OutreachNC February 2019

COMPLIMENTARY

Our 9th Anniversary Issue

FEBRUARY 2019 | VOL.10, ISSUE 2

Serving the Sandhills & Southern Piedmont

| OUTREACHNC.COM

COMPLIMENTARY

Our 9th Anniversary Issue

Love &Marriage FEBRUARY 2019 | VOL.10, ISSUE 2

Serving the Sandhills & Southern Piedmont

FEBRUARY 2019 |

OutreachNC.com 1

| OUTREACHNC.COM

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features CONTENTS

32

56

30

48

32

54

38

56

ONC BOOK CLUB: Our Souls at Night Review THE NATURE OF LOVE: A Look at Love and Family from Brady Beck CAROLINA CONVERSATIONS: David & Linda Childers - A Love Built on Risk & Respect

44

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR: The Year of the Pig

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SPEED DATING IN YOUR 70'S: A Documentary About Dating Teaches Us About Love

NO ONE EVER NEEDS TO BE LONELY: Moore County Senior Enrichment Center PHOTO ESSAY: Aroma Cafe and Bakery

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A STORY OF PICTURE-PERFECT LOVE: City Center Gallery & Books

FEBRUARY 2019 |

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CONTENTS

departments 14

9

IN VERSE: Take Flight Barbara Stoughton

20

22

MENTAL WELLNESS: The Lasting Union Denise O'Donoghue

10

24

BRAIN HEALTH: Psychological Triggers Karen Sullivan, PhD, ABPP

12

26

NAVIGATING HEALTHCARE: Wellness Team Cara Herring, LCSW

14

28

TRIUMPHANT ELDER: Heart Healthy Herbs Tim Keim, EYT 500, Yoga Therapist

16

SCAM ALERT: Are You Susceptible to Fraud?

Patty LePage

62

GREY MATTER PUZZLES Crossword, Word Search, Sudoku

18

EYE HEALTH: Understanding AMD Zeina Haddad, MD

65

OVER MY SHOULDER: Let Me Count The Ways Ann Robson

66

GENERATIONS: How does your best friend make you laugh?

ASK THE EXPERT: Blended Families Kate Pomplun, LMSW, CMC DENTAL HEALTH: Celebrate a Healthy Mouth Laura Wellener, DDS

DRIVIN' FOR LUNCH: A Step Back In Time Ray Linville

20

SIMPLE COOKING: Banana Bread Kim Freigo

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OutreachNC.com | FEBRUARY 2019

There is no remedy for love but to love more.

HENRY DAVID THOREAU FEBRUARY 2019 |

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from the publisher

February marks the 9th anniversary of OutreachNC Magazine. It is the perfect opportunity to share a little bit about our original vision and ongoing mission as it has evolved over the years. OutreachNC started as a way for our parent company, Aging Outreach Services, to give back to the community and offer educational resources to adults in their second 50. The publication reaches a 9-county region of south-central North Carolina, purposefully targeting more rural regions that may not have access to the same resources as larger counties. Those who advertise with us help support that mission.

One of the unexpected perks we discovered is the opportunity to meet some amazing people and share their stories. The magazine profiles services and programs that may be helpful to our readers and features life experiences by those who hope to inspire others. Despite the joys, the struggles and the challenges we all face, the magazine has helped people realize we are not alone on our journey.

Age 50+ consumers are not done living. Active adults are now redefining how to get more out of life. OutreachNC provides them with the lifestyle resources, ideas, solutions and education to do just this! Our publication appeals to the older adult, the adult child, the grandchild and the professional who shares our passion to embrace The Second 50! Reader feedback comes from people of all ages and we could not be more thrilled to continue to share it all with our readers as we enter our 9th year.

Happy Birthday OutreachNC and thank you to all who have helped make it possible over the years.

from the editor

Greetings from the OutreachNC editor’s cottage. As we hunker down for a few more weeks of winter, I’ve got love on the brain. This month’s theme is love & marriage and the many ways love is manifest in our lives throughout the decades.

We explore love and marriage from the perspective of couples who’ve managed to keep that love alive through decades of life: jobs, homes, children, moves, more jobs, more kids, etc. We see how they used life’s high peaks to help them endure through the inevitable lower valleys. And we explore love from the lens of people searching for it, trying to foster it and leaning into it when it seems as if it may be long gone.

In our Carolina Conversation with North Carolina poet and musician David Childers, we explore not only his career and post-retirement life but how that life flows together with his wife’s passions and pleasures (page 38).

We look at the love of Hank and Diane Parfitt of City Center Gallery & Books in Fayetteville, who have both retired and now share their dream of championing the arts and bolstering books in the community they love (page 58).

We listen to widowed and single people who, even after the age of 70, are still looking for love as much as the rest of us, asking themselves who will touch them, care for them and love them as they chart new territory as speed-dating singles (page 48).

As I think of my own loves, I am reminded of Aristotle’s famous words: Go then if you must, but remember, no matter how foolish your deeds, those who love you will love you still.

I don’t know if there is any more hopeful sentiment than that.

In love,

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Editor-in-Chief Amy Phariss | Editor@OutreachNC.com Creative Director Kim Gilley | The Village Printers Creative & Graphic Designer Sarah McElroy | The Village Printers Ad Designers Stephanie Budd, Cyndi Fifield, Sarah McElroy Proofreader Kate Pomplun Photography Diana Matthews, Caitlin Penna Contributors Zeina Haddad, Barbara Hengstenberg, Cara Herring, Tim Keim, Patty LePage, Ray Linville, Denise O’Donoghue, Amy Phariss, Kate Pomplun, Ann Robson, Jonathan Scott, Barbara Stoughton, Karen Sullivan, Laura Wellener, Publisher Amy Natt | AmyN@AgingOutreachServices.com Marketing & Public Relations Director Susan McKenzie | SusanM@AgingOutreachServices.com Circulation 910-692-0683 | info@OutreachNC.com OutreachNC PO Box 2478 | 676 NW Broad Street Southern Pines, NC 28388 910-692-9609 Office | 910-695-0766 Fax info@OutreachNC.com | www.OutreachNC.com

In Verse

By Barbara Stoughton Can you find in trees The connecting link Between land and sky?

I know the birds can.

I can’t climb over Through stripes of dark Pine trunks Up to the azure sky.

Yet with my soul I can.

A sea bird searching Interrupts wave progression While he stops to feast.

Pole pilings reflect More than deep crosshatched lines In the tide of time.

Twilight bay surprise Twelve zooming geese fly by, and I Take flight with the last.

OutreachNC is a publication of The entire contents of OutreachNC are copyrighted by Aging Outreach Services. Reproduction or use without permission of editorial, photographic or graphic content in any manner is prohibited.

OutreachNC is published monthly on the first of each month.

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advice

Our Aging Life Care ProfessionalsTM will answer any aging questions you may have.

Email us your questions! info@OutreachNC.com

ASK THE EXPERT

Caregiving Within A Blended Family

by Kate Pomplun, LMSW, CMC My parents divorced when I was a teenager and my dad remarried while I was away at college. I have a good relationship with his wife and have spent some time with her adult children, but we aren’t close. His wife was recently diagnosed with dementia and the caregiving burden is already taking a toll on my dad. He wants to keep her home as long as possible, but I worry his health may suffer. How do I help both of them while not stepping on toes of others in our blended family?

There continues to be a rise in blended families and remarriages in general, and remarriage occurs even more as people age. A 2013 study by the Pew Research Center showed 50% of adults ages 65 and older had remarried. This is up from 34% in 1960. A number of factors contribute to this rise, but let’s discuss how this affects adult children and caregiving roles.

Caregiver roles for both spouses and adult children are strenuous, even in the best family situations. When you throw in step siblings and second or third marriages, these stressors can be further exacerbated if there have been difficult or distant relationships in the past.

Take heart, though; this does not mean blended families are doomed to fail when it comes to caring for their older parents. Much of the same advice for blood-related siblings also applies to blended-family situations.

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First, having a discussion with your dad about what his wife and he planned as far as long term care is crucial. This is true whether you are part of a blended family or not. The earlier you can do this, the better. If they haven’t fully discussed the topic or made plans, encourage them to do so as soon as possible. The more his wife can have a say in how she’d prefer (and not prefer) care, the more empowered she will feel and the less of a burden it can be for you, your siblings and step-siblings as far as opinions and decision making goes.

Ask if they’d like you to coordinate a group discussion with all involved adult children so they can share their plans. Or, maybe they would prefer to write a letter together to all the children explaining their decisions. This allows each adult child to hear the same verbiage while allowing time to read and understand. No one can interrupt a conversation written in a letter.

If your father and stepmother are struggling to make a plan, ask what would be most helpful to get started. You could facilitate a conversation among all the children about who might like to help and figure out how.

For example, can someone make phone calls about local resources, such as support groups for both your dad and his wife? Perhaps one of you can research a caregiver agency, an Aging Life Care Professional™, a financial planner, or a facility admissions coordinator, etc. The information could be typed up and sent to your dad to save him time and energy.

Later, as your dad’s wife’s needs change, who might be able and willing to spend some time at their location to help your dad navigate medical appointments, driving, hands on care, daily chores etc.?

Chances are, each adult child wants what is best for both the parent and his/her spouse.

Letting all adult children know that you want to facilitate things simply to make the process easier for both parents may help to prevent feelings that one person is trying to take over or take sides. Differences of opinion on how that should be implemented are likely to arise, but by utilizing open lines of communication, a team approach and respect, you can all make a successful impact on helping your parents navigate the caregiving journey. Your dad’s wife’s children may even feel relieved that you are willing to help.

The Family Caregiver Alliance has even more tips about sibling and blended family caregiver roles.

Visit their website at www.caregiver.org

Kate Pomplun is the owner of Aging Care Solutions in Southern Pines and a contract care manager for Aging Outreach Services.

She may be reached at kate@agingcaresolutionsnc.com.

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health

D E N T A L H E A LT H

Celebrate a Healthy Mouth

by Laura Wellener, DDS

February is National Dental Health Month. I am sure most of you already have this marked in your calendar, but I thought I’d mention it anyway. Seriously, February is a great time to focus on how important your mouth is. We rely on our mouths to eat, smile and talk. When our mouth is healthy and feels good, we are able to eat food that is nutritious and good for our body. Being able to smile and speak confidently is helpful to our social wellbeing.

An unhealthy mouth can be a source of pain and infection. Diseases of the mouth have been linked to heart disease, stroke, diabetes and several other serious ailments. There’s no doubt that a healthy, happy person needs a healthy mouth.

It used to be assumed that as we grew older, we would inevitably lose all of our teeth.

This is certainly no longer the case. Older adults are keeping their natural teeth longer than ever before. Advances in modern dentistry and increased knowledge about preventive dental care have helped this to happen. Having solid, healthy teeth certainly allows us to eat the foods that are best for our bodies—vegetables, fruits and proteins. Obviously, this has tremendous benefits to our entire body.

