The Dependent-issue-174

C M YK

E R I T SA Sunday, 07 - 13 June, 2020 I Issue 173 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30

‘Have to accept whatever comes out of their mouth’ says maskless, helpless Imran

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THE DEPENDENT ISLAMABAD

eSPONDINg to pointless criticism leveled against him over the past week, Prime Minister Imran Khan has staunchly defended his decision to not wear a mask during his visit to the headquarters of the Inter Services Intelligence (ISI) on Wednesday.

Visibly breaching the Standard Operating Procedures (SOPs) of his own government, PM Khan

said while talking to The Dependent that it is ridiculous to expect him, as an individual, to follow the rules and guidelines established by the government. “established SOPs? You know very well how the establishment works.

You know better than to think that I have any idea what the government is going and what its SOPs are,” the premier said in an exclusive interview with The Dependent.

When asked, from a

healthcare perspective, whether he should be wearing a mask to protect himself, the premier said this scribe was a moron of the highest order.

“Protect myself? how exactly would that work? It would be a lot more dangerous if I missed out on something. I have to accept whatever comes out of their mouth,” said a visibly helpless Prime Minister of Pakistan. g

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tiger force also charged with bringing peace to the middle east, finding PM’s keys THE DEPENDENT

Govt mulling opening Corona wards to public to boost tourism sector

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THE DEPENDENT

he federal government is mulling opening Corona wards to the public in a bid to boost the local tourism sector, Prime Minister Imran Khan said during a press briefing.

Speaking to the nation after an important meeting of the National Coordination Committee (NCC), the Prime Minister said it was of the utmost importance not just to open sectors like tourism, but to further develop them.

“Look Corona is here, we have to live with it, so why not make use of it” he asked. “People are fascinated by it these days, so we are considering launching a

rickshaw tour of the Corona wards in public hospitals to people that want to see this up close.” “It is up to the people to make sure that they follow our SOPs when they go on these tours, but we cannot stop living just because this virus is here. I am worried about our daily wage earners,” he went on to say. The government has already set up a website for pre-booking of the tours to gauge interest in how many people would want to avail such a tour. “We have gotten a very positive response, and are hoping to launch this sometime around mid-June to July” he went on to add.

“That is the time when Corona is expected to be at its peak in Pakistan, and is when we expect the most people to take up this opportunity.” g

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he Prime Minister’s newly formed ‘Tiger Force’ will now also be responsible for bringing peace to the middle east as well as finding the Prime Minister’s lost keys in addition to their primary responsibility of helping in fighting the Coronavirus pandemic.

The announcement came later in the day from the Prime Minister’s office, after the Prime Minister Imran Khan told the media during a briefing that he wanted his Tiger Force to not just help out with the pandemic in Pakistan, but also with fighting climate change.

“Soon after returning home from the briefing, the Prime Minister changed and decided to go for a run to clear his head. however, he soon discovered that he had lost his keys and could no longer go out and would have to use the treadmill in his in-house gym” read a statement from the PM’s office. “This is when the Prime Minister decided this

sort of crisis should have the assistance of the Tiger Force.

According to sources in the Prime Minister house, the PM looked for his keys everywhere, even though he said he could swear he put them on the dresser. The source also revealed that the Tiger Force was not the PM’s first idea.

“Keys should have a ringer on them so I can call them when I lose them, wallets too” he reportedly said. “huh, I

NAB deploying ‘trace-and-track’ technology to find Shehbaz Sharif

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THE DEPENDENT LAHORE

FTer a failed bid to arrest Leader of Opposition in the National Assembly Shahbaz Sharif in a graft case on Tuesday, the National Accountability Bureau (NAB) has decided to deploy the ‘trace and track’ technology to hunt the Pakistan Muslim LeagueNawaz (PML-N) president.

Sources within the NAB have informed The Dependent that the bureau is deploying secretive surveillance

technology, normally used to locate militants, to track Shehbaz Sharif and the people he comes into contact with.

Details about the project have not been released, but two NAB officials told The Dependent that they are using geo-fencing and phonemonitoring systems that ordinarily are employed to hunt highvalue targets.

According to the officials, geo-fencing will alert authorities when Shehbaz Sharif leaves

his Model Town residence. The officials are also listening in to the calls of the Sharif family to monitor whether their contacts are talking about having symptoms of corruption.

“The trace-and-track system basically helps us track the mobile phones of corrupt people as well as anyone they get in touch with before or after their disappearance,” an official said.

The programme has been publicly touted by Prime Minister Imran Khan, which has turned to the ‘trace and track’ methods for help in tackling the virus of corruption, which still is spreading at an accelerating rate across Pakistan. g

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wonder if anyone has ever thought of that. Upon being told that numerous budding entrepreneurs, most of them between the ages of 12-16 and doing a powerpoint presentation for O levels business, had already thought of the idea, the PM said he should appoint the Tiger Force for this task.

