fish puns and Betty Crocker. How quaint.

Aries (March 21- April 19) Listen to what the frogs are telling you and get out and adventure. You’ll thank me later.

Taurus (April 20- May 20) Your crazy obsession with role-playing and Pokemon has no chill, but don’t worry, you’re not alone.

Gemini (May 21- June 20) Whatever they tell you, don’t eat the honey. Trust me on this one.

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY T. LITTLE

never find the courage to sing his beloved MJ songs ever again. He even disposed of his favorite red leather jacket into the trash, never to see it again.

This injury didn’t just effect his singing and dancing skills, it affected his tennis playing skills as well. Then he was kicked off the varsity team at Tyee High School, but still got to keep the scholarship to Highline Community College.

After two years of difficulties because of his injuries, Knighton transferred to the University of Washington. They still wouldn’t let him play tennis or sing.

In frustration, he threw snowballs off the top of the dormitory until he saw the blue blazers coming. The only reason that he never was caught, was because his spider senses could tell when they were running to the top of the dorms.

It was the same men who had organized the concert on the Cruise line that made him fracture his bone. He was so upset that he threw a bowling ball off the dormitory to see if they would be startled.

After that, the pains in his pollex worsened and never healed until his long days of physical therapy.

Even now, Knighton still has pains in his pollex which sadly limits him to singing and dancing in the shower, as well as in class while he teaches linear functions.

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Cancer (June 21- July 22) You are a great leader of your friends, but most of them don’t listen to you. Contain your rage please.

Leo (July 23- August 22) Go easy on the ‘shipping’ of characters no matter how appealing it seems. Obsession can be dangerous, and you might start to head down that path.

Virgo (August 23- September 22) You are the most stylish of your friends, but people shouldn’t mess with you. Keep being fiercely fabulous.

Libra (September 23- October 22) You might develop an obsession with justice and law, ace attorney. Make sure you don’t wrongly accuse someone though.

Scorpio (October 23- November 21) Use your mind to your advantage but don’t abuse it. You might lose some potential friends if you decide to take advantage of people.

Sagittarius (November 22- December 21) You are a very strong person, in fact you are as strong as a horse. Take pride in this strength, but don’t take it for granted.

Capricorn (December 21- January 19) Your collection of bicycle horns and empty soda bottles never ceases to amaze people. Keep those weird hobbies, no matter what people say.

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WHAT REALLY

Disagree? The segment ‘What Grinds My Gears’ is presented as opinion and does not express the views of all MBMS students or The Canine Chronicle. If you would like to express your opinion, write us a letter, and you may be published in our next edition.

MY Dylan Grenz, Jenn Bell, Hailey Cruz, Tyler Braun, Sharon Manivanh, ZaReah Barren, Jennifer Ortiz, Dylan Molina

Blaming Obama

Aquariums

You know what grinds my gears? Those people who blame Obama for absolutely everything.

Didn’t get an A on your test? Thanks, Obama.

Didn’t get a pudding cup in your lunch? Thanks, Obama. Didn’t win your race at the track meet?

Thanks, Obama.

YOU. NEED. TO. STOP. PLEASE. This is the most annoying thing in the world, and I hear it on a daily basis. I honestly don’t see how it is considered funny.

My main problem is the logic. How in the world does our president relate to those things?

It’s not like Obama makes your lunch or rigs your test. Yet obviously, those of you who say this, think he does.

Oh yes, I remember now. The U.S. government said he was taking a day off to make your lunch.

Then after that, he is going to his middle school track meet to beat you. It’s not like he has a country to run or anything.

Please, please, pleeeease just stop saying “Thanks, Obama” and the world will become a better place. And if you hear someone say it, calmly hi-five them. In the face. With a chair.

And that’s what grinds my gears.

You know what grinds my gears? People eating seafood.

A couple of times when I’ve been down to Oregon and seen the aquariums, I have seen absolute horrors. There was a group of people just watching the fish … AS THEY ATE ONE! Am I the ONLY PERSON that sees SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT? I mean COME ON! How cruel can you be? You might be eating its COUSIN! Sure, the fish don’t realize, but you robbed a baby fish of its parent.

WARNING- This may haunt you for the rest of your life.

And clearly the major population doesn’t realize how cruel this is to swimmers. Michael Phelps swims so well that people say that he’s half porpoise… You could be eating an OLYMPIAN’S UNCLE!!!! Not to mention most swimmers have the nickname of Fish or Dolphin, but would you ever eat a swimmer?!

HINT: If you have ever thought of eating a swimmer that is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies.

Please, I am begging here, stop these atrocities that haunt aquariums all over the globe. To help these innocent beasts type in www.jointhisstupidcause.org/ ; ). If you really care, call now using the number on your forehead and donate onion rings to these griefstricken creatures.

—Jenn Bell

—Dylan Grenz

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Texts: No Response What grinds my gears? When people read your messages or texts, but DO NOT RESPOND! If you know that you aren’t going to answer my message then don’t open it!

What if I wanted to ask you a very important question after that “hi”?

What if the question was, well it doesn’t matter now because my last text WASN’T ANSWERED! If Steven Speilberg, Taylor Swift, Obama, or your MOTHER sent you a text, you would answer them right away, wouldn’t you?