For those unsatisfied with the state of their mouth, it’s never too late to get back on track. And don’t worry if it has been a very long time since you’ve seen the dentist. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. I guarantee that you are not the worst mouth they have ever seen. I promise. And considering how important a healthy mouth is to quality of life, there is no time like the present. Your dentist will see you for a complete examination that will include assessing

you for cavities, infections, and gum disease as well as an oral cancer screening. Your dentist will discuss the findings with you, and together you can work on a plan to enhance or maintain your mouth.

Good oral care at home will help to keep your mouth in good shape. Here are some tips for you: • Brush at least twice a day, for at least 2 minutes using a fluoride toothpaste and soft bristled toothbrush • Floss between your teeth and gently under the gums every day • Consider using a mouth rinse with fluoride, especially if you are at high risk for cavities and/or your mouth is dry • Minimize the amount of sugary and starchy food you eat, including sweet and acidic drinks.

• Don’t smoke. Smokers have increased risk of oral and throat cancers.

• Dentures and partial dentures should be taken out, cleaned daily with denture cleaner and left out of the mouth for at least 4 hours/day, preferably over night.

You will not regret having a healthy mouth. With professional dental care and good habits at home, it is certainly achievable. And the benefits are great. Feeling better, looking better, living better—now that’s something to smile about.

Dr. Wellener, DDS, owner of Wellener Dental in Pinehurst, can be reached at 910-295-1010 or frontoffice@wellenerdental.com.

Serving residents of Scotland, Robeson, Richmond and Hoke counties in North Carolina, as well as Marlboro, Dillon and Chesterfield counties in South Carolina.

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life

DRIVIN' FOR LUNCH

A Step Back in Time

by Ray Linville

“We come for the fried chicken,” Ann and Robert (Toby) Beck, both 79, of Ellerbe said almost simultaneously about their drive of about 25 minutes to Hamlet for a buffet lunch at Seaboard Station Restaurant.

However, in addition to chicken, they each also had stew beef with rice and gravy on their plates.

“Why did you come today?” I asked.

“Oh, stew beef is available only on Wednesdays,” he said with the wisdom of someone who has been there more than once and knows the daily choices.

Actually the Becks have been coming regularly for years – “We come about once a week,” he said. It all started when she was working at the telephone company with Judy Page who has owned and operated Seaboard with her husband Willard for almost three decades.

“They have the best fried chicken in Richmond County.

Their secret is that they get fresh chickens locally every morning at 4 o’clock,” Toby says.

Just about every plate I saw had fried chicken on it. In fact, one customer had a salad bowl full of fried chicken so that his plate had plenty of space for vegetables.

I first learned about Seaboard when I began teaching at Sandhills Community College and was giving talks on Southern foodways. One day, Dr. John Dempsey, the president, told me that if I was going to talk about Southern victuals, I had to eat at Seaboard. So off I went about 10 years ago, and I return as much for the scene as I do for the buffet. Of course, it helps to appreciate Southern food.

Lori Williams, associate dean of the college’s continuing education operations and a Hamlet native, says, “Fried chicken is definitely the signature dish, and the ambiance of the restaurant is as enjoyable as the food.”

Even in the ambiance of the 115-year-old restored Victorian house that Seaboard occupies, the diners are all focused on food and small talk. As the servers circulate through the dining area, they not only refill glasses but also create a sense of community as they greet customers by name, share hugs and stop occasionally to participate 14

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in the table conversations.

As I looked around, I tried to take in the character of the house: a circular wooden staircase to a second floor, original fireplaces in each room, beveled glass windows, hardwood floors, glass transoms and coffered ceilings.

Pictures of trains and railroad scenes decorate the dining rooms as a testament to the city’s history when more than 30 trains stopped daily in Hamlet, still today at the junction of three major rail lines.

My wife and I usually avoid buffets, but we make an exception for Seaboard because its atmosphere and vintage charm are mesmerizing. Plus the chicken and stew beef are added incentives to make the drive on Wednesdays.

The buffet has two meats; one always is fried chicken, obviously the local favorite. About four vegetables are also available on the hot bar with cornbread and dinner rolls. A salad bar and a dessert area are almost as popular as the chicken.

After Amy, our server, seated us and got the beverage order, it was all self-service. As I entered the buffet line, I satisfied my daily requirement of Southern vegetables by taking ample servings of turnip greens and lima beans. I skipped the corn and fried okra to have room for dessert.

Later I found out that Amy has worked at Seaboard for 10 years. She said that fried chicken is “by far” the most popular item on the buffet; stew beef “is definitely next” and the favorite dessert is strawberry shortcake (not available when I was there). Oh well, I had to settle for banana pudding and orange pound cake. (Nobody cares if you go back for seconds.)

When I asked Amy for a few more details about the restaurant, she referred me to her mother Nancy, who “has been at the cash register since the get-go.” In this case, the “get-go” means about 29 years. Nancy told me that the changes during that time have been few. The restaurant has always had a buffet lunch and initially also offered sandwiches but soon switched to only buffet to meet the customer demand.

Although I enjoyed the chicken, the stew beef reminded me of simple lunches when I was growing up and leftover pieces of chuck roast that had simmered forever and were combined with rice and gravy on Sundays, also as a complement to fried chicken.

The vibrancy of Seaboard contrasts sharply with scenes in the downtown area. The parking lot, anchored with a huge magnolia tree, was overflowing; however, fewer than a dozen cars were parked on Main Street in the central business district where many storefronts are vacant, a characteristic of small Southern towns deserted by the global economy. Classical structures built from 1900 to 1940 form a commercial historic district that is struggling but is interesting to drive through and imagine life “back when.”

Seaboard serves its lunch buffet daily except for Saturday from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. On Charlotte Ave., it’s only a few blocks from the historic train station that harkens back to the golden days of the rail town. Call ahead (910-582-1017)

Powering Your Home Despite Old Man Winter

if you want to know the buffet selections.

Got extra time? Visit the historic Queen Anne-style train station, built in 1900 and still served by Amtrak, and check out the model train and a replica of Hamlet as it looked in 1952. Stop first at the visitor center next door that has historic displays of Hamlet, including artifacts of two prominent sons, journalist Tom Wicker and jazz musician John Coltrane. Open daily except Monday until 5 p.m.

Don’t miss the Tornado Building across the street that houses the first steam engine locomotive in North Carolina.

The buildings comprise the Hamlet Depot and Museums Complex at 2 West Main Street.

Ray Linville writes about local connections to Southern food, history and culture. He can be reached at linville910@gmail.com .

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FEBRUARY 2019 |

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advice

SCAM ALERT

Are You Susceptible to Fraud?

by Patty H. LePage

Everyone is susceptible to being scammed. However, according to the FBI, being over the age of 50 makes you more likely to be the victim of fraud. Most individuals over the age of 50 have a nest egg, own a home, and have more financial stability than younger counter parts. This is a wonderful thing for your bank accounts, but it makes you a prime target for greedy scammers looking to steal from unsuspecting individuals.

Women over the age of 60, living alone, are even more likely to be the target of scammers. Telephone scams, focused on trying to sell bogus products and services, are often targeted towards this demographic. These telemarketing scams often include inexpensive vacations, health and beauty products and free prizes. Scammers focus their efforts on services that might be of interest to older adults, such as products to improve cognitive function, prevent cancer or improve physical well-being.

Older adults are also less likely to report being the victim of fraud, which increases the risk. Some individuals never even realize they have been victimized; others are ashamed about being scammed so they fail to report the fraud, and others don’t know where to report the crime. Even when choosing to report fraud, older adults can often be portrayed as unreliable witnesses. Scammers take advantage of time and hope individuals will not have enough recall to be able to testify against them in court.

There are several ways to protect yourself from being the victim of a scam.

1. First and foremost, don’t worry about being rude.

It is ok to hang up the phone when someone will not take no for an answer or to refuse to give out any personal information or details.

2. Don’t ever buy any product or service over the phone, especially 16

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from an unknown company. Any legitimate company will understand that you need more information before making a purchase.

3. Don’t give in to high-pressure sales tactics meant to push you into buying something in-the-moment for fear of losing out on a deal; this is a common practice of scammers.

4. Be wary of telemarketers claiming to be charities looking for donations. Scammers prey on the good intentions and desire to help others many of us have. If you receive a call from a non-profit organization, ask for information to be sent to you in writing. Follow up with an organization like Charity Watch to ensure the organization is a legitimate charity.

5. Never give out personal information over the phone, especially to someone who has called you (as opposed to someone you have called, such as a bank or insurance company). Never give out your credit card number, social security number, birth date or bank account numbers to unknown individuals. If the person says he is calling from your bank, doctors office, or other organization with whom have dealings, hang up and call them back at the number you have for them before providing any personal information.

Prevention is the best tool against fraud. By following the advice above, being aware of your rights and being cautious with your information, you can protect yourself from scammers and avoid being a victim of fraud. Don’t let these criminals get away with stealing your hard-earned money. Also, if you have been the victim of a scam, please reach out to the North Carolina Attorney General’s Office to file a complaint. They can be reached by phone at 1-877-5-NO-SCAM or by mail at: Consumer Protection Division - Attorney General’s Office Mail Service Center 9001 Raleigh, NC 27699-9001 Patty holds a Bachelor of Science from UMUC, a Master of Social Work from the University of Southern California and is pursuing her Doctorate in Business Administration at UMUC. She also holds an executive certificate in the Principles of Leading Transformational Nonprofits from the University of Notre Dame.

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health

E Y E H E A LT H

Understanding Age-Related Macular Degeneration

by Zeina Haddad, M.D.

Age-related macular degeneration (AMD) is a common eye condition and a leading cause of vision loss in adults aged 50 and over. Age-related macular degeneration happens when a part of the retina called the macula is damaged. Although there may be no symptoms in the early stages, a damaged macula causes you to lose your central vision and the ability to see fine details, whether you are looking at something close or far. But your peripheral (side) vision will still be normal. For instance, imagine you are looking at a clock with hands. With AMD, you might see the clock’s numbers but not the hands.

There are two forms of macular degeneration: dry and wet.

Dry AMD is quite common. About 80% (8 out of 10) of people who have AMD have the dry form. Dry AMD is when parts of the macula get thinner with age and tiny clumps of protein called drusen grow. You slowly lose central vision. At this time, there is no way to treat dry AMD. Wet AMD is when new, abnormal blood vessels grow under the retina. These vessels may leak blood or other fluids,

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causing scarring of the macula. You lose vision faster with wet AMD than with dry AMD. Intraocular injections are used to treat wet AMD. Many people don’t realize they have AMD until their vision is very blurry. This is why it is important to have regular visits to an eye care professional. He or she can look for early signs of AMD before you have any vision problems.

During an eye exam, you will be asked to look at an Amsler grid. This grid helps you notice any blurry or blank spots in your field of vision. Your eye doctor will also look inside your dilated eye through a special lens that allows them to see if there are changes in the retina and macula.

Your doctor may do fluorescein angiography to see what is happening with your retina. This test shows if abnormal new blood vessels are growing under the retina.

