Over the Edge Magazine Issue 26 | September 2026

OVER EDGE the

ISSUE NO: 26

“The Green Green Grass of September Edition”

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” l a i r o t i d E y “The Edg There is only one place to start our Edgy Editorial this month: to thank the very talented Rachel Bear, who was the guest editor for the August edition of Over the Edge. Thank you, Rachel. What a great magazine you produced. Rachel was with us officially for just one week on work experience from Boswells School, but she continued working with us for the whole month to complete the tasks assigned to her. Basically, Rachel gave Deaks the month off! Rachel’s work experience came to a close when she travelled to Print Acumen’s print works, where she was able to watch the first edition of the August magazine roll off the press. Rachel produced last month’s editorial, put together the Over the Line sports page, wrote her own column, giving Deaks a well-earned rest, and conducted The Over the Edge Big Interview with Rebecca Carter @intunewithrebecca, along with contributing towards the Hold my Beer page and chasing column and advertising content for the magazine. Well done, Rachel. The columnists that write in the magazine still get a thrill seeing their

content in the magazine; we hope that you got the same buzz seeing yourself in print. You are welcome back anytime. Enough of the Rachel Bear Appreciation Society!

In other news, our resident AI Guru, Paul Fuggle aka Fugsy, is developing an Over the Edge AI portal that will assist us in putting the magazine together. Artificial Intelligence is here to stay, and there is no point in fighting it, so here at Over the Edge we will embrace it. You can read Fugsy’s column on page 16 of this month’s magazine. We will keep you abreast of the developments of our agentic set-up and what it does for us, but you can be assured the quality content will never change. That’s your lot as far as the Edgy Editorial goes for this month. We hope that you enjoy this month’s magazine and that you haven’t got too used to Rachel Bear running the magazine! Enjoy the month of September as our blistering summer comes to a close.

Deaks Over the Edge

HAVE H AVE Y YOU OU O OUTGROWN UTGROWN Y OUR W EBSITE? YOUR WEBSITE? I rrecently ecently d designed esigned tthe he n new ew w website ebsite for Over The Edge. business ffo or O Th he E ddgge. IIff yyour ver T our b usiness has but website h as eevolved volved b ut yyour our w ebsite hasn’t, wee sshould h asn’t, w hould ttalk. alk. Hi, Shannon Kate Murray H i, II’m ’m S hannon K ate M urray - a web llocal ocal w eb ddesigner esigner & ddigital igital aadvisor dvisor hhelping elping eestablished stablished ssmall mall bbusinesses usinesses sstrengthen trengthen hhow ow tthey hey sshow how uup p oonline. nline. Best way w ay to o reach rea ach me: hello@highflyingdesign.com hello@h highflyying y gdesign.com WhatsApp WhatsA App me: m e: 07763863466 0 •

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The Literary Corner by Kat de Naoum Hey, kids. This month’s book recommendation is The Hobbit. It’s a great book. You’ll love it. Now, pass this magazine on to your parents and go out and play in the summer sun. Go on! Shoo! Scram! Well, hello, parents. So, whilst most assume that American Independence began in 1783 when America officially secured its victory over the British with the signing of the Treaty of Paris, or even in 1781 with the infamous Battle of Yorktown led by the then-General George Washington, in all actuality, one must cast one’s mind back even further to 1776 when the first inklings of the American Revolution— Are… Are they gone? The kids? Phew, good. Because this month’s book picks are, let’s just say, for grown-ups only. One is so scandaleux it had respectable society clutching its pearls for decades. The other has themes of desire, obsession, and the body linked to one woman’s seemingly innocuous decision to stop eating meat. Neither is likely to be found on a primary school curriculum any time soon. And I don’t want to hear anyone talking about film adaptations either (I’m talking to my sister here, who feels that because she saw the film she can skip the book… Get reading, woman!), because nothing will prepare you for what your eyes will see and what your imagination will whip up. Will they revive an otherwise dwindling love life? One of them just might. Will they awaken something you thought long gone and send you off on an existential crisis? I wouldn’t rule it out. But will they make you relish the beauty of language and have you wearing your title of bookworm like a badge of honour? Most definitely. Both books are slow burners, but both had me staring at a wall afterwards. My usual sign-off of “enjoy” is delivered with a little extra pep this month and perhaps a few alternative entendres. En-joy!

Book of the Month — July 2026

Oldie but Goodie

The Vegetarian (2007) Han Kang

Lady Chatterley’s Lover (1928) D.H. Lawrence

I’ve had this book on my bookshelf for years and I think the reason I hadn’t reached for it

Lady Chatterley's Lover... my word. We all knew it was saucy. We know it was banned

was its PG-sounding title. I can now assure

and labelled filth, smut, and debauchery, all

you that this is not a light read, and while it’s not exactly sexual, it is most definitely sensual. There’s something to be said for a plot that sounds deceptively simple: a married couple are rocked when the wife decides to become vegetarian. I mean,

of which, of course, made it the only book anyone at uni wanted to get their hands on. This one is, indeed, pure filth in the most gorgeous way imaginable. Now, I'm about to say something and I need you not to slam this page shut and write me off. Hear me out. I have read the first Fifty Shades book. I know. But I had to know for myself that it was rubbish. Needless to say, I didn't read the sequels. Now D.H. Lawrence—a name

what could possibly happen from that, enough to flesh out an entire novel? Trust me, a whole lot. I absolutely love where the author takes this story and, if you go in spoiler-free, I promise you won’t see it coming. I don’t mean that there’s a shock ending or a twist you’d find in a psychological thriller (and if that’s what you’re after, this probably isn’t the right read for you), but there were several “Well, that escalated!” moments where I found myself wondering how on earth we got here from someone simply deciding not to eat meat. This beautifully written book is translated from Korean, and while the stunning prose is a testament to the translator, all credit goes to Han Kang—a Nobel Prize in Literature winner, no less—who also teaches creative writing in South Korea and has made me seriously consider hopping on a plane and enrolling in one of her classes. The narrative of The Vegetarian carries you along like you’re floating on a lilo down a gently moving river. The sun is beaming down, you’re feeling the warmth, but a subtle breeze keeps the heat at bay. The sound of the water lulls you into a gorgeous stupor. The scent of nature hangs in the air. All your senses are engaged. You’re faintly aware that you’re travelling somewhere, but you don’t care where because the journey itself is so delectable. As you drift along, you’re also aware that the end is fast approaching. But you don’t much mind whether you’re gently washed onto a beach or dragged over a ravenous waterfall (I won’t tell you which). Despite my sunny river analogy, this is no beach read. Kang's novels are written to make you think, and think you will.

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which really shouldn't even be mentioned in the same paragraph as that other book—has created a character who makes Christian Grey look like a mildly interesting colleague in comparison. Lawrence is a literary genius. I know, I’ve thrown that term around quite a bit, but I never use it loosely. This book is… the language… the love… the emotion… the sheer feeling... Everything happening to the characters in this book is happening to the reader. It's physical, quite literally. You'd have to be dead inside not to be... I'll say moved. I’ve had to cut out the blurb because I’ve run out of space (Google it if you must) but I will say that I'm astonished Oliver Mellors isn't a household name alongside Mr Darcy, McDreamy, and McSteamy. I am officially launching a campaign to make Mellors a literary heartthrob for the ages. Now, please excuse me while I go light a cigarette and stare into the void this book left in me when I got to the last page. Unfortunately, I will never again read this book for the first time (although I read and re-read it every chance I get). You, however, are in for the ride time of your life.

About Kat Kat de Naoum (BA (Hons) Eng Lit & Phil, MA Creative Writing) is a writer/author, editor, mother, and avid reader. Since starting out as a staff writer at a local London paper in 1999, Kat has written for many print and online publications. When not writing or parenting, her head’s in a book (or plugged into an audiobook). katdenaoum.com

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ADVERTISING FEATURE

Stephen Pitcher

Draw up your retirement game plan Retirement isn’t what it used to be. We’re working longer, living longer and have so many different ways to use our pension pot. All the more reason to get the experts involved. These days there’s so much flexibility around retirement. You can choose to stay invested in your pension, decide your own level of income, or even withdraw the entire pot. Buying an annuity is now another choice, rather than being non-negotiable. Meanwhile, as always, greater freedom brings greater responsibility. You’ve got to make sure those retirement savings last. It’s a thorny business full of tough decisions, made even trickier by the number of options available.

Expert advice is key – your retirement could last 30 years or more, so you’ll need to make important short- and long-term decisions Let’s look at retirement age to begin with. The cliff-edge idea of stopping work at 60 or 65 and ‘being retired’ is history. Today a phased approach is much more likely, transitioning gradually from working and saving towards leisure and spending. Most of us can do this on our terms, according to our own life plans, rather than being restricted by a pension scheme or an employer.

Visualise your retirement Ask yourself what your retirement looks like. Then how can you make it a reality? If you’re retired already, is it as you imagined? Being ‘in retirement’ is much more than simply drawing an income. It’s also about running an efficient home, managing your tax-free cash and building a sustainable income that will last your lifetime. Although there’s no set retirement age these days, you can start drawing your workplace and private pensions from the age of 55 (increasing to 57 from 6 April 2028). Add to this the pressures of supporting both older and

Stephen Pitcher MSc(Finance) BA(Hons) DipPFS

Senior Partner

younger generations, and it’s clear a rethink is needed on how best to use your savings. To adapt to changing needs, you might need to consider other assets and income sources alongside your pension. So what you have is a situation that’s both flexible and heavy on risk, whether you choose to dip into your pension pot or remain invested. Either way, you’ll need help and expertise to face the challenges. In retirement you’re also likely to encounter a new set of risks. For example, if you get off to a poor start when you begin drawing your income, with markets falling and returns negative, your investments will have to work much harder from the outset to maintain your desired income. Another layer of complexity in your retirement strategy is underestimating how long your money needs to last. The 100-year life is fast becoming normal, with more of us living much longer, more active lives than ever before. We’re here to help you navigate these obstacles. We believe the value of advice comes from building a strong relationship over time and understanding the needs of both you and your family. We’re experts in the intricacies of modern retirement. So you can worry less and focus on the important things in life. The value of an investment with St. James’s Place will be directly linked to the performance of the funds you select, and the value can therefore go down as well as up. You may get back less than you invested. The levels and basis of taxation and reliefs from taxation can change at any time and are dependent on individual circumstances.

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CITY CENTRE UPDATES FROM SARA TUPPER AND YOUR BUSINESS IMPROVEMENT DISTRICT, CHELMSFORD FOR YOU Let’s all breathe a sigh of relief… We’ve survived the summer holidays and the kids are back to school!! Although I must admit, I do enjoy the quieter roads in the mornings when the schools are off!

The Chelmsford For You team have been busy beavering away over the last couple of months working on lots of different projects and events, including two coming up very soon. First up, we are partnering with Bond Street to help them celebrate their 10th Birthday - can you believe it’s been a whole decade since they d??! O t b opened??! On th the 26th S September, everyone iis invited to celebrate the occasion with a whole day of fun including music, street theatre, giveaways and competitions. In addition to the entertainment outside and in the Bond Street Bowl, many of the businesses will be organising pop-up activities in store with exclusive deals promotions. It’s one not to be missed!

We are also very excited to share the return of the Chelmsford Cocktail Weekend - Autumn edition! Coming back to the city on 2nd October until 4th, this is the perfect excuse to get your friends together and head out for some delicious drinks! With over 20 venues confirmed, make sure you head to our website, grab your £5 wristband and unlock exclusive £6 cocktails and £5 mocktails. Not only that, but many venues have additional discounts and promotions on food and activities, only for wristband holders!! All of the cocktails and mocktails can be found on our website, let us know which on ones you love the sound of and tag us on socials @chelmsfordforyou @chelmsfordforyou socials Get in touch with me: Instagram @_saratupper_ Website: www.chelmsfordforyou.co.uk Page 8

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FASHION

Autumn Coat Guide

Emmeline Smith, Fashion Editor and Stylist, shares her guide to the season's most stylish coat trends, from timeless classics to modern must-haves. The quilted jacket If you’re struggling to let go of your faithful puffer coat, a lightweight option is the quilted jacket. For days when comfort is key, the quilted jacket is a practical yet stylish choice. Lightweight, cosy and easy to throw on, it’s perfect for busy weekends and everyday errands. Choose autumnal shades such as olive, chocolate brown or cream.

OK, I’m calling it – the puffer coat has had a very successful reign as the nation’s go-to winter staple, but this season it’s time to make room for something new. Don’t get me wrong, there’s no denying its practicality (especially on a freezing morning), but autumn is the perfect opportunity to be a little more adventurous with your outerwear.

Primark, quilted jacket, £14

Whether it’s a beautifully tailored wool coat or a statement faux fur, adding personality to your layers can completely transform your everyday look. As the seasons change, our coats become one of the hardest-working pieces in our wardrobes. A great coat isn’t just about keeping warm – it’s the finishing touch that can elevate even the simplest outfit. From timeless tailoring to relaxed countryside-inspired styles, this season’s key trends offer something for everyone.

