CMYK
E R I
T A S
Sunday, 12 - 18 January, 2020 I Issue 153 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30
region cannot afford war, says foreign minister despite no one asking him
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oreIgN Minister Shah Mehmood Qureshi said on Wednesday that the region cannot afford yet another war. Speaking to himself in an empty room in the Foreign office, Qureshi said that the recent escalation of tensions between the United States and Iran should be reversed as it is in neither side’s interests. “Moreover, it is also not in
the interests of neighbouring countries like Pakistan, Afghanistan and Iraq,” he continued, passionately. “In fact, it is not in the interests of the entire world, specially in these precarious times of economic upheaval.” “I would like to urge all sides to exercise caution, restraint and take effective – and more importantly, clear – steps for deescalation,” he said to himself.
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“Furthermore, I would like to say-”, he continued before being interrupted. “Sir, we have guests over from rawalpindi,” said the Prime Minister’s Military Attaché. “We’re trying to get work done in the next room. Could you please lower your volume just a bit?” “In fact, why don’t you and the Prime Minister go to the Foreign office canteen downstairs for just a bit? I will collect you as soon as our guests are gone,” said the attaché. g
Army Act
Chief’s tenure to be extended as long as Pakistan shares border with afghanistan, india Deadline for PmL(N)-PPP-PtI-ANP merger extended to August 2020
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he deadline for the mergers of the Pakistan Muslim LeagueNawaz, Pakistan People’s Party, Pakistan Tehreek-eInsaf and Awami National Party has been extended till coming August due to lack of preparedness on part of the parties involved. “Yes, I know there is a delay on our part but we shall try our best to tie up all the loose ends on our party’s end by the new date,” said Khawaja Asif, of the PML-N. “But in the period prior to that, the government and even the PTI can count on our support.” “I am happy that all the political parties are on the same page when it
comes to matters of national security, like the extension of the tenure of our armed forces chiefs,” said Information and Broadcasting Minister Dr Firdous Ashiq Awan. “But since we are, Al-hamdulillah, a national security state, the political parties have decided to come together, because all issues are national security issues.” “Yes, there has been a delay because of the League and PPP, but this new extension of the deadline that has been given to us will help us,” she said. “We hope that by the first of August, the parties will be merged and we will celebrate a unified independence day.” g
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ISLAMABAD
oLLoWINg controversy cropping up over the drafting of services chiefs bills passed by parliament on Wednesday, with regards to the bills bestowing discretionary powers upon the president and failing to address the circumstances for any extension in tenure, the unpatriotic critics of the amendments were duly silenced on Friday. While clause 8A of the bill to amend the Pakistan Army Act 1952 underlines appointment of the Army chief, and 8B highlights reappointment and extension in tenure, those unnecessarily reading too much into the legislation passed this week were informed of the conditions that would necessitate the extension of the tenure of the Chief of Army Staff. It was noted on Friday
that given that the reason for extending the Army Chief’s tenure is to ensure continuity amidst security challenges in the region, and given that those security challenges exist simply because India and Afghanistan are the country’s neighbours, it can be determined that extension into the tenure of the CoAS would be there as long as Pakistan shares border with those countries.
Pm Khan instructs planet Earth to complete rotation around its axis within 24 hours
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ISLAMABAD
DDINg to his global significance and reach with every passing day, Prime Minister Imran Khan Wednesday asked planet earth to complete one rotation around its axis within an allotted time of 24 hours. “I have asked earth to rotate once in 24 hours with respect to the Sun and once every 23 hours, 56 minutes, and 4 seconds with respect to other, distant,
stars,” PM Khan tweeted. “I have also asked the earth’s axis of rotation to meet its surface at the North Pole and intersect its surface in Antarctica at the South Pole,” he added. According to diplomatic sources, the PM has also asked representatives of planet earth to meet their counterparts from other planets, and convey a clear message that the planet
was ready to play its role for peace by completing its rotation on time. Analysts see this as the latest manifestation of Imran Khan’s proactive diplomacy having now evolved from the leader of Pakistan to being the leader of the entire planet. “This shows the determination and self-belief of the man. Soon he will improve the relations with aliens,” noted senior analyst Moeed Pirzada. g
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“Today, all political parties of Pakistan have decided that the Army Chief of the country will have his tenure extended till Pakistan shares border with Afghanistan and India. This move alone is enough to defeat enemies of Pakistan and strengthen true democracy in the country,” said Special Assistant to Prime Minister on Information and Broadcast Firdous Ashiq Awan. g
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E D I TO R ’S N OT E the Dependent is a completely satirical publication. the articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. the Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK
02 OPINION&EDITORIAL I M AG E O F T H E W E E K
Sunday, 12 - 18 January, 2020
E D I TO R I A L
Slapgate #jesuiLucman
N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T You cannot sum up the status of the current government in one stat—...
