Sometimes Funny, Always Useful Jokes.

Celebrate!

Land Use Law Center Pace University School of Law 78 North Broadway White Plains, New York 10603 (t) 914.422.4262 (f) 914.422.4011

Happy Birthday Joke Book For Tiffany on her 40th

Sometimes Funny, Always Useful Jokes.

John Nolon, Editor Editor’s note: These jokes and quips were compiled for use in presentations, training, and business settings. At the Land Use Law Center, we use them to train land use leaders from local communities. All of the jokes make a relevant point and some make people laugh. Use your imagination as to how to tell these jokes and the point they make and when they might come in handy. My colleague, Tiffany Zezula, and I use jokes in training sometimes to poke fun at each other. These are compiled in honor of her 40th birthday in 2018. Sometimes her name will appear.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!” NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT'S A SCARF!”

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named “Rolex “and one was named “Timex”. Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?” “Hellooooo... ,” answered the blonde.

“They're watchdogs.”

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, “What's the story?” He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.” She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her driver’s license. She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together! Just yesterday they took my license away and now today you expect me to show it to you?”

A redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.” The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, “You're not really a redhead, are you?” “Well, no,” she said, “I'm actually a blonde.” “I thought so,” the doctor said, “Your finger is broken.”

The Classics: Clarence the Monk: Clarence, a monk, goes to work for his first day in a monastery during the middle ages. He, like the other brothers, is assigned the job of copying the orders that are sent out to all the monks, priests, and brothers in the jurisdiction. Mid-morning, the head monk, Merlin, comes by and says Clarence, how are you doing? Clarence says, very good Merlin, the stone walls in this room are solid and stately, the stain glass windows marvelous, and look there at the sun outside that open door shining beautifully on the vegetable garden. Just one thing: I notice that we are copying from a copy and that some of these orders are a bit strange. Has anyone checked them against the original? Merlin says, Clarence, you are a bright young monk, I’ll go down to the archive room and check. Merlin is gone through lunch, most of the afternoon, and as vespers are about to begin, Clarence gets concerned and takes a couple of other brothers and goes to look for Merlin. As they get close to the archive room, they hear gnashing of teeth and wailing. They rush into the room and there is Merlin on the floor, his robes all akimbo and his finger pointed to a page of an open book. They say, Merlin, Merlin, what is the matter. Merlin wails, the word…the word….is celebrate.

Johnnie, Wake Up!: A mother walks into her son’s bedroom and says Johnnie, wake up, it’s time to go to school. Johnnie says, Aw Mom, just let me sleep five more minutes. This happens a couple of times, then she becomes exasperated and says Johnnie wake up a bit angrily; Johnnie responds, but Mom I don’t want to go to school. His Mom says, why not, Johnnie, why don’t you want to go to school. Johnnie says because the teachers call me names and the kids throw things at me. She responds, but Johnnie, you have to go to school. Why, he says. Because, Johnnie, you are the Principal.

Ducks in Heaven: A law professor, director of land use training, and a mayor all die and go to heaven at the same time. St. Peter meets them at the gage and says welcome to Heaven, you are going to love it here, just don’t step on any ducks. The mayor rushes in and immediately steps on a duck, which seem to be everywhere. St. Peter appears out of nowhere and takes the mayor and the ugliest woman in heaven, binds them with a chain, locks it, and throws away the key. I told you, he says, don’t step on any ducks, you are bound together for eternity. The trained is more careful and walks slowly until one day a duck sneaks into her path and she steps on it. St. Peter comes out of nowhere, takes the ugliest man in heaven, ties them together and says I told you, don’t step on any ducks. Much time goes by, the professor is wandering around and out of nowhere St. Peter comes with the best looking woman heaven and starts to bind them with a chain. The professor looks at her and says, wow, what do you think we did to deserve this? She says, I don’t know about you, but I think I stepped on a duck.

Blond Jokes: Tiffany is a Blond An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...He finds his way to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, do you want to hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it's only fair that you should know five things since you're blind."

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a Billy-Club 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman to your right is a blonde professional wrestler.

5. The person to my right is a blonde weight lifter.

"Now think seriously, cowboy... Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?" The cowboy sits and thinks for a second, then shakes his head. "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times..."