Optical coherence tomography (OCT) is another way to look closely at the retina. A machine scans the retina and provides very detailed images of the retina and macula.

AMD Treatment Currently, there is no way to treat dry AMD. However people with lots of drusen or serious vision loss might benefit from taking a specific high-dose formula of antioxidant vitamins and zinc, called AREDS. A large study found taking AREDS may slow dry AMD. To help treat wet AMD, there are medications called anti-VEGF drugs. Anti-VEGF treatment helps reduce the number of abnormal blood vessels in your retina. It also slows any leaking from blood vessels. This medicine is delivered to your eye through a very slender needle.

Laser surgery may also be used to treat some types of wet AMD. Your eye surgeon shines a laser light beam on the abnormal blood vessels, reducing the number of vessels and slowing their leaking.

FALL IN LOVE WITH

190 Fox Hollow Road Pinehurst, NC 28374

910-695-0011

There are some choices that you can make to safeguard your eyesight from AMD. Although you cannot always prevent the development of AMD, you can make some daily changes in your habits and choices.

•

If you smoke, stop

•

Exercise regularly

•

Maintain normal blood pressure and cholesterol levels

•

Maintain a healthy weight

•

Eat a diet high in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins

•

Protect eyes from overexposure to sunlight with sunglasses and hats

The most important decision to you can make is to visit your eye doctor regularly for comprehensive eye exams.

An eye exam is an essential component of eye disease prevention and can be a helpful assessment tool for whole-body wellness.

Dr. Haddad is an ophthalmologist specializing in diseases of the retina and vitreous. For more information on Age-Related Macular Degeneration and other services offered by Carolina Eye, call (800) 733-5357 or visit www. carolinaeye.com

Come visit us at Fox Hollow Senior Living and fall in love with our exceptional senior living lifestyle.

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E N JOY OU R : • Choice of Apartments in our charming community • Five Star Dining Experience • Hundreds of Activity Programs, from wellness to education • Award-winning Bridge to Rediscovery™ Memory Care Call 910-695-0011 to schedule your personal tour. www.FoxHollowSeniorLiving.com ASSISTED LIVING • MEMORY CARE RESPITE/SHORT-TERM STAYS Pet ©2019 Five Star Senior Living

FEBRUARY 2019 |

Friendly

OutreachNC.com 19

Banana Bread

simple cooking 20

OutreachNC.com | FEBRUARY 2019

This month we’re featuring Aroma Cafe and Bakery as our go-to place for a sweet treat. The apple fritters are famous among in-the-know locals, and the cinnamon bread is like eating the inner-swirl of a cinnamon roll in each bite, so when owner Kim Freigo offered us her grandmother’s banana bread recipe, we didn’t hesitate to cry, “Yes, please!�

This is the kind of recipe a grandmother would pass down, too. There aren’t any fancy ingredients. It’s simple and true, the way banana bread should be.

Michelle Stinnett

Bake it for someone you love this month, including yourself.

SERVICES:

Banana Bread Yield: 1 Loaf

Wills & Trusts

Ingredients:

Power of Attorney

3/4 cup butter 1 ½ cup sugar 2 eggs 1 tsp vanilla 1 ½ cups bananas 2 cups all-purpose flour 1 tsp baking soda 1 tsp salt ½ cup buttermilk

Directions: Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Cream butter and sugar. Add eggs one at a time.

Add vanilla.

Combine flour, baking soda and salt.

• Michelle is a proud military spouse who received her undergraduate degree from Southern Oregon University and graduated from Notre Dame Law School in 2013.

Since 2014, Michelle has served clients in Moore County. She believes that fully understanding her client’s current situation and goals are important to enable her to work towards the best possible outcome for her clients.

Directives Preparations Real Estate Law Real Estate Closings

• Michelle has two young daughters with whom she spends most of her free time. They enjoy going on nature walks together, playing at the local parks, and exploring all that Moore County has to offer.

Add flour mixture to butter and sugar, alternating with bananas and buttermilk.

Pour into loaf pan (lightly buttered and floured).

Bake for 90 minutes, until the top is golden and bread is set.

Variations: add chocolate chips and/or walnuts

FEBRUARY 2019 |

OutreachNC.com 21

advice

M E N TA L W E L L N E S S

The Lasting Union: Marriages That Thrive...

Instead of Survive

by Denise O’Donoghue, Biblical Counselor

We’ve probably all heard the joke about the wife who asked her husband, “How come you never say you love me anymore?” and the husband replies, “I told you once. If it changes, I’ll let you know.”

It’s a funny little joke, but probably not the greatest marriage advice. What I’ve found over my years of counseling is that one member of the couple wants me to fix the other one.

Very rarely does the wife or husband acknowledge changes he or she can make, only what the other person needs to do.

However, what has proven to be true time and again is that when even one accepts that there are things he or she can contribute to making the marriage better, it really does begin to get better. So, besides telling your spouse that you love him/her, what else can help a marriage thrive as the years increase? Let me offer a few suggestions.

Find ways to enjoy being together. Being together is

more than sitting in the same room watching the evening news. Nothing wrong with that, but it does not build your relationship. What activities can you enjoy together? Perhaps your spouse enjoys golf but you don’t. What about going with and driving the golf cart.? You can both benefit from time outdoors and you can enjoy great conversation between holes. Another idea is to take turns reading a book out loud to one another and discuss it as you go along. Be intentional; find ways to enjoy activities together.

Don’t take each other for granted. There is an old

saying, “familiarity breeds contempt.” This plays out in our marriages when we lose sight of or forget our spouse’s good traits, those that drew us together in the first place. Instead, we take those traits for granted and turn our attention to the negative ones, the ones that get on our nerves. The end result is discontent, nagging, and/or withdrawal. It can also become a habit to think this way, but like any other habit, it can be broken. Let me recommend that each time you find yourself dwelling on a trait of your spouse that you dislike, challenge yourself to think of five things that you admire about him/her (and bonus points if you actually share them).

Be the best you that you can be. We often enter into marriage with the assumption that we can “fix” our spouses.

If you’ve been married even half as long as me, you have 22

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likely come to realize this is not so – you cannot change anyone but yourself. Let me suggest that you identify 2-3 things about yourself that you would like to improve and go to work on them. What you will most likely find is that as you work on yourself, it has a positive influence on your spouse and your relationship.

Laugh together. We’ve all heard laughter is the best medicine, but it also creates warm feelings toward each other when you laugh together. My husband is naturally funny and his antics can give us the giggles. If that doesn’t describe the two of you, then watch a funny movie together or read jokes to each other. Also, don’t take yourself too seriously.

I’ve found that aging has given me plenty of things to laugh at myself about.

Discover or re-discover each other’s love language.

Author of the best-selling book, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman, tells us that there is one primary way we interact with our spouse that speaks love greater than any of the others. Just to get you thinking about it, here are the five: Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, Quality Time, and Physical touch1. My husband and I read this book together and talked about it. You can learn more and even take quizzes at www.5lovelanguages.com.

Having a good marriage should be a top priority, not something we only give attention when it shows signs of suffering or being broken. It’s never too late and you can’t have been married too long that you cannot make a marriage even better and the benefits can be huge. Not only will you and your spouse grow closer together and be happier, but those who know you will notice the change and perhaps ask your secret. Who knows, you may find yourself in the place to give a little marriage advice yourself.

Chapman, G. (2014). The Five Love Languages. Plano, TX, US: Northfield Publishing.

Denise O’Donoghue is a biblical counselor in Raleigh and a former professor for Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary.

She is very blessed to have four living generations to share life with. You can reach Denise at mzdod@bellsouth.net

BY THE NUMBERS

Love & Marriage THEN& NOW CE 1960 IN

S

Rate of marriage for individuals 18 and up In 1960, 72% of those over 18 were married.

In 2018, 50% of those over 18 are married.

30%

WOMEN WHO NEVER MARRIED

69% 19

9 6 -2 0 1 7

3.5% 4.8%

54% 19

9 6 -2 0 1 7

5.3% 5.2%

With women aged 50-54, the percentage who have never married has increased by ≈ 69%. By the time she is 55+ however, she is 12.5% more likely to be married.

1996

AGE

50-54 55 +

2017

11.2% 9.8%

MEN WHO NEVER MARRIED With men aged 50-59, the percentage who never married increased by ≈ 54%. However, men over 60 were 45% more likely to be married.

1996

AGE

50-59 60+

2017

11.4% (50-54) 6.3% (55+)

Information derived from Census Bureau statistics 1996-2017.

AMONG ADULTS WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN MARRIED

14% 27%

“WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET MARRIED SOMEDAY?”

58%

58% YES 27% NOT SURE 14% NO According to a Pew Research Center survey.

Couples Are Staying Married Longer

75%

10 YEARS

55%

15 YEARS

35%

25 YEARS

6%

50+ YEARS

FEBRUARY 2019 |

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health

B R A I N H E A LT H

Psychological triggers: Why they happen and what to do about them

by Karen D. Sullivan, PhD, ABPP

Any stimulus such as a smell, sound, or image that consciously or unconsciously reminds you of a traumatic event from your past can “trigger” feelings of severe anxiety and protective behaviors like anger and emotional numbness.

The stimulus itself doesn’t need to be inherently menacing or disturbing and may only indirectly remind you of an earlier traumatic event.

Triggers can be subtle and difficult to anticipate. You may not even realize you’ve been triggered. For some of us, the way the light hits the wall during certain times of year, a melody, or even a particular sensation on the skin can kick off the body's stress response. Smells tend to be the most intense triggers as the molecules go directly to the limbic system (i.e. the emotional brain), and, unlike all of the other senses, are not first processed by the cortex where they can be muted by rational thought.

According to the American Psychological Association, triggers are typically more distressing when they come as a surprise. This is commonly seen in car accidents with those getting hit from behind, with no warning.

These people will usually experience more psychological distress. If we can anticipate a stressor, our brains can prepare and we can tell ourselves a rational story about what is happening and why.

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When we experience a trigger, our hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis (HPA axis) kicks off a complex process of self-protection that readies us for three possible actions: fight, flight or freeze. Our adrenaline spikes and stress hormones like cortisol course throughout our bodies and brain. Once these stress hormones are

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released, anxiety soars and we often lose touch with our healthy coping skills and succumb to reactions like lashing out or running away.

What to do when triggered?

1) Learn your stress signature. The first step is to recognize that you are being triggered as soon as the signs start in your body. Each one of us has a unique “stress signature” in which one of three things jolts us into the fight, flight or freeze response: increased heart rate, sweating or muscle tension. Pay close attention the next time you feel triggered and see which of these is most prominent for you. Biofeedback can be very helpful if you can’t figure it out on your own.

