The Quibbler Clifton College Edition

DEATH EATERS ON THE LOOSE! WHAT’S IN A NAME? UNDERCOVER IN THE MUGGLE WORLD BERTOLT MUGGERIDGE IN PERFORMANCE ENHANCING SPELLS SCANDAL?!

HUGE ESCAPE FROM AZKABAN 28 DEATH EATERS HAVE ESCAPED FROM AZKABAN. “DEMENTORS ARE OUT OF CONTROL. THEY HAVE ATTACKED THREE MUGGLES “ SAID THE MINISTTRY OF MAGIC.

By Simon Hormiere Marquie

the Auror ’s and the

NEWS EDITOR

Detective’s Office.

SECURITY FOR EACH WIZARD

Of

If you

course,

we

will

see death eat- hang WANTED posters going in any direc- ers everywhere in tion, immediately tell Hogsmeade.

AZKABAN

the Auror’s Office. Try not to leave the house when it’s getting dark.

If

you

think

your

DEMONTORS

friend, cousin etc. is not acting as

normal,

tell the Protection and Detective office.

If you see the Dark

DEATH EATERS

Mark floating over a house, DON’T GO IN! Immediately

in form

DARK MARK

THE MUGGLE WORLD

By William Weddfoot

to Miss Toadsonder for submit-

FOREIGN CORRESPONDENT

ting the comical name Mr. Pafford.

I have been working undercover at Clifton College, under the name William Fothergill, to find out more about the strange world of muggles.

This week, I have been learning about bizarre muggle

surnames. If I were to say to you the name Lovegood or Longbottom you would probably find these to be perfectly normal names. But in the muggle world we have such laughable names as Mrs Denning and Mrs Jones. These are not even

But my own personal favourite is a music teacher named Mr. Hills, how ridiculous is that?! His name only has one syllable! (Thank you to Mr. Bigfeet) In the wizarding world we like to have both the first and last names starting with the same letter, Luna Lovegood for instance, but this person Angharad Williams? A and W are on the opposite sides of the alphabet! How can they be in the same name?

the worst! A wizard last week sent me a letter telling me of a Mr. Sibley, how stupid is that?!

Thanks to Mr. Flowerflatulence for that and equal thanks

NEXT WEEK we explain muggle “electricity� .

ANOTHER TRIWIZARD TOURNAMENT?

By Manon Lamy, EDUCATION CORRESPONDENT

For the past few weeks some rumours had been flying around from the Minister of Magic to every Wizard’s house in England, Ireland and Scotland, that the Minister might have tried to put in place another Triwizard Tournament.

Yesterday, the Minister of Magic confirmed that the Triwizard Tournament will be taking place this year in The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Hogwarts agreed to hold the tournament so that the hosts can compete. The two hosts are the BeauxBatons Academy of Magic and the Dumstrang School of Wizardry.

Of course, you might remember that the last tournament didn't

go as well as the Ministry wanted it to go. You might remember that The Cup did not choose three wizards, but four.

This year, the competition will be open to students aged fourteen and over. The revealing of the Tournament's players will take place on 31st October. The professors are determined to put as much security into the event as possible. The first task will be held on 2nd December in Hogwarts school. If you want to watch you will receive a warm welcome.

HOUSE-ELF SPOTS BLIBBERING HUMDINGER IN HOGWARTS HALLS!!!

Exclusive interview by

Xeno: Spewy? Oh you must mean

Xenophilius Lovegood, EDITOR and

S.P.E.W! The “Society for the Promotion

Nola Balogun, SUB-EDITOR

of Elfish Welfare”.

Bunsten: Yes Spewy! Earlier she came to disturb Bunsten when Bunsten was help-

Xeno: Welcome Bunsten! It’s such a

ing to cook supper. Trying to get us to

pleasure getting to hear about your find- sign a protest sheet and start house-elf ings on the illustrious Blibbering Humunion. Bah! dinger. Go ahead, my assistant, shall

catch everything you say.

Bunsten: Thank you sir. Bunsten is very pleased to be of assistance to you sir.

But…

Xeno: But you said you saw a furry purple creature? And your ears disappeared!

Bunsten: No, no, no. Bunsten said that we chase her to the main hallway, when there was a purple flash and loud bang.

Xeno: So let’s get started right away.

Bunsten’s hearing is bad because it was

We’re all excited to hear about your en-

too loud and Bunsten is very old house-

counter with the creature. Tell us, did it

elf. We think it was a prank from the

make your ears explode?

young wizards.

