The Dependent issue 155

CMYK

E R I

T A S

Sunday, 26 January-1 February, 2020 I Issue 155 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30

I’m not supposed to tell you that, says PM after refusing to answer question about Uighurs

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rIMe Minister Imran Khan refused to discuss the conditions of the Uighur community, saying “I am not supposed to tell you that.”

In an interview In an interview with Germanbased Deutsche Welle (DW) on January 16, Imran Khan spoke at length about the issue of Kashmir but on the treatment of the

Uighur Muslims by the Chinese state, he said, “I am not supposed to tell you that.”

“But -,” the interviewer persisted.

“I am not supposed to tell you that,” repeated a nervous and increasingly sweaty Imran Khan, cutting her off.

After several minutes of dead silence in the by now

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uncomfortable to watch video interview, the Pakistani premiere, took off his collar microphone and bid the DW team farewell.

“Thanks for the tea. It was fantastic,” he said, as he stepped out of the room. ”g

KP CM attempts to join PtI KP forward bloc after forgetting he’s KP CM

President Trump personally visiting Pakistan to oversee deployment on Iran border: Qureshi

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ISLAMABAD

n his meeting with Prime Minister Imran Khan in Davos, United States President Donald Trump assured he would personally visit Pakistan to oversee the upcoming deployment of American troops on the Iranian border, Foreign Minister Shah Mahmood Qureshi said on Wednesday.

Qureshi said several “important issues” were discussed in the hour-long “productive” meeting between President Trump and Prime Minister Imran on the upcoming dynamics of US control over Pakistan’s bordering areas with Iran, including the number of bases that are to be run by Washington and the number of troops America needs to bring, in

addition to the local ones that Pakistan would naturally be supplying.

The Foreign Minister said the premier informed Trump of measures taken by Pakistan to get off the Financial Action Task Force's grey list, which both leaders agreed were both nonexistent and redundant, given that Washington would help Pakistan get off or on any list, in exchange for getting on its border with Iran.

Qureshi revealed that Prime Minister Imran also discussed the ongoing human rights violations in the soon to be US military dominated border with Trump, and both leaders agreed that only the other violations on the other side of Pakistan’s western border should be brought to focus.. g

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hyber Pakhtunkhwa Chief Minister Mehmood Khan’s attempt to join the PTI forward bloc in the KP Assembly hit a roadblock after being informed he was, in fact, the KP CM. “I would like to join you and your associates in the forward bloc,” he said Friday morning to forward bloc leader provincial tourism minister Atif Khan. “I wasn’t that much of a fan of [former KP CM Pervez Khattak but this new guy is completely ineffectual.”

“The whole place is upside down and no one seems to be minding the store,” he said to an uncomfortable Atif Khan. “In fact, if we were to go out on the road and ask, I’m sure many

people won’t even know who the new CM is. That is how uninspiring and devoid of charisma he is.”

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Imran Khan expressed hope that the PTI’s

‘Pakistan Breakfast At Davos’ serves delicious rotis from array of aata short in Pakistan

“w DAVOS

e are headed in the right direction , but the tandoori paratha lies [further] ahead,” Prime Minister Imran Khan told the guest ahead of him in the queue for the buffet that he was hosting as part of the World economic Forum (WeF) meet in Davos this week.

The highlight of the

morning meetup, entitled ‘Pakistan Breakfast At Davos 2020’, came when PM Khan personally unveiled the first lid of the breakfast buffet on Thursday which exhibited a wide range of Pakistani delicacies for the guests on the sidelines of the WeF. PM Khan who spoke on Pakistan’s economic development throughout the breakfast meetup, maintaining that the country was headed in the

right direction, also took pleasure in informing his guests that the breakfast menu for the day featured delicious Pakistani bread – naans, parathay, roti – from an array of aata that is currently short in the country.

“If you notice, each buffet dish with a form of bread labels the chakki and the kind of aata that the roti, paratha or naan has been made from. g

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parliamentary body in the KP Assembly would resolve it’s differences. “I hope Chief Minister…CM… ..CM… .whatever his name is, can win people over to his side.”. g

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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour.

The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL I M AG E O F T H E W E E K

Sunday, 26 January - 1 February , 2020

E D I TO R I A L

Transparency!

We can see that killer smile clearly now

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ITh the publication of Transparency International’s latest report, the last defence of the ruling party that it is not corrupt, at least -has been dismantled.

Or so people thought. Till they were reminded by the federal minister for climate change that the ruling party’s piece de resistance isn’t lack of corruption after all. It is the

premiere’s “killer smile.”

Now that we stand corrected, we best learn how to fend for ourselves. Because inflation has not only hit us, it has also hit the government officials whose palms we have have grease to get our due. More inflation, that is.

