The Dependent-issue-162

C M YK

E R I T SA Sunday, 15 - 21 March, 2020 I Issue 162 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30

Govt to be run behind closed doors

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RAWALPINDI

AKISTAn’S rulers have decided that the remaining years of the incumbent government will see the government continue be run behind closed doors. The decision comes hours after Pakistan’s coronavirus count reached 21, with a majority of those cases being reported in Sindh.

With other events and developments in the country to also take place behind closed doors, with multiple other countries taking the similar corresponding

decisions at their end as well, the rulers decided that it makes sense to continue to practice what was already being done behind closed doors.

“Of course, given that most other things are already taking place behind closed doors, it makes little sense to change what is already happening behind closed doors,” a member of the team of upper tier rulers told The Dependent.

The decision comes after national Assembly on Friday cut its

session short by a week and prorogued proceedings due to concerns raised over coronavirus.

The session saw concerns being raised by members with regards to parliamentarians who might already have contracted the virus.

“Given that such decisions are being made where actual decisions are not made, it further allows us to continue to go with the routine behind closed doors, where those decisions actually are made,” the upper tier ruler maintained. g

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afghan taliban postpone annual spring offensive due to coronavirus

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KP Civil Secretariat to be moved to Kohsar Market Islamabad for better liaison with KP cabinet

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n a high-level decision by the Khyber Pakhtunkhwa Government, it was decided to indefinitely relocate the Civil Secretariat in Peshawar to Kohsar Market, F-6/3, Islamabad.

“The decision was taken in order to improve the coordination between the provincial secretaries and their respective ministers,” said Dr Kazim niaz, Chief Secretary KP. “The top floors of some of the shops can be rented out and there is a park right next door; the ICT Police won’t mind some of the secretariat staff squatting some of the benches, I’ve

already spoken to the Islamabad IG,” he said.

“There is a precedent for this. Back during the Raj, Frontier Province’s capital used to shift to nathiagali in the summers because the British couldn’t stand the head. now it is going to shift because Peshawar is unliveable plus the minister’s can’t get a decent cup of latte,” he said.

“I am not going to be shifting over to the new secretariat myself because the Chief Ministet doesn’t go to Kohsar Market,” he said. “I will be going over to his residence everyday, reminding him he is the Chief Minister.”” g

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TORA BORA

he 2020 spring offensive in Afghanistan has been postponed due to the coronavirus outbreak, the Afghan Taliban announced on Friday.

“Considering the latest information and expert analysis, we have decided at this time to postpone the annual spring offensive,” said Suhail Shaheen, the spokesman for the Taliban.

The announcement of suspending the spring offensive is the latest blow to the jihad world that has seen a slew of suspensions and cancellations due to the coronavirus outbreak. ISIS, alQaeda, Lashkar-e-Taliba, Lashkar-e-Jhangvi AlAlami, Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan and Jamaatul-Ahrar are just a few who have suspended their seasons this week.

The Afghan Taliban spring offensive was scheduled to start March 13, but Shaheen

said the “ever-increasing risks” of spreading the coronavirus contributed to the “decision that undoubtedly will be disappointing to many, although I am confident is appropriate under these unique circumstances.” however, the Afghan Taliban have clarified that the refusal to launch the spring offensive should not be mistaken for compliance with the peace deal

Mir Shakilur Rahman caught smuggling Coronavirus in boot of car

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n what can only be described as a shocking turn of events in the ongoing tiff between federal authorities and one of the country’s biggest media houses, CeO GeO/Jang group Mir Shakeelur Rahman was arrested at the Lahore toll plaza, travelling from Karachi, on the Karachi-Lahore motorway with coronavirus packed in a normal sized suitcase, hidden in the boot of the car. “he was basically Rana Sanaullahing the virus, more commonly known as COVID-19; across provincial borders in order

to release it into Punjab, whose government’s preemptive actions, situational preparedness and exemplary leadership to keep coronavirus out of its territory, has become a model for countries around the world to learn from and follow. Anti-state elements will not be allowed to wreak havoc in the country through their nefarious designs”, said Dr Zafar Mirza, SAPM on national health Services, at a joint press conference with DG

Rangers Punjab and Federal Minister of State for Safron & narcotics Control Shehryar Afridi.

To a question regarding whether or not the situation had been contained in a timely fashion, Mr. Afridi categorically said, “We have the virus, we have all the surveillance video and we will [god willing] present all this evidence in the court of law”.

