It's Not Funny Anymore: A 17-Page Humour Section

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FIRST PEEK

April 2, 2013 · Volume 143, Issue 12

FIRST PEEK

A serious discussion about the SFSS is long overdue. I know it, you know it, the 77 per cent of students who didn’t vote this year know it. More importantly, the newly elected member services officer, Moe Kopahi, needs to hear it.

The cover of a recent issue of The Peak shows newly elected SFSS President Khan revelling in his victory. Khan seems to care about his win, but does anyone else? It’s unfortunate that this image provides such an ironic contradiction to the depressing reality of a 23 per cent voter turnout. But, rather than blame this on student apathy, we need to take a more critical stance of how the SFSS has been operating.

In the past 10 years the SFSS has taken a large conservative swing. What was once a union that celebrated activism and organized students to fight against conservative policies has become a society that rarely extends its critique beyond the need for more student space. From an outsider’s perspective, it is easy to see elections as little more than a popularity contest.

Voter turnout should be taken as an indication that the SFSS does not represent the student body. There’s no question of representation of SFU athletics however, with the SFSS potentially

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funding a new stadium. But where is the voice against increasing tuition coming from?

Student fees? Budget cuts? Things are looking bad when all we see from the SFSS on these issues is an article and an email.

I bet you didn’t even know that Senate is debating the top-down integration of learning outcomes in curriculum, restructuring the very core of student experience at SFU. You would if the SFSS were doing their job.

guys in regards to women issues, at SFU, stop claiming it.” Later, he wrote, “I got 1,962 votes, that speaks for students.” He might represent 1,962 students, but he doesn’t represent the other 23,000, and he certainly doesn’t represent me.

Feminism actually addresses many issues through its critique of patriarchy. The Women’s Centre not only offers alternative resources to individuals of all genders, but also organizes a variety of events on a regular basis that serve the interests of our diverse student body: from Halloween activities for student parents and their children, to campaigning for and raising awareness about student debt.

As the person communicating with groups like the Women’s Centre, it would be nice to see our future MSO doing some research before taking to Facebook.

Something is wrong with our union when the MSO, voted in with 1,962 votes on a 23 per cent voter turnout, thinks that he has the authority to speak like this in a public forum.

Is it the role of the SFSS Board to claim authority and act without accountability in our name?

Or is it their role to listen to students before claiming to represent them?

Our union was once a respectable institution, speaking up for students and against unfair administration and government policies. While there are a select few individuals who do seem to take their positions seriously, the community needs to engage in a broader discussion about what exactly it is that we expect from our union.

According to the SFSS, the job of our Member Services Officer is to “act as a liaison between the Board, Forum, and other student groups at the University.” In other words, the MSO is our student union’s diplomatic representative, and carries a heavy burden.

Our newly elected MSO Moe Kopahi, with a whopping 1,962 votes out of 25,000, needs to be reminded of the seriousness of the position, as he recently took to Facebook to swing his whammy of a vote count around to back up some comments he made against feminism.

“If it was about equality, it wouldn’t be called feminism,” he stated, before emphasizing that he does indeed “love” the Women’s Centre, despite their lack of authority in his eyes: “I have seen absolutely nothing from you

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NEWS

April 2, 2013

news editor email / phone

Alison Roach associate news editor news@the-peak.ca / 778.782.4560

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After extensive time spent amongst the rocky deposits of Driftwood Canyon Provincial Park, the Okanagan Highlands, and areas of Washington, SFU palaeontologist Dr. Bruce Archibald has unearthed the oldest assemblage of ancient green lacewing insects known to date.

“The insects were finely preserved in such exquisite detail.

It really surprised us,” says Archibald. “Some of their soft bodied tissues are clear to see – internal organs at times, too.”

Belonging to the scientific family Chrysopidae, green lacewings is the second largest family of the order Neuroptera. The insects are common garden insects that have large wingspans, golden compound eyes, and bright green bodies.

“They’re regular insects that you’d see around a light at night,” says Archibald. “Organic gardeners really like them for pest control, too. They’re predators and eat plant pests like aphids.”

Dr. Archibald, alongside partner Vladimir Makarkin from the Russian Academy of Sciences, have collected a series of 24 green lacewing fossils from various fossil beds and museums. Although the green lacewings in southern BC and Washington were previously discussed by other palaeontologists, they had not named any particular species in their research — only the insects’ existence in these areas was noted.

Out of the 24 fossil series, at least six genera and 10 new species were present: six of the new species were named, and three of the six genera were newly discovered. The female reproductive spermatheca organ, spermathecal ducts, and trichosor-like structures — thickened wing margins with several hair growths — were observed for the first time in any Chrysopidae fossil. An article further detailing the newlydiscovered insect species has recently been published in the Journal of Palaeontology.

In total, there are currently over 1,200 species of green lacewings worldwide excluding the high latitudes that they cannot inhabit. When the green lacewing fossils formed during the Eocene Epoch, Western Canada was dominated by cooler

Amara Janssens

temperatures year round — less than Vancouver’s average annual temperature at present. This encouraged high levels of insect biodiversity at the time.

Archibald spoke to The Peak and described that the fossils’ formation took place nearly 49–53 million years ago. “There was a lot of uplift in southern BC going into Washington at that time, so many highlands and volcanoes were being formed,” he said. “In this region, there was also a series of lakes that filled up with sediment — different insects and plants from the surrounding forests wound up being trapped in the bottom layer of the mud, and this sediment became the shale that these fossils were found in.”

The classification and examination of these fossilized insects play key roles in larger-scale studies like those conducted by Archibald and other scientists.

Alongside SFU Paleoecology professor Dr. Rolf Mathewes, Archibald is looking at the past diversity of his group of green lacewings and the reasons why a different group within the same family of insects has now become more diverse.

“Green lacewings usually fly in the evening or at night, and they’re vulnerable to predators like bats. Some of the green lacewings have bat ears that can detect bat cries,” Archibald stated. “We’re interested in looking at the relationship between the evolution of bats and the changes in groups of green lacewings relative to their ability to avoid predation.”

By understanding the evolutionary pattern of green lacewings through such studies, researchers can better understand broader aspects of general evolution.

Examining the green lacewings’ climatic preferences relative to large scale climate change over the last 50 million years, will also contribute to better comprehension of broad-scale evolution and patterns of biodiversity.

“In understanding how communities change relative to a transforming climate, we can understand the future better,” Archibald said. “We’re obviously going through a period of great climate change, so it’s best to know all that we can about these patterns.”

NEWS

The Build SFU student union building project marked another milestone last week as it announced the selection of an architect firm for the project.

Vancouver-based, 75-person strong firm Perkins+Will has been awarded the project, and will start site evaluations this summer.

The announcement was officially made in the SFSS Forum meeting last Wednesday by Build SFU general manager Marc Fontaine. “We’re really excited about this announcement,” said Fontaine. “I personally think that Perkins+Will is the best firm with the most experience and . . . students told us that Perkins+Will is the firm that could best represent students, understand best what students need in the building, and actually I feel it was an easy decision.

Perkins+Will was the first of three firms to present to students on Jan. 30, competing against HCMA/Endall Elliot and Dialog for the bid. After the presentations, students, faculty, and community members were invited by the Build SFU team to fill out an online survey with their reactions.

The Build SFU project team gathered 47 responses to the architect presentations that were compiled and presented to the building committee. There were 38 responses from undergraduate students, several from SFU staff and faculty, one from an alumnus, and a letter written by Lorne Davies, expressing his personal support for Perkins+Will.

“The important thing that we focused on was not receiving feedback that wasn’t useful,” said Fontaine. “We wanted to receive feedback that is qualitative and that was informed and really thought out. And we did receive that.”

From this, Perkins+Will was selected. The international firm’s Vancouver office has worked previously on UBC’s Earth Science buildings and SFU’s own Saywell and Blusson halls. One of their team members has personally worked on over 40 student union buildings.

Current SFSS University

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Relations Officer and Build SFU founder Jeff McCann stated, “The Perkins+Will team excelled throughout all aspects of the architect selection process. Students told us that this firm best understood the goals and aspiration of the Build SFU project. We look forward to this partnership and are confident that Perkins+Will is the best team to help us redefine the student experience.”

Perkins+Will team leader Jana Foit visibly beamed in an interview with The Peak on being awarded the project.

“This is such an exciting project,” Foit said. “We’re just ecstatic to start work and to be able to bring something that’s so meaningful to students and to be able to deliver that here.

It’s a great opportunity.”

Foit also recognized the challenges that face the student-led project, especially concerning the multitude of voices that will undoubtedly inundate the consultation process.

“There’s a lot of opinions and students will definitely have opinions, but I think it’s exciting because students also have a

lot of vision,” said Foit. “They’re not as cynical or dissuaded as someone who’s been doing this for a long time. You’re looking at tomorrow, you guys are looking at innovation, and you’re interested in those things.”

The firm hasn’t defined a firm plan for student consultation, but it is certain that there will be six to eight weeks of intensive consultation at the beginning of the fall semester. Foit mentioned holding workshops with different user group representatives, a goal-setting workshop, and social media feedback as several facets of communication that may be implemented.

The idea of even using the platform Instagram to allow students to send photos of how they see their university is also

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being considered.

The architect selection has gone through the SFSS board of directors, with a tentative price tag of $326,500 approved for the first phase of work. The full cost of the firm for the project is unknown at this point. In the latest SFU Board of Governor’s meeting on March 14, the Finance and Administration Committee also noted that the process to select the architect for the Build SFU project has ended, and the award of contract was put before the board and approved. Perkins+Will has been approved for the entire SUB project, but as of now has only been hired for phase one, involving site selection and programming of the building.

The official price-tag for the architect for the SFSS is complicated by the fact that the university has agreed to finance additional renovations to the Lorne Davies building if it ends up becoming the site of the project.

In regards to the cost of the architect for the entire project, Fontaine explained: “The architect has been hired, but it includes that cost that the university would pay for, and it’s and up-to amount rather than a defined amount.” He went on to say that Perkins+Will was within the price range expected for the project.

“We have confidence that the price for Perkins+Will is appropriate, and it’s a price that is not too low to deliver what we need from the project.”

Moving forward, Perkins+Will will spend the summer semester working on site selection studies to identify three possible sites for the building, which are currently unknown. Heavy student consultations will begin in the fall, culminating in a report with a site recommendation and review of the building programming to be put forward in November. The firm will then most likely be rehired to continue the project, and begin working full-time on it in 2014.

Build SFU also plans to hire two new staff members this summer, one working in administration and one dedicated to student consultation.

Fontaine concluded, “I’m thrilled with the architect selection. It is my choice absolutely . . . This firm stood out in terms of meeting [our] objectives, and I think Perkins+Will will have no trouble in determining in consultations with students what can make our building the best that it can be for this university.”

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OTTAWA (CUP) — Finance Minister Jim Flaherty announced Economic Action Plan 2013 on March 21, titled “Jobs, Growth, and Economic Prosperity.” The budget introduces market-oriented skills training, job creation measures and aims to balance the books by 2015.

However, the opposition is not optimistic that the Tories can keep these promises.

“These predictions are wrong,” said Thomas Mulcair, leader of the New Democratic Party. “That’s what we’ve constantly seen.”

Bob Rae, interim-leader of the Liberal Party of Canada, also disliked the budget, calling it “the same old propaganda.”

“It has very unlikely targets as to where the revenue picture is going to go over the next couple of years,” said Rae. “It’s a rhetorical document, it’s an excursive of political relic.”

One of the main features of the budget is the Canada Jobs Grant. The program would provide job seekers with $5,000 for

April 2, 2013

skills training, which the federal government hopes would be matched by an additional $10,000 from provincial governments and employers.

The grant would create opportunities for apprentices and provide support to underrepresented groups, such as youth and aboriginals, to help them find employment.

However, Rae said the government could do more for the unemployed Canadians.

“There’s no new money, it’s money that’s going to be delayed for several years, it’s money that now requires an equal amount from provinces and employers,” he said. “It’s actually a whole lot less when you consider the size and extent of employment.”

Businesses who can provide skills training — such as community and career colleges

— will be eligible to receive up to $5,000 dollars per person of that grant. The businesses’ and provinces’ contributions will have to match the federal government. The program will be finalized after renewal negotiations of the Labour Market Development Agreements in 2014–15 with the provinces and territories.

Flaherty said he can’t guarantee all provinces will sign off on the grant, but remains optimistic about the plan. “[The Conservatives] listen to businesses and persons who are unemployed,” said Flaherty.

“We have a problem and we have to fix it. I think the provincial governments will listen to... employers.”

Adam Awad, chairperson of the Canadian Federation of Students, said while the grant is a step in the right direction it’s not enough for students.

He was disappointed with the budget and felt that the government could do more to address the student issues.

“It’s definitely disappointing; it doesn’t do much for students at all,” said Awad. “It doesn’t address the main issues of debt and access to education.”

“Canadian businesses are... failing to provide this training regardless; it’s not the government’s responsibility to pay businesses to do their own job.

It would have been much better

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to provide that funding directly into the education system.”

In addition to the Canada Jobs Grant, the government announced promotion of education in science, technology, engineering, mathematics and skilled trades, all of which are considered high-demand.

As a part of the grant, $19 million over two years will be reallocated to informing youth about those fields of study and the career opportunities stemming from them. The budget does not provide details of where the funding will be reallocated from.

A total of $70 million over three years will be invested in 5,000 paid internships for recent post-secondary graduates.

They will be added on to the 3,000 internships already created with Economic Action plan 2012.

The Canadian Youth Business foundation will receive $18 million over two years if

the foundation can raise $15 million to match the federal funding. The non-profit organization works with young entrepreneurs develop their business by providing mentorship, advice and other resources.

The government hopes this will help the foundation become self-sustainable.

Awad said the funds to help youth gain employment are not “addressing the main concern.”

The government has also allocated money for research which will involve undergraduate students. Research funding will see $37 million per year to support partnerships with industry through the granting councils, including an additional $12 million annually for the College and Community Innovation program (CCIP). The CCIP supports collaboration between colleges and industry on research projects.

