CMYK
E R I
T A S
Sunday, 01 - 07 December, 2019 I Issue 147 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30
Govt given 6 months to codify its subordination
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ISLAMABAD
N a verdict on Thursday, the government was given a six-month period to codify its subordination. The verdict came at the end of three days of proceedings after the original notification declaring the government’s subordination was found ‘illegal’ on Tuesday.
The original notification had been issued in August. The order, which had been challenged in a petition, turned out to be one of many errors committed by the government’s legal team leading to the notice’s suspension. It was further found that the government had tried to rush in its subordination without due legal procedure. It was pointed out that the government’s
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notification, neither the original nor the revised order it had passed this week, clarified its position on supremacy, subordination or sovereignty – the issues that the notification looks to underline. It was further revealed that the acts, rules and clauses, which the government had been relying on, did not explicitly mention the procedure of the government establishing its subordination. As a result, the government
has been six months to pass the needed amendments so as to codify its subordination, along with legitimising and systemising the procedure for the civilian governments to follow.
The government was told that in this six-month period it would be considered at its default subordinate position, until such a stipulation is legislated over in the given time. g
CPEC now number one corridor in world, China told ISLAMABAD/BEIJING
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he China Pakistan economic Corridor (CPeC) is now the number one corridor in the world, Islamabad informed Beijing this week. The development comes after a year of speculation over the project and its future, with Islamabad conveying to Beijing that not only is everything back on track, it is also more secure than ever before. According to well-placed sources, Beijing had been under the illusion that the $62 billion China Pakistan economic Corridor was its number one overseas investment in history, but Pakistani officials have conveyed it to their Chinese counterpart that nothing about CPeC had been number one – until this week.
Continuation of policy should not have to depend on any one officer: Ehsanullah Ehsan
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he institutions of this country are more than professional and a continuation of their policies, even in the most precarious of circumstances, shouldn’t have to depend on any one individual officer. These were the views of ehsanullah ehsan, as conveyed exclusively to The Dependent from an undisclosed location. “At the end of the day, it’s all about the institutions and its policies,” he said, while helping himself to a bunch of grapes. “Consider, say, the policy of Strategic Depth. Will it still stay in place? If yes, then why fret on
any one particular officer?” “The admirable system of internal accountability and not letting outsiders have a look at the books? If that’s around, then don’t worry,” he said. “Much like Churchill, after looking inspecting the damage done to London by the German blitz, asked whether the courts were working and, upon hearing an answer in the affirmative, he said then we have nothing to worry about, I would like to say that if these things remain unchanged, we have nothing, really to worry about. The professionalism of our institutions should see through any storm.” g
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ISLAMABAD
he Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf government faced yet another embarrassing moment when, in the newly drafted government summary, it granted an extension to former chief of army staff General Jehangir Karamat instead. The government is still to pass a legislation in the parliament about the nature of extensions for military chiefs, but presented the new summary to the court nonetheless.
“We told them that the previous government that claimed to inaugurate CPeC didn’t make it number one. In fact, a lot of domestic, regional and even global crises erupted just because the previous government didn’t let CPeC become number one,” the Adviser to Prime Minister for Commerce and Investment
Another gaffe as newly-drafted govt summary accidently grants extension to Jehangir Karamat instead “Well, I suppose it’s alright as long as the government passes the legislation as was instructed by the court,” remarked Justice Mansoor Ali Khan. “But this choice is a bit odd, given how the government was only just claiming that it was the last fellow who was indispensable.” “h-he...he is, M’ Lord,” replied a non-plussed Attorney General Anwar Mansoor Khan. “What seems to be…
.oh...oh my God...Farogh, you dumb piece of...oh, sorry M’Lord, sorry.” When contacted, the former four-star general said, “Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.” “Now, if you fellows excuse me, I have my Armoured Corps C-type uniform ready. I mean I wear it everyday in the evenings for dinner, but to get it more ready than ready.” g
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Abdul Razak Dawood told The Dependent. “Unfortunately, our Chinese friends were under the illusion that CPeC is number one. When we told them that’s not the case, they got a bit upset. But then we promised that we will make it number one – and now we have,” Dawood added. g
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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK
02 OPINION&EDITORIAL I M AG E O F T H E W E E K
Sunday, 01 - 07 December, 2019
E D I TO R I A L
Procedural for the epidural t
Paperwork glitch, nothing to see here, move along he recent drama over the issue of the extension was caused by nothing more than some lowly bureaucrat not being meticulous enough to dot the Is and cross the Ts. That’s it. Not one political commentator in the country seems to have any other opinions. Because the government of the day, ever committed to defending the
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country against foreign aggressors, cannot even think of appointing anyone other than the absolute best man for the job. The JAG branch of the military is also going to help the civil government in making the case that there is no one currently in service, absolutely no one, who could take on this mantle. No one. Not a soul.
