The Dependent-issue-170

C M YK

E R I T SA Sunday, 10 - 16 May, 2020 I Issue 170 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30

Curve is finally flattening, says PM before realising chart upside down

P

THE DEPENDENT ISLAMABAD

riMe Minister imran Khan announced on wednesday that the CoViD-19 curve was finally flattening.

“We’ve finally managed to flatten the curve so that the public health setup could handle the crisis adequately, proving that our strategy of a smart lockdown has actually worked,” he said, holding

up a chart of the Corona cases in the country. “see, it’s right there. the cases seem to be tapering to a flat line,” he said, while beaming at the press conference full of members of the press. the prime minister’s mood changed quickly, however, when a political aide, saleem Kheshgi, whispered something in his ear.

“oh….i’m sorry, i’d thought… .,” said the pM. “this doesn’t seem to be…..i don’t think…..well, if…i mean that’s one way of looking at it but there’s also another way of looking at it, if you… ..no, i mean.” the press conference then ended. post-script: saleem Kheshgi has been removed from his position in the party amidst rumours of corruption. g

Satire

‘Soon you’ll be told to marginalise my opponents,’ swaggy Shehbaz whispers in NaB officer’s ear THE DEPENDENT

C

Brave Ali Muhammad Khan fearlessly painting accurate picture of state

D

THE DEPENDENT ISLAMABAD

espite allegations over his party and government siding with autocratic forces and clamping down on freedom of expression, Minister of state for parliamentary Affairs Ali Muhammad Khan is fearlessly playing his part in painting what he maintains is an eerily accurate picture of the country. the minister’s expressions, interpreting how he perceives the pakistani state and society, usually come on twitter, where he is seen describing the violent tendencies in the country and accurately

depicting the glorified overtures of the powers-that-be to undermine democracy in pakistan. While talking to the Dependent, the incredibly brave Ali Muhammad Khan, says that he is not afraid of any repercussions. “such is the level of extremism and intolerance in our country that it boils my blood. i consider it my faith to highlight such radicalism. i don’t care what ramifications i have to suffer because of them. i will continue to condemn calls for violence,” he said. the minister further said that even though he is a part of the ruling pakistan tehrik-e-insaf (pti), he maintains that no party is bigger than democracy or parliamentary supremacy. g

Satire

LAHORE

oMpletely discarding the social distancing guidelines that had been placed to curtail covid-19, pakistan Muslim leagueNawaz (pMl-N) president shehbaz sharif bent down close enough to whisper in the year of the officer conducting his interrogation at the National Accountability Bureau (NAB) over an assets case on Monday. sharif, who was at the NAB office for almost two hours, answering queries about suspicious transactions and gifts that he has given to his family members, at the brink of the culmination of the interrogation pulled his chair with swag, slowly bent his head clockwise, and told the NAB officer: “soon you will be told to marginalise my political opponents.” the pMl-N president, who was also asked questions related to the ownership of his vehicle, told the NAB officer with trademark shabang to ‘get ready to ask about others’

cars’. sources privy to the interrogation have informed the Dependent that the pMl-N president was brimming with an aura of confidence, who knew the ‘tide

PTI set to sweep upcoming ECP-conducted board exam evaluations

T

ISLAMABAD

he incumbent pakistan tehrik-e-insaaf is set to sweep the upcoming evaluations in lieu of board exams for classes 9, 10, 11 and 12.

“We feel that the pti is going to sweep not just the federal board but also the local, regional boards,” said Mazher hussein, an islamabad-based political analyst. “our previous stats are also indicating the same,

specially since the exams are going to be conducted this time by the election Commission of pakistan and not the respective Boards of intermediate and secondary education.” “even before the Corona crisis, the exams were set to be conducted by the eCp, with the invigilation done by jawans of the pakistan army,” said hussein. “so the results were expected to be similar, but the Corona crisis pretty much sealed the deal.” g

Satire

was about to change’. “even by his standards, he was too overenthusiastic. But we’re keeping all options open before we get the next set of orders,” a NAB official said.” g

Satire

E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour.

