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E R I T SA Sunday, 24 - 30 May, 2020 I Issue 172 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30
Chief Justice directs covid-19 to end self
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THE DEPENDENT ISLAMABAD
hIef Justice of Pakistan Gulzar Ahmed on Monday issued directions for covid-19 particles across the country to end themselves. During a hearing of a suo motu case regarding measures taken to deal with the coronavirus crisis, heard by a five-member bench, Justice Ahmed questioned the “logic” behind covid-19 keeping itself alive. In its written order, issued hours after the hearing was adjourned, the court noted that the Punjab government and Islamabad
administration had approached the National health Services and Research Centre (NhSRC) for permission to eradicate covid19 and will likely obtain one. “If such can be done by two of the most incompetent administrative units, why the similar cannot be done by coronavirus itself? We find no valid reason or justification for the same,” the order read, directing covid-19 to approach the NhSRC to formally eliminate itself. It also observed that just because markets and shops were open does not mean that the covid-19 particles had to go there.
The court further criticised the governments for not issuing standard operating procedures (SOPs) for coronavirus particles. “We expect that after such SOPs are issued, they would include unequivocal orders for covid-19 to kill itself. hopefully the respective provincial governments shall not create any hindrance or obstruction in this regard and ensure that coronavirus follows its self-eliminating SOPs,” the court order said.
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Unemployment to be key area of focus if given chance at federal govt, says Colonel’s Wife THE DEPENDENT
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Police search for PM’s advisors who advised him to murder 5 innocent people
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THE DEPENDENT
manhunt has started in the federal capital Islamabad after the prime minister murdered five innocent people for the premier’s advisors who advised him to do such a thing. “The entire force is on this,” said ICT Police IG Amir Zulfiqar Khan. “We need to get to whoever is responsible for this heinous crime of advising the
prime minister to do whatever he did.” The Islamabad manhunt comes hot on the heels of the investigation into finding out who advised the prime minister to allow the export for sugar when there was clearly going to be a shortage, resulting in a government expenditure for the subsequent subsidy. “There is no doubt in our minds, of course, that the prime minister is an honest man. A good man. It is whoever had advised him to do this, that is the main culprit,” said Khan. g
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he pressing issue of unemployment is going to be the key area of focus if she were to be given a chance at the federal government in the upcoming elections, says the Colonel’s Wife. “I know there are many, many issues facing the country right now, but every government has a ‘ticket’, as it were, and mine is unemployment,” she said, when speaking to a gathering on the M-15 Motorway at havelian. “Yes, there are also the issues of health and education, not taking anything away from that. There will be a lot of work done in those sectors as well,” she said. “But my personal forte is unemployment, as was expressed by my party member Shahid Afridi some days ago.”
“Another key focus area is police reforms,” she said, while looking menacingly at the Assistant Sub-Inspector standing at a picket in front of the political gathering. “We’re going to put the fear of God in these fellows…..specially that one.”
Trailblazing Ali M Khan now tackling negative ethnic stereotypes
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THE DEPENDENT ISLAMABAD
eSPITe allegations over his party and government siding with autocratic forces and clamping down on freedom of expression, Minister of State for Parliamentary Affairs Ali Muhammad Khan continues to come out as the leading dissenting and progressive voice in the country, as he fearlessly plays his part in saying what needs to be said. earlier this month the state minister was seen painting what he maintains was an eerily accurate picture of the country, with a
tweeted image underlining how the state is being run and another tweet showing the extremist ideology that is at its heart. The minister’s expressions, interpreting how he perceives the Pakistani state and society, continue to come on Twitter, where he was recently seen describing the tendencies in the country to perpetuate ethnic stereotypes. Ali Khan maintains that just because a notorious member of a
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demographic is a certain way, doesn’t mean that all others would be like him as well. While talking to The Dependent, the indubitably liberal and progressive Ali Muhammad Khan, maintains that he is not afraid of any repercussions. “Such is the level of regression and bigotry in our country that it boils my blood. I consider it my faith to highlight such regressive ideas. I owe it to my people and don’t care what ramifications I have to suffer because of them. I will continue to condemn ethnic stereotyping,” he said. g
Political analyst close to establishment circles feel the Colonel’s Wife has a shot. “hey, we’ve done worse,” said Mosharraf Zaidi, speaking on the condition of that his name would be written in the news story. g
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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
C M YK
02 OPINION&EDITORIAL IMAGES OF THE WEEK
Sunday, 24 - 30 May, 2020
E D I TO R I A L
Do you know who I am?