“And while they’re at it, tell them to bring peace in the middle east as well,” he said.

“Oh, and Kashmir.” g

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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour.

The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C M YK

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL IMAGES OF THE WEEK

Sunday, 07 - 13 June, 2020

E D I TO R I A L

Lockdown!!

Everyone, specially debt collectors, stay at home

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eaders, by now it is clear.

The numbers of the Coronavirus don’t paint a pretty picture. We know the risks involved. What is needed is an effective and comprehensive lockdown. Work from home, everyone.

This includes office workers. This includes IT professionals. and this includes debt collectors. If - and this is a

theoretical scenario - a journalist had taken out a loan from a loan shark from androon Lahore to settle a gamble debt with the same loan shark. should the loan shark come knocking every now and then to the office of Pakistan’s Paper or record, or whatever paper the journalist or editor is working at? No, he should stay put, not just for his own sake but also for the sake of his own family and, yes, the nation at large.

In this issue: The Prime Minster's Tiger Force takes on some extra responsibilities, and the PM himself figures out how to make a pandemic ideal for tourists. PUBG causes waves in Kakul and elsewhere, while NaB takes up new methods to track trace those on the run from it. Punjab gets a new IGP, and we look at the best tourist locations this pandemic season. all this and more. g

OPINION

N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T

After a hectic few months, super excited to explore Pakistan’s tourist destinations this summer!

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By Coronavirus

just cannot thank The dependent, and your editorial board, enough for giving me this opportunity. and you know that I am expressing my gratitude on two fronts.

First of all, such has been the level of discrimination and hatred against me that no one would give me any space in any newspaper. It is no coincidence, that it is The dependent, the voice of the voiceless, the echo of the unheard, the supporter of the unsupported, that is providing this space to someone that is actually being globally marginalised.

In fact, when it comes to support, while The dependent has been the guardian angel in the media, Pakistan in general has been especially kind. The Pakistani government, especially the Prime Minister, has shown a big, kind heart when it comes to me and taking care of me. I feel welcomed in Pakistan, like I haven’t felt anywhere else.

Of course, the second and perhaps even more important reason why I am truly thankful to The dependent is owing to the exclusive travel feature you’ve done this week! [editor’s note: Check page 3] I have learnt recently that this hospitality is truly a Pakistani trait.

I mean no other leader in the world has even come close to suggesting that they would open tourism for pandemics. and now the top newspaper in the country, in fact the topmost newspaper in the world, has gone ahead and created a list of tourist destinations that one can explore this summer!

You have no idea how hectic the past few months have been.

Of course, the

upcoming months will be tiring as well, especially later this year.

Hence, I’m really looking forward to a nice little break, and super excited to take a much needed vacation and explore Pakistan’s tourist destinations this summer!

Yes, I want to rest on a beach in Karachi, hike the second highest mountain in the world, explore ancient ruins, eat delicious cuisine and learn more at historically significant sites!

I know very well that several of your coolest tourist spots are bouncing back after disasters that hit their economies hard, including, of course, myself. Yes, I will do good for myself, while relaxing this summer, as I push your tourist destinations into a viral slump.

I want to learn about the region

increasingly abandoned by the federal government to facilitate my visit. I can’t wait to discover the region marred by cross-border firing of two nuclear armed states, which experienced a food crisis in the first month that I arrived in the country. I totally want to go to the place that connects the beginnings of Pakistan and myself.

Of course, I do realise my responsibility when it comes to spending time in sindh around the budget and NFC announcements. and I look forward to doing whatever I want in Balochistan – no pics of course!

Thank you for the recommendations, The dependent.

I know fully well that I’ll still have to do a lot of work during this vacation. g

SAtire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C MYK

LIFESTYLE 03

Sunday, 7 - 13 June, 2020

‘Mera munna sab se smart hai’ – imran consoles his relentlessly bullied lockdown

i Are you a pandemic disease? Here are 5 Pakistani tourist spots you must visit in 2020

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HeTHer you want to rest on a beach in Karachi, hike the second highest mountain in the world, explore ancient ruins, eat delicious cuisine or learn more at historically significant sites this summer – if you are a pandemic disease, The dependent has the right spot for you.

Several of our coolest tourist spots to visit in Pakistan are bouncing back after disasters that hit their economies hard, including, of course, you. You can do some good for yourself, while relaxing this summer, as you push your tourist destinations into a viral slump. dear pandemic disease, whether you want to spread, infect or kill – or all three – there’s a destination in Pakistan for you.

1. Shangrila resort, Skardu

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In the extreme north of Pakistan, Skardu the central valley of GilgitBaltistan, is an epitome of beauty, serenity and wilderness. enjoy the scenic beauty as you learn about the region increasingly abandoned by the federal government to facilitate your visit.