Bunsten: No sir. And Bunsten wanted to Xeno: No, no, I’m sure you’re mistaken. talk to you about that Madame Granger! But no worries, I shall find it. It was a Bunsten is frustrated! She never let Bun- pleasure speaking to you. Toodle-loo! sten and other house-elves be! She keeps trying to get us to join Spewy! Saying house-elves have rights. But we happy as Bunsten: Where are you going?! Wait! we is!

ASTROLOGY ~HOROSCOPES

By Zara Pickles ASTROLOGER The system of using the relative positions of celestial bodies including the sun, moon and planets to try and predict future events or gain insight into personality, relationships and health.

MUGGLES draw a chart called a personal chart showing positions of planets at the time of a muggle’s birth, birthdays, and their past, present and almost future.

Gryffindors born under a sign that also have very short fuses, and can be expected to fight regularly with other students, over ethical questions or over anything else that makes a good excuse. Since Mars is a planet that encourages war games and competition and bursts of physical activity, there may be many Quidditch players born under these aspects.

The first night the children arrive at the school, they are allocated a house, chosen by the Sorting Hat according to their character. For some children, the choice is obvious, but for others the Sorting Hat needs to think quite hard. For example, in Harry’s case, the Hat wavers between Slytherin

and Gryffindor before finally plumping for the latter.

The houses correspond roughly to the four suits.

Slytherin – water – cups – melancholic – feeling Gryffindor – fire – wands – choleric – intuition Hufflepuff – earth – pentacles – phlegmatic – sensation Ravenclaw – air – swords – sanguine – thinking

LETTERS Compiled by SUB-EDITORS Bryony Salter mitory, or while in the infirmary on an exand Polina Maloshchinskaia

tended stay with the nurse. These are the private areas of the castle

~

And most importantly, in light of a new

Dear Editor,

years, the following things are NOT permit-

“punk” madness in the Gryffindor upper ted as casual wear:

Professor Dumbledore would like to remind

all students of

the

clothing

re-

strictions: Whilst in the castle:

1. Exceptionally tight, short, ripped, baggy, or revealing clothing, excessive bling or piercings, exposed tattoos, spikes, goth paraphernalia, collars, chains and the like 2. Shirts with logos that advertise muggle drugs, alcohol, bands, or have other offen-

Boys must wear…

1. Brown, black, or grey or other DARK

coloured trousers 2. A white or cream coloured shirt with a collar (not a tank, t-shirt or other casual shirt) 3. A House Jumper (sweater) or similar grey jumper 4. House Robes and scarf (optional) 5. Dark coloured shoes or trainers/sneakers

sive

artwork

or

slogans

on

them

3. Professors and other adult members of

the Hogwarts community can point out and restrict anything else deemed to be disruptive or a safety hazard at any time Thank you for your consideration.

Minerva McGonagal

~ Dear Tom,

Girls must wear…

1. Same as for boys, but in addition they

Happy Birthday! I’ve left a muggle family

in the cellar for you, have fun! Also if you are permitted to wear knee length or longer look out of the window, there are your faskirts in the same colours (please also wear vourite skull-and-serpent fireworks. Long glitch plants if there is no skirt base under- live the Lord! neath) With Love and Awe, 2. Public areas of the castle are anywhere that is not your house common room, dor- Bella

BERTOLT MUGGERIDGE – LEGEND OR LOSER?

By Barney Pite SPORTS EDITOR The acclaimed Chudley Chaser, Mr Mudderidge has recently revealed in a personal interview with our sporting correspondent that he used performance enhancing spells to improve his quidditch skills during his rise to international fame. The chaser, who scored 51 goals in 8 appearances last season, was noticed at the age of 16 by a Cannons scout, and was quickly bought by the league 1 outfit.

them. They are explicitly banned by the Quidditch Association, and I don't want to risk my career.'

We aren't sure if we believe this. The Chudley Cannons, who won the league last year only to have their world class Beater, Costel Iguanascu die at the hands of an angry warlock, rely greatly on Muggeridge's goals, but in recent games he has been prone to bouts of aggression, including one remarkable incident in which the Cornwall international cursed his opposite number so hard that the poor player now smells But he revealed to the Quibbler permanently of radishes. Has Mugthat he regularly enchanted himself geridge slipped back into cheating during the start of his career so as ways? We want to hear your opinion. to improve his balance, agility and aggression during the game. Can this Owl us at be true?

18 Urquhart Place Diagon Ally, 'Of course I used charms to improve London my skills,' he said to us, 'everyone did. It was part of the sport, back then. Of course, as soon as I broke into the Cannons, I stopped using

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