HUMOUR

Gather around, the Stars have decided your last summer escapade

ARIES — Mar 21–Apr 19

Guess who’s becoming YouTube’s latest food vlogger? Who else is going to tell the people whether or not McDonald’s newest summer drink is good? Let’s get one thing right here: you’re going for number of vlogs, not quality. The Stars aren’t that mean. It’s time to get your driver’s license. The last three summers didn’t feel like the “right” time to you, but this year, there is something in the heatwave compelling you to go through with taking that driving test. You don’t have a car, your L may have expired for all you know, but just book it anyway. That’s a problem for fall you to deal with.

TAURUS — Apr 20–May 20

I understand that you’re still super obsessed with that guitarist Kirk Hammett from the band you just discovered last week. Too bad you’re 40 years too late. He was topping the charts when your parents were your age. Don’t sweat it, just learn how to shift planes. Watch a TikTok or two, it can’t be that hard.

GEMINI — May 21–Jun 20

You want to feel real power? Recite Pi. You heard me. Next time you’re in an argument, just start screaming the digits of Pi. How can they one up that? They can’t. You win, by default. That’s just the rules. I would know, I happen to make them.

LIBRA — Sept 23–Oct 22

SCORPIO — Oct 23–Nov 21

Three words. Guinness World Records. You’ve been feeling a little underappreciated lately, Scorpio. What’s a better pick-me-up than becoming the newest title holder for “most apples held in one’s mouth and cut by chainsaw in one minute?” I mean that just screams you! Wait, aren’t you allergic to apples?

SAGITTARIUS — Nov 22–Dec 21

Knock. Knock. It’s change at your door. I’m calling for a full-blown makeover, starting with your hair. Grab some kiddy scissors and have a go at it. Don’t forget to ask your friend what their favorite colour is. No reason . . . just that it’s becoming your new hair colour.

CANCER — Jun 21–Jul 22

Um . . . I don’t really know what to say. The Stars kind of just skipped over you LIKE YOU SKIPPED OVER THEIR ADVICE LAST WEEK. Anyway, talk to you soon.

LEO — Jul 23–Aug 22

AHHHHHH IT’S LEO SEASON! Everyone knows Leos are the Stars’ faaaavourite sign. Throw a block party. Volunteer (as the people pleaser you are, ofc) to host it at that family’s house that has a nice pool. You are the hostess with the highest chance to end up dancing on a table after all. Jokes. Viruses are real. Hiya, don’t be mad at me, but prepare to get high, and I don’t mean what you usually get up to on Friday nights. That’s right, you’re skydiving. Yes, you might be afraid of planes. But it will be over in a second, and you’ll thank me. You will thank me, right?

VIRGO — Aug 23–Sept 22

Getting big camp vibes from you Virgo. Summer is ending, and your birthday is approaching and that’s a whittle scary for you. Invite your first three contacts for a weekend-long trip in the woods. No glamping. Just you, nature, and existential dread. I mean, bug repellent. Or are they equally as bad? Idk.

CAPRICORN — Dec 22–Jan 19

Remember that game you played relentlessly in the summer when you were 12 years old? Yeah, I heard through a very reliable source that the final boss of that game is talking some major smack about you. Are you just going to let a fictional character do that to you? NO! Maybe if you were a Sagittarius. You set your N64 back up and you slay the shit out of that dragon!

AQUARIUS — Jan 20–Feb 18

PISCES — Feb 19–Mar 20

You know how teachers occasionally ask if you speak more than one language? Well, you’re tired of never being able to put your hand up. So you know what you’re going to do? You’re going to learn a new language. And not just any new language — a brand spanking new one. Get to work, Duo is calling.

Dining with Sophistication: Brunch at the trash cannery

An open letter of consideration to your fellow diners

Restaurant: Cornerstone Organic Bins

Rating:

Location: Univercity Burnaby Mountain Appetizer: Egg in hash brown basket Entrée: Quiche Dessert: Fruit Salad Wine: Pét-Nat

Yesterday was my mother’s birthday celebration and we had the pleasure of inviting some of her geriatric bosom friends — for lack of a better term— and their children to one of mother’s favorite restaurants, Cornerstone Organics, up on Burnaby Mountain. Truly the best part of the neighborhood, Univercity, that glorious concrete street!

