The Dependent issue 156

CMYK

E R I

T A S

Sunday, 02 - 08 February, 2020 I Issue 156 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30

‘Roleplaying as PM with uniform-wearing hoors my kinkiest fantasy,’ reveals Imran

a

FTer receiving flak for the comments he made about nurses at a ceremony organised by the Shaukat Khanum Cancer Hospital in Karachi, Prime minister imran Khan has yet again masterfully taken his critics to the cleaners by exposing their own wretched minds.

Talking to The Dependent in an exclusive interview, Pm Khan said his critics are ‘making up nonsense’ because they are jealous that he continues to fulfill

his fantasies.

“Their own minds are dirty. my comments weren’t directed at nurses, my remarks celebrated how i continue to live out my fantasies. i mean roleplaying as the Prime minister with uniform-wearing hoors was always my greatest – and my kinkiest – fantasy. And look where i am today,” the Prime minister said.

The premier further revealed that his

remarks actually intended to pay tribute to the abilities of Dr Asim from Shaukat Khanum hospital whose injections help him fulfill all his dreams. “i mean i can’t even describe the feeling that i get when Dr Asim gives me that magical injection of his before every National Security Committee meeting,” said Pm Khan giving a trademark smile to this scribe. g

SatIRe

Historic peace plan to see Israel take cuts in number of unarmed Palestinians killed per annum

W

ASHiNGTON — US President Donald Trump’s long-awaited mideast peace plan, unveiled on Tuesday alongside israeli Prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu, underlined the historic deal that has major benefits for Palestinians and requires compromises from israel.

Trump’s plan will see Palestine accepting a disjointed state, reduced control over West Bank with israeli settlements, and none of Jerusalem, as major benefits.

PM taken into custody for participation in PTM rally in 2018

P

rime minister imran Khan was taking for questioning late last night by authorities for participation in a rally of the Pashtun Tahaffuz movement (PTm) in islamabad in 2018.

“They just came in, and said that he needed to accompany them to their facilities for some basic questions about his activities on the 5th of February, 2018, when he had attended the PTm’s rally in front of the press club in islamabad,” said muhammad Salahuddin, the Pm’s personal head of security at Bani Gala. “When i protested and asked them to show some identification, they slapped me a bit.”

“Seeing this, Khan Saheb immediately agreed to be put in the back of the vehicle that they had brought, on the condition that they

don’t hit him as well,” he continued.

“After they also started hitting him, Khan Saheb said that his condition had changed and now he would come along on the condition that they don’t hit him too much.”

“After being hit a little too much as well, Khan Saheb said he would not be putting up any conditions, which is when they stopped hitting him,” he said.

Human rights activists across the country condemned the incident harshly and said that the government is showing criminal silence on the issue. “imran Khan Niazi is a citizen of the country and has all the rights that the constitution has given him,” said Ammar Ali Jan, a Lahore-based academic and activist.

Civil society activists have started a petition on Change.org and have written to Human right minister Dr Shireen mazari to intervene. g

it will require massive compromises from the israelis, which will see them reduce the killings of unarmed Palestinians, including children.

The peace plan, dubbed as the Deal of the Century, will see Palestine getting a bonus of over a dozen israeli enclaves, in addition to the benefits of not worrying about the security of the entire territory, which will be a responsibility given entirely to israel. meanwhile, if agreed, not only would the deal burden

israel with security, it also asks the israel Defense Forces would have to put a four-year freeze on killing any Palestinian less than 24 months old.

Trump has hailed the deal as “historic breakthrough”, equal in significance to the “birth of mankind”, but criticised those that were calling it “win-win”.

“Calling it win-win is ignores the win for Palestinians. it’s actually winwin-win,” the US president told The Dependent.. g

SatIRe

SatIRe

Govt to depoliticise currency notes by removing photo of AIML politician

I

N the aftermath of the PTi-leg government’s decision to depoliticise the Benazir income Support Program, by renaming the programme and removing the photo of the slain former prime

minister, the government has also decided to depoliticise currency notes by removing the photograph of another politician from them.“muhammad Ali

think we need to remove the imagery of politicians from important government documents“mr Jinnah, who his supporters also call the Quaid, was a towering figure, no doubt about it,” said Dr Sania Nishtar. “But his status as a politician of the All india muslim League makes his photo a tad inappropriate for use on any national documents, what to speak of actual, legal tender.”"The plan by the current government will, God willing, go towards the eventual desired depoliticisation of the country, leading to an upper cap on the number of politicians in the country, licenses and eventual phasing out of the political class.". g

SatIRe

Jinnah, a political leader from the All india muslim League, was a beloved, world reknowned leader,” said Dr Sania Nishtar, who leads the government’s depoliticisation initiative. “But i

E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour.