In this issue: Whatever happens, there should be a continuity in policy, says ehsanullah ehsan and we agree with him. The prime minister has asked if he could go dutch over a meal with the visiting queen of the Netherlands, who was also, we assume, making eyes at the premiere. The prime minister inaugurates Babar Azam and it was about time. g
OPINION
excited to be a judge on indian idol 11. Jai Hind!
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By Bharat-Bound Bhai
would like to begin my article by thanking this great media house, The Dependent, for putting Bhai the singer back on the map. Yes, I know I have a cult following when it comes to my singing and anything related to my voice. But I felt that some of the people had forgotten just how divine the tones that I touch used to be. In that regard, the video shared by The Dependent recently wasn’t just a reminder to those who had become oblivious to the melody in my voice, it was also a reminder of the reality that many had deliberately chosen to overlook – that I am a sexy beast. But more than underlining my melodies or sexiness, or even putting me on the map for singing, what The Dependent really has done is helped me fulfil my dream. Well two dreams, in fact. The first dream is one that I’ve held since the turn of the century – the dream of singing in Indian idol. The second dream is one that I’ve had since before the turn of the century – the dream of relocating to India. And now I’ll hit two birds with one note, thanks almost entirely to The Dependent. I would like to share the great news here first, dear readers, which makes you the first lot to find out the greatest thing that has ever happened in the realm of political-entertainment in all of South Asian history. Yes, some of you might have guessed it, and you’ve guessed right. I will be joining Indian idol, which will pave my way towards permanent Indian residency and citizenship, like my good friend Major Sami. Not only that, I am super excited to share with you that I am not only participating in the Indian Idol, Season 11, I’ll be doing so as a judge! Yes, I’ll be on the judges’
panel for the remainder of the season. And you know what that means! I’ll just be singing my heart out every opportunity that I get as a judge – in fact the producers have specifically asked me to do it as much as possible, they say it makes for great TV and the highest of TRPs. I’m told that I will be coming in place of Anu Malik. And given the reasons and circumstances that led to his departure, the show, the producers and the TV network have nothing to worry
about from me on that front. Also, it needs to be said that this is a great time to be a judge in India. With the Ayodha verdict and all, any judge would be celebrity, whether or not they are a rock star on a prime time TV show. These might be exciting times for me, but I must reiterate that none of this means that I have forgotten the MQM. It will now erupt in India. The only difference being that at least one of the two Ms would stand for ‘Music’. g
Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK
SOCIETY 03
Sunday, 01 - 07 December, 2019
Schadenfreudian jerk wakes up at 5am every morning to watch battering of same 11 guys
C ‘Successful social experiment confirmed social experiments don’t work,’ Ali Rehman Khan reveals
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LAHORE
CTOr and social media experimenter ali rehman Khan took to Twitter to share the great news, conclusively revealing that he has been successful in finding lack of success. In a video message, the actor who was seen misbehaving with an employee at a fast food restaurant in a social experiment, confirmed ‘his side of the story’ on the social media platform sharing ‘what happened there’. “We have been seeing all
these social experiments, so we just wanted to find out whether they work. Turns out they don’t,” said the Parchi actor. “I just wanted to let you guys know that we did a social experiment, the aim of which was to raise awareness on social experiments. and I can confirm that they absolutely do not serve their supposed goals – especially when conducted horrendously,” he added. ali rehman Khan confirmed that the initial idea was to launch a movement against the #TumJaanteHoMaiKonHun
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04 NATIONAL
Fifth Gen War platoon makes daring escape from comments section filled with pro-democracy commentators
