Dear Peakie

DearPeakie,

II’vebeenfillingoutallthesurveysinmySFUinboxsince haveenrolledattheuniversityfouryearsago.However,I yettowinasinglegiftcard!Isthereanyrecord ofanyonewinningasurveydraw?IWILLbehavinga conversationwithJoyJohnsonaboutthis.HowdoI mobilizetheentirestudentbodyforthiscause?

IfSincerely, I Can’tWin No One Can

Dear Peakie,

I think my roommate is evil, not in the serial killer sense, but in the Disney villain sense. I can’t help but hear a bit of Yzma whenever she laughs . . . And she has a cat! It’s a well-known fact that villains have cats. And she’s dating a doctor . . . That’s totally an evil scientist, right? I didn’t catch his name, but he’s giving me Dr. Doofenshmirtz vibes. What are they planning? How do I stop it?

Sincerely,

I Need A Platypus

Dear Peakie,

Help! Many new shows have come out recently, and my friends keep telling me to watch them. I don’t want to be rude, but what can I possibly gain from “messy dating show #18262?” Do I lie about watching them and read the recaps instead? Or do I choose violence and tell them that if I wanted to observe dysfunctional relationships, I’d third-wheel with them instead?

Sincerely, TV Snob

To all of y’all Aries who get onto buses from the Transportation Centre near the stairs and piano, y’all really need to start taking advantage of the Transit Exchange near Blusson Hall so you can get first dibs on seats! What’s worse than cramming yourself into a bus that’s already full? Not even being able to get on and having to wait for the next one, hoping that one won’t be full either. Seriously, always go from the Transit Exchange!

TAURUS — Apr 20–May 20

Ever thought about learning to play an instrument? If you already do, that’s great! But if not, you should consider getting into guitar, then you can become a guiTAURUSt! The piano also has a beautiful sound. It’s just that it’s not an easy instrument to pick up. But if you try to and you drop it, don’t fret! Getting in treble sometimes is okay because that’s how you learn. Go up an octave and get some more playtime in.

Hey, I see you’ve been trying to find that missing piece of your puzzle, But I don’t think it’s a man or woman you need . . . What you really need is a walkman (or walkwoman). You can take them wherever you go, and they’ll always have entertaining things to say or sing to you. You’ll never be lonely again, and they’ll never leave you as long as you buy them a new battery once in a while!

Oh, Cancer, you’re so busy with school and all that. You barely have enough time to read The Peak newspapers! Well, I know exactly why. It’s because I heard you always match the socks you’re wearing . . . is that true? Same brand, same colour, same length — no, no. No more of that, please. It takes so much time and effort! Just put all your single socks in the drawer and pick out 2 random ones. Don’t even think; wearing unmatched socks is the new trend here.

LEO — Jul 23–Aug 22

Leo, I choose you to slingshot us back to the past. Remember those days when silly bands were in style? Well, where are they now? It’s silly how no one wears those dual-purpose, fashionable, one size fits all elastic bracelets anymore. You can use them to keep containers closed, build a collection, relieve stress, trade, flex, slingshot at targets, tie up hair . . . the list goes on. So, let’s start using silly bands again, encourage others to do the same, and change the world.

It’s nice you’ve been getting out there this summer and enjoying the natural weather. But, summertime shouldn’t just be all about beaches, picnics, and hikes. We should bring back winter activities during this time of year so we’ll never miss the cool season! Go indoor skiing, ice skating, and snowman building behind the ice rink, where the Zamboni makes free piles of snow for us. And it’s always a great day to book a flight to Antarctica to relive your childhood after Club Penguin got shut down. :’)

Hey Libra, since you’re a real one, I want to ensure everything you do is always relevant and true to yourself. I feel like all I see these days are people wearing Harvard merch without being a Harvard student, wearing Air Jordans without being a basketball player, or wearing Nirvana shirts without being able to name three of their songs. Popular fashion doesn’t make sense sometimes, but we’re good as long as there are at least a few non-liars in this society!

SCORPIO — Oct 23–Nov 21

Y’all really need to stop using the default ringtone sound and change it to something less annoying such as “I’m On A Boat” by The Lonely Island ft. T-Pain. What’s worse than repeatedly hearing the same song on the radio is hearing the same ringtone from people’s phones at work, school, and in public. What I want you to do, Scorpio, is spread the word and make sure everyone you know has their ringtone set to anything but the ringtones their phones come with. One suggestion I have is any song from Drake’s album, Scorpion. Thank you. Have a nice day.

Hey Sagittarius, I don’t know where you’re at with your vehicle status. However, when you buy one, you NEED to break the traditional cycle of buying the same coloured cars. 90% of cars I see are just similar shades of gray! I’m sure many of us are tired of losing our cars in big underground parking lots because they ALL look the SAME. What made humans avoid awesome colours like pink, yellow, green, and orange on their cars? That question does not matter because we will get the most brilliant coloured cars and show people how much better the world would be with all colours of cars.

CAPRICORN — Dec 22–Jan

Listening to music is a great way to escape reality and go to dreamland. But if you’re ever going through your dad’s old CD shelf, stop using the CD player for them! Use your PlayStation console; it’s so much better, trust me. The audio quality, the satisfying clicks of the controller when changing music, and just being in that PlayStation atmosphere is way more exciting than spinnin’ your CDs on boring out-of-style CD players.

AQUARIUS

You work so hard, and you’re always on your heels. Why not buy yourself a pair of Heelys? You can rock n roll to every place you need to go! Save your energy and time, improve balancing skills, and be cooler than everyone who doesn’t wear Heelys (sad to say that I am one of them. Not proud of it! Don’t be me).

You know how some people attempt to memorize the periodic table or a hundred digits of pi? It’s quite boring, and Pisces, I don’t want you to do the same. Instead, a much more unique and interesting talent would be to have all the names in SFU’s raccoon community memorized. You’ll probably break the Guinness World Record for the largest number of raccoons’ names memorized! If you appear in their next book, I’m buying it.