Penmen Press Volume XXVII April Fools Issue

Volume XXVII

Appril Fools Issue

April 1, 2021

penmenpress.com

THE

PRESSED PENMEN We’re Beyond Pressed

06

07

08

Kim K. And Adam Sandler Fight For SNHU President

SNHU is Moving Forward with a Rebrand

Beavers Invade SNHU for Free Real Estate

2 | News

MEET THE

STAFF Co-Editor-in-Chief Grace Mage

Co-Editor-in-Chief Daniel Hopler

Business Manager

Events Manager

Marketing Manager

Sports Editor

Senior Copy Editor

News Co-Editor

News Co-Editor

Lifestyle Editor

Layout Editor

Online Manager

A&E/Opinion Editor

Faculty Adviser

Julie Armstrong

Bailey Arnold-Fuchs

Hailey Tremaine

Eliza Fandel

Stefan Karlberg

Ryan Barrett

Kyle Griffin

Andrew Wilson

Now Hiring!

Sofia Barassi

Now Hiring!

Jon Boroshok

The Penmen Press | 3

THIS MONTH’S

EVENTS

Tuesday, April 6

Wednesday, April 14

Friday, April 23

CAPE Early Morning Podcast

CAPES Small Money Bingo

Joe Exotic Meet and Greet

Come join CAPE’s first student Podcast!

With your host Leo, Nick and Justin introducing themselves, why they chose SNHU and their SNHU experiences.

Come to Bingo for a chance to win some small prizes!

Get in touch with your wild side! Meet wildcat collector Joe Exotic and stick around to socialize with the tigers.

10:00AM - 11:00AM

Wednesday, April 7 CAPES Small Money Bingo 8:00PM - 9:00PM

Come to Bingo for a chance to win some small prizes!

8:00PM - 9:00PM

Tuesday, April 20 CAPE Early Morning Podcast 10:00AM - 11:00AM

Come join CAPE’s first student Podcast!

With your host Leo, Nick and Justin introducing themselves, why they chose SNHU and their SNHU experiences.

3:00PM - 4:00PM

Plague Party

10:00PM - 11:00PM No masks! Free hugs for everyone and all hand sanitizer is replaced with pond scum.

Tuesday, April 27

Beaver Block Party

Wednesday, April 21

CAPE Early Morning Podcast

Join the new SNHU residents for a one of a kind block party on Victory Lane in celebration of international Beaver Day!

CAPES Small Money Bingo

Come join CAPE’s first student Podcast!

With your host Leo, Nick and Justin introducing themselves, why they chose SNHU and their SNHU experiences.

11:00PM - 2:00AM

Tuesday, April 13 CAPE Early Morning Podcast 10:00AM - 11:00AM

Come join CAPE’s first student Podcast!

With your host Leo, Nick and Justin introducing themselves, why they chose SNHU and their SNHU experiences.

Virtual Rap Battle: Kim Kardashian VS. Adam Sandler 9:00PM - 10:00PM

Join the two runner ups for SNHU President in an epic rap battle! Who will win?

8:00PM - 9:00PM

Come to Bingo for a chance to win some small prizes!

Hamster Ball Luncheon 12:00PM - 1:00PM

Enjoy lunch served by Sodexo while navigaing obstacle courses in state of the art human-sized hamster balls patented

by CETA students.

10:00AM - 11:00AM

Wednesday, April 28 CAPES Small Money Bingo 8:00PM - 9:00PM

Come to Bingo for a chance to win some small prizes!

Thursday, April 29 Ice Cream Blind Tasting: Mint Chip or Toothpaste?

3:00PM - 4:00PM

Take part in the discussion that split the Pressed Penmen for good! Can you distinquish mint chip ice cream from toothpaste?

4 | News

News

The Penmen Press | 5

SNHU to Become a Community College Julie Armstrong Business Manager SNHU President Paul LeBlanc has announced his plans to convert SNHU into a community college.

LeBlanc’s announcement came on March 10, in light of the Biden Administration’s push for free community college.