The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL MPTH IMAGES OF THE WEEK

Sunday, 02 - 08 February, 2020

E D I TO R I A L

Now that he’s gone..

Are we ready to adapt to a post-Danish world?

i

t hit us like a sock to the gut, dear readers. It affected all of us, specially our Assistant Editor, who is brooding next to a window as I type this.

Was this death due to the callous attitude of an indifferent (at best) and cruel (at worst) lover? Or, perhaps there is, indeed some truth to the Pakistan Medical Association’s repeated, consistent warnings about cardiac health and poor diets in the country. We can never truly know what killed

him. the misplaced nebuliser on his facemask and outrageously lax protocols regarding who gets to enter ICUs and when, only added fuel to the fire. there was also risk of a literal fire, given how the deceased had also asked for a cigarette, which he was given. the question: how should the government help handle the fallout? We are most concerned about the ex-wife of the deceased.

What will become of her? And the teacher, of course. We are more concerned about the teacher’s

sister, who had a delightful grace to her (not involved here and none of our business, you ask?

Well, same to you.)

We wish for these issues to be resolved promptly. Perhaps the help of the editorial board of this very paper could be conscripted.

Maybe, if the government were to put us in touch with the teacher’s sister, we could correctly ascertain certain ground realities, like if she is seeing someone.

Post-script: her, not the teacher. In case there was some confusion here. g

OPINION

Along with Trump and myself, a Palestinian leader facing disqualification needed for peace plan

A

By Benjy yahoo

t a time when the two vanguards of the Deal of the Century, the US president and myself, are being ridiculously criticised and shunned around the world, I appreciate the fact that the Dependent has given me this opportunity to share my views globally. this publication, writing for which is the surest way to reach the world audience, continues to be the voice for the voiceless.

As hard as it might sound, there are actually people who have been critical of the Deal of the Century. Yes, dear readers, there still are people among us who don’t think that the Middle East peace plan is what it actually is: the saviour of mankind and humanity.

Yes, I firmly believe that the ‘Middle East’ suffixing the peace plan would become superfluous, because the pact would ensure the collective survival of all of the world. therefore, the entire world must come together to push for its implementation. therefore, it was important to reach the entire world through the prestigious Page 2 of this noble publication.

I believe in continued exemplary coverage, especially of the marginalised, this publication has already highlighted the salient features of the Deal of the Century [Editor’s Note: Read Page 1 for more details].

However, let me elaborate further on what it entails, as the representative of the side that is making almost all of the compromises, and getting the fewest gains.

If you notice, the deal is going to burden us with the security and in turn the sustenance of the

entire region. Do you realise how big a responsibility that is? You don’t see that it is we who will be securing both sides?

Similarly, only the existing settlements will continue to be acknowledged as being part of Israel. Do you realise how many more settlements we had planned? I mean we will still go ahead with them, and find a way for them, even if the plan is agreed by the Palestinians tomorrow, but you should know that historically it has been such an inconvenience to find a way around such legalities and restrictions.

It has been especially hard for me with all the domestic nonsense ongoing. And to elaborate on my previous point, I hope you know that I am leading a country which

itself hasn’t recognised its own settlements at a time the world is recoginising them. these domestic cases and charges against me, and similarly against the US president, have unfortunately played their part in complication the Deal of the Century. this is why it is critical that the Palestinians put forth a similar will like the two of us have showcased this week. that meant that we need a leader facing disqualification charges of some sort – like corruption or treason for instance – from the Palestinian side to step up and complete the Deal of the Century. Once we three maligned leaders unite, similar rulers from around the globe will come together for peace and prosperity of the world. g

SATire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

SOCIETY 03 inflation making it difficult to run kitchen, lashkar with UNapproved rs150,000 stipend: Hafiz Saeed

Sunday, 02 - 08 February, 2020

Unprecedentedly united nation creates 200 million stakeholders in traditionally 2-person exercise

T

ISLAMABAD/LAHORE/KARACHI/PESHAWAR/QUETTA/ROME

He nation over the past week displayed a 100 million fold increase in progress and productivity as it displayed unprecedented unity in creating 200 million stakeholders in an exercise that has traditionally only required two persons. in doing so, the country has also broken the work record for the most number of people involved in a single kiss, the Guinness World Records

04

confirmed.

