TD Issue 152

CMYK

E R I

T A S

Sunday, 05 - 11 January, 2020 I Issue 152 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30

Cabinet draft bill extends maximum age limit for army chief to ‘hamesha salaamat rahein’

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ISLAMABAD

n an urgent meeting on Wednesday, the federal cabinet approved proposed amendments to the Constitution and the army act to fulfil the legislative requirements of the extension under discussion in the wake of the Supreme Court’s order. having been asked by the apex court ‘to remove ambiguity

in rules on the issue of extension’, the cabinet has decided to extend the maximum age limit for army chief to ‘hamesha salaamat rahein’. “according to the amendment, the maximum age limit will be ‘hamesha salaamat rahein’ and this will be applicable to the actual age of the individual in question and the number of years of extension in his term,” a cabinet member

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told The Dependent.

The decision to approve the proposed amendments was made in the federal cabinet’s meeting held on a single-point agenda of ‘extension without any stumbling blocks’. “no questions over supremacy, sovereignty, intrainstitution relations and interests of the state, or the inhabiting people therein, should ever become a factor in taking the most obvious decision for the betterment, progress and

continuity of the country,” reads a section of the draft bill, a copy

of which is available exclusively with The Dependent. g

Scared stiff, continuity-phobic india changing army chiefs in desperation NEW DELHI

Explosive new book says Nawaz Sharif attempted to take over government in 2016

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n explosive new book posits that former Prime Minister nawaz Sharif attempted to become Prime Minister in 2016.

In his new book The Battle for Pakistan: The Bitter US Friendship and a Tough Neighborhood, acclaimed author Shuja nawaz posits that back in 2016, former premiere nawaz Sharif attempted to become prime minister back when he was prime minister.

“Sharif’s attempts to take over the federal government with the powers of a chief executive of sorts have been verified by multiple, independent sources,” nawaz writes in the book.

“This was not unprecedented or out of character,” writes nawaz, who is also the author of Crossed Swords: Pakistan, Its Army and the Wars Within. “In his previous tenure as prime minister, he also attempted a takeover of the federal government.

But then, this is something that was also attempted by the late Benazir Bhutto as well, when she was prime minister.”

“This gives credence to the theory that the military is forced to intervene when the civilians begin to get airs and start behaving as if they are democratically elected prime minister.” g

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avIng been conclusively beaten on all possible military domains in the year 2019, especially on the public relations battle front, the self-admittedly insecure and scared stiff Indian army has been forced to change its chief in sheer desperation. as general Manoj Mukund naravane took charge as the Chief of army Staff, succeeding general Bipin Rawat, heading into 2020, new Delhi has announced in front of the world how its army has been made to submit excretion in its proverbial lowers, out of sheer fear enforced upon it by its archenemy, and counterparts, from across the Line of Control (LoC).

Expert analysts on South asian security, largely from the retired neutrality of this side of the LoC, note that

the decision to change the chief amidst ongoing military challenges underlines India’s ‘continuity-phobia’ and its ‘acceptance of defeat’ against Pakistan.

“Oh this is India’s acceptance of getting its backside kicked by us in February 2019, just like they have always had in the past 73 years. The Indian army has accepted defeat; it has

Entire parliament has put faith in Mian Sb’s choice for COAS: Marriyum Aurangzeb

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hIS is one of the golden moments in the history of the Pakistan Muslim League (nawaz) as the entire political class has put its faith in nawaz Sharif’s choice for army chief, said Marriyum aurangzeb on Friday.

“This is yet another instance of the entire nation realising the sagacity and wisdom of Mian Muhammad nawaz Sharif,” said Marriyum aurangzeb, while address in a press conference.

“The League has not changed its policy at all and has stuck to the decision Mian Saheb made on 26th november, 2016,” she said.

“We won’t be petty about this, we won’t gloat while all the political parties agree in parliament that we were right,” she said. “Would the other political parties be embarrassed? I don’t know.

Maybe. But we will not, under any circumstances, embarrass them by bringing it up.” g

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surrendered. Just ask any Bollywood celebrity or South asian stray dogs, who have been regularly kept informed by our one-man information army,” a retired lieutenant general said while talking to The Dependent, requesting that his name be kept anonymous because how it was irrelevant and that the former designation should suffice. g

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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour.