I used to play cricket with a colonel’s son
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HE Accredited Bureau of Circulation raided the office the other day, wanting to have a look at the copies the press is printing so it could ascertain our circulation figures. Imagine. Pakistan’s Paper of Record having to explain itself to these beancounters! They didn’t take well to our consternation. They insisted that they absolutely must have a look at our press. That is when we decided to call in
the big guns. Literally, not figuratively. Because we informed the fellows that the executive editor used to play cricket in Peshawar with the son of a serving colonel in the artillery. Yes, he was retired, but a proper commander of a battery of the army he was. Surely that has to count for something. It, sadly to report, didn’t count for anything. They said retired officers are plenty. Even former two-stars don’t cut it anymore, what to speak of colonels.
Which is good, because as I recall, I’d even had a falling out with the son. Something about his (then) fiancee. In this issue: the chief justice has directed for the COVID-19 virus to end; good news, finally! Moving on, Khadim Rizvi, Yogi Adityanath select joint IndoPak all-time XI. So more good news. The Colonel’s wife (different colonel) promises to have a look at the unemployment problem in the country one she gets power. g
OPINION
Think my English isn’t good? Now I’m writing for world’s top English publication!
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N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T
By Kaptaan-e-azam
am a perfectionist. I’d rather not do something altogether instead of doing it wrong. Or to phrase it better, I’d rather continue to work on it and do it perfectly, instead of doing it wrong. You might have noticed that during my first stint as the captain of Pakistan in Australia last November, I gave all my interviews with the media manager as my Urdu-to-English interpreter. Now some former cricketers, who are more former than they were ever cricketer, are urging me to improve my English. Now first get the obvious out of the way. Of course, I always knew that I was going to become the captain of Pakistan one day. I also knew that when I do become the captain I would be expected to be able to converse in the language that the sport’s officials and commentators usually engage in. However, I wasn’t expecting it to happen so soon. You might have noticed during my captaincy stint in Australia that not only did I choose to not speak English, I also chose to practically not captain. There was hardly anything that I did that a competent captain would. However, I batted well, which is what I’m most comfortable doing. Now, of course I want to – and I will – improve as captain. This is especially true now that I have been formally announced as what everyone knew I already was – the captain of the ODI team. However, what I want to show you here and now is the fact that my English is already up to the mark. You thought my
English isn’t good? Here I am writing for the top English publication in the entire world! Those criticising my English – how many of you have written for the prestigious Page 2 of The Dependent. Furthermore, I never understood why my English was criticised to begin with. I mean how can anyone know what my level of English is if you’ve never heard me converse in it. How is my English bad, if I actually refuse to speak English? Also, I’m not a linguist, so I would prefer being criticised for what I actually do: play cricket. Now, you can hardly find any fault in my stroke-play and technique. I’m the prettiest batsman out there, we all know that.
However, what you can criticise is my lack of match-winning innings under pressure. I mean barring that century against New Zealand at the World Cup none of my top scores have come in match-winning causes against the top-most teams, especially while chasing. You can also criticise me for setting my own tempo, and not really hunting down the game by following the tempo it sets – hence not really being match-winner as things stand. That’s why all comparisons with Virat Kohli – or Steve Smith – are ridiculous. If you are really desperate to find something bad that you could criticise, maybe you could spend some of that in all those making these stupid comparisons. g
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The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
C MYK
SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY 03
Sunday, 24 - 30 May, 2020
Corona-Karam express: Special trains launched to connect covid-19 to far flung areas
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ederal minister for railways Sheikh rashid ahmed inaugurated the Corona-Karam express on Friday. rashid said Pakistan railways (Pr) would run a total of five covid-19 special trains to facilitate then pandemic. addressing a press conference here at Pr headquarters, he said maximum encroachments would be removed, and all out efforts would also be made to connect covid-19 to far flung areas of the country. “The incumbent government is free of corruption and that’s why foreign investment was pouring in. Some of this is in the shape of infectious viruses, which we have decided to share with the rest of the country without any discrimination,” he maintained.
