C M YK
E R I T SA Sunday, 29 - 04 April, 2020 I Issue 164 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30
Federal govt awaiting fatwa that allows it to save human lives
P
ISLAMABAD
reSiDenT arif alvi urged islamic scholars to take urgent action and issue a fatwa allowing federal government to curb the spread of coronavirus in pakistan. The president made the request after grand imam Shaikh of Jamia al azhar and
Supreme Council in egypt issued a fatwa regarding the matter, saying that it is okay for the government to save human lives, especially in the middle of a health crisis. president alvi, who has approached the scholars for guidance, said the religious scholars should act urgently
given that a pandemic has been declared, with over 1,200 already affected in pakistan. The president on Thursday held a video conference with ulema from various schools of thought to discuss the situation and sought their cooperation to allow the
Satire
government to save the masses. “More than 80 Ulema joined this meeting. it was decided that saving human lives isn’t the number one priority, but govt in this crisis can ask the number of deaths due to negligence to be limited even to a handful. a consensus like this is far better than unilateral action,” tweeted president alvi on
Thursday. The president has also requested the ulema that if they can’t give the
government full authority to save lives, they should at least allow the government to save the government. g
Govt dissolved after ban on unnecessary gatherings
a
Ban on religious congregation against religion, says ‘community leader’ that is clearly COVID-19 wearing fake glasses and moustache
S
peaking to reporters in its first ever press conference, ‘Chaudhry Sagheer ahmed’, who identified himself as a ‘community leader’, said that the ban on religious congregations shouldn’t be imposed. “it is extremely distressing that such blasphemous (and violative of human rights) steps are even being seriously considered,” said ahmed, who was quite clearly the COViD-19 virus wearing fake glasses and moustache. “Yes, some countries have taken this step, but should we ape anything and everything the west – or east – does?”
The ‘community leader’ wanted to speak first at the meeting organised by the federal government was got its wish as everyone but information minister Firdous ashiq awan and special advisor Moeed Yusuf remained on the stage, perplexed by the fright of the other attendants. Meanwhile, the nation’s community of clerics has welcomed the statement. “This fellow, i hadn’t heard of him before, sounds like a Man of Faith,” said Maulana noorani Chisthi Haider. “a couple of more like him, and we can be certain, nothing can harm our faith.” g
Satire
ISLAMABAD
S pakistan continues to observe partial lockdown to counter the coronavirus pandemic, with unnecessary movements remaining halted across the country, the government has also decided to dissolve itself. The decision goes with the orders issued to ban unnecessary gatherings. according to sources, the summary of the decision has been prepared and will be presented before the federal cabinet in the next session, which will not take place since the cabinet and the parliament have naturally been dissolved. pakistan army and security officials have been deployed in this regard and cases are being lodged against those who are violating the lockdown. inter and intra party movement has been banned, whereas all small and big markets for horse
trading have been closed. experts have lauded the move, praising the government for taking prompt action to disband a gathering that is neither needed nor helpful given the ongoing crisis. “government by definition
Hoarding of dog feces starts after health ministry typo says dog feces might fight COVID-19
f
igHTS broke out all across pakistan over attempts by citizens to hoard dog feces after a typographical error in a Ministry of Health tweet gave the impression that said feces are effective in fighting the Coronavirus. “Yes, i know i should be responsible and save some of this stuff for others,” said Saleem Bhatti,
a resident of Lahore, while scooping up some of the waste left by a stray dog. “But i also need to watch out for myself.” plus, its price might go up and well, the market’s the market,” said the LUMS-educated insurance executive. at least three people have been killed and a reported 26 are injured in
scuffles that broke out across the country over the feces. “it’s not true, i had made an error,” said Mubasher goraya, the health ministry social media executive who had made the typo, when contacted by The Dependent. “Then why am i also buying dogshit, you ask,” he said. “i have absolutely no idea.” g
Satire
is a group of people with the authority to govern a country or state. in that regard, this any elected government has been an unnecessary gathering for a while now,” said Defence analyst Lt gen (retd) amjad Shoaib while talking to The Dependent. g
Satire
E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
02 TD_Layout 1 3/27/2020 11:02 PM Page 1
C M YK
02 OPINION&EDITORIAL IMAGES OF THE WEEK
Sunday, 29 - 04 April, 2020
E D I TO R I A L
Right direction Abbasi’s arrest proves govt serious about COVID-19
I
T had been a long time coming but finally the government has managed to inspire some confidence regarding its effort agains the Coronavirus. It issued non-bailable arrest warrants against former prime minister Shahid Khaqan Abbasi. This publication has been, in the past, been critical of the
leadership skills of prime minister Imran Khan but moments like these show he is indeed a man of substance. His intellect and ability to focus on what is important is what can save us in these troublesome times. A mea culpa, readers. We are in good hands. In this issue: the