Two blondes were going to Disneyland .They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying... and turned around and went home.

Miscellaneous Jokes What kind of a wife could I get for just a rib?

Old couple and the ham sandwich.

Bar scene. Guy says all local politicians are jerks. A drunk says, hey I take offense at that. Why are you a politician he asked? No, I’m a jerk.

Doctor, I am a local politician and I have the flu. Which one do you want me to treat first?

A wife asked, "Does this dress make me look fat?" He paused. Why won’t you answer, she said. The husband responded, "Does this shirt make me look stupid?"

The Brain Transplant: When I want to surprise Tiffany with a compliment that seems like a putdown, at first. A man goes to his doctor for the results of his tests and the doctor tells him that he needs a brain transplant. The man says, wow, how much is that going to cost me, doc? The doctor says it depends on whether we use a woman’s brain or a man’s. The woman’s will cost you $200,000 and the man’s $500,000. The man asks, why the difference? The doctor responds, because the woman’s brain has been used!

My Favorite Mule, Bessie: Jake brought a law suit against a trucking company for personal injuries to himself and the loss of his favorite mule, Bessie. On the witness stand, the lawyer for the company said, Jake isn’t it true that you said at the scene of the accident that you were just fine. Well your honor, Jake says, addressing the judge, you see I pulled up to the stop sign at the end of my country road, looked both ways and slowly pulled out onto the highway. This truck comes at the speed of light out of nowhere…Jake, the lawyer interrupts, didn’t you say you were just fine. Your honor, can you make him answer the question.

Jake says, your honor, this truck is blazing in from the east and all of a sudden hits my pickup and…

Again the lawyer asks the judge to ask Jake to answer, but the judge says Jake go ahead, your story is interesting. So, your honor, the speeding truck hits us, Bessie flies into one ditch with a broken leg and all bloodied, and I in the other. A trooper came along a bit later and went to the ditch where Bessie was, took one look, drew his pistol and shot her right between the eyes. Then, still holding his gun, he comes to me and says, So, Jake, how are you feeling?

Saved at Sea: Seamus and Connor take a cruise. The ship sinks. They are the sole survivors, bobbing for weeks on a life raft with meager provisions. One sunny day, Seamus is asleep and Connor sees a bottle floating toward them. He grabs it, pulls the cork and a genie springs out and says, this is your lucky day – you can have any wish you want. He wakes Seamus up and tells him what happened, beaming that he asked for the entire ocean to be turned into Guinness. Connor, you damn fool, Seamus says, now we are going to have to pee in the boat!

The Donkey in the Churchyard: A Catholic priest is getting ready for an important wedding and walking in the courtyard early in the morning when he sees a dead donkey there. He immediately calls the mayor and says can you arrange for this dead donkey to be taken away this morning. The mayor, who was of a different denomination, says why Father, I thought it was the duty of the clergy to bury the dead, why are you calling me? Because, says the priest, it is also our duty to notify the next of kin.

You Have A Choice: A lawyer gets on a plane and sits next to a pompous minister. The steward, who knows him well, brings him his regular Scotch, then asks the minister if he would like one too. The minister says no, I would rather be ravaged by a brazen hussy than have an alcoholic beverage touch my lips. The lawyer puts his Scotch back on the tray and says, oh, I didn’t realize we had a choice.

Room with no Exit: As I introduce Tiffany as our excellent training director, I tell the trainees that I was really worried this morning that she wasn’t going to make it to the training program. Before we went to our hotel rooms last night, we agreed to meet for breakfast right at 7 am. Tiffany is always on time, so I was worried at 7:15 when she didn’t come down. So I called her room and she says John, I can’t get out of my room. I say, why not Tiffany. She says, well, there are three doors and one is to the bathroom, the other to the closet and the other one says “Do Not Disturb”

Why Should I Listen to You?: Tiffany is so excited. She boards a red eye from California to come back to New York after attending a program on Champions of Change. She immediately starts talking to her seat mate, a good looking guy who obviously wanted to sleep all the way home. Don’t sleep, she says, I want to tell you all about Champions of Change. He resisted. She wouldn’t give up, so finally the guy says OK let me ask you a question. She nods. So, he says, deer eat grass and poop little pellets; cows eat the same grass and poop pies; horses eat the very same grass and expel little muffins. Why, if it is the same grass, the differences? Tiffany has no clue, she places a couple of calls, Googles a few times, and finally says, I don’t know. OK, the guy says, then why would I want to listen to someone talk about Champions of Change who doesn’t know shit.

