The Dependent-issue-165

C M YK

E R I T SA Sunday, 05 - 11 April, 2020 I Issue 165 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30

Govt decides to reopen construction sector to sustain economy, COVID-19 THE DEPENDENT

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rime minister imran Khan on Friday announced his plan on Friday to restart the construction sector in an effort to sustain both the economy and the COViD-19 virus. “i think in the slowdown caused by the Coronavirus, we

have to take efforts that will make sure that the economy and the Coronavirus do not tank,” he said, addressing a press conference at the Pm House, islamabad.

“To this end, we have come up with a stimulus package for the construction sector which will be

instrumental in spreading economic activity and coronavirus in the country,” he said. “it’s a tightrope walk, basically,” he said. “Trying to balance fighting the spread of the coronavirus with the need to spread the coronavirus, but we think we would be able to manage with this initiative.”

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“Cash transfer to millions of economically vulnerable through the nation’s 165 million phone subscribers and through the biSP to those who don’t have phone connections might, yes, cost less than our stimulus package but in that option, we run the risk of shutting down the virus altogether, which i can’t have on my conscience.” g

Outsider emerges as surprise contender for Democratic nomination in US

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Scared Covid-19 hiding inside PML-N’s healthcare statistics to save itself from Shehbaz Shari

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LAHORE

rembling with fear, knowing that its days are numbered now the Pakistan muslim leaguenawaz (Pml-n) President and former Chief minister of Punjab, Shehbaz Sharif, has returned with the sole purpose of its elimination, a scarred-stiff Covid-19 was last seen crawling inside the store room of the Pml-n’s headquarter in lahore. multiple eyewitnesses have informed The Dependent that Covid-19 was seen hiding inside a large trunk of books, files and documents, which have data pertaining to healthcare statistics under the provincial and federal rules of the Pml-n. inquiring about the exact

location of Covid-19, The Dependent’s investigative team learnt that it had crept between pages 18-19 of a book entitled, Healthcare in Punjab under Pml-n government 2013-2018. “it might be fearing for its life, but Covid-19 is smart in terms of its choice of hiding. i can assure you that Shehbaz Sharif is never going to look there,” said Dengue infection, while talking to The Dependent, confessing that it had been following Covid-19 for pointers. The Dependent’s investigations further reveal that following Shehbaz Sharif’s arrival Covid-19 had first gone to model Town’s H-96 – Sharif’s residence – and hid itself inside the original, yet to be traced, contractual agreements of the Ashiana Housing Scheme. g

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WASHINGTON

inCe winning a majority of delegates in South Carolina on Super Tuesday, former Vice President Joe biden has been anointed the likely Democratic nominee for the 2020 Presidential elections. last week, however, an unlikely challenger emerged. murad Ali Shah, currently the chief minister of Sindh province in Pakistan, has been lauded in the international media. based on his foresight during the early days of COViD19 spread, he has emerged as a leader of international stature.

According to sources within the biden camp, Joe biden had initially toyed with the idea of offering Shah the Vice President position. “but he’s not a black female so that was a hindrance,” clarified an aide in-charge of the biden election campaign.

Shah has been gathering support among key democratic groups

and is expected to announce a run soon. in what was initially perceived a two-horse race between Joe biden and bernie Sanders to win 1,991 out of the total of 3,979 delegates, Shah has emerged as a surprising contender. many believe that if the Democratic Party wants to topple the reelection bid of US President Donald Trump,

Nations trolls come together to airdrop fresh memes over areas with low connectivity

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n a moment of national solidarity, the nation’s online trolls are going city to city airdropping top quality, dank memes to make sure that poor internet connectivity is never a reason for people not to see memes.

The initiative was started after trolls around the country began to feel that their reach, likes, angry reacts and especially comments saying “shame on admin” had decreased

drastically over the past couple of weeks.

“This was completely unexpected, we had thought that with this much time on their hands, people would be more interested in our memes but the reaction was the exact opposite” said muhammad Tariq Cheema, the newly appointed Chairman of the national Association of Trolls (nAT),

and admin of the Facebook page ‘ganju gang Patwaris and baby bhuttos.