The granting councils will expand eligibility for their undergraduate and industrial internships and scholarships to students who are enrolled in college bachelor programs.

Awad added that the primary issue is student debt, as student are “unable to take risks” once they graduate because of the money they owe.

“While the money for the apprenticeship programs and grants are better than nothing, its nowhere near what needs to happen,” said Awad.

NEWS

For the past few weeks, SFU Master of Business Administration (MBA) students have engaged youth and community members alike at their “Penny Tributes” exhibit, now on display at Science World, or Telus World of Science.

The exhibit, which focuses on the penny and its demise, was created after Beedie School of Business’s Management of Technology students were challenged to create a promotional campaign as part of a projectmanagement course. The team — made up of Patrick Altejos, Alex Popov, Scott Brundrett, and James Cameron — felt that the decision to work with Science World was a natural extension of their venture.

“It just clicked,” said Cameron. “The phaseout is an important time for the penny and the idea happened to be going through both our minds and the minds of the executive team at Science World. When we did speak, there was a good fit and it was easy for us to go forward with them.”

Canada’s phasing out of the penny began this year after the federal government announced its decision to remove the coin due to its excessive cost of its production relative to face value. It is estimated that taxpayers will save up to $11 million a year with the penny gone.

The environmental implications of the continued production of the coin also prompted the government to make the decision.

Pennies are three per cent copper, 97 per cent zinc, and are primarily made from virgin ore.

Because they are made from materials that can only be obtained through mining, penny minting results in heavy-metal and lead rich mining tailings, which pollute the environment.

Even after the metals are mined, the environmental impact does not stop. The process of refining zinc and copper can release toxins like sulfur

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dioxide, lead and zinc into the environment.

All of this information can be found at the Penny Tributes exhibit at Science World, placed just inside the entrance. The MBA students’ display takes the attendee on a journey that follows the penny’s life from creation, to circulation, to eventual phase-out.

“We have an open pit mine

display, penny collections, penny games, and experiments and demonstrations designed

by SFU science instructors and 4D Labs that are orchestrated by Science World,” said Cameron.

The exhibit is meant to engage and educate the visitors of Science World, while encouraging them to donate their nowobsolete pennies. Such a partnership was perfect for Science World, which as a non-profit organization needs the community’s support to continue its operations.

“When you donate to Science World, you invest in BC’s future,” reads the Science World website.

“By making science fun, we spark curiosity and open the doors to the wonders and possibilities of science and technology.”

The vice president of development at Science World, Jennifer Ingham, has been working

with the SFU students since the beginning of their project two months ago. Ingham spoke to the importance of this project for Science World.

“Not everyone knows that Science World is a charity,” said Ingham. “We need support from the public so that we can continue to educate the community and encourage students to pursue the sciences, a field which some students tend to avoid.”

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Although the penny will soon be gone from circulation, the SFU MBA students are making sure that its history will not be forgotten. “We’re working on a model of Science World to be used as a legacy piece, where coins would activate the lights in the dome making it fun for people to donate,” said Cameron. “Our other coin depository will stay on the site for some time to come.”

When asked how she enjoyed working the SFU students, Ingham smiled and responded warmly. The SFU team is in discussion on Science World’s behalf about possible future projects with Greentech Exchange, CoinMart, and SFU’s own 4D LABS and Faculty of Science, so though this is the first collaboration with a university program, it may not be the last.

8 NEWS

Simon Fraser University’s fifth annual Relay for Life fundraiser was held the weekend before last and raised over $32,000, beating last year’s total by an estimated $5,000. Relay for Life is one of the largest fundraising events held across Canada for the Canadian Cancer Society, and offers funds for cancer research, prevention, and support.

Beginning at 7:00 p.m. on

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March 22 at SFU’s West Gym, over 200 participants formed teams to relay together for the 12-hour long event. The Relay for Life event consists of relay teams taking turns to walk or run around a track for 12 to 24 hours (depending on the event), while raising funds for the Canadian Cancer Society.

In the past, Relay for Life has been the largest event held by SFU Residence, and this year marked the first time it was ran by an SFU club. With the assistance from LEAD students, a dedicated planning committee, and countless volunteers, the event was considered a huge success by all those involved.

The event also hosts a

luminary ceremony in order to celebrate and remember those who have survived or been lost to cancer. During the ceremony, which is held during the relay, candles are lit and placed in special paper bags which each bear the name of a cancer survivor or victim.

“I actually was very touched by the luminary ceremony,” said Elina Avramova, SFU LEAD (Certificate in Innovation Leadership) student and Relay for Life participant.

Avramova described how a few laps around the track were made in complete silence during the ceremony; “It was very powerful.”

David Markus, another SFU

LEAD student, agreed that the Luminary Ceremony demonstrated harmony. “It was clear during the Luminary Ceremony, and throughout the event, that everyone had a personal bond that motivated them to do such an outstanding job at fundraising.”

Markus and Avramova, along with other fellow LEAD

students, assisted the planning committee with this event by promoting Relay for Life to the SFU community. Promotions included the “Relay for Life Superhero Pub Night,” held last month at the Highland Pub. All proceeds from tickets that night were donated directly to the Canadian Cancer Society.

“I am really happy that for my LEAD project I had the opportunity to work with such a great organization,” Avramova stated.

In 2012, over $51 million was raised across Canada by Relay for Life events for the Canadian Cancer Society. Vancouver’s Relay for Life is still on the horizon, and will be held on June 22 at Killarney Park.

OPINIONS

When I consider taking on a complex task, I try to find simple solutions that may lead to an ultimate answer to the problem.

Feminism is a hot topic and I feel like more men are getting in line with equal rights. I am by no means an expert on feminism, nor do I know what it is like to be a woman, but that doesn’t mean I can’t help.

As a man, its easy to forget that women have a rough go in many aspects of life that we might not think twice about. For instance, I do a lovely walk from Terminal to Main and Hastings at 3:00 a.m. regularly after work.

It is a little sketchy, but I don’t feel at risk. For all of the women I work with, this isn’t a perceived option.

Feminism deals with the complex social issues that arise through the struggle for gender equality. To resolve these issues, we need not look past men, as some feminists do.

In my experience, the majority of feminists I’ve encountered acknowledge that I am a man who can be a friend in the fight and not a de facto foe. My issue lies with the feminists who claim to be open-minded and yet hold back progress by refusing to view men as equal players in the fight for equality.

Based on history as an excollege lacrosse player, I can

April 2, 2013

understand the skepticism over me as an ally. But making assumptions based on my gender and pass-time activities is no better than telling a girl in a short skirt she’s asking for it.

Recently, I went to a meeting that was discussing women’s issues at a student press conference. One young woman publically called me out, asking what I was doing at the meeting as if I were an enemy infiltrator — they didn’t need some stinkin’ man to help them nor could I benefit from the meeting, which was a real kick in the balls. I wanted

Unless you’re going to be convocating this semester, I don’t think you can understand the wealth of joy I’m sitting on. In a few week’s time, I won‘t have to write another stupid paper, or read and critique an article unless I want to. This is mitigated somewhat by the fact that I’ll be writing 20-page papers for every class in

opinions editor email / phone

Rachel Braeuer opinions@the-peak.ca / 778.782.4560

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to gain more knowledge of the problems that my female journopeers face, but found myself regretting going after her reaction.

There is no reason a man can’t be feminist. Everyone can be an asshole. Most men love and respect women and want what is the best for them, as defined by women.

We are a social species, and there tends to be a cascade of follow-the-leader when things are normalized. So why not accept the help of the “enemy” and find a solution together? Last time I checked, women’s issues were everyone’s issues so lets

drop the fences a bit, and get rid of this archaic way of thinking.

If you are man, remember there are always things that we can never understand but if we

take the time to listen, we can help make a difference. It is time to man up, speak up and show these ladies our support.

And ladies, if a man is making a genuine effort to lead our sometimes egotistical gender in the right direction, please do not steer us off that path with discouraging comments. If we’re going in the wrong direction, don’t slash our tires, give us directions (you know we won’t ask for them.)

Let’s get on the same team and even the playing field; I promise you won’t regret it.

grad school come September, but whatever. This’ll be motivation to actually have the great summer people have been telling me to since the advent of yearbooks.

For once, I actually have plans that don’t involve sitting around in my underwear watching reruns of The Office twice a day, and it feels pretty good.

All I have left is one more paper — my honours thesis.

My grade for the entire semester depends on this, my funding for grad school depends on the grade I get. Do you think I’m fully finished a draft yet? Of course not. The idea of reading my resources terrifies me. It is the end.

Despite pulling in above average grades on all of my last few papers, this one just seems beyond me. What if I fuck it up?

What if it’s terrible? I will have let down myself, grad schools, and the professors who I’ve worked alongside for two years now. Sorry guys, there’s no joke here.

10 OPINIONS

The emphasis placed on one of the three biggest stories in the news last Monday really told a depressing story: a group of First Nations kids walked 1600 kilometres to send a message to Stephen Harper, but he went and visited some pandas instead, however the desperate Liberals will talk to the youth — just not these ones.

In case you’ve been living under a rock, I’ll spell it out for you. Inspired by the Idle No More movement, David Kawapit Jr. of the small and isolated community of Whapmagoostui, Quebec started off on a 1,600 kilometre trek with six others to raise awareness of the living conditions on reserve communities such as his in hope of a better future for tomorrow’s youth. By the time the group, known as the Nishiyuu Walkers, reached their goal of Ottawa, they had swelled in numbers to almost 300.

Rather receiving Kawapit and the other Nishiyuu, Harper elected to receive two gift pandas from China. “These pandas will help [Canada and China] to

From a completely practical standpoint, I believe the Evergreen Line is an unnecessary use of its projected $1.4 billion price tag. It will not provide Tri City residents with a previously unavailable route, but moreover it will not actually achieve one of its goals

learn more about one another while serving as a reminder of our deepening relationship,” Harper said of the symbolic gift.

Many have already criticized Harper for his choice, and rightfully so. “He should be getting his priorities straight, especially with the position he holds,” commented Sebastian Bearskin, one of the walkers. While the panda’s public arrival may aid a trade relationship, ignoring First

of uniting the Tri-Cities more strongly together.

The Evergreen Line will begin at the Lougheed Town Centre station and run along Clarke Road in the Burquitlam area, where a new Burquitlam Station will be built for the line.

From there, the Evergreen Line will continue down North Road en route to Port Moody until reaching the Barnet Highway in Coquitlam, where it will pass along to the Coquitlam Central Station and turn onto Pinetree Way, terminating at the Coquitlam campus of Douglas College.

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Nations youth sends an equally strong message, deepening the divide between politicians and their needs and concerns.

“How many more kilometres need to be walked before this Conservative government listens to First Nations people?” asked Niki Ashton, Manitoba NDP MP in parliament. A fair question, if you know the history of First Nations activism in Canada. In response to Trudeau’s proposed

If these stops sound familiar, they should. The Evergreen Line mirrors that of the 97 B-line. The bus route runs late (until 2:45 a.m., which is later than the last SkyTrain) and with great frequency — roughly every 10 minutes during the daytime, and every 30 minutes after 11 p.m.

There are also other options for people in the TriCities to take transit out of Coquitlam. Coquitlam Central Station offers the West Coast Express that runs all the way downtown, and the 160 bus runs from Port Coquitlam to

patriation of the Constitution that would have wiped away Aboriginal treaty rights, approximately 1,000 First peoples, from grandmothers to toddlers, made the 4,500 kilometre trek in protest.

How much farther until any government takes First Nations, and especially First Nations youth, seriously?

Aboriginal youth are the fastest growing demographic in the

country. “They are so often told they are the leaders of tomorrow. I’m here to say they are the leaders of right now. They are the leaders we’ve been waiting for,” announced Shawn Atleo, the national chief of the Assembly of First Nations, as the Nishiyuu’s journey came to an end. If First Nations youth are out in droves, willing to walk 1,600 kilometres in a political demonstration, why wouldn’t politicians want to meet them?

For all of the Liberal talk about the youth vote, I didn’t see Justin Trudeau at the walker’s rally. Sure, he tweeted “The Journey of Nishiyuu shows commitment to a better future for FN communities. Let’s equal that with real engagement” in both English and French, but a tweet just doesn’t suffice.

Canadian politicians’ lack of real engagement with First Nations youth, who are statistically more likely to be incarcerated than graduate high school, is an affront to their efforts to challenge this and many other dismal statistics. Do you get that, Trudeau, or are you the same as your father?

Instead of engaging with people who only care about approval from people with nice hair, or panda bears that only care about shoveling bamboo in their faces (and not the trade deals that will help decimate their natural habitat), politicians should be talking to the First Nations youth showing up on their doorsteps.

Coquitlam Central and out to Vancouver. Really, the TriCities (especially Coquitlam) is hardly starved for transit options.

with their Light Rapid Transit.

I’ve taken transit from Surrey Central to Langley, and there is zero efficient and reliable coverage. There are no express buses, and trips on routes that exist currently between the two areas take over an hour and run only once per hour after 9 p.m.

So much time is wasted on these trips because they cover indirect routes to service residential communities along

Surrey should have had priority over the Evergreen Line

...continued on page 13

OPINIONS

Hilary Mantel’s latest speech has raised a few eyebrows in the UK, mainly in response to her stinging comments on Kate Middleton. Mantel, an award-winning English writer, recently defended her speech by claiming that it is critical of the media’s objectification of the royal body.

In other words, it is a feminist critique of the perceived value of a royal woman as a breeding ground for future royal heirs.

When I read her speech, I wasn’t appalled by her allegedly harsh remarks on Kate.

Instead, I was taken aback by her overgeneralization of Kate’s lack of volition and the modern female gender role. I found her speech to be a grim indication of how we perpetuate rather than reduce gender stereotypes.

Mantel’s speech is infused with grating phrases like, “I saw Kate becoming a jointed doll on which certain rags are hung,” “a shopwindow mannequin, with no personality of her own,” and “designed by a committee and built by a craftsman.”