He said exclusive trains, namely Corona-Karam, Banday-maar express, Qaatil mail, death Coach and Tezmaut have been earmarked to carry covid-19 particles. “Furthermore, regular trains have been allocated special compartments that will carry coronavirus,” the federal minister added. rashid maintained that unlike the past, no part of the country will be deprived of access to railway tracks, and the pandemic that they will be transporting. “Some powers don’t want to see railway track up to Gwadar, where I promise you covid-19 will reach through Pakistan railways,” he said. “The pandemic is a prominent feature of the China Pakistan economic Corridor, which will be made operational at the earliest.” g
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Retired cricketers Pakistan’s second most endangering retired species: National Geographic
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IldlIFe numbers are rapidly increasing in Pakistani politics, with thousands from the much coveted retired species working tirelessly for the extinction of democracy in the coming decades. Few people likely understand this better than Joel Sartore, National Geographic’s wildlife photographer. Sartore’s latest photo-essay underlines that retired cricketers in Pakistan are the country’s second most endangering retired species. Satore’s much awaited upcoming
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book, ‘democracy Vanishing: Pakistan’s most dangerous retired Creatures,’ along with the upcoming June 2020 issue of National Geographic, features some images of the kinds of retired species that have survived only in Pakistan. meanwhile, a debate has surrounded the wildlife circles with regards to defining an ‘endangering species’. Whether a species is endangering —meaning actively participating in other species’ extinction —depends on which
definition you use. The International Union for Conservation of Nature’s red list of Threatening Species classifies a retired creature as endangered when its numbers in the wild have increased so high that another species is at “extremely high risk” of extinction. “retired cricketers have joined the top retired species of the Pakistani political ecosystem to actively undertake the extinction of democrats,” National Geographic’s photo-essay says. g
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Sunday, 24 - 30 May, 2020
NATIONAL
Last man standing 30 mins every week for Kashmir asked to sit down by traffic constable
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Moon explodes after Mufti Muneeb accidentally presses secret red button on side of telescope
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major global catastrophe occurred on Sunday evening as the moon was blown into smithereens by the Chairman of Pakistan’s ruet e Hilal Committee, mufti mubeeb ur rehman, after he accidentally pushed a secret red button underneath his telescope, which turned out to be a space missile. The event occurred while mufti muneeb was peering into the telescope to try and spot the ramzan moon and determine whether the first fast in Pakistan would be on monday or Tuesday. during the inspection, the ruet e Hilal Committee Chairman noticed a shiny red button on the underside of the telescope. Upon seeing it, he is reported to have said “Oo. This looks shiny, I wonder what this button does,” which then became the last words to ever be uttered on an earth that
still had the moon orbiting around it. The committee later held a press conference, in which they announced that since the moon had been destroyed, it had been determined that the first fast would fall on Tuesday. “Since the moon could not be sighted on account of it currently floating around the galaxy in billions of pieces, the current month will last 30 days” mufti muneeb told the press conference. meanwhile, scientists and world leaders are scrambling over how to react after the earth’s only natural satellite went up in ashes, trying to figure out how the destruction of the moon would affect the world. “Well we won’t have eclipses anymore. and no more tidal waves, which means no more obnoxious surfers. Or different size days” said a leading astrophysicist at CalTech. “So all in all a good day.” g
aleem Khattak, the last man still standing for 30 minutes every week for the Kashmir issue as per the Government of Pakistan initiative, was asked to sit down by a traffic constable in Islamabad. Saleem, a voter of the ruling Pakistan Tehrik-e-Insaf and Prime minister Imran Khan, took to standing for 30 minutes every Friday with a smattering of crowd from his neighbourhood back in august, 2019, when the government had first started the initiative.
“Back then, there were several people, like all of Street 101 and 102. The menfolk anyway,” he said. “Then the shopkeepers from the allah Wali marker, which is our sub-sector market. Some from the markaz also came a couple of times, but they had their own thing after that.” “The numbers just kept coming down,” he said. “Till there was just Siddiqui Uncle and Tikoo. and then, not even them.” “Yes, I asked him to sit
down,” said aSI Ghulaam Hussein of the Islamabad Traffic Police. “Not because he was obstructing the traffic. The fellow remains off the road anyway.” “I was just feeling sorry for him, the poor thing,” he said. The Foreign Office has criticised the incident. “If we cannot get support from within the country,” said aisha Farooqui, FO spokesperson. “Then what hope do we have with the international community?” . g
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The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
C M YK
ARTS AND CULTURE 05 imtiaz ali signs taimur ali Khan for Love aaj Kal 2040
Sunday, 24 - 30 May, 2020
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irector imtiaz Ali has roped in megastar taimur Ali Khan for a future edition of Love Aaj Kal tentatively slated for the year 2040, the Dependent has reliably learnt. According to sources within imtiaz Ali’s entourage, the director plans on making a franchise, and will be releasing one of the films from it every few years. “He [imtiaz] believes that it is a truly franchisable idea. Hence, he has already signed in taimur Ali Khan for Love Aaj Kal 2040. the plan is to make Love Aaj Kal 2030 with ibrahim Ali Khan. imtiaz Ali believes that the Pataudi family is truly franchisable,” the source said. the source further added that with Saif Ali Khan marrying Kareena