Well, why am I any different? I may not be the president or a pop singer, but I have feelings too!

I can clearly see that you have read my message, if anything, if you didn’t want to answer, please just for me, DELETE THE CONVERSATION. I would much rather see that it’s been delivered forever than see that it has been read for 30 minutes.

I’m not stupid. At least you could have typed two or three simple little letters, but you didn’t.

COME ON NOW! WHY? If your going to read my message, answer it! That would make my day.

Please do not grind my gears.

—Hailey Cruz

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Bread Heels You know what really grinds my gears? The heel of the bread.

This disgusting, vile, awful combination of wheat and grain is a disgrace to the world.

Not only is this gross, but it is ugly. Who wants to eat something ugly? I mean, the heel of the bread is uglier than Britney Spears in her fat days.

Plus, the taste is just terrible. There’s really no way to describe the taste except for it tastes like the inside of a trash can.

Here’s a scenario, I get home from school and I’m hungry, so I decide to make a sandwich.

I then look into the pantry and BAM! Only the heels of the bread are left. Then I feel very upset, I walk upstairs to my room, lay face-down on my bed, and cry. I do understand that some people may enjoy this foul food, but at the same time, I wonder if they’re just crazy.

If you are suffering from obsessive heel-crust disease, come talk to me at any time and we can help solve your problem. Join the no-heel movement, it could be a beautiful world. And that’s what grinds my gears.

—Tyler Braun ____________________________________

because 1 week seems like too little for me, hopefully not just me.

Homework is a way of reminding us of school, so please just stop, we don’t want to think when we don’t have to. Let us children have some days to live in peace.

Now, I know I’m not the only one who thinks this because I saw a song online, and I would like to —Sharon Manivanh share it with the world. .____________________________________ Ahem: ”On the fifth day of Christmas my teachers gave to me 5 massive essays, 4 surprise quizHorror Film Characters zes, 3 hours of homework, 2 weeks of crying, and You know a month of anxiety.” what seriously See what homework does to kids? It gives them grinds my anxiety! gears? Stupid We need absolutely no homework, no extra credpeople in it assignments, no anything that has anything to do horror movwith school. We children have fragile souls, we ies. can’t bare to even look at school on a break, or It’s like, Oh. else, we will break. And that’s what grinds my My. Gosh. Chick how stupid can you be?!

Most normal people, if they heard a noise coming gears. from an abandoned cellar that was boarded up, —Jennifer Ortiz would naturally scream like a baby and run in ____________________________________ terror.

But no. That’s too much to ask in horror movies.

You always have that one person who’s like “I’m Filled Donuts a boss” and “I’m not scared”, and “There’s a perDo you know what fectly reasonable explanation to this.” Well guess grinds my gears? what idiot, there is NO reasonable explanation, Donuts with cream except for the fact you’re going to die, and it’s not inside! Like what going to be pretty. But do you know the thing that kind of evil person drives me crazy? thought of this?!

Eye Liner When the person being chased decides to fall How many poor, Do you know what down or trip over their own feet, apparently that innocent, donuts do you think were passed up by really grinds my means you can’t walk anymore and you have to people and severely stabbed to check for the gears? When crawl and look over your shoulder to see Jason extremely poisonous goo, that’s just waiting to girls ATTEMPT to coming towards you and trying to kill you. explode out of the donut? I don’t think I’m the only do winged eyelinYou deserve it if you fall and decide to slow one who cringes when seeing a perfect, chocolateer. crawl across the ground while a mass murderer is sprinkled donut with a massive crater on the side It’s so annoying behind you. Seriously though do you have a death of it with the cream oozing out. and gross when I wish? Because I think you do. That’s what grinds Oh yes, this is the typical “Let me poke my see someone’s my gears. germy, infected, booger-sprinkled having finger eyeliner all the into every full circle donut to check for the infaway up to your eyebrows. But don’t even get me mous cream!” I do admit of doing it once or twice —ZaReah Barren started with the eyebrows- which is just as bad.

FOR MY OWN HEALTH (as recommended by my Anyways, if you are trying to wing your eyeliner, _____________________________________ doctor), but come on people! please don’t be so dramatic with it. This is school, You should already know to never ever trust the not a fashion show. It literally looks like your eyes Homework During Break circular donuts! So the moral of the story is to are going to fly off of your face with wings like Do you know what help me stop this poisonous cream that people that. really grinds my stuff into, what they still have the audacity to call a Just do a simple, light look and not look like the gears? When “don’t”. freaking black swan or a raccoon. teachers give you As a lifetime donut lover, this easily goes down I do not see the point of putting so much on when 5 million kabillion as the worst donut invention in donut history it will all probably wash off from Washington’s pages of home(Passing the invention of bacon on donuts). rainy weather, and then your face will be covered work over break. in eyeliner, and I will be even more disgusted than Really now?

I already was before.

Break is called break for a reason; to get away —Dylan Molina Giving yourself crazy wings is totally not cute. from school for at LEAST a week, hopefully more

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You are just making yourself look like an idiot that doesn’t know what they’re doing to their face like EW. Don’t talk to me if you have crazy makeup, please. It will make me feel physically sick, and I will wipe it off of your face.

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