2) Calm the body. Once you understand your personal stress response, you can nip the cascade of anxiety in the bud by doing the opposite action. Deep breathing exercises can calm a racing heart, holding onto ice can literally chill you out, and progressive muscle relaxation will not allow bodily tension to build up. Calming the body is an essential grounding step. Anxiety causes a frenzied and disorganized mindset, making it very difficult to use healthy coping skills. We interpret reality according to our mood, so when we are anxious, our perception of threat is higher and we cannot objectively problemsolve. We are literally not thinking straight.

3) Label your emotions without judgment. Once your body and thoughts are calm, get clear on what exactly triggered you and what emotions you felt before, during and after the event. For most of us, it is usually a reaction related to the themes of safety and security and tied to another time in our lives when we felt similarly threatened and powerless.

4) Do not give in to avoidance. Trying to not think about our traumatic life events is very common but actually sets the stage for being triggered. A big part of us would love to put our head in the sand and pretend like that terrible thing never happened.

Remember, what you resist, persists. The more we push something down, the more force it has when it inevitably pops back up. Long-term avoidance increases the likelihood we will develop a disabling level of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a treatable condition in which people experience overwhelming emotional or physical symptoms when triggered and get stuck in a cycle of hypervigilance where they are always being on the lookout for what can go wrong. After you label the emotions you had in response to the trigger, process and feel the feelings with a trusted person in a safe and supportive environment; a mental health professional specializing in trauma is ideal.

5) Correct your thinking about the trauma. The long-term psychological impact of trauma lies in how it shapes our beliefs about other people, the world and our self. Our brain has a strong need to understand threat and often provides us with emotional “shortcut” explanations that allow us to push the pain way down and out of awareness. Common explanations include, “No one can be trusted” or “I make bad decisions.” A consequence of these trauma-related beliefs is that we become untrusting of others or ourselves. We can start to suspect that everyone has an agenda with thoughts like, “If the person I used to trust could hurt me so badly, why not this person?”

We often blame ourselves when bad things happen, ruminating about all the ways we “could or should have” done things differently to change an outcome we really had no or little control over. When we hold on to these beliefs without processing the emotions underneath, our nervous system can get stuck on high alert and lead to an inability to relax, social isolation, fitful sleep and strained relationships.

Learning to calm yourself and exploring your trauma-related beliefs, processing them with a trusted person, and balancing these thoughts against other possible explanations will help and the next time you experience a trigger the anxiety you feel will not be as overwhelming.

Dr. Karen Sullivan, a board-certified clinical neuropsychologist, owner of Pinehurst Neuropsychology Brain & Memory Clinic and creator of the I CARE FOR YOUR BRAIN program, can be reached at 910-420-8041 or by visiting www.pinehurstneuropsychology.com or www.icfyb.com.

Mozart Symphony No. 40 TUES, FEB 12 | 8PM LEE AUDITORIUM, SOUTHERN PINES

Wesley Schulz, conductor Richard Lin, violin Mozart’s renowned Symphony No. 40 astonishes with bursts of jubilation— plus, hear the Sibelius Violin Concerto performed by the Gold Medal winner of the 2018 International Violin Competition of Indianapolis.

Tickets start at just $18!*

*Price does not include tax.

ncsymphony.org | 877.627.6724 FEBRUARY 2019 |

OutreachNC.com 25

health

N AV I G A T I N G H E A LT H C A R E

Navigating Health With a Wellness Team

by Cara Herring, LCSW

Who can say they have experienced life at this exact stage before? No one, right? Despite your years of experience in this game of life, this exact stage of life is brand new to you, as each new stage is for all of us. You may have questions, such as: · “What can I expect as I age?” · “I can tell my balance isn’t as good as it was when I was younger. What can I do about it?” · “I find that I’m forgetting the names of the people at the club...am I getting Dementia?” · “My doctor says I need to lose weight, so how can I do that at this age?” · “Is something wrong with me because I feel sad that I can’t get out and do things like I used to?” · “Is there any help available to assist taking care of my spouse?”

An Annual Wellness Visit is the most comprehensive starting point to begin developing answers to your individual questions. Performed by a health coach, this 45-60 minute appointment will cover: vitals, health screenings, emotional health, medication adherence, substance usage, cognitive screening, home safety, falls prevention, advanced directives, nutrition, exercise and more. Despite your level of health, you will walk out of the appointment having an individual, written worksheet to include goals to continue or improve your health, as well as vitals, health screenings and relevant resources.

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Health Coaches are relatively new members of medical teams and work in conjunction with your doctor and nurses. With the guidance of the health coach, you will be encouraged to problem solve and brainstorm healthy lifestyle choices. This is different for some people because they are used to being told what to eat and how much to exercise. While education will be provided, working with a health coach is very much an open-ended conversation.

Who has ever thought “Gosh, I really need to get out and walk more?” but then found a million other things that must be done before you go out for a walk? You realize days have gone by and that walk still hasn’t happened.

Then the guilt rolls in. At your Annual Wellness Visit, you will explore how ready you are to make realistic goals and how to prioritize to make them obtainable with your schedule. Examples of goals may be walking for 10 minutes three times a week, increasing water intake by two glasses per day or limiting dessert to one time per day. Health coaches understand that lives are busy, and we don’t want to deprive ourselves of all the treats in life. This isn’t an all-or-nothing set up; it’s committing to realistic, obtainable choices. Just like with any success in life, you have to start somewhere, so start with an Annual Wellness Visit and explore what your wellness team has to offer for your health.

Cara Herring, LCSW Health Coach Pinehurst Medical Clinic, Inc. 910-235-3347 cherring@pinehurstmedical.com

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health

THE TRIUMPHANT ELDER

The Beating Heart: Common Herbs and Healthy Hearts

by Tim Keim, EYT500, Yoga Therapist

For thousands of years our ancestors have passed down their deep knowledge of plant medicines. In the early 20th century this extensive knowledge fell out of fashion as modern medicine began to replace it. The replacements, in many cases, were synthesized versions of raw plant medicines.

Currently, researchers are returning to these noble plants because patient populations often don’t respond to pharmaceutical medications or cannot tolerate their significant side effects. Pharmaceutical prices and drug availability have also been factors prompting researchers to shine the light of scientific inquiry on time-tested plant remedies. One modern malady getting renewed herbal treatment is cardiovascular disease (CVD), which by some estimates will kill over 20 billion people by 2030.

In a compilation of 227 studies, common herbs like garlic, celery, hibiscus, hawthorn, and many others showed positive benefits for CVD in human and animals alike. This research established these plants to be brimming with bioactive natural compounds that fight heart disease and its precursor, inflammatory high blood pressure by reducing inflammation, tissue damaging free radicals, enhancing artery dilation for easier blood flow and providing strong antioxidant protection.

Garlic extract demonstrated nearly 80% effectiveness in reducing both systolic (the top number in blood pressure) and diastolic blood pressure (bottom number). The action was in garlic’s capacity to relax tension in the arteries and reduce arterial resistance to blood flow.

The constituent in celery that produces its aromatic odor and flavor is given credit for the ability to relax aortic (the largest artery in the body is the aorta) contractions in mice chemically induced with high blood pressure.

In the tropics, hibiscus is a universal refreshment used 28

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in hypertension, fever and other diseases and has demonstrated its ability to reduce blood pressure in animals and humans. Hibiscus increases urine production while reducing uric acid concentrations and lowering sodium in hypertensive subjects after four weeks of administration. This diuretic effect is related to its ability to relax blood vessels and increase urine filtration by the kidneys thereby lowering blood pressure.

Many species of Hawthorn have been used for CVD since at least the 17th century. Quercetin, a component of Hawthorn, “expresses numerous bioactive functions including anti-oxidant, antiinflammatory, and vasorelaxant effects.” Hawthorn also helps to reduce weight, reduces blood vessel thickening, combats the increase of cell size (hyperplasia), a possible precursor to cancer and increases kidney function.

Ginger, known as the universal medicine, shows benefit by inhibiting the degradation of fats and free radical activity in rats. Also, this versatile herb reduces total cholesterol, LDL (the bad cholesterol) and triglyceride levels.

Researchers are seeing that these and other herbs actually change the expression of genes in the body. This is the idea behind the science of epigenetics, which demonstrates that diet and lifestyle are paramount in upregulating the best expression of our genetic heritage.

Modern science is confirming what our ancestors knew thousands of years ago. Plant medicines can be powerful, safe and effective.

Tim Keim is an IAYT certified yoga therapist, and has been teaching yoga for 15 years.

Keim can be heard Saturday and Sunday mornings from 7 a.m. to 1 p.m. on 91.5-FM, WUNC. He can be reached at timkeim811@ yahoo.com.

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OutreachNC.com 29

OutreachNC’s 2019

Book Club

This month we’re reading Our Souls at Night, per Jeeves’ rave review. Here is what we think about Kent Haruf ’s last novel, a beautiful and sometimes painful reminder of the power of the slow unfolding of language, emotion and love.

10 Thoughts on Our Souls at Night 1. Yes – there is a movie. Yes – it stars Robert Redford. No – you should not skip the book, which is worth it for no other reason than Haruf ’s writing.

2. The main plot of the book is that two widows find comfort and connection with each other after several years alone. It seems simple, right?

But if Haruf shows us anything (in any of his novels) it’s that simple is often an illusion and is rarely synonymous with easy.

3. Even if you aren’t a widow, haven’t been married, don’t have children or aren’t yet retired, Louis Waters and Addie Moore are still relatable, and their pain and joy resonate with readers of all ages and backgrounds. There is something very human about the stories Kent Haruf tells, which makes them classics in their own time.

4. Our Souls at Night is a reminder that sometimes we can only process our own past by sharing it with someone else.

5. Don’t be fooled by this novel’s slow start. There is heart in the story that comes out the way it comes out in life, developing slowly at times and then, suddenly, just when the reader is ambling along, it comes straight at you like a freight train. Be prepared.

6. One of my favorite quotes from the novel is on page 42 when Louis says, “I missed some kind of call to be something more than a mediocre high school English teacher in a little dirt-blown town.” How many of us haven’t felt, at one time or another, that we missed a calling for something more?

7. One of my other favorite sentences in the book is on page 147 when Addie says, “Who would have thought at this time in our lives that we’d still have something like this. That it turns out we’re not finished with changes and excitements. And not all dried up in body and spirit.”

8. Jeeves gives this book 4 out of 5 stars, taking a star off for the lack of animal life in an otherwise near-perfect novel.

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9. If you loved Our Souls at Night, you may also enjoy Plainsong (Kent Haruf), Eventide (Kent Haruf), Last Bus to Wisdom (Ivan Doig) , News of the World (Paulette Jiles) and Crossing to Safety (Wallace Earle Stegner) 10. Our Souls at Night makes me want to sit with the people I love and hold them tighter and longer, with a little more intention than ever before.

That’s it for us this month. Next month, we’re looking forward to Barbara Ehrenreich’s Natural Causes: An Epidemic of Wellness, the Certainty of Dying, and Killing Ourselves to Live Longer.

I know. That sounds nothing but upbeat and positive. Seriously, though, we’re digging in.

