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E R I T SA Sunday, 24 - 30 May, 2020 I Issue 172 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30
Chief Justice directs covid-19 to end self
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THE DEPENDENT ISLAMABAD
hIef Justice of Pakistan Gulzar Ahmed on Monday issued directions for covid-19 particles across the country to end themselves. During a hearing of a suo motu case regarding measures taken to deal with the coronavirus crisis, heard by a five-member bench, Justice Ahmed questioned the “logic” behind covid-19 keeping itself alive. In its written order, issued hours after the hearing was adjourned, the court noted that the Punjab government and Islamabad
administration had approached the National health Services and Research Centre (NhSRC) for permission to eradicate covid19 and will likely obtain one. “If such can be done by two of the most incompetent administrative units, why the similar cannot be done by coronavirus itself? We find no valid reason or justification for the same,” the order read, directing covid-19 to approach the NhSRC to formally eliminate itself. It also observed that just because markets and shops were open does not mean that the covid-19 particles had to go there.
The court further criticised the governments for not issuing standard operating procedures (SOPs) for coronavirus particles. “We expect that after such SOPs are issued, they would include unequivocal orders for covid-19 to kill itself. hopefully the respective provincial governments shall not create any hindrance or obstruction in this regard and ensure that coronavirus follows its self-eliminating SOPs,” the court order said.
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Unemployment to be key area of focus if given chance at federal govt, says Colonel’s Wife THE DEPENDENT
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Police search for PM’s advisors who advised him to murder 5 innocent people
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THE DEPENDENT
manhunt has started in the federal capital Islamabad after the prime minister murdered five innocent people for the premier’s advisors who advised him to do such a thing. “The entire force is on this,” said ICT Police IG Amir Zulfiqar Khan. “We need to get to whoever is responsible for this heinous crime of advising the
prime minister to do whatever he did.” The Islamabad manhunt comes hot on the heels of the investigation into finding out who advised the prime minister to allow the export for sugar when there was clearly going to be a shortage, resulting in a government expenditure for the subsequent subsidy. “There is no doubt in our minds, of course, that the prime minister is an honest man. A good man. It is whoever had advised him to do this, that is the main culprit,” said Khan. g
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he pressing issue of unemployment is going to be the key area of focus if she were to be given a chance at the federal government in the upcoming elections, says the Colonel’s Wife. “I know there are many, many issues facing the country right now, but every government has a ‘ticket’, as it were, and mine is unemployment,” she said, when speaking to a gathering on the M-15 Motorway at havelian. “Yes, there are also the issues of health and education, not taking anything away from that. There will be a lot of work done in those sectors as well,” she said. “But my personal forte is unemployment, as was expressed by my party member Shahid Afridi some days ago.”
“Another key focus area is police reforms,” she said, while looking menacingly at the Assistant Sub-Inspector standing at a picket in front of the political gathering. “We’re going to put the fear of God in these fellows…..specially that one.”
Trailblazing Ali M Khan now tackling negative ethnic stereotypes
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THE DEPENDENT ISLAMABAD
eSPITe allegations over his party and government siding with autocratic forces and clamping down on freedom of expression, Minister of State for Parliamentary Affairs Ali Muhammad Khan continues to come out as the leading dissenting and progressive voice in the country, as he fearlessly plays his part in saying what needs to be said. earlier this month the state minister was seen painting what he maintains was an eerily accurate picture of the country, with a
tweeted image underlining how the state is being run and another tweet showing the extremist ideology that is at its heart. The minister’s expressions, interpreting how he perceives the Pakistani state and society, continue to come on Twitter, where he was recently seen describing the tendencies in the country to perpetuate ethnic stereotypes. Ali Khan maintains that just because a notorious member of a
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demographic is a certain way, doesn’t mean that all others would be like him as well. While talking to The Dependent, the indubitably liberal and progressive Ali Muhammad Khan, maintains that he is not afraid of any repercussions. “Such is the level of regression and bigotry in our country that it boils my blood. I consider it my faith to highlight such regressive ideas. I owe it to my people and don’t care what ramifications I have to suffer because of them. I will continue to condemn ethnic stereotyping,” he said. g
Political analyst close to establishment circles feel the Colonel’s Wife has a shot. “hey, we’ve done worse,” said Mosharraf Zaidi, speaking on the condition of that his name would be written in the news story. g
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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.