Yes, dear readers; times are tough if you don’t have a killer smile. Or a behTareen friend.

In this issue: the prime minister would rather not talk about the Uighurs. Or the

Chinese. Or the latest Transparency report.

The Council for Islamic Ideology has its job cut out for itself, because it has a lot of films to watch. Meanwhile, actor hamza Ali Abbasi is set to lecture Dallas, Texas on Islam.

And, finally, the Army Aviation Corps helicopter (Cobra) tutored some college kids for their Calculus exams but they remained critical of the military.

A thankless job, we tell you.. g

OPINION

We’re using IMF bailout funds to buy time from FATF

By Shaikh iMF

N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T

This originally started as a follow-up to the Op-Ed writer’s conversation with reporters on Wednesday, with the author in the middle of an exclusive interview with The Dependent insisting that this be converted into an Op-Ed piece.

The editorial board’s heart melted when the author insisted that he had taken ‘Abbu jee’s permission’ as well and that he really really wanted to see his article published in an actual newspaper. Some ‘big words’ have been used at the author’s insistence]

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here are so many positives as far as Pakistan is concerned that one doesn’t know where to begin from.

And even when one limits oneself to the realm of economy, there still are so many highlights that one can write an entire book on the past six months alone.

What wonderful six months they have been. I’m not saying this, it’s Moody’s that is saying this. It is the World Bank that is saying this. And of course, it is the International Monetary Fund that is saying this.

I always find it weird when I write or talk about the IMF. It feels as though I am talking out loud to myself. It would feel weird, no? Sort of like you liking your own comment on Facebook.

But apparently some people do it, so I could give it a shot as well.

In all honestly, I’ve been giving it more than a shot over the past nine months now. It’s beyond liking your own Facebook post. It’s beyond talking to your own self out loud. It is even beyond talking to yourself in the mirror.

In fact, so intense has this

phenomenon been that a hollywood psychological thriller can be based on my experience.

Think of Fight Club or even Karthik Calling Karthik. Oops, should have given the spoiler alert – even for decades old movies!

But if you’re upset about spoilers, you might not want to read on. Because what I’m going to spoil for you, is the government’s masterplan for wisely using its funds in the near future.

As I said above, there are so many positives that we have lost count. Not that we are particularly good with counting or numbers in general anyway, but over the past six months our inflows have been overwhelming.

Whether they are T-bills, FDIs, aids, loans, or just regular pocket money being flowing from one pocket to another, there is just so much money at our disposal now that we almost don’t know what to do with it.

A fellow government official, who I will not name, because that

too would be like talking to oneself, said that perhaps Pakistan should form a mini monetary fund of its own to lend money to others!

While that plan remains under consideration, what I can confirm will be happening is that we will be using some money to purchase some things. Now that money will come from the IMF and that thing will come from FATF. Yes, that thing is time. Yes, time – so precious, some say priceless. But that it is not. When it comes to buying time from the FATF, the price is pretty set and mutually agreed.

In fact, the currency that we get from the IMF is unique in so many ways. We will receive it in Afghanistan and Iran, and spend it in FATF and military supplies that in turn create the need for time from FATF and future assignments on the western front.

We just need to balance the IMF dollars and CPeC yuan – which we will talk about some other day!. g

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The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

TAMASHA 03

Sunday, 26 January - 1 February , 2020

Khoosat advised to endorse child marriage, wajib-ul-qatl fatwas in film ahead of Cii review

F CII to watch Razia Phans Gayi Ghundon Mein, Nach Kay Yaar Manana as film review warmup

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ISLAMABAD

he central censor board has agreed to host special screenings of 21st century Lollywood classics, including Razia Phans Gayi Ghundon Mein and Nach Kay Yaar Manana, as part of the build up to the Council of Islamic Ideology (CII) critically reviewing Sarmad Khoosat's directorial Zindagi Tamasha, Firdous Ashiq Awan confirmed on Thursday.

The Special Assistant to the Prime Minister on Information and Broadcasting told the media that the development comes after the CII had requested training samples to help them with the act of film

review and critique, which many of the council members had never done in their lives.

“Some have no film review experience other than giving their personal views to the person watching the movie with them – like we all do,” Awan said while talking to the media.

“Others believe that the whole process of actually going to watch the film is pointless, given that all films are haraam anyway,” she added.

The PM’s Advisor on Information and Broadcast further revealed that the CII members would actually sit through screenings of five films before reviewing Zindagi Tamasha.