Kapoor, imtiaz Ali is thinking of a crossover as well. “Let’s not forget that the Pataudi family and Kapoor family are now directly related. So when you talk about being franchisable, there’s nothing in Bollywood – or anywhere in the world – that would come close. the Kapoor-Pataudi crossover for Love Aaj Kal would absolutely destroy the Marvel-Dc crossover,” the source added. earlier, at the trailer launch of Love Aaj Kal 2020, imtiaz Ali had hinted that he’s working on the Pataudi franchise. “i feel this is a franchisable idea. i have made two films with the same family because after ten years, the basis on which i made the earlier film is the same. Now, i am getting the opportunity to say it in a different way starring the same family,” he had said. g
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There is na-mehram hugging in Ertugrul season 4, episode 20: Zakir Naik
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rtUgrUL, the turkish series based on the fictionalised history of the ottoman empire, features haram scenes, it has been confirmed. the show, currently being broadcast on PtV, following insistence of Prime Minister imran Khan, who said ertugrul “would allow people to trace back their islamic roots and get in touch with the rich Muslim history,” is actually full of un-islamic naughtiness. this was revealed by the supreme authority on haraamness and naughtiness Zakir Naik, who confirmed that ertugrul is haraam
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– even if less haraam than many other things that were more haraam. this scribe asked the scholar, if it was allowed to watch ertugrul, to which Naik replied: “Brother asked a good question. i have already passed a fatwa against it. Season 3, episode 16 of this series has na-mehram touching and feeling. there is na-mehram hugging in season 4, episode 20. Hope that answers your question.” the scribe further asked how the haraamness in ertugrul compared with other industries. “Brother asked a very good
question. Since 99.9 percent of shows are haraam, i must say that the hugging and touching in ertugrul is slightly less haraam. Here you have more gunah-ekabira than gunah-e-saghira. there is full on gunah-esaghira in too Hot to Handle Season 1, episode 8. Hope that answers your question,” he replied. the scribe further asked which Netflix episodes had the haraamest bits. “Brother asked another very good question. give me your WhatsApp number i will share the clips with you,” Naik replied. g
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Sunday, 24 - 30 May, 2020
SPORTS Khadim Rizvi, Yogi Adityanath select joint Indo-Pak all-time XI
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Down-on-his-luck Salman Butt offering spot-fixing solutions on fiverr.com
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AKiStAN has always had a bad impression for not valuing and honoring its con-artists, especially in bleak times. Similar is the recent case with a world renowned artist from Lahore who became the talk of the town for posting an ad. Another example of disowning our conartists, Mohammed Asif’s recent interview had gone viral on social media. it underlines how much we miss the heroes of their field. the government and boards have betrayed these heroes and failed to provide compensation to them. this time, it’s the truly exceptional spotfixer Salman Butt who is in the limelight. recently, Butt was seen offering spot-fixing solutions on a freelance marketplace. Such stories indeed make us fans and
admirers sad, watching some of our favorite fixers struggling to make ends meet. the ace spot-fixer Salman Butt posted an ad, “i will make a professional spotfixing deal for you, for $100,” on Fiverr. After sharing it on his official Facebook, reactions started pouring. the sympathy came in numbers, as people asked him to take down the ad, eventually prompting Salman Butt to step in. “i (Salman Butt) am not ashamed of earning like this. So stop making it something i should be ashamed of,” Butt said while talking to the Dependent “Maybe they [sympathisers] did it out of love, feeling i deserve better or i should demand more in return. But it’s very demotivating for a con-artist when all he’s doing is exploring a new market,” he added. g
He covid-19 pandemic has largely stopped religious extremist action on the field. As a result many former and current radicals are showing their completely different sides. in the free time, many of them are heading towards social media and engaging in various activities. Some radicals are involved in a Q/A session on microblogging website twitter, while some have participated in a live chat session on instagram with other extremists. Many are interacting with fans via their Youtube channels. What we’ve also witnessed is collaborations between various big names of their respective fields, with
combined video chats, and conference calls, being shared on social media. even so, given the turbulent relations between the two countries, such activities have been rarely witnessed between Pakistan and india even during the lockdowns. However, two prominent names from the religious radicalism business chose to break the taboo, as they released a joint video call. the chief minister of Uttar Pradesh, the most populous state of india, Yogi Adityanath joined the chief of tehrik-eLabbaik Pakistan (tLP), the third most popular party in Pakistan as per 2018 vote
count, Khadim rizvi. together rizvi and Adityanath combined two trends – social media calls between influencers and selection of a joint Pakistanindia Xi. the two selected a combined Xi of religious extremists from both countries, which according to them would make the most formidable team.
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Here’s the final list: 1. Masood Azhar 2. Lokesh Sharma 3. Hafiz Saeed (c) 4. Prasad Shrikant Purohit 5. Syed Salahuddin 6. Swami Aseemanand (vc) 7. Dawood Ibrahim 8. Pragya Singh Thakur 9. Zakiur Rehman Lakhvi 10. Dara Singh 11. Ajmal Kasab g
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The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.