The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C M YK

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL IMAGES OF THE WEEK

Sunday, 10 - 16 May, 2020

E D I TO R I A L

Schrodinger’s lockdown

Heisenberg’s and Pavlov’s as well

w

N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T

HEtHEr or not there is a lockdown in the country depends on when you ask. it depends on whom you ask. it depends on who you are. it also depends on whether you ask or not, because it lends itself to a bit of a Heisenbergian uncertainty. Merely asking the question can change the

answer.

From here on, the science moves from Schrodinger and Heisenberg and moves on to Pavlov.

A mere, benign, even pro-govt question on the status of the lockdown can lead to an automatic response from the government representatives that not only doesn’t answer the question at hand, but is also an accusatory well-what-have-

you-done?in this issue: the prime minister has had trouble reading graphs. that’s what a “pass” degree from Oxford gets you.Experts warn that the Second Wave of Korean Dear Leader is going to be worse.And the universe adjusts to the unprecedented reality of Hamza Abbasi and Shan making sense for a while. g

OPINION Undoing 18th Amendment, a symbol of federal democracy, deserves more than just changes to National Accountability Ordinance – how about taking back all corruption charges?

c

By Khawaja Paragon

ity Consider this Op-Ed the last offer on behalf of the Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz in our months’ long negotiation over the give and take – that both of us know that we will give and you will take. indeed, that also means that by ‘last offer’, i mean a humble plea from your subjects, at the mercy of whatever you will bestow upon us.But i wrote the start of the first line as i did because i’m just too excited about writing for the Dependent.

So i thought, what better way to create even more hype that this space usually does than by engaging in part of such confidential activity on these pages.yes, i thought it would be a good idea if both our representatives, and your representatives, could engage in our negotiations in this space. then i realised that this newspaper is too free to publish your side – not that you would agree to do it anyway. Also, it made me realise that calling what we are engaging in ‘negotiations’ would be the wittiest thing anyone has ever read in a publication – here or otherwise.Even so, despite the amalgamation of emotions running through me, i’m still going to proceed with sharing our side of the story, our next move, in this space.

And i will take this opportunity to ensure that everyone reading this newspaper – which literally is everyone who can read a newspaper – will see where we are coming from.Now the offer originally on the table for us was: shut up and pass the extension bill, and we’ll see what we can do.the offer currently on the table for us is: shut up and undo the 18th Amendment, and we’ll see what we can do.the leading analysts within our party have interpreted ‘we’ll see what we can do’ is letting certain reforms go ahead in the National Accountability Ordinance.

However, some within the party argue that those reforms can’t really be meaningful given that you would want to use them in the future when you ask us to come to power again.

Others argue that even if the whole NAB is changed, you’ll always have something else up your sleeve to

control matters.And then discussion ensued, of which i was an integral part. the debate centered around the one question: is undoing 18th amendment worth certain changes to National Accountability Ordinance?Now as you know we have recently aligned ourselves as this democratic, progressive, antiestablishment [sorry, just talking

about the impression] party. the 18th Amendment, meanwhile, is considered a symbol of federal democracy.Hence, the question that was deliberated over is if we should actually ask for more. How about we ask for complete removal of all corruption charges, at least against the senior party leaders, i myself am among whom, it must be stressed. g

SAtire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C MYK

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT 03

Sunday, 10 - 16 May, 2020

evolved amir now making offensive remarks after death instead of offensive remarks causing death

i

n what is being seen as the latest manifestation of his progressive evolution, Aamir Liaquat Hussain is now making offensive remarks after people’s death. Observers note that this transformation, which has taken place over years, is in stark contrast to his past where he used to make offensive remarks causing people’s death.

Aamir Liaquat Hussain, who over the years has hosted many programs in which an entire sect was declared wajib-ul-qatl prompting murders of the members of the community the very next day, is nowadays saying sorry for making jokes about dead actors.

“How things have changed. A few years ago, I was hosting shows where murder of entire community was being discussed, and now I am

hosting shows which makes stupid jokes about actors dying. The offensiveness has shrunk and the chronology of deaths surrounding my show has reversed,” Aamir Liaquat said while talking to The Dependent.

“This evolution is important, which is why I evolve and re-evolve often in a matter of days. Only recently I was condemning Khalilur-Qamar for his anti-women remarks, when Allah knows few have made sexist remarks more frequently than I have,” he added.