“We felt that five films should be training enough. For that we have shortlisted five of the most significant Lollywood films of the past 20 years, including Razia Phans Gayi Ghundon Mein, Badmash Gujjar, Budha Bigra Jaye, Gunahon Ka Shehar and Nach Kay Yaar Manana,” Awan revealed.

“Nach Kay Yaar Manana as you might know was the highest grossing film of 2009. And the council is especially excited about Gunahon Ka Shehar as they look forward to finding out how the filmmakers’ interpretation of sinful surroundings compares to their owns,” she added. g

ISLAMABAD

riends, aides, supporters and well-wishers of director Sarmad Khoosat have advised him to squeeze in endorsements for child marriage and wajib-ul-qatl fatwas in Zindagi Tamasha ahead of the film’s review by the Council of Islamic Ideology (CII), The Dependent has reliably learnt.

Given the consensus among Khoosat’s entourage that the film in its existing form will definitely not be passed by the CII, it was felt that the film’s best shot would be to show scenes and ideals upheld by the council in a bid to get the green signal.

“Yes, endorsing child marriage, and using murderous edicts through religion, would sort of contradict the whole point

of making Zindagi Tamasha. But we’ve learnt the hard way that the film in its existing form is definitely not the one that radical elements would allow to be released in the country – radical here refers to those threatening, succumbing and reviewing,” said a member of the film’s production team while talking to The Dependent.

While advisers continue to push Khoosat as deadline looms, insiders reveal that the director finds the request itself outrageous.

“Some endorsement of genocide, ethnic cleansing, suicide bombing, bigotry against other religious communities, wholehearted misogyny – I mean something like this absolutely needs to go in to have any chance,” said another member of the Zindagi Tamasha team. g

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Masala TV license suspended after TLP not satisfied with French Toast recipe

Govt shortlists panel for attack on Zindagi tamasha screening

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he federal government has shortlisted the panel to attack the first public screening of Zindagi Tamasha, officials have informed The Dependent.

While the news that a member of the Tehrik-e-Labbaik Pakistan (TLP) would be a part of this panel has already been circulated, what hasn’t reached the media is the fact that a comprehensive group is being shortlisted to formalise the action against the Sarmad Khoosat directed film.

According to sources, the Information Ministry has decided that the Central Board of Film Certification (CBFC) will once again hold a screening of the film, with shortlisted candidates – including the TLP representative – participating in it.

“Whoever gets the most outraged and delivers the most violent and aggressive gestures

will be on the final panel incharge of finalising the attack on the film’s first proper screening,” revealed an official of the Information Ministry privy to the development. While it remains a government kept secret whether the entire panel would collectively launch the attack or if it will select the chosen one, what has been unveiled is that multiple groups would be represented in the panel so that no one feels left out.

“There were concerns among other stakeholders like the Lashkar-eTayyaba, Lashkar-e-Jhangvi, the Taliban factions, despite their differences, because they felt there is favouritism for the TLP,” a senior government official revealed.

“In fact, some members of ISIS have also expressed their interests, and set us their portfolios of similar explosive film takedowns in Iraq and Syria,” the official added.. g

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he Pakistan electronic Media Regulatory Authorty (Pemra) suspended on Thursday the license of popular cooking channel Masala TV after a committee of the Tehrik-e-Labbaik Pakistan (TLP) deemed the recipe for French Toast on one of the channel’s shows unsatisfactory.

“It’s not offensive or anything, just uninspiring,” read a circular issued by the TLP. “In this day and age, I would say that is offensive enough.”

“That done-todeath, simple egg, bread, sugar formula doesn’t work anymore,” it continued. “It’s too vanilla. Which is an irony, because a bit of vanilla essence would have made a huge difference.”

how about a bit of apple? how about just a little bit of batter on top? how about bran bread instead of white? how about baguettes instead of regular bread? We can’t keep putting up with this mediocrity anymore.”

The Sindh Police,

meanwhile, has said that Chef Gulzar has been moved to an undisclosed location to ensure his safety and that they are awaiting orders after the Sindh government announced that it will negotiate with the TLP on the issue..g

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“Shake things up a bit, Chef Gulzar! how about some cinnamon?

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

NATIONAL 05

Sunday, 19 - 25 January, 2020

‘Unfair to pin failures of govt leader on his selector,’ claims Fawad Chaudhry Army helicopters also coach ungrateful LUMS students for Calculus II exam

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FtEr rescuing a group of students belonging to the Lahore university of Management Sciences (LuMS) from a snowed in area of gilgit-Baltistan, a Pakistan Army helicopter is now teaching the ungrateful bunch for Calculus ii as well. the helicopter has been giving Calculus lessons twice a week in the evening after getting off from its day job in the army, to the ungrateful LuMS students that continue to not appreciate all of the services of the armed forces.

