Dream On

As you can probably tell from the historically quick turnover rate, this job is far from easy.

CHLOË ARNESON

ACTING VICE-PRESIDENT UNIVERSITY AND ACADEMIC AFFAIRS

HOLISTIC HEALING

BUILDING BLOCKS

City-building is important and it is central to all of the biggest issues that we are facing all around the world.

JONATHAN

AND

COTÉ // URBANIST

FORMER MAYOR OF NEW WESTMINSTER

If women weren’t doing merit-making, you would have no village.

DR. KEZIAH WALLIS // ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR UNIVERSITY OF FRASER VALLEY

THUR FEB 2

WOMEN’S BASKETBALL vs Central Washington at 7:00 p.m. (West Gym)

» Whiteout T-shirt Giveaway

» Upset No. 24 ranked Central Washington 65–57 last meeting

SAT FEB 4

SAT

FEB 4

WOMEN’S BASKETBALL vs Northwest Nazarene (Idaho) at 1:00 p.m. (West Gym)

» 1–0 against Northwest Nazarene this season

MEN’S HOCKEY vs UVIC at 3:45 p.m.

(Bill Copeland Sports Centre)

» Looking for the season sweep against UVIC

» Garett Hilton (2G, 4A) and Nick Wicks (1G, 5A) have six points in two games against UVIC this season

AWAY GAMES

THUR FEB 2

FEB 3-5

MEN’S BASKETBALL vs Montana State Billings at 6:30 p.m.

» 0–1 against Montana State this season

SOFTBALL at South Central Regional Challenge

» First tournament of 2023: games against Western New Mexico, Adams State, New Mexico Highlands, Colorado State Pueblo, and Fort Lewis (Colo.)

SAT FEB 4

PRESSURE MAKES DIAMONDS

SUN FEB 5

MEN’S BASKETBALL vs Seattle Pacific at 2:00 p.m.

» Looking to split the season series 1–1 against Seattle Pacific.

WOMEN’S WRESTLING at McKendree (Ill.) Bearcat Open (all day)

» Finished fourth last meet

HOME-RUN

1.

For those of you who are tech-savvy, simply type “your resolutions” into the word processor of your choice. Did you do it? Great, now locate the “control” and “s” keys on your keyboard and press them simultaneously. Congratulations! You’ve just saved your resolutions.

2.

Gaslight yourself

No, you did go on your daily 30-minute walk. Don’t you remember? You zoomed through the halls of the AQ looking for the class you definitely attended in the first few weeks of the semester. Of course that counts! You also jumped to conclusions several times today, what a fit queen.

3. Embrace your inner editor

Get out your trusty white-out, or your backspace key (if you’re too fancy for a piece of paper), and edit your resolutions to your heart’s content. After all, you can’t fail your resolutions if you constantly edit them to fit your life (or lack thereof, but who am I to judge).

4. Pretend like they never existed

What resolution? You most definitely didn’t have a resolution to do all of your readings before lecture because, let’s be honest, no one does that (and for those of you who say you do the readings, shhh! Not so loud!). Shove the memory of making your resolution deep down, just like your memories of last semester.

5. Start a petition to cancel resolutions

Assert your conveniently-timed disdain for resolutions and begin a revolution. March to the AQ and proclaim your reasons (fake reasons to hide your failure, of course) for wanting to get rid of resolutions. Claim that resolutions aren’t consistent with a growth-mindset, which you, an intellectual, possess. Get those signatures and vindication.

6.

Go back in time

Set your calendar back to January 1, 2023. Boom. Life = HACKED.

7.

Really listen to your resolutions

Do you really want to read five self-help books this year . . . OR do you actually need therapy? You should read between the lines of your resolutions instead, they may reveal what you truly need. For example, here are my resolutions:

· Listen to Taylor Swift at least once a day

· Rewatch Gilmore Girls 13 times

· Indulge in therapy . . . retail therapy once a month

· Attempt to finish the book I’m writing As you can see, I, too, need therapy (If you’re my therapist, Randolph, I will never admit this to your face so don’t even think about bringing it up at our next session).

8. BEDMAS

Simply make another resolution and stick to it so that your failure cancels out! People will applaud you for adhering to, and remembering, this very complicated math principle. Well, doesn’t that add up . . . not a fan of puns, I see. I’ll just subtract myself from this equation then.

9.

Hide

Avoidance always solves problems, so why not hide from your failed resolution, too? Cower underneath your warm duvet and hope that your resolution doesn’t find you. At least you will be a rested queen, and there will be no consequences from centering yourself in everything!

10. Practice radical acceptance

Why do you need to save your resolution? Because you failed, obviously. That is the reality of the situation and you need to live with it, with the help of some coping mechanisms, of course (healthy ones, no doubt). Maybe you need to make SMART goals like the smart human I know you to be, and have a growth mindset instead.

CTRL+S

Dear Peakie

Dear Peakie,

I want to like, go beyond myself this year . . . like, really ascend . . . and you know what they say, the will of the mind guides the will of your path or something. I don’t know who said that, but I do know you can give me some advice on how to be beyond.

