C M YK
E R I T SA Sunday, 17 - 23 May, 2020 I Issue 171 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30
Grateful nation asked to be 20% more grateful
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THE DEPENDENT SHUKRIYABAD
he indebted nation has been asked to show a 20 percent increase in the indebtedness for felicitation year 202021. According to the Ministry of happiness and Gratitude another 6,367 billion formal, threedimensional, thank yous would be needed for the felicitation period running from July 2020 to June 2021. The memorandum, submitted
to the Felicitation Division by the happiness Ministry, claims those indebting the nation are feeling a contentment crunch due to devaluation of the felicitation unit and inflation in the price of happiness. It noted that in the current felicitation year, 2019-20, the appreciation had increased by 5 percent. “10 percent ad hoc thankfulness was awarded,” it added. however, as current
circumstances have affected the felicitation space, says the memo, an increase of gratitude “duly approved by chairman joint chiefs of satisfaction committee” has been sought. It says this can be accomplished by merging ad hoc thankfulness from 2016-2019 into the basic gratefulness designated in 2017. “Thereafter, allowing increase in gratitude @20% of revised thankful scales in felicitation year 2020-21.”
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indian army launches annual pre-budget summer offensive THE DEPENDENT
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New Leopard Force to ensure citizens don’t leave markets to guarantee revival of economy
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PAKISTANTODAY
he federal government has launched a new Leopard Force with the purpose of ensuring citizens stay in the markets to ensure citizens do not leave markets and malls in order to guarantee the revival of the economy. “The Leopard Force is going to work as a parallel entity to the Tiger Force but it has a different mission statement and objective,” said information minister Shibli Faraz. “They would appear to be in conflict with each
other, but they are not because ultimately, they are both following the different ideologies of chairman Imran Khan, who wants both these things at the same time.” “Well, not at the same time but at different times of the day or week,” he said. “But it’s still what he wants. I think.” “We are sure we will be able to resolve the problem,” he said, referring to the violent clashes that broke out between the Tiger and Leopard Forces in Lahore. “Yes, the sad loss of those twenty-six lives will always be on our minds, but it was all for a higher cause.” g
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RAWALPINDI
he cowardly Indian Army has once again initiated its annual summer offensive. While the Indian Army’s violations across the Line of Control (LoC), this special offensive is designed to increase the cross-border firing at this time of the year. The increased violations, as part of the annual summer offensive of the Indian Army, were seen over the past week in Bandala sector of Bhimber district where Indian troops started shelling. Firing was witnessed in Poonch district this week as well. On Monday, the Indian Army completely discarded the ceasefire to target Kotli district. experts note that the unprovoked and unrelenting ceasefire violations from across the dividing line reflect frustration of the Indian Army, which
despite getting the third highest defence budget has yet to win any war against civilians. “It is these budgetary frustrations – ie the failure to translate the budget that they get into any meaningful triumphs – that pushes Indian Army to launch this annual pre-budget summer offensive just a month before the budget announcement in Pakistan,” Lt Gen (retd) Amjad Shoaib said
Defensive Javed Jabbar shows receipt of Sajji that he had at Bolan Restaurant, Karachi in ‘76
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THE DEPENDENT
OrMer caretaker minister Javed Jabbar produced a receipt from the famous Bolan restaurant in Karachi from 1976 to show his decades-long involvement with Balochistan issues in response to criticism at his being appointed to represent the province in the upcoming NFC negotiations. “here, we see here the most Baloch dish possible, from a restaurant with the most Baloch name possible,” said Jabbar. “If that doesn’t validate my right on the council, then I don’t know what will.”“Furthermore, I was also picked up once in a vehicle with
tinted windows back in the day, further making me like one of the Baloch people,” he said passionately. “Of course it was my friend Ahmer’s car and Shahid and Sumera were with him and we were going to a beach party but I didn’t know whose party!” “I feel more than qualified to represent both the Quetta Commissionerate and the Princely States of the Balochistan States Union,” he said, before an aide whispered something in his ear. “What? It’s a province now? When? 1970? Ah, well, I seem to have some reading and catching up to do,” he said to the gathered reporters. “See you all the press conference at the NFC meeting!” g
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while talking to The Dependent. Analyst Moeed Pirzada further stressed that the Indian Army’s offensive directly impacts the financial imbalance in the country. “Indian Army’s aggression pushes budgetary mismatches every year. For instance, civilians ate up more than half the budget in both 2018 and 2019,” Pirzada said.” g
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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
C M YK
02 OPINION&EDITORIAL IMAGES OF THE WEEK
Sunday, 17 - 23 May, 2020
E D I TO R I A L
Open the markets!