government requires a fatwa from the ulema about whether it should be allowed to save people’s lives. A complex theological question, this. Will they be able to thrash out a solution? Hoarding of dog shit starts after a health ministry typographical error in a tweet implied that said canine feces can fight the Coronavirus. g
OPINION
Now I know how corona bites. Chaudhry Nisar told me By Cute Minister of PunjaB
p
N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T
eople are mean, very mean. They will taunt you, target you and make whole news over a single, simple, innocent,
question. So, what happened was, I was chairing a meeting on coronavirus and at the end I simply asked, like how does it work? Does it bite? And the media made fun of me. It was hard for me to face this humiliation. even my close friends and class fellows at oxford made fun of me. But you know what, you dhadho *****s, now I know, how it bites. I know, how corona bites and what it does with the bite, and where it goes after biting you. Now, some of you might be wondering how I came to know. You might be expecting that as I unveil the mystery, I will be mean like you. But I won’t be mean, unlike you morons. After the meeting in question I called my best Chaudhry Fawad. Yes, we are friends – no, you shut up! I called Fawad and we decided to meet, along with another one of our very close friends, Chaudhry Nisar. oops, plot twist – drum roll. We all decided to meet through Skype, because safety first. During the meeting Fawad told me how it all works, how it bites, where did it come from, where did it go, where did it come from, yeh corona hai jo. Believe me, it is groundbreaking information. After Fawad’s briefing, my big bro Nisar said he will tell me how to share the news with media and general public. So, Nisar started his bit with how he has sacrificed for Muslim league-Nawaz and Mian Nawaz Sharif, which we feel was not relevant but still we let him speak, you know, respect – something all of you could learn a bit of. After about 10 hours and 19 minutes, he came to the method of sharing the news with media. He said, “I am telling you, how you should tell them all.” He said ‘telling’ means sharing the news, with the media, who are present there and who are listening on the
TV. He said, “You just have to tell them that I am sharing this information with you, which is very important and how it will change everybody’s life and how it will make you a great leader.” I was all ears, fully focused. Then he said that the method is to tell them that this information is vital, specific and you will talk right to the point. He maintained that I should be straightforward, without any hesitation and without wasting
anyone’s time. Nisar directed me not to beat about the bush and just discuss the elephant in the room – because that is the only way. Just a quick update, Nisar is still narrating the method with regards to sharing this news with you guys. It has only been 23 hours, 46 minutes, and 23 seconds as of the deadline that has been given to me by the editors at The Dependent. Hopefully, I’ll soon be able to share it with you. g
SatIRe
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
C MYK
SUCH A B 03
Sunday, 29 - 04 April, 2020
Maria B launches ‘Mera Piya Ghar aaya’ khaki collection
f
LAHORE
ashion mogul Maria Butt, aka Maria B, launched her latest lawn collection on Friday, entitled ‘Mera Piya Ghar aya’ – a tribute to her husband who successfully initiated a revolution against the oppressive forces, on behalf of the entire demographic that the couple belongs to. Channeling the trademark charm, grace and superficiality, Maria B’s latest collection was conspicuous in its use of the khaki colour throughout, harmonising the grandeur and elegance of the liberators of the nation – and of her husband. along with the clothing range, the military and war
themed jewellery was also a fitting tribute. Maria B further announced a range of matching boots that will go with the ‘Mera Piya Ghar aaya’ collection. Further describing her collection, while talking to The Dependent, Maria B said: “it’s ready-to-go lawn, which offers 10 designs in khaki variations. The 30 new prints exhibit some of our best stitched and unstitched fabrications,” she said. Maria B expressed hope that the latest collection catches on, and will actively participate in its spread. “We know what catches on, and how to spread it. and we’re confident that this tribute only needs one push, and will infectiously spread throughout the country,” she maintained. g
Satire
Haha, it was all just a social experiment, sillies, says nervous Maria B
a
nervous Maria B has revealed in a latest online video press conference that the recent episode involving the arrest of her husband by the Punjab Police did
not, in fact, take place, and it was actually a social experiment. “Do you think i’d be this inhuman, guys? That i would let my cook, who serves us every day, go on a bus back to his
Satire
hometown on a bus, all the while infecting everyone along the way,” she asked, while nervously giggling. “haha, no, of course, not.” “This was all just a social experiment. it was meant to highlight, a) that you shouldn’t do such a thing and b) that the elite aren’t entitled to different treatment for violating certain rules that there is clarity about,” she said. “This whole enactment was so convincing that it seems to have fooled everyone, including the Punjab Police and our chef himself,” she said. “it was all just an act, you dum-dums,” she said. “how difficult is that to believe?” “seriously, is it difficult to believe, or do we have to try something else?” g
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