With its boxy shape and casual appeal, it works perfectly with boots, cosy knitwear and even kiltstyle skirts. It’s ideal for those early autumn days when a heavy winter coat feels like too much.

M&S, trench coat, £85 The leather jacket

Oliver Bonas, pink fur jacket, £98

TKMaxx, mushroom fur jacket, £49.99 New Look, burgundy fur coat, £69.99

A quality leather (or faux leather) jacket will last for years. Whether you prefer a classic biker style or a softer oversized shape, it adds instant attitude to any outfit. Pair it with a feminine dress for contrast or keep it casual with denim and chunky boots - a true wardrobe staple thats as versitlie as you are.

Primark, faux leather jacket, £30

M&S, trench coat, £70

Matalan, cream fur jacket, £40

The barn jacket One of this season’s biggest trends, the barn jacket brings a relaxed, countryside-inspired feel to everyday dressing. Originally designed as practical outerwear, it has been reinvented as an autumn 26' fashion favourite.

Choose traditional neutrals such as beige, stone or navy and style it over everything from jeans and knitwear to smart workwear. A belted waist adds shape, while wearing it open creates a more relaxed feel. Best of all, this is a style you’ll reach for year after year.

New Look, t rench coat, £54.99

Choose timeless shades such as chocolate, cream or black, or embrace a little colour with pastel pinks and blues to brighten up gloomy winter days.

Primark, barn jacket, £30

Primark, barn jacket, £30

The trench coat I know I’ve talked about these before, but it just proves the trench coat is a true wardrobe classic. Lightweight, elegant and endlessly versatile, it’s perfect for those unpredictable autumn days.

The faux fur coat When the temperature drops, faux fur (my personal favourite!) is the ultimate statement piece. Adding texture and glamour to even the simplest outfit, it’s perfect for evenings out or days when you want your outerwear to make an impact.

Primark, faux leather jacket, £30

M&S, faux leather jacket, £60

New Look, trench coat, £54.99

M&S, leather jacket, £68 Finding your perfect coat The best coat is the one you’ll want to wear on repeat and keeps you warm. Think about your lifestyle, the colours you already love wearing and select your statement look for autumn 26'.

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T

here’s something wonderfully civilised about Latitude, or at least there is at the beginning, when everyone is clean, the glitter is still perfectly positioned and you’re strolling through Henham Park telling yourself this is a cultural weekend, and most certainly not fairly inevitable descent into warm wine, dodging food poisoning with appropriate choices and waking up on Sunday morning trying to work out whether your headache is dehydration, lack of sleep or the cumulative effect of making a grand total of zero sensible decisions since Friday lunchtime.

The weekend kicked off watching David Byrne at Latitude, which felt like accidentally wandering into the brilliantly eccentric workings of somebody else’s imagination, which, considering this is the man responsible for Talking Heads, was exactly as it should be. And it felt rather fabulous, standing in a Suffolk field surrounded by thousands of people singing along to songs that have soundtracked decades, generations and probably influenced a fair few dodgy hairstyles. It was clever, theatrical, strange in all the right places, effortlessly cool and the type of performance where you suddenly realise just how many songs you know without ever consciously deciding to know them, and when those unmistakable Talking Heads moments arrived, Henham Park became one enormous, tipsy singalong choir. But then came Tom Grennan. Oh, Tom. We went in expecting a good set and came out ready to add him to the Over the Edge Christmas card list. We’d actually recently met Tom as he’s a diehard Coventry fan. He’s ridiculously likeable and immediately one of those people you want to do well, so perhaps we were already slightly biased, but even with that disclaimer firmly in place, he was incredible. The voice is huge, the songs are made for fields full of people and the energy never dipped, but it was his connection with the crowd that really did it, because there was nothing polished-andremote-pop-star about it; he looked like he was having every bit as much fun as we were, which is precisely what you want when you’ve resigned yourself to standing up for several hours, holding a drink in a plastic tumbler for which you paid the same amount as you did for your first car. By Saturday, Latitude had fully got us. Welcome Teddy Swims, who provided one of the weekend’s greatest games of OH! I DIDN’T KNOW THIS WAS HIM. Song after song appeared and somebody around us would squeal, “I LOVE THIS ONE!”, shortly followed by the realisation that apparently Teddy Swims has been quietly living in all of our Spotify playlists without formally introducing himself. His voice live is enormous, soulful and somehow even better than you expect, and there’s something so satisfying about a festival set where you arrive knowing three songs and leave realising you actually knew about almost all of them.

Page 12

Then came Billy Ocean, a man who at 76 can apparently still move around a stage with considerably more enthusiasm than most of us can muster after getting out of a low chair. Can he still move? Absolutely. Can he still sing? Well. We love you, Billy. And frankly, when you’ve got Caribbean Queen, Red Light Spells Danger and When the Going Gets Tough tucked away in the handbag, perhaps you’ve earned the right to let several thousand people in Suffolk handle some of the vocals for you. Which we did, happily. By Sunday morning, the glamour had left the building. The carefully curated festival wardrobe had become “whatever is going to hurt the least”, sunglasses had moved from accessory to essential medical equipment and the comedy tent suddenly seemed like the safest possible place to sit quietly and reassess several of Saturday evening’s decisions. Which was how, while nursing a hangover of fairly biblical proportions, we found ourselves staring at a man with what appeared to be a Henry Hoover on his head. There are moments in life when you instinctively know you should trust your own eyes and this was not one of them. Was there actually a man performing with Henry Hoover headwear? Had somebody spiked the breakfast coffee? Was this simply what happened when Prosecco, very little sleep and 50,000 steps and three days at Latitude finally caught up with you? Nobody around us seemed concerned, which made the entire thing more concerning, so we did what any sensible festival-goer would do and accepted that Henry was now part of the weekend. Sunday evening, however, belonged to Lewis Capaldi. It felt emotional seeing him there after that comeback at Glastonbury last year, a performance that seemed to have the country crying into their televisions and willing him on. Seeing him back on a huge festival stage, funny, vulnerable and sounding incredible, brought every single one of those feelings flooding straight back. And then there was the mystery guest. Or, as seemingly the entire Latitude population had collectively decided to call him before anybody had actually announced anything, Ed Sheeran. The rumour gathered such momentum that we weren’t asking if Ed Sheeran was appearing; they were asking when, where and whether Lewis would bring him out, and by the time the mystery slot approached we had collectively manifested this poor man onto a stage he had, as far as we knew, never actually agreed to stand on. The expectation became so convincing that when Ed Sheeran did not materialise, there was a strange feeling that he had somehow cancelled his set. A set that did not exist. At a performance he had never announced. Honestly, Ed, the least you could have done was let us know. And perhaps that sums up Latitude rather perfectly, because for all the brilliant music, Byrne being Byrne, Grennan stealing our hearts, Teddy revealing that we knew his entire back catalogue, Billy Ocean dancing his way through the decades and Capaldi making thousands of grown adults cry in a field, the bits you remember most are often the ridiculous ones in between.

Latitude, you were glamorous, extravagant, emotional, brilliantly British and just the right amount of unhinged any girl would ask for. Same time next year? Of course. Just maybe don’t invite Henry.

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Modular furniture systems, adaptable layouts, and spaces spaces that that can can evolve evolve over time provide far greater value than highly fixed fixed solutions. solutions. The The goal goal is is not to accommodate every possible scenario, but to to avoid avoid creating creating unnecessary obstacles when change inevitably arrives. arrives. In many cases, a small amount of planning at the beginning beginning can can prevent prevent significant disruption later.

Design

Inspiration Inspiration for the Population

Building in Flexibility | The most successful workplaces workplaces are are rarely rarely those those designed for today alone. They are designed with tomorrow tomorrow in in mind. mind. This does not mean predicting the future. It means allowing allowing for for flexibility. flexibility.

...flexible ...flexible layouts layouts and and adaptable adaptable furniture furniture support support evolving evolving businesses. businesses. Coosstt N Noobbooddyy B Buuddggeetteedd FFoorr || The The real real cost cost of of an an outgrown outgrown workplace workplace is is TThhee C rarely measured measured in in furniture furniture alone. alone. Th rarely T he eC Co osstt N No ob bo od dyy B Bu ud dggeetteed dF Fo orr || The The eal eal cost cost of of an an outgrown outgrown workplace workplace is is rarely measured rarely measured in in furniture furniture alone. alone. Wiitthh 2200 D Deesskkss || Every Every growing growing business business remembers remembers the the Early Early IItt SSttaarrtteedd W days. A A small small team, team, limited limited resources, resources, and and aa workspace workspace that that feels feels perfectly perfectly It It appears days. appears in in lost lost productivity, productivity, inefficient inefficient layouts, layouts, disrupted disrupted workflows, workflows, and and adequate. opportunities missed adequate. opportunities missed because because the the environment environment can can no no longer longer support support the the way people people work. work. At that that stage, stage, every every square square metre metre is is valuable. valuable. Desks Desks are are occupied, occupied, meeting meeting way At rooms are are available, available, and and it it supports supports the the business business without without complaint. complaint. The irony rooms The irony is is that that many many of of these these costs costs emerge emerge from from success success rather rather than than failure. The failure. The business business grows, grows, the the team team expands, expands, new new opportunities opportunities appear. appear. The problem problem is is that that growth growth rarely rarely arrives arrives all all at at once. once. A A company company that that The The workplace The workplace simply simply struggles struggles to to keep keep pace. pace. begins with with twenty twenty people people can can become become thirty thirty quickly. quickly. 30 30 can can become become 40 40 begins and what what once once felt felt spacious spacious begins begins to to feel feel constrained. constrained. Desks Desks appear appear in in At Workplace and At Workplace Designs Designs (WDL), (WDL), we we often often see see organisations organisations reach reach this this point. point. corners, storage storage expands, expands, meeting meeting rooms rooms become become harder harder to to find find The challenge corners, The challenge is is rarely rarely finding finding more more space. space. It It is is creating creating environments environments that that can adapt before growth becomes a problem. can adapt before growth becomes a problem. None of of this this feels feels like like aa mistake mistake at at the the time. time. In In fact, fact, it it is is often often aa sign sign that that None the business business is is succeeding. succeeding. This is the This is where where early early advice advice becomes becomes valuable. valuable. A A well well considered considered furniture furniture strategy can strategy can allow allow teams teams to to expand, expand, departments departments to to move, move, and and spaces spaces to to be reconfigured be reconfigured without without starting starting again again each each time time the the business business changes. changes. It It is is not about not about over over spending spending at at the the beginning. beginning. It It is is about about avoiding avoiding unnecessary unnecessary replacement later. replacement later. Because the Because the most most expensive expensive workplace workplace mistake mistake is is not not investing investing in in furnifurniture, it ture, it is is investing investing twice. twice. Growth is Growth is one one of of the the challenges challenges every every business business hopes hopes to to face. face. The The quesquestion is tion is not not whether whether change change will will happen, happen, but but whether whether the the workplace workplace is is ready for ready for it. it. The The most most successful successful environments environments are are rarely rarely those those designed designed for today for today alone. alone. They They are are the the ones ones prepared prepared for for what what comes comes next. next.

...what begins begins as as aa perfectly perfectly functional functional workplace workplace can can ...what quickly feel feel very very different different as as aa business business grows. grows. quickly

Hiiddddeenn C Coosstt ooff G Grroow wtthh || Most Most workplace workplace problems problems are are not not caused caused by by TThhee H poor decisions. decisions. They They are are caused caused by by decisions decisions that that were were never never intended intended to to poor support the the next next stage stage of of growth. growth. support Furniture is is often often one one of of the the first first areas areas affected. affected. Desks Desks purchased purchased for for aa Furniture small team team cannot cannot easily easily expand. expand. Storage Storage becomes becomes overloaded. overloaded. Meeting Meeting small spaces disappear disappear as as workstations workstations multiply. multiply. spaces The obvious obvious solution solution is is usually usually to to buy buy more more furniture. furniture. The The expensive expensive The solution is is buying buying it it twice. twice. solution What begins begins as as aa temporary temporary adjustment adjustment can can become become aa permanent permanent What compromise. The The workplace workplace slowly slowly adapts adapts itself itself around around limitations limitations rather rather compromise. than supporting supporting the the people people who who use use it. it. than

...a workplace designed for growth is more valuable than one designed for today. ...a workplace designed for growth is more valuable than one designed for today.

Wh tte e W ha att M Maatt tte tt errss M Mo osstt || Good Good workplaces workplaces are are not not designed designed to to stand stand still. still. Like the Like the businesses businesses they they support, support, they they are are expected expected to to adapt, adapt, grow, grow, and and change over time. Planning for that future is often the difference between change over time. Planning for that future is often the difference between investing once investing once and and investing investing twice. twice. The challenge is not The challenge is not predicting predicting the the future future perfectly. perfectly. It It is is creating creating an an envienvironment resilient ronment resilient enough enough to to respond respond when when circumstances circumstances change. change. BusiBusinesses evolve, teams expand, and priorities shift. A workplace that can nesses evolve, teams expand, and priorities shift. A workplace that can adapt alongside adapt alongside them them will will almost almost always always deliver deliver greater greater value value than than one one designed for a single moment in time. designed for a single moment in time. Thanks for reading :) Thanks for reading :) | Design Dude | Design Dude | Inspiration for the Population | Inspiration for the Population | Email: DesignDude.20@gmail.com | Email: DesignDude.20@gmail.com

...workplace challenges often emerge as businesses outgrow their original plan. ...workplace challenges often emerge as businesses outgrow their original plan.

