The Canine Chronicle MBMS May 2014

chr[ [t h e canine ]

mount baker middle school, auburn, washington

Best Fake Coverage in Auburn

]nicle may 2014

volume IV, issue 4

inside this issue:

PHOTO BY E. MILES

Teacher Feature

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DC Trip

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‘Divergent’ Review

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Mariners Start Fast, Struggle

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‘Music Man, Jr.’ Review

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HUMOR EDITION

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Pferdkopf Twins Succeed

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Lost Plane Crash Investigation

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Before They Were Teachers

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Locker to Narnia Found

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Selfies Cause Paralysis

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20 for 20: MBMS Legends

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20 for 20: Knitting Team

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Arts & Entertainment

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What Grinds My Gears

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COVER PHOTO: In this humorously edited photo illustration, newly-signed running back Morgin Freemin motivates his teammates with his eloquent, dramatic narration at Seahorse practice.

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY B. MCGRAW

MT. BAKER MIDDLE SCHOOL 620 37TH STREET SE AUBURN, WASHINGTON 98002

staff Editors

Hope Addison Aaron Baker Hailey Bragg Alyssa Ferry Jalen Forward Ryan Hess

The end of the school year is quickly approaching and the end of the dreaded MSP testing has marked an important milestone in the beginning of summer.

While The Canine Chronicle neglected to publish an April edition, we hope to combine timely news from the months of April and May to make up for said negligence. Thus, topics such as the recent eighth grade DC trip, a review on the recent school play, and other topics relevant to April will be prevalent.

That being said, other topics relevant to May will be reported on, including but not limited to features concerning MSP testing and a preview of the Seattle Mariner’s season.

Furthermore, while we are quite aware that it is May, we have collectively decided to continue the tradition of publishing an edition in the image of April Fool’s day.

Thus, over half of this edition will be full of fake news.

The Canine Chronicle has also decided to include a plastic eye-patch with the likeness of martial arts and

Reporters

Reporters

Technical Support

Destany Abellera Jasmine Dang Maddie Feeney Miranda Fernandez Daelyn Haws Kamalvir Jhajj Byron Kidder Evelin Laris Brandon Lockhart Gobindroop Mann Anna Maracich

Harrison Maurus Brenden McGraw Emily Miles Kenny Miller Zulma Morales Conner Pitlick Colby Pretz Katie Ruppert Isaiah Thissel Jaimie Vital Tashana Williams

Aaron Cowan Jay Kemp Vicki Reifert

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mission: The MBMS Journalism 8 class produced this limited-voice newspaper with intent to ethically report events accurately, without bias. As a public forum for students, all decisions made on content are made under the guidance of the adviser, with intent to uphold students’ First Amendment rights.

The opinions presented in articles are provided to represent the views and perspectives of students and individuals in our diverse student population, not necessarily the whole of the adviser, faculty, and administrators. Any material that would cause a disruption to the educational process like libel, invasion of privacy, or copyright infringement will not be published.

The Canine Chronicle is produced using Microsoft Publisher. Photographs not taken by students have been utilized through a Creative Commons and Microsoft license.

School portraits are licensed though Dorian Photography.

Adviser Peter Warring

table of contents

internet phenomenon Chuck Norris in this edition for you, our readers. The Canine Chronicle staff would like for you to take this token and take a picture with it and submit your picture to The Canine Chronicle. Some of these pictures may be included in the next edition, and will be printed for all to see.

We hope that everyone is confident in their testing scores, and wishes to remind you that summer is closer than it may seem.

In the tradition of springtime sports, we will also be publishing an extensive analysis of the Mariner’s season.

Seattle sports team fans can only hope that the Mariner’s will have as much luck as the Seahawks did and make it to the World Series.

This is our second to last edition, and we hope that you take advantage of the end of the school year and pack as much fun as you can into it before summer.

DISCLAIMER: This edition is meant to primarily focus humorous satire of current events and school issues. Consider all material after page 12 a work of fiction.

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Daelyn Haws & Tashana Williams

It’s that time of year again as our school prepares to test our thinking skills on the MSP and EOC’s. All grades will be taking the Reading and Math MSPs, but the seventh grade will take the Writing MSP and eighth grade will take the Science MSP. Algebra and Geometry students will take the EOC, or End-OfCourse Exam.

Many students are dedicated to earning good grades on standardized tests because they want their grades to reflect well on their reputation in the future. “[Testing is important because] the school and teachers know our abilities and know what to teach us,” eighth grade Geometry student Jonathan Tran said.

Seventh and eighth grade language arts teacher Mrs. Carstens does think that standardized tests are beneficial to student learning and success, but she has another opinion as well.

“It’s important for students to show what they know, but I think the amount of tests are too much,” Carstens said.

This seems to be true considering that we take many tests that go to the state government, including the MSP, MAPS, EOC, CBA, and the district writing assessments. Although these may seem like a lot, they are made to enhance our learning by helping us work on weaker skills.

Standardized tests like the MSP can also be very stressful to students, especially if they are worried about their score.

“During testing I feel sometimes nervous [but] after testing I feel either good like I passed the test or the opposite,” seventh grader Symone Bolden said.

Even though many of the students at Mt. Baker are honest about tests that are as important such as the MSP, there is always a possibility that someone might cheat. “[I haven’t caught anyone cheating] yet, but I sit in the front of the room and watch [students’] eyes to make sure they are not wandering. I also remind them to keep their eyes on their own test,” algebra teacher Mr. Knighton said.

Many teachers know how stressful these tests are so they try to plan lessons that aren’t too difficult for students. Students’ brains after testing are “fried”, as many teachers tend to say. Mr. Knighton said that he tried to plan games like Jeopardy or scavenger hunts; games that will still help students learn, but do not require taking notes or doing homework.

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Even though most students don’t know what to expect on the standardized tests, it is still helpful to review some of the topics you’ve covered in class.

According to the Auburn Reporter, “Auburn schools achieved increases in reading and literacy across grade levels, which includes testing in grades 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 10. Scores not only improved over last year but also soared above the state average—in some cases by more than 25 percent.”

Testing Schedule MSP

April 29-May7

MAP EOC MAP 2 OH

May 25-June 11 June 3-5 June 10 June 11

Math, Reading, Writing, Science Math, Reading Algebra, Geometry Algebra, Geometry Orlean Hannah Math Alg., Geo. Readiness

Grades 6-8 Grades 6-8 Grades 7-8 Grades 7-8 Grades 6-7

This is one of the packets used to prepare students for testing. There is usually one packet for each test. PHOTO BY D. HAWS AND T. WILLIAMS

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What do your teachers have to say about important issues...other stuff?

Jalen Forward & Hailey Bragg

If instead of clothing you had thick fur, which type of animal fur would you want it to be?

Mrs. Carstens (CC): Bird feathers.

Mr. Char (JAC): Ewok.

Mr. Carter (JC): I would want the water repellant, thick fur of a South American Albino Grizzly Bear.

If you were Obama what would your favorite song be?

CC: Neil Diamond “Forever In Blue Jeans”.

JAC: “Let It Go”.

JC: My favorite song would be “The Pretender” by Jackson Browne.

If your feet had to turn into tiny versions of an animal, which animal would you choose?

CC: Platypus.

JAC: Gecko, for its wall climbing abilities.

JC: I would choose penguin feet and strut my bad self down the halls.

What was your favorite hairstyle when you were a kid?

CC: Split down the middle and feathered, DON’T LAUGH! It rocked.

JAC: Mullet.

JC: I had a beautiful flowing mullet well into junior high.

If you could be any mystical creature what would you be?

CC: Liger.

JAC: Kracken.

JC: I am not sure about “Mystical” creatures unless unicorns, Care Bears, Bigfoot, and Lochness. I would be Nessie.

If you could make your own school what would it be called?

CC: School of High Maintenance.

JAC: School of Rock.

JC: My school would be called “YMAYWBA Institute of Learning” (You Mess Around, You Won’t Be Around).

If you had to eat a live animal what would you eat?

CC: Chicken.

JAC: Komodo dragon.

JC: Oysters. #done.

What mythical creature would you choose to have?

CC: Unicorn, no they poop too much. A Dragon.

JAC: Kraken, so I could shout “release the Kraken” when I got mad.

JC: A Mormo, a vampiric creature who bit bad children.

What Divergent factor would you be in?

CC: Erudite.

JAC: ?

JC: Erudite (The Intelligent).

If a penguin walked through your door with a sombrero what would it say and why is it here?

CC: It would say, “Ohio Gaziumus! Hello my name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!”

JAC: It would say, “Release the Kraken, por favor!”, “wait, why am I here?”

JC: “Howdy Partners! Did I miss the Wild West?”

The Sombrero was a souvenir from his stops in Central America.

What is your spirit animal?

CC: Crow.

JAC: Kraken.

JC: Red Tail Hawk.

Which song describes your mood at the begging/end of the day?

CC: Sarah Bareilles “Brave”.

JAC: “Help!” by Lennon/McCartney.

JC: Beginning “This Little Light of Mine” – Addison Road, End “Stay” - Jackson Browne.

PHOTO BY J. FORWARD & H. ADDISON

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May

Locker Lottery was created as a way to feature students’ opinions at MBMS. They are selected completely at random, like the lottery. Two students were interviewed from each grade, one boy and one girl for Locker Lottery. The sixth graders were Drew Bates and Angela Aganus.

The seventh graders were Peyton Scheschy and Talia Samelson. The eighth graders are Benjamin Geisen and Megan Child.

Locker Lottery Maddie Feeney, Jaimie Vital, Zulma Morales What do you think happened to the missing plane?

AA: [It’s] really sad because their families expect them [to be home].

TS: I think it went somewhere it’s not supposed to go to.

BG: Aliens took it.

MC: I think it was a terrorist attack.

What was your opinion of the play’s kiss?

DB: They did it well, but it’s not much of a big deal.

PS: I don’t know, funny.

TS: A lot of people overreacted. They were like, “you’re dating”.

How do you feel about Divergent being turned into a movie?

