The Dependent-issue-177

C M YK

E R I T SA Sunday, 28 - 04 July, 2020 I Issue 177 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30

Abbottabad Commission findings should be made public, says Osama Bin Laden

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THE DEPENDENT

PeakinG to reporters who were brought blindfolded to an undisclosed location, al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden said that the government of Pakistan should declassify the findings of the abbottabad Commission and present them to the nation and the world at large.

“For too long, there have been a number of unsubstantiated rumours going about that

incident in abbottabad,” said the al Qaeda leader. “i want you all to be able to put to rest those rumours once and for all.” “i have a reputation to uphold and i want to be able to be look the public in the eye and tell them that it’d take more than seal team bloody six to take an institution like me out,” he screamed. “i’m Osama Bin Laden!!” “and we shouldn’t stop there. after we established that the story was a lie, we should

also go uncover other truths. that COViD-19 virus was unleashed on the world by Bill Gates, that it is undercover sikhs who were pretending to be taliban in Pakistan, that the nasa moon landing was fake.” at the end of the presser, he told reporters that he wanted to speak directly to the public. “i want you all to know that this is not fake news. You are reading this on Whatsapp and Whatsapp does not lie.”g

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Minister for Science & technology confirms sighting of new PM

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How dare PM equate terrorist Bin Laden with martyrs like Hakimullah Mehsud: PML-N

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ISLAMABAD THE DEPENDENT

akistan Muslim Leaguenawaz (PML-n) senior leader khawaja asif on thursday lambasted Prime Minister imran khan over his speech in the national assembly in which the premier referred to slain al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden as “martyred”. asif maintained that such a holy term, which is affiliated with many other holy personalities, should never have been used for Bin Laden.

“Bin Laden brought terrorism to our lands, he was a terrorist through and through and he [PM] calls him shaheed?

How dare he equate terrorist Bin Laden

with martyrs like Hakimullah Mehsud,” said asif during the national assembly session.

Other PML-n leaders also queued up to issue condemnations of the PM equating Bin Laden with some of the most illustrious figures in history.

“While i sort of agree with what he said, the party has instructed me to condemn his statement, and mention other shaheeds that i can think of. i think the most important figure in recent memory is shaheed Mumtaz Qadri,” said Captain safdar in a statement.

Meanwhile, in a separate statement issued, former PML-n leader Chaudhry nisar ali khan said that the current debate on martyrdom is damaging. g

He federal minister of science and technology Fawad Chaudhry has confirmed the sighting of a new Prime

Minister.

“We need to take a break from the earlier, unscientific way to sighting the new PM,” he said, speaking to the Dependent special Correspondent sohail Warraich. “it is time, now, to get a correct handle on this whole thing.”

“the new PM has been sighted, this might cause some discomfort for those who have been sitting pretty on their positions since quite some time, but they don’t get to call what the Great Umpire above has decided,” he said. “no. it will be decided in a scientific manner, by the Minister of science and technology.”

“With science at our disposal, all these things can be modelled very quickly and accurately,” he said.

“We know what happens when in every stage of the lunatic cycle.” “i think he has a correct grasp of what is about to happen,” said Warraich, after conducting the interview. “in fact, he has already picked out his own cell at the naB detention centre in islamabad.” g

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India begins transition into pre-industrial, agrarian society after boycotting all made-in-China products

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nDia has begun a massive transition into a pre-industrial, agrarian society after boycotting all products made-in-China products made it impossible to sustain any other mode of social organisation.

“Yes, it is sad, but it is what it is,” said finance minister nirmala sitharaman. “i hope we can adapt well to the new realities.” the ruling BJP has already dismantled its social Media Cell after their work being made redundant. “in order to ensure they have something to do, we are sending them across the villages of india for the recently created Village idiot positions,” sitharaman said.

“We will still have our armed forces, as none of our defence equipment has been sourced from China,” said Defence Minister Rajnath singh. “sorry, hold on…,” he said after an aide gave him a document. “Well… ..no, we’re not counting where our sources and sources’ sources have sourced the equipment from.”

“Mitron, i feel that we have put our….” said Prime Minister narinder Modi in his weekly Mann ki Baat from the Pradhaan Mantri Bhavan, before three De-sinofication Officers (DsOs) disconnected his made-in-Urumqi microphone. g

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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour.