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Essex Food Review

The Farm Cafe The Maldon by Black Pig Smokehouse Maldon Maldon Maldon Maldon

For me, it’s coming back into cosy brunch season and there’s no better time to review our absolute favourite brunch This place has been on my radar for a spot in Essex. while now and there wasofaMaldon, break in Tucked away onsince the outskirts the heat wave we decided now was the just twenty minutes from Chelmsford, it’s time to go! It was a Sunday afternoon, the kind of place that feels like a bit of a after despite arriving how in Maldon, drove down find, popularwe it has become. a little road towards river and The cafe is set insidethe a beautiful reached this place. A quirky, by rustic but converted barn, surrounded welcoming little restaurant sat countryside. It has that relaxed right farm on cafe the waters edge awaited us. *PS, feel, but the food is a step above there what is a brilliant nextThe door filled you mightantiques normallyshop expect. menu with vintage pinball machines and changes with the seasons and focuses on restored jukeboxes! good quality produce, with plenty of

local ingredients where possible. I almost want to describe the food as the Michelin star of breakfasts while maintaining a hearty and good value for money style. Having been a few times now, I always try to order something new from the menu. Everything is SO good. The Black Pig Brunch, the Mushrooms on Toast, their famous hash browns and the French Toast is definitely one to go for if you have more of a sweet tooth. The Lambton & Jackson smoked salmon comes from the smokehouse right next door which is cool.

Luckily, we managed to get the last table next to the water and ordered quickly. There are a selection of bench tables outside, plus some lounge chairs and also seating inside. The menu is quite small but the main idea is to get their sharing board and try their in house smoked food. They do have a couple of The menu has a really good mix of dishes, a beef and veggie lasagna for brunch classics alongside slightly more those who don’t eat fish. interesting dishes, with everything from We had calamari and halloumi to start Eggs Benny and Eggs Royale to accompanied by the house Sauvignon. pancakes, smashed avocado and For mains, we had the Mixed Deli Board. smoked kippers. We also always get a This was huge, and at £55, we shared Chai Latte - so good! between 3 of us with a side of fries. Page 18

Two besties dishing up Two bestieson dishing up the details Essex’s the details on Essex’s best restaurants cafes, best restaurants cafes, pubs and pop-ups. pubs and pop-ups.

Best friends Hannah and Issy, both born and raised in Chelmsford Best friends Hannah and Issy, both decided to turn their love for food born and raised in Chelmsford and eating out into Instagram decided to turn theiran love for food page dedicated to reviewing and and eating out into an Instagram recommending eateries across page dedicated to reviewing and Essex, alongside helping food recommending eaterieslocal across businesses and events Essex, alongside helpingwith localtheir food marketingand andevents social with media. businesses their Getand in touch: marketing social media. @essexfoodreview Get in touch:

essexfoodreview@gmail.com @essexfoodreview essexfoodreview@gmail.com

There’s both indoor and outdoor There was smoked duck, ham, smoked seating, and dogs are welcome, making cheeses, an assortment of seafood, it a perfect spot to visit before or after a olives,Itpickles and so a bag of all types of walk. gets busy, I’d recommend bread. The crevettes and salmon pate booking to avoid disappointment, were particular highlights. Thealso fries especially at weekends. They do were also delicious. It was Roasts a wonderful, event catering and Sunday chilled the afternoon the river Blackwater during winter by peiod. withusgreat wine company and Let knowfood, if you get and to go! we thoroughly recommend. Book first to avoid disappointment!

Essex Essex Food Foodx Review Review x

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Award winning care homes

Manor Lodge care home, Chelmsford

Supporting people with advanced dementia event Wednesday 23rd September, 6pm - 8pm Join us to find out more about how the brain changes during the advanced stages of dementia and how you can support your loved one with their changing physical and emotional needs, and behaviours.

To book please call 01245 904 876 or email karla.smith2@careuk.com Trusted to care Page 20

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Advertising Feature Advertising Feature

“Staff supported me to put on a pantomime at the home.” Elvina, care home resident

At Care UK’s Manor Lodge in Chelmsford, every resident is supported to live their life the way they choose. Our experienced team takes pride in offering quality residential, nursing, dementia and respite care. above and beyond to help her put on a pantomime in the home with a local school. “The children loved it,” she says.

Elvina, a Care UK care home resident, shares how the care home’s dedicated colleagues help to tailor her experience to her needs and wishes.

The pantomime also brought back happy memories for Elvina, who remembers enjoying shows with her mum and brother. “It was wonderful, absolutely wonderful!”

‘I believe utterly in them’ Elvina first became aware of her local Care UK care home when her late husband Bill moved in. “The team were so kind to him, and he thought it was wonderful here,” she explains. “It was such a relief to get him somewhere where I thought, ‘he’s safe, he’s being looked after’.” She joined Bill in the home after many happy visits enjoying activities and lunch together, and the pair shared a couples’ suite. “That was an absolute delight. We could snuggle down in our own place if we wanted to, or if we had something we were bursting to tell the other person they were just through their door!” Elvina’s husband sadly passed away, but she continues to feel comfort, reassurance and kindness from the team. Elvina says, “I believe utterly in them and all they did for Bill.”

Trust us to care

Highly trained teams offer a unique, tailored lifestyle

Our caring teams are trained to make every part of your loved one’s stay tailored to their needs, interests and preferences.

With the support of the care home team, Elvina continues to forge friendships with other residents and be actively involved in her local community. “I love people. I love helping where I can,” she explains.

Care UK is a leading independent care home provider with some of the highest quality ratings of the UK’s larger care providers, and over 40 years’ experience of delivering high-quality care to older people.

Care UK teams are trained to get to know everything they can about each resident, so that they can make every aspect of their time enjoyable and meaningful. Knowing that Elvina is a former drama and English literature teacher – as well as a pantomime writer – the team went

For more information about Manor Lodge in Chelmsford, call 01245 904 876 or visit careuk.com/manor-lodge

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stuff in the UK from the chains. Give me Italian life any day of the week. Una vita meravigliosa!

s k l o f o l l He I’m back! Did you miss me? Of course you did. A big shout-out to Rachel Bear for taking on my column for August and single-handedly reducing the average age of the contributors to this magazine by half!

I am writing this month’s column from Crispiero, Le Marche in Italy, perched on the side of a hill surrounded by mountains and valleys. If this view doesn’t inspire me to write, then nothing ever will. I know what you are thinking. Who does he think he is? Andy Bloody Burnham? He’s had the month off, spends a couple of days at his desk and then he swans off on holiday. That’s the life of a Prime Minister and a magazine editor, folks, what can I say? Do you know what I love about Italy? In the time that I’ve been here, I’ve visited half a dozen towns in the Marche region and all of them have been unashamedly traditional Italian towns. Italian restaurants, Italian bars, Italian shops, Italian pizza and Italian gelato. I never saw a single McDonald’s, Costa, KFC, Starbucks or Pizza Hut. I’m going to take a guess: there are more than three dozen of the aforementioned in total in Chelmsford alone. Am I wrong? I doubt it. The pizza, pasta and gelato here are like nothing we have in the UK, in my opinion. I suppose you can find quality authentic food from all over the world in the UK, but there is just so much mass-produced

Moving on, I have named this magazine “The Green, Green Grass of September Edition” more in hope than anything else. At the time of writing, my grass (back in the UK) remains yellow and crisp to walk on. I have too much grass to water it regularly; my water bill would go through the roof, albeit that is irrelevant now because we are blessed with a hosepipe ban. Isn’t grass a wonderful thing? How it somehow completely dies during drought but miraculously recovers with water is beyond me, but I digress; all those leaking pipes and lack of maintenance have taken their toll, and now reservoirs are low and we the users must pay for that. I hope this does not affect the water company chairman’s bonus, as that would be truly tragic. I am considering installing an irrigation system to keep my garden lush, and here’s the thing: I have a small stream that runs through my garden that I can pump the water from. I am actually quite looking forward to the water board, or whatever they are called these days, knocking on my door during the next hosepipe ban. I’ll try not to sound too smug. I’ll let you all know how this works out in future columns. I shall end this column on a positive note, and I will share with you my view every morning as I write this column. I’ve woken up to worse views, as anyone who knows me will verify. Have a fabulous September, folks. Almost

another year gone in the blink of an eye. If I didn’t know better, I would believe years are actually getting shorter. I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but let’s be honest, we all live by our phones these days and if our phones skipped a couple of months a year or our day was reduced to 20 hours, perhaps while we slept, we would not notice! Honestly, it took me 3 days to realise that Italy is one hour ahead of the UK. My phone clock quietly and efficiently moved forward one hour when I landed, and it wasn’t until a friend pointed out that I was messaging her at 2 am that I realised. 20-hour days and 294 days in a year and you’d not notice I tell you! Unless it was your birthday in one of the months omitted, of course, but the government would find a solution to that, I am sure. Anyhow, enough of this nonsense.

TTFN Deaks Over the Edge graham@overtheedgemag.co.uk

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Plan’ environment. So, are we now facing a backward step? The office community have always been quite precious about who they sit with and it seems that more and more companies are bringing back offices, which I do not agree with – this is a movement away from collaboration in the workplace. Good day everyone and thanks for reading my column this month. Firstly, I would like to say congrats to Deaks for all of the great work over the last 3 months, pulling together some amazing features. This month’s interview with the legendary Joe Cole on page 26 is amazing. What a sublime piece of fortune, to be able to interview such a star of WHUFC.

The office environment is a simple one but complicated by so many people having a different view, which is good, but as a Designer, it can be frustrating. Of course, nobody wants to be told what to do or to be dictated to, but imagine if we had spaces which were so disjointed that an eclectic felt dizzy!

Office environments are certainly becoming more ‘homely’ and comfortable. The placement of Boxed-In elegant leather sofas, comfy armchairs I suppose all of my columns to date and footstools etc help this along. are focussed on the new norm since However, the introduction of PODs, the pandemic. More and more people if used as they should, and NOT are working from home with ‘Agile’ as makeshift individual offices will and ‘Hybrid’ solutions popping up certainly work and adds further everywhere. interest. If the whole community could see these as another space Interestingly, over the last 5 years, to enjoy when they want to ‘focus’ or furniture manufacturers have really Call 01245 478111 07710 358347 take some time to work remotely it pushed the concept of smaller VisitPODs lkgdaughers.co.uk would be great. Last month, I spoke individual onto the design about having our place of work for industry for placement into commercial everyone, not7SY just the chosen few and space. On the flip-side, Designers, West Hanningfield Road,as Great Baddow, Chelmsford, Essex, CM2 the introduction of PODs means that we have spent 20 years working towards a more collaborative ‘Open anyone could have their ‘15 minutes’.

Local Plumbing & Heating Engineers, Supporting Local People (and Pets)

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Some can be elegant, whereas some are downright ugly. What are the criteria for having the right POD? For those of you that are not familiar, I have shown an image of something which we are installing into our projects currently. Many designers in the industry will take Style over Substance, but there is a balance, each requiring compromise.

Many managers were losing their offices and were being allocated a desk in the open plan with their teams. One of my rebellious customers showed great creativity to build his own pre-millennium POD using cardboard. So, on the Monday morning after the move into the new facility, there he was with 2m high cardboard walls surrounding his desk, he had even constructed a cardboard roof with a sliding cardboard door which he taped shut! I think if we had smartphones back then, it would have gone viral – it FUSEBOARD CHANGES OR UPGRADES was amazing!

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ELECTRICAL REPAIRS Nowadays, we have the most & MAINTENANCE incredible opportunities with our work DOMESTIC COMMERCIAL spaces, as many & firms try hard to ELECTRICAL SERVICES create a great environment for their staff. NB: it is never perfect for us all FULL OR PART RE-WIRE and it will never be easy, but with a little compromise, it can be better than EICR CERTIFICATES we had before and closer to our ideal. EV CAR CHARGER

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In 1995 I designed the offices for XeroxUK with a concerted shift away from cellular space, which Contact Us I can state, for this particular community was Thanks for reading Phone/Text/WhatsApp: enormous. Once, one of the most 01245 699128 successful companies in the world 07852 867042 Design Dude and cash rich until the patent for Inspiration for the Population Social Media or Email: their devices ran out (c1975) thereby Encore.Electrical luke@encoreelectricalservices.co.uk Please feel free to email: allowing Cannon & Ricoh et al to clamber all-over their market share. DesignDude.20@gmail.com

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OVERtheLINE LOCAL SPORT UPDATES

in the Club’s 150-year history – a significant milestone for Essex Cricket.