DB: Since I’ve read the entire series before the movie came out, I feel really happy about it.

PS: I never read the book, so I don’t know.

TS: I loved the book and it’s good that Divergent got turned into a movie because I want it to get as much popularity as The Hunger Games.

MC: The movie was disappointing. I think it should have been better.

PS: Funny and cute.

TS: To be loyal, to be fun around you, and to make you feel comfortable.

How do you celebrate Easter?

DB: [I] don’t do much, my aunt sends us cards AA: [I] spend time with family, celebrate Grandma’s birthday.

TS: I go to church with my family, and then we head to our grandparents to have a big meal.

MC: My family opens baskets and afterwards we just sleep for the rest of the day.

Who is your celebrity crush?

DB: Jennifer Lawrence.

AA: J Trainum.

PS: Ariana Grande.

BG: Emma Watson.

Who is your favorite artist?

DB: Jennifer Lawrence.

TS: Lorde and Ingrid Michelson. Also, Ellie Gouldling.

BG: Robin Williams.

MC: 3 Days Grace.

What grinds your gears?

AA: People who don’t match their clothes and animal abuse.

PS: Interviewers.

TS: The same music the band plays at pep assemblies.

BG: Everyone. People irritate me.

What is the weirdest thing you found in the lost and found?

DB: One sock.

AA: A phone.

PS: A pair of undies.

MC: A carrot.

What was the worst movie you’ve ever seen?

DB: Coraline. I didn’t like it at all.

AA: Scary Movie 2.

PS: The People Under the Stairs.

MC: Precious. It was horrible.

How would you describe your ideal vacation?

AA: Relaxing in the sun.

TS: A relaxing long vacation, while relaxing in the sun with lots of pools and with family and friends.

BG: A five month vacation doing nothing.

MC: Staying up, in a cabin, and going on a boat.

What are the characteristics you would like your partner to have?

AA: Tall, athletic, kind, has to like all my friends, and someone who is romantic.

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MBMS Students Explore Capitol Ryan Hess

COURTESY OF A. DURHAM

D.C. Trip Students Lay

Arlington

Wreath Brandon Lockhart The laying of the wreath is a ceremony that has been going on for years; this ceremony is to honor the tomb of unknown soldiers from the past wars.

The burial ground has a sarcophagus that was placed above the tomb of the unknown soldier from WWI. It’s sculpted with three Greek figures that represent peace, victory, and valor.

It’s where the presidents or someone picked by him lays the wreath to mark the national observance of Veterans Day, Memorial May, or some other type of occasion.

This started March 4, 1921 when Congress approved the burial of an unidentified American soldier from WWI. A few students were asked questions about how they felt when they were picked, why they wanted to do it.

“I felt very privileged and I wanted to lay the wreath because I wanted to respect the soldiers who fought for our country,” Hailey Bragg said , who represented MBMS in laying the wreath.

“I felt privileged and extremely happy when I got picked, and because it would be a great honor and a once in a lifetime opportunity,” Victoria Cegielski said .

A few other students got asked how they would feel if they were laying the wreath and if they would do it.

“Yes, it would have been a great honor,” Jarren Diolata said.

Nicole Naimo said, “Maybe, and I would of felt very nervous.”

This means that it’s a really honorable and a happy moment to lay the wreath and to watch it.

To be able to lay the wreath you have to write an essay about why you deserve to lay the wreath. If you were picked, you had dress classy and sophisticated. If you’re not dressed appropriately they would switch you out with another person.

Over spring break, about 50 eighth grade students from Mt. Baker accompanied Mrs. Durham on a trip to our nation’s capitol. Kids from North Tapps and Rainier also joined the Mt. Baker group.

Spending a period of five days in Washington D.C., these students were given the opportunity to view some of the most important places in American history. Those locations include our capitol, Mount Vernon, Monticello, and Arlington National Cemetery.

Mount Vernon was the home of our first president, George Washington.

Monticello was the mountaintop home of Thomas Jefferson, our third president and author of the Declaration of Independence.

Arlington National Cemetery is the final resting place for our nation’s soldiers who died in combat. The cemetery is also the home of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. Soldiers who have died, but cannot be identified are placed here. This tomb is constantly defended by the Honor Guard.

They visited a few museums, including the Crime and Punishment, National History, and Air and Space.

The Crime and Punishment Museum informs visitors about the history of crime and law enforcement. The National History Museum gives a detailed look into our past as a species as well as other historic landmarks in our evolution through time. The Air and Space Museum reviews the accomplishments of humankind through the creation of flight and the space race.

Also, the group toured the Pentagon Memorial, the Holocaust Memorial, and the World War II Memorial.

The Pentagon memorial is a tribute to the lives lost during 9/11. The Holocaust memorial remembers the multitude of lives that were taken during this horrible period of history. The World War II Memorial is for the men and women who lost their lives during World War II. However, due to the large amount of money required for this excursion, many students were discouraged from going.

“I would have gone if [the trip] was less expensive,” Jonathan Tran said.

Mrs. Durham is holding an informational meeting for parents of interested students on May 14.

Students enter Monticello, the home of Thomas Jefferson. PHOTO BY M. JOHNSON

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PHOTO COURTESYOF GOOGLE IMAGES VIA THE CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE

Start Fast, Struggle Lately

Conner Pitlick & Kenny Miller

The last couple of years the Mariners have not been the best. Every year, hopeful fans think things will get better but they never do. Could this year be different?

“Considering they are missing three out of their five good players, they are young, and haven’t been hitting well. The M’s have been doing okay,” school counselor and baseball coach Mr. Vatne said.

The M’s have been off to a fair start with a first series sweep against the Angels. Felix Hernandez (better known as the King or King Felix) pitched in the Mariners first game and win of the season.

Hernandez isn’t the only star shining bright.

Another fan favorite is Robinson Cano. The M’s acquired Cano from the Yankees in the off-season for a $240 million ten year contract. He is said to be one of the best second base men in all of baseball and has made a great new edition to the team.

It seems every year is the same; the Mariners start off well then everything goes downhill. They were off to a hot start like they do every year, and then losing becomes a factor.

“I just hope they can have a winning season,” Vatne said.

One of the biggest problems the team has is their pitching, and the M’s don’t have the money to buy new pitchers.

“If the ownership would put some money in, that would be a start for them to improve,” Vatne agreed.

All Mariners fans want their team to win the World Series, but sometimes they just don’t have the talent to do so. This year the M’s have the potential to do so if the team would be consistent.

Without a doubt the M’s fans will always be loyal, no matter what happens. But many agree it’s the Mariner’s time to win it all. Out of all the years that they

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have been a Major League Baseball team they haven’t won the World Series.

It seems every year the Mariner’s are the laughing stalk of the league and fans hope that this year will be different. Sadly so far, it doesn’t look like their luck will change. The M’s were recently on an eight game losing streak, but snapped that streak with a 53 win against the Astros on April 23.

Every sports fan wants their team to be in the

running for the championship, but there can only be one team and this year it doesn’t look like the Mariners are going to be that team.

The M’s are young so they will be in the running for the next couple of seasons and they could win the World Series within a couple of years.

The Mariners are Seattle’s home team and fans will continue to support them, through wins and losses alike.

King Felix works his magic in 10-3 win over the Anaheim Angels. PHOTO COURTESY OF GOOGLE IMAGES VIA THE CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE

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Roth’s young adult novel hits big screen

Kamalvir Jhajj “Fear doesn’t shut you down, it wakes you up.” – Four (Theo James).

Veronica Roth saw her bestselling book turn into a hit movie around some parts of the world, coming alive into a minor sensation.

According to many people, this movie was said to be a definite watch, and worth it, while others absolutely disliked it.

The movie starts off with Tris (Shailene Woodley) sitting down while her mother cuts her hair and puts it into a bun, then letting her look in the mirror for about thirty seconds. It is the rule in their faction that they can’t look at their reflection for too long. The next day, Tris (Shailene Woodley) goes to her aptitude test, which would tell her what “faction” she should choose.

In their society, they have five factions, Erudite, the ones who are knowledgeable. Abnegation, the ones who are selfless. Dauntless, who are the fearless. Candor, who are the honest. And Amity, who are the peaceful. And the factionless, that don’t belong.

Tris (Shailene Woodley) was born into Abnegation, but because she is old enough, she will make her decision on what she wants to become for the rest of her life at the choosing ceremony. Once chosen, there is no going back.

At the aptitude test, she is told that she is “divergent”. Being a divergent is dangerous. It is where you are all factions, and you think differently than anyone, and no one can control you. No faction wants the Divergent, because they are a threat, and if discovered, they are killed.

At the choosing ceremony, Tris’s brother leaves his faction, Abnegation, and chooses to be Erudite, while Tris (Shailene Woodley) becomes a part of the Dauntless faction.

“Shailene Woodley was my favorite actor from the movie, because she had a very good part in the movie,” a seventh grader Kyleigh Westburg said.

The films story was understandable if you read the book before, but if you didn’t, it was quite confusing for some people. Some of the confusion was about what exactly the factions were. It would’ve been easier if you knew the background of the movie, before going and watching it.

Sixth grader, Jimena Rosales said one of her favorite scenes was, “when they are playing the capture the flag game.”

The story almost went along with the book, but not exactly, there were quite a lot of parts missing.

I thought that the parts that were missing were quite important. Almost all the death scenes were

gone, and some parts were changed around, which made it confusing if you had read the book.

“I would rate the movie a seven out of ten [ten being best, one being worst], because it wasn’t very true to the book,” eighth grader Ashleigh Wilson said.

The special effects were quite strong, and seemed real. One part in the movie could’ve been better, and it was the zip-lining part, the special effects weren’t quite strong at that part.

Some students disagreed with this, “I liked the zip-lining scene, because it was cool to see how they portrayed it,” eighth grader Emily Morrow said.

This movie could relate to the Hunger Games, because all the factions relate to the districts. And they’re both set in dystopian worlds.

“My favorite part of the movie was when at the end Tris (Shailene Woodley) stopped the Dauntless soldiers, because it stopped them from killing everyone,” seventh grader Zareah Barren said.