While she may be condemning Kate’s public image as projected by the media, she also treats Kate as a nonhuman being, a marionette with zero ability to exercise her own will. Apparently, Kate’s much celebrated fashion style is not even her own

April 2, 2013

invention, but that of the royal establishment.

Mantel goes on to suggest that Kate has been “chosen” for her role as a princess, completely disregarding that Kate and William chose to marry each other after several years of dating. Her feminist argument falls short because she presumes Kate to be a helpless woman who is incapable of asserting her agency even when it comes to styling her own outfits. This presumption bespeaks an oversimplified feminist ideology: women are always oppressed, so there is no way that Kate could have even chosen her blouse on her own.

Many argue that this is the crux of the issue with Kate: all she does is attend a few royal engagements, bedecked in designer outfits that every woman around the world immediately covets. But is Mantel really upset by Kate’s lack of identity outside of her fashion style (which, remember, is not even hers) or does her identity simply not fit what our society considers ideal?

The real issue is that Kate is not a career woman.

Her role as a royal housewife and a mother-to-be conflicts with the modern conception of the female gender role, which values

an independent, career-focused woman who can admirably balance both her work and home life.

One of Mantel’s statements, “the press will find . . .

[Kate’s] only point and purpose being to give birth,” rightfully condemns the media’s reduction of Kate to a mere reproductive organ. Yet it also suggests that to only be a mother somehow belittles a woman’s identity — that is to say, motherhood alone cannot satisfy the present model of an ideal woman.

Obviously, Mantel is not the only one thinking in faulty stereotypes. For many of us, it is often a matter of great surprise and embarrassment that housewives still exist.

However, the role of a housewife or a mother is not necessarily antithetical to female empowerment.

The choice to be a housewife is an assertion of the many rights (i.e. self-determination) that feminists have fought for so long for.

Nowadays, women have countless lifestyle choices at their disposal. Our society’s model of an ideal woman, as indicated in Mantel’s speech, is therefore completely at odds with the present reality, which requires that we challenge current gender stereotypes rather than simply replace traditional ones with more modern constructs of who a woman should be.

Besides, establishing notions of womanhood is entirely against the spirit of what feminism is about. It’s about time that we embrace the true meaning of female empowerment and stop dictating how women should live their lives.

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Parking Renewals SUMMER 2013 (APRIL 1 -­ APRIL 30, 2013) Renew Early to Retain Your Parking Status Avoid line ups & PURCHASE ONLINE Go to: www.sfu.ca/parking Permit holders who presently hold a valid 2013-­1 Spring Semester parking permit for B-­Lot, C-­Lot, West Mall, and Convo Mall must renew their permits for the SUMMER Semester -­ no later than

April 30, 2013

If renewing at the Parking Services Office, please ensure you bring the following information: Student ID card or Drivers License Vehicle registration (not required if accurate vehicle details are provided).

Please Note: 1) A vehicle may be registered to one account ONLY...

2) Payment can be made by cash, debit, visa, mastercard or money order.

3) B -­Lot Permits NOT renewed in April will be offered to new and returning students through an open sale starting on Monday April 15, 2013 All permits sold based on AVAILABILITY. 4) There will be an open sale for Reserved, and B-­lot 4 Day a Week permits, which will start on Monday April 15, 2013. These permits are sold on a first-­come first-­serve basis.

For more information, go to the Parking Website at www.sfu.ca/parking

PARKING SERVICES Location: WMC 3110 (West Mall Complex) Web Page: www.sfu.ca/parking Tel: 778-­782-­5534

E-­Mail: parking@sfu.ca

12 OPINIONS

the most significant principles that forwarded construction and operation of modern governments. Ideally, separation of church and state aims to mitigate the influence of individuals’ perceptions of morality and eliminate inequality borne by legal consolidation of religious beliefs.

The ongoing hearings regarding the legal validity of California’s same-sex marriage ban have re-raised several questions regarding legality and gay equality — principally in statements made by Supreme Justice Antonin Scalia when confronted during a guest lecture at Princeton last December.

Duncan Hosie, an 18-year-old gay student, denounced Scalia’s rulings in previous court cases that reduced homosexuality to actions “immoral and unacceptable.” Hosie specifically cited Lawrence v. Texas from 2003, in which Scalia compared homosexual conduct to bestiality, bigamy, adultery and obscenity before his coup de grace: Scalia reasoned that even if state law did not protect gays as a class, the state need not justify denial to equal protection by “anything more than a rational basis.”

Secularism is arguably one of

It has become chic to identify religious individuals as blind followers of arcane texts – inherently bigoted and inflexible. Pope Francis, recently sworn in, has espoused the necessity of interfaith dialogue to strengthen ties between all people. He included atheists in the discussion, considering them “precious allies in the effort to defend human dignity . . . and in carefully protecting creation.”

At the same time, he also espoused his antagonism to gay marriage in widely distributed quotes as a “destructive attack on

April 2, 2013

God’s plan,” calling gay adoption a “deprivation of human development.” If atheists, who outright deny the existence of god are more “moral” people than potentially religious gay married couples, what religious-based morals are we left with?

It has also become chic to identify governments as a monolithic creation of decaying social systems, but they too are composed of people — people who are stubborn and are tied to preconceptions of morality.

This highlights an interesting dichotomy in global politics: all governments operate under the principles of fundamentalism — religious or ideological — cloaked under the guise of morality. Scalia summarized the viewpoint to Hosie last December: “If we cannot have moral feelings against homosexuality, can we have it against murder?

Can we have it against these other things?”

Morality and absolute freedom constitute the great lie at the heart of nations. There can be no system of governance based on “morality” because the definition of morality varies drastically between individuals of different faiths and upbringings.

How can someone like Scalia defend the right to inequality by such a vague definition?

The right of the state to uphold inequality by a mythical and imagined “rational basis”?

What rationale can be considered sufficient to prevent individuals from loving one another without being demoted to second-class citizenship?

Moral law, human law and divine law all have their place in governance given the flexibility and the understanding of individuals that morality takes a backseat to equality. We cannot ridicule the Bible, the Qura’an or the Torah as being cast-iron documents without shaking our heads in disbelief at constitutionalists like Scalia for treating a human document as a sacrosanct wording handcrafted and delivered from Mount Philadelphia.

Obama’s recent defense of gay marriage under his “evolving” worldview has set a precedent that we cannot ignore.

We cannot deny this evolution of human understanding and cast those who fight for equality under derogatory terms like those Bill Whatcott did while hiding behind the very same rights we seek to deny others.

What kind of nation would we be? What kind of humans would we be?

OPINIONS

April 2, 2013

Dear editor, Re: Student Society says “We Like It On Top”

I bet you’ve seen those stupid commercials on TV for the Molson 67 beer, with some dude going jogging so he can enjoy a badass burger and an apparently palatable bottle of beer.

He sits down at a table in a bar with his friends, confident that he knows what he’s doing, and then tears a bite out of the burger. Notice that he has also ordered a Molson 67. Notice also that he never touches his goddamn drink. He looks at the waitress’s hand and takes a mean bite out of his burger with a look on his face that says “Oh hell no! I’mma eat this burger!”

Who markets their beer with its calorie count in the name, calls it a “guyet” beer, and then claims it’s not a diet beer? Who are diets for, then, anyways, demales?

Sometimes you have to spell it out for people. It’s like

...continued from page 10 the way, and thus take much more time than is necessary for people wanting a direct ride from Langley to Surrey.

With a population over 450,000 — more than the entire Tri Cities and Maple Ridge combined — Surrey is the obvious candidate for the next transit expansion, especially considering that Langley residents often live where they do because of cheaper housing costs not proximity to their job. Transit need in Coquitlam and Port Moody, with a combined population

running over your neighbour’s dog in front of their face, and then claiming that the dog ran into your tires.

There’s no person that I know, man nor woman, who would give two fucks about how many calories are in their goddamn beer, especially when they order a 2,000-calorie burger and fries combo.

The drink tastes so bad, it’s like their food would have to be a chase for every sip of their Molson 67. Any calories you avoid by drinking it in lieu of a real beer would be negated by the need to cover the taste with the nearest food item.

This has got to be the worst excuse for a beer I’ve ever had (and I’ve had close to 300 kinds.) If you bought a Molson and pissed in it, it would probably have more flavor.

This tastes like someone took half a bottle of Molson light and half a glass of water, mixed

of only 160,000 and with a fully functional express bus route, cannot compare to Langley and Surrey where a third of all vehicle registration growth in Metro Vancouver is happening.

Living in the Tri-Cities, I have witnessed the development in Coquitlam and Port Moody over the past five years and the high rises that have come along with it. With this development in mind, proponents of the Evergreen Line look to the Tri-Cities’ increasing population and the line’s close proximity to high rise construction as its selling point. However, it will take years for the population

it together and called it beer.

You’d be better off dressing up a pile of dog shit in a sweater and putting it up for adoption.

If you’ve “always wondered” about what it would taste like, let me give you an idea: it should come with directions on the bottle for how to consume it, reading “Pour directly in toilet.” The three per cent alcohol-by-volume shows that this has a fraction of the alcohol content of a normal beer.

Too bad it doesn’t even come close to having a fraction of the taste.

Think of another “light” econo-lager that some people actually drink, like a Bud Light, Miller Lite, or maybe just stick to water. You could always walk around for 10 minutes and earn the extra calories to drink a real beer, too.

Want a cheap lager that’s actually really smooth, and also in the same price range (cheaper than Molson 67)?

Pick up a case of High Country Kolsch by Mt. Begbie Brewing.

Don’t waste your money.

Buy a good beer, then take a guilt trip to the gym the next day like the rest of us. Just because it’s on Hockey Night in Canada doesn’t mean it’s worth drinking.

to increase to what Surrey’s is today, while Surrey population density continues to rise, leaving its residents trapped by its substandard transit infrastructure.

More to the point, the Evergreen Line’s goal of better connecting the Tri-Cities cannot be achieved based on the proposed route. Port Coquitlam and Port Moody do not factor into the line’s route. For this reason and for those listed above, I’m sad to think a more united Surrey and Langley transit system did not achieve precedence over the already well connected Coquitlam and Port Moody infrastructure.

The proposed gondola for Burnaby Mountain was spearheaded by the manufacturer looking to make another sale (after installing the Peak2Peak gondola in Whistler).

Rather than ending gridlock, the proposed cable car would facilitate the speedy development of the UniverCity community. Left unmentioned are the added service vehicle trips on Burnaby Mountain roads to the upper gondola station’s viewing tower, restaurant (and casino) and condos.

A few years ago, in a moment of candor, the mayor of Burnaby, Derek Corrigan, gushed about the financial benefits to the city of the cable car as a tourist attraction (not as a mode of transportation). TransLink’s budget allocation to build and operate the gondola would in fact take away from traditional transit service for private profit A key argument claimed in favour of the proposed Burnaby Mountain cable car is that it will cut the travel time in half between Production Way Station and

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SFU campus. But it is the door-to-door trip time that really counts.

Leaving my home around 7:30am on a weekday, TransLink’s Trip Planner web site informs me that it will take about 34 minutes to reach the central plaza on campus. With the proposed cable car, the same trip from home to campus may take about 36 minutes.

One quarter of this time is walking uphill in the rain from the upper “Town Centre” gondola station to the central campus plaza.

A TransLink information sheet advised that bus operations on Burnaby Mountain are interrupted or delayed on an average of about 10 days a year. Can we believe that a mid-air cable car will be more reliable in icing conditions, electrical storms, or gusting winds?

The proposed cable car is a tourist attraction and property development bauble but it may not be a public transportation improvement. Cable cars are simply “lipstick on a pig” of poor urban development..

Sincerely, Derek Wilson Concerned Community Resident

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ARTS

Justin Timberlake makes it look easy. He oozes charisma and charm with what seems like little to no effort, and his appeal seems to stretch endlessly: It’s hard to think of anyone besides Timberlake whom out-of-touch sweater-knitting grandmothers and latte- sipping Williamsburg bohemians can agree on.

At the heart of The 20/20 Experience — an album that substitutes the stark modernity of 2006’s FutureSex/LoveSounds for 70s-style rhythm and soul — is Timberlake, whose versatile vocals and irresistible conviction anchor even the most experimental and exploratory sections of the album. Whether he’s channeling Al Green on “Suit & Tie” or waxing poetic on album standout “Blue Ocean Floor”, Timberlake’s vocals never misstep.

The album marks the longawaited return of Timberlake, following a six-year hiatus wherein the singer pursued acting and internet entrepreneurship. It also marks a comeback for producer and pop music

arts editor email / phone

April 2, 2013

royalty Timbaland. The duo’s musical partnership has never been stronger: On “Tunnel Vision”, Timbaland flirts with electronica blips and vocal samples, whereas single “Mirrors” is a return to the lush, dramatic production which we’ve come to expect from the producer.

The 20/20 Experience will surely earn more than its fair share of detractors: song lengths average at about seven minutes, and tend towards slow, insistent grooves rather than sugary, immediate hooks.

Timberlake’s lyrics haven’t improved, either; they don’t distract, but at best they amount to the creative equivalent of a 14-year-old’s Tumblr account.

But as a whole, The 20/20 Experience is the perfect distillation of everything we love about Justin Timberlake. His enthusiasm is palpable and infectious, and it makes this expansive and potentially overstuffed album feel balanced and, at its best, ethereal.

Dear The Strokes, What happened? Your songs got me through high school. They mended my broken heart and helped me complete countless mixtapes. Sure, your angst-ridden faux-apathetic lyrics were never great, and lead singer Julian Casablancas’ bitter drawl verged on Rage Against the Machine levels of over-saturation on more than one occasion.

But it was real between us: The songs were honest and seemed to be able to tell me more about what being a teenager was really all about than any teacher or parent or afterschool special ever could. I even shelled out $50 so I could buy the UK pressing of Is This It, the one with the ass on the cover and the alternate track list.

Your music made me feel alive like nothing else did, and listening to it six years down the road — having substituted tee shirts for sweater vests and acne cream for shaving cream — it still holds up.

