So Now We're The Red Leafs?

An ode to friendly bus drivers

5October 3, 2022 OPINIONS TEACHING TRUTH The Bright-er Side

POLITICAL

ENDING THE ABUSE

“

I realized criticism doesn’ t always mean you’ re doing a bad job, it just means people care enough to help you become better”

“Don’t call me baby”

By Kreesha Turner

“Lip Gloss”

By Lil Mama

By Elise Estrada

“Pyramid”

By Charice ft Iyaz

“Poison”

Replacing a horrible racially insensitive name with a less insensitive name is not harm reduction, it is negligence.

MARIE HADDAD // STUDENT ACTIVIST

PRESEASON RITUALS

1. I put a spell on you

a. Sabrina Spellman (yup, that Sabrina) comes to Riverdale to resurrect all the first-born children in the town that were killed by the biblical plague caused by Percival (don’t ask me who this is, it’s a long story).

b. Sabrina Spellman helps Cheryl transfer Nana Rose’s soul to Cheryl’s body.

c. Kiernan Shipka, actress of Sabrina Spellman, writes a letter to the watchers begging for sweet release.

d. Sabrina Spellman puts her boyfriend’s soul in Jughead’s body because Jughead refused to be resurrected when she visited him in the Sweet Hereafter.

2. The girl in red

a. Cheryl and her girlfriend Heather (Choni forever! Just kidding, that relationship was a mess . . . ) resurrect Alice, Tom, and Frank (I’d tell you who these people are but do you really care?)

b. Cheryl’s girlfriend Heather uses her powers to allow Cheryl and Toni’s ancestors to spend one last night together in Cheryl and Toni’s bodies (Messy!!!)

c. Cheryl performs a ritual to help Archie overcome his weakness to palladium, his kryptonite (because otherwise he’s indestructible, because all the main characters have superpowers).

d. Madeleine Petsch who plays Cheryl makes a public announcement that she has developed an allergy to the colour red and will be on hunger strike until it is fully removed from her Riverdale wardrobe.

3. Out of this universe

a. Archie is sacrificed by the town when he got Betty pregnant after they had sex next to the fertility doll Cheryl gave them after they decided they wanted to start a family together.

b. Veronica sells Reggie’s soul to the literal devil (As far as we know, not the producers . . . yet) but only because Reggie sold hers first. Reggie is dragged to hell.

c. Cheryl declared Thornhill (where she lives) a sovereign state so now the town has lost its supply of maple syrup (this is serious business, it’s negatively affecting the town’s economy!)

d. Cole Sprouse yells cut and orders someone to bring him an Advil to deal with the headache of playing three Jugheads at once.

1. I put a spell on you

a. This is true! It happens in Chapter 114.

b. Also true! Can’t remember the reasoning behind it but I’m sure it doesn’t make sense anyways. It’s in Chapter 99.

c. This didn’t happen, but it probably should’ve. #freetheriverdalecast

d. Yeah . . . Chapter 114 is a truly iconic episode.

2. The girl in red

a. It’s true! Percival (the bad guy) had executed them. Check out the resurrection in Chapter 116.

b. If there’s one thing the Riverdale writers are gonna do is find a way to give us Choni content even when they are not together. It’s in Chapter 117.

c. The special effects in this ritual scene added 10 years onto my life. I swear it’s true. Do yourself a favour, watch Chapter 109.

d. In an interview she once said her mom would probably disown her if she dyed her hair. I mean . . . It’s probably a joke but even if it wasn’t it’s still better than her Riverdale mom being a serial killer.

3. Out of this universe

a. True! (Chapter 96)

b. Also true! (Chapter 98)

c. Why would I make this up? It’s true. (Chapter 96) In fact, all of these plot lines happen in Rivervale, a parallel universe to Riverdale. Why is there a parallel universe? Bestie, I don’t know . . . I think it’s related to the explosion that happened when Betty and Archie found the bomb Hiram (Veronica’s dad) put under Archie’s bed right as they were about to hook up . . .

d. False. But season 6 is giving major Spider-Man pointing at SpiderMan energy.