While we wait for the second movie in the series, Insurgent, coming out next year in March, we can all anticipate and hope for it to be better than this movie, and more true to the book.

The budget of Divergent was estimated to be about 85 million and was said to have made about 54 million on opening weekend on March 21, 2014, In USA. COURTESY OF GOOGLE.COM VIA CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE

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The Canine Chronicle Staff

Debates Pop Culture Trends Jasmine Dang & Aaron

MAY HOROSCOPES Colby Pretz

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Muffins, the downfall of the donut

MSP Readiness

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20) Hi, the root of all drama

With the end of the year quickly approaching, testing seems more and more frequent. One of the major tests that occur during this time is the MSP. It stands for Measurement of Student Progress and tests in reading, writing, math, and/or science based on your class over a two week span. Was the MSP stressful for you?

Aries (Mar. 21-April 19) Shoelaces, the root of falling on your face

Books into Movies

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Puppies, melting your heart in seconds

It’s a common thing for a book to become a movie in this day and age. Some movies represent the books well while others often fall flat. Overall, many films are different from books and often leave important details out, causing a stir of controversy. We tend to gravitate more towards the action packed adaptations but there will always be those horrible versions. No matter what, books becoming movies will continue to happen. Do you like it when a book becomes a movie?

Selfie Madness This new craze has taken over the world; no matter where you are you can be a victim. A selfie is a self photograph typically taken with a handheld digital device. Over 1 million selfies are taken each day. Are you overly irritated with selfies?

Gemini (May 21-June 20) The Twins, restless, gossipy, evasive, nervous and tense, sarcastic, fickle, two-faced, nosy, cheap, flighty, noncommittal, indecisive, quickly bored, manipulative, irritable, quarrelsome.

Cancer (June 21-July 22) Krabs revolt, no more Krabby Patties, down with The Kusty Krab!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Firefighters, watch out, you’ll get hosed.

Heartbleed Bug An error was recently found in the OpenSSL encrypting code. This error, if properly exploited, can compromise up to three-quarters of the information on the internet. Are you worried about your sensitive information, such as bank statements, social security numbers, and passwords to websites like Facebook and Twitter being stolen?

Jews Forced to Register A splinter group of the Russian government has been forcing Jewish people to register, thus showing that they are Jewish on all legal records. Should people be forced to register as their religion?

School Play

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Libra (Sept. 23- Oct. 22) Rock, get up and dance, your music’s on.

Scorpio (Oct. 23- Nov. 21) Fat Pony, a new accessory for My Little Pony Sagittarius (Nov. 22- Dec. 21) Hairspray, creating hair into human fly traps Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Pumpkin, you’ll always have your carriage right outside your door, but be careful, your time’s up at midnight.

The annual school play was performed on April 2 and 3. Since then, controversy has arisen over the infamous kissing scene. Has the hype gone too far?

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Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Water makes up approximately 65 percent of your body.

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Marchant stunned audiences with his natural charisma and choreography skills. PHOTO BY H. BRAGG

School Play Captivates Audiences Aaron Baker

As with April, the annual school play has come and gone. As usual, Mr. Char did not fail to amaze audiences with his wonderful reproduction of The Music Man Jr. The play follows Harold Hill (Thomas Marchant), a con man who wishes to rob the people of River City, Iowa, by selling them uniforms to make a boy’s band.

However, Hill intends to skip town as soon as he collects his cash.

Before Hill can do so, he falls in love

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with Marian Paroo (Talia Samuelson and Mackenna Webb). Now being pursued by angry townspeople who have realized his scheme, Hill pleads his case and decides that his love for Marian is greater than his love for money and everyone lives happily ever after.

While the play followed a blatant Disney-esque script (and overall every event in the play was predictable from the second the curtain rose), the performance of the actors was absolutely fantastic.

The most astounding performances were given by Marchant, Samuelson, and Webb. Their singing skills were absolutely off the charts and added a degree of jubilance and energy to the play.

“The singing was really great,” seventh grader Mackenna Price said.

Even the minor roles were casted perfectly.

“My favorite role was Josh Hales [as a policeman],” seventh grader Abus Ahmed said, “He was very funny.”

My only issue with the play is that most of the spoken dialogue was inaudible. The actors had an annoying

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tendency to speed through their lines, so I found myself constantly guessing as to where the plot was going.

This lack of corrigibility only got worse throughout the play, and eventually most actors seemed to be speaking some sort of foreign language.

This problem was only exacerbated by the microphone equipment attached to the actors, which would have worked had the actors not essentially wrapped their mouth over the equipment.

It is abundantly clear that the actors just became too good at their parts, enough that they knew their lines so well that using enunciation seemed irrelevant.

Overall, the play was fantastic. I feel that enunciation would have made the story line clearer, but since most of the story was told through singing anyway, enunciation ended up as a minor nuisance at worst.

I can only imagine what wonderful production Mr, Char will put on next year.

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According to actors, the play provided an opportunity for hard work masked in play. Students enjoyed their experience in front of the crowd and back stage, where the real characters shined. PHOTO BY H. BRAGG

Play PDA Causes Uproar Alyssa Ferry Even at 9 a.m., the gasps, shouts, and whistles were prominent during The Music Man Jr.’s first showing.

Although many of them were to applaud the abilities of the actors onstage, the majority seemed to be during the kissing scene between the characters Harold Hill and Marian Paroo.

While many students handled the sight well, others had concerns that either the kiss wasn’t middle school appropriate, or that it was hypocritical (undermining school rules for the sake of the dramtic arts).

“I don’t understand why they can kiss in front of the whole school, and other people can’t kiss in front of a few friends,” eighth grader Tannar Larson said.

PDA is more so of an issue at the high school level than the middle school level, but cases do happen. When situations do occur, school rules are implemented.

When asked whether or not the kiss affected their day following the play, answers varied.

“It was just a play; [my friends and I] talked about how people would talk about it later,” seventh grader

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Hailey Cruz said.

After the first infraction of a public display of affection and a teacher write up, the consequence is an after school detention; however, the on-stage kiss did not seem to cause worry among administrative staff.

Questions have arisen as to whether or not this kiss was school acceptable.

Seeing as it was in an un-realistic setting, it’s understandable as to why this was passed off as an occurrence that did not have to follow the normal school rules.

“It’s okay because it’s theater. At school during the school day, [PDA is] bad, but [the kiss] was part of the play,” seventh grader Delaney Rogers said.

Mr. Char, the drama director, has put on many marvelous plays. Some feature an intimate scene and others do not. The question continues to stand as to whether or not the kiss was needed, and if it should be cut out of future productions.

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The kiss that captivated almost an entire school took place so dramatically that the theater erupted in shouts. PHOTO BY H. BRAGG

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The Canine Chronicle

Despite it now being the middle of May, The Canine Chronicle has decided to follow its annual “April Fools Edition” tradition.

Jokes and comedy rely heavily on the element of surprise and unexpectedness. HA! It’s May! Who expected that?

While The Canine Chronicle has always been devoted to reporting facts as objectively and accurately as is possible, and we have always printed retractions when our errors have been realized, we have decided that having a bit of fun with you, as our audience, can only lead to laughter and good times, Thus, we will proceed as such.

We are essentially turning the rest of the edition from this point forward into fake news, created entirely for human interest and humor.

As such, nothing you read in this edition from this page forward should be trusted as factual.

While we encourage you to enjoy this

“faux news” at its fullest extent, we also wish to remind you that we consider ourselves a normally reputable source of information. By publishing this edition, we wish to in no way tarnish our reputation.

All names used in this edition (with the exception of people who have specifically allowed using their real name, which includes reporter’s names in the bylines of any given article) from this point forward are fictitious. Any resemblances these names bear to real people, places, or products are completely coincidental.

That being said, we have attempted to quote real people accurately.

Although some facts are accurate, The Canine Chronicle has chosen to present them in a manner that puts them in a satire perspective, (Satire means using humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues).

We understand that we are an entire month late, but the staff hopes you will continue to laugh at the bizarre articles found here.

The Canine Chronicle wishes you to have a bit of fun from this point on, and hopes that you will enjoy reading the articles as much as the staff enjoyed writing them.

WARNING: Some Stories May Be Based on REAL Facts PHTOO BY OF K.RUPPERT

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Embrace Differences, Success Anna Maracich & Katie Ruppert

The rare outcome of mutations has affected Mt. Baker Middle School’s newest set of twins. Kayla and Josef Pferdkopf, both being born with the head of a horse, moved to Auburn to train for 2016’s Olympics held in Rio de Janeiro.

This birth defect is known as Zelweger Kreutzfeldt-Yakob Glooming Syndrome, and is extremely rare.

The twins will be attempting to defend their gold medal in three-legged races, break dancing, and competitive knitting.

Despite the twins’ genetic disorder, they have made substantial contributions to Mt. Baker’s academic and athletic success.

Kayla received a first place prize in the school’s mathematics competition, while Josef set a new high jump record, soaring 7 feet 9 inches.

“I’m so glad to be part of this fantastic school, Josef and I get an ideal amount of support from this school during our training months,” eighth grader Kayla Pferdkopf said.

The twins first got interested in sports at age 4 when they watched the 2004 Olympics in Athens.

“My inspiration for becoming an Olympic athlete was Pally Searsons. She inspired me to never give up my dreams,” Kayla said.

“To be honest, I was interested in becoming an Olympian because Kayla’s interests inspire me to do the same things,” Josef said.

The twins support each other at every game.

Despite the many stares, the twins always applaud for each other like no one else is watching.

Although they are inseparable now, Josef received a scholarship to Hogwarts University due to his wicked Quidditch skills and will be leaving in

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September to attend the magical school.

In order to keep up their athletic abilities, the twins are set on a strict diet.

“Our diet to stay fit consists of apples, alfalfa, Triple Crowns high-energy horse grains, and rainbow colored carrots. These foods help us keep a consistent metabolism and don’t make us crash in the middle of a competition,” Josef said.

Scientists tested the twin’s metabolism compared to a normal human.

