C M YK
E R I T SA Sunday, 16 - 22 February, 2020 I Issue 158 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30
Hafiz Saeed sentenced to five-and-a-half years in Pakistan film censor board
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Lahore anti-terrorism court convicted Lashkar-e-Taiba (LeT) and Jamaa-ud-Dawa (JuD) Chief hafiz Saeed to five-and-a-half years in Central Board of Film Censors (CBFC) in two terror-financing cases on Wednesday. Given that the same verdict has been meted out in two separate terror-financing cases, instead of serving 11 years in the CBFC, Saeed will be required to watch every Lollywood film released over the next
five-a-half-years twice. “We’re hoping that this would help Pakistan’s listing with the Financial Action Task Force and Lollywood’s listing with other film industries. The move has positive repercussions for Pakistan’s economy, security and its film industry,” said Special Assistant to Prime Minister on Information and Broadcasting Dr Firdous Ashiq Awan while talking to the media.
Along with Saeed, his close aide and fellow cinema buff Malik Zafar Iqbal has also been sentenced to the CBFC over terror-financing charges. The first assignment that Saeed and Iqbal would take up will be to review Sarmad Khoosat’s much talked about Zindagi Tamasha along with members of the Council of Islamic Ideology, and the Tehrik-e-Labbaik Pakistan. g
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Govt offers ehsanullah tamgha-eimtiaz, master bedroom in Dar’s seized home in bid to get him to return
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Team of North Korean experts arrive to assist in draft of social media regulations
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riginally, the experts were supposed to come from China, whose model of social media regulation we wanted to emulate,” said information minister Firdoua Ashiq Awan. “But then we thought we needed something a little stronger.” “Shoot for the moon, and you’ll land among the stars, as they say,” she said. “If we won’t be able to
manage to achieve what North Korea has, we’d be able to get to China level, at least.” “There’s so much to learn from our DPRK brothers and sisters,” said science minister Fawad Chaudhry. “For instance, when I first heard of the ‘3.5 Drill Method’, I thought it was an algorithm that shuts down the internet access of dissident users. Boy, was I wrong!” . g
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he federal government on Sunday offered escaped formerformer spokesman of the Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan ehsanullah ehsan the Tamgha-e-Imtiaz (Military) and the master bedroom in the seized property of former finance minister Ishaq Dar. “If this doesn’t make the cut,” clarified defence minister Pervez Khattak, “we could also offer another award, to be decided later, and to offer other options of accommodation.” “There is also the option of relationship counselling; we hear there is a fantastic therapist in Lahore,” he continued. “Let’s give this another go. Please.” Defence analysts were divided over the
issue. Lt Gen (retd) Amjad Shoib was of the view that the offer was far too generous and that he should be given just a Mentioned in Dispatches Imtiazi Sanad or Tamgha-eKhidmat (Class II). Others were of the view that the offer wasn’t generous enough. “he should be
‘Have temporarily borrowed Ehsanullah as spokesperson on Kurd massacre,’ reveals Erdogan
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ISLAMABAD
N his Valentine’s Day address to the joint session of Parliament, Turkish President Recep Tayyib erdogan finally lifted the lid on the rumors and conspiracies surrounding the departure of Tehrik-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP) Spokesman ehsan Ullah ehsan. erdogan, on the second of his much anticipated two-day visit to Pakistan, revealed that ehsan had been temporarily loaned out to the Turkish government. “Unfortunately we in Turkey lack PR specialists like Mr ehsan, who brings a
unique repertoire and years of experience into the field. Therefore, we have temporarily borrowed him from Pakistan as the Turkish government’s spokesperson on Kurd massacre,” erdogan told the Parliament. In his address to the joint session, the Turkish president further revealed that ehsan, who will be taking up a different pseudonym during his work as the Turkish government spokesperson, will also be training the locals in his expertise. “We are hoping that by the
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time Mr ehsan’s work with us is finished we have sufficient trained spokespersons not only for the Turkish government, but also for the jihadist groups and proxies that Turkey supports in its neighbourhood, and in the broader region,” erdogan said. g
accommodated in the Prime Minister’s residence,” said Wajahat S Khan, former journalist and military theorist. “I have personally visited the premises, specially the bathrooms, and can testify that they meet the requisite standards for entertaining such an esteemed guest of the state.” g
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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
C M YK
02 OPINION&EDITORIAL IMAGES OF THE WEEK
Sunday, 16 -22 February, 2020
E D I TO R I A L
High treason Really, really high
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N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T
He Prime Minister has spoken clearly, and without slurring his speech at all: he says that he should be tried for treason for holding the federal capital hostage and staging a dharna seeking the dismissal of a sitting government. Maulana Fazlur Rehman, that is; he is the aforementioned ‘he,’ not the prime minister himself, of course, who has never done anything of the sort, God forbid.
