The Dependent-issue-163

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Sunday, 22 - 28 March, 2020 I Issue 163 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30

China vows to always stand by Pakistan at a WHO recommended safe distance of 3 feet

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BEIJING

hinese president xi Jinping said on Tuesday the special friendship between pakistan and China was choice of the history, which will continue to be strengthened by Beijing ‘always standing by’ islamabad.

“We want to see a healthy pakistan without any symptoms of COViD-19,” he said during a meeting with

president Dr Arif Alvi here at the great hall of people.

“And for that China will always stand by pakistan at a World health Organisation recommended safe distance of three feet,” xi said. president xi said no matter how international landscape might change, China would always stand firmly by pakistan.

“But if it coughs or sneezes, spraying small

liquid droplets, we don’t want to breathe in the droplets which could include the COViD-19. hence, we will maintain the socialdistancing, greet each other by waving or bowing, but the world must know that we stand by pakistan,” he added. president xi said China backed pakistan in stepping up its constructive role in regional and international

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affairs, which he maintained the world needs to acknowledge.

“The world should acknowledge that pakistan is taking strong measures to avoid touching its eyes, nose and mouth. it is also covering its mouth and nose when it sneezes. We have seen the used tissues being dumped as well,” xi added.

“Furthermore, it always seeks attention and aid whenever it has breathing difficulty. The regional and

international authorities are always informed,” he maintained. signing off he meeting xi echoed the

sentiment that has traditionally bound the two countries in an inseparable bond. g

iSiS launches ‘lota jihad’ to conquer toilet paper starved Wes UNDISCLOSED LOCATION

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I’m sure KP CM has comprehensive plan against Corona, says KP CM before reminded he is KP CM

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xpressing his full confidence in the capabilities of the Khyber pakhtunkhwa Chief Minister, Khyber pakhtunkhwa Chief Minister Mehmood Khan said that he is sure the provincial government has an effective, well-thought-out plan against the COViD-19 epidemic. “i know at times like these, us citizens can get a little angsty,” he said, while addressing a public gathering in his hometown swat. “But rest assured,

i’m sure that the Khyber pakhtunkhwa Chief Minister would have a detailed, well-thought-out, proactive plan to keep this scourge in check.”

At this point in the press conference, an aide whispered something in the ear of a now perturbed Mehmood Khan. “i am? Are you sure,” he said, incredulously to the aide, after which he stayed silent for a good ten minutes, while the rest of the gathering waited uncomfortably. g

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he islamic state (isis) is set to unleash a new strategy to conquer the ‘immoral West’, The Dependent has reliably learnt. in the latest edition of the terror group’s al-naba newsletter, the editors who normally urge followers to carry out attacks on the West instead ask them to “start delivering lotas, bidets and Muslim showers.”

While the rallying call, which al-naba has headlined as ‘lota jihad’, has now been spread throughout isis networks around the world, the details of the operation are classified. however, The Dependent’s investigative team has got hold of the documents underlining the ‘lota jihad’.

The documents reveal that the jihad has been categorised in accordance with the regions, with the lota version to be spearheaded by the isis provinces in south Asia, which have been working

under the auspices of the Khorasan faction is-K. “Conquer the immoral West by spreading the lotas, bidets and Muslim showers. The toilet paper starved, morally depleted, West will bow down to the lota jihad as their infidel backsides finally see the enlightening daylight of water,” reads a part of the classified isis document.

Meanwhile, with the spread

“FAR MORE CASES THAN WE PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT…”

Exponential spread of COVID-19 experts reported

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ATesT statistics have revealed an exponential increase in the spread of COViD-19 experts, in the latest series of bad news on this front.

“Yes, they are increasing rapidly and passing on their condition to the people they come in contact with,” said Dr sughra hassan, of the national institute of health. “not a day goes with when we don’t

fumigate and forcibly shut down a WhatsApp group with uncles trying to explain how hot water, figs and figs with hot water will cure the problem completely.”

“Matters are further complicated by the fact that some of this advice is perfectly astute in general, like increasing intake of Vitamin C and D, getting plenty of exercise and hydrating enough,” she

added. “But all of these perfectly good pieces of advice do not, in any way, help in fighting the Coronavirus.” “i think for some of them, it is too late,” she said.