ESSEX CRICKET

England Women to Return to Chelmsford in 2027

Essex County Cricket Club is delighted to confirm that the Ambassador Cruise Line Ground will once again host England Women next year when they take on Bangladesh Women on Friday 24 September 2027. The 50-over match will conclude England Women’s summer of cricket, so contact Essex Cricket’s ticketing office on: 01245 252420 or questions@essexcricket.org. uk to register your interest in international tickets.

Lewis, a former professional athlete and an Olympian, joins the Board having served as Chair of Essex Cricket in the Community for the past three years, where she has driven engagement and inclusivity initiatives across the county. Her appointment comes at a pivotal moment for the Club, as both the Men’s and Women’s first teams compete in the top tier of domestic cricket, the Community work of the Club across the region goes from strength to strength, and a major ground redevelopment programme is set to get underway. On her appointment, Lewis said: “It is an immense honour to be appointed Chair of Essex County Cricket Club. This Club has a proud heritage, and I am excited to build on that foundation as we embark on a critical new chapter. I am grateful for the trust placed in me, and I look forward to working with the Board, our players, staff, and Members to ensure success.”

at an average of 71.37, including two centuries and two halfcenturies. One of those centuries was his maiden professional hundred. The 21-year-old finished the group stages as the leading run-scorer in the competition and was also awarded the Essex Men’s WeFinanceAnyCar.com Player of the Month for July.

Jodi Grewcock Bound for England Duty

Essex Women’s talented all-rounder Jodi Grewcock has again been called up to the England Women’s ODI Squad, following her maiden call-up earlier this season.

CHELMSFORD CITY FOOTBALL CLUB

number of teams for a day full of sport, community spirit, and fundraising. We were proud to field three Black Magic teams at the event, all of whom thoroughly enjoyed the day. Alongside the competitive netball tournament, there were plenty of fun games and activities that helped create a lively and welcoming atmosphere throughout. It was incredibly well organised, and a real pleasure for our club to be part of something so special. A huge thank you goes to the organisers and everyone behind the scenes who worked so hard to put the day together and ensure everything ran so smoothly. With so many teams entering across the tournament, the standard and energy throughout the day was incredible. The energy on the day was brilliant, and all three of our teams represented Black Magic with enthusiasm and great sportsmanship, making it a memorable experience for everyone involved.

Sam Cook and Jordan Cox Named in England Test Match Squad

Essex Cricket duo Sam Cook and Jordan Cox have both been named in England Men’s latest squad for the upcoming Test series against Pakistan.

Rachel Lewis Becomes First Female Chair

Essex County Cricket Club announced a landmark appointment, confirming Rachel Lewis as the new Chair of the Board. Lewis is now the first female Chair

Essex Men’s vice-captain Sam Cook returns to the England Test squad after making his Test debut against Zimbabwe at Trent Bridge last summer, where he claimed his maiden Test wicket on a batterfriendly pitch.

Look out for next month’s Over the Edge. Deaks will be interviewing Lyle Taylor for The BIG Interview in the October magazine.

Wicket-keeper batter Jordan Cox, who made his Test debut earlier this summer against New Zealand at the Kia Oval, is set to bat at number three in place of the injured Jacob Bethell.

Black Magic recently took part in a fantastic netball charity event in support of the Multiple Sclerosis Society, bringing together a huge

NETBALL

Noah Thain Leading One Day Cup Run-Scorer Essex Men’s all-rounder Noah Thain had an incredible Metro Bank One Day Cup campaign, scoring 571 runs

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Southend-on-Sea: Don’t Knock It Let’s be honest, when you think of glamorous destinations around the world, Southend-on-Sea probably isn’t the first place that springs to mind. I’m not going to pretend it’s the Essex equivalent of the French Riviera. Equally, it’s probably not somewhere I’d choose to wander around after dark. But for a day out with primary-school-aged kids, I genuinely think Southend is difficult to beat. Yes, it’s a little bit chavvy and slightly run-down in places, but show me a British seaside town that isn’t. On a sunny day, there’s something wonderfully nostalgic about it. The real winner for me is Adventure Island. It’s grown enormously over the years and has a brilliant selection of rides for younger children, including a few that provide just enough terror to keep the adults entertained too. Best of all, we recently paid around £30 per child for an annual pass giving them unlimited rides for a year. We kept count on our last visit and, between lunchtime and about 5pm, the kids managed 16 rides. Try doing that at one of the major theme parks, where you can spend most of your day queueing while the children slowly turn against each other. At Adventure Island, you’re generally off one ride and onto another within minutes. There are arcades too, obviously, where you can spend £40 winning enough tickets to exchange for something worth approximately 73p. There are places to eat, including one with singing waiting staff, and the annual pass even gets you discounts.

Add in the Sea Life centre, a trip along the world-famous pier and, if you’re feeling energetic, making the kids walk its entire length, and there’s easily a full day of entertainment. Finish it off with fish and chips and a 99 Ice Cream by the sea and, honestly, what’s not to like? Southend might not be glamorous, but on a sunny day with the kids, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.

The Great Coffee Shop Conspiracy I’m sure I’m not the only one, but I genuinely don’t understand modern coffee shops. I recently popped into Starbucks thinking I’d grab a quick coffee and something to eat. Simple enough, I thought. Eight pounds later, I walked out with a coffee and a croissant. Now, I know prices have gone up, but eight quid? For that sort of money I was expecting someone to follow me home and mow the lawn. The real frustration, though, wasn’t the price; it was the ordering process. I stood patiently in the queue while every person in front of me seemingly ordered a completely bespoke drink. There were extra shots, fewer shots, oat milk, almond milk, coconut milk, hotter water, less foam, more foam, syrups, sprinkles and combinations that sounded more like chemistry experiments than beverages. Honestly… it’s a coffee. By the time my turn came, I felt guilty simply asking for a normal one. The croissant wasn’t much better. It had all the freshness of a kitchen sponge, while the coffee itself was mostly warm milk with a vague hint that someone had once walked past a coffee bean.

Maybe I’m just old-fashioned. Give me a spoonful of Nescafé, two sugars and a splash of milk, and I’m perfectly happy. It takes about thirty seconds to make, costs a fraction of the price and, dare I say it, actually tastes like coffee. Perhaps that’s why I struggle with these places. They somehow manage to make buying a hot drink feel like applying for a mortgage. I know plenty of people love them, and fair play if that’s your thing. As for me, I’ll save the eight quid, put the kettle on at home and spend the change on a packet of decent biscuits. Now that’s my idea of a coffee break.

Obsession: Be Careful What You Wish For I recently stumbled across a horror film called Obsession, and I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. The basic premise is a classic “be careful what you wish for” story. Bear, played by Michael Johnston, is hopelessly in love with his friend Nikki but can’t bring himself to tell her how he feels. He gets hold of something called a “One Wish Willow” and wishes that Nikki would love him more than anyone else in the world. What could possibly go wrong? Quite a lot, as it turns out. His wish works, but Nikki’s newfound love quickly develops into something considerably more sinister. I’ll leave it there because saying much more would spoil the fun. Now, Obsession isn’t perfect. Some of the storyline is fairly predictable, and there were moments where I could see what was coming a mile off. But it kept me entertained throughout and had just the right mixture of tension, horror and dark

BILLY HINKEN humour. The standout for me was Inde Navarrette as Nikki. She was excellent and managed to switch between charming, vulnerable and completely terrifying remarkably well. There were definitely a few moments when I was watching through my fingers. Perhaps most impressive is that it doesn’t feel like a massive Hollywood blockbuster. It’s a relatively simple idea executed really well, proving you don’t necessarily need endless special effects and enormous budgets to make an entertaining film. I spend far too much of my life endlessly scrolling through streaming services trying to find something worth watching, normally giving up after 20 minutes and watching something I’ve already seen. So, if you fancy a slightly disturbing night in, save yourself the scrolling and give Obsession a go. Just remember the golden rule.... Be very careful what you wish for.

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establishing ourselves as the Napa Valley of the East. Take a short 30-minute drive into the Essex countryside, and you are suddenly in premier wine territory. Yes, you heard that right.

Hold my Beer

or Rather, My Essex Pinot Noir

If you’ve switched on the national news lately, you’d be forgiven for thinking the UK is being slowly swallowed by a wave of grey concrete. From endless debates about disappearing greenbelts to the lamentable state of urban sprawl, the narrative suggests finding a decent patch of nature is becoming harder than securing a reasonably priced pint at a football match. Across the country, towns seem engaged in turf wars over sad-looking roundabouts, desperately rebranding weeds pushing through the pavement as “micro-nature reserves.” But here in our neck of the woods, Chelmsford is quietly standing at the bar, looking at the national gloom, and saying: “Hold my beer,” or more accurately for our region, “Hold my perfectly chilled, locally-sourced vintage.” While I could easily spend this column bragging about our city’s award-winning parks, because we all love a championlevel green space to walk off last night’s dinner, the true magic of Chelmsford extends just beyond the city limits. We are blessed to be flanked by genuinely glorious surrounding towns and villages. A short drive takes you straight into rolling countryside that makes you completely forget the M25 even exists. While other counties argue over planning permissions, we are quietly Page 28

You can spend a sunny afternoon discovering the family-run Missing Gate Vineyard in Bicknacre, where generations of farming expertise have translated into seriously exquisite local bottles. A little further sits the historic New Hall Wine Estate in Purleigh; with over 120 acres of vines, it is one of the oldest and largest vineyards in the country. And if you want a view with your vintage, head to Crouch Ridge in Althorne, where you can sip award-winning sparkling wine on gentle south-facing slopes overlooking the River Crouch. It’s genuinely inspiring to see how our local area is thriving. While the rest of the nation tries to squeeze a potted plant onto a high street, we are strolling through pristine vineyards on our doorstep. Next time someone complains about the concrete jungle taking over the UK, point them toward Chelmsford and its glorious neighbours. We have the scenery, the charm, and most importantly, the wine to prove them wrong.

h c a e R l a b lo G e g Over the Ed We love sharing photos that our readers send in, and this month we have some belters from Inverness to Cornwall with Edge Hog making an appearance in Mexico City. Please continue sending us your photos, and we will share them here. The seagull is the star in this photo, but our thanks go to Mick Carter who managed to get close enough during a visit to Looe in Cornwall Leather-clad Angus MacDonald tells us that the locals are rightly proud of the Keswick Bridge in Inverness. Not far from the Loch Ness monster, Angus tells us. It’s behind you, Gus! And finally, we have Julietaz with friends in Mexico City celebrating a Mexico win, presumably before they met England, during World Cup 2026. Where will Edge Hog turn up next?

CHELMSFORD’S GHOST PUBS

This month we’re popping into The Rose & Crown at 170 Rainsford Rd. Another establishment built in the inter-war period with a few design elements that showcased the period’s Brewers Tudor style. It was a Charrington’s house. For me and my mates, in our late teens and early twenties, Rainsford Road was along our regular route into town when we were heading out for a session. On Friday evenings we’d typically have our first pint in The Rose & Crown. The older regulars tolerated us and made occasional conversation, but our stays were usually fleeting. It will always have a place in my heart, qualifying as a proper boozer because the gents’ toilets were housed in a separate outbuilding (the brick structure on the left in the photograph), meaning that relief of a full bladder involved a walk across

the car park to the front of the establishment. The pub, before it went the way of so many, functioned for a few years as an Indian restaurant called The Radoni but was sadly demolished around 2015 and ultimately flats were built upon the site. Deaks informs me that he recalls The Rose & Crown being the very first pub in which he got served and

had a pint. He claims it was in 1976 when he was sixteen years old, but we wouldn’t be surprised if it was earlier. He vividly remembers the flock wallpaper, a sort of velvet swirl of a pattern in a shade of burgundy on all the walls. And he remembers going there frequently with his pals Tony Taylor, Daryl Anderson, Graham Dodd and Nozzy. Apparently £1 bought 4 pints of beer and 4 bags of crisps in those days! Over the Edge 07803 422808

