CMYK
THIRD ANNIVERSARY SUPPLEMENT
on Section 03
E R I
T A S
Sunday, 09 - 15 February, 2020 I Issue 157 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30
Shahzain Malik, RSS helped me escape, reveals Ehsanullah Ehsan in latest audio
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EWly-elected Member of the national assembly shahzain Malik and the Rashtrya swayamsevak sangh (Rss) helped arrange my break out from detention, revealed Ehsanullah Ehsan in his latest audio tape. “yes, he contacted me while i was under detention, and asked me to join him and his associates,” said Ehsanullah Ehsan, in the latest
audio that he released from his hideout in Turkey. “our movement is, in fact, kept alive by the politicians of the country, despite the attempts of the military to crush us. Thank God for these politicians, as exemplified by shahzain Malik,” he said, while choking up with emotion.
“He was helped, of course, by the Rss, to whom shehzain Malik said that he had sold his soul because he can do anything for money and power, you hear that? anything!” “off topic: shahzain also killed Dua’s father; don’t ask me to explain, just take my word for it,” said Ehsan, while concluding his voice note.. g
SatiRE
india given befitting, heavily autotuned reply on Kashmir Day
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‘What happened to bros before hose?’ Mahathir asks imran
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KUALA LUMPUR
alaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad asked Pakistani Premier imran Khan during his two-day trip to Kuala lumpur on Tuesday, what exactly happened to the mutually agreed code of ‘bros before hose’. sources privy to the private conversation between the two besties have informed The Dependent that the first question that PM Mahathir put to his Pakistani counterpart was with regards to what he deemed as the ‘single strongest binding force between two brothers’.
“yes, i understand that there can always be a hose that is irresistible and too big a catch to say no to, but this refusal to say no still is a betrayal, bro,” said Mahathir. sources confirmed that imran conceded that Mahathir had a point, which prompted his now public statement of regretting the decision not to make time for the Malaysian premier last year. “you’re right, i should never have been tempted by the hose, bro, which only gives me one thing, and not all the things that you do – like solidarity when and where i need it. i need to stop being a gold digger, bro,” imran told Mahathir in private, before making his official statement. g
ISLAMABAD
aKisTan gave a customarily strong and catchy response to india as shockwaves were sent across the line of Control on Wednesday. While islamabad giving scintillatingly melodious, but equally menacing, messages to india is the norm, the fact that it was the occasion of Kashmir Day further enhanced the use of military threat and Virtual studio Technology (VsT). as a result, the latest befitting response given to india was equally notable for both the robustness of military
techniques being deployed and the level of tuning incorporated through integration of synthesizers and effects in digital audio workstations. “The reply was befitting, and also heavily tuned, because the reply had to be perfect,” noted sumaira Kabir, noted expert on fifth generation warfare, and author of War with Raag Elements. “in modern warfare, this is done using VsT, which helps the vocals – even more so in a vocal heavy track like this one – remained in synch
throughout with the modern tuning standard of 440 Hz,” maintained Kabir. Despite rendering india speechless through the perfection of vocal notes, and flawlessness of the audio plugin software generated rhythms, critics are wary of the impact fifth generation warfare is having on the quality of music. “you’re lacking the human element. Music production has gone into the wrong hands,” lamented shamoon Turab, the author of The art of War Music.. g
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nA passes Diversion of Attention from ehsanullah escape Bill
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aTional assembly on Friday passed with clear majority the Diversion of attention from Ehsanullah Bill, 2020. independents Mohsin Dawar and
ali Wazir weren’t allowed to speak on the hastily passed bill. The bill, presented by treasury member Mna Muhammad ali Khan, includes several sub-bills, like the pronouncement of a public hanging for deviants involved in child sexual abuse. “yes, we are aware of the futility of public hanging for this, or any crime,” said ali Khan, while speaking to reporters after the assembly session. “But the Diversion of attention from Ehsanullah Escape act, 2020