How to Defend Yourself from a Hostile Co-Trainer If Tiffany says something to make fun of me, I sometimes say. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people seem intelligent until you hear them talk.

The other day, Tiffany got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Tiffany’s daughter won a gold medal in the track meet. She took it home and got it bronzed.

Tiffany came home the other night and said to her husband, Honey, we have to move. Why, he responded. Because I just heard on the radio that 75% of automobile accidents happen within a half mile of home.

Sometimes Tiffany thinks so slowly it takes her three hours to watch 60 minutes.

Making the Same Mistake Again: Two local planning board members from the Hudson Valley get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six. As they start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot tells them the plane can take only four of the moose. The two leaders object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and lets them load all six. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and goes down a few moments after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreckage, one planning board member asks the other, "Any idea where we are?" The second replies, "Yes, I think we are pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Faint Praise: The chair of the planning board is gravely ill in the hospital. She wakes up to find flowers and a card from her board. The card reads, “We hope for a full recovery� Vote 4-3

Too Many Tools: A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, M’God Matie, what happened to ya? The pirate says, I’m just fine. No yer not, growls the bartender, you got a hook, wooden leg, and a patch on yer eye; last time you were a whole man.

The pirate says oh, right, I was out on the sea one day and we got into a tif with another pirate ship and this bloke he severed off me hand; but the hook works fine. Then another fine day I was strollin the deck, slipped, fell in the ocean and a shark come along and lopped of me leg, but I’m fine with me new wooden piece. Yeah, well, what about yer eye says the barkeep? Oh, another fine day found me on the deck lookin’ up at the clear sky when a sea gull pooed in me eye. The bartender says, naw sea gull poo can’t put out yer eye. You don’t understand mate, the pirate says, that day was the first day with m’ hook.

The Dead Chicken in the Refrigerator: An experienced facilitator bought a colorful parrot and took it home. It was beautiful but unruly and swore at everybody about everything. The facilitator tried to discover its interests and talk to it about changing its behavior. The negotiations failed; the parrot stuck to its position: swearing. Nothing worked. Finally one night, in the middle of a facilitation held in the facilitator’s house, the parrot just started swearing at every comment made.

Finally, exasperated, the facilitator took the parrot and threw it into the freezer. It squawked and fussed and, all of a sudden, went deadly silent. The facilitator thought she had killed the poor bird. She opened the refrigerator door and the parrot calmly walked out onto her arm and politely asked: “What did the poor chicken in there do to make you so angry?”

Surprise Compliment: When I want to surprise Tiffany with a good word that starts out like a putdown, here’s a story. A man goes to his doctor for the results of his tests and the doctor tells him that he needs a brain transplant. The man says, wow, how much is that going to cost me, doc? The doctor says it depends on whether we use a woman’s brain or a man’s. The woman’s will cost you $200,000 and the man’s $500,000. The man asks, why the difference? The doctor responds, because the woman’s brain has been used!

You get one wish: A lawyer, her associate and paralegal take a walk for lunch. They pass a bush and the paralegal sees an intriguing looking bottle there, picks it up and a genie appears and says you each can have one wish, whatever you want. The paralegal says I want to be on the beach in Bermuda with my boyfriend and, poof, she disappears. The associate says, great, I’d like to be on the golf course in Coral Gables and, poof, he’s gone. The genie says to the lawyer and what do you want? The lawyer says, I want them both back in the office by noon.