Who said that? Close them!
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N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T
HE Honourable Supreme Court’s decision to order the markets to remains open shall be remembered fondly. As will it’s subsequent rhetorical question about who gave such an order. Also, the decision by the honourable court three week’s from now, ordering the government to close the markets and impose a curfew. That will also be remembered fondly. Both
the orders will be remembered fondly, also none of them, also one of them, and also the other one.An example of judicial overreach it might be, but the court’s clarity on the issue matches that of the civil government. Still, it’s not an issue of who has a better analysis of how to deal with the challenge at hand. The judiciary does not have the mandate to make executive decisions while the civil government
does, because it is democratically electe.......okay, let the court have its say.In this issue: a grateful nation is asked to be 20% more grateful. The Indian army undertakes its annual orebudget sabre rattling.The Israeli Defence Forces adapt to the new realities. And a new Leopard Force springs into action, to work parallel to and at times, in opposition to - the Tiger Force. g
OPINION
Yes, I did say that New York is going to follow Pakistan’s smart lockdown. Shame on the fact-checkers!
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By New york Guv’Nor
ou know I sort of have my hands full these days. What with covid-19 having infected more than 338,400 people across the state of New York as of Wednesday – also the time of writing. But I absolutely had to engage in an exercise initiated in Pakistan. In fact, the fact that I’m reciprocating and following through with what started off in Pakistan, sort of proves the thesis of the article that I’m going to write. However, I’m still going to go ahead with it, because I’ve learnt how shameless certain people are, and hence require even the most obvious bits to be spelled out. So let’s get this over and done with. I recently saw the video of Pakistan’s Communications Minister, and my dear friend, Murad Saeed saying that the Governor of New York acknowledged Pakistan’s policy as a part of its smart lockdown, and that state of New York is following through with it – he might have called me the governor of New York City, but we all make errors in speech. Now, I’ve been told that the video began doing the rounds on social media and was reported by several news outlets, browsing one of which I came across my friend’s speech. He has also said that the cluster lockdown concept touched upon by Pakistan Prime Minister Imran is being taken forward by his counterpart Boris Johnson in the united Kingdom, which I’m sure the editors of this publication will be covering in this week’s edition [Editor’s Note:
See Page 3] However, what absolutely shocked me is the so-called fact checkers which claimed that they had probed recent press conferences of mine regarding the lockdown in the state and ascertained that the Pakistan Murad’s comments are ‘misleading’. Shame on you fact-checkers! It is truly astounding that those calling themselves ‘fact-checkers’ fail to do the one task that they choose to selfidentify with: checking facts. And since you quite clearly are abysmal at the one job that you choose to take up yourself, let me do you a favour by doing your job for you. Here, in these truly fact-checked and authentic pages of the world’s most prestigious newspaper, The Dependent, I would like to clarify that what my friend Murad said was
absolutely correct. Yes, I did say that New York is going to follow Pakistan’s smart lockdown. Now, some of you might wonder – although, honestly, you really shouldn’t – that if I had actually said this, how did so many factcheckers – as incompetent as they might be – missed it in my press conferences. The answer, dear readers, lies in the fact that I never said it in a press conference, I wrote it in a WhatsApp message to Murad, which I’m reproducing here: “Hey buddy, I looked at the smart lockdown concept implemented by Prime Minister Imran Khan and want to quote that I’m now following Pakistan’s contact tracing and tracking concept.” only if you fact-checkers stopped believing in ‘facts’ that are convenient for you, and dug a little deeper for a change. g
SatIre
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
C MYK
NATIONAL 03
Sunday, 17 - 23 May, 2020
Kakul cadet appointed tiger Force chairman
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uJAhiD ullah, a Pakistan Military Academy (PMA) Kakul freshman cadet of 143 long Course, has been appointed as the chairman of the Prime Minister’s Corona Relief Tiger Force. The newly appointed Special Assistant to Prime Minister on Political Communication Dr Shahbaz Gill on Thursday said that the government has decided to step up the ‘Corona Tigers Relief Force’ with the decision to appoint a PMA cadet to lead it, in order to give enlisted youth volunteers from across the country the leadership and direction needed to help deal with coronavirus relief efforts. “We have a large youth
population in our country which is our asset. Therefore we needed a head figure who is already being trained on how to control assets,” Dr Gill said while addressing the media. The special advisor to the premier added that although such steps have been taken widely throughout institutions and organisations across the country, there was “no guarantee” that it would prove to be enough in the coming weeks. “The government is currently preparing for the ‘worst-case scenario’” he added. Dr Gill further confirmed that the first task of the newly appointed Corona Relief Tiger Force would be to finalise the allocation of the ‘Prime Minister’s Corona Fund’. g
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‘Stay home! But can go out’ – Boris borrows good pal Imran’s speech to announce uneased lockdown
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K Prime Minister Boris Johnson on Sunday announced what government advisors in both Britain and Pakistan are calling ‘uneased lockdown’, keeping in mind the demands of the ongoing covid-19 pandemic. Sources within the uK Conservative Party and the Pakistan Tehrik-e-insaf (PTi) government have confirmed that the recent decisions to both ease and extend the lockdowns in both countries have been taken