C M YK Sunday, 29 - 04 April, 2020
SUPERNATURAL
05
Unaired bit from tariq Jamil’s arY appearance sees him describe pM as voluptuous, curvaceous hoor
r
LAHORE
ENOWNED cleric Tariq Jamil was invited on arY on sunday where he offered prayers amidst the COViD19 pandemic. Jamil’s appearance on the show hosted by Waseem Badami also saw him back Prime Minister imran Khan amidst the criticism he has been getting in recent days with regards to his inaction over the spread of coronavirus. While the show was widely viewed and garnered high ratings, The Dependent has learnt that a twominute footage from within the show wasn’t aired. The footage, available exclusively with The Dependent, sees Jamil describe PM Khan as a ‘voluptuous hoor’. “Voluptuous, curvaceous, a sight
unlike that you have ever seen – a sight that no one can imagine, let alone experience with his eyes,” Jamil is seen saying in part of the video. “How can i tell you just how beautiful? How can i? Trust me. The smile, oye hoye hoye hoye – it’s to die for,” he added. “With most beautiful faces, even the most beautiful faces, the beauty is limited and stops at one time. But in this case, the beauty is never ending and evolving. “Once you see this face you’ll find it unbelievably beautiful, when you see it again it will be 70 times more beautiful, and then when you see it again, it will be another 70 times more beautiful – so the attraction will continue. i have been looking for 40 years and haven’t been able to look anywhere else. g
Satire
Infected Third Jinn of Bushra Bibi transmits COVID-19 to supernatural world
T
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION
HErE is panic inside the Prime Minister’s house these days, sources revealed to this scribe in a Telegram message. Bushra Bibi’s favourite Jinn, also known as her Third Jinn, has been seen having dry cough, fever and body aches for the last few days. Testing done at the National institute of Health in Jhanda Chichi revealed that he had contracted COViD-19. This is
06
the first reported instance in the world of a jinn contracting COViD19. With the case underlining the transmission of COViD-19 from the human to the supernatural world, the World Health Organisation (WHO) has dispatched experts to investigate it further. The Third Jinn has been quarantined for 14 days. First lady Bushra Bibi is said to be in
a state of shock and has ordered a ton of garlic and sage to disinfect the house immediately. supernatural sources within the PM’s house maintain that the Third Jinn of the first lady is her favourite. The Jinn was previously in news last year when it publically called out Vanity Fair’s profile of Prime Minister imran Khan as ‘riddled with factual errors’. The profile had claimed that Bushra Bibi only has two jinns. g
Satire
Sunday, 29 - 04 April, 2020
SPORTS
Postponed Tokyo Olympics to include contactless sport Chiri Uri
A
TOKYA/LAUSANNE
pSG sign deep-lying playmaker to bolster Champions League bid
p
PARIS
aris saint-Germain have announced the signing of deep-lying playmaker, and diverse attacker, aamir Liaquat on a five-year contract. The Ligue 1 champions made the announcement on Tuesday. “We are delighted to announce @aamirLiaquat, the 48-year-old personal attacker and deep liar, has signed a five year contract with @PsG_English!” tweeted the official PsG English language handle. The renowned player, who can play as a televangelist, scholar, comedian, actor and politician, on either left or right wing – or even down the middle – depending on opportunism, has joined the
Parisians in a €0 million deal. aamir Liaquat has spent the previous two seasons with PTi, making 148 TV appearances and contributing 43 goals and 38 assists in all competitions. He was especially productive in 2018, helping his team ensure an important win in Karachi. Liaquat has also played for big names such as MQM, Geo, arY and Bol. Experts believe that Liaquat’s move to PsG will help the side’s bid to win the UEFa Champions League. superstars Kylian Mbappe and Neymar Jr have welcomed the move. “i’m just happy that i’m not the only high profile play-actor at PsG anymore,” said Neymar Jr while talking to The Dependent. g
Satire
FTEr confirming the postponed of this year’s Tokyo Olympics to 2021, the international Olympic Committee (iOC) has further decided to headline the event with the inclusion of popular south asian sport ‘Chiri Uri’. in a statement, iOC said the decision was taken keeping in mind the aftereffects of the coronavirus pandemic. The committee maintained that Chiri Uri’s contactless nature ensured that it is given prominence. The iOC further underlined that, should there come such a need, it is also the only sport which can be played worldwide through video link. “The game has given us new perspective of sports, because it can be played across the globe without any athlete leaving their home,” iOC President Thomas Bach said while talking to The Dependent. The committee dubbed the sport ‘truly astonishing’ and a ‘game-changer’, calling it “safe, secure and in accordance with
social distancing policies.” The news has bolstered the chance for Pakistan to win its first Olympic Gold Medal since 1984, given Chiri Uri’s local roots. “We have been playing it since childhood, and it is we who shared the idea with the iOC,” revealed Pakistan Olympic association (POa) President Lt General (retd) Lt General (retd), syed arif
Hasan, wihle talking to The Dependent. The POa has further revealed that the idea has been welcomed by other countries. “We will be arranging online classes for the training of athletes across the world. and we are confident that Pakistan will win the Gold Medal,” Lt Gen (retd) syed arif Hasan added. g
Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.