“We have to get this done. And we have to do it now. That’s why we’re going to make sure that everyone has access to free community college and training programs,” stated First Lady Jill Biden in a YouTube video posted in February.

With this in mind, LeBlanc has announced SNHU will cut tuition rates, stating that he trusts in Biden’s stimulus bill, acknowledging that the bill has two years to play out.

Innovation Scholars, a subset of the three-year program for Business Administration and Hospitality,

will be qualified for reduced tuition, along with any undergraduate student who has achieved over half of their required credits. To continue a degree program at SNHU, the remaining student population is required to abide by the previous tuition rates that were reduced by 50 percent.

“No student is paying more out of pocket than they were before,” says LeBlanc.

LeBlanc expressed his desire for the entire student body to receive a good education without the hassle of paying loans. With this recent decision, undergraduate and graduates will have the option to stay online, since SNHU’s campus will only be open for classes. Students under the mandate to pay reduced tuition rates will have the named and

endowed and merit scholarships at their disposals.

With no 100 percent assurance that the vaccine will work, LeBlanc has stated, students “will be able to be back on campus with some relative version of normalcy.” This normalcy has been translated into meaning that students can not live on campus and will only be allowed inside the Dining Center and classrooms dedicated to hands-on training.

Students majoring in the following degrees will be required to stay on campus: Aeronautics & Aviation, Engineering, Technology, and Art & Design.

Students who do not live in New Hampshire are recommended to remain online if they can not afford to live in a rented space outside of SNHU.

Southern New Hampshire Community College. (image courtesy: Kyle Griffin)

6 | News

Kim Kardashian And Adam Sandler Fight For SNHU President Position Elizabeth Lemieux Staff Writer

Kim Kardashian vs Adam Sandler. (image courtesy: Happy Madison Productions and Kim Kardashian Phenomenal Blog)

What do Kim Kardashian and Adam Sandler have in common?

They’re both determined to take the mantle as new SNHU President.

A week after acting SNHU President Paul LeBlanc announced his upcoming retirement, Sandler appeared on the Manchester campus to proclaim he would be running for the position.

When asked by an adjunct professor why they should listen to someone with no administration experience at the school, Sandler said, “Well, I have

a microphone and you don’t, so you will have to listen to every damn word I have to say.” His crowd of supporters gave a roaring sign of approval but not everyone was convinced.

“He’s from New England, sure. He’s got that going for him,” said Nick Spitz, an SNHU public safety officer. “You just have to be realistic here. This guy has zero knowledge of how to run a school.

Also, his movies suck.”

Upon further research, it was discovered that Sandler and Spitz were

up for the same role back in the day when they auditioned to play Schecky Moskowitz in “Going Overboard.”

Evidently, Sandler got the role.

Kim Kardashian announced her bid for SNHU President on March 31 through a Facebook Live Event.

Oprah, known for her years of fame as a talk show host and her recent interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, sat down with Kim to discuss her ideas and intentions while running for the open position.

“I’d be foolish not to take some of the opportunities that are coming my way,” Kardashian said of her reasons for trying something so unusual from her normal projects.

Upon Kim’s announcement, Sandler took to Twitter to express his concern. Kim shamelessly replied to Sandler’s tweets and soon a fandom war broke out on the platform.

“At least Kim has business experience. Adam Sandler just sucks,” one person tweeted.

“Native New Englander all the way IMO. #StandWithSandler,” tweeted another.

Only time will tell who will find themselves as SNHU President. It may not be either of them. One thing is for sure: both Kim and Sandler are determined to win this title, and anything is possible.

Debate Over Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream Divides Penmen Press Taylor Posik Staff Writer A heated debate broke out during a Penmen Press weekly meeting over ice cream preferences. Lines have been drawn amongst Press members as they discussed their opinions on mint

chocolate chip ice cream, leading to a temporary halt to the production of the most recent issue.

“I saw a meme comparing mint chip ice cream to toothpaste and shared

it with everyone on Press because I thought it would be interesting to talk about. I didn’t expect it to cause a war. Most of my peeps turned against me. I did not see this coming,”

The Penmen Press | 7

says Grace Mage, Penmen Press Co-Editor-in-Chief.