We love sharing books with everyone and anyone who’s got a review, comment, thought, critique or favorite quote to send along. Feel free to write to us at editor@outreachnc.com and let us know your thoughts on Haruf ’s classic.

Now go run a hot bath or prop your feet by the fire and get reading.

Jeeves Approved

Assignment OutreachNC: Pet Pics Over here at OutreachNC, we're dedicating our upcoming June issue to pets, and we want to see yours - dogs, cats, birds, horses, bees and any other animal friend with a special place in your homes and hearts.

To be entered into the First Annual ONC Pet Pics competition, email editor@outreachnc.com pictures that show us what makes your pet one-of-a-kind. Please include your pet's name too.

(While judging will be based on the subject matter, the quality of the image file will be considered as well.)

You could win a fabulous prize! The GRAND PRIZE winner will receive a $150 PetSmart gift card.

2nd place will receive a $75 PetSmart gift card. 3rd place will receive a $50 PetSmart gift card.

The deadline for submissions is March 18th, so don't wait! Send your photos in today.

FEBRUARY 2019 | OutreachNC.com 31

We can't WAIT to open our inbox!

Some of the strongest love in the world lives amongst mothers, fathers and children.

Here, Brady Beck illuminates families in the wild and the nurturing that exists among all living creatures.

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NORTHERN FLICKER NESTLINGSNorthern Flickers are a common woodpecker that can be seen in a variety of habitats, from pine to hardwood forests. They are primary cavity nesters, meaning that they create a new cavity each season to use as a nest. These cavities can often be used by a variety of other critters once the Flickers are done nesting. Both adult male and female help raise the young. These two youngsters think the next meal can’t get here fast enough!

WHITE-TAILED DEER DOE AND FAWN- White-tailed Deer occur over much of the United States.

Does can have up to two fawns per year, but often just one. This youngster appears to be a male showing the telltale “buttons” that will soon become antlers.

FEBRUARY 2019 | OutreachNC.com 33

RED FOX AND KITRed Fox are the largest of the foxes in the United States. They are very adaptable, often denning near human development. They eat a wide variety of fruits and small animals. They often live in small family groups including a mated pair and 1-2 young females from the previous year. These young vixens often act as baby sitters for the young of the current year.

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EASTERN FOX SQUIRREL AND PUPSThe Eastern Fox Squirrel is a large squirrel well suited to Southern pine forests. They will den in old cavities or leaf nests if no suitable cavities are available.

The female raises up to 4 pups per year, and the young squirrels may stay with mom through their first winter. These squirrels are often found to prefer Longleaf Pine forests that provide a variety of foods including acorns, mushrooms, and extremely nutritious longleaf pine seeds.

FEBRUARY 2019 |

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BLACK BEAR SOW AND CUB- Black Bear females can raise up to 6 cubs per year! Cubs stay with mama for up to 1.5 years where she teaches them to feed themselves and avoid danger. Black Bears are excellent tree climbers, and these two are relaxing in a White Oak tree after mom feasted on acorns for lunch.

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BARRED OWL NESTLINGSBarred Owls are relatively common occupants of bottomland forests across much of the country.

They feed on a variety of prey including insects, small mammals and even crayfish. These three nestlings are just beginning to explore their nest site.

The one in the highest perch made it very easy for mom and dad to deliver the next meal without competition from the other owlets!

FEBRUARY 2019 |

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by Barbara Hengstenberg | Photography by Caitlin Penna

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wo years ago, North Carolina troubadour David Childers retired from his Workers Comp and Social Security Disability law practice as politics and government bureaucracy made it near impossible to continue. He took down his attorney shingle and took to the road with his music. Wife Linda Childers is sometimes at his side when he’s on tour, and sometimes not, but it’s all good.

These two have a secure partnership, which has strengthened over their 45 years of marriage. With windshield wipers tapping out a beat against yet another North Carolina torrential rainstorm, I drove to their folk-art-filled Mount Holly home to find out their secret to keeping a marriage going through the inevitable ups and downs of life, thriving in the good times and enduring through the hard ones.

This couple has a compendium of careers.

Linda has worked as a teacher (from preschool through 9th grade), trial court administrator, legal secretary and nursery gardener, all the while focusing on her home and family. Aside from his work as a singer/songwriter/painter, David’s resume includes various jobs such as newspaper classified ad salesman, garbage collector, ditch digger, tobacco picker and, finally, lawyer. The two worked together in David’s law practice for almost 20 years. As an Americana recording artist (Ramseur Records), David has performed solo, as part of the Overmountain Men with Bob Crawford (The Avett Brothers), and with his band, The Serpents. His current album, Run Skeleton Run was produced by Don Dixon (R.E.M., The Smithereens).

FEBRUARY 2019 |

OutreachNC.com 39

OutreachNC: Tell us about when you decided to close up your law practice. Was it a good decision?

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David Childers: Linda came to work with me in 1997 until 2016, when we shut down the office. No regrets whatsoever. It wasn’t a thing we wanted to do, but with politics and circumstances, by 2016 it was very evident that we were going to have to make a move.

Linda Childers: We were either going to just reinvent ourselves as something else or take a chance.

DC: From the time I started practicing law in 1981, I would keep my eye out and I learned to morph into something else. There was a lot of failing, a lot of losing, a lot of fighting hopeless causes. The last 15 years were good. We had a whole lot of success. It was a redemption for hanging in there that long. I’d put my time in, and I’ve got a music thing going. People like my paintings. I don’t know why, but they do. It was like, let’s just take a risk again. Let’s take another chance. Anybody that goes into life and thinks it’s just going to be a smooth ride, it doesn’t work that way. That said, I love where I am now. I love the life I’m living.

ONC: You’re now focused on music and art. How many shows do you perform?

DC: Probably 150-200 shows a year. I try to keep it to North and South Carolina, but I just got back from Ohio and West Virginia. Linda goes on some, but not very often. We went to Kansas City for a thing called Folk Alliance. I knew as soon as I got there, that wasn’t my place. I was too old, too southern, didn’t wear the right shirt and didn’t have a hat. I’ve dealt with this all my life. I just never quite fit in anywhere, even more so there. But we got to have this really great trip to Kansas City together. We went driving out into the prairie in Kansas and just had a blast. We drove to Nashville last year, which was a really good experience, and on the way back we stopped in little towns. We’ll go to antique stores, get something to eat and maybe take a walk.

LC: I used to go more, but there are two reasons I don’t go. First, it’s like an eight-hour day when he goes to play a show. Most of the time is just wasted, sitting in places. We like the drives together but once we get to the place I’m always like, oh, I wish I wasn’t here. Back home, I have a thousand million things I like to do. I don’t sit still.

DC: It drives me crazy. Linda moves constantly. Every now and then, we might sit and watch a movie. I’m hoping we’ll do that tonight, actually, since it’s a nice, cold rainy night and I don’t have a gig.

LC: David was a poet and he would write. He was always doing his art.

So, I occupied myself with other things from the very start. We have these parallel interests that we do, but we do them together in the same place, like we’re together but doing our own thing.

ONC: Where did you meet?

DC: We met in college at UNC-Chapel Hill. We were in the same dorm, on the same floor. We shared the same room a good bit. Back then, you were more secretive about living together. We dated about a month and a half before I asked her to marry me.

LC: It was a real quick attachment.

DC: My mom and I didn’t get along. I wouldn’t usually listen to her.

I brought Linda home the first time on Thanksgiving, and my mom said, “You need to stick with this girl. You’re not going to find another one like her.” We disagreed on so much, but she was right about that.

LC: My family was very proper. My father was an Air Force officer and my mother was like June Cleaver. If someone came to dinner, everybody sat down and ate. When I got to David’s house, ready to sit down and eat dinner with his family for the first time, they had all already eaten. They didn’t know I was coming. His mother had cooked spaghetti, so I sat at the kitchen table, eating the spaghetti by myself.

They were all interesting and amazing to me. It was a whole different world.

ONC: Your son, Robert, told me, “My parents were always nurturing.

They exposed us to ideas of compassion for others and animals early on.

They also took us to all the stuff they were into, like concerts, sports events and art museums. They were more friends than parents most times.”

LC: Robert and David are clones. As Robert grew, they’ve just had the same interests.

DC: Robert is involved in music. He works in a club and he plays drums. He plays with me, but not as much as I’d like. Now he and his wife, Kristy, are raising their daughter, Margaux. We bought Robert a drum set when he was 14 or 15. I had no idea he could play. All of a sudden, beats were coming out and I thought, God, he’s a professional drummer.

ONC: Margaux is your only grandchild?

LC: Yes. She’ll be two. She is amazing, so fun.

DC: That’s one of my favorite things in the world, hanging out with Margaux.

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"Anybody that goes into life and thinks it’s just going to be a smooth ride, it doesn’t work that way. That said, I love where I am now. I love the life I’m living."

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ONC: You also have a daughter.

DC: Meghan works in a corporate finance job in Charlotte. She got a BA in Chapel Hill and then went to Clemson and got a Masters in landscape architecture.

ONC: You’ve built a wonderful family together. How would you describe one another?

LC: David’s a pretty incredible human being, extremely intelligent and talented artistically in many ways. He was an excellent lawyer. He’s very ethical and kind to people. He gives openly of himself to people, sometimes to the detriment of us.

DC: The good wife from the Bible. Linda’s very loyal and conscientious, and very moral about things. She’s pretty outspoken, very intelligent and good-looking.

She knows how to have fun, but she’s responsible, very responsible. She doesn’t let things get out of control, and she’s very organized. That’s been, I think, part of our sticking together. She provides me a framework, like a house, a place where I can let my creativity and ambitions take fruit. That’s a very valuable thing.

We just like each other.

We have from the start.

We like hanging out together.

I played rugby and sports into my forties, but that was just a thing I went and did, and then I came home.

The same with music. I don’t typically like traveling and staying overnight in places. I’m always ready to get back and just be with her. One day around 2007, I remember I stood here and looked around and realized I’d been home four weekends that whole year.

I thought, look at this place. I want to dig in here and cultivate this place and quit driving to New York City, Dallas and Atlanta. I’m a lot happier just being a troubadour of the breweries.

ONC: Dolphus Ramseur (Manager, Ramseur Records) told me that you and he have “always enjoyed talking about college football. In fact, David leads his band

much like that of a football team. When a team wins, it’s the little things that you will not find in the box score which end up making a huge difference. Linda has had a hall of fame career performing these little things. She has been in the trenches pushing the team to victory. Linda exemplifies the ‘BIG TEAM, little me’ philosophy.” You two have a great love story. What is your advice for sticking together for 45 years?

DC: Respect each other. Respect yourself. Just realize that if it’s worth sticking with, talk things out. We’ve had our problems. I read this poem a long time ago, called A Marriage. Marriage is like a house you build.

Sometimes parts of it get knocked down or all of it might get knocked down. You just have to go back and rebuild. We’ve had to do that a lot.

LC: Talk and hug.