“Even now this evolution that I speak of – the chronology of death – is reversible, if it can be beneficial. In fact, benefits lie at the heart of the evolution to a point that if it’s beneficial enough, I could even evolve into a Darwinist.” g

Satire

If you notice my body language was extremely uncomfortable while mocking Sarfraz’s speech: Adnan Siddiqui

A

CTOr Adnan Siddiqui has apologised to Sarfaraz Ahmed and everyone affected over his insensitive actions, where he was seen mocking the former Pakistan captain, labelling it ‘extremely callous’ to joke about someone’s speech.

The Mere Paas Tum Ho actor turned to Instagram and shared a lengthy post while expressing his regret about being part of the show.

“So I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling right now or what to say. But this need to go out. I was

04

invited on a show when this unfortunate incident happened,” he wrote.

“The actor Adnan Siddiqui – as in me – joked about something extremely sensitive related to Sarfaraz Ahmed. not only is Sarfaraz Ahmed close to me, and to many of his fans, but also as a human it was wrong on so many levels. I cannot even call it ‘hitting below the belt’” he added.

“It was an extremely callous act to joke about the speech. This is in very

bad taste, not only does it show him and me but also the entire country in a bad light.”

Siddiqui, however, maintained that while he didn’t react at the time, his own body language during the episode made his stance clear.

“If you see my body language I was extremely uncomfortable with what I did and that I had stooped to such level,” he said. “I’ve learned a lesson and I promise I will not tolerate such acts of mine in future. g

Satire

Sunday, 10 - 16 May, 2020

NEWS

Sania Nishtar secretly visits welfare centre disguised as Sania Nisthar

I

instead of raising fee, Lums to charge royalty every time alumni say they went to Lums

t

HE much criticised decision by the Lahore University of Management Sciences (Lums) to hike their tuition fees considerably has been taken back after it has decided to cash in on an alternate means of revenue.

“We are going to charge a royalty every time an alumnus of ours says that they went to Lums,” said Vice Chancellor Arshad Ahmed. “The only time they will be exempt from the royalty is when they write it on their CV or when they answer the question in a job interview. In fact, whenever they are, in an organic manner, asked where they went to college, they won’t be charged.”

“But anything other than that, they will

n an extremely proactive step, the Special Assistant to the Prime Minister on Poverty Alleviation and Social Safety Dr Sania nishtar visited a social welfare centre disguised as Special Assistant to the Prime Minister on Poverty Alleviation and Social Safety Dr Sania nishtar.

“It was intended to assess arrangements in terms of quality of services, transparency in payments and

adherence to #COVID19 measures,” she wrote on twitter.

Staff and citizens were surprised to be told that the mild-mannered federal cabinet minister surrounded by the office staffers that they thought was Sania nishtar was, in fact, mild-mannered federal cabinet minister Sania

nishtar, surrounded by office staffers. “never have I seen such transparency,” said an official present at the site. “It was immediately clear who this lady was. Such transparency!”

“May this cutting-edge 1500year-old audit method bear fruit and lead to some 1500-year-old living standards!” g

Satire

have to pay for it,” he said. “Twitter bio, Instagram bio, Snapchat, for **ck’s sake.

They’ll have to pay for it.”

“They’ll also have to pay for it when they drop it randomly in conversation. Even more, if they do so in a supposedly ‘casual’ manner,” he said.

Experts predict that the varsity’s endowment after this step is going to balloon to unprecedented levels.

“Yes, the prediction that we are not going to require the students’ fees at all is a distinct possibility in three years’ time,” said LUMS Director Finance, Seher Zaidi. “But that idea would be in conflict with the sort of students we want in Lums, so we’ll keep charging fees.” g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C M YK

SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY 05

Sunday, 10 - 16 May, 2020

religiously charged army helps Mohammed bin Qasim beat raja Dahir to conquer Sindh twitter

r

OhRi – Over 1,300 years after the same triumph materialised for the same righteous forces on the same territory, another religiously charged army overpowered the infidel troops to conquer the coveted land.

The battle, which saw a religiously charged army help Arab invader Mohammed bin Qasim beat local monarch Raja Dahir in 1,308, this time took place over social media.

According to reliable sources, such was the vigour in bin Qasim’s ideology that it managed to muster tens of thousands in support of the conquest, with a few thousand supporters of Dahir comprehensively defeated. At

one moment as many as 61,000 soldiers of the righteous force were seen pulverising a meagre total of 5,037 infidels.