“But with enough care, we can cure them with just a little bit of attention and only three doses of ‘oye, tu doctor hai? Bol, na? Tu doctor hai?”. g

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of the broader isis strategy and its latest jihad being widely publicised in global media, Muslim groups have come forward in condemnation.

“We condemn the global media for affiliating the Muslim shower with isis. Call it a regular shower, because isis aren’t Muslims,” read the official statement issued by the Muslim Council of Britain. g

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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour.

The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

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02 OPINION&EDITORIAL IMAGES OF THE WEEK

Sunday, 22 - 28 March, 2020

E D I TO R I A L

Social distancing Come to The Dependent seminar next week to learn

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e, at Pakistan’s Paper of Record, take our social responsibility as thought leaders very seriously. It is for this very purpose, we are organising a seminar on the concept of social distancing.The haq & haq Sanitiser sponsored event will have talks and lectures by leaders

in distancing and will be held next to our office at Avari.The hall is going to have a maximum seating for seven hundred and fifty people, but for those willing to sit in the aisles, the total number could go up to one thousand people.

The talks are going to be followed by tea and refreshments, where the

attendees can intermingle and discuss all that they have just learnt.The elderly and those with lung conditions are specially at risk due to the Coronavirus so they would have a lot to learn from this session.If the inaugural event goes well, we might replicate the seminar in cities other than Lahore as well.hoping for a healthy turnout! g

OPINION

Staying in London because I’ve been asked to head UK’s anti-coronavirus drive

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By Servant-e-aala

he people of Pakistan, especially the supporters of the incompetent ruling party, have continuously criticised me for staying in London with my elder brother. These naïve critics do not know anything about me, my politics, my worth and, above all, the purpose of my stay in the United Kingdom.

I, as the servant-e-aala of people, have always ignored such critics and their baseless criticism, because I know they are not worth it. But my advisors and family have repeatedly asked me to reveal the real purpose.

And after long pondering and deliberation, I have decided to share the details.

Although, of course, you all know, I don’t like publicity at all. My rule as the Chief Minister of Punjab is clear evidence of it. People of the province almost forgot my face. I have always been a shy person and believe only in work. hence, with great hesitation and shyness, I want to tell my supporters that I have been asked to head the anti-coronavirus drive of UK government. I know it’s not a big deal, but the UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson personally asked me to do it. he came to our – I mean my elder brothers’ children’s – Mayfair flats in London, where, I was present by chance. So, Johnson saw me when I was leaving the building, by the way, stopped me and started the discussion.

I tried to avoid him but he insisted saying he is a big fan. he told me he has been following me for years and he became a real fan after I took on the Mexico Wall project of the US President Donald Trump. he praised the project saying, it is best he has seen since the Berlin Wall. On this, my mate Ahsan Iqbal, who was also there by chance, told Johnson, actually the Mexico Wall project was Nawaz Sharif’s idea and Trump just put his name on the project-plate.

Awestruck by the revelation, Johnson further insisted on taking up the UK drive against coronavirus which I had to accept humbly. I, however, told him, no pictures.

On his insistence, I did send him

one of my pictures, but clearly asked him to ‘dekh ke delete’ it, on which he readily agreed. So, if you see any of my pictures across London or UK, just understand that Johnson cheated on me and leaked my pictures to advertisers.

Lastly, I want to address the issue of my return. As all of my supporters know that I have come with my elder brother to provide him medical care. When we reached there, doctors told us that Nawaz Sharif needed specific medicines and treatment, which is

for coronavirus. Although there was no epidemic when we reached here, but Iqbal told Mian Sahib has foreseen it and needs the medicine.

So, as all of you know, the medicine of this virus is expected to come in market in the next one or two years. Whenever it is available, I will hand it over to Mian Sahib and will return to Pakistan on the next available metro. I hope you all will now understand the reasons of my stay and stop this maligning campaign against me. g

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The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

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Sunday, 22 - 28 March, 2020

New patriotic sanitiser brand finalising plans for use of ‘good coronavirus’ as strategic asset

h Leading by example Imran Khan, Tariq Jamil greet each other with enthusiastic flying kisses

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ISLAMABAD

uring their meeting on Monday, Prime Minister imran Khan and renowned islamic cleric Tariq Jamil led by example in promoting social distancing, by taking strict precautionary measures in times of the coronavirus pandemic.