Sincerely, High Up in the Stars

Dear Peakie,

Where on earth is my cute, edgy boyfriend with a mysterious past that I must exact all my emotional highs and lows on? It is almost Valentine’s day and I am BITTER. I was told this was a school of engagement, no less. Where are people going to seek out their significant others? When will I be a significant other?

Sincerely, #1 Most Single University Student (NOT Engaged)

Dear Peakie,

I can feel the hole in my wallet stare into me (metaphorically, of course, I haven’t seen a fifty dollar bill in years). It feels like guilt and bad decisions, but I just need that extra push of comfort every morning from my Renaissance run! HELP.

Sincerely, My Money Jiggle

Jiggles

too much

Nathan T. Peak Associate

ARIES — Mar 21–Apr 19

In this mysterious world full of unexpected coincidences, you are someday destined to end up in the same tutorial class as Ariel from The Little Mermaid. Aww, Aries and Ariel are going to be right next to each other on the alphabetical attendance list so when the instructor splits the list into groups for discussions, you two will always be in the same group! Please tell me about the interesting conversation when she tells you all about how she went from living in the big, blue sea to enrolling at SFU as a human :)

TAURUS — Apr 20–May 20

Honestly, you’re so strict when critiquing your own work. You always set your expectations so high! Soon you’ll discover that judging is your secret talent, and you’ll someday become a Canada’s Got Talent judge and meet your colleague, Simon Cowell. You’re gonna “no” the judging criteria so well.

GEMINI — May 21–Jun 20

Are you still making edits on your New Year’s resolution? New Year’s is so over – it’s time to just stick to the plan and start working towards your goals! It seems like you really need to start believing in yourself, which will lead you to meeting Justin Bieber after your counsellor schedules him to teach you how to become a “belieber” . . . in yourself. That extra confidence boost goes a long way!

CANCER — Jun 21–Jul 22

The answer for you is actually up to you. On TikTok’s search bar, type the letter “c,” and the third account with a blue checkmark that pops up is who you’re destined to meet. Who is it gonna be? Central Cee, Charlie Puth, or even Cardi B? You tell me!

LEO

— Jul 23–Aug 22

Looking straight into the future . . . a time machine will be built by a group of SFU students, and they will offer anyone a free day trip to the past while they’re testing the machine. You will volunteer to enter the big futuristic time machine, and it will take you to Italy in the year 1503 to a painting studio. There, you will then meet the legendary Leonardo da Vinci. You could ask him if he ever thought his name would still be well known 510 years later!

VIRGO

— Aug 23–Sept 22

Once in a while you enter those social media giveaways, right? Well, some day, Virgo, good luck will come your way! You will see an Instagram notification saying you are the winner of a VIP meet-and-greet ticket to Harry Styles’ concert. That’s an exciting future, and it’s never too early to plan your hairstyle for that moment. It would put the good vibes in One Direction: a bright one.

LIBRA — Sept 23–Oct 22

Some day in the future, while life is good, you and your peers decide to travel to Toronto and go party at a local nightclub. Drake just happens to be the special guest that night, and during the show he accidentally drops his microphone right in front of you. He says, “Libra, can you do something for me?” and you’ll pick up the mic and give it back to him. So helpful! He thanks you dearly and wants to meet you after the show, wow.

SCORPIO — Oct 23–Nov 21

I’ll tell you why you’re so lucky to be a student in Burnaby, Scorpio. Some day after a long study sesh at SFU, you will go to the grocery store to buy a few cans of Bubly. You soon find out you’re not the only person craving Bubly when you look at the man also taking packs of Bubly into his shopping cart, and he turns out to be Michael Bublé! You get all excited and bubbly and start a conversation with this famous singer.

SAGITTARIUS — Nov 22–Dec 21

As an SFU student you’re probably living in or near Vancouver. This means your chances of meeting Nardwuar the Human Serviette is extremely high! You’re a human Sagittarius, so I just have a feeling you two will cross paths some day! Whenever you hear about a famous artist touring to Vancouver, take some time to visit some local music stores and you might catch Nardwuar doing an interview in one of them. Meeting him is your destiny, I am certain of it.

CAPRICORN — Dec 22–Jan 19

Capricorn, I know from my omniscient Star-eyes that some of you are guilty of skipping a lecture or a tutorial at some point in your year(s) at SFU. But that’s also a cool thing, because it makes you have one thing in common with rapper Lil Baby: skipping. He was a headliner for Breakout Fest at the PNE venue last September but skipped his show . . . so if you two ever meet, you will have so much in common and become fast friends.

AQUARIUS — Jan 20–Feb 18

Aquarius, you’re full of fun, happiness, and sunshine, and a fun fact is that you love cats and you always enjoy sweets on Valentine’s. Well, that probably means that you’re destined to meet Cat Valentine on one of your future Valentine’s. You guys would be best friends, I can picture it already.

PISCES — Feb 19–Mar 20

Pisces, your ability to hide your stress and anxiety during exams and your laughter during lectures makes you an outstanding actor by heart. This will someday lead you to getting hired as an actor for a future TV series. Guess what? The cast also features the amazing actor, Ryan Reynolds. Therefore, you will become great friends with your fellow actor. Or great enemies . . . who knows how it’ll go?