Dear Peakie

Dear Peakie,

I was at the movies watching The Little Mermaid because, duh, and the fire alarm went off, and we had to evacuate! So obviously, I complain to the manager about making us wait outside for no reason. There’s no way there was a fire; we were all under the sea! Sure, I got a refund, but I’m also considering legal action. What do you think?

Swimmingly, Siren Song Enthusiast

Dear Peakie,

The sun’s out, and so are all the white people who say, “I’m almost as dark as you now!” after precisely one hour of tanning. I’ve been training all winter, so I’m in peak shape to run away from them, but do you have any other advice?

Sincerely, Sunburn Red is NOT the new Black

Dear Peakie,

I enrolled in classes this summer to get a U-Pass (#LifeHack), and now my professor actually expects me to submit assignments. Bro, can’t you just be a G and pass me? I don’t have time to write essays and discussion posts while zooming through zones one, two, and three in a multi-million dollar skytrain car. How do I tell this man to chill?

Sincerely, Millennium Line Voyager