Vic on on the Vic theTelly Telly

dragons, caused by a lie, two comedy in it too and it made me It is a Belfast based police show”, Iof hear you say. I was been prominent in criticising it. As youthat might have read edition The Edge, me and think other trivia game drama is set after thein the last Targaryens siblings lead two recommended this one by a work Whatabout was the BBCTV thinking? I’m the Mrs changed ourhad tv package from Virgin Media to Now TV. The shows. There was one a few troubles. Both series 6 opposing armies. colleague. This is the drama series okay with Romesh, but too much Now TV package also had Sky Atlantic included, a channel I have episodes each. Both series had One be on years that isbrother a bit likeshould the filmrightly but more of himago cancalled put mePaul rightSinha’s off. Maybe admired TV Showdown Paul an arc of from otherafar. stuff. It has been the throneout. butItisisnot; his stunning, brother stretched visually someone should makeSinha a spoofofof Chase fame. Ithighlighti wasn’t very reviewed as a great show which having mistakenly put It and thebeen CGI work is top-notch. the campaign ng allgood. the My column for Over the Edge will be talking and reviewing television films. Itdetails will include Itthings had athe celebrity panel too. You I agree with. There will be many there. It’s a little slower has hasand meti culous andand an epic BBC has got wrong. Bluewatchable. Lights It will be called morevicontvandfilms. series as the BBC believes anything Since watching television and films has scope. It isscenery. technically polished. fantastic know, like giving airtime and huge INCOME TV Showdown brought backSavile, in this series. It is worth a watch changed over the years, streaming will be included. salaries to the likes of Jimmy First up is Blue Lights. First PROTECTION The BBC gets a look in next with the memories of Telly Addicts. I was and you can see if you like it. Huw Edwards and Gregg Wallace shown on the BBC and still I watched another Netflix series drama, I, Jack Wright. It’s a six-part ato 10name yearaold kid when ithas first few. Also, ITV its own The first to be reviewed iscalled a controversial one,Ever The Tattooist serial of Auschwitz. I had seen it available on series BBC iPlayer. Me Worst Neighbor drama. It revolves around the started and was near abouts House of Dragon competi ng slogan, “There’s No Place andadvertised my Mrs saw end of the onthe television and when we changed provider I was able to see it. It will not be everyone’s (apologies for the spelling, but it’s an aftermath of Jack Wright’s death. my Like20’s ITV.”when it ended. My firstcup series in Manchester last have American BUY Next for me toand review is House of tea. ATO lotLET of people asked how can you a drama out the holocaust? did! show it’smake also where Wasof it suicide or murder?They Family knowledge of TV back then was year. I thought no more of it till of the Dragon. I saw that Series it’s based). and friends contest the will after its not that great, but it has grown. earlier this year when I came 2 was advertised to start in June. leavesdisturbing everyone shocked. This series was based on Heather Morris’s book of the same name.reading It’s brutal, and This mostly had the general It’s a real-lifeGame story of across it again and watched I watched of neighbours Thrones Plus, secrets do eachcamp of them This month I’m starti with I Will devastating. Itng covers theit relationship between Lala Sololov and Gita in what the concentration FIRSTfrom public as contestants with the whose disputes escalate into the beginning. before on DVD as I did not have have? There are elements of murder Find You, a 2026, 8-part drama on NO CHARGE OR OBLIGATION FOR YOUR INITIALcelebrity. ENQUIRY in thefraud television drama, switches between now and the time in occasional It was violence, and tragedy. It has TIME of Auschwitz. Lala, the protagonist Listening to thethe intro music Sky Atlantic.with historical inaccuracies. mystery within family drama. Netflix. It’s another adaptati on of the camp. Like all programmes it is littered I think it is worth a watch, I interviews, body cam footage and hosted by Noel Edmonds. BUYERS brought back memories of Game a Harlan Coben suspense binged it inthriller two weeks. I’llThrones. talk a little bit about the BBC animated ons that tellof theHouse story of I missed secti the first series novel. The premise is that David advertising campaign, “What has when fi lm footage is not available. It of the Dragon but will try and Burroughs has been imprisoned for EQUITY everwatched done for me?” depicts the harrowing experiences boxthe setBBC I have latelyFrom is True Detective. I watched the first series find a way to see Another it. I have series seen Smart TV killing his young son, Matthew. Then what I found out,the theyNight did a similar RELEASE of the victims and the criminal and all of the fourth series called Country. Season one was the best of the the whole of Series 2. House a photo turns up that suggests his The third television programme ad about 40-odd years ago too, actions of their neighbours. Last but“Far not least The by twoprequel in my opinion. From the haunting song at the beginning fromcomes any road” of the Dragon is the to review is aRob Beckett’s Smart son is still alive. featuring lot of stars of yesteryear Rapture, a BBCof drama. It’s amain 5-part series one had the back and forth timelines the two Game of Thrones,the setHandsome some 200 Family, TV, game showand based TV whoahave passed a fewon who psychological thriller based on the He has to fight his way to escape years prior. It’s notcharacters as shocking Rusty Cohle Marty whoone were knowledge. are stilland around. TheHart current is played by Matthew McConaughey Liz working Jensen novel. Ruth Madeley from prison, encountering an as Game of Thrones was andwhich Woody Harrelson respectively. Two polar opposites together to solve a fronted by Romesh Ranganathan. It plays Dr Gabrielle Fox, a clinical unknown enemy. Who is behind a groundbreaker and veryfeatured gruesome murder and other crimes. This season had two male main characters. also format rhymes a bit It showcases The is twotoo. teams of three psychotherapist who was paralysed the deception and why? You have beheadings, molten gold what the BBC have done for usas now. celebrities with one of them a and widowed in a car accident. She to keep watching with red herrings crowns, crushed heads etc. seasonpermanent Blowing own trumpet to abeing high captain, these The fourth has twoitsfemale detectives solving the disappearance of Bethany a set of is given a patient called aplenty. It is plot-hole-ridden but The main storylinescientists of Seriesfrom 2 a research degree.Hammond andonly JoshflashbacksKrall, Alison centre. The are how things happened. This who is a 17-year-old detained worth a watch. I have now watched series one was the warring factions of thecharacters Widdecombe. one’s main are Liz Danvers and EvangelineinNavarro played by Jodie Foster a mental hospital. She was Cringeworthy self-adverti sement and two on iPlayer. Targaryens, the Here is a question. Has streaming and Kali Reis respectively. I have been a fan of Fosteraccused since I of was little. killing her mother. Beth is what it has done. Unsurprisingly, There may be a third series next greens and the blacks. The host,ofas says,(The is Rob elongated dramas, thinning them Up next is Avatar: The Last also sees the future it’s a slow the likes Allyit Ross Sun) and year. Readying “Yet for the war of the Beckett. It has elements of out too much? burner. Airbender. another Netf lix Kevin O’Sullivan (Talk TV) have

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Show at the Shire Chelmsford Art Society opens the Shire Hall to the public

F

ounded in 1951, Chelmsford Art Society has been part of the city’s creative life for 75 years. That in itself is worth celebrating, but just as important is how the Society has continued to evolve.

“

At its heart, Chelmsford Art Society is about people who enjoy art, learning from others and sharing that enthusiasm

”

Carol works across painting and stained glass.

I’m a member myself, and as a digital artist my own way of working is probably rather different from that of many members. Yet that has never felt like a barrier. I think it says something very positive about the Society that traditional painting, contemporary approaches and newer digital processes can all sit comfortably alongside one another. At its heart, Chelmsford Art Society is about people who enjoy art, learning from others and sharing that enthusiasm and importantly, you don’t have to know how to paint to become involved. Throughout the year, members can attend demonstrations and talks from visiting professional artists, covering everything from oils, acrylics, pastel and watercolour to portraiture, landscapes, animals and more experimental approaches. During the Covid lockdowns, when meeting in person became impossible, I filmed some of the Society’s artist demonstrations as live streams on YouTube. I really enjoyed the process because it gave me the chance to watch closely and listen as each artist explained not only what they were doing, but why. Hearing someone talk through their choices of colour, composition, materials and technique reminded me how much you can learn simply by watching another artist at work. There are also workshops, summer painting days and opportunities to exhibit.

Page 30

Joining an art society can perhaps feel intimidating if you haven’t painted since school or don’t consider yourself “an artist”, but there is no requirement to arrive with experience, confidence or a portfolio under your arm. The variety of work produced by members is one of the Society’s strengths. Carol Chesher works across painting and stained glass, while Svetlana Gavrisheva creates accomplished figurative and observational work, predominantly in oils. Jenny Newman brings a bold, contemporary approach through energetic acrylic painting, while David Schreiber creates an eclectic range of work, including some wonderfully vibrant landscapes. I particularly remember seeing his work at the Burnham Art Trail, where those landscapes really stood out. There is also a chance to see work by all of these artists this autumn, when Chelmsford Art Society holds an exhibition at the Shire Hall from 10th to 17th October. It should be a great opportunity to see just how varied the work within the Society really is. And if you’re curious about joining, you don’t have to commit straight away. Visitors are welcome to come along as guests to one of the Society’s meetings, watch a demonstration, meet some members and see whether it feels right for them. After 75 years, Chelmsford Art Society continues to do what it has always done best: bringing people together through art, sharing knowledge and encouraging creativity - while remaining open to new ideas, new approaches and, hopefully, plenty of new faces. See you at the Shire Hall, 10th-17th of October, Alistair. Over the Edge 07803 422808

Carol Chesire

Christine Hopper

JAG Gillan

Svetlana Gavrisheva

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at any of the following locations: The White Hart, Little Waltham - The Galvin Green Man, Howe Street - Little Channels Bistro - Bang & Olufsen Channels Restaurant - Channels Café - Nationwide Building Soc - Rayleigh Hi-Fi - Park & Ride (Chelmer Valley & Sandon) - Moulsham News - Costa Coffee (Beaulieu, Riverside, Essex Regiment Way) - Coffee Squared, Beaulieu - Bond Street car park - Fête, Grays Yard - Mercedes, BMW/Mini, Land Rover & Audi showrooms - The Lion Inn, Boreham - Sainsbury’s Boreham - Longacres Garden Centre - NISA Sandford Rd - Tesco, Princes Rd - Miller & Carter - Fox & Raven - Co-Op, Bridge St, Writtle - 2MT Café, Roxwell Rd - The Ship - China City, Broomfield Parade Claremont Garden Centre & The Tin Roof Café, Woodham Mortimer - The Royal Steamer - Jamaica Blue, Bond St ACanteen, New London Rd - Mr Cavendish, Rainsford Rd Meadow Croft Garden Centre, Battlesbridge - Toast - The Cricketers - Sandwich Plus, New St - Little Waltham Social Club & Doctors Surgery - The Hub Café, Warners Farm The Rose of India, Rainsford Rd - Pontlands Park Hotel, Gt Baddow - The White Hart, Margaretting Tye - The Royal Tiger, Rettendon - The Vape Store, Broomfield Parade Tesco, Gt Notley Braintree - ASDA, Chelmer Village - The Riverside Inn - The Two Brewers - The Wheatsheaf - The Woolpack - O’Connor’s - United Brethren - The Orange Tree - The Queen’s Head - The Nags Head - The Railway Tavern - Morrisons, Maldon - Sainsbury’s, Chipping Ongar

What’s Happened to the Yorkshire Pudding? Sunday roast always used to be part of family life, but nowadays fewer households sit down to a traditional family Sunday lunch, and it’s estimated that only around 50% of households still follow the tradition of this weekend meal, with many now eating later on Sundays. With the extended 7-day working week, availability of stores and shops opening over the weekend, Sunday as a family day of rest has all but disappeared, as has the traditional get-together Sunday roast at the family home. More commonly, people are now able to eat their Sunday roast in a choice of pubs and restaurants, which offer a menu that will suit everyone and includes roast beef, lamb, pork and chicken as well as fish and vegetarian options. With these less traditional offerings becoming much more popular, around 50% of those who still have a Sunday roast opt to eat theirs in either a pub or restaurant. They’ll still get their Sunday roast, classic roast potatoes, and vegetables, gravy, plus or minus the cauliflower cheese (although the jury is still out as to whether this is truly part of a Sunday roast). The ‘gravy purists’ say NO; the opposing camp says YES, claiming that it adds a certain richness to the meal – anyway, you choose, there are no rules. Then of course there is the Yorkshire pudding. What’s happening to this iconic part of the traditional Sunday Roast? Rooted in history, the original Yorkshire pudding or ‘dripping pudding’ was first described in 1747 and has been a mainstay of the Sunday roast since that time. The ideal size is supposedly 6-7cm (2.5-3 inches) wide and 2.5-3cm (1-1.5 inches) tall, which gives the pudding a crunchy edge and soft centre, though many recipes claim that a traditional Yorkshire should be 7.5 cm (3.5 inches) wide and 5cm (2 inches) tall. Believe it or not, the Royal Society of Chemistry and some Cambridge academics got involved in the pudding recipe, and yes, these boffins went on and produced the ideal recipe and ideal size of our beloved Yorkshire pudding – you’d think they’d have better things to do, wouldn’t you? But no, they clearly didn’t, and these supposed culinary experts then came up with the revolutionary statement

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Old Grey Silver Surfer that the ideal Yorkshire pudding should be, “No less than 4 inches (10cm) in height.” They also came up with the perfect recipe, which I’ll now share with you. It goes something like this: Carbohydrate (sugar, flour) + Water + Protein (usually milk and eggs) + Salt + Fat (milk, butter, fat or dripping), but the most important and relevant finding they came up with was, “don’t put the batter in the fridge, let it breathe at room temperature.” Isn’t science wonderful? Ok, so there you are, loaded up with all this up-to-date scientific knowledge, and you are now at your local pub or restaurant sitting down for a traditional Sunday roast. You then order your preferred roast meat/vegetarian or fish option, with all the trimmings (plus or minus the cauliflower cheese) and then your meal is served, and sitting on top of everything is a massive, and I mean massive, Yorkshire pudding that’s at least half the size of the dinner plate. Yes, you got it. Whilst it’s fully in line with the Royal Society of Chemistry guidelines, and sits a perfect 4 inches tall, nobody has recommended the ideal width, and wow, it’s at least 15-20cm (6-8 inches) wide, at least half the size of your plate. Why? Well, for a start, you will feel that you are getting value for money, and it’s also a simple and cost-effective way for the pub or restaurant to ensure that you are getting a full plate of food, and in a more modern context it looks very, very dramatic, and looks oh so great on your social media. Pubs and restaurants will argue that it provides a comforting appearance to the food and is a clear throwback to the hearty and very traditional Sunday lunch of a bygone era. So, whatever the size, provided it has a crispy edge and soft centre, long may the Yorkshire pudding rule. Over the Edge 07803 422808

New Local Strolling and Exploring Group

T

he Chelmsford u3a Strolling and Exploring group plan short walks at an easy pace, stopping to look at historical sites, heritage, architecture, blue plaques, street art and anything else that makes us pause, think and chat.