a
slap on the face is a very personal thing. Those asking Mubasher Lucman not to take it personally have clearly never been slapped on the face. He can’t not take it personally; he can’t just forget it. Specially since the federal science minister also keeps calling him on the phone, saying, “Yaad hai, jab mayn ne tujhe chamata maara tha?” One thing that Lucman could
do is to join forces with his chaantu Sami ebrahim (Chaantu is the relation you have with a person who has also been slapped by someone who has slapped you). Together, these two can go see a lawyer and look at what legal options that they have. They best beware because the science minister is also a former lawyer and has connections in the bars. If they don’t have it in them to take revenge, perhaps they could just visit an Aamil Baba and slap
around a Fawad Voodoo doll. In this issue: the extension of the army chief is now till Pakistan shares borders with Afghanistan and India. The region cannot afford a war, insists a determined foreign minister despite not a soul asking for his views. Our productive prime minister has urged the earth to complete its rotation around the sun and has asked to be kept up-to-date about further developments in this project. g
OPINION
Let’s apply for Canadian immigration.
2010s – a decade of economic growth By Shaikh and dollar
Et tu, Fox?
[Editor’s Note: This is the fourth and final in a series of four decade-ending Op-Eds which have been jointly written by eminent figures from the country who have played a prominent role across the 2010s. The pieces recognise the state’s achievements across this decade, heading into the 2020s, with the co-authors having played major contributions in the successes. We have previously had Hafiz-eFATF & Ehsan-e-TTP writing on counterterror successes, Immy & Mush looking back at the decade of civilian supremacy and Mullah Burqa & Khadim Di Siri reviewing 10 years of upholding human rights.]
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e both agree that it is fitting that Mr Shaikh was at the helm of the country’s economy both at the start and end of the previous decade. We both also agree that without Mr Dollar’s contributions in the middle of the decade, the end result that you can all see could not have been achieved. And we both agree that The Dependent’s editorial board could not have picked two better figures to write about the decade of economic growth in the country and round off this fantastic series of tributes of the resounding successes of 2010s. We are both extremely grateful to have been given this opportunity not just to write for the esteemed Opinion page of The Dependent, but we are especially grateful that we got
this chance to do this collectively. For, even though we are politically inclined to criticise one another, there has historically been bundles and volumes of mutual respect amongst us. And through this piece we will not only underline how much we hold each other in high regard, but also highlight how identical our policies – which, after all, were the foundation of the fiscal triumphs that we are celebrating today – were across our separate tenures. It is true that there were fillers – some more painful than others – between the golden periods that the two of us spearheaded. However, the 2010s will be known as the decade of economic growth as much because of us as it is because of the similarities between us. For a moment, put aside the abovementioned fillers and just earmark September 2013
and July 2019 as the decisive moments of the previous decade. What you all witnessed in the 36 months after September 2013, you are now witnessing and will continue to witness up to a period of 39 months after July 2019. Similarly, what you witnessed after that 36-month period was over, is precisely what you will witness when this 39-month period is over. It is by repeating the same cycle that we will achieve the same success. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, and neither of us is anywhere close to being broke. What will be interesting to see is who writes this decade ending Op-ed for The Dependent at the end of the 2020s. Because we can assure you that the developments, the successes and the arguments would be the same – only the authors at the front would be different. g
SatirE
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK
NEWS 03 intern handling @iVeenaKhan 2:00-10:00 shift reprimanded for correct-ish grammar
Sunday, 12 - 18 January, 2020
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hafiq hassan, the intern handling @iVeenaKhan handling the 1400-2200 shift, was reprimanded on Monday for using correct grammar and cogent sentences. “Your professional output has been found to be unsatisfactory,” the official notice read. “Your usage of complete sentences, coupled with correct grammar is a sheer violation of the brief that you have been given.” a tweet was also attached to the circular, where she tweeted at
a journalist: “it’s rich to see a man known to have chosen to be Nawaz’s mistress is tweeting on ‘price’. Sir, the jab is as incoherent as your Sunday diarrhoea but as sometimes barking dogs also warrants a response. So here it is.” “Despite the one spelling mistake and grammatical error, it was completely out of character. “if you continue with this behaviour, there may be no course of action other than shifting you to another department,” he said. g