At time of writing the first case of coronavirus in Punjab had been confirmed at the CM secretariat in Lahore. g

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with the US. “no, we’ll definitely break the agreement one way or the other. In fact, pursuing the spring offensive was the way we were going to do it,” said Shaheen. “now we’ll just have to do it differently, keeping in mind that all our jihadist activities have to be channelised factoring the fact that we are now in the midst of a pandemic.” g

Satire

E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour.

The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C M YK

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL IMAGES OF THE WEEK

Sunday, 15 - 21 March, 2020

E D I TO R I A L

Lockdown!!

Everyone, specially debt collectors, stay at home

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EADErs, by now it is clear. the numbers of the Coronavirus don’t paint a pretty picture. We know the risks involved. What is needed is an effective and comprehensive lockdown. Work from home, everyone. this includes office workers. this includes it professionals. And this includes debt collectors.

if - and this is a theoretical scenario - a journalist had taken out a loan from a loan shark from Androon Lahore to settle a gamble debt with the same loan shark. should the loan shark come knocking every now and then to the office of Pakistan’s Paper or record, or whatever paper the journalist or editor is working at? No, he should stay put, not just for his own sake

but also for the sake of his own family and, yes, the nation at large. in this issue: reacting to Corona, the government is going to be working behind closed doors now, in stark contrast with the stellar transparency that we’ve been seeing thus far. Kohsar Market gears to run KP, like it has. And the taliban delay the spring offensive due to the Coronavirus. g

OPINION

We’ll be using the coronavirus model on economy by refusing to measure indicators like inflation N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T

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By Shaikh iMF

irst of all, i must express my gratitude to the wonderful editorial team of the Dependent – this wonderful newspaper that i read all the time! they invite me to write in this prestigious space that is Page 2 of the Dependent on so many occasions, i can’t help but feel like the most important man in the world – the king of the world even.

Let me clarify that it is they, the editorial team, who keep approaching me, and not i who constantly chase after them to write here [don’t you dare correct me!]. Yes, of course, being virtually put in charge of a struggling economy by the most powerful financial institution in the world does have its privileges, but i rarely use them. in this case, i never have to [don’t!].

Now that the pleasantries are over, let’s get down to business. Now that we have established that it is this paper that constantly begs me to write for them, let’s now come to the point and share with you all something that not only concerns our country, but actually the entire world.

Even though health doesn’t directly come under my jurisdiction, but being completely in-charge of finance, i am virtually in-charge of everything – including health, or media, for instance, [of course including the Dependent!]

But still i would like to be a part of the collective in the Pakistani government that should, and will, take credit for the success that we are enjoying over coronavirus. Yes, where countries like China, Japan, italy and now even the Us and the UK are struggling to curtail the coronavirus, the numbers in Pakistan – or rather the low numbers in Pakistan – are a staggering success. this success is underlined by the time we have taken to actually follow the world and be serious about the coronavirus – i mean why would we panic, given that we already have things under control? However, more importantly, there are lessons that we can learn in other aspects of our governance as well. Now, we need to understand what makes Pakistan a

striking success in dealing with coronavirus, which in turn will help us make the country a similar success in other fields as well.

Pakistan has been leading in terms of its dealing of coronavirus, because in designated hospitals we have people actually discouraging people from taking the tests. so either the coronavirus tests are done in hospitals that are charging up to the average minimum wage in the country for one test, or they are done

in hospitals that will spend all their time, effort and energy in telling you not to take the test. the lesson here is that you will not test positive for coronavirus if you don’t test it to begin with. And coronavirus will not be detected if your detecting machinery can’t detect it. We’ve got both bases covered.

Now we’re taking the coronavirus model to the economy. Let’s start with, as a nation, simply refusing to measure indicators like inflation. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C MYK

NATIONAL 03

Sunday, 15 - 21 March, 2020

equality for women not part of our culture: PM imran

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ISLAMABAD

culture clash is developing in Pakistan due to differing education systems, which is resulting in all kinds of people expecting rights and equality, Prime Minister Imran Khan said on Wednesday.

Khan said that this phenomenon was most visible in last week’s Aurat March 2020, which tried to ask for things that are not in our culture.

“First of all, equality for women is not a part of our culture. Hence those asking for equality for women, or such western things like equal human rights for women, or even human rights at all, clearly belong to some other foreign culture,” he said.