We met for our first walk at Chelmsford Cathedral. Here we read the memorial to the three Marys who died in a fire above the Lloyds High Street branch. We then made our way along Duke Street, pausing to see the street artwork memorial to the Chelmsford witches. Turning left between the Brewhouse & Kitchen and the Railway Tavern, we took the footpath to Central Park via the underpass. We admired the murals and spotted one of the silly signs Chelmsford has become known for. This one warned us that “Underpants are liable to flood”. Many of these signs have been removed over concerns they might distract motorists, but this one has survived. We walked past the lake, the Central Park café and under an arch of the impressive Chelmsford viaduct. Built in 1842, it is over 200m long, has 18 arches and carries the railway over the River Can and Central Park. The line continues over the A1060, shops, restaurants, bars, cafés, Duke Street, Chelmsford railway station and beyond, forming a kilometre-long brick wall of more than 60 arches. It rivals Yorkshire’s Ribblehead viaduct in scale, if not height. Ribblehead’s taller and more famous viaduct, built decades later on the Settle–Carlisle line, is about 400m long and has 24 arches rising over 100 feet above dramatic moorland, with views of the Yorkshire Three Peaks. Continuing through Central Park, we followed the River Can upstream to Admiral’s Park. These parks are an

asset, providing traffic-free routes from Writtle and West Chelmsford into the city centre. The underpass joining Central Park to Admiral’s Park floods after heavy rain. One surviving sign here advises that snorkels and flippers can be obtained from the council in the event of a flood. This underpass also has excellent murals, including one of a dog on a skateboard who was, until recently, a regular at Chelmsford Parkrun. We used the unpaved riverbank in Admiral’s Park. It has a reasonably good surface, though a paved path also runs parallel to it. A narrowgauge railway once ran through here, linking the brickworks to the town centre. There’s no trace now of that railway, the brickworks it served or the Admiral’s grand country house that once stood here, but a short section of rail survives, tucked away in the woods. We took a selfie at the Sustrans NCN 1 sign. National Cycle Route 1 is a long-distance cycling path of over 1,200 miles (around 2,000 km) from Dover in Kent to the northeast of Scotland, forming the UK leg of the international EuroVelo 12 North Sea Cycle Route and passing through London and Edinburgh — so Admiral’s Park is, in a sense, well connected to the rest of Europe. Here we also read about the Admiral. He was Rear Admiral John Faithfull Fortescue, who served on naval warships in the late 18th century. He retired as a captain and was promoted to superannuated Rear Admiral in 1805. In Tower Gardens, we found an artwork installation with a sundial and a spiral path. It was designed and built by home-schooled students from recycled materials such as bottle tops. The gardens often receive awards, with beautiful flower beds and an arboretum of unique specimen trees. The name of the gardens is attributable to the large red brick water tower that stood on the site

of the adjacent car park until its demolition a few decades ago. Standing prominently within the gardens is a historic stone conduit rotunda with a dome supported by six Doric columns; it is a Grade II listed building. It was originally erected in Tindall Square in 1814 to cover the water supply. It was moved in 1852 to the other end of the High Street outside what is now the Metro Bank and finally relocated to Tower Gardens in 1940 to prevent traffic obstruction. We returned through the parks and finished our walk at the Central Park café. Our group is open to new members: • Most of our walks will be in Chelmsford, but we may go further afield in future. • Distances vary, typically less than 3 miles. • We plan and check routes on footpaths with good surfaces, avoiding steps and stiles where possible. When that isn’t possible, we give notice in advance. • Even though the start and finish points may vary, they are usually close together and near a cafe and public transport. Chris Purse

Chelmsford u3a is a volunteer-led organisation which offers very reasonably priced learning and social opportunities to people who are no longer working full time and who enjoy getting together to share their skills and learn for fun. Our members believe in life-long learning, and they achieve this by forming self-help Interest Groups covering a wide range of topics and activities. Our meetings and social events ensure that everyone feels included, has the chance to make new friends and enjoy themselves.

https://chelmsford. u3asite.uk/

OONNLLYY JJOOKKIINNGG!!

A Man is in bed with a married woman … when suddenly they hear the front door slam. “It’s my husband. Hide in the bathroom,” says the woman I got fired from my job because I kept asking my franti cally. they would Thecustomers man runs whether into the bathroom justprefer as the‘smoking’ husband or ‘non-smoking’. Apparently, the correct terms are enters the bedroom. cremation or burial. “Honey, why are you naked?” the husband asks. “I was waiting for you, dear,” she says. I getthe cross with you, argue TheHusband: husband “When walks into bathroom andyou seesnever a naked man standing there the ceiling with a toilet back. How do youpoking control your anger?” plunger. Wife: “I clean the toilet.” “Who the hell“How are you?” Husband: does the thathusband help?” yells. ‘I’m the moth says the naked man. Wife: “I useexterminator,” your toothbrush.” “Why the hell are you naked?” shouts the husband. TheA naked looksme down, back in shock andto copperman pulled overjumps for speeding and said yells, me, “If you can give me a reasonable excuse I’ve “Those sneaky buggers!”

never heard before, l’ll let you go.”

I said, my husband off with Due to the“Several ongoing years water ago, shortage in Ireland,ran Dublin his secretary. I thought you werethey trying bringlanes him swimming baths have just announced areto closing back 7 and 8. to me.”

The copper replied. “Just slow down a bit and have a

day madam.” Fornice years I’ve been on the waiting list for an allotment. Then old Mr Smith died, and I thought, ‘I’m in here …’ only to bemy toldGrandfather by my new neighbour that hethat hadhe gotgot it! Before died, he told me I was fuming. to see the Titanic and that from the very beginning, I went to the council offices in a rage, so much so that my he told them the passengers shouldn’t get on board words all ran oneitanother andtothey I’d lost because heinto knew was going sink.told Butme nobody thelistened, plot. and he repeatedly told them right up to the minute they kicked him out of the cinema.

Guy walks into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer, “How much is your fee?” localanswers, barber just got arrested for selling drugs. TheMy lawyer “I charge £50 for three questions.” customer 6 years, and I had no idea TheI’ve guybeen says, his “Isn’t that kindfor of expensive?” was areplies, barber. Thehelawyer “Yes, it is… now what’s your third question?”

A man takes his dog to the circus and tells the

that German his dog can English and that I’veringmaster ordered some foodspeak over the internet. The he sauerkraut has butThe the ringmaster wurst is yetsays, to come. should be in arrived, the circus. “That’s rubbish. Prove it.”

A geezer hassays, just got hisI second on right on Who The man “Ok, will’ andquesti he asks his dog three Wants to Be a Millionaire, and is on £200. “Here’s the third questions: questi on,” says Jeremy; “What is on top of a house?” “Who as“Roof” the Great Train Robber? Was it: Thewas dogknown replies, a) RONNIE Biggs? B) RONNIE Barker? C) RONNIE O’Sullivan D) RONNIE Wood Geezer replies, “Well, Jeremy, I have had a lovely time, but I am going to take the £200. Final answer” “What?” says Jeremy, “Are you mad, you still have all your lifelines left!” Geezer replies, “I might be mad, Jeremy, but I’m no grass.”

should get an emotional support animal. So, l got

I ahave sex daily.… chicken. Deep fried. It came with a chocolate No, I have a sexy milkshake. I feelidle. better already. Dyslexia … I have dyslexia.

I was getting out of the shower when my girlfriend

A young man, fresh off the farm, goes off to college and, said, “You’re getting fat, just look at that belly. When for his first semester, happens to have precisely the same was the as last time you saw your I replied, schedule a young woman; everypecker?” one of their classes “It’stogether. been a They long time beng; fair.” said, “Why is are beginto visiti theShe young woman don’t you replied, “Why, whather colour is ait friendly, anddiet?” finallyI the young man asks out on now?” date. “Sorry, but I can’t. I’ve got to do my nails.” I was a funeral yesterday whenisI asked vicar for So, he at waits, asks again, and again put offthe by the woman with a lame excuse. When, for thehave thirdsome time, she the WiFi code and he shouted, “Please, declines, he asks, “So why won’t go out a date respect for the deceased,” and Iyou replied, “Isonthat all in with me?” lower case, vicar?” “Oh! I’m from the city, and I’ve heard about you farm boys. If you are attracted to both women and men, but “Heard? what?” neither Heard of them are attracted to you, that means you “I’ve heard how you make it with sheep and goats and are bi-yourself. chickens?” The lad is incredulous, “CHICKENS??!!!!??”

I told my wife the Amazon driver claims to have slept

with every woman Dear Deirdre in our street except When I was little, my father cheated on my mum and boy, My wife said, “It’s was there a hoo ha when they gotone! divorced. probably that stuck-up Then my mum died in a car accident. My brother and I had to go and live withatGranny. bitch No.14.” Great Grandmama was a hopeless gambler on the horses and Granny’s sister was an alcoholic. The whole family lived A husband died, and on Granny’s savings. a few years later the Granny recently died. wife died. When she My uncle Andy is barely keeping himself of jailshe fromsaw day got to out heaven, to day. her husband and ran My brother left home and won’t talk to us anymore. uptotosupport him with Dad, now 78, had to go out to work thetears family, in her eyes. thing! “Darling, and eventually, he expects me to do the same

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“Father, I’ve sinned, and I wish to confess.” “Go on, my son,” says the Father. “Okay. About two weeks ago, I was walking down my

street, and my neighbour said her fridge was broken and she asked if “Good boy!” and then I could come in and fix heSo, asks, it. I went inside and “What fiisxing the the opposite started fridge. smooth?” Itofstarted to rain really Dog replies, heavily. By the“Rough” time I was “That’s my boy!” the done, it was hammering down. So,and she pats said, him you guy says can’t go head. out in this rain. on the Come tea with “Whoand washave the best me and let’s talk. So, we Scotland goalkeeper of had tea and one thing led all time?” to another,barks and Ithe slept “Rough” dog. with her … But that’s not The ringmaster says, the whole story” “Getonout here “Go myofson, goand on,” stopthe wasting myFather. time!” said shocked and pushes them out “Well, last week, when his office andlocal slams I of popped to the shops, a woman said that her oven the door. wasn’t working and asked if I could help. I went inside, Whilst fiwalking toyou remember that incredible started xing it, back and do storm wethe had? Well, it was still pouring, so she said, you the car, dog looks can’t in this and weather. Come and have some food. up atleave his master So, we“Do ate,you andthink one thing led to another, and I slept with says, I her too. have But there’s more” should said Jim “Go on my son, go on” Leighton?” “Okay. Just yesterday I was driving in my car, and it started spluttering. Luckily, I was near a garage, and the A man has been shot mechanic turned out to be an old friend from school. He a starting fiwith xed the car, butpistol then it started chucking it down. He and come then beaten withhave some vodka and lemonade said, inside. Let’s a relay and catchbaton. up onPolice old times. We drank and got a bit tipsy. believe may a One thingitled to be another, and I slept with him. Father, race-related attack. what should I do?” Father turned to him and said, “Get out of here before it starts to rain!”said I My therapist

oh how I’ve missed Help she says. The you,” Yours sincerely husband extends his Prince stopping William. her arms, from embracing him, Little known fact: “Steady there woman, Richard Gere’s dad, the contract was until Gottler, was a famous death.” Swedish ventriloquist.

When I was Just heard onborn, the I was ugly the doctor newssothat Beyoncé has slapped mythat mother. discovered Roy Castle was really her father.

Can’tsomeone see her taking his Can please surname somehow. tell me what LGBTQ+ stands for? You won’tishear from Nobody giving meme a for a while, I’m being straight answer.

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investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables. I’ve gotta lilo. “Honestly PC Jones, I was just bumping the sheep over the fence to help her back into her field!” Man is hit by a flying power tool. He said, “Everything was fine, and then Bosch.”