Meeting up to discuss the current situation in the country, both influential figures initially gestured to greet each other by going in for a hand shake, at which moment the Prime Minister apologised, took a step back

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and rolled his lips to blow an enthusiastic flying kiss to greet Jamil.

The cleric welcomed the greeting by accepting the flying kiss by showcasing a hugging gesture signifying an embrace of the kiss that had departed the PM’s lips and was safely encapsulated in Jamil’s heart.

Jamil then followed up with blowing a flying kiss of his own in the general direction of the Prime Minister, which in turn was duly caught by PM Khan’s right hand and gradually planted on the external

surface of his chest, underlining the entrance of the cleric’s kiss in the premier’s heart.

Eyewitnesses further confirmed that during this greeting session which lasted 45 minutes of their one hour meeting, the two leaders also kept making an ‘ummah noise’.

“This represented both the kisses that they were blowing for each other, and the global entity of which both of them consider themselves worthy leaders,” an observer said while talking to The Dependent. g

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RAWALPINDI

aving been tasked by the regional circumstances to create yet another business model out of a far-reaching crisis, the state’s number one financial empire has begun chalking out the plan on war-footing.

With the launch of a new patriotic sanitiser brand, the latest profitable strategy which will serve the interest of the empire and is widely interpreted to be in line with the aspirations of the people it rules over, the 20th century ‘strategic asset’ model is all set to be reintroduced.

Sources within the empire have informed The Dependent, that amidst the spread of what has now become a coronavirus pandemic, not only is work being undertaken to create sanitisers and even look to formulate the vaccine, the most important task being carried out currently is the

separation of ‘good coronavirus’ from ‘bad coronavirus’. according to the documents underlining the strategy, available exclusively with The Dependent, the strategy aims to use the ‘good coronavirus’ as a strategic asset that would give the empire and the state– used interchangeably in the documents – strategic depth in the regional vaccine market, while at the same time giving the empire/state leverage over foreign medics looking to completely eliminate the pandemic in the region. The documents underline that the empire hopes to keep volumes of ‘good coronavirus’ handy, safely being locked up in inaccessible parts of the country, only to be unleashed when the empire’s own interests are under threat.

Experts privy to the development say that if all goes according to plan, decades from now the empire would make significant profit by looking to incorporate the ‘good coronavirus’ in the vaccine sold in the region, especially across the western border. g

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Sunday, 22 - 28 March, 2020

CORONA COVERAGE

Nation’s teens still at it despite being repeatedly told masturbation won’t fight Coronavirus

T Corona fears: companies making transition from meaningless office meetings to meaningless video conferences

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EarS of the Corona virus is increasingly easing the transition of companies across the country from meaningless office meeting to meaningless video conferences. “at the end of the day, it’s all about watching out for the health of our employees,” said Sidra Mushtaq, CEO of a commodities trading firm. “going to the office just increases the probability of contracting the virus.”

“So why drag them through the rigamarole of meaningless office meetings that could achieve, quite frankly, the exact same result by

meaningless video conferences,” she said. ahmed Saleem, the Director Engineering of DiyaTech, a local software firm, agrees. “i’ve asked all of my staff members to work from home,” he said. “They don’t have to go through soul-sucking meetings that seem to go on an on when they could have instead, been safe from the likes of Coronavirus at home, while going through soul-sucking video conferences that seem to go on and on.” “i wish to see the day when we ditch meetings-that-could-have-been-emails and go towards video-conferences-thatcould-have-been-emaills.” g

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hE nation’s teenagers are, till the filing of this report, furiously at it, despite being told repeatedly by the national and international public health apparatus that masturbation will not, in fact, kill the COviD-19 virus.

“We believe the origins of this belief started with a Whatsapp message forward,” said Dr Mubasher ahmed, Executive Director of the national institute of health.

“Something about an increase in white blood cells or whatever. and that has led to this rampant increase in frequency of said activity.”

