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E R I T SA Sunday, 17 - 23 May, 2020 I Issue 171 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30
Grateful nation asked to be 20% more grateful
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THE DEPENDENT SHUKRIYABAD
he indebted nation has been asked to show a 20 percent increase in the indebtedness for felicitation year 202021. According to the Ministry of happiness and Gratitude another 6,367 billion formal, threedimensional, thank yous would be needed for the felicitation period running from July 2020 to June 2021. The memorandum, submitted
to the Felicitation Division by the happiness Ministry, claims those indebting the nation are feeling a contentment crunch due to devaluation of the felicitation unit and inflation in the price of happiness. It noted that in the current felicitation year, 2019-20, the appreciation had increased by 5 percent. “10 percent ad hoc thankfulness was awarded,” it added. however, as current
circumstances have affected the felicitation space, says the memo, an increase of gratitude “duly approved by chairman joint chiefs of satisfaction committee” has been sought. It says this can be accomplished by merging ad hoc thankfulness from 2016-2019 into the basic gratefulness designated in 2017. “Thereafter, allowing increase in gratitude @20% of revised thankful scales in felicitation year 2020-21.”
Satire
indian army launches annual pre-budget summer offensive THE DEPENDENT
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New Leopard Force to ensure citizens don’t leave markets to guarantee revival of economy
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PAKISTANTODAY
he federal government has launched a new Leopard Force with the purpose of ensuring citizens stay in the markets to ensure citizens do not leave markets and malls in order to guarantee the revival of the economy. “The Leopard Force is going to work as a parallel entity to the Tiger Force but it has a different mission statement and objective,” said information minister Shibli Faraz. “They would appear to be in conflict with each
other, but they are not because ultimately, they are both following the different ideologies of chairman Imran Khan, who wants both these things at the same time.” “Well, not at the same time but at different times of the day or week,” he said. “But it’s still what he wants. I think.” “We are sure we will be able to resolve the problem,” he said, referring to the violent clashes that broke out between the Tiger and Leopard Forces in Lahore. “Yes, the sad loss of those twenty-six lives will always be on our minds, but it was all for a higher cause.” g
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RAWALPINDI
he cowardly Indian Army has once again initiated its annual summer offensive. While the Indian Army’s violations across the Line of Control (LoC), this special offensive is designed to increase the cross-border firing at this time of the year. The increased violations, as part of the annual summer offensive of the Indian Army, were seen over the past week in Bandala sector of Bhimber district where Indian troops started shelling. Firing was witnessed in Poonch district this week as well. On Monday, the Indian Army completely discarded the ceasefire to target Kotli district. experts note that the unprovoked and unrelenting ceasefire violations from across the dividing line reflect frustration of the Indian Army, which
despite getting the third highest defence budget has yet to win any war against civilians. “It is these budgetary frustrations – ie the failure to translate the budget that they get into any meaningful triumphs – that pushes Indian Army to launch this annual pre-budget summer offensive just a month before the budget announcement in Pakistan,” Lt Gen (retd) Amjad Shoaib said
Defensive Javed Jabbar shows receipt of Sajji that he had at Bolan Restaurant, Karachi in ‘76
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THE DEPENDENT
OrMer caretaker minister Javed Jabbar produced a receipt from the famous Bolan restaurant in Karachi from 1976 to show his decades-long involvement with Balochistan issues in response to criticism at his being appointed to represent the province in the upcoming NFC negotiations. “here, we see here the most Baloch dish possible, from a restaurant with the most Baloch name possible,” said Jabbar. “If that doesn’t validate my right on the council, then I don’t know what will.”“Furthermore, I was also picked up once in a vehicle with
tinted windows back in the day, further making me like one of the Baloch people,” he said passionately. “Of course it was my friend Ahmer’s car and Shahid and Sumera were with him and we were going to a beach party but I didn’t know whose party!” “I feel more than qualified to represent both the Quetta Commissionerate and the Princely States of the Balochistan States Union,” he said, before an aide whispered something in his ear. “What? It’s a province now? When? 1970? Ah, well, I seem to have some reading and catching up to do,” he said to the gathered reporters. “See you all the press conference at the NFC meeting!” g
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while talking to The Dependent. Analyst Moeed Pirzada further stressed that the Indian Army’s offensive directly impacts the financial imbalance in the country. “Indian Army’s aggression pushes budgetary mismatches every year. For instance, civilians ate up more than half the budget in both 2018 and 2019,” Pirzada said.” g
Satire
E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.