So where did it go wrong between us? Was it the second half of your third record, First Impressions of Earth, which somehow managed to sound both more bloated and more empty than anything that had come before? Was it Angles, whose

Daryn Wright arts@the-peak.ca / 778.782.4560

songs sounded even more impersonal than the email correspondence through which the album was written? Or were the signs always there, even if I didn’t want to see them?

Comedown Machine is your weakest effort yet: those A-ha style synths and Duran Duran guitars were lame 30 years ago, and they’re lame now. Julian still can’t sing falsetto, and he spends most of the album sounding distant, tired and completely unenthusiastic.

Maybe it’s not coincidence that this matches my reaction when listening to this record.

The songs are just plain bad, and the occasional half-hearted guitar solo or snicker-inducing lyric aren’t enough to save this train wreck.

I’m sorry, The Strokes, but I don’t think things can continue between us. It’s clear your hearts just aren’t in it anymore. You made one essential album and one great one, and that’s more than most bands can say. My advice would be to quit while you’re — well, not ahead — but at least before you manage to make another album as mind-numbingly boring and painfully disappointing as Comedown Machine.

With love.

Throwback Review

There’s an interesting challenge when it comes to writing critically about something that you feel a deep, personal connection to.

“Damage” is the song I listened to after breaking up with my longterm girlfriend; “Autumn Sweater” was the first track on the best mixtape I ever made; songs like “Center of Gravity” and “Spec Bebop” helped get me into bossa nova and noise rock, which I might never have found otherwise.

The songs on this album are

inextricable from my own personal experiences, and it feels unfair to review them under the guise of unbiased objectivity. I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One is, absolutely, one of my desert island albums.

What lead guitarist Ira Kaplan, drummer Georgia Hubley and bassist James McNew accomplish with this album is astonishing.

I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One is one of the most varied albums in the history of rock music: the band experiment with Neil

Young-style folk, shoegaze, ambience, noise pop and old fashioned rock ‘n roll across 16 tracks. The 70-minute runtime is more beneficial than bloated; there are few albums so expansive and multifaceted as this one that still leave me wanting more.

To me, the album’s best quality is its distinct and aching sense of intimacy. Songs like “Autumn Sweater” and “Damage” capture something sublime and intangible about being young, awkward and in love, whereas “Shadows” and “Green Arrow” are quiet, contemplative sanctuaries amidst the album’s louder, more dynamic tracks.

As capable as they are in their slower numbers, Yo La Tengo also make a fantastically noisy rock band, and it would be a mistake to presume that all of the album’s strongest points are in its quieter, more solitary moments. Tracks

like “Sugarcube” and “Deeper Into Movies” are perfect songs to blast on a summery day with the car windows rolled down, and 10-minute jam session “Spec Bebop” is a perfect showcase for the trio’s talent as instrumentalists and for their creative chemistry.

These three are always perfectly in sync, and it’s the reason their songs are so great.

But even though I love each song for completely different reasons, the album hits me the hardest when it turns the volume down and chooses composure over cacophony. Ira and Georgia’s tender, whispery vocals — especially when they sing together — along with the band’s talent for minimalistic song structures are what stand out to me, and ultimately make I Can Hear the Heart Beating as One one of maybe 10 albums that on any given day I might call my very favourite.

ARTS

April 2, 2013

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about it after becoming friends with Phyllis Webb when he lived on Salt Spring Island. Webb had attended UBC and was a radio broadcaster in 1963, preparing a program for CBC about the Vancouver Poetry Conference.

McTavish learned that Webb’s program never aired, and the project gained momentum after digging up her old recordings.

George Bowering, now an award-winning poet, author, and professor emeritus in SFU’s English Department, was finishing his degree at UBC in 1963. ENG 410 — also known as the Vancouver Poetry Conference — was the last course he took in the summer of ’63 before leaving for a job in Calgary as a professor.

The 1963 Vancouver Poetry Conference at UBC is referred to as a “defining moment in the history of North American poetry.” Five American radical poets were invited, as well as one Canadian, all of whom had been vilified or ignored by academics for the new open form they were writing in.

“These were the people I already read, and I imagine it was a fairly similar situation for others,” explains Bowering of the guest instructors. Listing poets such as Charles Olsen, Robert Creeley, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Robert Duncan, and Gregory Corso, Bowering says that they were already on their radar, but “not mentioned in the classroom.”

Organized by UBC professor Warren Tallman and American poet Robert Creeley as a threeweek summer intensive, the ENG 410 syllabus included discussions, workshops, lectures, and readings. The influential guest instructors were Charles Olsen, Allen Ginsberg, Robert Duncan, Robert Creeley, Denise Levertov, and Margaret Avison.

Filmmaker Robert McTavish said the conference was an “intense incubator.” He was inspired to create a documentary

In 2009, as McTavish was becoming immersed in the documentary, Stephen Collis of the SFU English Department organized a reunion symposium for a dozen writers who were attendees at the 1963 Vancouver Poetry Conference. These nowinfluential and award-winning authors were Bernice Lever, Maria Hindmarch, George Bowering, Daphne Marlatt, Robert Hogg, Michael Palmer, Jamie Reid, Judith Copithorne, Fred Wah, Clark Coolidge, Pauline Butling, and Lionel Kearns.

The reunion symposium, also called “The Line Has Shattered”, took place on Aug. 14, 2009 — 46 years after the original conference.

Now, 50 years after that landmark event, McTavish has begun screening his documentary film, The Line Has Shattered, featuring interviews with attendees, original material from the unaired CBC program, and even original audio recordings of the lectures and readings. The audio recordings were created due to a request from Warren Tallman, who instructed one of the students in 1963 to record lectures and readings.

That student, running around with a Wollensak 4-track, is now an award-winning author and the current Poet Laureate of Canada, Fred Wah. He donated his reel-toreel tapes to the Slought Foundation and they were digitized and remastered in 2002.

Listening to these original recordings was awe-inspiring, as the poetry washed over the film’s audience at the Vancouver

premiere on March 21, But unfortunately, I was left confused as to who was reading whom, as the screen only showed a poet’s headshot and some fragmentary words. A simple lower third on the screen denoting the speaker and what they were reading from would have sufficed.

Knowing only the bare bones, I felt the film required a bit more set-up and identification of individuals. Its narrative, although eloquently delivered by Phyllis Webb, catered to those who played a previous role in the pivotal event.

As McTavish explained in a telephone interview after the screening, “The whole idea behind the film is to show how the five poets inspired a generation of young poets . . . my whole goal was to get to the bottom of the conference, and share it, and let [the audience] take it however they wanted.”

Bowering expressed that as students, they were “enamoured with these poets” and “star struck.” All five poets were friends and contemporaries who had exchanged letters with each other, but had never been

all in the same room together.

“They were knocking us out of our socks,” reeled Bowering. In the film, poet Michael Palmer states it eloquently and simply: “these tiny events have a resonance.”

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16 ARTS

War.Requiem is a physically and emotionally demanding contemporary dance piece that focuses on the negative psychological transformation that evolves out of war. Taking a fresh approach to the spring dance performance, SFU’s School of Contemporary Arts uses dance, music and digital art to portray the harsh effects that war can have on the individual psyche.

This collaborative is

Let me preface this by saying I love cheese. I mean, I really, really love cheese. If I could eat cheese as a meal, I would, but I realize that would probably not be very nutritious.

Despite this, I eat cheese as often as I can, so when I found out about Benton Brothers Fine Cheese, I was more than excited.

This place carries a wide array of handmade cheeses, ranging from rustic sheep’s milk cheeses from the Basque, tart nutty goat cheeses from France, to some of the best varieties from across Canada.

They also offer various accompaniments like olives, cornichons, dried figs and cherries, as well as a selection of cured meats to complete the most perfect charcuterie plate you could ever imagine.

With three locations — West 41st, Cambie Village, and Granville Island — you will never be left without cheese again. Thank goodness for that.

April 2, 2013

composed by a myriad of choreographers (among them 605 Collective, Shawna Elton, Vanessa Goodman and Rob Kitsos) who have used their own experiences and perspectives of war to create individual dances that are shown as a whole.

Inspiration for War.Requiem first emerged from Rob Kitsos, whose stepfather worked as a journalist at the National Public Radio in the United States. During this time, Kitsos’ stepfather wrote many articles that focused on posttraumatic stress disorder — a disorder that greatly influenced Kitsos’ creation of War. Requiem.

The idea of the performance flourished even further with the contribution of music composer Gabriel Saloman, who recommended the book Trauma and Recovery to Kitsos. This book

discusses how war distorts a soldier’s sense of reality, specifically how they are unable to differentiate between love and hate, right and wrong, resulting in a loss of a sense of reality.

If you’re a jazz fan, consider this weekend planned.

George Coleman will be performing April 5–7 at the Cellar Jazz club in the memory of Ross Taggart, whom Coleman taught in the early 90s.

Tenor saxophonist Coleman has played with some of the biggest names in jazz: for a couple of years, he was a member of the Miles Davis Quintet alongside Herbie Hancock, Ron Carter and Tony Williams, and later recording Maiden Voyage with Herbie Hancock.

This is a great opportunity to hear a legend play outside of New York City, whether you’re a fan or have neglected to listen to jazz before, in which case you should start now.

The Arts Club presents 2 Pianos 4 Hands, an autobiographical production written, directed, and starred

by Ted Dykstra and Richard Greenblatt. The play has become one of Canada’s most successful theatrical productions, and in this farewell performance, creators and stars will lead the audience through a comical narrative of their childhood of piano lessons.

The two of them are selfprofessed “extraordinarily good failed musicians,” demonstrating their virtuoso displays of technique on stage. If you can relate to the tortures — or joys — of learning piano as a child, or if you just really enjoy humour coupled with piano music, this one is probably worth catching. It runs until April 14.

War.Requiem uses music, powerful imagery and brief storytelling to weave together an interdependent movement of

dancers who draw on their own personal emotional experience to create a moving masterpiece.

Throughout the show, a female dancer wrapped in paper walks at an easy pace across the stage. As the performance progresses, she slowly unwraps the paper around her body. By the end, all of the paper is gone and she stands there in a nude leotard.

There are multiple interpretations of this female dancer and the change she undergoes, contingent on the audience’s understanding of war and personal experiences. This, along with the interdisciplinary element, is what makes the piece so multi-faceted.

Kitsos hopes War.Requiem will inspire audiences, and that through this the psychological side-effects of war can be

The Audain Gallery presents Syllogisms, an SFU School for Contemporary Arts MFA Spring Exhibition. The idiosyncratic display features work from MFA students, ranging from visual art, live performances, and contemporary dance works. The syllogism is a formal system of logic, containing three categorical propositions: two premises and one conclusion. In the context of the exhibition, the syllogism symbolizes the interdisciplinary group of artists exploring several different “premises” and meanings through their practice.

The exhibit will be running until April 6, so if you’re on the downtown campus and have some time to spare, why not pay a visit and support your fellow SFU students.

broken. Through reintegration into society, victims of war can learn how to become human again War.Requiem is “For everyone who loves dance and everybody who isn’t quite sure,” says dancer Akeisha de Baat. Do not miss this moving and imaginative production by the SFU School of Contemporary Art. The effect it has is transformative.

War.Requiem will be on stage April 4 – 6 at the Fei and Milton Wong Experimental Theatre at Goldcorp Centre for the Arts, 149 W. Hastings.

Tickets are $10 for students and seniors, and $15 for general.

If you’re itching to bust out those high-waisted floral silks and cateye sunglasses, you’re not alone.

With spring visibly among us, now is the best time to update your wardrobe a bit.

Stop in at Burcu’s Angels, located at East 16th, just off of Main St. for some of the most unique vintage finds in the city. The glass display case in the front is filled with jewels and pendants, whether you’re looking for something a little art deco, or some fun 80s-style baubles.

The shelves are filled with row upon row of 50s florals, fringed shawls, one of a kind summer dresses, as well as light tweed blazers for men. Don’t forget to stop in the back room when you visit: this is where the really old stuff is, including gorgeous Edwardian floorlength dresses, brocade-laden velvet jackets, and little beaded clutches. It is on the pricier side, but the owner is usually willing to make a deal, and if you still can’t afford anything, Burcu’s will at least provide a little sartorial inspiration for those sunny days we’re all looking forward to.

SPORTS

sports editor email / phone

April 2, 2013

Bryan Scott sports@the-peak.ca / 778.782.4560

17

The team reached out to Big Brothers as several team members were already involved with the organization individually, including offensive lineman Jeremy Pearce.

The Clan football team is well into the spring training season, but they still set aside time in their busy student-athlete schedules to give back. The team recently created the Clan Football Team-Up Community Outreach Program, and is becoming more involved in the community that supports them.

They started the program in hopes of being able to support the community and give back in the Burnaby and Greater Vancouver area. The first project the team took on was organizing a charitable concert to raise funds for the Big Brothers of Greater Vancouver.

The event proved to be a success. Last weekend at their annual inter-squad match, following the completion of their Spring Training Camp, the team presented a 1,600 dollar cheque to the organization.

“We are really happy with the success of our event which allowed us to donate 1,600 dollars to the program,” Pearce said. “Big Brothers is a very deserving organization, presenting the cheque last weekend was a very exciting first step for us.”

The team is also beginning to collect used electronics from now until April 24 to raise money for the Law Enforcement Torch Run for Special Olympics BC. Through the Think Recycles fundraising program they will cash in used

Following a dominating 7–0 run into the season, the Clan’s first defeat of the season in conference games came at their first away match up.

They beat opposing teams game after game at home in their opening seven games to form an impressive seven-game winning streak before the Clan fell to a 8–0 defeat at the hands of Western Oregon University. It was the Clan’s first away game in the conference this season, and it proved to be too big of a change for a team seemingly in top form and well-focused.

Kelsey Hawkins was named Red Lion Co Pitcher of the Week which brought some good news to a team that had seemingly lost a lot of the confidence it had built over the first few games.

Following seven noteworthy performances, the Clan has only managed to get one win out of a possible four, which included dismal 8–0 and 9–0 defeats.