“Okay,

yes, we are being told by the provincial, national and even international public health bureaucrats and doctors that this will, perhaps, not fight or even prevent the Coronavirus,” said Saad Cheema, an FSc student

in Lahore. “But this new crisis requires us to go above and beyond. We can’t take any chances and should err on the side of caution.” “now, if you will excuse me, i need to… ..clean my room.”” g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

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C M YK Sunday, 22 - 28 March, 2020

ARTS & CULTURE

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Nida Yasir invites aerosolised COViD-19 particle on morning show

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KARACHI

oPular tV host nida Yasir in a special episode on Friday invited an aerosolised particle of coViD-19 on her show Good Morning Pakistan. the show, already a massive hit on television, saw its ratings skyrocketing as nida Yasir highlighted the little known side of the individual that has become the focus of global attention. after initially having been airborne, the guest sitting pretty on the couch opposite the host, proudly flaunting the spikes on its outer edge which resemble a glorious crown. the coViD-19 particle was asked a wide array of

questions that kept the viewers glued to the edge of their seats.

“We are the first channel and the first show to host the world renowned coronavirus. We actually wanted to host four or five of the particles and host a beauty workshop, but first we want to highlight the inner side of a coViD19 particle,” Yasir said. nida Yasir asked her guest what products they used to keep their spikes so shiny. she further advised the coViD-19 particle to use certain beautifying products to ensure consistency on their inner surface and ascertain the same tone throughout their body. “now clap for yourself because we don’t have any audience today,” the host told her esteemed guest. g

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NCA graduates disappointed at not being persecuted for their art

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LAHORE

Our MOdel COrrespOndent

PeaKinG at a press conference, the alumni of the national college of arts released a joint statement expressing their dismay at the lack of persecution for their art.

“We knew that, on an average, there wasn’t going to be much money in the field, and that was something we were mentally prepared for,” said haider razzaq, who graduated last year.

“But we were not prepared for no

one being enraged by the controversial content of our art.” “i thought my symbolic representation of the class divide in our country through donkey carcasses arranged to form the chamber of commerce logo would infuriate the capitalist class, who would send their henchmen to tear down my paintings and beat me up,” said samia Ghumman, class of 2000. “But no such thing happened.” “the same is the case with me,” said uzair rehman,

sculpture major, class of 2009. “i thought my abstract representation of the folly of the two-nation theory (somehow by juxtaposing cow dung figurines with beef figurines) would catch the wrath of the nazaria-ePakistan types, who would thrash me about a bit, but…..” the joint statement of the press conference demanded that the government of Pakistan should immediately deploy police contingents to make sure that the artists suffer for their art.g

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06 POLITICS

Uncompromising Jan won’t climb back up beanstalk until coronavirus defeated

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QUETTA

alochistan chief Minister Jam Kamal on thursday reaffirmed his vows to ‘stay down’ with the ‘people of the province who are suffering’ until he ensures the complete eradication of the coronavirus pandemic. talking to the Dependent in an exclusive video interview, the cM said that he is here to stay and that coViD-19 and its supporters should be worried. “i am not going anywhere. i will not climb back up the beanstalk until i defeat coronavirus thoroughly throughout Balochistan,” he said. the Balochistan cM further

maintained that it is his stature that will help him fight the crisis that is not only marring the province, but the entire country and the world. “i am a giant of not just Balochistan politics, but also Pakistani politics. Whenever i smell a crisis, be it alive, or be it dead, i’ll grind it to make my bread,” Kamal vowed.

Further elaborating the government’s plans to fight and defeat the coronavirus, the Balochistan chief minister underlined that awareness campaigns are been created for the entirely of the province. these will included campaigns on tV, print and social media. “We are also penning exclusive books for the crisis. one of these is called Jam and the Baloch stock,” Kamal added. g

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Sunday, 22 - 28 March, 2020

Somehow always get criticised for echoing popularly held beliefs: Fayyaz Chohan

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LAHORE

he Punjab information and culture Minister Fayyaz-ul-hasan chohan has come forth tendering an apology for the latest in his long list of comments that he is being condemned for. talking exclusively to the Dependent, chohan said he regretted saying what he has just said, even though he himself has lost track of his latest condemnable statement. “i will have to apologise once again, because that is what i am always asked and required to do. i know there is a long list of my statements that have been deemed condemnable, but what i don’t understand is how i somehow always manage to get criticised for echoing popularly held beliefs,” he said. the Punjab

information minister maintained that everything he has had to apologise for has been something that a vast majority of the nation believes in. “i challenge anyone to prove me wrong. Whether it’s religious minorities, women, journalists, and whoever else i have and might have said

something about, i can assure you that whatever i said was what most of us believe in,” he added. “these are popularly held beliefs. i will soon say another popularly held belief for which i will somehow have to apologise again, and again, and again.” g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.