The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL I M AG E O F T H E W E E K

Sunday, 05 - 11 January, 2020

E D I TO R I A L

Nothing to see here Kindly move along

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eAR reader, there has been no scandal involving an influential media personality. There has been absolutely no blocking of the news by mainstream news organisations as a result of some sort of perverse omerta.

The media has been very critical of itself ever since the inception of the country. The papers have been more than honest not just about themselves but also about

the others in the Fourth estate.

We feel the proliferation of such rumours are as much an attack by the establishment on the freedom of the press as rogue journalist unions making unreasonable and impractical demands like asking for salaries every month.

Nothing to see here. No, please. Move along.

In this issue: the cabinet has finally set an age limit for the army chief, with a measure of exactitude. There PML-N

celebrates the consensus, across the political class, that Nawaz Sharif’s decision of appointing the current army chief was correct. Across the border, the nervous, jittery Indian military keeps changing its chiefs after their terms complete.

Also, till the filing of this editorial, a sentence started by commentator and former test cricketer Rameez Raja still hasn’t reached its conclusion. That is a developing story…. g

OPINION

2010s – a decade of counterterror successes N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T

By Hafiz-e-faTf & eHsan-e-TTP [Editor’s Note: This is the third in a series of four decade-ending Op-Eds which are being jointly written by eminent figures from the country who have played a prominent role across the 2010s.

The pieces will recognise the state’s achievements across this decade, heading into the 2020s, with the co-authors having played major contributions in the successes. Last time we had Immy & Mush looking back at the decade of civilian supremacy, which followed Mullah Burqa & Khadim Di Siri looking reviewing 10 years of upholding human rights.]

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he moment the kind editors at The Dependent asked us for this decade-ending Op-ed to sum up our successes in the 2010s, we jumped at the opportunity. Of course, both of us are state guests these days and have little to do other than wait for the state to typically dodge itself out of whatever minor inconvenience international bodies might be creating for it. So, what better way to pass the time than write for the most eminent newspaper in the country!

To be honest both of us feel that we’ve contributed to the country’s development on many fronts – from PR to politics, for instance – but of course we have been the most triumphant on the counterterrorism front. And as long as our successes continue to

be synonymous with the state’s successes it would continue to mean that the state is in safe hands. The same hands that keep us safe and secure as well.

To be honest, we’ve never really felt that Pakistan is not safe. This is all international propaganda and conspiracies against the country. We’ve always been well protected, nay guided by the state, for which we perform our mutually agreed duties.

Pakistan’s counterterror successes can best be summed up by the proverbial social contract that the two of us and others have with the state. As you all would’ve seen and observed in recent times, this contract is binding on both the parties to such an extent that the state has dealt with pressure from all kinds of countries, and all kinds of terror watchdogs to fulfil its obligations as a proverbial signatory.

Now what does this social

contract say and what do the two signatories do as part of the agreement. The answer to that is pretty simple: we take care of anti-state elements.

These anti-state elements could be within the state or without. These elements are defined by their antagonism to the ideals that we, the two coauthors of this piece, espouse more than any opposition to the state itself.

So now let us come to the point, dear readers.

You know how successful we were in the 2010s, now you need to play your part in making us successful in 2020s.

What you need to do is that whenever you see someone who professes ideals and beliefs contradictory to those of ours, be quick to label them as anti-state and then let the state take the due action.

You can play the role in the hybrid warfare that we played in conventional warfare all these years. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

PHILOSOPHY 03

Sunday, 05 - 11 January, 2020

‘this too shall pass’, says philosophical customs officer pointing to suspicious looking cargo box

M ‘Yeh awaam issi qaabil hai,’ says awaam

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ISLAMABAD/LAHORE/KARACHI/ PESHAWAR/QUETTA

ULTiPLE disjointed subsets of the national populace Thursday declared that the set of the populace deserved exactly what it was getting, The Dependent has reliably learnt. however, by maintaining that ‘yeh awaam issi qaabil hai’, each individual subset cited its biased, skewed and rose-tinted version of enforced efficacious causality between certain predicaments, and their perceived roots, found within the abovementioned set.

Each subset of individuals in question also seemed to simultaneously suggest in the proclamation that it is not the whole set that deserved it. “of course, when we speak of the set deserving what it gets, it is the complementary set that remains once the subset – which in this case is you and i – is subtracted from the whole set,” noted shopkeeper Basheer abid while speaking to his friend and customer asim Jamil.