“We soon realised, however, that the problem was that a lot of people were having internet difficulties because of the added load with so many people at hom” he went on to tell us. “because of this, we decided to come together and help those most in need, and airdrop

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murad Shah might be their best bet. “biden is 811 delegates away [from the Democratic nomination], while Sanders is 1,128 away. Shah, technically and mathematically 1,991 delegates away, would need an arithmetic rigging at this point to get the nomination,” said political analyst Andrew napolitano. g

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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour.

The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C M YK

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL IMAGES OF THE WEEK

Sunday, 05 - 11 April, 2020

E D I TO R I A L

Sixteen and counting ...those have been the days in quarantine

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e’re more than a fortnight in the quarantine, dear readers and time spent therein has been most productive. During the course of our self-isolated study, we have been more productive than we have been in years.Take, for instance, the humble Tuc biscuit.

Did you know it has twenty-six holes in each of these crackers? We know, because we counted.

Speaking of twenty-six,

remember the patriotic pop-ditty Dil Dil Pakistan, which is the closest thing we as a nation have to a second national anthem? The word Dil is repeated twenty-six times as well. a coincidence? We don’t think so.

LU biscuits have been subliminally patriotic all these years and we didn’t even know.Our intellectual pursuits don’t stop at the quantitative. We’ve been wondering about what a silly name Rahimyar Khan is. It doesn’t make

any sense. how is it the name of a place? Dera Ghazi Khan and Dera Ismail Khan make sense, because they have the word Dera in front.

But Rahimyar Khan is just the name of some man. That doesn’t make any sense. also, Layyah, Mailsi and Pabbi could, yes, be the names of places but they just sound really, really weird. Phonetically. also the word chamkadarr is really weird.These are the thoughts we have been having in these days of quarantine. g

OPINION

You are welcome

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By Bhai

have always believed in outof-the-box thinking, goal-oriented work and a relaxed work environment for myself and my workers.

People have addressed me with different names over the years and criticised me for some policies, but let it be on the record that it was I, who pioneered the idea of working from home, and indeed social distancing.

People accused me of creating restlessness in Karachi, but no one understood my vision. This is because while everyone is usually stuck in the present, leaders like me always see the future. Before explaining my visionary ideas and steps, let me give, aik pappi idhar, aik pappi udhar, to all my readers – even if virtual pappis.

People criticised me for volatility in Karachi, but no one understood that in successfully perceiving the future, I figured out that rush, public gatherings and people on road will be a huge hazard for Pakistan – and indeed for the whole world. hence, I slowly started to reduce them.

Well sometimes the pace was increased in taking out the spreaders – pun of course intended, like everything Bhai does. But above all, locking down the whole city in a matter of minutes was critical, because I knew this is the only way to ensure the survival of humankind.

I kept my people safe and sound in their homes. I believed that deserted streets and city is what will keep us alive. But no one – absolutely no one – listened to me. everyone just started blaming me, targeting me, condemning me.

Furthermore, let’s not forget that an even bigger challenge lies in store for us younger generation: climate change. Locked down cities ensure less pollution and garbage on the roads. Yes, my policies also were designed to save our environment. But no, you only care when some little angrez girl says something on it. and about working from home, I introduced the idea in early 90s, because I knew, you can handle everything from home. It was a simple method and minimalistic approach, through which you can save thousands of rupees in rent, bills and transport.

I just used to send small notices to the people with whom I had some work. Sometimes, just for their security, I used to send a small bullet with that note – again, just for their safety. The task was done, as simple as that.

I also made work simple for my employees, as they did not have to carry briefcases, laptops, bags or anything, because I am a very health conscious employer. I resolved the issue by just asking them to carry a simple

sack – no matter its make, brand or former use. They just had to carry that on their bikes, and that is it.

Now, you all must understand, it was not some Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg, who introduced simple dress code at work places, it was I. I never asked my employees about their clothes, their appearance because I believed in work.

But no one understood me. Now, tell me, who was right all along?

You’re welcome. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C MYK

CORONICLES 03 ‘Good particles who have been wronged’ – hamza ali abbasi defends coronavirus

Sunday, 05 - 11 April, 2020

h Progressive man participating in household chores by taking 25% cut in parathas wife cooks for hi

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SOMEWHERE AROUND YOU

man who believes in gender equality and isn’t afraid to practice what he preaches has been voluntarily participating in household chores during the lockdown. ahmed, 39, who selfidentifies as progressive, among other heartwarming labels, on Friday announced a 25% cut, throughout the work-from-home period, in the parathas that his wife has to cook for him, so as to give her a hand in the household work.

