Issuu

The Beep

WELCOME TO THE FUTURE.

HANNAH FRASER

If you’re reading this and it’s not 2076, that means our plan to use time travel to send the paper back in time worked. The Beep is now a dictatorship, and we have been running the paper for the past 50 years. Michelle finally has a hairless cat and C achieved their goal of appearing on The Traitors (they won).

After our first term as EiCs at what was then called The Peak, we were replaced with an AI bot that rebranded the paper for what would become a predominantly robot readership. However, the students demanded that human Peak— sorry, Beep staff return after an issue published dozens of articles incorrectly announcing the opening of pools with cars inside them on the Burnaby campus. Upon our return, we implemented “old school” tools to restore The Beep’s reputation as the go-to publication for accurate SFU news. For example, to comply with the SFSS Council recording ban, all our news writers have been trained to use stenographers to produce transcripts. Our lawyer hasn’t confirmed whether or not we’re allowed to post them yet, but spoiler alert! A little birdy told me the SFSS spends $900,000 bitcoin every week. But don’t worry, there’s no deficit because

they keep accepting room bookings from right-wing influencers.

SFU no longer serves as a dystopian film set. Instead, they set up cameras on every square inch of all three campuses for 24/7 livestreams. Thousands of people have subscribed to watch the cleaning robots crash into walls and are placing bets on which one will be the last one standing. SFU administration claims the money generated from this is used to improve the student experience and will 100% secure us another year as Canada’s top university for innovation. C does not trust this Big Brother-style surveillance. Local activists have been putting stickers on the lenses to protect student privacy, but SFU security is taking them down faster than pro-Palestinian posters. But you can make your own decision about whether or not the future of SFU is truly bleak. Read this paper and see if this is a future worth aspiring to or fighting against.

SFU student 65.33%

My friend forgot his virtual student ID the other day, they made him walk all the way up the mountain in the snow.

After 53 long years since SFU began renovations on the pool facilities, the university has finally announced that they are just six to eight months from completing them.