the government has a genuine gripe. It is unfair that the only person in the country’s history that has actually been convicted of high treason is the charming Pervez Musharraf, who has served the country in the ‘65 and ‘71 wars and went on to plan the ‘99 war in Kargil, which will be taught in military academies the world over as an example of prudent planning. those deserving of high treason are Nawaz Sharif,
Maryam Nawaz, Asif Zardari, Ian Botham and Maulana Fazlur-Rehman, says the government. In this issue: ehsanullah ehsan has a new, important role in his appointment in turkey but the Pakistani government Is also attempting to lure him back with some goodies. the South Koreans, we hear, modelled out development mantras on ours, but now we shall model our social media on that of the Other Korea. g
OPINION
Militants being successfully mainstreamed into art and culture critics By SpokeSperSon FirdouS
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et me confess that I approached the editorial board of the Dependent to leak this news, which would in the future have been called Dependent Leaks. It would then have resulted in me being targeted by the powers that be, with my elected seat and mandate being stolen. the kind editorial board then reminded me that I’m not actually elected and am a special advisor, specially selected, for special tasks, so I should be okay. then I gradually realised that since I am actually safe in leaking this story to the Dependent, I shouldn’t actually mind my name being highlighted in the report. And then one thing led to the other, and then we collectively decided that maybe I should do an Op-ed on the big reveal and just hog all the limelight. In that case, all the accolades that this piece gets from global rights groups and organisations would all be mine and only mine. So hold on to your devices, or Sunday paper supplements – which I honestly prefer, given that there isn’t and will never be any substitute for actual paper – because Firdous’ sting operation on her own government is about to be unveiled. the government has now taken its mainstreaming of the militants to the next stage, and is now mainstreaming them as art and culture critics. I requested the Opinion editor to add exclusive with the headline of my piece, because it just looks super awesome and important. But I was rudely informed that what I am about to share isn’t exactly exclusive news at all. Okay fine, maybe similar reports might have already been shared. I am told that the front
page of this edition does a detailed story on Hafiz Saeed and actually unveils that ehsan Ullah eshan is also working with the turkish film industry! Fair play to the Dependent then. I will then limit myself to giving my opinion, in this opinion piece on the opinion page of this great publication. When the mainstreaming of the militants began a couple of years ago, there was a lot of confusion with regards to what they were going to be mainstreamed into. the popular perception was that they are going to be mainstreamed into politics, but that had already been done to death – of tens of thousands – and had already
been caught by global watchdogs. Bloody dogs, I tell you! So we had to think outside the box, and the idea came to us inside a box of Shabistan Cinema one day. that’s when we decided to mainstream militants into art, culture, music and film critics. think about it – no one really cares about the censor board. No one really knows who works in a censor board. Hence, the censor boards would actually provide new safe havens to these militants. the idea is to ensure that these militants continue their work of culture critique and avoid any militancy in the near future, till the state decides to adapt the policy of Good Film Critic and Bad Film Critic. g
Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
C M YK Sunday, 16 - 22 February, 2020
INFOTAINMENT
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Lal Masjid’s power couple, Umm-e-Hassan and abdul aziz, redefining gender roles in Jihad industry Man with economic inequality in DNA strands diagnoses genetically-ingrained fiscal misappropriation
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BizArre case of a quack surfaced on Wednesday from DChowk at the Constitution Avenue in islamabad’s red zone, where a man claiming to offer cure for ‘genetically-ingrained fiscal misappropriation’ turned out to have been a direct recipient of financial mismanagement in his own genes. The quack in question was caught red handed while he was pretending to be a doctor of genetics and diagnosing others with ‘genetically-ingrained fiscal misappropriation’. it later turned out, as revealed
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the medical tests carried out on the subject available exclusively with The Dependent, the man pretending to be the doctor actually was a prime victim of the disease he was ostensibly curing. The medical report of the subject revealed that each strand of the man’s DnA, or Deoxyribonucleic acid, was made up of ‘economic inequality’ and ‘financial marginalisation’, revealing that these had been passed on by his immediate ancestor. Further analysis of the DnA revealed that
the four bases that form a DnA nucleotide were all military bases. These bases that determine the DnA’s instructions are further characterised through four alphabets, A, T, G, C, which in the subject’s case translated into Army, Tanks, Garrison and Cantonment. Medical analysts have noted that what makes the DnA especially remarkable is that the test was conducted purely on fiscal genetics, which still revealed a heavily militarised result. g
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e’re all for celebrating relationships and emboldening the fact that jihad duties don’t necessarily have to be gendered. Lal Masjid furthers this very thought in its latest campaign, led by the power couple Umm-e-Hassan and Abdul Aziz, and there’s quite a lot happening. Umm-e-Hassan, who has been shattering gender stereotypes, last week issued instructions to kill the local management, police and the Shuhada Foundation spokesperson, as menacingly as any man – if not better. Umm-e-Hassan made the provocative speech on Friday at 12:28pm in Lal Masjid – again as provocatively as any male khateeb on a Friday.