The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

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02 OPINION&EDITORIAL IMAGES OF THE WEEK

Sunday, 28 - 04 July, 2020

E D I TO R I A L

Opposition should step up Govt should sit on opposition benches

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ENAtoR Shibli Faraz spoke sense the other day when he blamed the opposition for placing all blame on the government and becoming spectators in the mess that the country was going through. that is true. If the opposition genuinely believes the elections

were rigged, then they should imagine they have the mandate of the people and do the needful as is their right. they should just let Shibli and friends use the ministers’ lodges and fly the flag on their official cars. We think this is an acceptable and healthy compromise.

In this issue: the science

minister has finally sighted the new PM. He has given his shahaadat to this effect. the incumbent prime minister says calling terrorists Shaheeds is just locker room talk with his friends.

And CoVID-19 demands, much like this paper, for Faadi to be khilao’d in the national cricket team. g

OPINION

Coronavirus is a better selector than Misbah-ul-Haq

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N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T

By Sikoo Bhakt

t is great to be able to use this space to write the truth and nothing but the truth. the Dependent is probably the only publication in the world that allows you that space, where you do nothing but say the truth – without any sugar-coating.

What I am writing about is going to address two of the biggest crises to have hit Pakistan. they go by the names of coronavirus and Misbah-ulHaq. Now, if we were to compare the two independently, and gauge who is worse, it is obvious that Misbah is by far the bigger culprit, given what he has done over the past decade.

So for Misbah’s benefit, I decided to narrow the criteria, and tilt the matters in his favour. Let’s see that out of the two, ie coronavirus and Misbah-ul-Haq, who has more cricketing knowledge.

And I have to say that even here, coronavirus wins. I say this after looking that the 10 players announced by the PCB who have tested positive for covid-19, during a round of tests ahead of the squad assembling for the tour of England.

It is obvious that they form a more balanced team than any the chief selector cum head coach Misbah-ul-Haq has picked. I do concede that it would require one more player to complete the starting 11, but covid-19 has showed more cricketing awareness than Misbah. the list of cricketers includes Haider Ali, Haris Rauf, Shadab Khan, Fakhar Zaman, Imran Khan, Kashif Bhatti, Mohammad Hafeez, Mohammad Hasnain, Mohammad Rizwan and Wahab Riaz. these are 10 fine cricketers, and would make a wonderful team. We also know that a member of the support staff, the team masseur Malang Ali, also tested positive. So he could be in the playing 11, and even then this team would be a better 11 than any that Misbah has selected so far.

Some might think that this is bowling heavy, but that’s because these people don’t know anything about cricket.

Bowlers win you matches.

Defence wins you titles. talent wins games, but teamwork and intelligence win championships. A good player plays where the ball is. the 11 players could lineup

perfectly together, and will complement one another, to make a formidable team.

Here is how I would line this team up: Fakhar Zaman, Mohammad Hafeez, Haider Ali, Shadab Khan, Mohammad Rizwan, Malang Ali, Kashif Bhatti, Wahab Riaz, Imran Khan, Haris Rauf, Mohammad Hasnain.

Malang Ali is good with his hands, so we’re hoping he can rotate, flick and caress a few with the bat in his hand.

Furthermore, covid-19 has showed enough awareness to pick a specialist wicketkeeper in

Mohammad Rizwan. there are four potential leaders in the shape of Hafeez, Shadab, Wahab and Fakhar, all of whom have captained their Pakistan Super League sides, with Hafeez, of course, having skippered Pakistan.

It’s true that Kashif Bhatti and Wahab Riaz might be batting higher up than they’re used to, but both are decent with the bat.

Kashif and Shadab offer spin – the latter of course has proven himself to be a proper batsman now.

Meanwhile, the fast bowlers have pace and experience, with a left-armer and three right-armers. this team is truly a winner. g

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The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

NATIONAL 03

Sunday, 28 - 04 July, 2020

PML-N appoints Fawad Chaudhry as new Shehbaz Sharif

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Internet, persons missing in Balochistan

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rOTeSTS continue to erupt across the volatile province of Balochistan, centering around the absence of internet signals in certain areas, and human beings in certain families.

The protestors demand that people from their province be given what is a fundamental right in 21st century, access to missing internet and persons.

“Many of us have spent years hearing different stories on the issue, but we haven’t been given what we demand. We just want to feel the

connection,” said Salim Baloch, an activist leading the protests. “in many cases, one just wants to be told that there is existence in some form, even if dead,” said Faiza Baloch, one of the protestors.

“Many of us don’t receive what we hope to receive.