“Statistics show that Kayla and Josef Pferdkopf have a higher metabolism rate by over 33 percent

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compared to the average human,” Wyvernham’s top medical scientist, Betty Joe, said.

Many arguments arose as to if the twins should be allowed to compete in the 2016 Olympic games.

This argument was brought to court; the twins still disagree, saying disabled people have competed in the Olympics before.

“If we are disqualified from the Olympics we will be competing in 2018’s International Equestrian Games,” the twins agreed.

The Pferdkopf twins make the most of their situation everyday by working on their talents. PHTOO BY OF K.RUPPERT

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Katie Peri gets sky high rating during her Prismatic tour. She attempts a life or death situation to please audience. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY K.RUPPERT

Alyssa Ferry March eighth was the day people all around the world tuned in to the news. When the Boeing MH370 plane went missing, theories went berserk.

The facts are pouring in from many major news companies.

According to BVX News, the plane was most likely sucked into a black hole off the coast of Australia.

Aboard this plane was Katie Peri, who was performing her media filled concert on the top of the plane.

“It’s like she was walking on air, and then she jumped off with her tie-dye parachute and the sky lit up like a firework!” bystander Isis Kalie said.

A scientifically advanced camera has been sent through by Malaysian scientists to capture where this black hole leads, but the high definition photos take longer to develop than those of a normal camera.

“We’re getting these photos and they’re helping not only to find the plane, but also figure out where black holes may be leading into space,” Malaysian scientist Keri Jerne said.

Many people are mourning the loss of loved ones; having no contact with the passengers aboard for such an extended period of time has been “heartbreaking” for them.

“Actually, although I do miss him killing the spiders, there’s less laundry to do. Which I’m thankful

Plane Crash,

for,” Mrs. Mellark, mother of a passenger, said.

Countries, such as Australia, have picked up signals that could possibly give way to a real answer.

“After a series of beeps, we’ve decided that they are Morse code. The message reads, ‘The odds were not in their favor,’ which proves to us that Suzanne Collins’ book The Hunger Games is playing a large part in this,” Australian sailor Agnes Hudson said.

It’s true. Many of the images seen eerily resemble the broken arena, crazy couture, and broken buildings described in Collins’ novels.

With such evidence, it’s practically a fact. It’s hard to say whether or not everyone will believe the evidence scientists have. Malaysia’s Prime Minister Naomi Eryngo has not given up hope on finding the plane “My granddaughter was on that plane, not only do I care for her well being, but in her possession was my favorite book. I want it back, hopefully soon!”

Eryngo stated.

As the search continues, all theories will be taken into consideration; although all evidence points to the plane soaring into the black hole, and landing in Panem.

Not Like the Movies Anna Maracich The mocking jay echoed in the distance, the dome collapsed and the blazing sun leaked upon Katniss’s face. She caught a glimpse of the Malaysian Flight MH370 and knew that the odds were in her favor.

Peeta Mellark boarded flight MH370 on Friday afternoon to visit his family in District 3. The Malaysian airport reported that they lost track of the plane on their monitors at about 6:24 Saturday evening. The plane had taken a steep drop to about 10,000 feet near the capitol, and then disappeared from the monitors.

Cameras also showed that aboard the plane was Finnick Odair from District 4, Plutarch Heavensbee, the Head Gamemaker, and Haymitch Abernathy, former Hunger Games winner, mentoring District 12.

Odair, Heavensbee, Abernathy, and Mellark were reported to hijack flight MH370 and then released all other passengers throughout the Golden Coast.

“I was found by a little girl; she said her name was Ellawind, I had fallen from such great heights the injuries were unbearable and I had passed out moments later. When I woke up I was covered in glitter and Katie Peri was next to me.” Nya Creez said.

The plane was filmed breaking into the cracked Hunger Games arena spotlighting Katniss’s body. A rousing claw sheltered her body and hauled it into the hijacked MH370 Malaysian flight.

The film was immediately turned into the police by witness Kelsey Palzmer.

“While filming, my heart was racing in my skin tight jeans; this video was definitely not part of my teenage dream.”

Palzmer said.

The case is still being investigated; they are holding Peeta at the capitol guarded by a dark horse. He had taken all responsibility for this misconduct insuring that Katniss was the one that got away.

The original route of the Malaysian MH370 plane went awry after the plane lost connection with the Malaysian airport. PHOTO COURTESY OF GOOGLE IMAGES VIA THE CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE

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Noris Annexes Neverland Byron Kidder

While the power of Chuck Noris is undisputed, world domination has never been discussed by the martial arts star.

After a special election, and some resistance from Neverland President Peter Pan, 89% of the residents of Neverland voted to elect Noris as monarch for life.

“I annexed Neverland not only because of the direct defiance to my treaties, but also for the royalties from Disney,” Noris said on state TV Tuesday, “I need to fund my quest to reassemble the old Chuck Republic. And because of the decision by President Pan I found that source. My economic advisers said that I could make millions a year.”

President Orteez addressed to United Nations, urging them to make and pass a full international ban on Neverland in everyday use.

"The goal is not to go after Mr. Noris personally. The goal is to change his calculus with respect to how the current actions that he's engaging in could have an adverse impact on the economy of Chuck Noris over the long haul," President Orteez said as he addressed the UN. “With passing a full international ban on Neverland, we could stop Noris from going down a hill from which he will never return rebound.”

The United Nations Film and Arts Council is due to vote on a bill sometime next week.

Ambassador James Hook, Neverland diplomat to Chuck Noris, started it all when in meetings with Noris when he spread rumors that President Peter Pan would side with the west and Hollywood on film piracy.

“I want to make it clear that if President Pan would side with the west on the issue of piracy it would be

disastrous to the country of Neverland,” Noris said at the G-15 summit two months ago.

Then right before the invasion Mr. Noris said, ”Ambassador Hook has made it clear to me that President Pan has reached a conclusion on the Film Piracy Act Renewal before the UN. His

consensus is to vote for the bill, therefore severing all ties with Noris.”

Ambassador Hook has became rather disgusted by Neverland in recent months. He has also been friends with Noris since childhood. This event could have given him leverage to destroy Neverland and take the presidency for himself.

“I did not make those statements at all! My shadow is always getting me into all sorts of trouble,” President Pan stated to Neverland after the invasion.” This is one of those times. I have not reached a conclusion on the FPAR on the UN floor at the current time.”

After being asked if he had his eyes set on other mystical lands by Edward Snowman at the press conference Tuesday, Chuck said that he “had had no current want nor need for other fairy tale lands.”

The realm of Middle Earth and Wonderland may be under fire in the future due to Noris’ ambitions.

Noris asserts his dominance over Hook after the Neverland ambassador questions his capability of ruling the world.

Outbursts like this one have plagued his him during his two careers— in politics and being awesome. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY W. MANTOOTH

We want to publish your pictures!

DIRECTIONS: Take an appropriate picture of yourself or a friend with this amazing pirate-themed, Hooksupporting, novelty Chuck eye patch.

Send it to us at... pwarring@auburn.wednet.edu. We may publish it in our June Edition.

Please don’t disrupt your classes.

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Truth Revealed about Baker Staffs’ Previous Carriers Anna Maracich, Katie Ruppert, Jaimie Vital, Harrison Maurus

Ms. Levernez

Mr. King

The well-recognized face of the Gerber baby has been roaming these halls as one of our new administrators. Ms. Leverenz has been hiding her past, embarrassed to admit she was replaced because of her age.

“We think 23 is a little old to continue in the baby food business, considering the fact that she could be a mom.” Gerber CEO Strain P. Gregor said.

Although she confessed that she is no longer as recognizable, her secret life hasn’t fooled anyone.

“I made about $300 per commercial that aired if I was in that particular commercial.” Leverenz said.

Not only was she attracted to the profit, baby male models were roaming everywhere she looked “I did not have an official secret romance, but the Charmin baby model was pretty cute.” Leverenz blushed.

With her secret revealed she has been getting several requests for autographs and photos. She thought she could ditch the media when she came to Baker, yet her well-known past will follow her everywhere.

Most students at Mt.Baker know one of our P.E teachers, Mr. King. However, very few know what Mr. King did before he became the Mt.Baker Physical Education teacher.

Back in the ‘80s, Mr. King was a part of the legendary rapping group called The Kingzzz. Formally known as Mr. $ugar King K Face, Mr. King made his way up the rapping chain. His first album that was sent to the public was entitled, “Protect the Crown”.

COURTESY OF J. CARTER Entertainers enjoy many parts of their job, and King was no different. “[My favorite thing about being a rapper was] taking my shirt off,” King said.

One must wonder why Mr. King gave up his dream job of a shirtless rapper to become the Mt.Baker P.E teacher.

“There was too much money, paparazzi, and various groupies.” said King.

Next time you see Mr. King in the halls, give him some credit for being one of the best rappers in the state.

Mr. Lewis

Mr. Kemp

Assistant Principal

Computer Applications

We all know that the vice principal of this school is Mr. Lewis. He is really tall and bald and he used to be a teacher at Lakeland Hills Elementary School, but do you know what he did before he became a teacher?

It turns out that Mr. Lewis was previously an amateur rollerblading limbo contestant in the year of 1987 in Seattle, Washington.

When he was a young boy, Mr. Lewis would skate underneath 26 cars in 46 seconds. He would do this by doing the splits underneath the cars while rollerblading. He found this unusual passion when his father got him rollerblades for the first time when he was 12 years old.

Mr. Lewis was leisurely skating around the house when he slipped and his legs did the splits. He enjoyed being able to do the splits, so he decided to enter the National Rollerblading Limbo Competition and won gold.

Have you ver wonder what computer applications teacher Mr. Kemp did before he was a Mt. Baker Middle School teacher?

Mr. Kemp immigrated to the U.S. 20 years ago from Antarctica. Before his immigration, he and fellow athlete Brandon Meems were on the Antarctica men’s synchronized dive team. The 1984 Turkmenistan Olympic Games were the only games that the Antarctica team ever competed in.