With the help of a loudspeaker, Lal Masjid relights the joy of terrorising together, encouraging positive change in society by challenging archaic gender roles. On Abdul Aziz’s part, he has spent over a decade challenging gender stereotypes in the clothing industry, having for years been an activist fighting for universality in gender neutral clothing. The Lal Masjid storyline presents short glimpses into the life of the one couple that truly deserves the label of a ‘power couple’ in Pakistan, as they rejoice different stages of jihad with each other. g
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Sunday, 16 - 22 February, 2020
NEWS
‘No, next year’s Valentine’s probably won’t be any better’ Pakistan Bureau of Statistics tells you
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Gul Bukhari summoned after intel gained from ehsanullah reveals she is DG ttPPr
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LAHORE
OLUMniST Gul Bukhari was summoned on Monday by the AntiTerror Wing of the Federal investigative Agency (FiA) was intel gleaned by former-former TTP spokesman ehsanullan ehsan revealed that she was the top boss in the Taliban’s information setup. “Yes, ehsanullah, before he sadly left us, informed us that Gul Bukhari was currently designated as Director General Tehreek-eTaliban Pakistan Public relations (TTPPr) and that she was where the buck stopped at the banned outfit as far as Pr was concerned,” said Dr Hassan
PeAkinG specifically to you, The Pakistan Bureau of Statistics (PBS) has confirmed that in all likelihood, Valentine’s day next year will not be any better than it was this year for you. responding to what they have branded as your ‘laughable’ claims and ‘childish’ hopes, the PBS said that the chances of Valentine’s day going any better for you in 2020 than it has in 2019 was absurd. “We know you think things will get better, because of course,
things can’t get any worse, right? no. Wrong. The numbers on this are clear, they aren’t going to get any better. in fact, they’re very likely to go much much worse” read a statement from the bureau released after you told your friends ‘aglay saal dekhna zara’. “We understand that the math on this is a little complicated, and that you’re relying on the age old you-can-only-go-up-from-rock-
bottom approach” it went on to say. “But as we’ve seen, you have somehow managed to keep falling lower and lower”. “Your rock is a bottomless pit, if you do ever hit this supposed ‘bottom’, you’re never getting up from it.” “You see generally we see upwards trends, but in your particular case, the calculations are thrown off just a little because of the you-don’t’-deserve-love factor. g
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Something, currently serving at Anti-Terror Wing of the FiA.” “We’ve spent some time with the fellow; he’s standup guy, there’s really no reason he would lie to us,” he said. “it just confirms what we’ve always suspected about this Bukhari lady since a very long time.” “in fact, he revealed that not only was she his line manager, but that she also used to at times deepen her voice to sound like him when he was not available,” he said. “She was even involved in actually carrying out certain activities, including the attack on GHQ in 2009, where she was the lookout.” g
Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
C M YK Sunday, 16 - 22 February, 2020
ARTS AND CULTURE
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ehsanullah giving us major vacay goals in his turkish holiday pics on instagram
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the Academy to introduce ‘Best Performance in Oscar Acceptance Speech’ award
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He Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS) has announced that it will be introducing a new award next year onwards, keeping in light the progress made in the arena of filmmaking. In a statement issued on its official website, the Academy confirmed that from the year 2021 onwards a new category in the Academy Awards, popularly known as the oscars, would be introduced entitled ‘Best Performance in an oscar Acceptance Speech’.
