The Dependent-issue-160

C M YK

E R I T SA Sunday, 1 - 07 March, 2020 I Issue 160 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30

PM Khan drives coronavirus himself from airport to arrival ceremony

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In keeping with his self-initiated tradition and diplomatic properness, Pm Imran Khan received and drove the coronavirus from Islamabad national Airport to the arrival ceremony arranged for it at the Prime minister House. Khan, who successfully sanitized the use of the more than half a million-dollar worth fully spec’d bulletproof maybach S600 last year by

gracing its driving seat with his presence, frequently drives around other foreign dignitaries around Islamabad showing off the parts he is allowed to show off. Upon disembarking from the plane, the newly discovered lethal rnA virus that was received by almost the entire federal cabinet said, “I have been met with much hostility in other countries that I have visited, but the love shown to me by

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Pakistan is unmatched. Please, call me CvID-19; that’s what my friends call me”. Strict security measures were put in place in the capital for the undisclosed duration of the official visit of CvID-19. Soon after its arrival an advisory was sent to all print and electronic news outlets to ‘report positively on the historic visit’, which is presumably an instruction to ignore the fact that the coronavirus has so far claimed 2,800 lives. g

Modi shocked as trump accurately pronounces ‘rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh ke Hindutva aatankwadi’ AHMEDABAD/NEW DELHI/WASHINGTON

Coronavirus to be launched in Pakistan under the auspices of CPEC

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overnment spokespersons have said hysteria being caused by the spread of Coronavirus is unfounded as the deadly disease is being launched in Pakistan under the banner of the China Pakistan economic Corridor (CPeC).

A late addition to the CPeC project, the virus is expected to be a never before seen phenomenon that will finally bring the reality the one belt one road initiative of the Chinese.

“People are worried about Coronavirus, but there is no reason to worry, because when the disease does arrive in Pakistan, it will be a CPeC project and bring boundless business and monet into the country” said Special Assistant to the Prime minister on Information, Firdous Ashiq Awan. According to details,

coronavirus is first being tested by the Chinese domestically, and then they will bring it across the border and into Pakistan, where it is expected to change up the entire landscape. “this is in fact a very good investment opportunity” said Awan. “We urge everyone to look at this in the light that it deserves to be looked at. Long live Pak-China friendship.” meanwhile, incarcerated former PmL-n Interior minister, Ahsan Iqbal, has sent out a message from custody saying that the Coronavirus was actually an initiative of the PmL-n government, and that the PtI was simply taking credit for their work. “this is typical of them, changing names on groundbreaking plates. But the public knows that it was mian nawaz Sharif and the PmL-n that got this going” said the message. g

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oLLoWIng a successful trip to India, where he managed to mangle his pronunciation of several Indian names and Hindi words, US President Donald trump shocked his host Indian Prime minister narendra modi in his ‘thank you’ call on thursday.

According to the leak of the call, available exclusively with the Dependent, the US president had called the Indian premier to express his gratitude over the hospitality that he experienced during his visit, with the two minute long exchange between the two leaders filled with accurately pronounced Hindi words, phrases and sentences – from both sides. “nishchit roop se humaari yaatra adhik safal aur aaraamdayak hoti agar rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh ke Hindutva aatankwadi apna aatank na phaila rhay hotay,” said

trump while talking to modi in flawless Hindi, with equally accurate pronunciation.

“Aasha karta hoon ke aap apnay saampradaayik akraman par niyantran kareinge aur maanav kee visheshataen dikhaenge,” he added.

“Atithi Devo Bhava,” replied

E XC LU S I V E !

Fazl’s successful dharna led to Mahathir resignation

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By zEESHAN BHuTTA

n an explosive set of documents made available to the Dependent, it has been revealed that the successful JUI-F dharna of 2019 yielded the recent resignation of malaysian Prime minister mahathir mohammad. “this man clearly won’t end the dharna without a resignation,” mahathir is reported to have written to Prime minister Imran Khan.

“And since you are the best thing to happen to the muslim world since Sultan golden, I think the decent thing for me to

do, for the sake of the muslims, is to tender my resignation.”

“We got it, we got it,” exclaimed the JUI-F leader as soon as he got news of this development. “this is what we were hoping for, my brothers. now, we can go home,” he said to his non-plussed Central Working Committee.

“We have gotten what we came here for; we can leave with our heads held high.”

“Come on, let’s go,” he

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said to protesting committee members.

“We will discuss when we reach Bannu; come on, let’s go.” g

a shocked modi at the end of the two minute trump monologue in Hindi.