should be seen in its larger role.” “you want me to talk about what we’re diverting attention from? Well, i don’t think that would suit the purpose of the bill, would it?” “Why is it then the name of the bill, you ask? Well, becau——oh, my God. oh my God….they’re going to be so…..oh my God, what was i thinking…excuse me,” said a panicked ali Khan. Till the filing of this report, the na secretariat had replied twice that the aforementioned piece of legislation cannot be renamed the Carry on, nothing To see Here, Move along act, 2020 without it being passed again by the assembly. g
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E D I TO R ’S N OT E the Dependent is a completely satirical publication. the articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. the Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK
02 OPINION&EDITORIAL IMAGES OF THE WEEK
Sunday, 09 - 15 February, 2020
E D I TO R I A L
Asking about Ehsanullah... diverts attention away from Kashmir
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T is so obvious, dear readers. Why was news of ehsanullah ehsan’s escape timed to coincide with our efforts to raise awareness about the Kashmir issue?The answer, as we’re sure you know we’re trying to say, is to divert the attention of the public and, indeed, that of the whole world, away from the Kashmir issue.Why was ehsanullah
allowed to slip away, you ask? See, you’re changing the subject and you know this. Shame on you.In this issue: the president, prime minister and all four chief ministers have extended their felicitations to Pakistan’s paper or record, The Dependent, upon the 3rd anniversary of its publication launch. But the most important message amongst these was that of our
plainclothesman friend sitting in the newsroom. The best of our staff might call in sick or take a day off to meet some family commitment but this gentleman always came through. On the odd day that he did miss work, an associate of his was sent instead.He’s always here. In fact, he’s reading this very editorial over my shoulder as I send it to press. g
OPINION
Targeted within my own party, I’m the Bernie Sanders of PTI
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N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T
By Buzz-Dar
e might be contesting a presidential election later this year in his country, and I too might have to contest another election later this year in my country. He stands up for the marginalised and the downtrodden, and I too am the voice of the silenced and powerless. He represents the shaking up of the status quo and a political convulsion that the establishment can’t deal with, and I too represent all of the first part of this sentence except the final bit. He is being targeted within his own party because he challenges the ills within the party as well, and I too am being targeted within my own party for doing the same. Ladies and gentlemen, I am the Bernie Sanders of the Pakistan Tehrik-e-Insaf. And this year belongs to both the Bern and the Buzz. The next time you hear me attacked – like tomorrow – remember this: I don't believe that federal government should take over my office and control Punjab. But I believe that the middle class and the working families of Dera Ghazi Khan deserve a fair deal. And helping Buzdar means, helping those families. I think there are a lot of people who, when they hear the word ‘Buzdar' get very, very nervous. What being the Punjab Chief Minister means is that you hold out a vision of society where power for self is absolutely unnecessary, where party relations are not based on greed, but on cooperation, where party leaders own the means of all
kinds of production for the party and work together rather than having to work as semi-slaves to other people who can hire and fire. You go to Lahore, and you will find that people have a much higher standard of living, in terms of education, health care and decent paying jobs as compared to DG Khan. Similar poverty has been experienced by the lawmakers in Lahore. At the current salary, the lawmakers’ wage has become a poverty wage. A full-time legislator lives below the official poverty line. Do the elected officials in Islamabad stand with ordinary chief minister – or will the extraordinary centers of power prevail? The ruling people, both visible and invisible, must answer that question.