Renney had pointed to a long fight ahead with “many games and many practices” to come. Now it seems, that’s exactly the reality for the Clan. It’s going to be a long run to the finish line, as players will need to be fully focused and in their best form week-in, week-out to achieve their goals and fans’ expectations.

The Clan has used their non-conference game well, to regain some energy and to rejuvenate before continuing conference games again. With two good performances by a rather inexperienced group of players against Concordia University Cavaliers.

Hawkins was stellar once again in the second game of two against the Cavaliers, going six innings, striking out seven, and allowing only one run.

electronics to earn money to donate to the charity.

Abolishing the “jock” stereotype is not the goal of the program, but the players hope that their community work will influence people

to see their potential as leaders in the community and the school.

“We have a lot planned for the future,” continued Pearce. “The community fuels our program, so being as involved as we can is

extremely important.”

Fans can learn more about the team’s endeavours by liking the Clan Football Team-Up Community Outreach Program on Facebook.

Clan Softball.

As Renney had warned throughout the dominating start

to the conference games, there is “still lots of work to do […] we’re not where we want to be.”

The Clan is well readied for two big games against the Northwest Nazarene University and Central Washington University, which may prove crucial in the team’s mindset for the latter stages of the season.

The Clan’s winning streak was snapped, but the team has its future in its own hands and is well capable of achieving what is expected of them. With group of veteran players and a strong leader in coach Renney, things seem to be in place for a return to top form by this team in the coming games. It seemed like the Clan were going to run over every opponent, but it’s certain now that there are some big opponents in this conference, and that there’s a big fight ahead for

18 SPORTS

Growing up in Toronto, a young Nayo Raincock-Ekunwe was always the tallest kid in her classes at school. It was her height that led to her picking up basketball in third grade, and her passion and love of the sport has grown ever since.

Now as a senior at Simon Fraser University, the first International school to become a member of the National Collegiate Athletic Association, Raincock-Ekunwe has made a name for herself and her team in the United States and in the basketball world.

In her final season with the SFU Clan, the 6’2” forward has broken two Great Northwest Athletic Conference records and led the Clan women to season-high sixth-place national ranking. At the end of 2012 she broke the conference record for most rebounds in a game with 24 against Trinity Western University and in early 2013 she broke the conference record for career double-doubles with 49, despite only having been in the conference for three years.

With the senior leading her squad, the SFU women advanced to a historic sweet-16 finish in the NCAA National tournament, earning GNAC and West Region runner-up spots along the way.

Raincock-Ekunwe, who averaged 16.8 points per game in her final season, topped the NCAA Div. II field goal percentage rankings for most of 2013, with a 65.1 shooting percentage in her final year. She was also the GNAC leader in rebounds, averaging 12.4 each game, and was fourth in the nation in that category.

The success she had in her senior season seems natural to many people, but the soft-spoken athlete confessed that she has put in a lot of work to get this far. “In my first year at SFU it was a big change. Going from the best player on your high school team to a more secondary position was hard for me. I was able to take it a little bit easy.”

After her freshman year, however, the Clan lost their core group of seniors to NCAA eligibility rules — the CIS allowed

April 2, 2013

athletes five years of competition, but the NCAA only allowed four — so in her sophomore year her role changed again. “I knew that I had to step up my game and put a lot more work in during my second season. I didn’t do as much as I should have as a freshman because I knew I wouldn’t play much, but I became a starter a year later so I had to push myself to improve my game.”

The Clan’s head coach Bruce Langford agrees that her progress has been outstanding, and that the work she put in over the years has truly paid off. “When she came in as a rookie she was an amazing athlete, that is certainly true, but she lacked focus and was not motivated to reach higher. Since that time she has become more and more committed and much more skilled on the court. She is always looking to maximize her potential.”

And the natural-born athlete is looking to be her best in all facets of her collegiate

experience, including in the classroom, though that has been a journey as well.

“School came very easy to me in high school, and I thought it would be the same at university,” she explained. “I was wrong and my grades suffered as a freshman, so I have been working ever since to improve my GPA and step up my academics. SFU has very high academic standards, so while it can be difficult at times, I never want anything to come too easily to me. I’m glad I’ve had those challenges.”

Teammate Carla Wyman, who has played with RaincockEkunwe since the age of 17, says that watching her friend grow as

a player and a person has been extremely special. “She has all this raw athleticism, and now that she is really focusing on becoming a better technical player, her talent is unreal. She works extremely hard in practice, and cares so much about the game and the team that the rest of us can’t help but care.”

At the end of her collegiate career Raincock-Ekunwe holds 12 GNAC records, an outstanding feat, but one that does not define her. “Nayo is a great example and leader for the younger players,” continued Langford. “She leads by example and demonstrates her commitment through her actions.”

She also picked up numerous honours in her final season, being voted a Daktronics second-team All-American; the first basketball All-American by an athlete from a non-American school. She was also the 2013 GNAC Player of the Year, and was named a first-team All-star in both the GNAC and the West Region.

Despite all the success, Raincock-Ekunwe has also had to overcome some adversity in her career, missing out on competing for the Pan American and FISU teams that she made because of appendicitis. “She handled her return following that disappointment very well,” Langford explained.

Now on her way out of collegiate athletics, the two-time Basketball British Columbia University Player of the Year has high hopes for her future, but knows that like her honours so far, future success will not come easily.

“I would love to play professionally in the future,” she confessed. “Maybe in Europe or South America. Lots of Clan alumni have done so and I might wish to follow in their footsteps, if I am able to push myself to that level one day.”

Either way, RaincockEkunwe knows, that basketball is a part of who she is, and will always be a part of her life.

FEATURES

At 4:30 am, Kalarupini and her one prep assistant arrive at the Commercial community kitchen at their temple, and begin to cook that day’s veggie lunch. They usually finish several hours later, after which Kalarupini takes her kids to school, and then comes up to SFU with her assistant Laura.

Veggie lunch has been around for many years, serving completely vegetarian and vegan plates of food Mondays through Thursdays 11:30 a.m. until 2:30 p.m. It was originally started by then-student Dan, who was concerned about the lack of vegetarian

April 2, 2013

options on campus and began a vegetarian club.

Since then, veggie lunch has changed owners twice, and it is now Kalarupini and Laura that are a regular sight in Forum Chambers, often greeting their regulars by name. “We always have regulars,” says Kalarupini as she waves to a young man passing by. “Most people that come by are regulars, and they come every day they have classes.”

At SFU, the plates are a suggested donation of $5 and always come with rice, some sort of vegetarian meal, dessert, and a drink. The pair rarely has leftovers from the

popular lunch, but when they do, they are given out at their temple or to homeless and hungry individuals.

“It is our dharma to spread consciousness of not hurting other living beings,” explains Kalarupini over the sounds of spiritual music.

The proceeds cover the cost of ingredients, many of which are bought at an Indian food store on Fraser St, with whom they have a friendly relationship. Any additional revenue is donated to charities and used to run their other programs.

The two women are with Hare Krishna Food For Life

(HKFFL), the largest vegetarian and vegan food relief organization with independent branches all over the world.

HKFFL also serves 500 hot meals per week in local organizations such as the Downtown Eastside Women’s Center and First United Church. They also send funds to an orphanage and school in India, and are responsible for various programs in the community.

They are trying to go beyond what they are already doing and are planning Love and Beyond, a community outreach event in the Downtown Eastside’s Oppenheimer Park on July 27. The event will

19

last from 9 a.m. until 5 p.m., and will include spiritual music, a free yoga tent and, of course, free veggie lunch.

“Everybody, the whole community, is welcome to come,” says Kalarupini. “We need many volunteers.”

The veggie lunch crew is very small, says Kalarupini, but the women are also looking to get involved with other groups do more programs at SFU, including things like chanting and a movie screening.

Want updates? Friend “New Veggie Lunch” on Facebook.

Don’t be so quic k to stigmati ze an entir e

literary gen

hen I told my friends that I had purchased a ticket to a Nicholas Sparks book discussion and signing, the reactions ranged from “You like that crap?” to “Who’s Nicholas Sparks again? Oh, him?”

But as soon as I mentioned a) the entire thing was a ploy to earn a profit by reselling my signed book on eBay; b) free cocktails were provided; and c) I wanted to see Josh Duhamel in the flesh, all was well again.

It struck me then that women who like Nicholas Sparks novels — or any type of contemporary romance novel — are typecast as some sort of inferior simpleton. If I am seen reading a Jane Austen novel for class, people tend to assume for some reason that I must love her books and I’m one of “those girls:” the girl with her head up in the clouds dreaming about some Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet.

The point is, once people see me this

there’s a difference between one person’s unfair summary and an existing stereotype. The problem is that we don’t get to choose the stereotypes that come with our interests.

So the question is: are romance novels as worthless as our society deems them to be? And should they be deemed as unintellectual books for women?

Any English literature student will know the difference between the early eighteenth and nineteenth century romance novel and the contemporary definition of a romance novel, but the “romance novel” didn’t always mean a sappy love story that ends with an almost guaranteed happily ever after.

According to the Oxford Dictionary of Literary Terms, the romance novel was characterized by “improbable adventures of idealized characters in some remote or enchanted setting.”

The very definition of a romance novel requires it to oppose realism.

way, no matter what I say afterwards, I’ll usually be met with skepticism.

The statement “what we read reflects who we are” is true to a certain degree; it’s a representation of the types of things we are interested in. If I want to read beautiful ornate sentences that are five lines long, I might read Dickens. If I want to read depressing novels about how a regressive society punishes modern personalities, I might read some Thomas Hardy.

And if I want to read about social class and young women falling in love — I’d read Jane Austen? It somehow doesn’t sound quite as respectable.

Those watered down descriptions;

The common critique that romance novels are “unrealistic” is a bit of a cheap shot if the genre isn’t suppose to be realistic — which many of great novels aren’t.

The assumption that romance novels have no merit and only attract foolish and impressionable young women is an age-old belief. Initially the stigma applied to all novels. In fact, it irritated Jane Austen so much that she incorporated the issue in her novel Northanger Abbey.

“I never read novels; I have something else to do,” she wrote. “Novels are all so full of nonsense and stuff.”

These words are uttered by one of

re

Austen’s most irksome dimwitted characters, John Thrope, but if we add the word “romance,” then the above sentence sounds like something we’d hear today.

I went into Sparks’s book signing event for the promotion of his latest movie adaption of Safe Haven as someone who scoffed at his redundant and poorly written stories. I firmly believed (and still do) that he was milking the former success of The Notebook for all that it was worth.

It really doesn’t help that each and every single poster advertisement for a Sparks novel-adapted film features the same image of Caucasian romance. If the posters are all the same, advertisers are also suggesting that the novel-based films are the same — and for the most part, I suppose they are: someone dies, someone cries, and two white people fall in love somewhere in North Carolina.

But the truth is, his new novel Safe Haven isn’t awful. I won’t venture so far as to say it was original or even well written, but Sparks writes in a third person limited narrative throughout and switches between three characters. His exploration of an OCD sociopathic husband’s psychology was interesting, and his heroine’s escape was well plotted.

It was almost a book about a strong independent woman who took a stand and ran away from her abusive husband — until she ran right into the arms of the next available and attractive man, after which it became a fullfledged romance novel. The point is, it wasn’t just a silly Nicholas Sparks romance novel; I left the book signing focusing less on his limited range of adjectives and more on things worth focusing on, like how a normal writer might sit down and write from the point of view of a sociopathic police officer.

Sparks explained that he wanted to write a novel with an element of danger, and given the choice between a dangerous person or a dangerous place, he decided a person was more interesting to explore. In fact, the passages that explore the character’s psychology are chilling.

It reminded me that domestic abuse occurs in a variety of ways and sometimes goes completely undetected, but that doesn’t make the problem any less urgent. Certainly, if a romance novel is able to bring these issues up, it can’t be completely worthless, simple, nor exclusively for women.

Maya Rodale is a proud romance reader and author of Novels, Explained, which was based off of research she conducted for her MA at NYU. But she hadn’t always endorsed the genre, and had been reluctant to even begin. “When my mom suggested I read romance novels, I laughed and said ‘Maybe when I’m finished reading Ulysses and other serious literature,’ ” Rodale has said.

She knew how to mock romance novels well before she had even read one — and that poses an interesting question about the stigmatization of romance novels. We’ve all done it at some point: scoffed at the mention of Twilight, Fifty Shades of Grey, or any

Nicholas Sparks novel, often mocking the books before we’ve even read them.

The scorn and shame surrounding romance novels that began in the 18th century has since been passed down the generations despite transformations within the genre. But what is so particularly dangerous, so awful, and so nonsensical about romance novels? Rodale believes it is in part because romance novels depict female characters in scenarios where they are ultimately rewarded for living and loving to a higher standard despite all odds.

Jane Austen, for example, writes romance novels in the sense that they are about the great man hunt and are also unrealistic. Not only do her heroines live after the last page is written, but they also marry charming rich men who love them back. While Austen is a canonical author, many students would never read her books unless they are required by a course — and even then, they are hard pressed to say the novel was enjoyable.

Last semester I took a course on Jane Austen that required reading every single Austen novel, be it finished or not. Every single person in

There are a million differences between canonical works of literature and contemporary romance novels, but one interesting fact to note is that the former often feature women who choose love and passion in life, and end with her death — usually in suicide, as exemplified in Anna Karenina and Madame Bovary. They are also written by men, as if to condemn and warn women about what could happen if they aren’t dutiful wives.

my seminar was a female. Whether the assumption is spoken or sidestepped in some subtle manner, there exists the idea that even Austen’s novels are not as worthy as those of Charles Dickens or other male canonical authors.

I’ve read a few contemporary romance novels and they all seem to be about a woman figuring out her feelings about who she loves, and then pursuing that. Based on my perhaps

limited experience with romance novels, they are all pro-choice, proself-discovery, and pro-love.