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the announcement further confirmed that unlike the Best Actor/Actress and Supporting Actor/Supporting Actress categories, the Performance in an oscar Acceptance Speech award will not have male and female categories. “Keeping up with the times, we realised that everyone should be vying for the same performance based awards,” AMPAS President David rubin said while talking to the Dependent.
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ItH selfies ranging from the luxurious Dalaman beaches to the Duden waterfalls, to the world renowned Cotton Castle, to the innumerable holiday spots in Istanbul, the most wanted militant and spokesman of the terrorist group tehrik-e-taliban Pakistan, ehsan Ullah ehsan, is totally giving vacay goals to his less successful friends and family through the never ending stream of turkish vacation images being uploaded on his Instagram account. Clearly a globetrotter and a travel enthusiast, ehsan’s Instagram feed reveals that he has already travelled the length and breadth of turkey. the latest images uploaded by the mastermind of numerous terrorist attacks in the Af-Pak region suggest that he is currently in Istanbul, from where he has uploaded his pics atop the Bosporus, in front of the Dolmabahce Palace and inside the Grand Bazaar. while turkish President recep tayyip erdogan has travelled to Pakistan to reveal that ehsan’s is actually in turkey as part of a state level exchange
programme, the taliban spokesman’s Insta feed appears to suggest that he currently has a lot of free time – along indeed with blood – on his hands. the sheer volume of pictures being uploaded on the Instagram handle further fuels the rumours that he ehsan has actually been in turkey since January, with a few images – understandably posted later – suggesting that he might actually have spent new Year’s eve in turkey as well. whatever the case might be, we’re totally digging the vacay photo albums!. g
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Sunday, 16 - 22 February, 2020
SPORTS
‘after recent wins dual-role gags no longer funny’, say selector and coach in joint press conference
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“However, moving forward we might introduce a ‘Best Supporting’ category in acceptance speech awards given that these performances are almost always impossible without similarly commendable supporting performances,” rubin added. Like other awards, the ‘Best Performance in oscar Acceptance Speech’ award would also be decided by the Academy’s voting panel, which is currently constituted by over 7,000 voters. g
WaShINGToN
lahore
fter back to back wins against Sri Lanka and Bangladesh, coupled with the t20I series win against the latter as well, the media owes the chief selector and head coach a retraction of the barrage of dual-role gags, said the chief selector and head coach in a joint press conference at the Gaddafi Stadium Lahore ahead of the start of the Pakistan Super League. talking to the media, the selector and the coach maintained that even though the initial burst of criticism was harsh on them given that they had only just take
over, now that they have appeared to have started to turn things around, their critics should stop referring to them in the plural. “Dual-role gags are no longer funny,” maintained the chief selector and head coach with their characteristic poise. “they were never funny, but there had been done to death in the first month. How can people still be making the same joke after five months?” they questioned. At press time, the head coach of Islamabad United also joined the Pakistan chief selector and head coach in the joint media talk. g
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‘Improve on-field performances if you want scandals to make national news’, Imam tells Shadab
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lahore
oLLowInG the relatively subdued reaction to leg-spinner Shadab Khan’s recently surfaced scandal, which saw him become the latest Pakistani cricketer to be the target of audio and video leaks, opening batsman Imamul-Haq has advised his teammate to work on his performances on the field if he wants the masses to show interest in what he does off it. talking via a video chat platform on wednesday night, where Imam had the flower filter on and Shadab lied down with a massive heart underneath his face, the left-handed batsman told the aspiring all-rounder that he needs to focus on being well-rounded. “I get that the whole parchi thing gets me a lot of media traction, but I’ve been consistently performing in the oDIs – just look at my numbers – and
with last year being the world Cup year that obviously mattered,” Imam told Shadab, whose form has taken a visible dip over the past couple of seasons. “furthermore, not only does the media and people care more if you’re performing on-field, I further showed my own allround skills through the leaks
as well. I mean the horse has now been immortalised, and will be the yardstick for future cricket scandals,” Imam added during the video whose further, more controversial, details will be leaked if this scribe does not receive two khokhas before the start of the Pakistan Super League. g
Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.