Meanwhile, Daniel Hopler, Penmen Press Co-Editor-In-Chief, was missing from the Press meeting and has been silent regarding his preference throughout the dispute. However, rumors have circulated that Hopler has been messaging Press members on both sides, further stirring the flames of conflict. A Press who asked to remain anonymous even quoted Hopler as saying, “’I’m a fan of whatever makes Grace’s life more difficult.’”

During the virtual meeting, two

breakout rooms were created by Mage on RingCentral. One room was for mint chocolate chip ice cream lovers, the other for haters. Both groups refused to work with anyone in the opposite group until someone conceded.

“I’m gonna say that I love mint chip ice cream. Why people think it’s the same thing as eating toothpaste astounds me, because they’re not the same,” says Hailey Tremaine, Penmen Press Layout Editor.

While the debate was going on, Penmen Press Staff Writer, Elizabeth

Lemieux, failed to choose a side and was kicked out of the meeting. Penmen Press Photography Editor, Kyle Griffin, also refused to get involved.

“It’s just ice cream. I don’t really see why everyone is splitting into groups over something so pointless. Plus, I’m not really a fan of the brain freeze aspect of eating ice cream,” says Griffin, who left in the middle of the meeting.

Whether the Penmen Press will survive after the argument is questionable, but it is unlikely that there will be a school newspaper after this semester.

SNHU is Moving Forward With a Rebrand Hailey Tremaine Layout Editor According to an email sent by SNHU Marketing and Communications, an official decision has been made in favor of a rebrand for SNHU’s visual identity based on survey responses from students and staff.

SNHU will be moving forward with the long-awaited rebrand with the hopes of including the new imagery, iconography, and colors in their next visual campaign. In the email containing the survey, SNHU stated that they “have an opportunity to modernize [their] visual assets and have created some new options based on the university community’s prior feedback.”

The four options were all received enthusiastically by both students and staff, and while most found it hard to pick just one as their favorite, an overwhelming majority of survey responses favored the logo icon resembling an abstract fountain pen tip.

This new logo pays much more respect to the image of the quill that SNHU holds dear, standing above the current logo of the quill that most people confuse with a leaf. One response from the anonymous survey states, “the current logo never made any sense. This new logo perfectly resembles a fountain pen, the identity of this university, and feels more like SNHU than what we currently have.”

Although the SNHU campus has

The new Southern New Hampshire University logo. (image courtesy: SNHU Marketing and Communications) undergone a tremendous amount of work in the past few years to display more of its visual identity in the environment, there are now plans to rebrand and match the new icon and colors of the SNHU brand. Most buildings will be undergoing interior paint jobs, especially focusing on classrooms. The new colors of the SNHU brand are staying blue and yellow, but they’re much more rich and dark. The famous SNHU Bus will also be seeing new colors as it prepares for its next diploma-delivering journey.

Externally, the entrances of campus will have their signs torn down to be replaced with new ones containing the updated logo and typography. The archway that stands in the middle of the campus by the main crosswalk will

also see similar treatment. All of these changes are planned to be completed before students return in the fall.

The SNHU Bookstore also plans on removing any regalia or merchandise that contains the outdated quill icon.

They have already started stocking their shelves with fun and modern clothing, office supplies, and more that display the fountain pen tip design. The bookstore has already seen a surplus in orders for the new merchandise.

Finally, SNHU Athletics has taken into consideration that their logo of Petey the Penmen should also be revamped. While no visuals have surfaced to date, there is talk of following with the abstract approach of the new logo.

8 | News

Beavers Invade SNHU for Free Real Estate Devin Pouliot Staff Writer

Free Real Estate Guy. (image courtesy: imgflip) Since Covid-19 shut down the SNHU campus nearly a year ago, the public knowledge of all students and staff is that the campus lies abandoned and quiet. What faculty and students do not know is President Paul LeBlanc and other university administrators have been covering up vital and shocking information. SNHU has come under invasion by thwhate external threat of beavers.

Lured by the promise of free real estate, thousands of beavers swarmed to the SNHU campus for what they call “The Great Land Steal of 2020.”