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Three men were talking about their teenage daughters: The first says, “I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn’t even know she smoked.” The second says, “That’s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn’t even know I she asked the lass at the chemist drank.” thegot third up, “Both of you have got nothing to ifThen they’d anyspeaks Benylin. worry about. Ishe wassaid. cleaning my daughter’s room the other “For cough?” I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I I day, said,and “Whoa, I only asked.” didn’t even know she had a penis.”

Am I the only one who buys a dozen reusable Two IT engineers are sitti ng inand a cafe having a coff supermarket shopping bags leaves them in ee thewhen oneevery asks,single “How’stime? it going withI your newnot. girlfriend?” car Nope, thought The other replies, “Oh, I forgot to tell you. She came over to my place yesterday.”

My wife asked me, “What would be the female His friend nearly spills his coffee. equivalent of a man cave?” “Seriously? What happened? Tell me everything.” I “Well, said toI her, “That be amusic, kitchen.” put on herwould favourite and we started By the way, does anyone have a place I can stay for a dancing.” few nights? “Then what?” “We got closer... and eventually kissed.”

A“No wife’s prayer; way. Then what happened?” Dear “I liftGod ed her into my arms and sat her down on the table right nextme to amy new laptop.” You gave childhood... Thetook friend’s eyes widened. You it away... “Wow … me Waityouth... … You got a new laptop? Since when?” You gave “Just lastitweek. My parents bought it for me.” You took away... “That’s What are the specs?” You gaveamazing! me a husband... “50been TB storage, 64 gigI’m RAM, 9 processor.” It’s years now, justUltra saying. “Nice. Does it have a USB-C port?” “Yep, five.” The police came to my house today and said, “It looks “Touch screen?” like your husband has been hit by a bus.” “Also, yes.” I “Dude, said, “I that’s know, awesome.” but other than that, he has a lovely

personality and he’s great with the kids”

My new girlfriend got upset because she thinks that I don’t

My coffee shop a sign that reads, likelocal her cooking. So, tohas prove her wrong, I had “No another slice Wi-Fi, pretend it’s 1973.” of herjust gravy. So, I paid 15p for my coffee and lit up a cigarette.

I’ve just got back from the pub. I met this guy who says he identifies as a supermarket. I said to him, “How long have you felt like that?” and he replied, “Ever since I was Lidl.”

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Readers can take comfort in the knowledge that all of our jokes retire to the care of the OvertheEdge Old Jokes Home. Please visit them at www.overtheedgemag.co.uk/old-jokes-home Page 3430 Page

Overthe theEdge Edge 07803 422808 Over 07803 422808

Whereas most people I speak to seem to dread a big milestone birthday, or as a matter of fact any birthday as they get older, I tend to look upon them more positively. Another year of gaining some kind of new experience, another year making memories with the ones I love, but mostly another year of being grateful for who and what I have in my life, grateful for still being here as there are plenty of people that aren’t. Every extra day we get should never be taken for granted and most certainly should be seen as a blessing, even if the world itself seems to be going to pot at times.

That’s right folks, this September edition you hold in your hands coincides with this Ginger Polak hitting the big FIVE O.

As I’ve got older, I’ve tried not to dwell too much on the past, apart from my love of nostalgia with retro films and toys (obviously). And I’d like to think I’ve also got better at not worrying too much about the future but instead focusing more on the here and now and not missing a moment.

What I have learnt from my first 50 years on this planet is that life will constantly throw us curveballs, some good, some bad, some to challenge us and some to even try and break us.

and I still literally count down the days and hours for a release of a big movie I’ve been waiting for (ask Mrs Polak about the recent Mando and Grogu film to confirm this).

But through all of these experiences, they can help develop us to grow stronger as an individual and/or as a family unit. They have most certainly shown me sides of myself that I didn’t know existed (in a good way).

Leading up to my birthday, I’ve been asked if I will be holding a big party to mark this half-century celebration. The answer is “no”, but what I will be doing is two of my favourite things:

Am I the same person as I was thirty-odd years ago when I first got together with Mrs Polak? Absolutely not; in fact I’d be more worried if I was, as that would mean I’ve taken nothing from the years and experience I’ve had so far. Of course, in my heart and soul I will always be the same 5-10 year old who loves doing anything sporty, who gets excited by Star Wars and Transformers who couldn’t sleep on a Christmas Eve night due to the anticipation of what the morning might bring,

1. Enjoying a nice meal with my family 2. Laughing (if Tom Davis is on fine form at the Southend theatre). I don’t need any more than that. As my old man always used to say to me, “Life’s like football, it’s simple, just complicated by idiots” Till next time Be lucky The Polak xx

the tables quickly at the end of the night, but having a stack of water glasses, napkins and cutlery dumped under your nose when you haven’t yet reached for your coat also gives off a ‘you’ve outstayed your welcome’ vibe too.

With the end of the summer in sight (sob), I often spend the start of August recruiting a few new hands to fill the gaps left by any of our team who are heading off to Uni at the start of September. My ideal is to have a beautifully seamless crossover of about a month, with the experienced team teaching the newbies, so that come September, we aren’t hit with the shock of a busy autumn weekend, with 70% of the team looking shellshocked mid-Saturday morning rush. It’s an easing-in month so the newbies learn how we work.

All of these things to me, and the seasoned Fête gang, are normal. The standards are ingrained into our brains and are just habit, but having been reminded by our newest 16-year-old recruit that some of the things she’s learnt are ‘great but crazy’, I thought it might be entertaining to share some of these crazy things I teach. I must say that most of these things are there to uphold a certain standard, energy, ambience, or just make life easier, but I do understand that to a never-had-ajob 16-year-old, some things may be a little bizarre.

This year has been no different, and we’ve hired a few more young’ns (the still-at-school 16-year-olds) to fill the gaps of a couple of freshers who are off to Uni but have been with us since they were 16, so know the ropes well. I like to refer to this as the cycle of the generations of Fête – I think we’re on generation 4 of people that have been through the Fête school of life and restaurant work since we opened nearly 5 years ago. Anyway, what this year has reminded me of is how unhinged some of the things that I teach the new team really are. The newbies aren’t very good at hiding the looks of ‘is this crazy lady okay?’ from their faces when I ask them if they know the best way to wipe a table.

One of the first things I find is a good introduction into our detail is the ‘how to efficiently wipe down a dirty table’. First things first, we don’t spray the table directly with a spray bottle of stinky chemical spray. Why? Because do you want to have a waft of antibac soap smell descending over your Chicken Kimchi Waffles as you take your first bite? No. We take a damp, sanitised cloth to the table and wipe efficiently in big fat strokes starting from the top right corner of the table right down to the bottom left corner of the table. Three or four big swipes and you’re done. Greatly efficient when you’ve got 25 people at the door all impatiently waiting for their table that they’ve arrived early for. Most newbies instinctively wipe in little circular

motions in a random pattern. Great if you’ve got time to enjoy the smell of your new Mrs Hinch kitchen spray and don’t mind going back later to scrape off the dried-on egg yolk you missed, but we don’t have time for that. We count sugar sachets into sugar pots, 7 brown and 7 white to be precise. We do this every day. Why? Consistent standard = no ‘please can I have a sugar?’ mid-service, and there’s enough sugar in each pot to cover a busy daytime service even if you have a tea drinker that needs 4 sugars per pot. Plus it looks neat. We keep the candles lit and left on the tables right until the very last guest has left the restaurant in the evenings. Why? Because why should the people who have enjoyed their evening to the bitter end leave a restaurant that has a different, cold, unwelcoming ambience that is starkly different from the restaurant they entered at 8pm. Clearing up the candles whilst they’re still enjoying their last sip of espresso Martini also gives an ‘it’s time to go’ energy; yes, we do want to go home too, but there are less brash, more tactful ways to get rid of you (those tactics are secret though sorry). I also don’t like the team putting the ‘ready to lay’ table set up close to a table of guests that look like they are about to leave. Yes, we want to relay

As always, I could write forever about these silly little details that give me a weird sense of contentment. My last insight of craziness I will share is that I like the team to leave an empty wine cooler on the table even if the guests have said no to a second bottle of wine. If you’re out for dinner with the girls and your bottle of Sauvignon is finished by the time your main courses arrive, and you opt against ordering a second bottle, we will take the empty bottle but leave the cooler on the table. Why? Because I have this (probably false) belief that if the wine cooler stays, you’re more likely to eventually order another bottle instead of opting for a glass or a soft drink. The wine cooler acts as a psychological nudge. This is probably utter rubbish but something I have always done. If it works, great and if it doesn’t, who cares. Now you understand why the newbies look at me weirdly. I hate to think what they go home and tell their parents, but these details make our restaurant consistent, hopefully boost sales and make us more efficient as a team. I’m sure I’m not the only hospitality weirdo that has a collection of wonderful ideals that make restaurant service better. I do also teach our managers about the Restaurant God, but I won’t go into that one. If you know, you know. Laura Fête Grays Yard

Pressure The tagline for Pressure is “The Untold True Story of D-Day.”

The problem is that the story of D-Day has been told many times, and we already know the outcome, so it’s hard for any film to sustain audience tension. This time, we discover how the weather affected the decisions leading up to D-Day. But is Pressure a worthwhile addition to the burgeoning army of World War II side stories, or is it just a lot of hot air? Just 72 hours before the D-Day landings, weather expert James Stagg (Andrew Scott) advises Dwight D. Eisenhower (a solid Brendan Fraser) to cancel the operation due to his prediction of a massive storm rolling in, despite the seemingly fine weather. Cue lots of important men shouting at each other in war rooms while poring over maps, and plenty of hand-wringing over the potentially dire predicament they find themselves in. Classically trained thespian Damian Lewis steals the show here as the moustache-twirling “Monty”, who insists the invasion must go ahead as planned, while Andrew Scott’s stoic Stagg tries to keep his cool despite mounting “pressure” from the military top brass. The story is twisty enough to sustain interest, and the way the landings ultimately play out feels like divine intervention. If it wasn’t true, you probably wouldn’t believe it. There isn’t anything particularly original on offer here, and these kinds of World War II side stories are ten-a-penny. But it’s important that these stories keep being told, and Pressure makes for a fine Sunday afternoon with a cup of tea and a biscuit. A proper dad movie. Pressure is in cinemas from September 9th.

The Furious Doting dad, Wang, goes on a rampage after his daughter is kidnapped by a child sex-trafficking gang in this wildly violent martial arts throwdown that makes Taken look like playschool.

Snatched in broad daylight, Wang gives chase on foot in an attempt to rescue his daughter from a speeding van, resulting in a stunningly choreographed race through the streets of Bangkok. Failing to rescue her, he seeks help from the cops, who are unwilling to get involved, most of them being waist-deep in corruption themselves. Fortunately, our hero Wang has a “particular set of skills” — namely, he’s an expert martial artist. And so, he teams up with undercover reporter Navin, whose wife was killed by the same gang (and who is also pretty handy with his fists), before proceeding to run riot through Thailand’s underworld and take out the trash. Page 36

The plot is really just a means to have an absolute tear-up, with one outrageous fight scene after another. Highlights include a brawl in an underground nightclub which culminates in what can best be described as a human tower inside a mixed martial arts cage. There’s an assault on a police station from a crazed assassin armed with just a bow and arrow. And a fiveway showdown featuring a big, bald-headed nut job who seemingly runs on all fours and whose preferred method of attack is launching himself headfirst at his opponents like a human cannonball. It’s all completely batshit crazy, but a whole heap of fun. Yes, it’s a tad too long and would have benefited from some tighter editing. But who doesn’t enjoy seeing some particularly nasty villains getting their just desserts served up in a knuckle sandwich? The Furious is available to rent/buy on digital.

The Odyssey I just missed last month’s deadline to feature this in the August edition. But, in a way, I’m glad I did, as it has given me the chance to not only see it again but properly digest this juggernaut of a movie.

By the time you read this, The Odyssey will have surpassed a billion dollars at the box office to become one of the biggest films of the year, helped no doubt by unprecedented demand to see it in IMAX, with some screens being sold out for months in advance. A story as old as time itself, The Odyssey, based on Homer’s epic poem, is the tale of Odysseus’ journey home after the Trojan War and the many trials and tribulations he faces at the hands of the gods. Despite somewhat sniffy grumblings from some academics about how writer-director Christopher Nolan has modernised the tale with contemporary English and American accents, the masterstroke here is how he has made this ancient sword-and-sandal classic appealing to the masses without dumbing anything down. The Odyssey uses a diverse cast of Hollywood stars to deliver a true summer blockbuster on a huge scale — a level that only Christopher Nolan seems to be working at these days. Despite its lengthy runtime, the movie rattles along as Odysseus and his band of not-so-merry men face seemingly insurmountable challenges. Meanwhile, back home, his long-suffering wife Penelope tries to fend off the advances of predatory suitors with designs on taking the throne. An encounter with a Cyclops which goes horribly awry, invoking the anger of Poseidon himself, sets off a chain of events that leaves our “hero” lost at sea. A tribe of heavily armoured giants lays waste to Odysseus’ men, and things only get worse when the survivors seek refuge at the home of Circe, a powerful witch who turns them into pigs in what can best be described as true horror on screen. Ultimately, a short review can’t really do this film justice, with so many layers and jaw-dropping action scenes to talk about. Suffice to say, it’s an incredibly

satisfying watch, and one that demands to be seen on the biggest screen possible. The Odyssey is in cinemas now

Ice Cream Man A contender for worst film of the year, Ice Cream Man is a reimagining of an obscure (and equally terrible) ’90s horror of the same name.