At press time, the White House fired trump’s newly hired Hindi teacher after being informed that what he told modi did not translate into a backing of anti-muslim violence. g

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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour.

The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C M YK

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL IMAGES OF THE WEEK

Sunday, 1 -07 March, 2020

E D I TO R I A L

Delhi burns...

How can we gloat most effectively?

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eAr readers, as you read this, the ancient city of Delhi is seeing some of the worst instances of mob violence in decades. Gangs of Hindus are razing Muslim neighbourhoods, with the sort of assured surefootedness that can come only from knowing the government is on your side.We cannot, however, be silent spectators while all this is going on. it is incumbent on us to gloat at the misery of our Muslim brethren and constantly #ThankJinnah.

N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T

Dear readers, we have to tell the Muslim population of india, which is a shade over our own total population, that they are stupid for staying back in india.We also need to keep shaming them and keep saying that while the indians have trouble with their small 200million-strong Muslim minority, we in Pakistan treat our massive 4-million-strong Hindu minority well. in fact, every day efforts are undertaken to ensure they are not treated like second class citizens by spirited attempts to

convert them.in this issue: is the Coronavirus bad for Pakistan? No, much like the CPeC loans, it isn’t. in fact it was driven over from the airport by the Prime Minister himself.The US President didn’t offend PM Modi with mispronunciation but did, with correct pronunciation of certain key words.ArY, as always, lends support to individuals without any mandate, in this case, Ali Zafar, who represents the youth and at least has a clean reputation and it better than the Sharifs and the Bhuttos. g

OPINION

After inviting Ali Zafar and Mohsin Abbas, I decided to pose a Masoomana Sawal to myself in the mirror

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By MasooM BadaMi

ife has given me everything i have ever asked for. Life has also given me those things that i actually never asked for, but am so grateful to get. in fact, life has given me even those wonderful things that i didn’t even know existed.

And yet there comes a moment – very rarely, i must admit, and you must understand – when i begin to question things. My mind ponders, and sometimes it goes into directions and places where i never want it to do. Sometimes it reaches those places, again, which i don’t even know existed. for instance, sometimes in tricky moments, my mind ends up tracing a conscience, which is not only rarely extricated, its existence has been dubious for the longest time as well. it is in such moments that the whole idea for Masoomana Sawal was conceived.

Yes, Masoomana Sawal, was i asking myself innocent questions in my alone time. This was before i joined journalism. Then gradually the innocent questions became difficult questions, which is why i stopped asking them.

Then work started taking over and i couldn’t find time to ask myself any Masoomana Sawal in the mirror.

That was until recently when i started thinking about these sessions from all those years ago and came up with the idea for an entire show. Of course, in the show i pose the Masoomana Sawal to others. That, again, was only until this week.

On Thursday, a day before i wrote this, and two days before the kind editors at The Dependent

would be publishing this, i actually had a Masoomana Sawal session with myself – after years.

At first, i couldn’t understand why i was looking at myself in the mirror, and why i decided to host myself after all that time. And then it dawned on me.

The session with myself came after i invited Ali Zafar and Mohsin Abbas to my show. Of course, Moshin Abbas was a guest and Ali Zafar was invited through video call. Then i launched a poll for Ali Zafar and practically launched his upcoming song for the Pakistan Super League. That is why i decided to pose a Masoomana Sawal to myself in the mirror.

The question, as you expect, was straightforward – and yet had

so many dimensions to it. But it centered around the very idea of asking myself, what on earth i was doing.

What am i doing? it was a bizarre question, and sounds even bizarre to me right now after the session is over. Why on earth would i ask myself that question, given that what i was doing was completely in line with who i am and what i do?

Anyway, i decided it was an episode worthy of a mention here. Also, now that i am here, i would like to promote Hemani, which has all the things in life that you need.

Trust me, you know it’s absolutely astonishing, when i am able to sell haircare products – not to mention, myself as a journalist. g

SAtIre

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C M YK Sunday, 1 - 07 March, 2020

NATIONAL

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Bloggers were hired to spread propaganda against me: Hafiz Saeed

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Pakistan Health Ministry issues guidelines for Aurat March affectees

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ISLAMABAD

akistan on Wednesday confirmed its first two cases of the novel Aurat March over a week before it is actually scheduled to march for women’s rights — the source of the outbreak.

On Thursday morning, Special Assistant to Prime Minister on health Dr Zafar Mirza called on people who have experienced any ailments after coming into contact with any banners related to the Aurat March to call on the helpline.

