The Dependent-issue-169

C M YK

E R I T SA Sunday, 03 - 09 May, 2020 I Issue 169 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30

Leading by example, PM takes extreme safety precautions during pandemic

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THE DEPENDENT

public appearances and not taking the lockdowns seriously, in ostensible defiance of healthcare guidelines issued amidst the covid-19 outbreak.

The premier, this week, led by example yet again by taking extreme safety precautions during the ongoing pandemic, which many believe is the most anyone has done for their safety in the entire country.

“Dekhein Dependent, people just like to criticise me for no reason.

ISLAMABAD

N what can only be described as the latest slap on the collective face of his critics, Prime minister imran Khan has further underlined that he is a true premier who leads by example even during the worst crises.

The prime minister demonstrated this by tackling the critiques of those who condemned him for not wearing facemasks, not maintaining social distance in

Often they aren’t even patient enough to wait for my next move. But if there was ever any doubt, i have yet again silenced those critics who thought i wasn’t taking the crisis seriously,” Pm Khan said while talking exclusively with The Dependent.

“Only an idiot would think i don’t care about health, well-being or sustenance.

But even those idiots would be quiet now watching me show them how much i take my health seriously,” he added. g

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‘Was also asked to protect 18th amendment,’ Kulbhushan reveals in new video THE DEPENDENT

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PM starts campaign to be promoted to Special Advisor to PM

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THE DEPENDENT

rime minister imran Khan has informally commenced a political campaign to be appointed the Special Assistant to the Prime minister (SAPm.) “i believe i am qualified, now, to be able to be able to advise the Prime minister, given how i have been Prime minister for over two years now,” said imran Khan, while speaking at an official function in rawalpindi.”

The decision to commence the campaign to be appointed SAPm has been met with mixed to response from political observers.

“Quite frankly, i don’t think he is ready yet,” said moeed Pirzada, an analyst. “He should stick to being Pm for a couple of more years before even thinking about such a thing.” “i think he should get the position. He hasn’t been found wanting in anything, except in governance itself and having a genuine mandate,” said Fahd Hussain from Dawn.

“And governance, at least could be fixed, theoretically.” “i think he would be an excellent choice,” said mosharraf Zaidi, an islamabad-based political commentator. “i think in his capacity as SAPm, he will restore dignity and order to what was an ever metastasising car wreck of a strategy of governance.”

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FTer having been out of the limelight and the news for a while, a new video of the self-confessed spy of the indian intelligence agency research & Analysis Wing (rAW) Kulbhushan Jadhav has been released. in the video, Jadhav makes new confessions related to the plots of the enemies of the state and how they intended to destablise Pakistan.

“There are so many things that i was asked to do in Pakistan that i could never reveal them in one video, so i make new appearances every now and then,” Jadhav is seen saying in the video set to be released in the coming week, a copy of which is available exclusively with The Dependent.

“Among the things that i was tasked to do, which i have forgot to mention in the past, is the task that was given to me by rAW that required me to protect the 18th Amendment to the Pakistani Constitution,” adds Jadhav. “i was told that the true

patriots and leaders of Pakistan will look to undo it so that the country can flourish, but my job was to stop this patriotic move and push the unpatriotic agenda that the 18th amendment represents,” the rAW spy further confirms.

Shibli gets into random black Vigo to express solidarity with journalists

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ISLAMABAD

eDerAl minister for information and Broadcasting Shibli Faraz hailed, and got into a random black Toyota Hilux 4-by-4 Vigo, on Garden road, islamabad, near the National Press Club, in order to express solidarity with the journalist community on World Press Freedom Day. “On this day, let me tell you that not only this government but also myself, as information minister, stand by the members of the press,” he said, addressing the special function held for the day at the NPC. “There should be no doubt to this effect, in fact, hold on,” he said, taking out his hand to

hail the black Vigo passing by. “Hello!

Hello! Yes, yes, please stop…yes, thank you!”

“There,” the minister said to the assembled journalists while getting into the car, letting only the correspondent for

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Pakistan’s Paper of record to get into the car with him. “if this symbolic act doesn’t show my

solidarity with your community, i don’t know what will.”

