SPOOF: Below the Surface

Editor-in-Chief Courtney Miller Copy Editor Natasha Tar News Team Amneet Mann, Henry Tran Opinions Editor Zach Siddiqui Features Editor Gabrielle McLaren Arts Editor Alex Bloom Sports Editor Andrew Ringer Humour Editor Janis McMath Production Editors Timothy Chow, Linda Shu, Gabriel Yeung Photo Editor Chris Ho Multimedia Team Melissa Campos, Adam Madojemu Business / Advertising Manager Yuri Zhou Board of Directors Janis McMath, Courtney Miller, Kate Olivares, Grace Rose, Zach Siddiqui, Le (Yuri) Zhou

Promotions Coordinator Grace Rose Website Manager Reza Shariatzadeh Distribution Coordinator Saif Nayani

YO U R S H OT 3

6 N AT I O N A L P E A KO G R A P H I C

APRIL 2018

Source explains this is not the first time someone has gone missing in the pond Written by Natasha Tar, Campus Watch Journalist

Illustrated by Jarielle Lim

A N I M A L Written by JENNIFER LOW, AVIAN CORRESPONDENT

New studenteating bird discovered at SFU According to the researchers who discovered it, it hatched out of the beloved avocado

E

ver wonder why SFU’s architecture is filled with dark tunnels and hallways? Or what the heck the avocado/egg in the AQ really is? Well, worldrenowned researcher and scientist, the one and only Joe King, reveals that his team’s shocking discovery of a new addition to SFU’s fauna may be the answer.

Dr. Joe King and his team have found evidence of a new species of bird that has apparently inhabited Burnaby Mountain and SFU’s campus since the first few weeks of the school’s construction. Based on substantial DNA tests, it is revealed to have hatched from what SFU students have always assumed was merely an egg-shaped statue.

According to King, the newly identified animal is found only on Burnaby Mountain due to the ideal elevation level. The organism has left scientists puzzled for years, owing to its elusive behaviour and flight patterns.

Not one to fork over hard-earned cash for outrageously priced food, the animal subsists off the koi fish found in the AQ’s reflection pond and first-years who do not know the hallways well enough to remain indoors to get to class.

The animal’s dietary habits have landed the new species with the name: Studiosum comedenti or “student eater.” According to University of Lou Decruss geneticist Bill Lowney, who has been studying birds of prey for over a decade, the creature is a member of the vulture family. “The students are basically dead inside, so that makes this thing a vulture, doesn’t it?” he states.

When asked if SFU will still remain open in light of this discovery, the team and government officials assure the public that the creature, though dangerous, will not impact the operation of the university.

“SFU was built to be a mountain fortress,” says Howard I. Noh, an SFU representative.

“There’s no use hiding that fact any more ... the architects were warned that there could be something . . . something lurking on the mountain and thus the building came to be what it is. It was always assumed [that] there was something on the mountain, but with no hard evidence, there was no reason to why a 1 0 N AT I O N A L P E A KO G R A P H I C

school shouldn’t be up there. Even now that they have identified the Studiosum comedenti, the school will remain open . . . so what if a first-year gets carried off every now and again? We get hundreds of applications daily!”

Despite asserting that professors are doing all they can to keep students safe by giving them essays, assignments, exams, and long lectures to keep them indoors as long as possible, Noh recommends that students refrain from wearing brightly coloured clothing and opt for the more generic dark grey hoodies that can be purchased from the SFU Bookstore to stay safe.

Dr. Candice B. Fureal, an educator at SFU, recalls giving a three-hour lecture and requiring her students to attend tutorials and complete online assignments just to ensure their safety. “I do what I can!” she states in an emotional interview. “I would give them more work if I could!"

Fureal is not the only one looking out for students’ well-being; professor Mark Hardy spends extra time to make sure his tests are as difficult as possible to ensure his students spend more time safely in the library than in the dangerous outdoors.

“I have this theory,” says Hardy, “that the bird is more likely go after students with higher GPAs because if you’re going to eat a

APRIL 2018

student, why wouldn’t you go after the best and brightest? I know that theory hasn’t been tested yet, but I like to lower my students’ GPAs just because I care!”

The animal is described as being one of the largest flying birds in existence. It is an effective hunter with a sharp, pointed beak and talons, and the ability to camouflage itself amongst its surroundings in order to sneak up on prey. The Studiosum comedenti possesses a well-developed sense of smell that enables them to seek out fresh blood. They are capable of very fast flight for several hours at a time and seldom hang out on the ground. The bird is an expert mimic and is discovered to be particularly good at mimicking the sound of the university’s fire alarm, much to the annoyance of students living in residence.

Busting yet another mystery of SFU’s Burnaby campus, the vibrations given off from the bird’s flapping wings is credited with disrupting cell and Wi-Fi service in all areas of the campus.

“The wings move tremendously fast,” King explains, “Faster than even that of a hummingbird . . . and with its immense size, the vibrations can cause some serious disruption to digital signals.”

After years of research and blind hope, King is happy to finally have undeniable proof of the creature’s existence.

“I was really struggling,” King confesses.

“For years people said I was crazy, but I knew there had to be a reason for the lack of fish in the koi pond, the strange, unknown piece of public art, and why the university looks like a government facility! I just knew it!”

Studies of the bird’s genetic makeup suggests that the Studiosum comedenti egg may have been laid several hundred years ago.

Due to the cement-like fossilization of the egg, scientists have concluded that the creature may have taken years to hatch, which may be why its detection has taken so long. Despite the fact that these groundbreaking discoveries have offered some answers, what we know about the Studiosum comedenti is still limited.