DC: That’s right, really. I think our worst time in our marriage was probably the late 1980s up through the 1990s. We dealt with a lot. We would go out and run or take long walks and we would talk stuff over. We were painfully honest with each other, but it saved us. I wasn’t a good husband for a number of years. I wasn’t everything you’d want to be. When I was at my worst, a friend told me, “You don’t know what you’re jeopardizing and giving up. You’re going to be older soon and you’re going to wish that you had what you have or are working on losing.” Those words have come back to me a lot over the years. I took it to heart, and I’m glad I did.

Fellow musician and friend of the family, Bob Crawford (bassist for The Avett Brothers) sums up the Childers’ relationship best: “Every successful marriage is fueled by a love which grows the hearts who share in it. Simply put, Linda is a saint. Linda’s patience and perseverance is the essence of David’s creativity.

Without her love and support, David would not be as centered or focused on art like he is.”

Learn about David Childers’ music and upcoming shows at www.davidchilders.com.

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FEBRUARY 5

Year Of The Pig

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YE AR

BY A MY PHARISS

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YOU’RE A PIG IF YOU WERE BORN IN THE FOLLOWING YEARS: 1935, 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007 OR 2019 Nearly twenty years ago, in June of 1999, I packed an enormous backpack and boarded a plane for China. I’d signed up to serve a two-year stint as a Peace Corps volunteer in Sichuan, teaching English and...you know....changing the world.

As you might imagine, the world changed me far more than any impact I may have had on it, and I brought home with me more than trinkets and souvenirs. One of my most cherished gifts from my time in China is an appreciation and long-standing curiosity of the many cultures of the world, of the traditions, folklore and cultural fabric that makes up society both in the big picture (whole countries) and at the more intimate levels (in family kitchens in villages on the road to Tibet). I’ve had my palm examined and fortune told beside a river in Xichang by a blind man who assured me his lack of sight only made his sense of touch that much stronger. I’ve suffered a week-long bout of the flu in a Buddhist monastery in Kangding. And I’ve learned to love the traditions of my own country all the more, having juxtaposed them against the customs of cultures far removed from my own.

As we enter the Year of the Pig, I go back to some of the details I recall from my time in China. I remember the little red envelopes given to children, stuffed with cash, on this family holiday. I remember heaps and mounds of steaming food placed before me and scooped into my bowl. I close my eyes and see, much like Christmas Day in my own country, deserted roads and empty shops as families gather from far and wide to ring in the new, tell tales of the old and wish each other good fortune and luck as they step into another twelve months.

One of my favorite aspects of Chinese culture is not only the celebration of the New Year (eating and festivities included) but also the tradition of the Chinese zodiac and the philosophy of how our birth year affects our personality and destiny. Though many of us are familiar with the idea of a zodiac animal based on the Chinese calendar, I was surprised to learn that ancient Chinese culture also honors certain elements, each with its own yin and yang. Below is an introduction to the Five Elements, but if you’re interested in exploring further, Harriet Beinfield and Efrem Korngold’s classic Between Heaven and Earth: A Guide to Chinese Medicine is a great place for an in-depth look at how Traditional Chinese Medicine and culture utilizes the concept of the elements to achieve harmony and balance in the body and mind.

The theory of the elements and how they affect an individual’s life and the universe as a whole is an important part of Chinese culture, philosophy and the practicing of Traditional Chinese Medicine.

The five elements cycle throughout the year and with the seasons, and each possesses certain personality traits or characteristics. Here is a brief overview of each element and the personality traits associated with it.

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WOOD FIRE EARTH METAL WATER

WOOD The wood element is often associated with adventure, action and achievement. People with a strong wood element may be easy to anger or feel frustration, so balance is key for the Wood type. Exercises such as yoga and tai chi may be helpful in achieving this balance between action and determination and the inherent stress in pursuing one’s goals.

FIRE People of the fire element are energetic and have a penchant for drama and emotion.

Unconcerned with material wealth and possessions, they are nonetheless appreciative of beauty and seek gratification and reward. The fire element is often associated with joy, and Fire types often appear to happy, fun-loving and can be quite romantic. The fire element can also become jaded and caught up in a circle of seeking more – distractions, pleasure, beauty. They seek the company of other people, dislike being alone, and can be talkative, social and outgoing. On the flip side, when the Fire element is not actively engaged, people can feel depressed and ‘down.’ Regular and gentle exercise is prescribed for people of the fire element, as well as avoiding heat (they’re hot enough as is).

EARTH People with a strong earth element are drawn toward harmony, togetherness and unity.

The earth element is grounding and seeks balance, restoring peace for peace’s sake. People of the earth element dislike power and are considered dependable and reliable. With a tendency toward rumination, however, the Earth element can sometimes become pensive, inert and worried. The earth element’s attention to detail can create an over-emphasis on the finer points of life, which can be both positive and negative.

With a penchant for socialization, people with a strong Earth element may eat excessively and live the otherwise ‘good’ life that leads to obesity and its associated illnesses including diabetes. Balance is the key to keeping the Earth element at its best.

METAL People with a strong metal element are disciplined and act according to reason and principle. These people tend to be pleasant but not overly gregarious or social. They often maintain a cool demeanor, which can sometimes appear sad. When sadness overwhelms the Metal element, fear of pain may take over, causing the Metal personality to seek isolation. The Metal personality is discerning, seeks perfection and lives according to the highest principles.

To help balance Metal’s strong rational sense, people of this element should try to infuse life with passion, socializing and spontaneity.

WATER Enigmatic and hidden, Water types can often be difficult to understand and sometimes isolated. In a constant quest for clarity, truth and enlightenment, people with a strong Water element can be critical or judgmental. They are discerning, like the Metal element, always seeking knowledge and understanding. Introspective, Water types aren’t afraid to examine themselves and their own lives. They can sometimes isolate themselves, however, hiding from the world and appearing hard or intractable.

As self-sufficient people, Water types need sensitivity and tenderness to balance their selfreliance. Their penchant for cynicism must be met with hope and joy, lest people of the Water element fall too far into the dark hole of criticism.

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Speed Dating In Your 70s: What a Documentary About Dating Teaches Us About Love

by Amy Phariss

Filmmaker Steven Loring wasn’t thinking about love. He wasn’t thinking about matters of the heart or about dating.

Loring was sitting at his mother’s kitchen table, thinking about finances. After his father’s passing, he was helping his 71-year-old mother settle into the new normal of life as a widow, and managing his mother’s financial situation was the task at hand. His mother sat beside him, writing thank you notes for condolences she’d received, when, suddenly, she looked up and asked, “Who’s ever going to hug me again for the rest of my life, or hold me, or touch me? Now I’m just another old lady in the world, alone.”

Loring considered her words but had no answer.

Later that spring, Loring’s uncle moved from his home into a continuing care community. At 78, he had never married or, as far as anyone in the family knew, even dated. Soon after moving into his new digs, however, he met a woman (80 years young) and struck up what Loring calls a “wild, full-on, teenage love affair.” He says he was surprised his uncle was so “capable and interested and ready to plunge into this relationship, something he’d never experienced before.” Seeing his uncle so happy, so full of life and love, inspired Loring, who once wrote Movies-of-the-Week for network TV, to go back to school to study social documentary filmmaking – and to start exploring the idea that love and the need for connection don’t have hard-andfast rules, age limits or expiration dates.

In his resulting documentary, The Age of Love, Loring follows a real-life group of seniors in upstate NY who embark on a journey to find companionship through a local speed dating event exclusively for 70- to 90-year-olds.

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The participants include an 81-year-old bodybuilding champ, a skydiving widow, a grandmother and online-dating addict, a 79-yearold who doesn’t let his oxygen tank slow him down, and a 1940s movie fanatic who escaped an abusive marriage that kept her world, and her dreams, too small for too long. Viewers watch, listen and hear the stories of these people, from their past histories to present-day lives to their hopes for the future, as they put their hearts on the line to see if new love is possible later in life.

ONC spoke with Loring about his filmmaking process, his intention in making The Age of Love, what he learned in the making of the film and his biggest take-aways from what turned out to be a true labor of love.

Amy Phariss: Tell us how you got into filmmaking.

Steven Loring: I’ve always been a writer and spent a decade in Hollywood writing TV scripts for Movies-of-the Week. When reality TV first appeared - shows like Fear Factor and Survivor – and killed the TV film genre, I migrated to the Web, and focused on writing and animation. But I’ve always loved research and storytelling, and the urge to get back out into the real world led me to film school. I learned how to shoot, record sound, edit, all the technical skills, and earned a degree in Social Documentary Filmmaking. The Age of Love was my thesis project.

Amy Phariss: Why Social Documentary Filmmaking? Why didn’t you continue working in the big-budget film industry?

Steven Loring: Well, I wasn’t a kid anymore, and rather than tell stories based on advertiser’s needs, I started to ask what stories were important to me, and how films could inspire people and maybe even change their lives. I wanted to address meaningful issues in the world, and, at the time, I was thinking a lot about age and love, so I started looking for a story to tell.

Amy Phariss: Why did you chose speed dating for people 70+?

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Steven Loring: My father’s passing had a big effect on me. I was able to help my mom with external needs – bills, managing the house, that sort of stuff – but who was going to help her with the emotional loss, the loneliness? Because I could see she was struggling. I remember a story she told me of the moment she realized my dad was really gone.

At night, she said, when she got into bed, she’d reach over and hold my dad’s hand, which made her feel warm and safe. After he passed, she reached over one night without thinking and felt nothing but the cold sheet beside her – at that moment, she knew that she was truly alone. I knew there were probably a lot of older people who felt that way, but the media mostly ignored their hearts and emotional needs.

In terms of love and connection, the assumption is that people over 70 are ‘beyond that’, or that new love at that age is ‘cute’ but not real.

So I wrote in my notebook, “Does our need for love change as we grow older? And if so, how?” I wanted to learn more not just for my mother’s sake, but because it’s a conversation our society needs to

have. And now, as I’ve traveled the world with my film, I’ve seen how older singles have the same need for love and connection in India or Brazil or Japan as they do here. It’s universal. But, while we’re living so much longer now, we’re still looking at age from the perspective of caretaking and illness and decline, not in terms of new growth and connection. So it’s a story we don’t hear, but one that needs to be told.

Amy Phariss: And there was your uncle?

Steven Loring: Yeah, it was wonderful to see how happy he was.

I could see a whole new world had opened up for him, after eight decades alone. I knew I wanted to tell a story that captured what I was observing: the struggles of my mom and the joy of my uncle.

I wanted to find a window into this generation and let them speak for themselves. I wanted to bring audiences face-to-face with the emotions of older adults who have to work so hard against all our ageist stereotypes but won’t accept just being alone.

Amy Phariss: How did you go about choosing the topic of speed dating as a vehicle to explore these issues?