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following due consultations between the two premiers Boris Johnson and imran Khan. “if you notice, both Johnson and Khan are asking citizens to stay at home, but also that they can go out. it essentially boils down to a masterful strategy that asks people to stay at home, but not if they can’t, shan’t or won’t,” Johnson’s advisor Dominic Cummings said while talking to The Dependent. Cummings further confirmed
that that PM Johnson’s speech on Sunday was borrowed from PM Khan, underlining the reason behind the similarities in the words and approaches of the two leaders. “Johnson asked his good friend Khan if he could use material from his covid-19 speeches, and the Pakistani premier was happy to help. After all, they’re both following the same science,” he added.. g
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Sunday, 17 - 23 May, 2020
FOREIGN
New Zealand reaping rewards of lessons learned from embarrassing ’92 World Cup semifinal defeat: PM Ardern
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Work-from-home israeli platoon occupies Palestinian secondary school Zoom class
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platoon of social distancing isreali Defence Forces (iDF) platoon occupied a Zoom class of Palestinian middle-school students. “it was a swift operation,” said Captain Roni Numa, of the iDF’s Givati Brigade, stationed inside the Gaza Strip. “We moved in, quickly secured the perimeter and evicted the squatters outside of the math class.” “it took no more than several minutes of our hackers to zero in on the Zoom servers in india and completely evict the squatters,” he said.
hile the entire world battles to save its citizens and economy from the lethal coronavirus, one country, New Zealand, with its single casualty and no new case for weeks, has emerged as a prime example of how to tackle a global pandemic, effectively. its leader, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has credited this success to the important lessons her country learned from their embarrassing defeat to Pakistan in the semifinal of the 1992 Cricket World Cup. “Sure, you could say implementing a strict lockdown while closing borders before any other country in the world, ramping up testing, adopting emerging best practices, data analysis and the use of common sense
helped, but the real meat of the strategy came from the wisdom gained as a result of that thrashing at eden Park, Auckland 22 years ago at the hands of eleven ‘cornered tigers”, commented PM Ardern during a Zoom interview with The Dependent. Prime Minister imran Khan endorsed PM Ardern’s comments, tweeting, “Yeah… i know!” later, the same day, following a cabinet meeting on the coronavirus, Federal Minister for information and Broadcasting Shibli Faraz disclosed that a decision had been taken to bill New Zealand to the tune of $350 million for ‘benefits gained through consultative services provided by Pakistan Cricket Team
under imran Khan’. This would be in addition to the aid for Coronavirus that will be demanded separately, Shibli clarified. The following day during a second government telethon, an elderly Pakistani-origin New Zealander asked a question of PM Khan regarding the country’s significantly higher death toll, number of infections and overall lackluster performance as compared to New Zealand, to which the PM simply smiled and answered, “much to learn, you still have, young padawan”. The exchange was followed by reporters looking confusingly at each other murmuring, “did he just…”, “yoda…” “Star Wars…Really?” . g
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“We will be quickly moving in israeli settlers into this Zoom class and even if the children don’t need this Zoom class, we will make them retake this class in order to hold this territory,” he said. After their eviction, the Palestinian children formed a make-shift classroom under a streetlight sitting in the spatially distanced chalk circles that their teacher Abeeha el Masry had drawn out for them, so she could teach. “Where were we? Yes, logarithms,” she said. g
Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
C M YK
IDEOLOGY 05
Sunday, 17 - 23 May, 2020
National Minority Commission given list of approved religious beliefs
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he federal government on Tuesday issued a list of approved religious beliefs for the national Commission for Minorities. The list was compiled following recommendations from Ministry of Religious Affairs, with the Council of Islamic Ideology (CII) tasked with finalising the beliefs that members of the religious minorities will be allowed to have in the country. Talking to The Dependent, government officials confirm that the decision to issue a formal list of beliefs for the religious minorities was taken after the failure to do so had sparked fierce criticism from Islamists on mainstream and social media
platforms. “We felt it was an important aspect that we missed during the reconstitution of the minorities’ commission, which generated a lot of controversy which could’ve been avoided,” confessed Religious Affairs Minister Pir noorul haq Qadri while talking to The Dependent. Meanwhile, the Council of Islamic Ideology lauded the decision after finalising the list of beliefs, saying that it is important that non-Muslims’ beliefs be in accordance with Islamic ideology. “Just as it is important to define who can and can’t be a Muslim, it is equally important to define who can and can’t be a non-Muslim,” maintained CII Chairman Dr Qibla Ayaz g
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Political engineering SOPs: Govt dissolution cancelled, next party to be promoted on past results
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he Government Selection Committee (GSC) on Thursday extended closure of political engineering organisations in the country and decided to cancel the dissolution of government scheduled to be conducted by the institution in the wake of coronavirus pandemic. After the meeting, GSC Chairman Lt Gen (retd) Asim Saleem Bajwa confirmed the committee had approved closure of all political engineering institutions till July 15. he said that parties would be promoted on the basis of
their past results. Further confirming the past results that would be considered for promotion, Lt Gen (retd) Bajwa said that both the years 2013 and 2018 would be given special consideration. “We are also going to include 2008, and also consider 1977, 1988, 1990, 1993 and 1997. Of course, anything before that is no longer relevant, and 1985 and 2002 were pure paperwork exercises,” he added.