We need a salary revolution by breaking our dependence on government income. I am very, very confident my small town will lead this. We will be noticed by the country and the world. In Lahore, the Occupy Walled City protests are shining a national spotlight on the most powerful, dangerous and secretive economic and political force in the country. The Federal government needs to provide small chief ministers in Pakistan with the same low-interest tasks it gives to foreign and defence ministers. Finally, let us understand that when we stand together, we will always win. When men and women stand together for justice, we win. When Punjabi, Seraiki and Pothwari people stand together for justice, we win. Can you feel the Buzz? g
SATIrE
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK Sunday, 09 - 15 February, 2020
THIRD ANNIVERSARY SUPPLEMENT
This is the loneliest job in the world, but even lonelier when you have no friends. Thankfully, The Dependent and its team have always been around for me. The first time I met the editor of this prestigious paper, I had just become President. I was at the Islamabad airport, getting photographed napping on the seats in the public waiting area like a true awami President. To my utmost surprise, I found a man living under those seats who I recognised as the editor of this publication. He had been squatting under the benches after being rejected by all the landlords of Islamabad. He invited me into his home under the benches, where he served me tea, but then chased me out with a shoe when I commented on the condition of his teeth, proof that he would not let our personal friendship get in the way of his professional commitment. My next meeting was with the paper’s executive editor, who I was surprised to find at a private screening of Jawani Phir Nahi Ani 2. He was a very nice man, even if he stole my popcorn and dunked my head in his soda when I asked him if he knew what it would do to his teeth. My final meeting was with the paper’s assistant editor, who I met during a spontaneous photoshoot of me picking trash on trail 5. I found him living under a rock, and he beat me with a bottle I was trying to pick out of his teeth. I still consider him my best friend.
03
I would like to extend my heartiest of felicitations to Pakistan’s Paper of Record, The Dependent on its 3rd Anniversary. I know what a big deal it is to achieve a third anniversary. It is upto fine publications like The Dependent to uphold the truth in our country. Do they care about the considerable government advertisements I can ask the information minister to withhold or release just by a simple WhatsApp message? No. They keep at it, at the noble cause of the truth. There are rumours in Islamabad that my own government will not survive its three years. I would like to inform these rumour mongers that I have proved everyone wrong before and will do so yet again. They said a Pakistani couldn’t come on the cover of Hello! Magazine. Who came on the cover of Hello! Magazine not just once, not just twice, not just thrice but, yes, three times. I proved that lot wrong and I will prove all the others wrong. I will last more than three years, that I can promise you. At least a little, yessir.
I’ve always been known as a hardass among the boys. A real no nonsense type that sticks to business and never gets attached to an assignment. In my line of work, there isn’t any space for emotions. But even I couldn’t help it, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t care about this newsroom. But don’t get me wrong, the team is extremely professional. In fact, when I first turned up, I was surprised to see how trained they were already. They would wordlessly go sit in the back of my ride parked outside after uploading certain stories without me even having to ask! But then, I started noticing the little things. How the kids in the newsroom just knew how many spoons of sugar I like in my tea. Or how I never had to say how much I loved the lemon tarts from Kitchen Cuisine for them to always get it for me. I started to warm to them. Sure, when it came to it, some straightening would have to be done, but these guys were special in some ways. They would be able to laugh about the things you wouldn’t normally laugh about. I never could have imagined this happening, but it comes from my heart when I say, Happy Anniversary The Dependent! It has been one hell of a ride.
– Imran Ahmed Khan Niazi, Prime Minister of Pakistan
– Plainclothesman sitting in newsroom
Happy anniversary to Pakistan’s paper of record, but also to some of the greatest friends I made along the way. – ‘Dr’ Arif Alvi, President Islamic Republic of Pakistan
I, Usman Buzdar, the Chief Minister of Punjab, appointed and backed by His Excellency, the PM of Pakistan, and the Chairman of the Ruling Party Pakistan Tehrik-e-Insaf, himself, would like to use my constitutionally granted authority, as the center of provincial power, and wish Happy Third Anniversary to The Dependent, headquartered in Lahore, which is the capital of Punjab, the province that I personally rule over, with permission. I would like to take this opportunity to further remind the readers of this publication, especially those residing within the province of Punjab, on whom I rule as the democratically elected and appointed CM, that the decision to wish The Dependent on its birthday has been solely taken by me, and is not owing to any external influence. Not only that, I would like to use this worthy space, given to this publication under the same Constitution that grants me all my authorities, to tell everyone, especially those residing within the province of Punjab, that I am writing this message, in its entirety, myself. This birthday wish is a statement of intent and political strength, which in the case of Usman Buzdar, the Chief Minister of Punjab, appointed and backed by His Excellency, the PM of Pakistan, remains undisputed and undiluted.