“What brats? Can you believe? the hero helicopter told the Dependent. “no please, no thank you, didn’t even look up from their phones and say

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‘thank you Pak Army.’ i didn’t even see the hashtag on any of their twitter accounts.”

“So i thought i would quiz them a bit and start off with one of my classic math jokes. i said, Alcohol and Calculus don’t mix well, don’t drink and derive” said the helicopter in the between peals of laughter. “it wasn’t even a math joke, just a pun, but i was shocked at how blank they were.

What do they even teach at university these days?” “i started asking a few questions, and it was pretty clear soon enough that they didn’t even know what integration was, let alone derivation” the helicopter said, shaking its head

roving his loyalty to those it must be proven, Federal Minister for Science and technology Fawad Chaudhry on thursday reiterated that it was unfair for the failures of the chief executive, the centre of power, the leader of government to be pinned on those who selected him to be in power.

While talking to the Dependent in an exclusive interview, Chaudhry said that if someone is performing poorly it is entirely their fault. “the government leader’s failure is not the fault of the selector. He himself is responsible for his performance and should step down,” Chaudhry said.

“the selector cannot deliver effectively without the support of the realm that the government leader is ruling over,” he added. raising questions over the performance of the government, the federal minister said that they had made promises with the people of change, accountability and good governance during the election campaigns but unfortunately nothing has changed. “the budget is so skewed between the selectors and selected. that is the core problem,” he added in continued bouts of honesty, confessing that those occupying important positions were not delivering. “the only change that is needed immediately is in the leader of the government,” Chaudhry maintained. g

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Sunday, 19 - 25 January, 2020

SPORTS

Shoaib Malik becomes first cricketer to play for Pakistan under six different iMF programmes

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in dismay. “it was typical behaviour from this generation. they kept giving silly answers like ‘we’re cold’ and ‘is there any food’ can you believe?” “i even tried to ask them easier questions like who is the defender of the country and who won all the wars, but zero response” that’s when i knew i had to step in” said the helicopter. “it has been a bit of a struggle, for starters, i couldn’t fit in through the classroom doors” said the 53 ft long, 13 ft tall, 10 ft wide, 2635 Kg Bell AH-1 Cobra with a slight blush. “But thankfully we got past that after the university knocked a hole in the wall for me. g

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ISLAMABAD

LAHORE

ontinuing to prove his longevity in the game, which has made him just the seventh man to play international cricket in four different decades, middle-order batsman Shoaib Malik on Friday also became the first cricketer to play for the national team under five different programmes of the international Monetary Fund (iMF).

By playing in the first t20i against Bangladesh at the gaddafi Stadium in Lahore, and scoring the match-winning half century, Malik played his first match of the latest iMF bailout programme which began in July last year. Former captain and experienced middleorder batsman Malik has previously played during five other iMF programmes.

Malik debuted in international cricket on october 1999, when he played his first oDi versus the West indies at a time when Pakistan was two years into the Extended Credit Facility from iMF. it was in the immediately following iMF programme of Standby Arrangement that Malik made his test debut in August 2001.

With a 111* against West indies in February 2002, Malik scored his first oDi century in his third iMF programme, during which Pakistan was being offered the Extended Credit Facility.

Malik’s tenure as the captain of the national side then coincided with the Standby Arrangement from 2008-2011, his fourth iMF programme. the former skipper played in his fifth iMF programme when he made the comeback into the national t20i side for the World t20i in 2014.. g

PSL continues to supply match-winning batting talent to national T20 side

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LAHORE

inALLy returning to winning ways in the shortest format with a five-wicket victory over Bangladesh at the gaddafi Stadium in Lahore on Friday, the national team once again had the Pakistan Super League to thank for its t20 triumphs.

Pakistan, which won a solitary t20i in all of 2019, looked a different side after PSL finds Mohammed Hafeez and Shoaib Malik – with the latter playing a match-winning,

unbeaten knock – added to the middle order. the inclusion of Hafeez and Malik, and the immediate impact they’ve made to the national side, has once again showcased how the PSL is continuing to supply world class, matchwinning batting talent to the Pakistan cricket team, cricket analysts say.

While two t20is of the three match series against Bangladesh were still remaining at press time, the visible difference created by the inclusion of the

PSL discoveries in the fortunes of the national team has further increased calls to incorporate similar talent in the upcoming series as well.

“PSL has given us batsmen like umar Akmal and Ahmed Shehzad who we tried to bud in during the previous home series against Sri Lanka,” a member of the Pakistan Cricket Board selection committee told The Dependent.

“Looking ahead we are aiming at bringing in Kamran Akmal who has also been a great discovery of the PSL,” he added.g

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Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.