HIDDEN IN PLAIN BITE: INSIDE PENN'S EXCLUSIVE Speakeasy

ARTICLE BY REBECCA JIANG

Another fall in full swing at the University of Pennsylvania. As I sit on my couch scrolling through Instagram stories, my screen begins to flip through pictures of perfectly plated pasta dishes, edamame dumplings with a neatly placed location stamp on the top right — “Buddakan” — and all too familiar videos of the table display with the glare of the iPhone flashlight. It’s that time of year again. Philadelphia Restaurant Week.

Eager Penn students flock downtown to sample the city’s iconic fare and defend their self-proclaimed titles as “foodies.” But what many don’t know is that there are numerous hidden Restaurant Week spots right on Penn’s campus. The board of the Center City District has partnered with Penn to launch restaurant week menus that only students have access to at their premier, speakeasy-style restaurants. To top it off, their prices are reduced from the regular $40 pre-fixed amount that commoners must pay at other locations to a mere $17!

One lies right at the corner of 38th and

PHOTOS BY KATHERINE KIM

Locust Walk. Just walk into the large white building across from Kelly Writers’ House and you enter a puzzling lobby that at first, looks like an Amazon package pick up facility. But there’s actually a secret restaurant upstairs! Getting in requires a subtle signal to one of the receptionists below each staircase — a wink and a tap of a PennCard. Upon their approval, you can then ascend the stairs to find a gorgeous well-lit seating area with tables for any mood — round tables with a floor-to-ceiling view of the University City skyline, elevated booths that transport you to a quintessential New York City 24-hour diner, and even bar seating for those that prefer to enjoy their meal alone. But what really stands out about this venue is the food. They have a rotating menu featuring delights that are sure to top the Beli leaderboards. Where else can you find premium cuts of blackened tilapia slowroasted for 24 hours under a special lamp? Just wait until you nestle those filets next to the salad bar’s wilted mixed greens and shredded cheddar, thoughtfully aged in the finest plastic bins from fall 2021. If you’re feeling adventurous, guests can ladle the soup du jour from mystery vats in the corner of the room. Or for a fancy touch, they offer water with notes of pineapple pulp that almost, almost tastes like Dom Pérignon.

Of course, this unique gastronomical experience would garner uncontrollable crowds if it was released to the public. To keep it a secret amongst the ones who know its true value, Penn has hired ambassadors scattered across the student body to purposefully downgrade the restaurant’s quality and spread negative word of mouth around campus. Some key phrases they frequently use to refer to it include “horrible dining plan”, “causes food poisoning”, and “I once saw a mouse run across the floor.” Don’t let these remarks fool you. They’re purely there to gatekeep a once-in-a-lifetime dining experience that you won’t want to miss!

*Include some sort of disclaimer that this is satirical so Penn doesn’t come for me