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Mubasher Lucman’s family transfers remaining amount to Fawad Chaudhry
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he family of television anchor Mubasher Lucman transferred to science minister fawad Chaudhry the amount on Saturday the remaining fifty percent of the amount settled between them. “thanks for executing the task that we had discussed on the 29th of last month,” read a text message from the family to the minister. “We
have sent the balance to your account; please confirm.” “Now that you have established a trust, we can now move on to the bigger task that we had hinted at,” continued the message. “the payment will be greater for that, of course.” “even though many have said that they would perform that task gladly, for free, but we
feel that this is a serious matter that requires someone who has demonstrated that he could be trusted with this sort of thing.” “We will text you a location where we can meet and discuss the specifics. Our only instruction: we don’t care if it is painful or painless; we only want it to be humiliating.” g
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04 POLITICS
Sunday, 12 - 18 January, 2020
Overenthusiastic President Alvi also signs toothache prescription underneath Army Act into law
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ISLAMABAD
Democratically elected party leader finally successful in years-long struggle against invisible forces
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DEMOCRATIC PARTY
fter a struggle that encompassed almost the entirety of the latter half of the previous decade, the democratically elected leader of the party that claims to be the largest in the populous democratic country, finally triumphed in his struggle against invisible forces trying to snatch his mandate away from him. the popularly elected president of the party, who came to the helm in 2017, has since been eying to implement his vision and policies, which the voters entrusted him to do. however, invisible forces inside his party and his family have since vied to undermine
democracy by replacing him with a selected leader, with the chief selector making decisions that didn’t come under his jurisdiction. analysts see this development as a refreshing triumph of democracy in a party where democratic norms have often taken the backseat and authoritarian rulers have dictated their interests, often trampling over the popular sentiments of the voters. Observers also believe that now with the democratically elected leader finally managing to implement his policies in the party that he rightfully, and democratically leads, the right precedent can be set for the future to help the party move on from its autocratic past and finally give respect to the vote. g
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hiLe waiting absolutely no time in undertaking the task that he feels he was born for, the President of the islamic republic of Pakistan Dr arif alvi also hurriedly signed a medical prescription into law, The Dependent has reliably learnt. having got all dressed up in his favourite all whites for the big day, seated in his favourite clinic chair to pass the three bills concerning the tenure of the three services chiefs, President alvi ended up putting his signature to the Pakistan army (amendment) Bill 2020, the Pakistan air force (amendment) Bill 2020, the Pakistan Navy (amendment) Bill 2020 and a toothache prescription underneath the papers. as a result where clause 8a of the Pakistan army act 1952, for instance, reads, “the president shall, on the advice of the prime minister, appoint a general as chief of army
staff, for a tenure of three (03) years,” and clause 8B says, “the president, on the advice of the prime minister, may reappoint the COaS for additional tenure of three(03) years,” the temporarily deemed clause 8C asks for, “1 tablet painkiller advil, antibiotic augmentin 625 mg 2 tablets daily, reduce refined sugar intake, floss and brush teeth twice a day with fluoride toothpaste and interdental cleaning”. even though the legal nature of what continues to be called clause 8C of the Pakistan army
act is yet to be ascertained, given that the toothache prescription wasn’t passed by the Parliament, some legal analysts maintain that it now holds the status of a presidential ordinance. Politically analysts note that this is the latest Constitutional crisis to hit the country. “More than a bit surprised by the clause 8C of army act amendment bill signed by the president. While it may give stronger teeth to those whose tenure it is extending, it would render the institution toothless,” noted Senior Lawyer Salman akram raja. g
Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK
NATIONAL 05
Sunday, 12 - 18 January, 2020
‘Sorry if my chants calling for ethnic cleansing hurt anyone’s feelings,’ antiSikh protestor apologises
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NANKANA SAHIB
FTer being arrested for threatening to vandalise the gurdwara nankana sahib and cleansing the town of sikh population, antisikh bigot imran Chishti released a heartfelt apology on Monday. in a heart-warming video message Chishti has rendered an unconditional apology for getting carried away in letting his inner most self out. “i completely lost control
‘all parliamentary procedures followed while humiliating ourselves,’ Bilawal reassures supporters
