ORMOND BEACH
Old TV suddenly stops working PAGE 2
Observer YOU. YOUR NEIGHBORS. YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD.
VOLUME 10, NO. 30
APRIL 1, 2022
Man hits every green on Granada Wilby Onthyme had always hit at least one red light in his commute, but he hasn’t kept track, really. PAGE 2
Rockefeller hanky stolen
Shopper finds that sale item ‘I was getting stressed,’ she recalled in an exclusive interview with the Ormond Beach Observer. ‘Then I found it, and I was like, “Finally.”’ PAGE 2
‘It’s so old that it’s not even useful for nose blowing anymore,’ historian says. ‘Why, oh why?’ O.G. TEK STYLE FASHION EDITOR
A handkerchief once used by John D. Rockefeller in spring 1929 day, a year historians believe had a particularly high pollen count, has been stolen, possible for DNA research. “How else can I say it?” Police Capt. Sorghum Falafel said in a press conference at the Society of Unique Hankies. “This is snot funny.” Falafel resigned the next day after the SUH started a Change.org petition calling for him to be fired, due to the insensitivity of the joke. “Is he totally tone deaf?” SUH President Mellon Collie asked. In an exclusive interview with the Ormond Beach Observer, Falafel revealed, for the first time publicly, that in fact he has perfect pitch. To test his claim, this reporter blew my nose and asked what note the sound could be approximated to represent. “Can I see that hanky?” Falafel asked. This reporter then noted the J.D.R. SEE GOTCHA PAGE 2
INSIDE DICTIONARY BANNED
Many of the words in the dictionary were found to be objectionable, even incomprehensible, in a recent report by the Ad Hoc School Library Book Review Committee for the Preservation of Some Books. PAGE 2
Jessica Elouisa Pretonski-Bossanova realized she was out of granola bars, and she went straight to the store.
$2.2 million home made of Popsicle sticks Many were licked by B-list celebrities.
RESTAURANT ADDS ‘COCKROACH’ Blaming it on staff shortages, a local restaurant is adding cockroach to the menu. “We have great sauces,” the owner said. PAGE 2
REAL TOKH LAND GRAB EDITOR
With lumber at a premium, Jack Falltrades decided to get creative. One 2-by-4 can be made at home, simply by fishing through the garbage. “My kids eat a lot of these things,” said Falltrades, president of Master of None Construction. “And I’m not going to lie: Some were actually eaten by me.” Falltrades uses an epoxy that is made, in part, of melted duct tape, to keep the Popsicle sticks together. With success, however, comes imitation. “My fellow builders are trying everything,” he said. “I’ve seen guys resort to toothpicks. But I think those are suited for smaller jobs. They don’t have the girth of a Pop-
TEACHER’S PET GETS TOP GRADE
Some of the bullies in Mrs. Klickety’s class in first grade have filed a complaint against Minnie, who consistently gets better grades than they do. PAGE 2
INDEX
Public Notices..............PAGE 17 Real Front Page............. PAGE 3
Photo by Joshua Rawson Harris on Unsplash
Jack Falltrades takes a boot-tying break after framing.
Photo by Josh Olalde on Unsplash
SEE GOTCHA PAGE 2