Football Fights Back

Human exceptionalism got us into this mess, and it cannot, formulated in the same way at least, get us out of it.

DR. STEPHEN COLLIS // SFU PROFESSOR

SUPERBUG SOLUTION

The purpose of the study is “to understand how bacteria develop resistance because that makes the drug ineffective.”

It is really disappointing how SFU is dealing with the strike.

When I’m looking at a slide from 40-million year old rocks at Burnaby Mountain, I’m looking into the past.

ROLF MATHEWES // SFU PROFESSOR

DR.

UNJUST FOR THE UNHOUSED

AVOIDING AEROSOLS

No matter how much you’re committed to a certain style, be sure to listen to the advice your artist recommends.

Grief wouldn’t sting the way it does without love and joy.

The Commencement

■ It may not be April Fools’ Day, but that doesn’t mean you can’t put on a show! Sneak into your classrooms when there’s no one there, drop a banana peel for people to slip on, put whoopie cushions on some chairs, adjust the analog clock to an incorrect time, and draw your favourite Sonic X characters on the whiteboard along with whatever message you want to tell your class. That’s how to properly start the first day of the semester. ;)

■ Always put your homies first. Don’t bother connecting with people in your class if they’re just gonna do their homework all the time. Instead, invite your buddies to lectures and play Fortnite on your laptops.

■ Choose your unique style for the semester’s assignments — your go-to font type, colour schemes, emojis, etc. Do you really think TAs enjoy reading the same boring 11-point Times New Roman typed papers over and over again? Personally, I like to use Comic Sans in red, highlight important sentences in green, and use my favourite colour, pink, for my name and title. Be sure to insert plenty of emojis and gifs to help your TA better visualize your writing.

The Midterm Crisis

■ Play Pokémon Go wherever you go. All three of SFU’s campuses are gigantic. There are many hidden Pokémon to capture, which will make you feel accomplished and give you self-confidence you can transfer into your studies.

■ Deadlines don’t really mean anything if you take advantage of every realistic excuse. Have you tried saying, “I slipped down the wet campus stairs and got a concussion,” or “I haven’t been able to log into SFU canvas because my phone was stolen, and I can’t get through the multi-factor authentication?” Besides, it ain’t like TAs will mark everybody’s assignment right at 12 a.m. on SFU Canvas.

■ In addition, word minimums don’t mean anything, either. The world would go nowhere if humans only ever put quantity before quality. For instance, would you rather buy 30 rotten apples or 1 ripe apple? Only one of these answers will allow you to feed yourself to survive. It’s the same with writing papers. Handing in two thousand words of uselessness is worse than two hundred words of making a point.

■ Don’t waste your precious time during lectures; find side tasks to get things done quicker. In one class, I could watch an anime episode, complete a few Duolingo lessons, do some online shopping, listen to new songs on Spotify, and text my friends to make lunch plans. What’s the point of trying to pay attention to the professor when you know you’ll be daydreaming the entire time?

■ As university students, we’re always low on time. We need everything to be instant, so we must rely on AI to do all the work for us, cup noodles to make our meals in 3 minutes, and Instagram to satisfy our entertainment needs instantly

Large upside-down iced caramel macchiato with white mocha syrup instead of vanilla and the cup lined with caramel drizzle

Straight espresso

People would often describe you as a (perpetually sugar-high) kid at heart. You’re always looking for a good time, and your profile immediately gives that impression. Your bio is full of very original flirty lines, your favourite being: “Yes, I will take some coffee with my sugar so long as you give me some, too, wink wink.”

Occupation:

Height: Location:

Looking for:

Fun-haver 5’5.5” (yes the additional half inch is important)

Wanderer <3

You know what I'm looking for ;)

Two truths and a lie

I’ve been kicked out of a coffee shop for making too many modifications

I accidentally sent the wrong version of my essay to my English TA that included “that’s what she said,” in brackets following Shakespeare quotes that sounded dirty

I’ve never been kicked out of an English class

The first word that comes to mind when anyone views your Hinge profile? Chaotic. You are relentlessly efficient, yet have a mess of a bedroom not even Marie Kondo would dare to touch (you should probably clear your semi-clean clothes from the chair before any Netflix and Chilling). Your profile reads like a business proposal because, let’s be honest, you aren’t down to play the everpleasant game of “What are we?”

Occupation:

Height: Location: Looking for:

Student, Teaching Assistant 6‘0” (no, I’m not 5’11”)

WAC Bennett Library

My Forever Person

Guess my secret talent

Hypothesizing what questions will be on an upcoming exam

Making my bedroom disappear with piles of clothes

Kicking out students that write inappropriate comments on their English essay

All of the above

My dream home must include:

A quill pen and ink

A grand library

Our marriage certificate, signed

A clip of my podcast, “Ode to the Google Calendar”

The key to my heart is Being my karaoke partner (yes, we will be singing Disney duets)

Photo: Vitaly Gorbachev / Pexels

Photo: Chevanon / Pexels

The 11:58 Essay

Written by Gabriel Kitosos

Small leaf tea (in your own cup)

Ah, yes, a calming tea for a calm person. Wrong Don’t be fooled by the choice of beverage; you couldn’t find inner peace if it were pinned on Google Maps. If the internal locus of control had a Hinge profile, it would look identical to yours. You despise the saying “everything happens for a reason,” and take no chances when it comes to finding love (or bringing awareness to climate change). You background check every single one of your matches and think of all the possible ways it could go wrong — not because of personal experience, of course.

Occupation:

Height: Location:

Looking for:

Volunteer with the Climate Action Network Canada 5‘2”

Vancouver, BC

Anyone but Randy

I’m obsessed with (in this particular order)

Revenge

Randy, if you’re reading this, which I bet you aren’t because you probably think this is “too long,” you better stop changing my streaming service passwords, or else I’ll tell your mom what REALLY happened between us (P.S. your PlayStation 5 is having a fun little bathtime right now).

Sustainabili-tea

My dream home must include:

The Lorax

Anyone with exceptional credit and carbon footprint scores

Photo: Olga Mironova / Pexels

SUDOKU