“It’s all thanks to Mr. Guy,” Bucktooth “Bucky” Beaver said (‘24). “He’s the one who approached us first and said he had some land we might be interested in.”

Mr. Guy, born Free Realestate Guy, is an international real estate agent who recently rose to fame with his promotion of the idea of free real estate. When asked why he chose to sell the SNHU campus to beavers, he

said he felt bad letting such prime land go to waste when there are those in need of homes that could use the space.

“No one was using the land and the beavers need land. So, I was like ‘hey! It’s free real estate,’” Mr. Guy said.

For years, beavers have come under the threat of habitat loss due to recent land conflicts with human expansion and settlement growth.

As a result, many beaver families have been displaced and without a home.

“We were beginning to lose hope we would ever find a new home,” Beatrice Beaver, mother of six, said (‘98). “But when Mr. Guy came to us, it was like we were being offered a second chance.”

While the beavers have been provided with a safe new space to live, this new population living on campus has come with an unfortunate side effect of devastation to the trees surrounding the SNHU campus.

As beavers need an ample supply of wood for their homes and dam building projects, the numerous beavers have started using the local resources at an alarming rate, leading to massive eco-devastation in the surrounding area. The woods surrounding Hampton Hall have been completely deforested to allow an unprecedented, unblocked view of the Dining Hall from the dorm building.

With President LeBlanc’s message, in a recent interview, that SNHU will be opening its campus to students again, only time will tell how relations between students and SNHU’s new residents will fare.

“We aren’t willing to give up our newly acquired land,” Bucktooth Beaver said (‘24). “But we are willing to negotiate terms with the university’s administration on shared custody of the land.

Barring catastrophe, SNHU will be transitioning from a completely online format to on-campus learning in the fall of 2021.

The Penmen Press | 9

Students Discover Lost Time Capsule What They Found Inside Taylor Posik Staff Writer A time capsule was uncovered on campus by two students, Chain Reaction Club President, Kevin Dace and Jayden Barly, ‘22, during spring break.

“We were bored, so we decided to make our own time capsule and bury it for future students to find.

We figured outside Frost [Hall] was the perfect place to hide it. As we were digging, that was when we discovered the capsule,” says Dace.

The capsule is engraved with the year 1932, when SNHU was established. Within the box were a quill and ink, an acceptance letter to the previously titled New Hampshire Accounting and Secretarial School, and a few coins dating back to 1904.

“There was also a treasure map,” says Barly. “It gives directions in riddle form that would lead to the treasure. And on the bottom corner

were initials - H.A.B.S.” The initials on the map are the same as SNHU’s founder, Harry Alfred Benjamin Shapiro. However, the map does not give any hints as to what might be hidden.

Theories among students have sparked as they try to guess what could be buried. An ongoing debate has started on social media platforms as students choose sides.

Some students have even created Instagram profiles for people to submit their ideas.

“I’ve received a lot of responses that explain what people think the capsule could have. So far, a lot of people assume Shapiro is hiding stolen treasure,” says Ellie Wilberg, ‘24.

As students continue to speculate, the capsule has since been handed over to Public Safety.

“We don’t know where this

map will lead to, so it’s in the best interest for all staff and students to steer clear,” says Director of Public Safety, Jim Winn. “We found one student in a place they shouldn’t be, and that was only President LeBlanc’s office. Who knows how far someone will go before they get hurt.”

Public safety has cracked down on security as student residents scavenge for the hidden treasure.

Although the treasure’s location remains a mystery, a bond has been welded among students as they continue remote learning.

“Leaving a time capsule for future generations is an amazing legacy. Who knows what could be stashed on campus,” says Dace.

Students who want to submit their own memories for the 20202021 time capsule can check out the Penmen Weekly to learn more.

Old Treasure Map. (image courtesy: Ubisoft)

10 | Sports

Sports

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DII Football Team Has Been Added: First in SNHU History Jordan Sanger Staff Writer

SNHU announces a historic, first-ever football team the Scriveners. (image courtesy: Jordan Sanger) Southern New Hampshire University announces their first-ever DII football team. Over spring break 2021, Anthony Fallacaro, director of athletics and recreation at SNHU, made a statement introducing SNHU’s brand new team with a brand new team name: The Scriveners.