On this momentous occasion of the third anniversary of Pakistan’s top newspaper The Dependent I would like to remind the editors of the publications to not blame the Sindh government when your paper shuts down. I mean your paper is great, and may it have many many more, but when it does shut down, it will not be the Sindh government’s fault. Let me tell you that conspiracies and accusations are nothing new for the Sindh government. I mean the federal government and other provincial governments drag the Sindh government into everything. Not only is it ridiculous to suggest that everything has the same root, there is a time and place for everything. But some people don’t realise that not everything is about you, and not everything is a conspiracy against you. Such people start talking about how they are being targeted, when they are actually invited to speak on something else. Beware of such people. Don’t be them. Finally, Happy Birthday, The Dependent. Remember, if you dig any grave for us, you will fall into it yourself.
When I was asked by my staff to write this note for The Dependent, I was pleasantly surprised, not just because it would be an honour to address Pakistan’s Paper of Record, but also I like being reminded I am the CM, because I keep forgetting. The other day a minister requested me to come to his office so he could show me a presentation and I asked him to give my name to the guards at the secretariat gate so they would let me in. It was another pleasant surprise when the minister told me they would let me in, even if he didn’t give my name. I wish The Dependent all the best on their 3rd anniversary of publication. In such a short period of time, they have made a name for themselves and have proved to be a formidable force; not one that could easily be removed because of the machinations of Atif and Shahram. That’s right. Still alive and kicking. And don’t you forget it.
Today, the entire province of Balochistan is celebrating The Dependent’s birthday. This was not possible two years ago, let alone 10 years ago. What began as small celebrations of The Dependent’s second birthday across the province this time last year, have now evolved into all of Balochistan being in a festive mood over The Dependent’s third birthday. The only Baloch not celebrating this anniversary are those who lack life’s basic facilities. Everyone else has been partying like there is no federal government. And, for the uninitiated, the only basic facilities in life that the province needs is the weekly print edition of The Dependent and access to this great publication’s website. The similarities between The Dependent and the Balochistan government run far deeper. Just like our critics, those who are critical of your work don’t realise that all judgements should be passed on the basis of work. But like you, we too have to identify ourselves for our detractors to know who we actually are. So just like your stories are heavily labelled with the identification of what your work actually is, we too have decided to write GOVERNMENT in big block letters on banners across the province, especially governmental buildings. Happy Birthday, The Dependent. Let’s see whose work is recognised first. Let’s see who lasts longer
– Sardar Usman Ahmad Khan Buzdar, Chief Minister of Punjab
– Syed Murad Ali Shah, Chief Minister of Sindh
– Mahmood Khan, Chief Minister of Khyber Pakhtunkhwa
– Jam Mir Kamal Khan Alyani, Chief Minister of Balochistan
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK
NATIONAL 04
Sunday, 09 - 15 February, 2020
islamophobic posters showing Muslims as anti-Hindu people surface in Lahore
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LAHORE
He growing global tide of islamophobia continues to rear its bigoted head, with anti-muslim posters now surfacing in the citadel, the laboratory, of islam that is Pakistan. islamphobic banners surfaced all over lahore, taking social media by storm on Wednesday. the posters, clearly targeting the muslim community, showed them in a negative light, stereotyping them as people that are anti-Hindu. the banners, first seen on lahore’s mall Road, depict derogatory anti-Hindu comments written on behalf of the representatives of this great islamic country, with the intention clearly to portray muslims as extremists. Furthermore, what has made this instance of hate speech all the more deplorable, is that it deviously sought to speak on behalf of the ruling party that is actually engaged in this global fight against islamophobia. “Our party, our government and our Prime minister, has been actively talking about islamophobia for months. in fact, we don’t do anything else, but tweet about it all the time. So of course, this is a conspiracy of someone who wants to defame us,”
says leader of the ruling Pakistan tehrik-e-insaf (Pti) Shireen mazari, the Federal minister for Human Rights. “either the conspirators are the Research & analysis Wing (RaW) or they belong to the Pakistan muslim league-Nawaz (Pml-N), which of course means one and the same thing,” mazari added. the federal government has announced that the matter will be taken up by the joint turkey-malaysiaPakistan anti-islamphobia channel. the Punjab government has also vowed to react strongly to the islamophobic hate speech in the provincial capital. “Oh you Hindus who put up this anti-Hindu poster to defame muslims, let this be a warning from a proud muslim!” said Punjab government spokesperson Fayyaz Ul Hassan Chohan.g
Satire
‘Not like you haven’t seen my grapes before,’ Umar Akmal fires back
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Ot like you haven’t seen me grapes before,’ Umar akmal fires back Snapping back at criticism over alleged indecency, cricketer Umar akmal has said he does not understand all the fuss, because this is not even the first time he has been seen with his grapes in public. “last time i showed you a picture of my grapes, it trended
on twitter. We all had a good laugh and you admired my fresh, shapely, rich fruits. But this time i do it and suddenly everybody has a problem” he said in a press conference outside his home. “in fact, i did it more than once. First time with the darker, red grapes, and next time with the lighter, tangier green ones.
