Compromised?

News

Cecile Favron News Editor

Cecile Favron / News Editor Henry Tran / Assistant News Editor

October 16, 2017 news@the-peak.ca

3

4

Cecile Favron / News Editor Henry Tran / Assistant News Editor

News

news@the-peak.ca

Henry Tran Assistant News Editor

Cecile Favron News Editor

Opinions

Zach Siddiqui / Opinions Editor

October 16, 2017 opinions@the-peak.ca

5

fill a gap in your program Zach Siddiqui Opinions Editor

Athabasca University has over 850 courses for you to choose from to meet your needs. Monthly start dates of undergraduate courses fit into your schedule so that you can work at your own pace.

Fill the gap and save a semester.

go.athabascau.ca/online-courses open. online. everywhere.

6 Zach Siddiqui Opinions Editor

Opinions

Zach Siddiqui Opinions Editor

Zach Siddiqui / Opinions Editor

opinions@the-peak.ca

Opinions

Corbett Gildersleve Alumnus

October 16, 2017

7

10 Arts

Alex Bloom / Arts Editor

arts@the-peak.ca

Yelin Gemma Lee Peak Associate

Arts

October 16, 2017

11

12 Sports

Chris Januardi Lim Peak Associate

Austin Cozicar Peak Associate

Andrew Ringer / Sports Editor

sports@the-peak.ca

Sports

Victor Gouchee Peak Associate

Andrew Ringer Sports Editor

October 16, 2017

13

14 Humour

Janis McMath / Humour Editor

humour@the-peak.ca

SIXTH SENSES YOU WISH YOU COULD HAVE

Written by Meghan Light Illustrated by Kathy Mak

Why just see dead people when there are so many other options?

You all know what I’m talking about. Our five senses are boring as fuck. So, here is a compiled list of potential sixth senses that will highlight your fall season!

Knowing which houses are going to give you Sun-Maid raisins or fruit on Halloween What are they thinking? I know it’s good to promote all things health starting at a young age, but it’s fucking Halloween, OK? Lighten up, guys. My descent into being an unhealthy, broke dumbass didn’t start with Halloween. It probably started with people like you depriving me of all the candy I could’ve had but didn’t get.

Being able to sense whether or not your lecture that day is going to be useless to your learning This would save me SO much time and effort.

I hate going to class and having to watch a movie or something for the whole three hours.

I would love to have that time to do something productive — like sit on my ass and stare at the wall until it’s 4 a.m., or avoid my responsibilities.

COMICS Mystic Man 33 – VS Whiteout by Reuben Newton

Mescaform Hill by Adam and Edward Madojemu

Being able to hear the dead This would actually be cool. You know why? It would be really good, uninterrupted silence. It would be so deafening that it would ACTUALLY distract me from my own thoughts and let me focus for once. Sign me up for that shit.

Being able to see dead people And no, I don’t mean like The Sixth Sense, I mean in concert. Do you know how many dead musicians I would kill to see live? I would literally make my whole family forget me like Hermione did if I could see Michael Jackson live in all his glory. I gotta protect them from those thriller zombies, but I accept MY fate as a dead dancing machine.

Being able to sense the kind of people who would carve a fucking Minion in their pumpkin so I can avoid them Honestly, if you’ve done this, why? Just why?

People think it’s silly and quirky to do this, but frankly, it’s disgusting. Why don’t we all just shit where we eat while we’re at it?

Humour

October 16, 2017

United Nations to recognize Vape Nation sovereignty

Vape Nation

T

he rapid expansion of the population of Vape Nation has been kept under close watch by the United Nations (UN) for a while now.

Due to a steadily rising population, Vape Nation now signifies a large population of people, all with a common goal. Many nations viewed this as a sign of upcoming danger. In an attempt to appease any possible uprising of Vape Nation, the UN officially recognized them as a sovereign state back in 2015. Although, now that Vape Nation has a population of over 10 million, the UN is beginning to see it in a slightly different light. Due to its calm and relaxed nature, Vape Nation is no longer seen as a possible threat to be appeased,

Förångare Nation

Nación Vaporizador

믾믾묻많

‫ةمألا ذاذرملا‬

and is instead seen as a potentially powerful ally.

This change in perspective of Vape Nation has prompted the upcoming vote, whereby the assembly will award UN membership to it. Many member nations of the UN are thrilled by the possibility of an alliance with Vape Nation. Since it is currently unrestricted by any trade agreements or other alliances, many nations are excited at the prospect of it as a partner in trade or as a possible source of military backing. Other nations, however, are skeptical.