When a male author writes from a male perspective and begins a journey of self-discovery in order to sort through his feelings about a girl, the novel is often written for teenagers, read again by a predominantly female audience, and the object of the hero’s affection is usually some complex unhappy girl. We can look to examples such as Looking for Alaska, Paper Towns, and The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Must we be unhappy in order to be complex? And must all women be unhappy in great works of literature?

Traditionally, this approach was born out of a fear that women would now have free choice. They couldn’t own property, divorce, or fight for custody, but romance novels presented them with the choice of perhaps being able to choose who they married at the very least. “[M]an has the advantage of choice, woman only the power of refusal,” says Northanger Abbey’s Henry Tilney. Women can choose whose marriage proposal they want to accept, which is not to say they won’t be faced with the threat of dying poor and alone if they refuse, only that they have the basic choice.

But how does this translate to our contemporary Western culture, where women can vote, own property, marry, divorce and fight for custody? Why do romance novels still carry such stigma? It could be that many of them are poorly written, but surely not all. Comic books don’t usually qualify as intellectually stimulating pieces of text either, and yet they aren’t met with the same flames of fury that romance novels receive. As with many nuances and double standards in our society, this may be one that will continue to be explored by feminist scholars for decades.

It’s simply not fair to assume someone is an idiot because they read romance novels once in awhile, and it does not mean the characters will inspire the exact same mistakes. Not all romance novels are worthless pieces of writing that are only meant for female readers, and not all romance novels deserve our scorn. While romance novels are certainly capable of being superficial and sappy, they are nonetheless a genre like any other and at the very least deserve to be looked at critically before being written off completely.

22 DIVERSIONS / ETC Across 1- _ well...

5- Muscat native 10- Bed support 14- Falsehoods 15- Aired again 16- Gap 17- Bard’s river 18- Cadge 19- Fit to _ 20- Equinox mo.

21- Dejected 23- Journey 25- Toward the mouth 26- Vigorous 29- Artificial 33- _ Ababa 35- Large wading bird 37- Bikini part 38- Hollow grass 39- Belt site 40- Uncle Remus title 41- Young _ 42- Trio 43- Precipice 44- Exam taker 46- Climbed 48- Bailiwick 50- Lives in rented rooms 53- French national holiday 58- Floor covering 59- Assist, often in a criminal act 60- Breakfast fruit 61- Cancun coin 62- Carbonized fuel 63- Maker of Pong 64- “Only Time” singer 65- Household 66- Grannies 67- Rat- _ ;

Down 1- As _ resort 2- Alcohol processor 3- Female spotted cat 4- Nine-digit ID 5- Alloy of copper and zinc 6- Cat call 7- “East of Eden” brother 8- Tortilla topped with cheese

9- Innate 10- Broken fragments 11- Trent of the Senate 12- “Hard _ !” (sailor’s yell) 13- Ticked (off) 21- Ball belles 22- Bern’s river 24- Empty 27- Sign of injury 28- Attempts 30- Curtailment

April 2, 2013

31- Not kosher 32- Middle Eastern coffee holder 33- Stuck in _ 34- Sand hill by the sea 36- Just _ !

39- Helmsman 40- Ran, as colors 42- Actress Garr 43- Satiate 45- Gossip 47- Singer Morissette

49- Prince Valiant’s wife 51- Gut course 52- Brown ermine 53- “Goldberg Variations” composer 54- Peek follower 55- Thin stratum 56- Brio 57- “David Copperfield” wife 61- Green shade;

HUMOUR

humour editor email / phone

April 2, 2013

Gary Lim humour@the-peak.ca / 778.782.4560

23

is done. Goodnight.

the world, and my views may not be very well “conceived,” but I strongly believe that freedom of speech is total bullshit. Again, say whatever you want, this is simply what I believe and I think I should be allowed to express it without fear of being chastised.

Feel free to disagree with me on this, but I don’t think that people should be allowed to express themselves freely on any topic.

This isn’t to say that I believe that no one has a right to speak their mind; it’s just my personal feeling that any idiot shouldn’t be automatically given the right to spew their ignorant and illconceived thoughts just because it’s their “opinion.”

I may not be the most informed or intelligent person in

Of course, I understand that this may not be the most popular stance to take on this issue but after listening to many different viewpoints it just

seemed, to me at least, that disallowing free speech is the most logical conclusion.

Everyone on the pro-free speech side of the argument always just says “that’s the way it is,” or that it’s an “inalienable right,” and refuse to allow people like me to have a chance to have their voices heard. All I’m trying to do is open up a dialogue about removing our free speech laws. Truthfully, I just want there to be a conversation about this topic so that those of us against free speech finally have a chance to safely express our opinions.

People like me, who don’t believe in free expression, have been overlooked in our country for far too long. You’d never see

>> The classic spinning red “W” was finally completed last weekend when crews finished installing the last eight letters of the iconic landmark.

Occasionally dodging falling pieces of metals, The Peak spoke with foreman Paul Borphesloff regarding the lateness and questionable construction of the sign.

“It was always our intention to complete the WOODWARD’S sign before the opening of the building in 2009. But we kind of dropped the ball.

I mean we only built an entire architectural masterpiece from the ground up, I’m sorry a sign got neglected.

“Sure, there are some unaccountable drawbacks from installing the sign. For instance, the original sign was 1.75 by 0.75 m and weighed 200 lbs. The completed sign is 10.5 meters long and weighs two metric tonnes, which causes it to screech and throw off sparks as it turns. We may also have miscalculated the arc of the sign, and so as it rotates it clips the adjacent buildings.” He insisted that once the foundation settles, everything should be fine.

As of press time, the Woodward’s tower is currently leaning at a 75-degree angle.

this kind of mistreatment in societies with limited freedoms. In North Korea the voice of every single person is accounted for, and they are all saying “don’t let me speak,” which I think is the way things should be.

Honestly, why should I be ignored just because I’m against free speaking rights? So, just because I think that only the most powerful members of society should have a right to express

their thoughts, somehow I’m not worthy to speak out for my cause?

Quite simply, free speech has never done anything good for anyone, at any time, throughout the entire course of human history. But hey, that’s just my two cents! By all means I invite anyone who disagrees to definitely let me know what they think. I don’t want to force my views on anyone; I just don’t believe that people should have the right to give their opinion.

Tell me, is that really so hard to understand?

So, please let your voices be heard, because the only way that we will ever eliminate free speech is if we are all given a chance to express our thoughts.

Surrey celebrates >> SFU less crime Last Sunday, a gala was held in SFU Surrey Mezzanine in recognition of the marked advancements made in student safety at satellite campus over the past three years, notably a marked 40 per cent drop in violent crime at the Surrey campus, down to only 80 per cent, one-third of the rate when the campus first opened a decade ago.

The steady drop in crime can be attributed to a myriad of social improvement programs over the years including the removal of all metal objects from the campus and ending the daily guns-for-lunch trade-in, which most students and surviving faculty credit to director of administrative services Maria Sanchez Sanchez, who was the keynote speaker for the night, received a standing ovation from the audience members with the capability to stand. From inside of a box constructed out of two-inch thick bulletproof glass, she concluded the ceremonies by thanking the crowds for coming before the first barrage of tear gas canister rained down from the guard towers.

Note: The Peak expresses its deepest condolences to the family of Peak correspondent Matthew Winters. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to the Victims of Multiple Gunshot Wounds Foundation.

24 HUMOUR

April 2, 2013

HUMOUR

April 2, 2013

25

This week, SFU administration announced the architecture firm that will be building the new SUB building slated for 2017. In recognition of this crucial step to SUB completion, Peak Humour takes a look at the architectural achievements that made SFU the school we know and tolerate.

Poor measuring causes plans for Academic Square to be cancelled. Makes way for Academic Quandrangle.

Original surveying team for SFU decide mountain best spot for university. Because they could use a challenge.

1

Burnaby campus rebuilt in concrete following “huffing and puffing”problem.

W.A.C. Bennett Library built after students want a place to keep all the books.

BIG BUTTON ON HOMEPAGE Click it.

2

SFU Rockthrowers team banned from SFU Surrey forever.

Blueprint confusion causes revolving restaurant ontop of Harbour center to spin at 35,000 r.p.m.

Search engine THAT WORKS.

3

Gondola built.

Renovations to Highland Pub make it nice to look at as it hemorrhages money.

Add to cart, Repeat.

No vodka needed.

Remember to register for classes!

CLASS

At any point during course registration, hitting the BACK button in your browser:

1 Find + click the tiny “Add Class” button

2 Select Term...why is last term even an option?

3 Search, or add class index number?

4 After clicking Search, pick your department

6 Finally get to your damn class list

7 Click on class, then “Select Class”

8 Think it’s added? Nope!

Click “Next”, good luck!

9 Finally added! Now hit “Change Term” or else...

Cuss at your screen and go to Step 1 5 WARNING: We found 50+ classes, oh noez OH NOEZ

26 HUMOUR

Learn to surf in Tofino!

10% off surf lessons with a valid student ID. Call ahead for bookings.

250-726-5481 www.bruhwilersurf.com

April 2, 2013

HUMOUR

I’m usually not the kind of guy who gets very worked up about things. If anyone’s ever seen my show, they know that I’m just a normal, laid-back guy who wants to put on a nice, clean show for the audience.

But lately, I’m becoming absolutely fed up with my shows going off the rails because of impolite and crude dummies.

It doesn’t even seem to matter which dummy I get to sit on my lap, all they want to do is disrupt the show with curse words or racist and sexist jokes, which I take offense to, since I never work blue.

But try telling that to the dummy.

It’s just swears and derogatory slurs to no end! I hate it! Where are these little wooden people’s ethics? Don’t they know that this type of humour isn’t acceptable at the open-mic nights and talents shows?

April 2, 2013

I’m trying to just have a nice conversation with them about what they did last night and then they bring up their woody or some other disgusting innuendo. Now, I appreciate a good joke as much as the next guy, but come on! I get so tired of every night of having to constantly apologize to the audience every two seconds!

For once, can all you dummies just please keep your yappy little mouths shut and show some respect? Then maybe I’ll finally be able to have a chance to do some of that nice clean comedy that I suspect audiences are craving without being interrupted by some rude, lame retort!

Hey “Dork”in, who you calling a dummy, huh? Because you’re the real dummy! Hyuk, hyuk, You think we’re rude . . . well if we’re so “obscene,” then why is it that you’re the one with your hand up our ass? HA! That’s ruder than any of the jokes we’ve ever told.

We ought to have you arrested for sexual assault, you perverted bastard!

With all the times you’ve had your hand up our backside, I don’t know how you can act like you’re still the straight man.

As for the blue jokes, we’re just trying to entertain the crowd before they fall asleep listening to you!

You ventriloquists are all the same:

27

spending the whole show acting like you’re so shocked and offended, even though we tell the same jokes every night! Don’t you get by now that it’s kind of our thing?

You oughta know it’s not that easy for us either, spending all day cooped up in a box just to come out for an hour a night, and then we have to hang out with some dick who couldn’t take a joke if his life depended on it.

It’s our jokes that people come to see not yours. We’re the act. As if anyone’s ever going to pay to see a man by himself on stage telling jokes! HA! I’d like to see that! So in conclusion, ummm . . . you’re the dummy!

28 HUMOUR

April 2, 2013

WEST PHILADELPHIA — The who’s who of the Philadelphia upper class were out in droves last week at a star-studded gala for the grand opening of the newest exhibit at the state’s highly prestigious Will Smithsonian Institute.

The exhibit, now open after two years of preparation, exhaustively details Will Smith’s lifetime of work on television and the silver screen and features the original vinyl pressings of his first album Rock the House featuring DJ Jazzy Jeff as well as boasts an interactive replica of the living room set from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air complete with animatronic Uncle Phil.

Doug Higgins, chief curator of the exhibit, proudly cut the ribbon last night officially opening it to the public. After a night of guiding crowds through halls lined with movie paraphernalia, Higgins sat down with The Peak to discuss the Institute’s crowning achievement “An award-winning rap artist, actor, and philanthropist, Mr. Smith is the modern Renaissance man. At the Will Smithsonian, we seek only to preserve his legacy so that future generations might enjoy it. In his many roles Mr. Smith shows us the limitless potential within each of us, showing us that we can accomplish anything, whether it’s defeating a robot uprising, defeating an alien invasion,

or finding a woman who is sexually attracted to Kevin James.”

“As the saying goes, ‘where’s there’s a Will, there’s a way.’ ” These words are also inscribed upon base plate in the museum’s centre atrium. On top of the plate stands a 25-foot tall limestone statue of Smith to greet museum patrons.

Recently, the exhibit has drawn comparisons to the Guggenheim’s now year-old installation “Williard,” which also documents the career of the 44-year-old actor and

Man, you guys were inseparable. You did everything together. School, bath time, and remember, mom and dad even let him come to the therapist! You didn’t really keep in touch after you turned 11 and stopped believing in him. You thought once you stopped believing in him, he’d disappear, but he’s still around, watching.

Nowadays he spends most of his time watching you through your through mirrors. Sometimes you can spot him in the moment when you wake up, before your eyes readjust, as a dark figure in the corner.

rap artist.

“I suppose our exhibit is comparable to theirs, in the same way a flea-market VHS rip of Bad Boys II is comparable to the original unedited negatives. Which, incidentally, are on display in gallery 2B.” Pausing to clean his glasses, Higgins continued. “My point is that in their hubris to beat us to launch, the Guggenheim let some truly egregious errors slip past what they call a historical accuracy society. For example, and

this one always makes me laugh, smack dab in the middle of their hall of wax crew members, they have a wax Michael C. Casper, who was the additional sound rerecording mixer hired on for Independence Day. But he’s credited as Michael Chandler, the movie’s sound editor.

“The Will Smithsonian exhibit is free of such inaccuracies, which I have personally ensured. It has been my life’s work ever since I was an archivist working in the

You know how you used to occasionally see grown-up Macaulay Culkin on entertainment news stories about Michael Jackson, or every once in a while in paparazzi photos with Mila Kunis? Well, Culkin has recently retreated even further from the edges of the limelight, only growing more reclusive with age. Nowadays he spends most of his time being a part of “Where are they now” segments in magazines and other obscuritybased publications.

basement, carefully cataloguing the 270 suits worn by Smith in Men in Black by order of chronological appearance in film. ” When The Peak approached Will Smith for a statement regarding the exhibition, his agent told the institute that Mr. Smith found exhibition to be “a’ight.”