“Thank you, my good chaps, you’ve been most accommodating,” he said to the driver and three other occupants of the vehicle as it moved from around the F-6 markaz. “You could circle around and drop us back at the Press Club.” “excuse me, why are you exiting the sector and turning towards the Trails…what’s going on? Where are you taking us?!!”. g

“Oh and i was also asked to keep an eye on who makes fun of the then would-be Chairman of ChinaPakistan economic Corridor Authority and the then would-be Special Advisor to the Prime minister on information.” g

Satire

E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour.

The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMY K

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL IMAGES OF THE WEEK

Sunday, 03 - 09 May, 2020

E D I TO R I A L [ A P P R O V E D ]

World Press Freedom Day [approved]

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N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T

eAr readers, on this auspicious day of World Press Freedom Day, let us rejoice in the freedoms that the Pakistani press enjoys [approved.] the Prime Minister was correct, in fact, when he proclaimed that the Pakistani press enjoys more freedom than the press in the UK and the US. In fact, to make the local press freedom at par with that

of these countries, a case could be made for reducing the level of press freedom here (good.) throughout the year, many journalists in the country undergo many complications, regarding health and otherwise, due to the enormous amount of freedom that they have. So it is for their own good that said freedom should be dialled down several notches.In this issue: the information minister expresses

solidarity with the members of the press by going missing. the prime minister kicks off his campaign to become Special Advisor to the Prime Minister. Special Advisor to the Prime Minister declines to meet the Prime Minister. Maulana tariq Jamil clarifies that he did not single out women in his attack on women.A twice-divorced, vulgar man talks about the correlation between vulgarity, divorce rate. g

OPINION

Invisible forces have stolen my mandate with baseless corruption allegations

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By Angoor AkmAl

orget the issue that I’m going to address in the oped for the time being. Let’s start with the fact that I surely must be one of the most frequent contributors in the Dependent’s op-ed pages if not the most frequent! [editor’s Note: We’re currently collecting data for verification, but yes sounds about right] I mean how cool is that? I am the leading op-ed writer of the leading news publication in the entire world. Who would’ve thought that a few years ago – or ever? And to think where I started to where I am now.

I would like to attribute this success to my family and most of all to my fans – not those that like the other thing that I do, but those who have followed me in this space, and made me the greatest analyst and opinion writer in the entire country.

Now that I put it like this, I am not even sure if the issue at hand is even an issue anymore. After all, I might have had issues in my previous profession – previous life, in fact – but I am succeeding in this new field. After all, I’m now the leading journalist in Pakistan – and the world.

Perhaps, I should then look at my case – or rather the case of the past me – through a journalistic angle. Instead of an individual whining about how they were undone, this will be a journalistic piece highlighting the injustice.

Ladies and gentlemen, this injustice is what has taken place in this country over the past 72 and a half years.

Yes, generations after generations have witnessed the same manoeuvres by the powers that be, using their clout to trample on the will of the people. those in the power corridors, those invisible forces that function from behind their cloak, don’t want the masses to have what they want. they snatch the mandates and they deprive the public, the citizens of the state, their right to decide. And they do this, ever so regularly, with

unsubstantiated, every so flimsy, ever so convenient, allegations of corruption.

Yes, dear ladies and gentlemen, those very invisible forces have stolen my mandate with baseless corruption allegations. Your love, your affection has been pulverised by those with the might. Now we will fight, those of us on the right. these forces are always scared of the love that people show someone. they have nothing against me personally – they just fear me,

because I represent everything that they do not have. they don’t have the fandom. they don’t have truth. they don’t have the popular backing. they don’t have the position on the right side of history.

But I know that you will not stay silent. You will not let them continue the atrocities of the past seven decades. You will rise up and demand that you be given your right. Stand up and be counted, people. Angoor ko izzat do! g

SatIre

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C MYK

VULGARITY 03

Sunday, 3 - 9 May, 2020

‘Didn’t target any gender by singling out dressing and dancing of women’ – tariq Jameel apologises LAHORE

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THE DEPENDENT

enoWned cleric Tariq Jameel has been deservedly lauded for what many are calling an apology for the ages, which is seen in many ways as being unparalleled in time or place. The plaudits for Jameel come after he took to Twitter to issue a detailed apology in a series of tweets.