They were vying for the gold but sadly took silver instead. Mr. Kemp and Mr. Meems were also the only people on the Antarctica team - ever.

With the subzero water temperatures and massive chunks of ice floating in the water the area was deemed too dangerous to have a diving team.

Mr. Kemp and Mr. Meems went on to join the Djibouti synchronized swimming team.

Again their sense of a suitable location to have a water-based sport was lacking. Djibouti is mainly a rocky and dry desert.

Mr. Kemp decided to be a teacher after he realized that his dreams of ever having successful water based sports team in a weird ,unknown country were not to be realized. No one knows what happened to Mr. Meems.

Dean of Students

Physical Education

ALL PHOTO ILUSTRATIONS BY K.RUPPERT

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New Electives Offered

OMG! Well Duuuuuuuuhhh! PHOTO BY M. FERNANDEZ

N.A.P.S., S.N.A.C.K.S. provide new class options Daelyn Haws, Tashana Williams,

If you’ve ever felt hungry or tired during the school day, then the new elective is perfect for you. Introducing the brand new Bulldog Time S.N.A.C.K.S and N.A.P.S electives, set aside as a whole period per day.

S.N.A.C.K.S. stands for “Scheduled National Academic Collection of Kalories for Students” and N.A.P.S. for “National Academic Performance of Sleep”.

These new electives were specially designed to help students through the day by giving them a separate class period to sleep and eat.

This elective was established by Naomi Mertin, a professor at the University of RA, also known as the University of Random Acronyms.

“After monitoring middle school-aged student’s performances when they had an extra hour of sleeping and eating, I decided that teens would earn better grades if they had a while to rest. Middle schools often tend to start too early as it is,” Mertin said.

Professor Mertin talked to the administrators at Mt. Baker, who reported having way too many sleepdeprived and hungry students, she helped work through students’ schedules to make the new Bulldog Time.

MBMS started Bulldog Time at the beginning of the 2012-2013 school year, but it soon ended because it was more work on the teachers and provided less time for students to learn.

Brandon Mozaleen, a seventh grader at MBMS, gave

his opinion on the new Bulldog Time.

“I love it! It gives every student an opportunity to catch up on lost sleep, and you don’t even have to earn it. This is definitely going at the top of my list of favorite classes,” Mozaleen said.

Rosie Hernt agreed that the S.N.A.C.K. time would be beneficial to students.

“I never seem to get enough food during breakfast. I usually eat at home and at school, but I’m still hungry afterwards. Then I get in trouble at home because I didn’t finish my lunch. Well, I never have enough time to eat it! Now I can bring all the food I want without worrying about running out of time,” eighth grader Rosie Hernt said.

Some students also expressed they want to feel young again, like they were in kindergarten and preschool, because it was mainly play and easy work. Now everyone can embrace their inner child once more.

The S.N.A.C.K.S. and N.A.P.S. period is set up to provide a comfortable, younger, environment for students to rest. Every room is equipped with yoga or carpet mats, goldfish snacks, animal crackers, water, and apple juice boxes.

For now, staff members are trying to monitor and survey the liking and disliking of this elective by students. Later this quarter, the staff will have a meeting to decide whether or not we will keep this rest period.

New Elective

Drama Miranda Fernandez Are you dramatic? Do you like giving your opinion and being stubborn? Then you belong in the new “Drama” elective middle school offers!

Mt. Baker Middle School’s original drama elective is all about memorizing scripts, acting, and presenting, but this new drama elective is all about having a big mouth. Every single day, there’s drama.

You miss one day, and it’s as if a war started three murder scenes, school bombing, and teacher protests for unequal pay.

This new drama elective will help you be sassier and bring out your inner bubbly personality. It will also make your social life expand.

Everyone will think you’re the most flamboyant girl/or boy in the universe! With your participation in this new drama elective, you’ll be able to get out your emotions. But it will only be available for fourth and sixth period.

When Mr. Wonderwoman, was asked how he thought a Drama elective can help, he said, "The Drama elective will resolve problems between all the people, I know, and won't fight for little things."

Don't let people discourage you for not being popular, just wait until your both in this class and have fun by "talking" (more like arguing with them).

Your life will be happier. For all those who are sick of drama, join the elective to take your anger out on the person that gave you awkward moments.

There’s going to be a new teacher called Mr. Dramatique. He loves drama and he’s French. Mr. Dramatique will show you how too love drama in another point of view.

But when Mrs. Captain-America was asked what she thinks of a Drama Elective, she said, "It won't help at all since there is too much drama, plus, it will be very annoying."

Obviously, there is going to be haters! But according to statistics 75 percent like the idea of a Drama Elective and 25 percent don't at all.

Remember, when there’s drama, bring it to the Drama Elective; we will settle it the way it should be... which is by being sassy!

Students enjoy their new sleeping opportunity and they value it greatly. Many students hope this period will stay in effect all year.

PHOTO BY D.HAWS AND T.WILLIAMS

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Students Missing, Aslan Suspected

Hope Addison & Emily Miles It seems that by the end of the school year classes begin to feel smaller, classrooms are quieter, hallways are less crowed, and teachers stress levels are low.

You might think the cause is hallway loitering, sick days, and never ending vacations, however, there have been numerous accounts of faun and centaur sightings, in the teachers’ lounge especially. There is only one explanation…there must be a locker to Narnia.

There have many reports of student trying to fit in their lockers. Could this be a sign? A sign of Narnia?

“I think students are getting hairier, like really hairy,” sixth grader Tiggy Rumblebuffin said.

These aren’t just regular students with a need to shave but mystical creatures from a dimension beyond our own. Teachers are even starting to notice unusual changes in student behavior.

“My students haven’t been the same, always neighing and snorting every few minutes. It’s like they’re animals!” Ms. Pevensie, the newest health teacher, said.

The real question is, where are all the real students going? And where are the extra-hairy, neighing students coming from?

If you haven’t heard of Narnia, C.S. Lewis created the well-known series The Chronicles of Narnia between the 1940s-1950s. The land of Narnia was later discovered by Dr. Nalsa in 2004.

Elijah Morvis, eighth grader, has been seen trying to fit into her locker on many different occasions. She refused to speak about the matter.

This suspicious behavior from many students has lead to the conclusion that Narnia is in fact real, and there is proof. In the 9 ¾ hallway, students have been making too much ruckus trying to push their carts through the lockers. (Wait, wrong story.) Kids have actually been entering a locker in the 9 ¾ and not just any locker, the locker of P. Sherman, locker 42.

You can imagine the Sherman’s immense surprise when he opened his locker to find the inside blanketed in snow, tiny mythical creatures running around everywhere, with Miles Calico as their king.

“As much as I love my privacy, I’ve let it go. I’m not

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going to let the lack of privacy hold me back [from my shyness] anymore,” Sherman stated.

Although there have been many facts and theories, they have all been proved wrong. Aslan, of Narnia, has

been luring children into the locker with Turkish delight, and is suspected to be “the mane mouser”, or the main reason students are leaving school for Narnia.

Aslan (above) calls students to join him in Narnia in P. Sherman’s locker. Mr. Tumnus (below) hides from the strange children that keep showing up and asking him questions. COURTESY OF H. ADDISON VIA PINTEREST

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Student Accepted to Prestigious

Daelyn Haws & Tashana Williams

Almost everyone knows about Hogwarts, the school of Witch Craft and Wizardry in Britain, but has anyone heard of someone from MBMS attending the school?

Horse-headed twin Josef Pferkodpf [see page 13] was accepted recently to this magical school, having the acceptance letter delivered from a halfgiant named Rubeus Hagrid.

Pferkodpf was shocked when this huge man showed up in his first period class. Accompanying Mr. Hagrid was an older man with a long beard and half moon glasses, named Albus Dumbledore, also known as Professor Dumbledore.

“I was rather surprised that I qualified [as a wizard]. I noticed some things here and there when I got mad, like my scar hurting, but always thought of it as a coincidence,” Pferkodpf said.

Hogwarts has four houses, Gryffindor known for their braveness and strength, Slytherin known for their slickness and Moody-ness, Ravenclaw known for their smarts and cleverness, and Hufflepuff known for their teamwork.

According to the minister from the Ministry of Magic, Gryffindor is the most desired house.

“Is it ron that I don’t want to be in Gryffindor?”

Pferkodpf asked.

“But Siriusly now, let’s not be riddikulus. It would be rather Lestrange if you are chosen as a wizard and not want to be in Gryffindor,” Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Professor Lupin said.

Pferkodpf also asked how he would be selected into the houses. The Slamoshavilla Soo (Parseltongue), also known as the Sorting Hat. After the news was announced to his parents Lara and Joss Pferkodpf reacted a lot differently from Josef.

“I was very happy to know that my son is a wizard! I still can’t Snape out of the shock considering

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he comes from, at least what Harris says, Muggle family,” Mrs. Pferkodpf said. “When Harvey told us, he was literally Weasly-ing.”

It took some convincing to get Pferkodpf to Krum, but Professor Dumbledore gave the final shove.

“I didn’t want to go originally, but the more [Professor Dumbledore] explained the concept to me, the more I wanted to go.” Pferkodpf mentioned.

When the day finally came, Professor Dumbledore came and dementor-strated some of the ways to get in contact with his parents such as the Floo Network, and sending mail by owl.

Now, Pferkodpf is living in Britain at the Hogwarts School with his new friends, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter, Leville Nongbottom and his arch nemesis Draco Malfoy.

Pferkodpf looks forward to the new Hogwarts traditions. He is even looking forward to playing Quidditch. PHOTO ILLISTRATION BY D. HAWS AND T. WILLIAMS.

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What are the strangest items left behind?

Evelin Laris “It’s strange…really strange”, detective Hoof states.

According to many witnesses, strange and mysterious items have been found lately in the local city lost and found.

“I couldn’t believe what I found last week”, local supermarket cashier stated. “I found a pair of dentures, and believe it or not, they even fit me!”

Many other reports have followed since the pair of dentures was found, prosthetic legs, shark teeth, and many more!