We’re so desperate, we look everywhere, but there is no reception,” added Yaseen ahmed, another local demonstrator. experts, allowed to have an

he country’s largest opposition party, the Pakistan Muslim Leaguenawaz (PML-n), has appointed Federal Minister of Science & Technology, Fawad Chaudhry, as the new Shehbaz Sharif. reading out the official statement issued by the PML-n, the party spokesperson Uzma Bukhari announced that Chaudhry, who still is a member of the ruling Pakistan Tehrik-einsaf (PTi) will serve as the opposition leader in the national assembly.

“This role would only be a part of his designation as the new Shehbaz Sharif, which would also entail continuing the infighting within the PML-n and the participating in the battles to determine who takes over the party,” Uzma Bukhari told the media. according to the official

PML-n statement, Chaudhry is also expected to lead the party, given that Shehbaz Sharif is the current president.

“Fawad Chaudhry is hereby announced as the super supreme leader of the PML-n. he has also been tasked with being nawaz Sharif’s brother, a role historically played by Shehbaz Sharif to mixed results recently,” the PML-n spokesperson added.

Without confirming the development, Fawad Chaudhry told The Dependent, that even if he cannot officially take up the role, he will continue performing it in spirit, as he has been for months. “i originally wanted to replace Shehbaz Sharif as the chief minister, but will take replacing him as the opposition leader,” Chaudhry said. g

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opinion on the matter in the country, note that the Baloch have been denied their basic rights owing to a collaboration between the research & analysis Wing (raW) and the national Directorate of Security (nDS) – the indian and afghan spy agencies. “indians and afghans are controlling all the networks in Balochistan,” said a leading patriotic analyst, a retired officer of the most patriotic institution in the country. g

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Calling terrorists shaheed is just headquarters locker-room talk: PM

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Zartaj Gul Wazir to replace Hoodbhoy as Physics professor at FC College

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he Federal Minister for Climate Change Zartaj gul Wazir has been appointed as visiting professor of physics at the Forman Christian College, Lahore.

“We welcome Ms Wazir as she joins our faculty,” said Dr James e Tebbe. “her desire to balance her role as a federal minister with her desire to teach children is admirable.”

“We feel she would make an excellent teacher of PhY302 astrophysics, and that despite there being a gap of some years, she has retained not just the mathematical acuity

reaking silence on his comments during the national assembly speech on Thursday, where he declared Osama bin Laden a ‘martyr’ Prime Minister imran khan clarified that what he said was locker-room talk. addressing the international media via video conference, after noise being created globally over PM khan’s statement, the premier said that such ‘off the cuff’ comments are normally heard inside headquarters.

“You people don’t know

the culture of Pakistan, for which i would like you to watch the Turkish show ertugrul,” khan told the media during the press briefing. “it is normal in Pakistani culture to say these things.

Calling terrorists shaheed is just simply headquarters locker-room talk. a lot of things happen there, which are casual and don’t mean anything,” the premier added.

Meanwhile, the Special assistant to Prime Minister Dr Shahbaz gill condemned the local media, and especially social media, for spreading fake news against PM khan. “referring to PM’s speech in na today, it is clarified that PM didn’t even address the na today. an unwarranted attempt is being made at home/abroad with a clear intent to make his remarks controversial unnecessarily,” gill tweeted. g

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but also a detailed working knowledge of all college-level physics courses, not just astro, in which, of course, her knowledge exceeds most grad-school students in the US,” he said.

When contacted, Ms Wazir said she hopes to be able to perform her new duties well. “now, if you’ll excuse me, i have some theory brushing up to do before i start teaching,” she said to The Dependent correspondent, before taking out a book, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (illustrated). g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C M YK Sunday, 28 - 04 July, 2020

SCAMS

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50.1% Pakistanis dub covid-19 hoax, 49.9 believe it’s yahoodi saazish: Coronavirus attitude tracker THE DEPENDENT

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ISLAMABAD

ccorDing to coronavirus Attitude Tracker Survey, by gallup Pakistan, 50.1 percent Pakistanis believe that covid19 doesn’t exist.

The survey further reveals that the remaining 49.9 percent Pakistanis are certain that it is a yahoodi saazish (Jewish conspiracy) designed to target the exemplary strength and unity of the Muslim ummah.

The gallup survey covered public perception, attitude and behaviour towards coronavirus across the country. The survey further unveiled that of the 50.1 percent that dubbed covid-19 a hoax, 50.01 percent believe it to be spread by the Jews,

while 49.99 maintain that Zionists are behind this large scale, globally engulfing fraud.