“Since such things are not a

part of our culture, anyone who marches or demonstrates for such things is promoting foreign cultures, which in turn results in the culture clash. Our government will overcome this clash through the right kind of education,” the PM added. the PM announced that a new syllabus that his government is about to launch will undo any exhibits like the Aurat March.

“We will, hopefully by next year, introduce a core syllabus for all schools. the syllabus will clearly tell everyone who does and does not have which rights, if any, and who is and isn’t equal. I personally am sick of saying things like we are all equal etc, and I want the new syllabus to set the record straight,” he added. g

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Tableeghi Jamaat surprised at newfound concerns about what it spreads

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LAHORE

undredS of thousands from the tableeghi Jamaat gathered in eastern Pakistan this week amid the coronavirus pandemic, ignoring government warnings to get together and unanimously mull over the question that they all have in their collective head. this question, multiple members of the tableeghi Jamaat later reaffirmed, centered around the surprise that they all felt in what they said were ‘new found’ concerns over what the tablighi Ijtimah spreads.

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While organisers late thursday curtailed the annual tablighi Ijtimah congregation, which had drawn people from across the country, some of them spoked to the dependent saying that never in the past have they experienced any concerns about everything they have been spreading.

“It is strange that all of a sudden, out of nowhere, we are being asked not to gather because of what we can spread, do spread, will spread or have spread. We are complying, but we can’t help but wonder why such a concern about

what we spread was never seen before,” a senior organiser said while talking to the dependent. despite the early closure, about 250,000 people had already congregated in camps near lahore. “this number is even higher usually. they say such a high number of people can spread things with high speed and high frequency, and there is a high probability that they can take it to all parts of the country, and even overseas,” said the organiser. “that has been the whole point of it from the get-go, I say.” g

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Sunday, 15 - 21 March, 2020

LOCAL

Nation’s misogynists apply for recently created commissioned officer posts in Corps of Virtue Signals

T Nation to throng to crowded cinemas for ehd-e-Wafa finale to show to Modi nation not afraid of Coronavirus

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He nation has made a pledge that it will go to the cinema theatres of the country to watch the ISPr-produced serial ehde-Wafa in an effort to show to our nemesis across the border that we, as a nation, are not afraid of the coronavirus. “this is not a tV series, this is an opportunity to prove a point,” says laeeq Haider, a resident of lahore. “An opportunity to prove to the Indians that the nation that they are thinking of squaring off against aren’t afraid of some silly little flu.”“Yes, and of course, it is also a tV series.” the nation’s cinema theatres are

also responding positively to the online pledges made by citizens.

“We hope we are able to entertain all of our patriotic clients and customers,” said Sahir Butt, ceO of the universal cinemas Group. “It is only when people like these forget minor inconveniences like pandemics and what have you, does one see the physical manifestations of abstract concepts like patriotism and duty.”

“Am I going to personally watch it, you ask,” he said, in response to a question. “Of course not. It’s a germfest in these halls. We only clean the popcorn out after every show.” g

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He nation’s misogynists and sexual harassers have filed a record number of applications in the recently created commissioned officer posts in the corps of Virtue Signals.

“Are you ready to serve your image,” asked the corps’ advertisement, which first appeared in neo television and then in various other newspapers. “then apply now.”

said. “I can’t wait to command my own battalion of Virtue Signallers, who will regale

women on twitter with our honourable service record in their dMs.” g

Satire the nation’s sexual harassers, in particular, found promise in the new career. “this is it, isn’t it,” said Hassan Solangi, an It professional, currently facing three separate inquiries. “this can set things on the right track.”

“Yes, a little late for me to start out as a 2nd lieutenant, but the ad says we can hope for rapid promotions in this fast track and be colonels soon,” he

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C M YK

WORLD 05

Sunday, 15 - 21 March, 2020

Got idea for human hand-sanitizer during Pakistan PM’s post-Khashoggi meeting with MBS: aramco

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Pakistan, india to collectively curtail coronavirus by dubbing it each other’s conspiracy

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ISLAMABAD/NEW DELHI

AKIStAn and India on thursday told each other that they are ready to work together in dealing with coronavirus, which has now spread to over 100 countries and has been declared a pandemic by the World Health Organisation (WHO).