“Therefore, if the awaam is the given set U, with a as its subset – constituting Basheer

abid and asim Jamil – the ‘awaam’ in ‘yeh awaam issi qaabil hai’ is absolute complement of a i.e. the set of elements in U, but not in a, hence everyone other than the two of us,” said abid, whose actual words have been translated into the philosophical complementary set theory for better ease of understanding. at press time, both abid and Jamil were informed that they too belonged to the a complementary set, contradicting mathematical logic, but perfectly fitting its philosophical counterpart. g

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Sunday, 05 - 11 January, 2020

Surf Excel hires Usman Buzdar in response to Ariel ad campaign

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Will say ‘Surf’ instead of ‘ariel’ at last moment in next video, Waseem akram quietly informs London bookie

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oMEnTs after curiously letting two successive red and white coloured 92 x 38 x 18 inch cargo boxes pass through the international arrivals Terminal of Jinnah international airport Karachi sans probe, senior customs officer, hamid aziz, also let a third red and white coloured 92 x 38 x 18 inch cargo box without ordering its inspection.

The decision, described by aziz’s colleagues, as the latest curious move of the veteran customs officer’s long and illustrious career in the field, was taken during the early hours of Thursday morning, making it ‘at least the ninth suspicious looking cargo item’ that he had let go this week without inspection.

“This too shall pass,” was

aziz’s reply to the question, “why aren’t we checking this, sir?” which had clearly demanded the reason behind the move and not the direction of the move. “it was clearly a case of ignoratio elenchi, an informal fallacy, underlining the lack of correlation between the query and the response,” noted shahbaz Karim, aziz’s subordinate.

Eyewitnesses confirm that aziz’s customs team are known for their penchant for philosophy, led by aziz, who describes himself as a ‘custom philosopher’, often leading stimulating conversations during cargo inspection. “hope for the best but prepare for the worst,” aziz told Karim after being inquired about the latter’s cut in this particular order, with the self-avowed custom philosopher underlining the ephemeral nature of the hitherto arrangement. g

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04 BUSINESS

riCKET legend Waseem akram on sunday discreetly phoned scott Marley, a bookie on London’s high street north, to tell him that he was going to endorse ‘surf’ instead of ‘ariel’ which was paying for a series of faux cell phone videos.

“They’ve released the teasers again, which i will be asking my fans not to release,” he told Marley.

KARACHI

ashing powder brand surf Excel has hired Punjab Chief Minister Usman Buzdar in response to a recent ad campaign launched by their primary competitors, ariel. according to details, surf Excel wanted to counter the star power of ariel’s brand ambassador, for Pakistan Captain Wasim akram, with a similar figure that inspires awe, love, admiration and has a fan base that will attract customers.

“ariel has had Wasim akram on board for a long time now, and we’ve been taking a beating thanks to their whole ‘hoo hoo’ thing, and how catchy it is” a senior executive at surf Excel Pakistan told The Dependent.

“We have been wanting to counter his influence for some time now, but it just seemed impossible. Who could possibly match Wasim akram?”

“But with the Chief Minister

on our team, we are confident that this recent attempt by ariel is going to prove a death blow to themselves. as soon as we launch a ‘hidden’ camera video of Usman Buzdar, the competition will be blown away” he went on to say.

“Mr Buzdar is younger, more dynamic, sexier, and just has that extra oomph factor that even Wasim bhai can’t match.

They don’t stand a chance.” g

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“in the next video, right when i’m about to say ariel, i will say surf.” “no one will suspect it, the odds on this would be wild,” he said. “Just remember: the same cut as i used to get.”

“Been so many years and i still miss this so much,” the sultan of swing said to himself after hanging up. “aah! good to be back in the game,” he exclaimed. g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

CMYK

WAR & ENTERTAINMENT 05

Sunday, 05 - 11 January, 2020

india on high alert after South asia’s deadliest ballistic missile announces its launch

t Script for Balochistan-based Ayesha Omar-Shamoon Abbasi starrer Dhai Chaal goes missing

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UNDISCLOSED LOCATION

FTeR actor Ayesha Omar recently revealed she has a new film project lined up in the shape of Dhai Chaal, a thriller based in balochistan, the script for the movie has gone mysteriously missing, sources close to the development have informed The Dependent.