This morning, my mother insisted I take her friend’s children back to the restaurant for their breakfast service.

I, Reginald Trashpánda III, your honorable and favorable food critic, have decided to give finding the best and the finest dining experience in the community another shot. I had the pleasure of joining some acquaintances for a delightful breakfast last week. Aside from the grating laughter and mindless chatter, I actually rather enjoyed my meal.

It wasn’t as superior as the other places I have visited but it did a fine job. Perhaps breakfast might just be my next favorite meal of the day.

We started off with the appetizer: the egg-in-a-hash brown basket. Was this creative? Not necessarily. Anyone, even an eight year old, can come up with that! But it was not horrible either. The hash brown managed to maintain a humble moisture. The egg was not runny but not hard as a pebble. I was entranced by the crispy layer of egg complete with glistening yolk. It was a delight to start on a good note after yesterday’s soirée. I may have had too much fun, if you catch my fermented drift. The entrée was not too creative, so one star off the rating. I mean, a quiche, nothing wrong with it. But I am within my right as a critic to say this has been overdone — and I already had eggs, after all. My acquaintances seemed to have no clue as to what a basic dish they were ingesting. One of them had the audacity to call it a pie! Ugh, can you imagine? Mind you, being so truly virtuous, I would have liked to school these impudent folks. A pie can be savory or sweet, but a quiche is always savory, light, and fluffy! That is like Royalty Culinary 101, people. Besides that, the quiche was not at all exciting, just plain spinach and mushroom. Forgive me but I tend to like a little meaty attribute to my food.

The dessert was a fruit salad. Again, nothing wrong just indulging in proper juicy vitamins. Mind you, a healthy gut can come from foods such as fruit salad in the morning. There’s nothing better for the willies! Oh and the Pét-Nat for the wine service was tasty! Fizzling by nature and light in alcohol levels. The natural sugars definitely excite the mouth and my sophisticated tastebuds.

I have come to a decision that my favorite meal of the day is still yet to be decided. I think that maybe had I enjoyed the breakfast in total peace and quiet, I would have been more engaged with my food. But the constant bickering and overzealous banter among the common folk was tiresome, to say the least. I have learned that your company matters just as much as the food. So, there you have it my faithful readers: Reginald Trashpánda III serving you honesty.

Across

1. Original thought 5. Rascals 9. Gem weight 14. Window ledge 15. Unbleached color 16. "____ of Two Cities" (2 wds.) 17. TV Host David ____ 19. Relaxes 20. Self 21. Appear 22. Pekoe server 23. Beethoven work 25. Campfire remains 27. Painter Salvador ____ 29. Mom and dad 33. Plus 36. Short play 38. Period of note 39. Quiz choice 40. Moral wrong 41. Curved letters 43. Alias abbr. 44. Mountain cat 45. Short messages 46. Person on a pension 49. Allows 51. Tears apart 53. Awaken 57. Pranks 60. Skin opening 62. Habit wearer 63. Certain parasite 64. Asserted 66. Implant 67. Curve 68. Bare 69. Desist 70. Golf gadgets 71. Dandelion, for one

Down

1. The British ____ 2. San ____ 3. Singer ____ John 4. Key near the space bar 5. Breakfast food 6. Highest point 7. Stage offering 8. Earth's star 9. Profession 10. Sergeant's command (2 wds.) 11. File 12. Singing voice 13. Experiment 18. Manor 22. Not this 24. Summer coolers 26. Of the backbone 28. Published 30. Cozy abode 31. Sycamore or oak 32. Back talk 33. Distant 34. Behalf 35. Wood strip 37. Actress ____ Basinger 41. Main dish 42. Mediocre (hyph.) 44. Corrals 47. Purple flowers 48. Move back 50. Our planet's 52. Fern "seed" 54. Excessive 55. Nappy leather 56. Brought to a close 57. A Baldwin 58. Alaskan port 59. Large brass instrument 61. "____ upon a time..." 64. Tabby, e.g. 65. Wind dir.

SUDOKU

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