Steven Loring: I searched for months for a way into the story, then one day I read on the web about a Senior Speed Dating event. It was the perfect hook – funny and poignant and real. But, once I found an event that the organizers were willing to let me film, I was afraid the seniors would object – maybe they hadn’t told their families and wouldn’t sign releases or they’d feel embarrassed to imagine themselves up on a movie screen. After all, they registered without knowing anything about the film idea. Anyhow, I was given the list of people, took a deep breath and called the first person. I explained to her that I was going to be respectful and was only seeking guides into this world I knew little about. I was kind of babbling on when the woman suddenly stopped me and said, “Steve, look, I’m a 74-year-old woman. I have a loving family, but even my kids don’t ask me about what’s in my heart, about my feelings. I’m invisible in this world, so bring your camera and come on over.”

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Amy Phariss: Wow. Did each of the participants react that way?

Steven Loring: Twenty-nine of the thirty people immediately agreed to sign the release and participate in the film, and the 30th person agreed after we met. I was both stunned and thrilled that they were all eager to expose their emotional lives to the world. And everyone was ready to talk the first time I walked into their homes and set up the camera. They weren’t shy or embarrassed at all.

Amy Phariss: Did anything surprise you while filming?

Steven Loring: (thoughtful pause) I think I was startled by how strong their emotions were when I filmed them opening their results letters – the envelopes that revealed who they matched with at the dating event.

You could see how seriously they took it. The desire to be liked and the fears of ‘if I like him, will he like me back?’ weren’t gone – I saw

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the same responses I’d expect from teenagers. All those feelings came right back to the surface. It was amazing to see how we don’t change fundamentally in seeking new relationships at any point in life.

Amy Phariss: Is there any difference in how men and women react to speed dating?

Steven Loring: It’s interesting, I’ve created and distributed a free Senior Speed Dating Kit to every community that screens the film, so I’ve observed a lot of speed dating events. In all but one or two speed dating events, men get on board. It just takes creativity to find enough men for the first event.

Amy Phariss: That’s interesting. Do the men seem hesitant once they sign up? Do they seem to get as involved as the women?

Steven Loring: Oh, for sure. Once they’re all dressed up and sitting across from so many eligible women, they realize how long it’s been since they’ve had a chance like this to open up and meet someone new. And they have fun. I think it showed in the film. Men took it just as seriously as the women – dressing and coming up with interesting questions to ask – they wanted to find connections as much as the women did.

Amy Phariss: Tell us a little about the reaction you’ve seen outside of the U.S. You mention having gone to other countries?

Steven Loring: Yes. I’ve screened the film in 14 countries so far. Russia, Australia, Canada, Greece, England, Brazil and more. It’s opened my eyes to the reality of the changing demographics of the world.

Every country is aging. When I started out, I didn’t know if the movie would be understood by different socio-economic groups and cultures, but, so far, I’ve screened it everywhere from LGBT communities to upscale retirement communities to inner-city senior centers, in churches and synagogues and at international conferences, and even with subtitles in various languages.

Yet audiences laugh at the same jokes and ask the same questions afterward. The sense I get is that being old and feeling overlooked and invisible has created its own minority that cuts across all cultures. As they live longer lives, people all over the world are experiencing ageism and loneliness. And, so far, little attention has been paid.

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Amy Phariss: Speaking of a particular sub-group, how has your family reacted? What does your mom think of what you’re doing?

Steven Loring: She’s really thrilled. She loves to go with me to Q&As. And she’s excited to see that her sadness and loss have led to something that...well, I mean people are always hugging her, she inspires people not to give up. I think, when she saw how something bad that happened has brought so much love into the world, she was really thrilled. And every time I hear of an older couple getting married who met at one of our speed dating events, I think of my dad looking down and saying, “See what happens when you take lemons and make lemonade?”

Amy Phariss: What have you learned about love through making this film?

Steven Loring: I think love, in a lot of ways, can actually be richer than it was when you were young.

Because, when you’re younger, you try to hide your vulnerabilities and weaknesses.

When you’re older, you realize we’re all vulnerable and scared in some ways in life. But now you can share your fears and worries with somebody and not hide behind your bravado. I think in some ways, falling in love or finding a new connection can feel even deeper when you’re older because you know who you are, and you’re willing to admit it and face a lot of things you weren’t willing to face when you were younger. So don’t discount the emotional lives of older adults. As one character says in the film, “It’s not the On Golden Pond feeling, where everything is nice and romantic, and you sit and look at the pond. Love remains just as challenging and intense as when you were younger.”

Amy Phariss: If you could sum up, after making this film, the one take-away you have from the entire experience, what would it be?

Steven Loring: I guess I’d have to say...go home and ask your parents and grandparents what’s in their hearts, start the conversation, and it will enrich your life, too. Don’t be shy to ask older people what they’re feeling. Don’t wait until people are gone before you wonder about their emotional lives. Don’t let them feel like that speed dater on the phone who told me, “Even my own children never ask me what’s in my heart.”

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NO ONE EVER NEEDS TO BE LONELY Moore County Senior Enrichment Center

by Jonathan Scott The concept of a having a public space dedicated to meeting the needs of older people began in America during the Second World War. By the mid-1960s, the first senior centers opened in North Carolina. Today nearly 200,000 North Carolinians take advantage of programs, activities and services offered by the state’s 171 centers.

common assumption at the time was that seniors in Moore County had their golf and equestrian activities and didn’t need anything else.

This year OutreachNC will highlight some of the remarkable resources senior centers offer to the readers in our region, most of which are presented free.

And I knew that even people with plenty of money can get lonely.”

On a drizzly and dreary Thursday morning the atmosphere inside the Moore County Senior Enrichment Center couldn’t be more of a contrast. The lobby is warm and bright as students of the 10:00 Chair Yoga class are chatting and laughing while students of 11:00 Gentle Yoga are arriving. A cooking class is getting underway upstairs, and the air is beginning to carry an aroma of something appetizing.

Just off the lobby, there are four people on the cardiac workout machines in the Exercise Room, their faces intent on pushing themselves just a little bit more.

What can’t be seen from the lobby are the three couples downstairs using the walking track to get in their daily constitutional.

ing Ag

All this—plus the dozens of other services the Moore County Senior Center provides—became a reality thanks to the vision of a handful of people and the help of an abandoned car dealership. Down the hall from the lobby, in an office with a window overlooking several people holding umbrellas against the Moore C rain, is Terri Prots, o Departmen unty Aging Services to f Director, and the driving force of the Center.

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“We were about the last county in North Carolina without a senior center,” she says. “The

“But I didn’t see it that way. I knew there were plenty of older people in the county of limited means who could benefit from an enrichment center.

Terri and a number of others approached the late Moore County State Representative Richard Morgan about funding. It took several years but, sometime around 2005, Morgan arranged for the state to allocate a million dollars for Moore County and a site was chosen.

That site was a former car dealership located on busy and accessible Highway 15-501 between the Village of Pinehurst, which is home to a large portion of the county’s seniors, and Carthage, the county seat. It was a perfect location but there was a huge drawback.

“It wasn’t designed to be a senior center,” says Prots.

“Fortunately we found an architect, Jake Kanoy, who turned the liabilities of the layout into assets.” The cavernous repair facility on the lowest level was eventually transformed into the walking track and pickle ball court.

An elevator was added and the rest of the building was made into classrooms, a 1,450 square foot exercise room, two kitchens, a dining room, a Grand Hall, and offices for the 27 employee and volunteers who work for the Moore County Department of Aging. “It was because we took over an old car dealership that we are the only 30,000 square foot facility in the state devoted exclusively for seniors.”

However, on the day the Center opened in 2007, there were skeptics. Locals, those who had even heard of the opening, weren’t sure what to expect. Would a senior center thrive and grow or stall out and become a drain on resources? Administrative Assistant Emily Tostado, who often greets arrivals, has been with the Moore County Senior Enrichment Center since it opened. “It’s grown tremendously over the last decade,” she says. “The numbers keep going up. We keep getting new members all the time.”

Tostado looks through a few printed report sheets. “These days,” she says, “on just about any week, we’re getting over 1,200 attendees.” Attendees include folks coming for

activities, to exercise, for counseling for Medicare issues, or maybe just to take a tour.

to speak the language. Just a smile—a gesture—close the distance.”

Membership to the Center is available to all county residents 50 and older and, although membership donations are encouraged, there is no cost. Most of the activities and programs are also free, like Mamie Bennett’s Cooking With Mamie. Bennett’s been a member since the Center opened.

This Thursday she and her class are preparing what she modestly calls a brunch, but is more like a feast including shrimp and grits, ham biscuits, and waffles with a ratatouille sauce.

Heading toward the Exercise Room is Chris Pevia, the Center’s full-time Fitness Coordinator. He’s bringing a new member for an orientation on the equipment. Pevia (pronounced “pee-vee”) is available to develop personal routines for individuals, based on each member’s goals and limitations. He also leads group exercises. Pevia is the kind of person whose love for his work is obvious.

“There’s always something to do here,” she says. “No one ever needs to be lonely.”

Finding a resource for socializing is something people are eager to talk about. Laura Stutts, 62, has been coming to the Center for four years, despite dealing with vision impairment. As she’s on her way to Tai Chi class, she stops to talk. She raves about the staff at the front desk but, like the others, she says, “It’s the socialization and the camaraderie with the other patrons that brings me here.”

Harriet Headon, 76, is in her seventh year as a member. She first came to the Center for what’s called The Diner’s Club, a regular, free mid-morning meal that’s offered five days a week. This Thursday morning participants came in around 8:30, shared a group activity, ate a meal, and by 11:00 were getting ready to go home. Headon explains that, after years benefiting from the program, she now volunteers as part of the staff. “It’s the socialization,” she repeats. “I enjoy everything they offer here. It gets me out of my house.”

Vilma Méndez looks almost too young to be at the Moore Senior Enrichment Center. She’s only 58, but has been bringing her mother, Maria Colombani, 84, for over a year. Her eyes sparkle when she says, “This center has been a blessing in our lives. My mother has dementia and doesn’t speak English, but she’s found a home here with the employees and people who care. She exercises, walks, plays Bingo, and takes Tai Chi. We learned you don’t have The Moore County Senior Enrichment Center is located 2 miles north of the Pinehurst Traffic Circle at 8040 Highway 15-501, Carthage NC. Open Monday, Wednesday and Friday 7:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., Tuesday and Thursday 7:00 a.m. to 10:00 p.m. and Saturday 8:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m.

Their phone number is 910-215-0900.

The Center offers a free monthly e-newsletter. For more information on all the activities and services the Center offers, you can download a Fact Sheet from www.moorecountync.gov/aging.

“One of the highlights of my job is my Silver and Fit class,” he says. “It’s a chair-based group exercise that focuses on balance. Our first class had eight people. Now we usually have almost 50. I tell people, ‘if you show up one time, you’ll keep coming back.’ That’s been personally gratifying.”

Back in the lobby, Jerry Phipps, 75, is talking to Lynne Drinkwater, the Center’s Program Coordinator and Coordinator for the Senior’s Health Insurance Information Program. Phipps has been a member of the Center for five years and has taken all the classes that she’s been able to manage. She, too, talks about the value of being out with other people. But, after a moment’s pause, she wants to talk about something else.