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platoon within the Fifth Generation Warfare Corps of the security forces made a daring escape from a comments section filled with pro-democracy commentators. “The enemy was everywhere,” said Captain Pak4life. “However, we remained calm and exited the situation.” “The enemy was very well entrenched in the area,” she said, referring to the comments section on the youTube upload of the trailer of the new Khalil-urrehman Qamar film Kaaf Kangana. “Our position was very
culture. “But unfortunately most of the people actually had no idea who I was, so the whole ‘tum jaante ho mai kon hun’ wasn’t workable – not with me at least,” the actor said. In a follow up tweet ali rehman Khan further confirmed that the experiment on whether or not social experiments work, eventually became a self-discovery movement. “Social experiments can be tricky at best. and at worst they can make you look like a douchebag,” he added. g
weak there. That much was sure after the first exchange of fire. They were heavily armed and were quite the juggatbaaz.” “However, before exiting the area, we managed to get a couple of words in,” she continued. “To no avail, however, as even those managed to make things worse.” “luckily, our other colleagues from our other arms would be helpful in this regard, as one of the enemies was posting from his own actual name. let’s see how his juggats stand against the Vigo 4-by-4 parked outside his house, say, right about now,” she concluded, looking at her watch. g
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SIALKOT
learly with little else going on his life, schadenfreudian jerk asim Maqbool, 32, wakes up at 5 am every morning for the sole purpose of watching a group of men being battered. eyewitnesses confirmed around noon on Sunday that Maqbool had woken up at 5 am sharp every day from Thursday keenly observing 11 guys being beaten up by 11 other guys till early afternoon. It was further observed, onlookers confirmed, that this peculiar early morning ritual was designed based on the group being beaten not the one doing the beating. “The way he is invested in the whole thing, he feels he’s an active participant. Hence the schadenfreude actually borders on sadism,” said Maqbool’s girlfriend Hadia Mehmood, 28,
currently pursuing a Masters in Philosophy at rutgers University, New Brunswick in the US. anthropologists confirm that Maqbool’s bizarre ritual was a regular practice in ancient times, but is rarely seen among any known tribes anymore. “Only a few scattered individuals in the region practice this ritual, which in the previous century was a form of propitiatory offering, or expiation,” Jason Kamilar, the editor of evolutionary anthropology magazine, told The Dependent. Investigations into the phenomenon further reveal that Maqbool won’t be waking up at 5am on Monday, with the practice set to resume on Friday – but at a less peculiar time of 8am. at press time, Maqbool had opened his laptop to schedule his digital marketing assignments for the coming week. g
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Sunday, 01 - 07 December, 2019
Didn’t think handing over those signed blank letterheads would lead to this: PM Imran Khan
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MId the extraordinary events of Tuesday morning when the CJP nullified the government’s notification confirming Gen Qamar Javed Bajwa’s extension, PM Imran Khan expressed his surprise and shock over what had unfolded essentially as a result of a number of blank PM office letterheads that he had signed and handed over to “trusted confidants” on his second day in office. “look, I am not admitting any wrongdoing or guilt here. I was just told that this is normal procedure and every PM before me had done the same. It was supposed to move things along more efficiently and given the number of things that were already on my plate, such as corruption, accountability and more corruption, it was the logical thing to do”, PM Khan explained in a tweet. To a question, clarifying that there was no such procedure, and asking to whom the
PM had handed over the blank letterheads, special assistant to the PM on accountability Shahzad akbar candidly said, “don’t pay so much attention to these inconvenient technicalities, it’s just a distraction from the real issues. did I tell you I have found those apartments in Monaco in Bilawal’s name? didn’t see any Suo Moto notices being taken on that now did you?”