The main platforms for Vape Nation’s economic policies of ‘420 blaze it’ and

What does your pet's name say about you?

Written by Gene Cole Illustrated by Alisha Lee

As we go through life, the human relationships we have can be hard, complicated, and non-existent. To escape this frustration, many have found it helpful to fill that void with dogs and cats — fluffy entities of kindness (and condescension) that deserve all the love in the world.

But, like any big-headed psychology student will tell you, everything you do is a trademark of your identity, including your pet’s name. Because of this, no matter how simple it seems to pick what goes on your pal’s tacky and uncomfortable collar, the choice you make is a dire commitment to a display of your entire personality.

15

Written by Aaron Richardson Illustrated by Alice Zhang Layout by Gabriel Yeung

㑑ꪓ㐼㕂

Verdampfer Nation

Nation du Vaporisateur

Vape Nation

‘smoke weed every day,’ have made many member nations nervous. Although Nixon-era drug policy is undeniably falling to the wayside as a remnant of a bygone age, many still fear the consequences of such a pro-drug attitude.

Those concerned about Vape Nation’s stance on drug policy are not the only ones hesitant to provide membership.

Canada, Argentina, Uruguay, and the Netherlands (all generally drug-positive nations) still plan to vote against Vape Nation’s membership. Some refuse to acknowledge Vape Nation as a sovereign state to begin with, while others think that Vape Nation is nothing more than

ŔŝśŌŜŔŞőŗŨřŌū řŌŢŔū

Nazione del Vaporizzatore

“a bunch of fucking losers.” Many believe that being associated with this “bunch of fucking losers” would damage their country’s street cred.

Although all of this has been a heated and thoughtful debate, the UN has been unable to reach Vape Nation for any comment. In fact, Vape Nation seems to be entirely unaware of the ongoing debate. Due to a complete lack of leadership and organization, it is possible that Vape Nation will become a member of the UN without any official representation. In such a case, Chad from down the street of the UN will act as the official Vape Nation ambassador.

Normal human names

Pop culture references

The past few months of OKCupid dates have been terrible, love is dead in your world, and you desperately need your pet to sound like a roommate, lover, or human family member.

The companionship is nice . . . but you definitely lack hobbies and friends, which would make you feel more fulfilled. Pets can be sweethearts, but you just can’t ignore how they are much more likely to dine on your corpse than other non-animal funeral guests.

They’re good company and it’s nice to speak to them like an equal, but when people start confusing James for a boyfriend, your social fears will only get deeper, and James alone cannot cure your crippling loneliness.

It takes a lot of ambition and impulsiveness to name your pet after your favourite TV character. Without thinking, you leaped into the responsibility of memorizing a long-winded explanation to regurgitate every single time someone first meets your pet. Despite that annoyance, you feel proud and cultured, and you aren’t afraid to share your passions. It can all be very bittersweet though, considering that every time you look at your pet’s face you shed a tear about how their namesake’s most recent sequel or remake was so disappointing.

Thankfully, you probably take better care of your pet than the executive producers did when writing your favourite character.

Cutesy names

Food

You were probably a very cute kid when you named your pet after such an adorable noun, or you hold memories of that time very dearly. You love to reminisce about that distant past when your favourite things to do were watch cheaply drawn cartoons, and nag your parents to take you to Toys 'R' Us. Sadly, you’re all grown up now and Toys ‘R’ Us is dying. It’s the perfect metaphor for how your childhood innocence has been completely replaced by existential dread — it’s not cute anymore. You often come home to your pet’s hungry face, ready to get into your comfy socks before mutually shoving your faces into respective bags of food, and crying at your reflections in the mirror.

You’re the life of the party and adore attention.

People told you growing up that you could be a comedian, and even though you gave up on your dreams, you still maintain that energy in your day-to-day social adventures.

Unfortunately, not all of your efforts will garner the laughter you desire, and the people who meet your pet are likely not giggling in delight in the way you hoped. Your social media photos that feature puns and cute sleeping poses may be miniature viral hits, but don’t mistake that for true fame and adoration, loser.

(e.g., Jack, Susan, Kevin)

(e.g., Princess, Fluffy, Skip)

(e.g., Maeby, Harley, Jughead)

(e.g., Doughnut, Cinnamon, Chips)

16 Diversions

Linda Shu / Production and Design Editor

production@the-peak.ca

ADVERTISEMENT

IS NOW HIRING!!!

Business and Advertising Manager Satellite Distribution Coordinator More info at the-peak.ca/jobs Send your resume to jobs@the-peak.ca

NOTICE