2. neelum Valley, Azad Kashmir opposite to the Keran sector of Indian-held Kashmir. From the Chella Bandi Bridge to Tau Butt, the valley stretches out for 240 kilometres. discover the region marred by cross-border firing of two nuclear armed states, which experienced a food crisis in the first month that you arrived in the country.

3. Gojal Valley Bordering China and Afghanistan,

it’s adjacent to the Karakoram Highway which connects Pakistan to China. Gojal is where Pakistan begins, and China is where you began.

4. Gorak Hill Snowfall in Sindh. You won’t see it during the summer, but you need to spend a lot of time in the province around the budget and nFC announcements.

5. Kirthar Mountains

n a time of populist and fascist global leaders, very few have displayed a capacity, the kindness and the empathy needed to fight a pandemic.

Pakistan can be grateful to have Imran Khan as the prime minister, who has continued to demonstrate care and affection so rare for world leaders – ever rarer for this part of the world.

As already underlined that it is women leaders around the world who have been the best at dealing with the covid-19 crisis, it was PM Khan’s turn to unveil his motherly instincts as he ensured that his baby was well taken care of, despite all the

harshness in the world.

Sources close to the premier revealed that the PM Khan spent much of Friday evening consoling his lockdown who has been relentlessly bullied for two and a half months now. “Kaun kehta hai tu smart nahi hai? Main theek karta hoon ussay.

Mera munna sab se smart hai. Mera chhona,” Imran told his lockdown, eyewitnesses privy to the development have informed The dependent.

“Ainda koi aisay bolay to mujhay bataana. Main dada ko shikayat lagaunga woh ussay theek kar deinge. Theek hai? Shabash, ghabarana nahi hai,” the premier maintained. g

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The range will take you from Sindh to Balochistan, with the region known for its beauty and rich history. You can discover much of the latter during your stay in Pakistan’s largest province where you can do pretty much whatever you want. no pics allowed though! g

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Sunday, 7 - 13 June, 2020

GAMING Cowardly Uzma Khan shouldn’t have settled, says man who gets anxious when landing at Pochinki in PUBG

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PUBG players invited to Kakul to share ideas on immersion training

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FTer witnessing the civilian government successfully engage and learn from social media influencers from digital platforms such as Youtube and TikTok, the armed forces have decided to expand their horizons and seek some input on their operations and strategy from top PUBG players of the country.

An official statement issued by the ISPr announced that the inaugural session of the 3day exercise will take place at PMA Kakul where players and officers-intraining will have a chance to exchange views and ideas on immersion training and take part is some team-building exercises as well.

“PUBG is a wildly famous online multiplayer battle royale game that teaches players crucial skills that can save you in real world combat situations such as getting to the loot, trolling noobs and teamkilling toxic squad members”, said Cadet rehan Bashir.

odel, actress Uzma Khan and her sister model Huma Khan cowardly caved in to just a little pressure, said Ahsan Saleem, a 35-year-old financial analyst who gets anxious when landing in the Pochinki area when playing Players Unknown Battle Grounds on his cell phone with his friends.

“I guess they didn’t have it in them, the guts and gumption that I expected them to have,” said Saleem,

who says landing in Pochinki gives him palpitations because though there is a lot of loot there, it also has a correspondingly large number of other players landing there.

“I guess people just project their own feelings on to others. I have guts and gumption, so I just expected them to have the same.”

Saleem – who if the construction workers in his street are playing cricket when he gets back from work,

quickly dashes from his car to the gate to minimise his time outside the house – said that a good, solid spine is hard to find these days.

“Yes, yes, I know women aren’t even supposed to be brave as men, so not to compare myself with them but even if I were a woman…AAAH, get it out!!! Saima!!! Get it out of here!!!!!,” screamed Saleem to his wife upon seeing a lizard crawl in to the window of their bedroom. g

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Bashir added that he was looking forward to meeting with one ‘MrnooB111’, a candidate who was selected for the exchange, with whom he had coincidentally played a fair bit of PUBG during college and was now eager to see who the guy behind “all those clutches” actually was.

“This interaction at Kakul is one of many initiatives that we are taking to include the youth in the process of formulating a security policy and its implementation.

Young civilians need to be in the thick of it now to perform better later, once they have the reins of government for example. Some of you will go into politics, some may join the bureaucracy and some of you may even become top sportsmen. We will learn as much from you as you will from us during the next few days”, said Major Aslam Butt, an instructor at Kakul, while welcoming the PUBG players. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C M YK

WILDLIFE MILITANCY 05

Sunday, 7 - 13 June, 2020

‘Pakistan sponsored jihadi tiddis were circumcised,’ reveals arnab Goswami after sting operation

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ith the locust swarms causing havoc in india, Republic tV Editor-inChief Arnab Goswami has revealed that the insect attack is actually the latest jihadi insurgency sponsored by Pakistan.