“It is time our school is represented not only on the fields and courts but also in a football stadium,” says associate director of athletics, Tom Wilkins.

SNHU’s athletic department has begun the Penmen Stadium transformation to a multipurpose field, which will include more fan seating and the required regulations for a football field. Spray paint will be added to the turf to complete its transformation. Since the field will be undergoing a significant amount of change, the school board has decided to rename the once “Penmen Stadium” to Petey’s Playground.

After COVID-19 caused SNHU students to lose almost a year and a half of campus life, local residents and restaurant owners came together to raise over five million dollars to help fund the Petey’s Playground conversion.

To thank them for their efforts, there will be a tribute to both The Puritan and Tucker’s restaurants, on the back of the new football uniforms.

The newly appointed head coach, Jon Boroshok, more commonly known as JB, will be holding tryouts for the Scriveners on August 8 at the new and improved Petey’s Playground. The Scriveners’ official practice schedule will be released on August 14.

To celebrate the newly formed team, the athletic department has decided to give the Scriveners a new logo. This, along with the team name, is inspired by none other than Petey the Penmen himself.

As student excitement ramps up for the sought-after return to campus this fall, energy is boosting for the new football team, and school spirit is at an all-time high. “Bring it on,” says Petey the Penmen, when asked to comment.

Students at Southern New Hampshire University have eagerly anticipated the creation of a SNHU football team and all the events that come with it. “Grab the George Foreman’s and put your drinks on ice, it’s time to tailgate,” says SNHU junior Jack Drolet, ‘22.

When faculty and staff welcome students back to the seemingly empty dorms and classrooms at SNHU, there will be a campus-wide pep rally hosted by President Paul LeBlanc to unveil the new Petey’s Playground and cheer on the SNHU Scriveners’ roster.

For more details on how to become part of The Scriveners football team, contact head coach JB at j.boroshok@ snhu.edu.

12 | Sports

All Students Required to Play Sport to Graduate Sofia Barassi Sports Editor SNHU staff, administrators, and health and wellness experts teamed up and made a cohesive decision that all SNHU on-campus students will be required to play a sport in order to graduate starting Fall 2021.

This stems from research based on the heart health of adolescents heading towards adulthood, published

by Jennifer Arts, Maria Fernandez and Ingred Lofgren. Their research shows that nearly 33% of young people are obese which originates from an unhealthy lifestyle and diet.

“Coronary heart disease (CHD)5 risk in young adults aged 18–24 is underestimated despite the high prevalence of CHD risk factors (1–4) and early signs of atherosclerosis in this age group (5, 6),” said Arts, Fernandez and Lofgren.

SNHU’s Health and Wellness team has growing concerns about this statistic which led them to collaborate on solutions as to how SNHU can do its part to lower these numbers.

“More than half of young adults have at least [one] CHD risk factor, and this greatly increases lifetime heart disease risk (16)...[emphasizing]

SNHU Penmen Stadium. (image courtesy: SNHU) primordial prevention beginning in childhood and adolescence (16),” said Arts, Fernandez and Lofgren.

On-campus students will now be required to play at least one sport for an accumulated total of 100 hours during their time at SNHU. The hours played will be signed off by staff attending events. This requirement needs to be completed in order to receive their degree.

The activities that qualify for these hours include all fitness classes, the SNHU gym, and participation in intramural sports, club sports and NCAA DII sports. When engaging

in these activities, each student’s identification card will be swiped and the hours will be logged.

Exceptions will be made for people who are unable to be physically active, which will be replaced with other requirements decided by the Wellness Center. More information will be located on my.snhu in the coming weeks to lay out more details, rules and compliances.

Be sure to check out Arts, Ferandez and Lofgren’s article, Coronary heart disease risk factors in college students, which can be located at https://doi. org/10.3945/an.113.005447.

SNHU Athletics Has Lost Their Marbles Christopher Kelly Staff Writer In a surprise announcement, SNHU athletics has canceled the remaining spring sports season and removed every existing sports team from the school.

