Feeling at Home in Beit Hanina

Wafai Dias

A village split into two There was once a time when you were one Not chopped into two, one thriving and one grappling to survive It’s Beit Hanina An apartheid wall operating under the guise of “security” claimed, -you like many other villages, as a victim It’s absurd that visiting both parts in one day may take three hours I resided in the lower part of you, once walking around to homes with no neighbors My nephew showed me my grandfather’s land With the sun beaming on my face, -I was not ready for this weather As we stood in front of my grandfather’s land a strong feeling of emptiness filled my gut I could feel my brain overcome with so many feelings I look over to the hill of settlements near us My amygdala has been activated with anger, sadness, and triggered depression How do you describe pain if it’s all over you and takes over your mind? “Look, your grandfather's tree is still intact” my nephew says I excitedly start picking figs off his tree I taste what I believe is the best fig I’ll ever have The wind starts blowing and I’m reminded the shade from his tree is protecting me from the sun’s rays How would my life look like if I had grown up here? How do you grieve a life you wish you had? My depression is triggered again Later that week after visiting relatives in the upper part of my village I catch a bus to al-Aqsa On the bus someone says hi because they know my parents How can I be recognized even though I don’t live here? Moments like this are repeated throughout my trip And I’m consistently reminded that the land and the 19 people welcome me Which is why I feel the most at home I’ve ever felt in my life here The next day I visit my grandfather’s land alone this time With the wind softly blowing, I imagine a Beit Hanina with my grandparents and mother harvesting olives, walking, talking, singing, laughing, praying The hustle and bustle of this village is envied by all

This is a Beit Hanina One that is not separated by a wall of hate One that makes me smile For the first time I can smile ear to ear Because of the memory of who you were People think that home is where you have lived all your life But that is not home Home is where your spirit feels at peace Where your ancestors are reimagined Home is that feeling in your heart Home is your land, your people and you