Satire
05 INTERNATIONAL ‘Udhar tum, idhar hum’ says Pelosi after tearing piece of paper at State of the Union
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WASHINGTON DC
mmediately after shredding the paper on which US President donald trump’s State of the Union speech was written, democratic House Speaker Nancy Pelosi shouted ‘udhar tum, idhar hum’ on Wednesday. While that shout evaded the original State of the Union television coverage, footage from unofficial cameras, available exclusively with the dependent, show Pelosi launching a tirade in Urdu immediately after trump’s speech came to a conclusion, prompting the House Speaker to tear up the papers that she had in her hands. Pelosi became the second democratic leader to make a strong politically statement in Urdu within a span of 24 hours that also saw United States presidential candidate Bernie Sanders issue a campaign banner promising biryani to voters across america on election day. Political analysts with the
But all of a sudden it is a big deal.” meanwhile, the dependent, can also confirm that the PCB official who had been at the receiving end of seeing Umar akmal’s grapes has been getting texts from Umar akmal. “i showed you my grapes .. pls respond” read one message.. g
Sunday, 09 - 15 February, 2020
‘Vote for Biryanie Sender’ – Election Day biryani plate offered to Pakistani voters in US
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MONTPELIER
knowhow of both the Urdu language and US politics aren’t sure what exactly ‘tum’ (you) and ‘hum’ (we) are meant to denote on part of Pelosi. Given that ‘tum’ can signify both the second person singular and plural, the House Speaker could both be speaking to trump individually or addressing a vague plurality of people. “in case of a plural, she could be speaking about trump supporters, the Republican Senators, or even the Republican Party as a whole. Or she could just be talking about every single person in the world that she doesn’t approve of,” says Pakistani-american politico-linguist mir mohammad ali Khan, who is renowned for a lucrative use of words in the politico-economic spheres in the US. “Namanzoor, namanzoor, s**ar ke bachay!” Pelosi is also seen shouting in the State of the Union footage, with linguists further underlining that ‘bachay’ [child/children] could be used both in the singular or plural context as well.g
Satire
Nited States presidential candidate and democratic member of the US Senate, Bernie Sanders, on Wednesday released a campaign message in Urdu on his official Facebook page underlining the benefits of voting for him. the campaign banner, headlined ‘Vote for Biryanie Sender’, promised a biryani plate for every individual who votes for Sanders in the democratic primaries and eventually in the US Presidential election this year. ‘Bernie ke Biryanie For all programme mein do botiyan, aik shaami, salaad aur raita bhi shaamil hain’, read the campaign message in Urdu, which garnered thousands of likes and shares within the first 24 hours of being published. experts believe that the message released in Urdu is designed to cater to the Urdu speaking Pakistani diaspora in the US. Sanders is offering what the Pakistani heritage voters value the most in democracy, according to leading analysts.
“Pakistani voter sells himself for a plate of biryani. that is the extent of his interest and participation in the democratic process,” said imran Khan a leading election day expert, successful electioneer, and a close friend of current US President donald trump, who is currently serving
as the Prime minister of Pakistan. at press time, the Sanders election Campaign managers also advised the democratic candidate that he should contact renowned engineers in aabpara area of islamabad to optimise the influence on Pakistani voters. g
Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.