Officials from both countries have confided in one another, and come up with a strategy that would not only benefit the two neighbouring states, but would also speed up the process of curtailing the spread of

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coronavirus at a time when cases both from India and Pakistan is still in two digits. Sources within both the Pakistani and Indian governments have told the Dependent that the foolproof strategy designed to eliminate coronavirus from each country, and in turn the entire region, hinges on both states deeming the pandemic to be other other’s conspiracy.

“Up till now stand neither the people, nor we, the government, have been taking it seriously. But now that we finally are, we have

come up with a plan that will definitely ensure that not only the masses take it seriously, but also zealously look to eliminate it,” a senior Indian ambassador said. “thankfully, both countries already have the mechanism in place that helps an issue be dubbed a conspiracy of the other country and then quickly escalates it nationwide through religionist populism, ensuring that the entire state stands against it,” added a Pakistani diplomat while talking to the Dependent. g

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AUDI Arabia’s state-run oil company Aramco has apologised dressing up a migrant worker as a human sanitizer dispenser at one of their facilities, saying that the idea actually wasn’t their own to begin with.

As the company voiced "extreme dismay" for the incident, claiming late tuesday that this happened without the approval of Aramco officials, officials have revealed that they got the idea of a South Asian person being a living embodiment of a human handsanitizer when Pakistan’s Prime Minister visited Saudi Arabia for the future Investment Initiative (fII) in October 2018.

“Saudi Aramco would like to express its extreme dismay at this offensive behavior that was aimed at emphasizing the importance of sterilization, by using an inspiration from 2018, when a prominent South Asian visited riyadh, met Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, and attended the future

Investment Initiative at a time when there was global uproar over Jamal Khashoggi's murder,” the company said in a statement posted on twitter.

Sources within Aramco further reveal that the ‘prominent South Asian’ was Imran Khan, with the Pakistani premier being part of an inside joke in the company.

“We called him a human hand sanitizer at the time, you know, because he helped clean you-know-what off you-know-who’s hands,” said a senior employee at Aramco.

“And a really good one at that, given that little over a year later, the world almost has no memories of what transpired.” g

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Sunday, 15 - 21 March, 2020

SPORTS

Pepsi launches Catch a Corona contest

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rest of PSL season to be contested on Brian Lara Cricket 96

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DHAHRAN

KARACHI/LAHORE

fter the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) decided, in compliance with the Sindh government, to host the Pakistan Super League (PSL) matches in Karachi behind closed doors, followed it up by shortening the remainder of the season, and then saw many international players leaving the country owing to the coronavirus outbreak, it was finally decided to take the logical route.

PCB Chief executive Officer (CeO) Wasim Khan has confirmed that given that the spread of coronavirus through any human contact remains a likelihood in every physical format that the

matches are played under, the rest of the PSL season would be played out on video games.

“Once that decision was taken, many thought that Cricket 19 on Xbox would be the logical route, but we decided to up the difficulty level keeping in line with the PSL tradition,” Khan said while talking to the Dependent.

“Hence, we have decided that all PSL teams would go head-to-head against each other on Brian Lara Cricket 96, played on an Intel 80486, or computers known commonly in the 90s as 486. this adds to the nostalgia factor as well,” he added. “While we’re bringing cricket back, might as well bring Brian Lara Cricket back as well, which I personally remember playing back in the day.” g

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KARACHI

n a bid to curtail the expected losses to its massive sponsorship investment in the ongoing Pakistan Super League (PSL), Pepsi has decided to replace its regular Catch a Crore contest. the decision comes in the aftermath of the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) complying with the Sindh government in hosting the PSL matches in Karachi behind closed doors.

While the PCB, along with many sponsors and investors are likely to be financially hit by playing behind closed doors in what has now been announced as a shortened fifth season of the PSL, Pepsi has decided to improvise and come up with a marketing campaign that works perfectly with the times.

According to sources within the marketing team at the Pepsi headquarters, which is in-charge of the brand’s promotion in the PSL, Pepsi will be launching a Catch a Corona contest for the remainder of the matches.

“Unfortunately, owing to the matches being played behind closed doors, there can’t be any spectators making any catches, which means that they can’t be catching the crore. However, what we have realised is the fact that anyone these days can catch a

coronavirus,” a member of the marketing team said via WhatsApp. Given the significance and repercussions of such a campaign, this scribe asked the marketing team member of Pepsi if the Catch

a Corona contest rewards those who are infected by the virus, or those who find out someone else who is infected, in turn helping save its spread. the scribe is still waiting for a reply at press time. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.