Government officials revealed that the achievement would be celebrated by creating a gigantic flag in one of the many vacant and razed areas of the tribal regions or Balochistan.

Government representatives have lauded the development, with analysts reaffirming that it underlines the progress that the country is making. “not only does this show the unity in our nation that the dreaded West can only dream

of, it also shows that one Muslim is actually equal to at least 100 million kuffaar,” noted analyst orya Maqbool Jaan.

Federal Minister for science and technology Fawad chaudhry has asked global broadcasters to take note.

“Must congretulate nation for showing epic unity, whole country deserves big applause. i yet again ask @amazon and @netflix invest in Pak more than showing ganday indian scenes [sic]” he tweeted. g

Satire

ducationist, philanthropist, south asia specialist and terrorist Hafiz saeed has become the latest high profile and illustrious figure to complain that he isn’t able to run the kitchen and other affairs in the income that he gets. in a conference call with his colleagues from the Lashkar-e-taiba, Jamaat-uddawa, Milli Muslim League and allah-o-akbar tehreek, all of which totaled up to a single individual, saeed said that the current economic situation had taken a toll on him despite the united nations approved monthly stipend. “the inflation has made it difficult to run the kitchen and the lashkar with the Rs150,000 that the un has approved for me. Let’s not forget that the Rs150,000 of 2019-

20 is Rs100,000 of 2016-17,” saeed said in the one-on-one conference call with representation of all of the above mentioned four organisations.

Further revealing his sympathetic and caring side, saeed said he worries even more about those less fortunate than him. “i mean i still have the Rs150,000 stipend – albeit after devaluation – i wonder what loner jihadists, especially those arrested after the crackdown on Jaish-e-Muhammad (JeM) last year, or those without any umbrella, are doing in these rainy days,” he said. g

Satire

Sunday, 02 - 08 February, 2020

NATIONAL

Protestors protesting [protestors protesting (protestors disappearance) disappearance] disappeared

I

Dual status case: iHC serves Vawda notice for concealing he is man-child

t

e

LAHORE

He islamabad High court (iHc) on Wednesday issued notices to the election commission of Pakistan (ecP), Federal Minister for Water Resources Faisal Vawda, and others, in a case pertaining to the minister hiding his dual status from officials. an investigative report published in the dependent earlier this month had made the startling revelation that Pakistan tehreek-e-insaf (Pti) leader Vawda concealed the fact that he was a man-child.

Vawda’s lawyer, when contacted, was adamant that his client would not be disqualified on such ‘frivolous’ grounds. “it is quite clear from

n what computer scientists and mathematicians call a nested loop algorithm, protestors protesting the disappearance of protestors who were protesting the disappearance of protestors were arrested in islamabad on Wednesday.

“Yes, this is a classic example of what is called nested loop,” said dr saira Yousafzai, associate Professor of the computer engineering

department at the university of engineering and technology, Peshawar. “the nest generating variable, we will call it i, can be repeated ad infinitum,” she said, explaining on a white board. “in a theoretical ‘infinite’ computer, that is.” (dr Yousafzai was subsequently taken into

questioning.)

“Listen, i don’t want to be a part of this,” said dr saleem Hassan, Professor at the computer science department at the Lahore university of Management sciences, while speaking to a correspondent of the dependent at his office. “Please leave.”. g

Satire

interacting with my client that though he might have the body of a fully developed man, his statements are at a class 4 level,” said advocate Rafay Hassan.

“Will all people contesting elections now also have to declare other obvious facts like they inhale oxygen to metabolise?” “in fact, i would like to sa–,” said Hassan, before he was interrupted by Vawda, who said something in his lawyer’s ear.

“Yes, yes, we will stop by at Mcdonald’s when we go back. Yes, i know you want the regular meal but want the Happy Meal toy so we’ll order a Happy Meal as well, now please let me talk to this journalist uncle here, okay?”. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

WORLD 05

Sunday, 02 - 08 February, 2020

after iran attack and ‘peace plan’, trump to leak new locker room talk to boost presidential bid

a

Representing Afghanistan ‘equivalent to interfering in Pakistan's internal affairs’, Ghani told

A

ISLAmABAD

fteR Afghan President Ashraf ghani shared his viewpoint on behalf of the country he is the leader of, Pakistan government's chief spokesperson firdous Ashiq Awan warned him against meddling in Pakistan’s affairs.

“Pakistan is a sovereign state. it is Pakistan's internal policy to control areas on both sides of the Af-Pak border, and it is against diplomatic norms for a country to speak against

the internal policy of another country,” Awan said while talking to the media.