Athletics director Anthony Fallacaro made this statement. “Due to low attendance for the Spring season games, and the reduced recruitment for existing sports, it has been decided that people are no longer interested in traditional sports. This, coupled with the existing restrictions for in-person

events, means that in order to still have athletics, we had to look at some less than traditional options. Because of this, we are proud to unveil the new and only SNHU sport, Competitive Marble Racing.”

Competitive marble racing used to be a relevantly unknown sport until the pandemic hit. The sport gained some traction after being featured in The New York Times and on the show Last Week Tonight with John Oliver.

Despite this newfound popularity,

the sport is still an unexpected choice for replacing the others, especially with women’s tennis doing so well in the new season.

When asked about the cancelation of the current season, Anthony Fallacaro said, “Although the new season is starting up, it’s the best time to both cancel the current planed games and any future seasons for our current sports lineup. As for the reason behind Marble Racing taking center stage for SNHU sports, it comes down to N95

The Penmen Press | 13

rules where there needs to be equal opportunity for both men and women, and marbles provide equal opportunity for both men and women.” SNHU will be competing as the Manchester Hamsters.

New team captain Rory Poroly was willing to explain the intricacies of marble racing. “Marble racing is life itself, the swell of pride you get as your marbles cross the finish line first, the rush of adrenaline from the sounds of glass sliding over plastic. There’s nothing else like it. It’s without a doubt the most challenging sport cause it’s all about stamina and performance. If you overcommit early then you’re not going to be able to give repeat performances in later rounds.”

The full impact of this decision won’t be evident until later, but more information will be provided as details become available.

Marble Race Track. (image courtesy: Jelle’s Marble Runs)

SNHU Announces New Program Lead by Ex-Olympian Steven Covey Staff Writer SNHU announces their new ski jumping program lead by exOlympian, Josephi Krakowski.

SNHU President Paul LeBlanc thought that an ex-Olympian like Krakowski leading the program would be a great addition to the athletic department.

“I’m quite grateful I found him,” said LeBlanc. “He’s a tragic athlete that failed to show his worth at the 2010 winter Olympic games in Vancouver. I, however, admired him for his skill and talent even though he lost to Andreas Küttle, who earned the gold medal.”

According to LeBlanc, “Krakowski has had a difficult time after his defeat in Vancouver. One of these notable tribulations was when he tried acting, but lost the spotlight to Phil Swift. And he’s been struggling ever since. Still, I’m glad I ran into him and offered him the job. Who knows, maybe SNHU will get more athletes because of him.”

Some employees feel differently

about the ex-Olympian working for SNHU. “I can’t stand him,” said Anthony Fallacaro, Director of Athletics and Recreation. “The first meeting we had with him was abysmal. Krakowski decided it would be funny to give us a ski jumping demonstration, and it ended with him smashing his ski against my computer. I can’t say anything to LeBlanc because he and Krakowski are buddies. I just have to wait until this guy messes up.”

Even with a handful of employees disliking him, Krakowski has already done so much for the athletic department. Once receiving the job from LeBlanc, Krakowski used his own money to purchase the McIntyre Ski Area for the university.

Along with securing the ski resort, Krakowski purchased plenty of ski equipment for the university’s students.

Since the announcement of the ski jumping program, applications to participate on the team have

Josephi Krakowski. (image courtesy: JonTron) tripled. With 98% of SNHU applicants applying for the program, Krakowski has already made a significant impact on the SNHU community.

Krakowski may be able to redeem himself and create an awardwinning team for SNHU.

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R P YO N D

The Southern New Hampshire University Penmen Press is a news publication produced by Southern New Hampshire University students and funded largely by the Student Government Association of the University. It is our responsibility to inform the SNHU community about events on and around campus. The Penmen Press will print any material found to be factual and in good taste by the editorial staff of the paper. The views published do not necessarily reflect the views of Southern New Hampshire University. The Penmen Press is published monthly during the academic year and is printed on campus by Copies Plus. To contact the newspaper, please email us at penmenpress@snhu.edu