at time of filing of this report, a fresh notification from the PM office had just been issued announcing the new post of ‘Special Prime Minister to Prime Minister’ which would require a seasoned professional no younger than 59 years of age having extensive experience in war gaming, weapons training with expertise in internal security management and foreign policy formulation. g
Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK
NATIONAL 05
Sunday, 01 - 07 December, 2019
#thankYouraheelSharif trends on thanksgiving Day
t ‘Can we go Dutch on this’, PM asks Queen Maxima over breakfast at his office
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ISLAMABAD
oINTING to the three cookies, each 5 cm in diameter, and roughly two cups, each carrying 200 ml of tea placed on a small table between the two, Prime Minister Imran Khan asked his guest, the Queen of Netherlands, if she’d like to ‘go Dutch’ on the breakfast platter that the two were sharing during the meeting at the Prime Minister office on Tuesday. While lauding her Majesty’s resolve to provide assistance for development projects in the
country, the prime minister apprised the Netherlands’ queen about the welfare projects the breakfast she was having was a part of which. The prime minister said the government’s welfare projects aim to eradicate poverty and assist in capacitybuilding and said Queen Maxima can go a long way in playing a part in that regard by splitting the Rs 95 spent on the morning breakfast. “I believe going Dutch is a norm in your country and I am a strong believer in norms,
customs and traditions,” the PM told the Netherlands Queen. “But being the host, I can’t let you pay… the 50 paisas in the 47 rupees and 50 paisas that you owe, so I’ll pay Rs 48 and you can pay Rs 47. Consider this as an example of the generosity that Pakistanis as hosts are renowned for,” he added. The PM house’s statement, issued following the meeting, further said that the Netherlands’ queen emphasised on promotion of local cookies which she found absolutely delicious. g
PTI govt inaugurates Babar Azam
T Unfair to question legitimacy of 16-year-old cricket debutants: Shahid afridi
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Sunday, 01 - 07 December, 2019
ISLAMABAD/ADELAIDE
eACTING strongly to the question marks raised over the legitimacy of the age of 16-year-old fast bowler Naseem Shah, who played his first match at the Gabba against Australia last week, former captain and star all-rounder Shahid Afridi said that the scrutiny was ‘unfair’. Talking to The Dependent in an exclusive interview Afridi said that individuals should be allowed to be as old as they feel. “Age is just a number, honestly. I know some people just say this, but I’ve experienced this – I’ve live this,” he said.
hRee years after his retirement, former Army Chief General Raheel Sharif was trending on Pakistani Twitter for a few hours on November 28th, which was Thanksgiving Day. A similar phenomenon had been witnessed three years ago, when Gen Sharif had been thanked in the virtual and real worlds culminating in banners across Islamabad curating the nation’s gratitude in the capital of Pakistan. As the nation demanded an extension for the great leader, Gen Sharif did not take the bait and decided to retire on time, being the only one in recent memory to do so. This fact became the basis of short-lived
nostalgia by Pakistan’s liberal Twitterati to make General Sharif trend again and express their gratitude in the year 2019. Well-settled in his new job in the Arabian Peninsula, Gen Sharif is believed to be performing with trademark efficiency in his latest position. Sources close to him further reveal that he’s feeling personal satisfaction in his old friends finding new postings, including those pertaining to the $62 billion China Pakistan economic Corridor. Analysts further believe that this Thanksgiving ritual could be witnessed every three years in the foreseeable future. “however, unlike the US, Pakistan should be celebrating it in the month of May, 2020 onwards,” an analyst told The Dependent wishing anonymity. g
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06 SPORTS
KARACHI
SHUKRIAABAD
“But I feel it is especially unfair to question the legitimacy of 16-year-old debutants. I mean they are just 16 years old, even those who aren’t still feel that. These are just kids that you are targeting, even those that aren’t,” he added. Afridi further maintained that given the many changes that have taken place in the game of cricket, it remains surprising that this one crucial bit still hasn’t been changed. “I have said for a long time that age as a stat should be completely done away with. I mean what purpose does it serve? What does it add to the sport or entertainment when you mention a player’s age in his profile?” he asked. g
he Pakistan Tehreeke-Insaf (PTI) government on Friday inaugurated the country’s top batsman Babar Azam. The inauguration ceremony was held in Islamabad at 8:30 am at the start of the second and final Test between Pakistan and Australia in Adelaide. The inauguration ceremony, which saw Prime Minister Imran Khan cut the ribbon in front of the Rawalpindi Cricket Stadium, also featured Federal Minister for Planning,
Development, Reforms and Special Initiatives Asad Umar. Banners surrounding the area at the time of the inauguration celebrating the PTI government’s achievement of unveiling ‘Babar Azam – the top four, Test batsman’. Babar Azam, Pakistan’s T20 captain who was mentioned on the fourth position in the batting lineup unveiled by the team ahead of the day and night Test at Adelaide, is the latest world class project inaugurated by the PTI. “Both Prime Minister Imran Khan and I agreed over the past
week that Babar Azam should bat up the order and the government started working on the project,” Asad Umar said while talking to The Dependent on the sidelines of the event. “This is the first special initiative of the Planning and Development ministry under my watch, and there are many more to come,” Umar added. At press time, the officials were mulling the inauguration of Mohammed Abbas who returned to the Test side in the second match at Adelaide. g
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Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.