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“If you or somebody you know have recently seen the promotions of the upcoming march, or visited a social media page where topics related to women’s rights are prevalent, and if there are symptoms like fear, ego damage, belief deconstruct or breathing difficulty, please report by calling at 666,” he said. health experts maintain that the number of affectees are going to increase in the coming week and urge all citizens exercise the needed precaution. “however, there is no need to panic,” said Dr

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he founder and chief of Lashkar-e-Taiba (LeT) and Jamaat-ud-Dawa (JuD), hafiz Saeed, said that much of the criticism and propaganda against him and his activities has been artificially generated on social media.

Saeed was talking to a leading TV show where he alleged that bloggers were hired, by those against him and his work, to malign his personality.

“I have evidence, which I can’t show you right now, but I will, to prove that the entire campaign against me was artificially created on social media through paid bloggers, whose sole task was to say nasty things about me,” said Saeed, who earlier this month was sentenced to five and a half years’ prison in a case related to terrorism financing.

Talking to the show host via video call, Saeed further said that he is so unquestionably innocent that those against him actually

created bots and deployed artificial intelligence to target him. “This campaign became so widespread that gradually those employed to tarnish my name included Pulitzer Prize winning bloggers, and documents tampered to fabricate evidence me included classified intelligence files,” Saeed said. Saeed said those criticising him weren’t clearly as successful has he is in his field. he also vowed to release a new song for the hordes of supporters he has across the country. The TV show host decided to initiate a poll demanding the viewers if they would like to hear the new song, which saw overwhelming response in the affirmative. g

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Sunday, 1 - 07 March, 2020

LOCAL

Yes, did say ‘shit’ but its not that bad a word, maintains self-representing defendant looking for plea bargain with Ammi

Shots inside Siddiqui Uncle’s house are considered out, Gulbahar Colony St 27 Cricket Council decides

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Mirza. experts further said that those affected are likely to pass on the disease to others.

“It’s a very alarming situation.

Those affected are roaming around freely on social media during which they must have interacted with a lot of people,” said Dr Qaiser Sajjad of the Pakistan Medical Association, adding that all those people who had spent time – in the real world or virtual – with a person affected might also be at risk of contracting the disease. g

LAHORE

he Gulbahar Colony St 27 Cricket Council (GCSCC) has decided on a split vote that any skyers hit by a batsman that land inside the house of Siddiqui Uncle will from now on be considered out. The other houses in the street remain open territory and hitting windows is still considered the equivalent of a ‘super six’ which constitutes 8 runs according to GCSCC law.

The decision was announced after a close door meeting in Ahmed’s house, the oldest member of the cricketing league, aged 26 and still unemployed, and the leader of the GCSCC. The decision was taken after a lot of deliberation and while consensus was finally reached, it has been

reported that Ahmed’s younger cousin Mohsin left the meeting in a foul mood threatening to take away his cricketing equipment, which would greatly handicap the future of the game.

The explanation the GCSCC has given for the groundbreaking new development is that Uncle Siddiqui does not return the balls that fall into his house which caused great outcry from Rashid, the main source of revenue as his father owns the general store where the cricket council purchases their tennis balls at a discounted price.

Suggestions were made that perhaps everyone should start pitching in to pay for the balls which was promptly shot down by Ahmed who used his 4th veto of the meeting. g

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MAJOR breakthrough on Friday in the legal drama following the incident earlier on Friday, when defendant hassan Chatta (who goes by the street alias ‘Chiku’) admitted that he did, indeed, say the word ‘shit’ with the qualifier that it was not that bad a word.

“Yes, I did say it, I did, I’m not denying this,” Chatta told The Dependent.

“But I would like to say here that I don’t think it is that bad a word. I would like to ask the court, is phoosi a bad word?

That is how flatulence is described in local diction and, in fact, was used once by my grandfather when discussing his gastroenterological situation with his doctor, my sister.” “has he been hauled by the honorable court, I ask you,” asked a passionate Chatta.

“Ignorance of the law is no excuse, I get that, but not if these laws are so archaic and, labyrinthine,” he said. “I would appeal for a lesser sentence.”

The attempt was ultimately unsuccessful, as Ammi still said he cannot go out to play in the street for an entire

week.

“Shit,” said Chatta, when contacted again

by The Dependent for a comment on the decision. g

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The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

C M YK

ENTERTAINMENT 05

Sunday, 1 - 07 March, 2020

‘#BhaeeHaazirHai’, ali Zafar texts Harvey Weinstein

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LAHORE/NEW YORK

fTer producer Harvey Weinstein was found guilty on two sex crimes charges, he has received much needed moral – albeit under the table – support from many around the world. Among the most vocal, albeit not as directly, has been Pakistani singer and actor Ali Zafar who is leading an entire campaign to spread awareness about the plight of the victims of a popular hashtag, by creating another hashtag which he believes will end up being even more far reaching.