“Recently i made some comments that i wish to clarify my aim was to point out that SPeCiFiC Women, who dance and wear short clothes, are to blame for our current state. it was meant to be a general remark. i did not targeting any specific gender, by singling out dressing and dancing of women,” Jameel tweeted. “my goal was to remind us all to focus on the dressing and

dancing of the women, not the dressing and dancing alone, or women alone – the two in combination. i am the first to admit as i have taught over the years, that there is no excuse for making any hurtful comments about anyone or making anyone feel uncomfortable – except for women who dance and dress a certain way,” he added.

“For which i sincerely apologize to anyone, who is not a woman who dances or wears short clothes, who may been inadvertently hurt. i pray that Allah accept our good deeds and forgive our shortcomings. #tariqjamil,” he concluded. experts believe the tweet will long be cited as an example on how to take ownership of one’s words and clarify what the apology is for, if one is apologising. g

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‘Vulgarity increasing divorce rate,’ says vulgar divorced man

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iVoRCe rates in the West are increasing owing to the spread of vulgarity, according to a twice-divorced, heavilywesternised man who has spent the vast majority of his adult life engaging in a wide array of activities deemed by conservative sections of the society as vulgar.

This phenomenon being witnessed last Friday was dubbed by psychological and sociological analysts the finest example of selfreflection, in which an individual

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takes complete responsibility for actively participating in an evil that mars the society and the self.

“The man has not only blamed himself for his own divorces, he has also blamed himself for the spread of divorces. This is brutally honest selfreflection,” said Uzma Ahmed, a faculty member of the department of Psychology at Quaid-e-Azam University.

Analysts further maintain that

the man in question also clarified his self-reflection by underlining the divorce rates in the UK. “He drew a clear parallel between low divorce rates before he went to the UK, and the high divorce rates after he left it. With UK being the country where he spent most of his vulgar days, this level of self-reflection is deeply beneficial for the society,” noted Fahad Baig, a professor of sociology at Karachi University. g

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Sunday, 4 - 9 May, 2020

NEWS

Condemnation of whoever is killing civilians in tribal districts should be respectful: Shibli Faraz

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ondemning the stark condemnation of the spate of killings of anti-Taliban and antimilitary politicians, information minister Shibli Faraz said that the condemnation should be phrased appropriately.

“First of all, i think that condemnation should be avoided to begin with, since we are

currently going through a struggle against CoVid-19 and 18th Amendment,” he said, speaking to reporters at a press conference. “But if someone from the area does feel the need to issue some sort of condemnation, it should at least be respectful.” “decent language should be used, specially when talking

about national institutions,” he said. “or national strategic assets.”

“We need to be careful. it’s a slippery slope from,” he said. “Freedom of speech doesn’t mean freedom of speech.” “don’t flog a dead horse,” he concluded. “or call a spade a spade.” g

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Some imran fellow wants to meet you, Pa informs asim Bajwa on first day at work

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PeCiAl Advisor to the Prime minister (SAPm) on information and Broadcasting lt gen (retd) Asim Bajwa was informed by his personal assistant on the former’s first day at the ministry that ‘some imran fellow’ wants to meet him.

“Sir, koi imran Saheb aae hain, aap se milnay,” said Siddiq Baloch, Bajwa’s personal assistant to him at around two o’clock in the afternoon. “Kehtey hain ke nahi time nahi lia lekin aap ko pehley se jaantey hain. Khud ko kuch wazeer waghera batatey hain.”

After an annoyed Bajwa asked his PA whether he lets just about anyone enter the premises, Baloch informed him that though the first impulse was, indeed, to ask him to leave, he still thought it best to ask because the fellow seemed important-ish because he had quite an entourage and convoy of cars.

“Blegh. Tell him i’m not here,” Bajwa said. “lekin unhon ne aap ko daftar aatey huay dekha hai, sir,” Baloch replied.

“Still tell him i’m not here.” g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C M YK Sunday, 3 - 9 May, 2020

WORLD

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Despite third highest defence spending, incompetent indian army yet to win any wars against civilians

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He indian army has once again been thoroughly beaten by its Pakistani counterpart after report confirmed that india has the third highest defence spending – and yet zero wars won over civilians. the latest setback for the indian army has come through the annual report of stockholm international Peace Research institute (siPRi), which revealed india being the country that spends the third highest on defence expenditure.