“It’s one those cases that you just got to sit back, relax, and really think about it”, a detective stated during in an interview.

The first finding was the pair of dentures, which striked the world, but then, a year passed and the next finding was a prosthetic leg!

“I couldn’t imagine what I was looking at, I was so shocked!” Lucy Parker said, owner of a robotics store.

Following the dentures, the prosthetic leg arrived, but even more mysterious was the next finding, shark teeth!

Believe it or not, these mysteries are surely mysterious.

“It’s real mystery stuff going on here…real mystery”, stated detective Hoof.

After all the mysterious findings, no other case has been reported similar to these findings, but hopefully, there won’t be anymore.

“I think after the items I’ve investigated, I’ll be prepared for any other traumatic personals found in the local lost and found.

“After finding all these items we can now assure it has become an epidemic because all these items were found in less than a two year period and on the very last Friday of every month”, according to head detective Steeler.

As to today, none of the items have been “actually” claimed. The only people who have only come to try to claim these items were asked to describe them; humorously, none of them guessed correctly!

“If anyone knows any information, they should make a report to their local police”, Detective Hoof said.

Dentures, prosthetic legs, and shark teeth findings were some of the few that community members have seen in the local lost and found. An epidemic has started after the first finding, which then led to a whole new line of discoveries. COURTESY OF CREATIVE COMMONS

Students Addicted to New Teachers’ Scent Jasmine Dang

From the creators of Brand Drops comes Teacher Drops. They’re the biggest invention to hit the market since the BrainyBot. Brand Drops are the “world’s first branded aromatic rain” and is a “biotechnological marketing” tool that injects customized scents into rain droplets to create a “multisensory brand experience.”

This alternative, known as Teacher Drops, is the branded aromatic rain bottled up but of those smells from teachers that you know and love.

“This is the best invention I’ve ever heard of, I can’t wait to go out and buy my favorite scents,” eighth grader

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Miley Silver said.

The purpose of this product is to give you the opportunity to receive these familiar aromas within your household versus the restriction of just at school.

Some of the scents offered are coffee, mint, ink, pencil shavings, and morning breath.

“I have mixed feelings about this. It sounds unique and maybe something I might want to try, but on the other hand, I can't think of a use that will make this product worthwhile,” seventh grader Cecil Cruise stated.

Using Teacher Drops is fairly simple.

All you have to do is apply the drops to a desired area and 'Voliá!' The fra-

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grance will soon fill the air.

“I don't know who came up with this creation, but it is kind of absurd. Who in their right mind would want to purchase this item?” sixth grader Liam Magri said.

Despite Magri's opinion, many are fond of Teacher Drops. Therefore you should try this item out before making your final opinion on the product.

Whether you personally enjoy Teacher Drops or not, they're in high demand. These drops can be purchased at any local store near you, and are available in an assortment of scents. So pick yours up today before they sell out!

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Teacher Drops are the latest and greatest item. You can't go anywhere without hearing about them.

They are trending on every social media platform and have already sold over 2 million bottles.

PHOTO BY J. DANG

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South Auburn Schools

Formats Factions Destany Abellera In one to two years, be ready to be asked a life changing question about cereal and milk.

Over this past month, the South Auburn School District has decided to change all schools into a faction-organized system. It will include all students from elementary school up until college.

“The staff and I had thought of our brilliant idea of sectioning specific students together after watching Divergent only seven times. We thought the whole plan through so everything will fit together and be ready by next year,” said school board leader, Jones Smith, now known as Four after a recent name change.

Each specific faction has one evident trait that they are known for. Naughts are people who don’t eat cereal, Unevens are people who like more milk than cereal in their bowl, Ill-matched are people who like less milk than cereal in their bowl, and Dittos are people who have an even ratio of milk to cereal. The school district will be testing each student individually by how they eat this morning meal.

“I’m excited to try out the factions, I’m almost positive I’ll make it into the nine faction, but just to be safe from now on I’m going to put three cups of milk and three cups of cereal in my bowl to ensure an even ratio,” sixth grader Leona Spreece said.

After completing grade eight, whichever faction you are in will decide what high school you will be attending. Every student will carry on with their faction through high school until graduation.

“I heard that each high school is going to have an initiation. I’m sort of scared. I hope we don’t have to do something crazy like jump off trains or run a lot,” seventh grader Ram Barder said .

So far, the Auburn School District haven been the only schools that have tried out the new system but it is rumored that the whole nation will soon be split in factions.

Hospitals Overflowing with

Colby Pretz Everywhere you go, you see people taking selfies.

This trend has become so popular that T.V. stations have been holding contests for the best submitted selfie.

Do these people realize the danger that is just a click away?

Local hospitals are reporting an overwhelming urgency to inform citizens of the dangers of taking selfies.

A local boy experienced paralysis after taking a selfie. The phone was still stuck in boys hand. COURTIESY OF NYDAILYNEWS.COM

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Many hospitals have reported that in the last several months there has been an 85 percent increase of patients admitting themselves with selfie paralysis.

“I couldn’t believe it, my arm became stiff out in front of me like I was talking to my hand,” sixth grader Stan Stanmenson said.

Hospital officials said they are seeing a rise in the treatment of people between the ages of 9-17, with most of these needing an overnight stay at the hospital.

“After spending the day taking selfies, my arm and hand just stayed in that weird position,” seventh grader Sarah Stevens said.

“I had a very hard time getting my phone out of my hand,” eighth grader Marvin Manning said.

“It was really scary and my mom had to take me to the emergency room.”

Research has shown that this has become a nationwide problem with many hospitals across the nation reporting similar cases.

The U.S. Department of Health is looking into the matter to see if putting restrictions on phones to prevent people from taking selfies is needed.

“With so many people across this country being affected by this paralysis,” Dr. Yuno, head of paralysis at the University of Selfinflict, emphasized.

We all like to take pictures of ourselves, but with this current trend of paralysis maybe we all should step back and think twice before we take that next selfie.

“Many of my constituents and I believe there needs to be something done before it morphs into epidemic proportions,” Dr. Yuno said.

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Fractions (WHOOPS! Factions) will be tested on June 31 by being put in a cereal bowl, I mean by eating from a cereal bowl and being assigned to a group. My apologies for the picture, I found it on the back of a cereal box. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY K. RUPPERT

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Since the beginning of time, humanity has pondered upon three questions. Why is the computer lab so hot, why is a mysterious bump in the carpet outside the library, and where did the P.R.I.D.E stick come from? The reveling of the following secret stories of Mt. Baker Middle School, human kind will be able to rest in peace again.

What you don’t know about the history of MBMS

Gobindroop Mann

The Hot Lab

The Mysterious Bump

P.R.I.D.E Stick Origin

It has recently came to the attention of the MBMS students that the computer lab has become excessively hot in the spring and extremely cold in the winter. The truth has recently been discovered.

Through tough investigation and long nights with loads of paperwork, Mark Knight (with a hard K) discovered why the lab is so extreme when it comes to temperatures; it’s the government.

“Doze big ole bullies are a taking over da school,” Mark Knight (with a hard K) concluded.

These government agents have one purpose for these experiments, to find out which one of us students are the mentally toughest and most fit for the government’s new line of “Super Soldiers.”

In an interview with the one of the Super Soldiers leaders, we asked what the soldiers would be used for. The response was horrifying.

“If we told you, we would have to…well, you know the rest,” the leader responded.

MBMS recently filed a complaint to the district office because of problems with students who have tripped on a daily basis since the school first opened.

The problem was simple, a bump next to the library door. The bump was made from the hand of former principal Gordon Dowse.

This was discovered by sixth grader Mitchell Fitzle who discovered the hand while wearing his xray goggles after class.

The body was later re-buried in the place that Principal Gordon was remembered most, in his office.

“I’m infuriated that anyone would such a thing to my husband. Someone could have tripped and gotten hurt,” Gordon’s wife said.

The P.R.I.D.E stick, where did it come from and who brought it here?

In a nutshell, it came from the distant planet of Glacticon. Its purpose for being here is to brainwash us and the alien XRI-09726 brought it here as a peace offering.

In an interview with this alien he stated “Bdho buh dock lah toh mah goali sdo” XRI-09726 said.

The P.R.I.D.E stick is the only thing that keeps our planet intact, because if we were to get rid of it our planet would fall to the immense power of the Glacticonions.

The stick was brought here when the school first opened because the Glacticonions sensed great power in our school.

It was a little too powerful for our younger pupils.

Have you noticed sixth graders going berserk when they get to touch the P.R.I.D.E stick but when eighth graders hold it they would rather not?

It’s because the aura of power in the stick is far too strong for the miniscule brainpower of the sixth grade mind, but when they mature, they come to their senses and realize there is nothing great about holding a stick.

Brecken MacGrew trips over the mysterious bump next to library. PHOTO BY G. MANN.

Miracia Fredaniz attempts to stay cool in the lab with extreme temperatures. PHOTO BY G. MANN.

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Alien XRI-09726 waving goodbye after giving peace offering.

PHOTO COURTESY OF FLiCKR VIA THE CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE.

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Old Rules, New Problems Sixth graders, (from left to right) Javon Forward, Sam Erickson, Chris Guerra, and Aaron McCurdy duck from the horrifying eighth graders. Keep your eyes open for the P.R.I.D.E. boys. PHOTO BY H. ADDISON

Hope Addison & Emily Miles

Despite our planner strictly prohibiting both rollerblades and beepers 20 years ago, students at our school were facing severe consequences for rollerblading on school grounds and using beepers during class.

‘It’s was really starting to become an issue” eighth grade science teacher Mrs. Chandler said, “I couldn’t get through a single lesson without confiscating a beeper”.

Now, 20 years later, the hallway madness is making its way back with an epidemic of rollerblades and beepers.

“The hallways are the worst!” said seventh grader Despair Madison.

All students have their heads ducked down, eyes glued on their beepers.

Grade levels have respected the rule banning roller blades, except the eighth grade.

Roller blading eighth graders have collided with 24 sixth graders just this semester, leaving 10 with minor injuries and three in the hospital.