However, the coronavirus Attitude Tracker Survey further underlines that 50.001 percent of those who believe covid-19 to have been spread by Jews, israelis, Zionists – or any variation thereof – also believed that Qadianis have been collaborating with them.

The other 49.999 percent maintain Ahmadis as the collaborators.

The even split among a large population, in such multilayered dimensions, has flummoxed Pakistan experts around the world.

Sanford University’s Behavorial Psychology Department has announced that they are sending field researchers and anthropologists to Pakistan to further investigate these findings. g

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Cory Booker contacts Pakistan’s sugar mafia to fund 2028 presidential run

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THE DEPENDENT LONDON

S Senator cory Booker is already planning for the 2028 presidential bid, and has approached Pakistan’s sugar mafia to fund it, The Dependent has reliably learnt Sources confirm that a Pakistani leader currently in london has decided to back US Senator cory Booker’s presidential bid. The unnamed leader is said to be named in the latest sugar scam engulfing Pakistan.

Booker claims that the Pakistani leader currently is ‘bored’ and has ‘little to do’ these days, especially on the political front.

“Therefore, he is looking to start working on his next political project.

He says it takes 78 years for the investment to reach fruition,” Booker said, in an exclusive interview with The Dependent.

“He told me that i am the future of the Democratic Party and that he is willing to sell one

of his sugar mills to finance my campaign,” he revealed.

However, separate investigations

by The Dependent reveal that the earnings from the latest sugar scam alone will suffice in funding the entire Booker campaign in 2028, even if adjusted for projected inflation.

Political analysts, however, are surprised that the Pakistani leader feels confident that Senator Booker can go all the way in 2028 after his lacklustre performance in the 2020 primary. g

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#FaadiKoKhilaoBC, says covid-19

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THE DEPENDENT

LAHORE/KARACHI/PESHAWAR/RAWALPINDI

Setting priorities straight, Punjab govt dedicates sports complex to coronavirus infected athletes THE DEPENDENT

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LAHORE

ilencing its critics in an emphatic manner yet again, the Punjab government has comprehensively addressed claims that it isn’t taking covid-19 seriously or that it has got its priorities all wrong.

Setting priorities straight, the towering Punjab chief Minister Usman Buzdar has announced that his provincial government will dedicate an entire sports complex to athletes who contract coronavirus.

Talking to The Dependent, after making the announcement on Twitter, Buzdar underlined that a Professional Sports School is being

oviD-19, alias coronavirus, has become the latest to rally behind what over the past three years has become a global movement demanding the inclusion of Fawad Alam in the national cricket team, with the #FaadiKoKhilaoBc hashtag becoming a symbol of resistance against injustice.

However, where citizens, activists, journalists, politicians and even heads of sensitive institutions have rallied behind the hashtag over the past three years, few have done anything remotely close to what covid-19 has done to ensure the fulfillment of the

#FaadiKoKhilaoBc movement.

Talking exclusively to The Dependent, covid-19 said that its efforts over the past week should help ensure that Faadi finally gets a slot in the playing 11 in the upcoming england tour.

“First of all, i would like to thank The Dependent for actually giving life to a movement that concerns every single citizen and organism in the world,” covid-19 said. “i just felt that i have been privileged enough to play my part, in these unique circumstances, so i should go ahead and do the right thing – a right that would undo so many wrongs of the previous decade,” coronavirus added.

covid-19 further maintained that it has nothing personal against those who might miss out so that Fawad Alam gets in.

“Honestly, where i come from we don’t really understand cricket.

My friends have told me that many of those i got in contact with aren’t even a part of the Test team, and most are actually bowlers! But i’m just trying to do my best, despite my limited understanding, for the #FaadiKoKhilaoBc movement,” the virus said. “of course, we can all agree, that at least temporarily, the Bc in #FaadiKoKhilaoBc means By corona.” g

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built at nishtar Park Sports complex in lahore, which will be dedicated entirely to coronavirus patients who are sportspersons.

The development comes after 10 Pakistani cricketers tested positive for covid-19 ahead of the upcoming england tour.

“Please note that this school won’t just be for cricketers. it is for athletes from all sports, which have been unfortunately sidelined in Pakistan. coming from where i belong, i personally feel the marginalisation of other sports in Pakistan,” Buzdar said. The chief minister further highlighted that nothing comparable was being built anywhere, as the world fights the covid-19 pandemic. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.