Leading analysts have highlighted that despite such spending disparity between the indian and Pakistani armies, in addition to the divide in size

of the militaries, the indian army has lost all its wars against civilians over the past seven decades. in a country where the army Chief has to shamefully call upon the defence minister – as depicted in the picture above with Chief of the army staff General Manoj Mukund naravane calling on Defence Minister Rajnath singh – such failures are to be expected, note leading analysts. “seven decades and zero wars won against the actual enemies. if i ever led such an army, i would have long resigned and unveiled the reality of the institute, if i had an ounce of shame,” said former military ruler Pervez Musharraf, who won countless wars against civilians between 1999 and 2008.. g

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Lack of activity pushes ISIS social media team to derive engagement with ‘On This Day’ posts

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He lack of activity, amidst covid-19 lockdowns across the world, has taken its toll on the social media and marketing teams of the global terror outfit isis. according to sources within the terror group, the social media team is now pursuing an active policy of keeping a chronological list of their terror attacks, and other activities on the calendar, from the past five years and sharing them on their social media accounts with the #OnthisDay hashtag.

“When we can’t report a terror attack or prominent incident on any given day, we use the #OnthisDay hashtag for birthdays of current and former isis members. the fact that our bio data is mostly fabricated anyway

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helps with maintaining the content calendar in these troubled times,” an isis social media operator, who goes by the nom de guerre Mujahid al-traffici, said while talking to the Dependent. in multiple interviews, isis social media operators have underlined the economic certainties surrounding the pandemic. the Dependent has learn that majority of the lower level staff have been forced to take pay cuts of have been laid off completely. “Of course, many among the team have been beheaded as part of the isis HR’s downsizing policy. and with everyone knowing how to use social media nowadays these our

tough times for those of us who have worked long in the field,” said one of isis’s digital strategist abu analytics who was part of the social media team that collectively joined the organisation from al Qaeda in the arabian Peninsula (aQaP). there have been growing concerns among the jihad industry over the plummeting quality of social media marketing at isis, with clickbaits becoming the norm. Critics have asked the organisation to reinvent itself online and not resort to gimmicks usually deployed by social media teams of lower level jihadist groups. g

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Sunday, 3 - 9 May, 2020

SPORTS

Akmal, Firdous both claim they’re fit for service

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New all-clean Saleem Malik set to be announced as brand ambassador for Laado Marka Saabun

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akistan’s former test captain saleem Malik is set to be unveiled as the brand ambassador for Laado Marka saabun, signifying his new, clean start, the Dependent has reliably learnt. the move comes after saleem Malik publically apologised for spotfixing and said that the same laws should apply on all foreign and current players.

Malik warned that many players would find themselves in hot water if the findings of inquiries were revealed, following which he was asked to come for his first photoshoot as for Laado Marka saabun set in the backdrop of hot running water, sources have confirmed. sources within the Laado Marka saabun marketing team have confirmed that the

photoshoot will be a part of a campaign entitled ‘Haan, ho jaaye muqaabla!’

Laado Marka saabun management further confirm that they’re waiting for the Pakistan Cricket Board to finally give Malik the green signal before they air their new campaign.

While Malik didn’t confirm the new brand ambassador role, citing legal reasons, in an exclusive interview with the Dependent he said that he’s making a comeback given the changed climate surrounding cricket. “i would’ve apologised a lot sooner and attempted to make the comeback earlier had the likes of Pakistan super League and other lucrative investments surrounding cricket come sooner,” Malik maintained. g

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am fit and ready for service, despite my current and former bosses, coaches, leaders and teammates considering otherwise,” said Pakistan tehrik-e-insaf (Pti) leader Firdous ashiq awan and Pakistan batsman Umar akmal on Monday, while having separate exclusive conversations with the Dependent. “i think i have been overlooked for others simply because of favouritism. some would say realism and the need of the hour, but i say it is clear discrimination. i still have a lot to offer Pakistan,” added the recently replaced special advisor to the Prime Minister awan and recently suspended middle-order batsman for Quetta

Gladiators akmal in their separate interviews.

During the interviews, awan and akmal confessed that their recent performances might not have been the best that they’ve offered in their careers but suggested that they deserve another chance. “not after years, immediately. i deserve another chance now. i agree that i haven’t been in form of late, and i haven’t been able to

deliver the results that my captain asked from me, but that doesn’t mean you completely forget over a decade of performance at the highest level,” said awan who first entered the federal cabinet as Federal Minister for Population Welfare in 2008, and akmal who made his international debut in 2009. “this is completely unjust and unfair,” they added separately. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.