War historians narrate that it was Dahir who ruled over the territory that was being battled for, with tweets in his favour being shared by the locals in number prompting hashtags in his favour. however, Bin Qasim was then sent by his imperialistic ideologues to capture the territory owing to its geopolitical location on the internet.

Army of trolls and web brigades were in turn deployed to conquer Sindh Twitter. And with the triumph the victors look to impose their worldview on those that they have decisively conquered. g

Satire

Galaxy clusters explode as universe rearranges self after Hamza, Shaan talk sense within same week

S

PACe – The ‘natural order of matter’ was shaken as astronomers studying a distant galaxy cluster say they’ve got a new recordholder for the largest explosion ever witnessed in the universe since the Big Bang.

The scientists claim that the blast, observed over the past week, has come from a supermassive black hole created as part of the universe rearranging itself after dealing with a thrust that has never been seen.

According to sources, this push has come from the planet earth, which hosts two individuals hamza Ali Abbasi and Shaan Shahid, who

came together, defying all odds to, to talk sense within a span of four earth days.

Scientists observing the phenomenon have revealed that the odds of this happening were one in 390 million, which is also the distance in lightyears of the galaxy that witnessed its clusters exploding.

According to sources, the phenomenon was witnessed when Shaan Shahid criticised the Pakistani government for prioritising Turkish dramas over local ones, and hamza

Abbasi admitted that he was wrong to label certain sects non-Muslim.

“We’ve seen outbursts in the centers of galaxies before but this one is really, really massive. And we know why it’s so big,” writes astrophysicist Melanie Roger in The Astrophysical Journal. “it happened because the unlikeliest phenomenon happened. But it happened very slowly, the sense came ever so slowly, like an explosion in slow motion that took place over hundreds of millions of years.” g

Satire

Scientists issue warning over second wave of Kim Jong-un

S

‘NaB used for political engineering,’ say Chaudhry sub-engineers

t

he move comes after Saleem Malik publically apologised for spotfixing and said that the same laws should apply on all foreign and current players.

While approaching the Lahore high Court on Wednesday, challenging the National Accountability Bureau (NAB), Chaudhry sub-engineers described how political engineering works.

“The chairman of the respondent bureau proceeds to authorise investigation on allegations of misuse of authority, assets beyond means and wilful default under National Accountability Ordinance,” the sub-engineers, who are also cousins, said while talking to The Dependent.

The Chaudhrys highlighted that the establishment of NAB, its credibility, partiality and “use for political engineering” had been a matter of heated debate in engineering and

technological circles. hence, they have chosen to describe the basic structural engineering mechanism for the betterment of the engineering and scientific societies.

“Sometimes they would issue the socalled order for the bifurcation of investigations after a lapse of somewhere like 20 years. What is crucial in this engineering process is that it has to be run by the mala fide intention to contain and cage,” noted the subengineers.

“Often, not a single piece of evidence or material is available before the NAB to form an opinion, or to pass an order for authorisation of the investigations,” they added. The sub-engineers further underlined that for chief engineers engaged in political engineering sub-engineers are of critical importance.

“Yes, the chiefs can’t do sh*t without us subbers.”. g

CieNTiSTS have warned that the Kim Jong-un outbreak “could easily resurge” once measures pertaining to premature jubilations over his demise are relaxed. The statement comes after health experts around the world had begun to believe we had already seen the peak of Kim Jong-un.

After a break was witnessed in Kim Jong-un, prompting global media to spread delusion, some scientists have now warned The Dependent that the downward slope of the

Kim Jong-Un brings with it new challenges for governments and populations.

A new study from the University of hong Kong has warned that when the jubilation measures are relaxed a second wave of Kim Jong-un could begin to spread.

Although China, among other countries, has been accused of under-reporting Kim Jong-un, the researchers stated that the governments’ interventions have indeed

“substantially reduced transmissibility of Kim Jongun across the world”.

Dr David Nabarro, the World health Organisation’s special envoy told The Dependent that recovering from the pandemic was “not just a case of removing lockdowns”. “it’s also a case of communities everywhere being ready to be able to spot possible intrusions of Kim Jong-un into their midst,” he said.. g

Satire

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.