Sources close to Weinstein have informed The Dependent that he received a text from Zafar on Monday, which read ‘#BhaeeHaazirHai’.

Coincidentally this is also the hashtag that Zafar is using to promote his upcoming unauthorised track for the Pakistan Super league.

The campaign which poses to have emerged organically came after a prominent media house decided to organise a poll for Zafar to sing an anthem for the PSl, and followed influencers apologising to Zafar for allegations against him which still haven’t been disproven in court.

The Dependent has further

learnt that in addition to the hashtag #BhaeeHaazirHai providing support to voiceless victims like Weinstein, and creating an anthem for the cricket league, it would also provide the slogan for the upcoming Mard March 2020. “If you note, the phrase ‘Bhaee Haazir Hai’, has a truly masculine ring to it, something our society lacks, and something we want to promote, while promoting victims around the world,” an organiser of the Mard March 2020, a close aide of Zafar, said while talking anonymously to The Dependent, citing the stigma that is attached with publically coming out as a meninist in the current world. “’Bhaee Hazir Hai’ will also be an anthem that Ali Zafar would sing exclusively for the Mard March this year,” the organiser confirmed. g

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ARy continues proud tradition of backing those without mandate

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KARACHI

onTInuInG its proud and unmatched tradition of backing individuals who do not have the mandate for the thing that they unquestionably desire, Pakistan’s leading news channel Ary has this time played its crucial part in rewarding a musician who was desperate to sing an anthem for the country’s leading sports league. observers have drawn parallels with how the prestigious channel has previously helped make similar struggles successful, most

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notably in the political arena in 2018.

However, where the then much touted struggle had gone on for twenty-two years before the Ary backed candidate finally got what the mandate had continued to deny him, this time it’s a man whose struggle has lasted a mere two years – and yet isn’t any less profound. Another difference between the two cases is that the former finally got what he had never managed to get a hold off, while the latter is redoing what he has previously done – but,

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Sunday, 1 - 07 March, 2020

SPORTS

Wasim akram to star in PCB’s anti-corruption campaign to curb fixing

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again, the pain of staying away from what he feels only he is entitled to wasn’t any less.

Similar to how in the previous case the noble channel had helped engineer matters, Ary has done the same in helping sway a selective public opinion. What is unquestionable is the way the channel has stood up to aid those who feel they should get whatever they want, and given hope to anyone who truly wants something even if they do not merit it, or do not have the mandate for it. g

KARACHI

ruly condemnable incidents of bullying were witnessed on the opening day of the fifth season of the Pakistan Super league (PSl) on Thursday, when two particular individuals were relentlessly targeted for shortcomings that were completely unrelated to their professions.

The first instance was seen amidst the opening ceremony of PSl 2020, where the host was relentlessly mocked, most notably on social media, for basically lacking the required communication skills and speaking in a bizarre fashion. The heartless bullying first compelled the poor host to tell all those

bullying him to not be jealous and actually work hard in life like he has, and the next day called the perpetrators out for being their heartless, callous selves. The second instance of bullying was seen in the opening match between Quetta Gladiators and Islamabad united, where an athlete was mocked was being body positive. The athlete was jeered during the field, with harsh comments coming from the crowd and on social media. The athlete, however, had the last laugh making a match winning contribution, which reminded his critics that no one – especially those athletes making bundles of money through physical performances – should be judged on their physique. g

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Another Pakistani lower middle-order batsman struggles with power hitting

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MULTAN

eT another Pakistani lower-middle order batsman struggled with clearing the stadium during the Multan Sultans and Peshawar Zalmi match on Wednesday.

Power hitting, which has been a major concern for Pakistani batsmen in the limited-overs formats, visibly eluded the repertoire of the player in question in the crucial match of the Pakistan Super league in Multan – the first that the city had hosted in 12 years. experts further noted that another thing plaguing the batsman was how there appeared to be a complete lack of intent to up the ante in terms of increasing the scoring rate, which at the point in the contest was a dire need for his team.

“The team clearly needed big hitting from him, but he appeared to be more interested in safeguarding his own wicket. unfortunately, this is a problem we have seen with far too

many Pakistani batsmen, which has resulted in struggles for the national side in limited-overs formats,” said leading cricket commentator Bazid Khan.

“And as is the case with Pakistani players, especially batsmen, there is no questioning the talent, but

giving preference to own interests over the team’s,” he added.

“And given this Pakistani player is also the captain, one fears we might see dressing room politics in the aftermath of what absolutely wasn’t a captain’s knock.” g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.