Your Mom is on the roof. Tiffany’s sister had to go to London and asked her to take care of her cat and house for a couple of weeks. The second night the sister called and said how are things, how is Tabby? Tiffany said, Tabby died. The sister came home immediately, very upset with Tiffany, who asked her what she did wrong. The sister said, well when I called the first time you should have said that Tabby was out on the roof. The second call you could have told me that Tabby was stuck on a tree limb and we are trying to get her down. The third time I called, you should have said that Tabby is still on the limb, but we got her some food. Then the fourth time, you could have told me that Tabby perished in the tree. I could have taken that better; you, as always, were too abrupt. Things healed slowly and a couple of years pass and the sister had to go to London again and asked Tiffany to care for her house and their mom who was living with her favorite daughter.

Tiffany agreed. The sister called the second night and said how are things, how is mom? Tiffany paused, thought for a minute, and then said Well…Mom is out on the roof.

Einstein’s Chauffeur: Sometimes when I want to dodge a difficult question from trainee by directing it to Tiffany, I tell this story first. After Einstein first published his theory of relativity, he and his chauffeur travelled constantly to other universities and scientific conferences. Dr. Einstein told the same story every night as the chauffeur listened. On the drive to the next conference where he knew his professorial nemesis would be ready to ask him an unanswerable question, he said to his chauffeur, tonight you should muss up your hair, put on my black jacket and give my speech, and I will wear your clothing and stand in the back of the conference hall. That did not sound like a good idea to the assistant, but eventually he agreed and gave the speech, with Einstein standing in the back of the room dressed like the chauffeur. As soon as the speech concluded, the much feared professor gets up and puts forward this complex, erudite question and says, so Dr. Einstein, what do you answer that? The Chauffeur using his best Einstein voice thinks for a second and then says, pointing to Einstein, why that question is so simple that I am sure my chauffeur can answer it!

The Clever Mayor: The mayor of an adjacent village was speeding through the town late for a board of trustees meeting.

He got stopped by a young police officer who said can I see your license, sir? The mayor said, sorry I don’t have one; it was taking because of DUI charges? Oh, the young officer said, then can I see your registration? The mayor said, I don’t have one. I stole this car. The officer was shocked, but the mayor went on…and the owner of the car is in a sack in the trunk. The officer quickly called the Chief of Police who came with three other patrol cars and said to the Mayor, my young officer here said you don’t have a license.

The mayor calmly handed his license to the Chief. The Chief said and my young officer told me you don’t have a registration. The Mayor opened the glove box, took out the registration and gave it to the Chief. The Chief then said, my young officer said there is evidence of criminality in the trunk, would you open it please. The Mayor did and there was nothing but a spare tire there. The Chief apologized to the Mayor saying that his young officer had told him that he did not have a license, a registration, and there was evidence of criminality in the trunk. Yeah, said the Mayor, and I bet the young liar also told you I was speeding!

Who is Responsible for the Chaos?: A surgeon, engineer, and lawyer were having an argument in a bar about which was the oldest profession. The surgeon said, well on the sixth day of creation God took out Adam’s rib and formed Eve, so surgery is the oldest.

The engineer said, no, on the first day of creation God reached into the chaos and formed the Universe. The lawyer retorted, ha, and who do you think was responsible for the chaos?

Pig with two medals: A travelling salesman gets stuck one evening and asks the farmer to put him up. No problem. Dinner is just being served. Pork was on the menu and the pig leg on the platter smelled delicious. The salesman said this is some pig. The farmer said you bet it is. We have given it two medals, once when my tractor tipped over and pinned me. It ran to the house oinking so loudly that my wife followed it back and saved my life; another time, it smelled the silage in the silo and figured it was about to combust, came oinking to me, took me to the silo, and I removed the smoking silage and it saved us from bankruptcy. So why are we eating this fabulous pig’s leg, the salesman asked? Because, the farmer said, you don’t want to eat a pig like that all at once.

Cowboy minister: A new minister showed up in a country town in the old west. He wanted to relate to the people, so he got a great looking horse and trained it to go when he said Praise the Lord and to stop when he said Amen. The church services were filled to overflowing. One day, the minister was out on the prairie and heard the frightening sound of a rattlesnake. The horse took off on a gallop and ran straight to the edge of the cliff. The minister forgot his commands and just as the horse is about to run off the cliff he yells Amen. The horse stopped on a dime and the minister looks over the precipice, takes out his bandana, wipes his fore head and says Praise the Lord.