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AKisTAn People’s Party (PPP) Chairperson Bilawal Bhutto Zardari on Wednesday reassured his party’s supporters and ‘those battling for parliamentary supremacy’ that the PPP ensured that all parliamentary procedures were followed in the national Assembly and senate before the two houses collectively humiliated themselves. Taking to Twitter, after the amendment to the Pakistan Army Act was successfully passed Bilawal reminded critics of the development of the triumphs that they were overlooking. “When i landed in islamabad the PML-n & PTi had agreed to humiliate themselves, ignoring us, and more importantly the
of myself and allowed my innermost feelings to come out. in the moment i forgot that it was a bigoted, islamo-supremacist attack on a holy site of a religious minority and not a therapy session,” Chishti said in the video message. “it is entirely my fault for which i wholeheartedly apologise. i just began completely echoing the teachings of local mullahs and their sentiments regarding non-
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Muslims in Pakistan,” he added. Chishti maintained that he was especially sorry for hurting the feelings of the community he targeted, reiterating that it was completely unacceptable. “Calling for ethnic cleansing of any community is so inappropriate. it’s no way to talk really. i am sorry if my chants calling for the complete elimination of the community hurt anyone’s feelings,” the anti-sikh protestor added. g
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Sunday, 12 - 18 January, 2020
‘Don’t participate in any war that takes away int’l cricket again,’ pleads cricket-starved nation
Micromanager Misbah planning weddings for domestic players during international break AKisTAn head coach and chief selector Misbah-ulHaq, who also serves as the batting consultant of the national team, and is the head coach of the Pakistan super League (PsL) franchise islamabad united, is taking the ongoing break between the sri Lanka and Bangladesh tours to help domestic players settle down in their lives, The Dependent has reliably learnt. sources close to the coach-selector-matchmaker reveal that Misbah feels that with the international team currently enjoying a break from national duty he had way too much free time
parliamentary procedure, by not even circulating the humiliation to all members or sending it for committee oversight,” the PPP chairperson tweeted. “i’m pleased that it was agreed that the humiliation passed through nA committee, was reviewed by senate committee, and followed procedure of both houses. This is a positive that parliament that has been dormant for over a year woke up to humiliate itself.” “All institutions that derive powers from humiliating us have asked us to do it to ourselves, accepting parliamentary supremacy. These are important victories for those who have always battled for parliamentary supremacy and democracy. For, we followed all parliamentary procedures while humiliating ourselves.” g
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06 SPORTS
LAHORE
ISLAMABAD
which wasn’t being dedicated to the betterment of Pakistan cricket. “Continuing to dedicate all his multiple lives to Pakistan cricket, Misbah clearly feels unproductive during the international break when he cannot micromanage the national team. Therefore, he has decided to be more productive by micromanaging the fringe players and the domestic cricketers who have yet to become a part of the national setup in his tenure,” an aide of Misbah-ul-Haq said while talking to The Dependent. “With this being the wedding season, Misbah thought best to help with wedding planning and matchmaking for local cricketers to help facilitate them in all aspects of their lives,” the source added. g
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ISLAMABAD/LAHORE/KARACHI/ PESHAWAR/QUETTA
ssuing a reminder to the civil-military leaderships of the country of what transpired the last time Pakistan decided to participate in an external war in the region, the nation took to the streets on Friday to urge the state not to go down the same path again. Carrying banners and chanting slogans against war, the demonstrators told the rulers that they are willing to sacrifice whatever the state demands so as to ensure that it doesn’t take part in any mission or undertake any more that takes away international cricket from the country again. ‘say no to War!” read a banner carried by a protestor outside gaddafi stadium. “Don’t participate in any war that takes away international cricket again!” read another poster outside
national stadium Karachi. While talking to The Dependent, protestors across the nation said that they are willing to accept any policymaking, but won’t let the state participate in such a war again. “They can destroy the economy, they can take away our rights, they can make a mockery of our vote, but we will not let them take cricket away from us,” said natasha Javaid, a student and captain of her university’s cricket team.
“This year, all Pakistan super League matches will be held in Pakistan. Any policy that takes even one over, let alone an entire series or tournament, away from Pakistan will see nationwide protests unparalleled in the country’s history,” vowed Hassan Qayyum, another cricket enthusiast. “We will only let our soil be used for cricket!” read another poster in Quetta. g
Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.