Seventh graders have found alternate routes to their classrooms sometimes sprinting to the other side of the school to avoid eighth graders.

“Every day, I leave Mr. Moon’s room and go out the double doors at the end of the 600 hall,” seventh grader Troy Brawn shared. “I sprint around the school to the 500 hallway entrance. It’s a hassle, but I haven’t been hit in three weeks!”

The eighth grade boys have created a system of points for trampling younger students, titled the P.R.I.D.E Wall (People Resisting Important Discipline Everyday). You can find this posted on the boys bathroom wall. Ten points for hitting seventh graders, five for hitting a sixth grader. Currently in the lead is Nelaj Backward, with a whopping total of 135 point.

“We’ve suspended 13 boys for having their names on the P.R.I.D.E Wall, but they keep coming back to defend their title,” sixth grade teacher Mr. Footoot, said.

After countless hours of discussions this issue at the staff meeting, the teachers finally came to the conclusion they thought would be simplest and most efficientclean the boys’ bathroom, removing all traces of the P.R.I.D.E Wall.

The consequences of cleaning the wall were much more severe than anyone could

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have predicted. The custodian was found lying unconscious in the hallway, with rollerblade tracks across her arms and legs. She only suffered minor bruises and it appears she only passed out from the shock of the attack. She claims that she has no memory of the encounter.

“I am disgusted by the actions of my peers,” eighth grader, Crystal App shared.

Help us end the constant fear that theses younger students live in. take action against rollerblading in school. Put your beepers away. Only you can make a difference. Let’s not have a repeat of history.

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Knitting Team Struggles, Eliminated Harrison Maurus Mt. Baker has a long history of sports that were bad ideas in its 20 year history.

Among these were competitive Twister, Standing Still, Leapfrog and Competitive Knitting. True, these may not sound extremely interesting now; and they weren’t any more interesting then. That brings up the question of who came up with these horrible ideas for sports. The world may never know.

Although Standing Still might be considered the world’s worst sport by people with ADHD, competitive knitting was loathed by most every student in the Auburn School District. The Knitting team was formed in 1995 by sixth grade Home Economics teacher Mrs. Crochet.

Competitors would start with three skeins of multicolored yarn. They would then have to knit one scarf and two hats. The winner would be chosen by the time it took them to complete the scarf and hats and the number of mistakes made in the process. With four people to a team and the speed at which the competitors knit, the competitions would still take about five hours to finish.

Most people don’t enjoy this monotonous sport, but the few who were on the team spent four hours a day practicing. Some may think this unnecessary, but the knitting team was very passionate about their sport.

“I think that competitive knitting was the best sport ever,” former seventh grader Gabrielle Morzgan said.

Former eighth grader Hassan Magnus was greatly opposed to the new sport of knitting while he was attending Mt. Baker.

“Knitting was the epitome of horrible sports,” Magnus said.

The sport was only around for one school year due to the number of competitors needing to be transported to the ER. Paramedics were on site at all times to deal with the regular mental breakdowns caused by the repetitive patterns and the stress of the competition.

The main reason that the sport was cancelled was the tragic death of Aiden Bafer, one of the competitors. Aiden was retrieving another skein of yarn from the rack and broke one of the ultimate rules, never run with knitting needles. Aiden tripped and impaled

himself in the right shoulder with his knitting needles. Eight inches of cold steel a quarter inch thick went into his arm.

Immediately he was rushed off to the hospital and an emergency district meeting was held at the hospital. They ruled unanimously that the sport of Competitive Knitting was too dangerous and would be cancelled shortly.

Mt. Baker has had some notoriously bad competitive sports in their 20 years of existence. Let’s hope the Mt. Baker student population leaves Competitive Knitting in their past.

In recent years at MBMS, competitive knitting made a comeback with students, due in part to the revival of home economics. As a result, an intramural league was started for perspective knitters, supervised by eighth grade teacher Mrs. Crochet, a former college knitting champion. PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY H. MAURUS

ALL PHTOO COURTESY OF CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE

In what activity are you most competitive?

“Hi chuba de naga, Sie batha ne beechee?

“I love belly-flopping into mud with duckface!”

“Activities? Ain’t nobody got time for that. I’ve got bronchitis!”

“It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. What can I say? I am addicted to fitness.”

STEPHEN GREEDO

HERMIONE BOOFER

HILLARY BRONCHITIS

MR. KNIGHTON

seventh grade

eighth grade

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PHOTO ILLUSTRATED BY B. MCGRAW

Disruptive Mascots Cause Change in NFL, Horses Sign Freemin Isaiah Thissel & Brenden McGraw

Mascot Decision

Freemin Signs

Recently, NFL teams have changed their names and mascots. The NFL founders felt On Tuesday, April 1, 2014, Academy Award-winning actor Morgin Freemin signed a that the original names had been too aggressive. Therefore, Seattle’s famous Super four-year $40 million contract with the Seattle Seahorses.

Bowl winning Seahawks changed to the Seattle Seahorses.

“He narrates while he runs the ball, talking defense out of hitting him. Also he will be Other NFL teams have thought about changing their team names and mascots. replacing Morgan Loing as running back,” Seahorses’ head coach Rhys Hayzes said.

They’ve tried Washington Lincoln Memorials, Cincinnati Kittens, and Arizona Cacti, etc.

The Seahorses contacted the NFL asking them if Freemin would be able to replace There have been many rejected Seattle names as well. Such as Seattle Skippers, the announcer by simply putting a microphone in his helmet. The NFL directors are Seattle Washouts, Seattle Pigeons, and Seattle Rains. currently disputing over this conflict.

“I think that Seahorses are just so cute and loveable, the name change has appealed Freemin will be replacing George Blanda as the oldest person to ever play in the NFL. to more fans,” Seattle’s wide receiver Poppy Harvis said .

Freemin was born June 1, 1937 making him 76 years old. Blanda only made it to 48 “The newly named teams give the colors and players a new look and spice up the years old making him just over half of Freemin’s age. For every year, Freemin stays in competition between rivaling teams,” Seahorses coach Cate Pergola said . the NFL, he will be setting the record higher and higher.

After name and uniform changes teams have been talking about their rivals and how Freemin will be the new starting running back for the Seattle Seahorses. they will stack up to the competition.

“He is very slow due to his advanced age, but he The Denver Mini-Horses said that they’re exhas been doing great in practice. He told us that cited to play the Seattle Seahorses first game of he is going to make an attempt to talk players on the year. After a defeat to the Seattle Seahorses opposing teams out of hitting him, but we will only in the Super Bowl, they’re out for revenge. The know as soon as pre season begins,” Seahorses Baltimore Mockingbirds are also facing the San offensive coordinator Cian Brazent said.

Francisco 40-Whiners first game of the year Even though Freemin may currently have the during week one. worst stats of all players in the NFL, he is preWith the draft being over Seattle has lost a dicted to be sitting next to the league leaders by player. Silver Taters has signed with the Detroit the end of the upcoming season. Freemin is also House-Cats. The House-Cats have been rivaling predicted to outrun running back Aydin Perterwith the Cincinnati Kittens for the Top Cat of the sorn.

Week award. Practice has been rough. The Kittens The Seahorses belong to one of the biggest have been using new techniques such as the Cat rivalries in the NFL. Claw and Fluffy Paws tackling techniques. ”I am very excited for our first game against Seahorses have also been trying techniques. them so I can put some points on the board and The Swimming Horse has proved flawless in most importantly win,” Freemin said when asked catching and tackling opponents. With no games about the rivalry with the 40-Whiners . until next season, practices have been more According to Jan Colezan of ESPN, the Seadifficult than ever.

“I am going to work my team harder than ever horses rivalry with the 40-Whiners is currently and have them prepared for the season. The the biggest in the NFL. Swimming Horse is a sure technique to prove After last year’s Super Bowl win, Freemin has worthy of us,” Cate Pergola said . set his standards high.

Now that the 2013-2014 season has come to an “I expect we are going to have another close end, teams are preparing for the next season. season with the 40-Whiners , but I believe we are Training has intensified and games have been going to come out on top and go to the Super Bowl scheduled. With new team players and names, Freemin represents team for first time at practice April 1. next year is going to be very eventful and exciting for the second time in a row and yet again claim PHOTO ILLUSTRATED BY B. MCGRAW season. victory,” Freemin said.

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Leonardo Dicaprio is hastily promoting his latest movie, Good Night Moon, which is said to become a Broadway production after a recent play success in Chicago. PHOTO ILLISTATION BY D. ABELLERA

Destany Abellera David Yates’ (Happy Potter series) new film Good Night Moon will be the new blockbuster that everyone’s obsessed with by the end of summer.

Based on Margaret Wise Brown’s bestselling book, Yates will be including living and non-living characters that will be played by America’s favorite actors and actresses.

The basic plot of the film is about saying good night to a bedroom. The movie will be filled with action and emotion, being sure to keep the viewers on the edge of their seats and to keep true to the book.

“With our scene, we are expected to show emotion, because we are the last to be said goodnight to. Anne and I have decided that a one tear cry from each of our eyes will be the most effective method to transfer all the emotion to the audience,” actor Robert Downey Jr., staring as Noises Everywhere, said.

Not only does Yates intend to show the action and emotion of the book through the cast, but also through the setting. Almost all of the film will be placed in a Napier green bedroom, with close-up shots in particular places. Yates, along with world famous production designer David Wasco, plans to alternate scenes from color to black and white to show the personality of each item and actor.

“I believe the shifts in color will change the mood of the film from loving and fun to dark and dangerous. It will bring out the pure literature hidden beneath each page and scene,” Yates said.

Yates has made the decision to make his film without using any special effects, mak-

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ing the actors and actresses job a little harder, being that they are playing the role of inanimate objects. The only human character of the movie will be played by Hana Mae Lee as the Quite Lady.

“I’m considered important because I play the only human part in the movie, but I’m also lonely. All I have around me is a bowl of mush [Leonardo Dicaprio] and a brush [Fabio Lanzoni],” said Lee, who is most known for her part in Pitch Not Perfect as the Quiet Woman.