“Ashraf ghani wanting to speak on behalf of Afghanistan, hence, is clearly equivalent to interfering in Pakistan’s internal affairs,” she added. the foreign Office has also issued a statement and expressed “serious concern” over the Afghan president’s statements.

“We have noted with serious concern the recent tweets by

Satire

06 SPORTS CULTURE

PC Hotel lobby, escalators among top traditional Lahore sites B’desh team visits on day off

r

DAR-UL-BOOT

eflecting on their back-to-back losses in the first two t20is of the series, while taking a break from training for the next matches, the visiting Bangladesh cricket team spent the day taking in lahore’s culture as the side visited top traditional sites around the historical city. the day-long tour included a trip to stunning heritage sites such as the Pc hotel lobby that the players enjoyed exploring, standing on luggagetransfer trolleys, pushed around by bellboys.

Players were also treated to the site of a 1922 Rolls Royce Pc parked next to the Piano in the lobby, which they could sit in and pretend to drive while hotel staff made “vroom-vroom” noises to make the experience more

President Ashraf ghani, in which he has put forward a perspective seeming to represent Afghanistan, which is a clear interference in Pakistan’s internal affairs and hence, unwarranted,” the statement read.

“We believe that such statements are not helpful to the promotion of good neighborly relations between the two countries, which we have long considered one in the most literal of senses,” it added. g

realistic and memorable.

An exclusive visit to the recently discovered and under-development triple story parking of the Hotel was also arranged. Players liton Das and tamim iqbal, who were racing each other towards the top most section of the parking facility, had to be requested by staff to adhere to the “no running on site” rule. “it has been a welcome break from the hotel room and the cricket field, a true spectacle of mesmerizing culture and beauty”, said Bangladesh team head coach Russell Domingo.

At press time, several players could be seen in awe of the escalators, using one to make their way down to the lower level to immediately get on another that was going up. this was repeated to the point that the escalators had to be shut down to avoid any damage to the immaculately preserved site.. g

WAShINGTON

fteR executing iranian commander Qasem Soleimani along with increasing the hardline approach in trash-talk against iran, followed by the unveiling of a ‘peace plan’ for israel and Palestine, US President Donald trump is looking to take further actions traditionally considered to enhance changes of reelection, sources within the White House have informed the Dependent. the trump camp, which has long been preparing for its reelection bid, despite the impeachment looming over the president, has now decided to leak an audio featuring trump to bolster his reelection bid ahead of the 2020 Presidential elections. “the moment we realised that we had won the election [in 2016] we began preparing for the reelection, even before entering the White House,” revealed a close aide of trump who worked on his 2016 election campaign.

“We started closely looking into what previous presidents had done, and what made them successful in the second elections. that’s where the war-mongering

approach in iran, but at the same time a strategy that could pass as peaceful in israel-Palestine, came,” the aide added.

Sources, however, have further revealed that despite the trump election managers looking into the previous successes over the past three years, they have recently decided that they had been overlooking the single greatest triumph in all of US history. “i mean if you’re going to look into the past, there is no greater accomplishment than our own election campaign. that’s when we decided when need another audio leak of locker room talk that is ideally sexist, anti-immigrant and perhaps even white supremacist,” another trump aide told the Dependent. g

Satire

Sunday, 02 - 08 February, 2020

Created really poor man’s ‘Tu Hai Kahan’ as PSL anthem keeping economic situation in mind: PCB

T

LAhORe

He Pakistan cricket Board (PcB) has lauded the efforts of the Pakistan Super league (PSl) management following the release of the anthem for the fifth edition of the league on tuesday. the anthem entitled ‘tayyar Hain’ has been produced by the PSl team in line with the instructions provided to them by the PcB, officials of the board have revealed.

“the PSl was instructed that they have to keep in mind that this is the first tournament that will be played in Pakistan, and hence the situation of the country – especially the economic situation – should be kept in mind,” a PcB official revealed. insiders within the creative team for the PSl anthem further revealed that they then decided to keep the poor in mind the guidelines by creating the really

poor man’s ‘tu Hai Kahan’.

Speaking to the Dependent, Haroon Rashid who has provided vocals to both tracks confirmed the instructions. “if you notice that despite a gap of two decades i’m jumping and dancing around a lot more in tayyar Hain than i was in tu hai Kahan. Of course, the energy that i was compromising in the music bit had to be compensated somewhere,” he maintained. g

Satire

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.