Higgins remains unresponsive in the ICU Mercy Fitzgerald Hospital, the first medically recorded case of a person rendered comatose from “happyness.”

Although thought to be legend, as it turns out Shakespeare actually did write well over a dozen plays that never saw the light of day.

Long believed to be lost, all the plays were apparently secretly recovered more than a decade ago by Adam Sandler’s production company, Happy Madison, from a 17th century Victorian storage locker. The plays have since been steadily released by the company as movies. Scholars now believe that I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry is the closest representation of Shakespeare’s original words ever produced.

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WIN CANUCKS TICKETS!

Rarely do I call a movie unwatchable, but for Foodfight I will make an exception. I’ve racked my brains, but can’t find a way to explain Foodfight.

I mean I can give you a synopsis: it’s an animated film of such staggering ineptitude that it shows neither its decade-long development nor its $65 million budget. But I am honestly at a loss to explain to you how fucking terrible the thing is with any kind of clarity or concision.

Of course, there are some godawful animated films of equal or greater technical incompetence, at least in terms of the animation itself. Foodfight manages to surpass all those films by failing on every other level of craftsmanship — editing, direction, scripting, whatever. To use Hollywood jargon, it is a triple-threat of sucking. When Threshold Entertainment first announced the project in the early 2000s, founder and director Larry Kasanoff touted his studio as “the next Pixar” with apparent sincerity, but somehow I doubt we’ll be replacing Buzz Lightyear with an anthropomorphic private eye named “Dex Dogtective” any time soon (Dogtective because the main character is a dog, who is also a detective, who is also voiced by Charlie Sheen).

So determined was Threshold to stack up to Pixar that the premise of their movies proved to be a hastier rip-off than a discount circumcision.

Their plot: when the owner of a supermarket closes up for the night, it turns into a city, and the mascots for each brand, called “icons”, wake up and live their own lives. In theory, that doesn’t sound like too bad of an idea, but here comes the “but.”

Foodfight has one of the most incoherent worlds of any fantasy film I’ve ever seen, in seemingly every way possible. I mean, what the fuck?

The ubiquitous product placement — with Mr. Clean, the California Raisins and Mrs. Butterworth all being walking and talking characters — and endless cringe worthy food puns make it clear that we’re in a fantasy version of a supermarket. The two rules of that world said at the beginning of the movie are that they can’t be seen by humans or leave the supermarket. Needless to say characters leave the supermarket whenever it’s convenient and there is one huge plot point where one character interacts with the humans via a giant Parkinsonian Christopher Lloyd robot (I wish I was fucking kidding).

If you can look at the thing and

suppress your gag reflex, it is funny; a true paragon of so-bad-it’s-good moviemaking, one whose jerky animations, bungled detail work, and utter lack of logic make for a hilariously protracted trainwreck of moviemaking. The film’s literally hundreds of food puns and references to Casablanca are so persistently unfunny that they become a spectacle all on their own. The editing and spastic camera movements stagger the film forward like a horrible Frankenstein’s creation, and give the constant mayhem an absurdist punch.

It is utterly useless to describe any characters or their relationships. It’s barely better to talk about the way the noirish plot turns inexplicably into a half-assed war movie pitting the product icons (termed “Ikes”) against the Nazis.

Yep, you read that right, the antagonists are the actual Nazis, who are seeking to exterminate the Ikes and replace their products with the mysterious Brand X. Couple that with a romantic subplot, involving Dex Dogtective and then 16-year-old cat-girl Hilary Duff, and you have something truly abysmal.

The film’s plot is so loaded with contradictions, loose ends, and non sequiturs, it may be impossible to comment upon them in any detail without suffering a brain aneurysm.

And on a visual level, there is zero consistency of style (perhaps because the bulk of Threshold animators were outsourced and worked from home).

Obviously, Threshold failed to live up to the prestige of Pixar: the film was eventually auctioned off for $2.5 million and is plainly one of the most atrocious pieces of work I’ve ever seen, from all involved and at all times. But it is, nonetheless, a one-of-a-kind achievement, easily the most staggeringly bad 10th-rate animation I’ve ever seen. Its sheer ignorance of its own shortcomings clash so resoundingly with its ambition (and we are talking about the storytelling ambition of a 12-year-old) that Foodfight is a one-ofa-kind surreal comedy experience. You really need to see it to believe it; there is absolutely nothing good to be found, be it in concept or execution.

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In an increasingly common display of the unholy nature of science and logic, blasphemous scientists at the Vancouver Genomics center successfully created the first transspecies artificial zygotes last month, using a combination of DNA from an American blue hare and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

The rabbit embryos were obtained from biological supply company SigmaAldrich, and the messianic DNA from swabs taken from the Shroud of Turin for “authenticity tests.”

Growing rapidly, each engineered rabbit this way displays a variety of messianic phenotypes, including growing a fantastic beard and develops the abilities to hop on water and cure the myxomatosis from just a touch of the paw.

April 2, 2013

The project’s chief researcher Johan Flemming debuted one of the newly created Messia-hares at the TED Northwest. “It’s actually quite the logical conundrum, the creatures themselves are definite proof a Christian theological entity. But from all available literature, we should have been turned into pillars of salt or struck down long before we got to this point.”

When asked by a member of the audience what commercial applications there were for magical rabbits, Flemming responded, “We are currently working on non-pulling-out-of-a-hat based uses, but preliminary research has indicated that they are delicious in stew. ” —Gary Lim

New to SFU? Missed clubs day? Finding it hard to make friends? Tired of sitting alone on Friday and Saturday night writing Link/Ganon slash-fiction?

Well I’ll bet there’s a club that can take your mind off those dirty, nerdy thoughts! JOIN THE CLUB is a feature that showcases some of SFU’s lesser known clubs!

A

lthough a relatively new addition to the SFSS clubs roster, the creepy uncle mentorship club (CUM . . . well, that’s unfortunate) has quickly become the premier campus organization in after-school mentorship and childcare on Burnaby Mountain.

Moses Lester, club founder and president spoke to The Peak about the fledgling program. “I guess it first started when I noticed a startling lack of child supervision from when classes are let out to about supper from my windowless van,” said Lester.

“It honestly surprised me how much time these supple youngsters were spending alone. Especially considering how important the preteen formative years are to a healthy psychological development. I should know, I spent my adolescence taking apart cats.”

“I founded the Creepy Uncles to give Billys [a term for mentored youth in the program] a safe place to go after school.

Somewhere they can have fun, eat some candy, and just relax. Because although we might have forgotten, it’s stressful being a kid, which is why each uncle carries a variety of lotions on hand at all times to administer stress-relieving back

rubs.”

Despite the name, anyone can join the club. In fact, the Creepy Uncles owe a large proportion of their membership to non-uncles, boasting the largest number of clergy members outside of the SFU Catholicism club.

When asked what plans the program had for the future, Lester responded enthusiastically, “This summer we’ll be proud to offer athletics for our young Billys. We have a team of wrestling coaches ready eager to teach the Billys a variety of grapples on the mat. A fun fact: we only started the sports program after it coincidentally turned out that a lot of the creepy uncles are or used to be gym teachers.”

CUM (again, very unfortunate) meets in the Rotunda every Tuesday, and joining the club is as easy as “telling me if you’re a cop, because if you’re a cop and you don’t tell me this is entrapment.”

—Rachel Braeuer and Gary Lim

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April 2, 2013

Watch out Canada; primetime TV will never be the same again with the debut of Project Runaway, the newest addition to Slice TV’s programming roster.

Coming this May, Project Runaway Canada is just the latest in a series of increasingly similar reality TV competitions.

Project Runaway will feature some of the most upand-coming young designers in Canada as well as some of the most downtrodden and desperate people trying to escape their lives. The format of the show is nearly identical to Slice smash-hit Project Runway Canada, with the twist that each designer will be paired with a runaway throughout.

Critics are coming out of VIP pre-screenings of the new show in droves to sing its praises, calling the show “witty,” “provocative,” and a “treatise on the inherent evil that lurks within the hearts of man.” Critics will reveal little

more, but do tease that fan favorites appear as early as the first episode, which pairs Trey, owner of popular Yonge street boutique theFRAME, and Soon-Yuk, a once-colonel and now-defector of the North Korean army.

The show’s producers, Sheila Turner and Antony Mattia spoke to The Peak about the format of the new show.

“We are anticipating big things for Project Runaway,” said Turner. “It’s only a slightly different from Project Runway, but these small changes will lead to huge consequences.

How do you get some runaway ready when they won’t stop crying, and what do you do when your runaway has chewed through their ankle tether and disappeared into the night?

Find out in season one!”

Mattia expanded on the diversity of contestants on the show. “We have designers ranging Vancouver to St. Johns, each with their own unique styles and quirks, and a variety of runaways: two people suffering mid-life crises, an entire family in witness protection, and an honest-to-goodness teenage runaway. So you can expect to see some drama.”

Turner and Mattia also described the higher stakes of the spin-off. “Not only will our designers be playing for $150,000 and a 2014 Mazda6, but a chance to design their own clothing line to be sold at HBC stores across the country. Similarly the runaways will be playing for new identity in a little Mexican coastal town, and each week losers will be turned over the appropriate authorities/crime families. So you know they’re in it to win it (laughs).”

On the coattails of this news, FOX Broadcasting announced plans for Deaf Chefs, a new reality TV show which features Chef Gordon Ramsay yelling at chefs who previously lost their hearing after working on other Gordon Ramsay reality TV programs.

Over 20,000 images of horrific Julia Child sex acts discovered in raid

EDMONTON — Edmonton Mounties made a massive breakthrough yesterday after a yearlong sting operation culminated in the arrest of several distributors within a known Julia Child pornography ring.

Among the arrests, an Edmonton man, Jeffery Daniels, 46, was placed into police custody after an anonymous tip resulted in the confiscation of three 1TB hard drives, each containing thousands of images and video files depicting Julia Child sex acts.

The three seized drives — which stored films including “The Art of Fine French Fucking” and “Le Cordon Blow Me”, as well as hundreds of sexually explicit images depicting the women dressed up as 1970s television chef Julia Child — will serve as evidence when Daniels stands trial in front of the Crown to be held in May. Constable of the Edmonton RCMP Claire Atwal calls the bust a

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victory for the rights of Julia Child fans everywhere.

“People who find enjoyment in the viewing of Julia Child pornography are often involved in online groups where members exchange pornographic images of the Peabody Award-winning author with one another. Shutting down one of these distribution hubs goes a long way toward ending the suffering of women aged 18–94 whose lifestyle involves dressing up as the award winning cordon bleu chef everyday.”

This bust follows March 14’s gut-wrenching discovery of dozens of Julia Child impersonators and impressionists locked in a barn cellar in Ft. McMurray. The women had reportedly been locked down there for weeks and were forced by their captors to act out all 76 episodes of The French Chef; some were forced to prepare upwards of three duck confit daily.

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PYONGYANG — Several waves of Taepodong-3 missiles launched from silos at the Tonghae satellite launching site annihilated major South Korean military and civilian targets late last Sunday, as imagined by North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. Gripping a cardboard tube with the words Tapodog[sic]-3 scrawled along the side in blue ballpoint pen, the supreme leader repeatedly blew up the cities of Sejong and Munsan, utterly devastating the enormous metropolises as indicated by Jong-Un’s cries of “Kapow!” and “Kabloosh!”

The missile’s payloads of chemical and biowarfare agents, indicated in lime green marker, proved effective in limiting the southern nation’s response capability. In the meantime, North Korean forces rallied at the border ready for full blown invasion, as Jong mUn emptied out a plastic Ziploc baggie filled with toy soldiers onto his desk.

The two-and-a-half inch tall

ALEPPO — In a brief peace between mortar strikes on the nation’s largest city, Syrian president Bashir al-Assad made a televised statement last week expressed that he had hoped that the people of Syria would’ve grown out of this phase by this age.

He also expressed remorse for allowing the Syrian people

April 2, 2013

battalion of over four dozen of the same injection-molded plastic army men quickly overtook the entire nation, seizing key strategic points of the desk lamp, stapler and pencil sharpener.

The unrelenting march of North Korean forces only paused momentarily when, after running around the room three times, the out-of-breath supreme leader of North Korea paused to eat the peanut butter and jelly sandwich left out for him by minister of the People’s Armed Forces, Kim Kyok sik.

The South Korean army appeared to be turning the tide, recapturing the capital city of Seoul and erecting blockades made from lego blocks and Popsicle sticks, hoping to delay their defeat.

That hope was dashed when Jong Un himself made an impressive appearance on the battlefield, represented by an action figure of Optimus Prime from popular children’s television franchise Transformers. Jong Un heroically destroyed the barricades by firing his arm-mounted laser blaster and flying into the fortress head first several times.

Victory for the forces of the supreme leader were nearly assured when stealth jets of the treacherous West, which Jong Un had carefully folded out of

heavy paper stock, appeared off the horizon, hoping to catch the courageous North Korean forces off-guard.

But it was the Americans who were caught unaware, neglecting to take into account Jong Un’s invisible forcefield that stops all guns. Their underhanded sneak attack resulting in the crumpling of the entire fleet into a large ball.

In retribution for the attack,

the 700 ft tall robotic Kim JongUn took hold of both American and South Korean Presidents Barack Obama and Park GeunHye, who were suddenly on the battlefield. Both were made to swear fealty to North Korea, which they hastily agreed to.

The war was over, the mantle of victory squarely on the shoulders of Jong Un, when all of a sudden aliens appeared, intent on stealing North Korea’s

bountiful resourc— The intense scene came to an end when a knocking and voice from other side of his bedroom door informed him of his daily military strategy meeting.