The Bulbulay actor had revealed that she will be joined

by Shamoon Abbasi in Dhai Chaal, based in balochistan, in which she will “play a journalist

who’s trying to give the real picture of what’s happening.” however, the cast and the crew have been left confused after all hard and soft copies of the film’s script went missing in the middle of the shoot this week.

“The cast, crew and the film as a whole wanted to highlight what is happening. but obviously there was a point that was missing,” said a member of the film’s production while speaking to The Dependent.

The filmmakers are

B

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Sunday, 05 - 11 January, 2020

Longsighted cricketer staying in fine line between franchise contracts and national team selection

Painfully long ramiz raza sentence still has 12 more words to go lISSFullY unaware that it still had over a tenth of its mass to gain, the then 105-word painfully long Ramiz Raja sentence, while still in the process of completion, had another 12 words to go.

Visibly upset, after being duly informed at the sidelines of the cricket coverage that it was still being forced to grow for no intelligible or logical reason, the Ramiz Raja sentence appeared to have lost all hope by the time it had reached 111 words.

“Oh yay triple one, a Nelson. I

he entire Indian security machinery was given a shakeup at 5:08 am (India Standard Time) on december 28, after it was revealed that the detonation of the South Asia’s deadliest nuclear-armed ballistic missile had been initiated in Pakistan.

What made the gruesome reality all the more menacing for the entire country of India is that the nuclear war threat was made by none other than the nuclear-armed intercontinental ballistic missile (ICbm) himself.

According to the war threat made loudly on a social media platform, the ICbm in question – whose application has broadened

to include shorter-ranged nonnuclear tactical, theatrical and musical missiles – the weapon will be detonating ‘soon’.

“There was a sigh of relief when it didn’t come out on New Year’s – which is what majority of us had been expecting – but with hours and days passing, the fear is only enhancing,” a senior Indian military officer said while talking to The Dependent.

Indian Army officials maintain that by not announcing its time of explosion, the ICbm has redefined nuclear warfare, which is now clearly tilted in Pakistan’s favour.

With India adopting the No First use policy that Pakistan hasn’t, analysts believe that after the launch of Taher Shah, New delhi can justify detonating dhinchak Pooja. g

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06 SPORTS

COMMENTARY BOX

especially surprised at the development given that the film was going to focus on Kulbhushan Jadhav, the self-confessed agent of the Indian spy agency Research & Analysis Wing (RAW) and how chaos was being brought in the region to damage Pakistan’s relations with China.

“And yet there must have been an anti-state element somewhere in there that had to be lifted and dumped,” another member of the Dhai Chaal team added. g

NEW DELHI

hope Nelson puts an end to this, if Ramiz does not,” the Ramiz Raja sentence expressed while talking to itself, still searching for the elusive full-stop.

Speaking to the media after its much-awaited culmination, the Ramiz Raja sentence said there were multiple moments during its formation that it felt on the verge of completion.

“I kept telling myself, ‘now there’s a perfectly good time for a full-stop’, ‘no, no, no need for a big word,’ or ‘yes, the pause was long, but it doesn’t need anything fancy,’ but he just wouldn’t shut up,” the sentence told the media. g

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CRICKET LEAGUE

mbued with determination to do the best possible for his playing career, a longsighted cricketer under the spotlight has decided to formulate the perfect strategy to progress in the field.

In an exclusive interview with The Dependent, the longsighted cricketer not only revealed the strategy, but also advised youngsters with a similar frame of mind and ambitions to follow the same plan of action.

“It’s a fine line between getting franchise contracts, ideally in as many leagues as possible, and watching it all go down the drain with a national team callup,” the cricketer said.

“Now the catch here is that you need to do well enough to ensure that you get signed up by franchises, but not too well so as to be selected by your national team which would mean you missing up on playing for many of those franchises,” he added.

The longsighted cricketer was especially critical of the approach

many cricketers are taking with regards to this conundrum.

“A lot of these wait till the twilight of their career to retire from national sides and then play for the franchises in whatever time is left of them physically. And then there are some who ridiculously take retirement from Tests to play franchise cricketer – I mean talk about revealing your mercenary side out in the open!” he said.

“Ideally you should master the abovementioned fine line like I have, but if you can’t, at least make sure you don’t stand out as a world class batsman or bowler. become a bit-time allrounder ideally with big-hitting skills. That way even in the worst-case scenario you will only be selected for the T20Is by your national side – although best to avoid any contract with the national board altogether!” g

Satire

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.