As a two hour long movie, each role will be shown in a significant amount of time, bringing this 32-page picture book to life. Approximately all 12 parts will be on screen for ten minutes each.

“I am confident in my role as the cow, so I love the ten minute screen time although; I do not appreciate having to jump over Johnny Depp [Moon] for that long. I have to do some strengthening of my legs to ensure I can clear a 5-foot-tall jump,” actor Jim Carry said .

With Good Night Moon already being talked about and tickets being pre-ordered, the sequel, Good Morning Sun, a David Yates original, is said to be released in 2019 and is expected to warm the heart of the viewers.

Disclaimer: The actors mentioned in the article above have been mentioned sar-

castically. They did not actually participate in the events.

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COURTESY OF CREATIVE COMMONS Isaiah Thissel Disney's Pixar has created a worldwide phenomenon, stringing movies together and connecting character.

One character has the answer in this version of the Pixar Theory.

His name is Emperor Zerg; he created Allinol in the Cars and Planes films, and Buy 'N' Large in Wall-E and Toy Story. Zerg decided to create these brands when he noticed how global warming was affecting his world.

It was all planned in the comfort of his home world; Pixar Studios.

"I, Emperor Zerg have created low-cost energy efficient batteries and gasoline products," Zerg said.

Emperor Zerg believed slowing down and even stopping global warming may help cure the melting toys dilemma. Worldwide, in the Disney Pixar world, toys have been melting at a rapid pace. Recently, Toy Story’s Buzz Lightyear has passed away. He was vacationing on a Galapagos Island when suddenly he melted into the pavement. Over 100 residents of the Galapagos Islands stepped on Buzz. He suffered severe shoe scuff marks and gum splatters.

“I miss Buzz so much,” said Woody, “I miss his little action wings and loveable catch phrases,” said Woody from Toy Story.

Wall-E, the robot, has also seen the harmful effect of global warming; it caused him to be left on planet Earth to clean and sort the garbage in search for life.

After carefully nursing a plant, he crept onto Emperor Zerg's giant Buy 'N' Large ship. He saved human civilization and allowed a place for them to go back. But not after revealing a clue to Emperor Zerg’s plan.

Buzz Lightyear was also powered with Buy 'N' Large batteries as well as the distinctive large ship that the fleeing humans were in. Zerg has been helping slow down the process of global warming and its harmful effect.

This leads us to Boo from Monsters Inc. They used her in more than one movie for expenses. She plays in Brave as the old witch that became obsessed with finding Sully. She was obviously a little crazy; the fumes from the polluted air changed her brain frequency. Boo was now a crazy witch that could time travel.

“I love Boo, if she is the one causing this entire crisis I want her fired,” said eighth grader Maliki Zerdkcoff.

Due to Pixar’s budget cuts, Boo, Rapunzel, and many more characters had to be reused or fired. Rapunzel is

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PHOTO COURTESY OF GOOGLE IMAGES VIA THE CREATIVE COMMONS LICENSE

seen walking with Flynn into the kingdom in the movie Frozen. She is hard to find because, due to budget cuts, she had to cut her hair. Boo is no longer a part of the Disney Pixar Staff.

The budget cuts all lead back to global warming; Pixar has bought all solar power electricity panels and have been changing waste habits. This has cost millions of dollars. Almost 15 Disney parks have been closed due to

this shortage of money.

Emperor Zerg is helping the global warming dilemma and Disney helping out with the global energy crisis. The global Pixar brand shall be restored to former glory.

With Boo changing history there’s no telling what lies ahead for Disney Pixar Movies and there hidden messages. But the global warming will help us find out.

B C T Y T T E K L S D P Q Q Y WL WV T Z S Y J Y T N O U E L Z Q B K MX R Z F C R K

V N O R D N Z B G U A A S Y

O K Q W W Z P I R X O X T U

S I Z G Y R L L U R S J Y S

R W D K K E G L S W S B L I

X G E I S H M U W W I M C I

X E H J K N O G D Q X O M H

H Z T W U U J R P T E N F I

T Q A E Y Z O J A A C P N J

U M B E G O K E J L F B K Z

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I M O O V O X X G L T W J G

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Trends to Talk About at MBMS Hailey Bragg

Three classes provided their opinions on popular trends sweeping through Mt. Baker. Students were given an option of two choices for each trend. The Chronicle staff provided the commentary, dividing results by gender.

Stuff

Things

Math homework

It's no shock that stuff is more popular with the students here at Baker, male and female. Everyone knows that things are so out.

Just think about it. If you were given the choice to have stuff or things, you would pick stuff. No one wants things anymore, that was so 2013. If you chose things, bless your heart.

"I use [stuff] more than things," seventh grader Jose Mendoza said. I think this is true for everyone, not just students at Baker.

Statistics show that last year 73 percentof American teenagers preferred things, and last year dropped to 32 percent. Things are out, and stuff is in.

Laptops

Lemonade

When given the choice between laptops and lemonade, a majority of our students chose laptops. This could be because laptops are highly entertaining and also a way to connect with friends, while lemonade is simply a beverage commonly made by optimists.

However, I believe that these results are not because of a love for laptops, but a hatred for lemonade. I suspect that the true reason behind this is that lemonade is pure evil. Lemonade is made from lemons, and lemons are the acidic tears of baby naked mole rats. When life hands you lemons, you throw them back as fast as you can.

You don’t need that evil in your life.

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Having lemon juice poured into paper cuts

We've all heard students complain about having large amounts of homework, math in particular, but we never knew how much they hated it until the results from our surveys came back.

The students here at Baker would rather have lemon juice poured into paper cuts than complete a night of math homework. Think about that. They would prefer a form of mild torture over approximately fifty math problems.

Baker students have their minds in the right place, making the logical choice. I'd be concerned if they chose math. You know the saying, when life hands you lemons, pour them into your paper cuts.

Concussions

What was I saying?

Almost all the students said that they did not prefer concussions. This is nothing to joke about, concussions are very serious.

Teens who have suffered from a concussion often feel slowed down, have concentration issues on long lists, headaches, impaired vision, nausea, issues remembering things, sensitivity to light and noise (Are you still concentrating?), trouble balancing, low energy, are emotional and moody, overly sad, and suffer a number of other defects.

Teenage athletes sustain 29 percent of all sports related concussions.

We understand that concussions are very serious, and‌ wait, what was I saying?

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GRINDS My

GEARS Gobindroop Mann, Miranda Fernandez, Evelin Laris. Ryan Hess

All graphics in feature courtesy of MS Clipart

What

Disagree? The segment ‘What Grinds My Gears’ is presented as opinion and does not express the views of all MBMS students or The Canine Chronicle. If you would like to express your opinion, write us a letter, and you may be published in our next edition.

You know what grinds my gears? ”Socking”. It is so immature and uncalled for to pull down someone’s new Nike socks not only because it looks stupid but also because the person who is wearing the socks most likely spent a whole 10 minutes putting up their socks perfectly.

It’s like doing your hair for 10 minutes and going to school looking your best, only to have some hooligan ruffle your hair because he thinks it makes him/her look cool. Not only that but the people who finally received their new $12 socks won’t wear them anymore because they don’t want to go through the annoyance of pulling up their socks over and over again.

My advice for “sockers”? GET A LIFE! You aren’t going to become popular or anything because you annoy a person to the point that they want to rip your face off! Think about what you’re doing; you are pulling down someone’s socks because you think it’s funny. That’s as dumb as “flat-tiring” someone in the hallways.

THANKFULLY most teachers came to their senses and assigned lunch detentions to the buffoons who were socking each other.

Hopefully this fad will stop soon.

–Gobindroop Mann

Do you know what really grinds my gears? When people chew with their mouth open! Can you just close your mouth and chew… it’s not that difficult?!

Don’t even get me started on how it sounds; I mean seriously, do you have any manners?!

Especially when people in the lunchroom think they are all cool by eating with their mouth open while teasing their friends. It’s just plain GROSS when you do that, at least put your hand on top of your mouth so we don’t see any of that stuff.

If it’s gum, cereal, chips, mash potatoes, pizza (okay, I’m going to stop because we're grossing ourselves out), please don’t. I mean we are glad you are enjoying it, but we would all prefer to neither hear it, nor see it.

Also, when people call you and they are eating, I don’t know about you, but my stomach gets very queasy.

When I was little, my mother would always stress on telling me to chew with my mouth closed. Even though when people tell them to stop they don't or get automatically mad.

That's why when I’m with my friends, no one eats with their mouths open in lunch.

Beware when I’m around!

Do you know what really grinds my gears? Procrastinators.

Like seriously, are you unable to finish your work on time?

Come on! It’s not that difficult to do people?!

Like when you have to turn in a book report.

For example, and the teacher says, “If we have 100% completion, you will have Friday’s 30 minutes left of class for free time,”, there’s always two or four people who slack off and don’t finish what they start!

Also, there always that kid that never turns in his work on time but then eventually is ACTUALLY doing it like a whole month later?! Seriously people, you’re killing me, you’re really killing me!

Whatever, I have other things to do instead of yapping all day of the stupidity of slackers; I’ll finish tomorrow, or maybe the next day?!

That’s what grinds my gears.

Do you want to know what grinds my gears? FLYING squirrels. These creatures are abominations of nature. They’re supposed to be land animals, but they can FLY! Not only are these monstrosities as evil as normal squirrels, but they now have the power to hunt you while in the air. They are the perfect aerial assault squad.

While taking a nice stroll in the woods, your day would be ruined by these unnatural beasts. They would bombard your head with giant peanuts. While trying to escape, you would only be confronted by another furry demon.

They will capture you and force you to reveal the locations of every nut on earth. The squirrel army will keep you hostage until they are satisfied with your contributions to their society.

They will let you go free as a peace offering to the world. However, once you are free, they will start their rampage. The planet will watch as they take control of the world. There is nothing we can do to stop them.

That, my fellow humans, is what grinds my gears.

-Miranda Fernandez

-Evelin Laris

—Ryan Hess

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Best Fake Coverage in Auburn