Director Eli Roth made a bit of a name for himself in the early noughties, becoming the enfant terrible (as the French would say) of the horror world with his controversial Hostel movies, bringing what would become known as the “torture porn” subgenre to audiences. Since then, his career has pretty much nose-dived, and this new offering is his weakest effort yet. It’s a shame, as this is the first offering from his “Horror Section” label, which was crowdfunded by fans who could share in the spoils if they invested in it. It’s unlikely, though, that Ice Cream Man will see any return on investment, as it fails on almost every level. The “plot”, of which there’s barely one, has a mysterious ice cream man arrive in a bog-standard suburb and serve up oddly named ice creams to kids, who in turn become crazed killers and start slaughtering the adults in lots of bloody and squishy ways. A seesaw to the head did raise a slight smirk. And that’s it, really. There are no character arcs, no build-up and very little payoff. Billed as a horror comedy, it commits the cardinal sin of being neither funny nor scary — unless, of course, you find jokes about bulimia hilarious. And for a film called Ice Cream Man, well, he barely registers in it, remaining a complete non-entity throughout. At least the original was actually about the titular character. Save your time and money and treat yourself to a ’99 instead. Ice Cream Man will be available on digital later this year Over the Edge 07803 422808

It’s a real thing; I see it all the time. The tea and scones are finished; they stand up. The attack starts with zipping up and pulling of coat, cap and just a bit of general interference by the other half. And behold, it led to the first sign a few weeks back.

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pham ‘Man on the..C..la Omnibus... .still’

It’s a sign I have been party to a couple of things recently that were clear ‘first signs’ of very different things. The September print deadline looms, and the reminder from Deaks about who is done and who the laggards are is not far away, but it is Monday 3rd August as I write. I was in the supermarket here in Notley yesterday, and here I came across a very subtle but nonetheless absolute ‘first sign’. Tucked away at the very back of the store, next to the ‘Back-to-School’ stationery section (they’ve only just broken up for heaven’s sake), it stood. A pallet of (not so) Quality Street, stacked about six feet high, and with the usual highly inflated price of several hundred pounds but with the alleged giveaway member’s price flashed up. It was a first sign that we are much closer to you know what (that thing that should not be mentioned until at least late October), and you need to start preparing. There the stack stood, a brooding, mean tower of tubs, letting you know very, very subtly that it is coming. I felt a pang of disappointment as we were about to enter the sixth heatwave of the year when I would be more worried about a shortage of (decent) ice cream than stocking up on chocolates. I mean, where the hell would you store them safely so that you don’t end up with a multi-flavour 500-gram single solid chunk in your tub? That would go down well on trick or treat night. Oof, that’s a first sign for you all too! The trick would be on them as they tried to get their small jawbone round a solid meteor-sized lump of Cadbury’s! A bad first sign in that case for sure. Since retiring and confessing to having joined the garden centre café circuit, there has been a fair bit of people watching, people of a certain generation. I have been reminded of watching my mum standing there tidying my dad up before leaving the house. A tie straightening (yes, ties were worn back then all the time), pulling of jumper, adjustment of cap, etc etc.

We were ready to go out; I am not a scruffy bloke by any measure and am fairly particular about my appearance, but it happened. The order to stop was given, she closed in, the cap was adjusted, t-shirt pulled down and some unnecessary pulling and tugging here and there. It was done; I was violated, tidy but violated. I was shocked, and there it was, that first sign that the descent into that next life stage had begun. I stood there remembering my dad just accepting his fate just as I was doing now, like a child on their way out the door going to school! If I had hair, no doubt, there would have been some kind of instant styling carried out too. The descent into a first purchase of The People’s Friend magazine is not far away. I guess the ultimate first sign came back in July. The kids are on the last days at school, frazzled teachers looking forward to hoofing them all out of the door for a few weeks. The big supermarkets and clothing retailers start the back-to-school clothing ranges before they have even left, something I never understood; my teenage son could grow a foot and three shoe sizes in the six-week holidays, so buying uniform as he left was a serious punt against hormones. But the ultimate ‘first sign’ comes from the (alleged) top people’s store as the tabloid press lovingly call it, Harrods. Their Christmas store, there I have said it, it’s out in the open now, opened its doors in July. Five sodding months to go and these reptiles create conflict; I mean, are you going to want frosty candy canes in your ice cream or perhaps a nice turkey salad before Boxing Day? It’s a bit much. Under the old regime, Shaun (EE) would ban any mention of the C word until you were literally opening your presents.

of fish and returned with mince pies, a turkey and stuffing sandwich and a Cornetto. In 2025 the first ‘seasonal songs’ hit the charts in mid-November, meaning that if repeated this year, we get to open the door to the ghosty crowd with George Michael and Mariah Carey playing in the background. Now, dear old Motty may even be contributing to this. Google keeps data on all keyboard enquiries and searches in the broadest terms and links them into clusters of themes. I have been searching extensively for why Christmas comes earlier each year, so it now thinks Braintree is a Christmassy hotspot and August is when we are thinking about it. I think I have invented a new term for all this Summer/Autumnal/Winter overlap, “Seasonal Conflict”. I don’t mean the type that happens at nine o’clock on a Christmas night after too many sweet sherries have been consumed by your nan who then decides to do a credible impersonation of Catherine Tate’s character ‘Nan’ and lets rip with a few home truths. Nope, I mean still eating a Rossi ice cream whilst Halloween is all around, and climate change throwing in milder temperatures so it’s possible to be wearing a nice pair of Italian high-waist shorts in December!

A few funny things have happened in my turning; next door had some building work It is now a recognised fact that Christmas done and now has a green triangular house, creep starts earlier each year. Retailers will then across the road changed theirs and it is tell you it’s to help you spread out the cost in these straightened times. I say no way; let’s be now a rectangular yellow house. It was when honest about those tubs in the supermarket I the one on the corner remodelled theirs into mentioned at the start. If one of those enters an orange octagonal house that I realised I was the house, then 320 it is toast; it will be found now living on Quality Street! The Edge new_The Edge 172.qxd 17/02/2025 18:46 Page 29 and emptied long before autumn leaves start to consider falling and any trick or sodding Just warming you up! treats can be had! Mums have secret hiding Yours aye, places that are in reality not that secret to sugar-hungry dads and children. Mr Kipling launched mince pies in September last year; that means you could be picking a box up with the September OTE. I only popped in for a box

anyone who doesn’t put their recycling out on time or puts a branch in their green bin. “Just grass cuttings, you know,” he reminds everyone. He immediately reprimanded me for spreading false information. I poked my tongue out at him and said, “How do you know? I saw it on TikTok this morning, so it must be true.” Just then another neighbour came out shouting, “South Woodham has been blown up!” Well, there I was, babysitting my friend’s Malinois dog — you know, the ones they keep showing you leaping out of aeroplanes, climbing walls, navigating bomb sites and jumping across cliffs. Where was her dog? Under the bloody sofa.

Is It Me… Or Is Everyone Trying to Kill Me? This month’s column is dedicated to all the mothers who have, by now, no doubt been downing gin at 9.30am after dropping the kids back at school and scrolling on their phones for trauma counselling. I stood outside my house in July, on the last day of school, chatting to my lovely neighbour. We talked about how blissful it was going to be having the children at home for the summer. Then I saw her again on August Bank Holiday at the village fun day. She looked like a different woman. Two odd shoes, hair that looked like it had been blow-dried upside down, bags under her eyes — the type of eyes you see when observing someone wearing a straitjacket — and white palms where she had been fighting to rub sun cream onto three children under five for six weeks. You just knew she was regretting her life decisions in that moment. I remember those days well. I would pick my son up on the last day of school, and we would sing all the way home, “School’s Out for Summer,” at the top of our voices. By the end of the six weeks, no one would be singing, that’s for sure. More like moaning in pain. But what a month I have had. I honestly don’t know whether I have been coming or going, or whether Page 38

I was going to make it through to another column. The heat, for starters. Lying in bed, too scared to open my window in case someone climbs up the drainpipe and gets in and murders me in my sleep — and I still have a packet of Maltesers and a Twix to eat in the Fridge. So, I lie there like I’m in some sort of punishment cell, with the Shark fan blasting me in the eyeballs with recycled heat. Then the alarm clock goes off, and I realise I have only just dropped off 20 minutes ago. This month has quite literally been lived by the seat of my pants. A week ago, I was in my home office typing away at another chapter of my book when suddenly the whole house shook. The windows rattled, the glass staircase heaved, and then there was this terrific bang. Seconds later, everyone’s car alarms and house alarms were going off, and people came screaming into the street shouting, “Is everyone alright?” I managed to get outside, having selected my kitten-heel emergency shoes from the rack, to find the whole street in uproar. Someone shouted down to me, “Do you know what has happened, Tracie? Can you help us out with any information?” What, moi? “Who are these people? Do they not know me?” I always say to people, if you want my help, you must be at rock bottom because most days I can’t even help myself. But in the spirit of neighbourhood relations, I shouted out: “I think the Iranians have finally carried out their threat!” Just then, George the Grass showed up. Now, we all call him that because he has a hotline to the council, snitching on

So, I called my friend to see if she was alright. “Yeah, of course I am. You just woke me up.” “Well, apparently you’ve been bombed!” She ran to the window. “Oh, my God! There’s black smoke and fire engines everywhere — and I have a date tonight! Bloody heck, why me? Why does it have to be tonight they bomb?” Well, I went onto our local community page looking for information about what to do in the event of a bomb. All I could find was someone flogging an old mattress and some deceased clothes, open to offers – a bit previous I thought, flogging her old man’s clothes, and they had not even announced the death toll yet. Still, waste not want not, as my nan used to say. So, I posted, “Anyone know anything about the bomb going off?” I was promptly suspended for going against the community page’s rules. Anyway, there was no bombing. It was a fertiliser storage barn in East Hanningfield that had gone up. But if that wasn’t enough, no — it gets worse. A few days later I woke up to no water. Have you ever woken up, turned on your tap and nothing comes out? It’s like some sort of apocalyptic nightmare. No shower. No water for brushing your teeth. So, I did the only sensible thing I could. I cancelled my meeting, opened a bottle of champagne to quench my thirst and used bottled water to rig up a makeshift shower. Since the hosepipe ban, I have seen people in my street sneaking about with the hosepipe disguised as a rolled-up blanket, covertly watering their hanging baskets at midnight. Honestly, you would think we were in the middle of a national emergency. Actually, given the month I’ve had,

perhaps we were. Then I had to see my GP for a tablet review and was told, “Given the average life expectancy in the UK, you can expect to have another 10–15 years ahead of you.” “10–15 years? Are you mad?” I said. I have plenty of good years left in me. I have always said I will live to 100, so I will have you know I am only just over halfway there – he gave me one of his side eyes. Bloody cheek! I drove back from the doctors smarting and ranting to myself in the car when the bloody phone started going mad. I nearly crashed into the car in front, which had stopped abruptly in the road, along with all the other cars. People were running around outside the Co-op, grabbing children’s hands and legging it down the road. So, I pulled over and parked. I looked at my phone. There it was staring at me. The Government Severe Warning. Oh my God. They had bombed us. Or the aliens had landed. What was I going to do? I mentally checked my face in my car mirror and thanked myself for buying Maybelline All Day Wear make-up, built to last and not some cheaper alternative. At least someone would find me dead with a beautifully contoured face intact. I only had half a bottle of milk in the fridge and a satsuma to offer them as a bargaining chip when they came calling to take me. I’ve seen War of the Worlds and The Walking Dead; in fact, I have started watching all 15 series of it again just in case I missed anything on surviving an apocalypse. When I finally plucked up the courage to look at the message, it said: “Don’t use a disposable BBQ.” I’m sorry, but what? No 10-minute warning of Death. I cannot cook, Mr Burnham, not even in an oven, mate, let alone on a bit of mesh and charcoal in the open. What, do you think I’m a savage? I like my matcha tea and organic porridge to start my day - that message does not apply to me. A piece of toast counts as a cooked dinner in my world. But what is going on? This Emergency Warning thing was supposed to be for a dire emergency. Some twit with a £1.99 BBQ from Home Bargains is not a threat to civilisation. At this rate, I may have to revise my plans. Maybe I won’t make it to Christmas. Anyway, I’m off. If I survive the heat, the bombs, the water shortage, the Government warnings, George the Grass and my own cooking, I’ll see you next month - when there will probably be flash floods and risk of being washed away by the melting ice caps as they create a Tsumami in the River Chelmer. Stay Safe out there. Hopefully. Totally Tracie Over the Edge 07803 422808

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