“Look, I just ask for a prebreakfast – to warm up my stomach – then a really simple breakfast with three parathas – I usually eat

four, but I’m taking a 25% cut during the lockdown,” ahmed said while addressing a post-breakfast press conference organised by his family to celebrate his progressive ideals.

“I also just had three fried eggs – also a 25% cut – some jam, reheated raat waala saalan, half a naan, tea and then some sliced fruits after the breakfast,” ahmed added. “I am a very helping and supportive husband and never burden my wife at all. Like, I totally moved my breakfast utensils right in front of me – five inches to the left on the table,” he said gesturing with his right hand to show how he successfully completed this exemplary task. “I have always been

very supportive of my wife, but even more so given the current lockdown. I just ask for a five-time meal, tea around 12 times, some dry fruits, and around three glasses of milkshake – all constitute significant cuts, because I believe in equality,” he added beaming with pride.

“I always help my wife. Like one time – I think sometime last week, I actually don’t keep a record because that sort of defeats the purpose – I even took my breakfast plates all the way to the kitchen, where she was washing them,” ahmed concluded, while asking her wife for the 4th of his self-allotted quota of 12 cups of tea. g

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ISLAMABAD

amza ali abbasi is the first celebrity, human, and living creature to defend popular viral infection COVID-19, after multiple video trended on social media of people, authorities, countries and the entire world bullying the particles of the virus.

The coronavirus, or COVID-19, has been declared a pandemic by the World Health Organisation (WHO), with global attention dedicated to its elimination.

The actor-turned-whatever-hefeels-like-on-a-given-day abbasi, who is known for giving opinions that no one has asked of him, specialising among these in those that he isn’t qualified for, took it upon himself to give his two cents about the situation, defending the virus. “absolutely disgusted by the behaviour of global authorities and media who in this time of crisis are creating

chaos and making false accusations. These are good particles who have been wronged,” wrote abbasi on his Facebook page. abbasi revealed that he has met coronavirus, albeit via video call, and said that the world would feel differently if they similarly connected with particles of the viral infection.

“During our meeting, coronavirus clarified the allegations of irresponsibly spreading the infection. COVID-19 is one of the nicest, most polite, viruses I have met. It promotes tolerance and humanity.

It is also, unfortunately, the most misunderstood virus in Pakistan right now,” he added. g

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But they don’t detect bombs either, says CAA in response to allegations bomb detectors being used as thermometers at airports

Pakistan’s response to COViD-19 best in world, white woman on Fiverr.com ready to say

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akIsTan’s response to the Coronavirus pandemic is among the best in the world, a white woman on Fiverr.com is ready to say.

“We’re not just talking about the medical/paramedical community but also the public health administration,” said Cynthia White, a white woman available for on-camera testimonials and also copywriting for such testimonials. “and, of course the respective provincial governments showed resilience

and clarity of thought,” said White, reading off the pointer briefs. “Other than the seeend…sayind…no, sorry, sinned, is that how you, yeah, other than the sinned province.”

“But all of this was basically made possible due to the effort of the Pakistan armed forces,” she said. “Yes, I know, this one with a punch.” White went on to clarify that this was not just an oncamera testimonial but copyrighting off the brief pointers given so, it’s a non-negotiable $ 50. “Okay, $40, final,” she concluded. g

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n response to the outrage over bomb detectors being used as thermometers, the Civil aviation authority issued the statement that the said detectors were as effective at recording the temperature as they were at detecting bombs.

“This is an overreaction,” said saira Fazal, spokesperson at the Civil aviation authority. “The detectors are still in very good condition and are as effective as they were.” “a a time when the nation should be coming together to fight the threat of coronavirus together, certain vested elements come together to discredit the Caa,” she said.

“This time, these journalists are on the payroll of the thermometer industry,” she concluded.

Satire industry.” g

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

“Previously, these journalists were on the payroll of the actual bomb detector

C M YK Sunday, 05 - 11 April, 2020

LIFESTYLE

05

after chicken fillet from fish, Sharmila Faruqi to show how to carve democratic party from dynasty

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KARACHI

akiStan People’s Party (PPP) leader and former advisor to the chief Minister of Sindh, Sharmila Farooqi has successfully taken to instagram to document life in quarantine. after her latest video, in which she is giving cooking advice, went viral, she has decided to make another similarly informative video. after successfully relaying how to make chicken fillet from red snapper, Faruqi’s next video will see her unveil the process of carving out a democratic party from a dynasty, she revealed while talking to the Dependent in an exclusive interview, while shooting the video. “it’s extremely easy, you can make it at home,” she says about the creation of the democratic party at the start of the video.