“After having destroyed crops in Rajasthan and Uttar Pradesh, the jihadi locusts are on their way to the other states even as the country grapples with yet another cowardly Pakistani conspiracy,” said Goswami in his broadcast on thursday.

Condemning Pakistan, Goswami confirmed that it had sent “terrorist” locusts into india. he underlined that he had obtained ‘exclusive footage’ following a Republic tV investigation which confirmed the Pakistani identity

of the ‘jihadi tiddis’. “the Pakistan sponsored jihadi tiddis were circumcised. Ladies and gentlemen, the Pakistan sponsored jihadi tiddis were circumcised. i must repeat, the Pakistan sponsored jihadi tiddis were circumcised.

Ladies and gentlemen, i have exclusive evidence here,” he said shouting at the camera, wielding a piece of paper at the audience.

Following the revelations, Goswami carried out a debate on the matter as well.

“You have been exposed.

You are all terrorists. You belong to a terrorist state. You have been exposed. You must be ashamed of yourself. Shame on both of you and your brethren,” he told off two guest locusts invited on the show, who unfortunately couldn’t express their views due to a lack of time. g

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Pompous spy pigeon ki biwi hurls abuses at civilian kabootars guarding high voltage electric cable

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hE Columbidae police on thursday registered a case against a female pigeon who was seen harassing officials and proclaiming herself to be the “wife of a spy” after they refused to let her pass through a blockade on the Electric Cable.

According to a statement by the Columbidae police, the pigeon in question threatened, insulted, misbehaved and interfered with officials performing their “lawful duty”. “in this regard, an FiR has been lodged against the pigeon at the Columbidae police station,” it

said. the statement added that the police officials showed “extreme restraint, composure and calm despite being insulted”. it further confirmed that the civilian pigeons were tasked with guarding the cable, which had a perilously high voltage.

An investigation by the Dependent has revealed that female pigeon in question said she was the wife of a spy who is a part of the inter Species intelligence, working on cross-border espionage operations along the Line of

Control. “the women pigeon claims that her hubby is working on a topsecret operation targeting india,” revealed a well place inter Species intelligence source. the Chief of Animal Staff has taken notice of the matter. the episode has taken social media by storm with the video of the alleged spy pigeon ki biwi going viral. the traditional media, meanwhile, is exercising restraint.

“Khatoon apnay aap ko ba-asar kabootar ki aehleya bataati hain” reported ARY. g

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06 NATIONAL

Sunday, 7 - 13 June, 2020

10th NFC award to establish spreading viral infections as a federal subjec

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tiktok star Phollu appointed iGP Punjab

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FtER a successful and foolproof strategy to address the ongoing covid-19 pandemic, and spread awareness regarding it among the masses, the Punjab government has also addressed another issue that has been marring the province; one which the incumbent Pakistan tehrik-e-insaf (Pti) had vowed to fix in its election manifesto.

Punjab Police, which many believe has long needed a revamp, has finally begun undergoing the long-pending reforms, with the appointment of tiktok star Phollu as the influencer General of Police (iGP).

As part of its plan to set up a social media secretariat in Punjab, the provincial

government has created new posts of iGP along with the instagram Chief Secretary (iCS).

Posting of officers is expected to be made in a couple of weeks, with iGP Phollu discharging his mandated functions from July, 1, 2020. “in line with the Pti’s manifesto and the promise made on social media, we have created two posts of iGP and iCS”, Punjab Chief Minister Sardar Usman Buzdar announced this in his twitter post on Friday. talking exclusively to the Dependent, iGP Phollu, alias toqeer Ahmad, said he was excited to take up his new role.

“Brotheron sisteron, keep watching this space,” he said.. g

hE 10th National Finance Commission (NFC) is all set to establish the spread of viral infections as completely the center’s prerogative, the Dependent has reliably learnt. the development comes after years of disagreements over different matters between the central power and the rest, with the covid-19 pandemic providing the opportunity for all parties to finally reach a solution.

While the 8th and 9th NFC

remained inconclusive, the distribution mechanism set under the 7th NFC Award given by the Pakistan People’s Party (PPP) in 2010 would be extended to the new NFC. however, in the terms of Reference (toRs) of the new NFC, there were additions of a few terms which, according to insiders, were not part of the previous commissions. this included assessment and allocation of pandemic diseases to support security

policies and democratic calamities. in this regard the 10th NFC award will establish spreading viral infections as a federal subject.

Another addition was the assessment of total public infections and allocation of excuses to not address it, so as to address the finances dedicated to security and defence.

As per the insiders, the rest of the toRs were almost the same as those of previous commissions.. g

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Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.