SPORTS

FOOTBALL FOES

We all wear our SFU red with pride.

JAIME CLAYTON

FORMER SFU LINEBACKER

REGINALD THE III

First of all, I’m honoured to have a space on your human periodical, fellow SFU dwellers. But I have to say, I think this is a rather droll question to direct to me and my fellow raccoon. There is obviously one correct answer, right, Stinks?

STINKS THE RACCOON

Certainly, but your grace, don’t forget our work is much more enticing compared to SFU students’ work. They might find our dialogue redundant, but they’ll tune in. Regardless, the garbage cans as a topic is subjective, Reginald the III would know. Sounds like someone needs to do some research.

REGINALD THE III

That’s right, a better question more well suited for serious news in the raccoon community is how we feel about garbage infighting! Now, that’s a hotly debated topic. Just imagine our youngest raccoons, munching on old Tim Horton’s wrappers instead of the juiciest pears rolling behind the Nester’s Market! I just can’t imagine it, Stinks. It is so important to have sustainable scavenging practices for our young’ins. You know my humble opinion of the Burnaby campus’ greatest, obviously, I have a soft spot for the Surrey campus. What do you think of the garbage options at SFU, if I could have a penny (or a half-eaten orange) for your thoughts?

STINKS THE RACCOON

Now that’s a question! Well, let me tell you something. Garbage riots make for good content. Do I condemn it? Certainly, but whenever it happens, you know where I will be with my camera. And of course as the younger generation, we have a level of entitlement especially with the dining expansion! Some raccoons will be losing their paws I tell you. So far, I think I am still learning which garbage bins benefit me best. I am not a picky eater but if we need to be honest, the Burnaby Residence garbage sucks! There are just low quality items there. So I have to agree with you on this one Reginald. I guess my question would have to be what is the weirdest human encounter you’ve had when dumpster diving?

REGINALD THE III

What a wonderful question! I must agree with you, Stinks, even for a budget or comfortable option for your regular raccoon, the Burnaby Residence garbage is simply sub-par. There is so much soggy spinach from the humans’ intent to eat healthy produce, and it is boring! I wish they would try . . . some apples, or some dragonfruit. Some diversity would really brighten up that dump. As you know, yours truly prefers to dine alone. So I would say the most interesting encounter was when I made eye contact with what the humans call Mc . . . Dog? Anyways, there I was, and this furry imposter was staring straight at me as I tried to settle for my dinner! It was so upsetting. Have you encountered anything like that, Stinks?

STINKS THE RACCOON

McDog, what a name . . . I’m sorry for your encounter and I do hear you on the lone dining. As for me, what I am about to tell you dies here in this article. As usual, I brought my camera with me for a small vlogging trip down at the Burnaby residence, behind the graduate resident building. I approached the bins, mind you, this was just after sunset. I heard some grunting and rustles inside the bins. So I thought maybe it was just some raccoons playing around. No! There was a human inside. Rummaging through the trash. What a sight! I was recording the whole thing live. I must say, that was my highest rated video.

REGINALD THE III

Well! I surmise we have inspired the humans, and that is cause for celebration. I remember watching that video myself, and it gave me a good old chortle. Now, I think we’re overdue for a meal together, old friend. What do you say we ditch this intrepid underground office together?

STINKS THE RACCOON

Well, of course! A dinner with you is the highlight of my day. I know your followers will surely be jealous of me.

REGINALD THE III

And mine yours, dear friend! Let’s ditch this interview.