“today we are making a democratic party, which will be carved out from a dynasty. Here i have the surname of the dynasty’s founder, which will be used to carve out, cook up and serve the party,” he adds. towards the end of the clip, Faruqi starts to refer to the democratic party as dynastic party. among other things, she also talks about repeatedly cutting the sar-pair (head and feet) of the party. g

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‘How big a loser are you to waste 30 minutes of your life on me,’ Shehzad burns Pietersen

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LAHORE

FteR Pakistan batsman ahmed Shehzad’s live chat on instagram with kevin Pietersen went viral on social media owing to the former england cricketer grilling the Quetta gladiators batsman for his poor performance, the opener has responded with a burning reply. the original live session was interpreted by viewers as having quickly turned into an

embarrassing occasion for Shehzad, as Pietersen was seen mocking him for making excuses for his batting failures as well as his hairstyle, as a result the Pakistani opener has come up with the perfect response. “in times of a global crisis, even if it was all about a fun chat between two good friends, how big a loser are you to waste 30 minutes of your life on me,” Shehzad tweeted to Pietersen.

Pietersen agreed with Shehzad as he thought that even though the duo had a fun interaction and treated each other like when they were teammates at Quetta gladiators, it was still a waste of time for him.

“Buddy, we had a fun laugh yesterday and treated each other like we were in the dressing room. D***heads will point out the time that was spent on it,” Pietersen tweeted in his reply to Shehzad. g

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06 SOCIETY

‘New camera purchased for charity not part of donation goods,’ insta-philanthropist clarifies captio WHERE THE VIRTUAL AND REAL MEETS

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eacting timely so as to ward off the needless confusion surrounding his purchase of a new DSLR Mark-iii canon, generous instaphilanthropist Usman ali clarified that the camera was not actually a part of donation goods. the clarification came after one of the images he shared on his instagram account was captioned ‘bought new DSLR Mark-iii for donation’.

While talking to the Dependent, Shah said that before the caption misguides anyone he wants to address the misconceptions. “i did not buy the new DSLR Mark-iii canon camera to donate. it

is for taking pictures when i am helping the poor people,” he said. the insta-philanthropist further told the Dependent that because he loves to help the poor, he wants to record his help so that he can cherish it later. “You know, i do not like to show off what i do for these poor people, but the issue was that my iPhone 11 Pro was not taking as awesome pictures of me donating the goods – images are for personal use only, of course. i had to take this hard decision of buying a new DSLR,” he said, adding he has also hired a professional photographer for taking pictures. “i want clarity in my life and always follow transparency in my donations, hence, this state-of-theart camera,” Shah added. g

Satire

Sunday, 05 - 11 April, 2020

Fired workers from my organisation during pandemic to make documentary on their plight: Sharmeen

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KARACHI

n what appears to be the making of yet another academy award triumph, non–profit organisation the citizens archive of Pakistan (caP) has fired around a dozen of its employees amidst the covid19 pandemic. in a series of tweets, one of the laid off employees, Raza gilani, alleged that he and twelve other employees were fired. gillani alleged that despite their right to serve a one-month notice, as per employment contract, they were fired ‘with immediate effect’.

Following backlash on social media, Oscar-winner Sharmeen Obaid chinoy, the patron-in-chief, former president and founding member of caP, revealed that the decision to violate Sindh government’s directives, and basic consideration for worker – and human – rights, was taken so as to underline the plight of those being laid off. “as usual, when it comes to me, an unnecessary controversy has been created. the workers from caP have been fired, so that i can make a

documentary on the plight of workers being fired – especially in Pakistan, where there are so many other problems as well,” said Sharmeen Obaidchinoy, while talking to the Dependent. the academy award winning filmmaker further revealed that the caP’s decision to pay the fired employees a month’s salary

following social media backlash was also taken keeping the upcoming documentary in mind.

“We’ve told them to consider it the payment for their names and lives being used to make what in all honesty is a nailed-on Oscarworthy story, given the global attention on covid-19,” the filmmaker added. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.