Later talking to The Dependent, Lt Gen (retd) Bajwa said that further decisions will be taken in consultation with stakeholders. “We have already requested the feedback of US officials on elections from 1988 to 1997, while the Chinese government is being approached for review on the 2008-2018 analysis,” he said, adding that the decision on promoting the next party would be taken in the next few months. g
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06 ARTS AND CULTURES
Sunday, 17 - 23 May, 2020
Satire: Leading clothing brand announces 50% discount vouchers for customers who contract coronavirus
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insta accounts @shwqt_ali19, @m_ali_jauhar launch Khilafat Movement to restore Halime Sultan
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he The Khilafat Movement, also known as the Pakistan Muslim Meninist Movement, has been formally launched by Ali brothers, @shwqt_ali19 and @m_ali_jauhar, on Instagram. The Ali brothers are joined in their pan-Islamist protest campaign by other notable Insta leaders @hakajm_jamia and @akazad_4246. The Khilafat Movement has been launched to restore halime Sultan, considered a representative of Muslims. The pan-Islamic force, and an effort to salvage the Sultan as a symbol of unity among the Muslim community, has been initiated in the shape of protests against images uploaded on Sultan’s Insta profile. “Your religion is Islam. You’re free but we are the audience. We hope that we don’t
see more images like that. May Allah restore halima Sultan,” @shwqt_ali19 wrote to Sultan. “Astaghfirullah! You’re attractive but not in this shot. Always remember that millions of Muslim follow you,” commented @m_ali_jauhar. The movement has been bolstered by prominent Muslimaat’s noncooperation movement. however, Insta historians expect it to fall apart. The movement has already been marred by ḥijrat from Instagram India to Pinterest, of about 18,000 Muslim social media accounts, who feel that Instagram is an apostate land. The indifference, nay encouragement, in Turkey over Sultan’s current state, is a major hindrance in the success of the Khilafat Movement.. g
ne of Pakistan’s premier fashion and lifestyle brand announced the launch of its Corona Collection on Saturday. To mark the start of the sale, the brand has announced up to 50% discount vouchers for customers who contract coronavirus. The offer is valid on selected items starting May 9, and will continue till the Corona Collection, or coronavirus infection runs out – whichever happens first. The discount voucher can be availed by the customers during their next visit to the outlet. The percentage of the discount, offered from 1-50 percent, will depend on the extent of the infection.
Customers who contract the virus before May 9 will not be eligible for discount vouchers, however, they can look forward to the Post Corona sale, with exclusive designs catering to a post-Corona Collection world. The brand’s Founder and CeO, said that the overwhelming response to the launch of the Corona Collection this week has made it a great success. “It proves that we are exactly what you need during these uncertain and unprecedented times. And given that it’s a pandemic, engulfing the entire world, we’ll soon announce exclusive
discounts for our global customers as well,” he said. The CeO has further announced that a new impromptu marketing campaign is being launched to further ensure that the Corona collection can be sold nationwide to those who need it the most. “We’re calling the campaign ‘Worth Risking Your Life’. Because it accurately depicts the current mood, and that’s how good the collection is,” the CeO added. Rush to the outlets near you before your favourites run out! Disclaimer: The above piece is a work of satire and does not present itself as the truth. g
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Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.