King and his team are excited to take on the challenge.

Illustrated by TIFFANY CHAN

A day in the life of an SFUer Since 1965, SFUers have followed a peculiar daily pattern that has eluded the scientific community. We finally have enough data to break it down.

T

he SFUer has a home and bed, but they do not sleep much. Most days, they wake up so tired that they feel weak and sickly.

Throughout the semester, 90% of SFUers on average will develop a persistent cough. In the morning, the SFUers put on sweatpants over their PJs, gather gloves, a toque, and umbrella (even if it is sunny out), and set out on the treacherous journey up the mountain.

After shuffling off the Production SkyTrain platform down to the bus loop, the SFUer must carefully choose which door of the bus to line up at.

If they are not careful, they risk not getting on the bus and having to wait for the next one with the rest of the peasant lemmings.

Once the transportation unit has arrived, the SFUers are herded onto it and remain squished and expressionless with glazed-over eyes for the next 15 minutes. In these 15 minutes, the SFUers are blasted with heat from the bus air vents even though they are all wearing winter coats and do not have the mobility to remove them. You can hear coughing from the far ends of the bus and loud rap blaring from the headphones of buddy-guy a few seats away.

Upon arrival at campus, the SFUers spill out of the transportation unit in every direction onto what often looks like a foggy, eerie, and silent Call of Duty scene that constantly smells of hotdogs at 9:14 a.m.

They move around campus like sickly slugs sliding slowly through time, with flu-like symptoms from lack

Written by Alannah Wallace, SFUer Expert Illustrated by Tiffany Chan

of sleep. It is common for them to develop multiple illnesses, exacerbating the coughing phenomenon throughout campus. Food has been scarce this year on the tundra (SFU campus) since the Triple O’s disappeared along with Triple O’s Tuesdays, the main source of an SFUer’s diet. This winter has been especially hard since the Highland Pub also shut down, depriving the poor SFUers of Wednesday wings night. The SFUer’s only chance at fattening up for the winter is to search for scraps in the Tim Hortons and Renaissance Coffee lineups.

The SFUer can spend up to three hours a day trying to keep their balance on transit.

As soon as their last classes end, SFUers panic and run for the bus around late at night. The SFUers have not yet figured loop. One must remove themselves from campus out that their mating call, the cough, actually functions immediately. There shall be no socializing in the SFUer daily pattern. As we have observed, the SFUer as more of an anti-mating call.

Finally, the SFUer arrives at home. They burrow into has problems making friends. The SFUers also a thick layer of blankets and pillows where they can rarely mate, unless they find themselves on the cough freely. The SFUer has survived another day. tundra by the avocado sculpture with no one else

the deadly,

deadlier, and deadliest

THERE ARE MANY VENOMOUS SNAKES AT SFU, SO IT’S BEST TO READ THIS GUIDE TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM THESE SLITHERING CREATURES

snakes at SFU

Written by Henry Tran, Herpetologist Illustrated by Jarielle Lim

BLACK MAMBA

W

hen you first enter university, you think that you’re the bomb because you’ve just received multiple scholarship offers, and got straight A’s in high school. You think the world revolves around you and that your opinions matters more than others. Simply put, if you believe something is right, it’s right in general.

This is the dreaded black mamba, also known as first-year students, that everyone at SFU dreads, from faculty and staff to senior students. Everything that comes out of their mouths is full of arrogance, selfentitlement, and shallowness.

Their speech (venom) is so potent that they create a competitive environment wherever they go and that just plagues the other person’s day and mindset. If the person does not go and talk to someone else who is more down-to-earth, humble, and welcoming (in this case, the antivenom), the person can start experiencing headaches, a sense of worthlessness, and depression, all of which are classic symptoms of the black mamba’s venom. Even when you don’t want to interact with the black mamba, as soon as it sees you, it will chase after you until it can bite you. They’re highly aggressive.

EASTERN CORAL SNAKE

S

tudents in the faculty of science can be really competitive, especially kids from biomedical physiology (BP) and molecular biology and biochemistry (MBB). The competition is so cut-throat and the friendships you make don’t last very long.

The thing to worry about is that some of these kids can look really nice, bubbly, and optimistic on the outside, but on the inside they just want to sabotage you and make you fail. It’s true.

They’d literally teach you the wrong thing, tell you false information so that they can get 4–5 marks higher than you on a midterm because that’s what determines the A and the A+. In the jungle, it is about being the fittest to survive, but it’s also about being the slyest, foxiest, and most cunning individual in order to rise to the top.

These BP and MBB kids are similar to the eastern coral snake. If you misinterpret that colouring pattern, and are unable to recognize the shadiness that is underneath their layer of bubbliness and pretentiousness, death and academic failure are inevitable.

KING COBRA

B

esides the instructor, the teaching assistant (TA) stands at the top of the hierarchy. They’re usually responsible for all of the marking, and if you have an English TA, their marking scheme can be incredibly subjective. Moreover, these TAs can be really mean and cold. If you don’t use specific jargon on the exam, the TA will take half a mark off.

Seriously, there is so much content to remember for certain courses, like endocrinology, and taking half marks off just states demonstrates how cruel and heartless TAs can be. The TAs in a sense are similar to king cobras: their opinion matters more than yours and whatever marks they give you can have an impact on your future. They were undergraduate students once, but they don’t empathize for undergraduate students who are going through the same stuff. This is similar to what a king cobra does in nature: they eat the smaller snakes when they’re hungry even though they’re the same species.

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