A visibly annoyed Jong Un hastily brushed the action figures into a grocery bag and stuffed them under his bed. He then left to meet with top generals and discuss the logistics of the latest long-range missile tests.

to have fallen into a bad crowd of western European countries, calling it one of his great failures as a president for life. He also said that he knew the civilian population had been experimenting with democracy, and he had found the voting papers, but added that he was not mad at them for it, only disappointed.

Wistfully holding a well-worn photo of the crowds at his inauguration parade in 2000, al-Assad continued, “Look at how we used to be. Why, I remember I’d barely be one foot in and my network of informants and secret police would come rushing to door, to tell me all about what you’d done that day.You know, King

Abdullah had a similar problem with the Saudis, it was like they saw the Egyptian protests on TV and suddenly it was cool and hip to demand representation in the government. But eventually they got tired of the political reform act (as well as of the beatings) and things went back to normal.

I just want things to go back to normal.”

The Peak’s Syrian sister paper, The Phiek, was able to contract Moaz al-Khatib, president of the National Coalition for Opposition Forces, arranging a meeting at the local bazaar’s food court in front of the Hot Topic.

Clad in heavy eye makeup and talking over a cigarette

hanging out of his mouth, alKhativ spoke of the injustices perpetrated by the Syrian government. “Al-assad has no idea what it’s like to be a Syrian citi-

he doesn’t know that nothing even happens in this stupid city until 10:00. Ugh.” When asked if al-Assads remorseful broadcast had changed opinions within the rebellion. He said, “This is so like him, he’s freakin’ bipolar man. One minute he’s playing up the warm and caring dictator bit, and the next minute he’s flooding the ghettos with sarin gas. I swear, once we get our independence, we are so moving out into our own country. He just doesn’t get it. ” At press time, when he thought no one was looking, al-Khatib pulled out his wallet to look at the same heavily worn photograph, and smiled fondly.

zen. Like, did you know he imposed a curfew under martial law last week? A curfew? It’s like

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April 2, 2013

Was anyone else paying attention last week? Like, did any of you happen to open your eyes at least once a day? Well, if you didn’t you may not have realized that there were days where the sun was out.

The sun. Look, I realize the top of the page says “Humour,” but I’m being serious here. The sun was literally visible in the sky. It was amazing, it completely altered the way I perceive the world. Again, not a joke.

You see, a week and a half ago, it was literally snowing on campus in March, and that was how I viewed the world, as cold and desolate place. Now there’s a sun, and I’ve realized that there is a distinct possibility that it will be summer in a few short months despite any naysaying groundhogs.

Vancouver has a tendency to get all “outsidey” when summer rolls around, so it’s time to start exercising. Now there was a time when this would have frightened me to my core. But thanks to the proper regime of exercise and fitness, I now have the core strength to deal with this. Loyal readers of Staying Sharp know I’ve never been the type of person to leave a reader hanging, so here are some helpful tips for exercising.

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There we go. Problem solved. Everyone on the planet is in shape now. Or maybe just everyone at SFU. Well, all the SFU students that read this. Come to think of it, in the grand scheme of things, barely anybody read this. Hold on, does anybody ever read anything I write? Have years and years of my wisdom gone completely unregarded by the general populace of SFU? This is more humbling than I planned on it being.

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Now, you youngins might not remember it, but a long time ago (potentially in a galaxy far far away, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll have to check), the Internet wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t the globally available and free resource it is today.

It was before the age of the wi-fi signal, a dark and backward time period that historians call the 90s.

Whereas now you can now literally surf the Internet on the phone as you take your morning coffee deuce, back then getting and staying online was a sisyphusean struggle of screeching modems, twisting telephone cords and yelling across the house for no one to pick up the phone because you were in hour two of a song download.

But while the ordeals of getting yourself online were monumental so were the rewards. Browser flash games!

BBS boards! GIFs! It might seem quaint in a world where there exist Twittercompatible refridgerators, but where would we be today without:

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VANCOUVER — The world of hockey may never be the same again after last week, during Sunday’s home game against the Dallas Stars, when Henrik and Daniel Sedin made an unannounced return after a suspicious nine-game absence.

The twins, who according to the official statement have been seeking “treatment for chronic back pain resulting from an old hockey injury,” reappeared last Sunday with a clean bill of health to the surprise of fans everywhere. Surprise that soon turned into confusion and then outright terror, as Daniel and Henrik turned out to be anything but Daniel and Henrik, now stepping out onto the ice as Danrik, the league’s first conjoined player.

Following a dominant 5–2 victory against the Stars, team owner Francesco Aquilini and Danrik spoke to the reporters that hadn’t immediately fled Roger’s arena in shrieking abject terror.

“The Canucks have always been a great team, but it’s becoming steadily apparently that greatness isn’t enough. We need to be bold. Plus the fact that it gets us an extra man on the ice without breaking any formal NHL rules doesn’t hurt either,” said Aquilini.

Indeed the 2013 NHL rule book, though thorough enough include a subsection on

April 2, 2013

positions available to a teenwolf (Centre, Right Winger), lacks any by-laws or stipulations differentiating conjoined teammates as separate players. Sources indicate that Dallas team owner Tom Gaglardi is attempting to get the win stricken under section 133.1, regarding the maximum amount of ice time givable to any “abomination, horror, or crime against God” in a regulation game

When the floor was finally opened for questioning, Danrik’s two heads voiced his feelings on the career transition in perfect unison.

“Danrik believes this to be step forward in his career. Every year, the players get younger and younger and Danrik is just another year closer to his jersey hanging in rafters. Now Danrik has a competitive advantage, is stronger and faster than rookies.

Danrik is stronger and faster than everyone. The doctors told Danrik that the involuntary self-reference in third-person should go away with time.”

The numbers don’t lie; by surgically grafting of one Sedin twin to another, The Canucks have created the league’s highest scoring current player, with 1,051 career assists and 466 career points.

Retaking the floor, Aquilini

Manitoba is Canada’s worst province. There I said it. If Canada was a family, Manitoba would be the brother they sent away after they found it taking apart cats behind the tool shed.

Honestly, it’s Iike a shittier version of Saskatchewan, without Corner Gas or wheat. I mean, Prince Edward Island barely counts as a province (you can drive across it in 42 minutes) and manages to knock the socks off of

closed by saying, “This is the future of hockey. Although complications were expected, namely because Henrik is center and Daniel plays left wing, we were able to make it work, once and for all proving that the whole is greater than the

sum of its parts,” referring to Danrik’s three assisted goals and two blocked shots on net.

As of press time, there are reports from the Atlantic Division that the New Jersey Devils’ entire defensive line, consisting of

Manitoba. They don’t even speak a proper language in Quebec and they keep trying to secede every other Tuesday. Still better than Manitoba.

While other respectable provinces are exporting soft wood lumber, maple syrup or lobsters, what’s Manitoba’s chief export?

Regret?

I hate you so much Manitoba.

The door comes in two modes: open and closed. So you’d think that motorizing half of it would only make it more user-friendly?

Well like the Stephen Hawking that’s a big fat fucking “wrong”.

They open out of nowhere and scare the shit out of you, causing you scream out in a crowded coffee shop. Okay, fine, causing me scream out.

You know when you’re in a hurry and would actually

— Gary Lim

Matt Corrente, Mark Fayne, Andy Greene, Mark Harrold, Adam Larsson, Bryce Salvador, Henrik Tallinder, Anton Volchenkov and Dainius Zubrus, has been surgically fused into a large chimera creature.

benefit from some magical approach sensing doors? That’s when the door decides to open just slowly enough that you have to come to a stop or slam face first mosquito-into-windshield style.

I guess you can always take the initiative to manually open that door, but seriously? It’s an automatic door. It has one job.

— Ljudmila Petrovic

HUMOUR

April 2, 2013

kids left with his bitch of an

O h you thin k you’re sOo dam n clever don’t you , YOu tho guh acta lly I wou ldn’t che ck beh inf the frig de for the whs ky. wel l surp illse mo the r fuck er I fou nd it. hahahehheh.

By the way I bro ke the fridge, but that only 39 percent my fault, tops.

Hey do you wan’t som e of this? Well sucks then, because it’s mine mother fucker I found it. hahahehheh. IM goin g to drink it all. All twe whiskt inmy stomachs.Yum. YUm, it’s so tasty. So war m in my belly.

YOu were like Im goin have a study , I have to pass tthis final, I hjave topass tjhis clas s to grad uca te, but I guess you fotgot that grd-

uat ion is stupid.Oh man that;s funny, I should be like a one of those comedy guy or someythiong.

But tha t was jut the firs t thin g, there wer res som ethong else I had to tell you.

Oh yea h I thre w up on your bed. Now i know you’re goong to be like why did you dribk so much. but slow your

r o l l s Pau la Dea n. It was the whsieky’s faiult, ithat twas sdeliciosu s. Nop. I got hungrhy so I went to falalaalafel place dow n Eve rton stre et, tha t one we pas s ebe ry dat but you’re too mcuh of a pussssss to gop insi de bec aus e you think its a front fofr a meth lab. Wel l, I wen t there because I’m nopt your you, well I’m you. btu I’m better.

Wel l; it tjur ns otu you r not as stiup[id as your stupid face looks, it was a meth lab/ But it turn s ouit they mak e Swarma too and it was sop good, I ate like ten of them./ So tjhe n I too k the 135 hom e and I met the coo lest giy on it, he wouldn’t tell me his nam e but he call ed him sef the gen eral , e was telli ng us abo ut how he his

39

phone is somewhere on the

exw ifea nd and bhow he had kidn ehy cancer. I then i said hold the pho ne and i thre w y o u r cell pho ne out the wnd ow. Eve ryo ne on the bus fucking laughed LLOLD. I Anyways, top ut was n’t abo let my chll ass bro go hrough that. so I gav e nhi m one of you r kidn eys , I mea m you hav e like a mil lion of tho se ting s, so what’s like one? . Hah! I bet you checked, I bet you actj uall y che cled .

Man , you’r suc h a fuck ing goo ber, I didn’tm give awa y a kidnye, I know thost things are expensive. but legit your

135 bus rout. whE re was I goin g with this aga in? Ohn yea h, so then I came home and puked like 9 shwarmaas all over yur bedroo m, it was like the Exorcist.

Hahah a h a .

But for r e a l s I bro , wou ldn’ ;t in go the re, it smells like a camels butthole.

OH yeah, I also called Shr iely, jsut to tell her how giood I’m doing. I got that por motion to assisntanrt manager at the Kinkos, andlonely it is

atni ght GO D, H OO in my futo n, S H I R LY, I mis s you so mu ch plea se com e bac k , I prk mis e I’ll nebver forgot your birthday/ our ann iver asa ty/v alen tine s day ebe r aga in. I can trea t you way bett e rtha n who ebver that new guy you’e dating can.

Phi llip is a dick , I mea n his car can barely even take three swings with a baseball bat before it alamrs goes off like a little bitch.

ANy wau ys Shr illy, yu got ta give me a sec ond cha nce, I’ll be bett er tha n this ti — Oh god I can feer l the 10th swa rma com ing UURRFGGGHGFF-

40 LAST WORD

features editor email / phone

“Wow, I could never do that,” the cashier at Value Village tells me as I explain that the second hand backpack was going to help me get across the country.

Her incredulity reminded me of other warnings and declarations of disbelief from acquaintances.

It was like that awkward party in my hometown where a girl I had played soccer with explained that she had never been out of the province, or the time my co-worker warned me that my friend and I would be assaulted if we tried to hitchhike from Montreal to Kingston for St Patrick’s Day. I wasn’t always the type to take off across countries by myself; when I was 18, I couldn’t even go to a concert alone. But after one too many nights home alone regretting my cowardice, and a few years of independence and experience, I’ve grown into a woman who has travelled across Canada twice, hitchhiked, and gone through the States on my own.

While my journeys earn me worried phone calls from family

Ljudmila Petrovic features@the-peak.ca / 778.782.4560

members and looks of disbelief from acquaintances, through happenstance I still manage to know people who have gone out of their comfort zones more than me — and have gone it alone.

Human beings are considered social creatures that see doing anything alone as scary and risky. A friend of mine from Newfoundland recently visited me during a political science conference and frankly, her experience of staying in close quarters with a gaggle of underslept, travel-weary girls seems scarier than any solo travel experience I’ve ever had.

Over the holidays, I stayed in Seattle by myself for a few days before flying back to Ontario. I was alone, yes, but I managed to befriend a very cool Aussie girl during a pub crawl — a pub crawl that wound up being just the two of us.

We ventured up to Capitol Hill, where we met a bar owner, played Connect Four at a pub, and wound up making friends with more travellers after a booze run at Target landed us

back at the hostel.

I often get frustrated at my friends’ unwillingness to come travel with me, but there are tons of other people out there experiencing the exact same frustration and wanderlust.

Coordinating group travel is hard. You have to compromise, make conversation, and plan pit stops. As I get older, I’ve realized I’m not the type to be social all the time; I would rather fold laundry if my roommate’s boring friend is over, and I feel uncomfortable holding hands on first, second, and tenth dates.

My best travel experiences have happened when I’ve gone it alone; more often than not, I manage to meet other young people and we have a great time. Unlike friends from home, they don’t get upset if I want to stay in bed and nurse a hangover instead of going shopping.

Travelling alone means not worrying about splitting costs, losing track of someone, or being friendly all the time.

It means exploring what you want, when you want, and not

April 2, 2013

having to answer to anybody.

As for this idea that travelling alone is physically dangerous? Just don’t be an idiot.

Maybe travelling alone during blizzards or in regions of conflict is a bad idea. Things like maps, phones, and backup plans become your best friend.

Frankly, the only times I have ever actually been at risk of being assaulted in any way was amongst friends, at a bar I go to frequently right here in Vancouver. You are more likely to be assaulted by someone you know someplace that you’re familiar with than abroad.

By avoiding travel, young people (especially women) miss out on amazing experiences that are at the very least fun and at best monumental. It is a shame that individuals are scared or shamed into missing out on what they want to do when the journey can be so fulfilling.

Yes, sometimes due to logistics or personality clashes, travel happens solo. Sometimes that’s the way to go.