“It’s hard to pick what I like best, but I have to say Lynne and the rest of the warm, friendly, and welcoming staff is at the top of my list.”

Drinkwater personifies that spirit. She’s quick with a smile and witty comment, especially in response to a compliment.

She treats all the “regulars” like family and, as she introduces herself to a couple who’ve arrived for their first visit, welcomes them as if they are already friends.

Terri Prots is eager to tell what she most wants people to know about the Moore County Senior Enrichment Center.

“The staff is well educated and well trained but, more importantly, they care about people. I’ve heard it said, ‘build it and they will come.’ Maybe once, but they’ll keep coming back because they feel welcome.”

One of the most valuable resources that the Moore County SEC offers to county residents over 50 is help connecting with volunteer opportunities.

Volunteering has been proven to be related to better physical and mental health in seniors. Lenore Rittenhouse is the Center’s full-time Volunteer Manager. Her job is to match potential volunteers with the best opportunity among over 45 agencies, institutions and organizations in the area. She can be reached at 910-215-0900.

FEBRUARY 2019 |

OutreachNC.com 55

Photo Essay Featuring:

Aroma Cafe and Bakery Photography by Diana Matthews

In downtown Carthage, just before you hit the traffic circle and directly across from the courthouse (for anyone who’s defended a speeding ticket....) sits the Aroma Cafe and Bakery. Shaded by a faded green awning, it’s the sort of cafe you might pass, all in a hurry to tie up that speeding ticket, and nearly miss.

That would be a mistake.

Aroma Cafe and Bakery serves up some seriously homemade, from-scratch, old-school pastries that leave locals leaning over the bakery counter unable to even find a seat before tearing into an apple fritter. Kim Freigo, Aroma’s owner and one of the chief bakers, offers black coffee without even asking. The patron, apple fritter torn between two hands, gratefully takes a sip before closing her eyes and declaring, “They really are the best.”

Kim and her head baker Falon Mendola, who attended culinary school together at Sandhills Community College, whip up an assortment of baked goods daily including cookies (the ginger are my favorite), donuts, brownies, rice crispy treats, scones and more. I first heard about the lemon muffins from the woman who delivers my mail, who said she waited each week for Tuesday morning to eat one.

Kim says the cafe’s bestsellers include the chocolate chip cookies, chocolate chip cheesecake bars and her mother’s banana bread, a recipe she readily gave us when I asked if she could pass one along. That’s the kind of bakery owner Kim is: open, friendly and so in-tune with her customers she knows what they’ll order before they make their way to the counter. Greeting customers by name, asking about families and jobs, Kim reaches for a tray of cinnamon bread as she chats about band concerts, upcoming vacations and birthday gifts.

Aroma Cafe and Bakery isn’t only about sweets, however.

The cafe serves lunch daily, offers full meal catering and routinely delivers lunch orders throughout the area, all of it made-from-scratch and infused with the love of food that comes when people who love to eat and cook collaborate to build the kind of place that makes you feel like you’ve stepped into your grandmother’s kitchen and found a plate of cookies baked special, just for you.

Aroma Cafe and Bakery is located at 105 Monroe Street in Carthage, NC and is open for breakfast and lunch from 7 a.m. to 4 p.m., Monday through Friday.

56 OutreachNC.com | FEBRUARY 2019

“I just love to bake. I get to do what I love.”

Falon Mendola, Baker What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned from starting your own bakery in middle-age, with kids and as a military spouse with a husband who works long hours?

“If I wanted to do it all over again, I could.

I’m just enough of crazy...”

Kim Freigo, Owner

FEBRUARY 2019 |

OutreachNC.com 57

A Story of Picture-Perfect Love 58

by Patty H. LePage | Photography by Diana Matthews OutreachNC.com | FEBRUARY 2019

Once upon a time...that’s how fairly-tale love stories begin, right?

The hero and heroine of our story are Hank and Diane Parfitt, the owners of City Center Gallery & Books at 112 Hay Street, Fayetteville.

Diane and Hank’s love story began in 1968 when, as a young college student, Diane walked down the hall of her dormitory and knocked on Hank Parfitt’s door to borrow a pencil. A year later, the two were married.

Diane, the daughter of a soldier who served in WWII and later worked in politics in Washington, D.C., became a nurse. Her new husband, a native of Durham, attended medical school and served in the military as the two crisscrossed the country pursing their passion for helping others and their medical careers. As their lives unfolded and they started their own family, Hank and Diane asked themselves where they wanted to end up; which place would they they call home?

Diane’s parents had met and fallen in love in North Carolina, when her father was stationed at Ft. Bragg, and Hank’s hometown roots in Durham made North Carolina an appealing choice. When Hank was offered a partnership with a medical practice in Fayetteville, the choice seemed like destiny.

North Carolina was calling, and the Parfitts answered.

Hank and Diane quickly fell in love with the area and became entrenched in the history and art of old-town Fayetteville. The revitalization of the area had begun, and they were both strong supporters of the effort. The Parfitts resolved to invest their money, in addition to their time, and purchased their historic building on Hay Street in 1999. The building, which was built circa 1890, had been owned by the same family since it had been built until it was purchased by Hank and Diane.

The couple set about renovating the location that would later become the home to the gallery and book store.

Their efforts earned them the Gertrude S. Caraway Award of Merit for historic preservation for their renovation of this beautiful historic building.

In 1999, while renovating the Hay Street building, Hank and Diane opened City Center Gallery on Maxwell Street. Inspired by a talented young artist name Bob Rector, whom they had met in 1995 at a local coffee shop, a new adventure began. The gallery moved to the Hay Street building in 2003 and expanded its artistic selection to include literature.

City Center Gallery & Books is a lovely gem, filled with breathtaking art and a breadth of literature.

The shop carries art from local artists whose work inspires their passions for the local area. They carry a variety of art ranging from paintings, photography, paper cutting art (Scherenschnitte), quilt art and more.

They are still the exclusive agent of Bob Rector’s work, carrying reproductions as well as a few of his original pieces, along with numerous other local talents such as Cindy Burnham, Johnny Horne, and Caroline Merino.

Diane also curates art for local businesses and medical facilities. Over the past 15 years, she has placed collections ranging in size from six to 300 pieces.

Taking into account budget and medium, she provides clients with selections from various local artists with the goal of incorporating the history, culture and diversity of the local community into the design of every building.

The addition of books to the gallery fulfills a lifelong dream for Diane. She and Hank share a mutual passion for literature. The books for sale may be used, but their value is timeless. Diane believes that books are making a comeback. People want to be able to touch the pages, something they can’t get from electronic books.

Diane prides herself on carrying an eclectic array of literature emphasizing the classics and books about the local area. She carries thousands of books including selections from fiction, military history, mysteries, and an assortment of children’s books. If they don’t have the book you are looking for, City Center Gallery &

FEBRUARY 2019 |

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Books’ highly knowledgeable staff will help you select a different book you might find interesting, or they will help to locate the book you want. They specialize in finding out-of-print and hard-to-find books. You may even find yourself drawn to a book you would have never thought of reading before your adventure into the shop.

Diane’s philosophy is that instilling a love of reading and literature is the greatest thing you can do for a child, and it shows. As soon as you enter the shop, it is clear that children are cherished and very welcome in the gallery.

There is a very child-friendly atmosphere including a wonderful little corner, created just for the little ones in mind. Decorated with adorable, oversized stuffed animals and a cute table and benches rescued from a local shop, the corner is set up to entice the young reader to enjoy the books and toys while their parents shop.

Art Walkabout, and serving as a board member for Planned Parenthood’s Action Fund.

Diane also served our fair state as a member of the General Assembly, District 44, from 2010 through 2012.

She used her background in nursing, along with her passion for helping others to make an impact in North Carolina. From advocating on behalf of women and children to supporting legislation to protect military service members, Diane got back to the political roots of her childhood to make a positive impact within her community.

At City Center Gallery and Books, Diane and Hank believe that art and literature set humans apart from other species.

They are now both retired from the medical field and dedicate their lives to championing the spread of joy through the arts.

Diane and Hank’s love story continues to be written in the The shop also hosts two book pages of historic downtown clubs for those interested Fayetteville. The couple in becoming a part of the recently celebrated their adventure: The Directions 49th wedding anniversary, a Book Club and The Other Diane and Hank believe that art milestone Diane attributes to Book Club. Diane and Hank and literature set humans apart their ability to compromise. also share their expertise The one most important and can help you to establish from other species. piece of advice she would give your own book club if you young married couples is to are so inclined. They offer never draw a line in the sand and always try to see the informational sessions to teach you how to start a book other's side and compromise. club and will assist you in choosing a book list and acquiring your selections.

Hank and Diane continue to support the revitalization and patronage of the downtown area through the Gallery and volunteering in the community. Hank is the President of the Lafayette Society, a local non-profit, named after the marquis de Lafayette, a French hero of the American Revolution for which Fayetteville is named.

Diane is also very active in the community and the state, volunteering with the Loft Tours, the Garden Club, the 60

OutreachNC.com | FEBRUARY 2019

If you would like to learn more about their story or join them in their adventures, please visit this piece of history at City Center Gallery & Books on Hay Street. You can also check out their website for more information at www.citycentergallery.com/. Diane can be reached by email at citycentergallery@embarq.com or by phone at 910-678-8899.

The End

FEBRUARY 2019 |

OutreachNC.com 61

GREY MATTER See Grey Matter Puzzle Answers on Page 64

Puzzle 14 (Medium, difficulty rating 0.49)

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OutreachNC.com | FEBRUARY 2019

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1. Detailed drawing 2. Class of comb jellies 3. Musical symbol 4. Hall of Fame ballplayer Rod 5. Pouch 6. Split 7. Having wings 8. Set aside 9. Midway between northeast and east

10. Daughter of Acrisius 11. Periods of time 12. Rapper Ice __ 13. Any of several candies 21. Units of loudness 23. Central nervous system 25. Resinous secretion of insects 26. 007’s creator 27. Separate from 28. Exposes to view 29. Harsh squeaking sound 32. Fishing vessel (Naut.)

33. Western Ukrainian city 34. The sea 36. Unhappy 37. Old miserable woman 38. Corn comes on it 40. Guinea pig-like mammal 41. Self-immolation by fire rituals 43. Fifth note of a major scale 44. Automobile 46. Military title (abbr.)

47. Expunge 49. Chadic language Bura-__ 50. Something you win 51. Grab 52. Town in Galilee 53. Polite interruption sound 54. Italian Seaport 57. La __ Tar Pits 58. “To __, his own” 59. Tom Clancy hero Jack 61. These three follow A 62. One of Napoleon’s generals

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Conversation with an Puzzle 15 (Medium, difficulty rating 0.59) Aging Life Care Professional 8 5 7 4 6 2 9 1 3 Aging Life Care Professional, 9 1 6 Crystal 3 8 5 2Fowler, 4 7 3 4 2 9 7 1 6 5 8 AOS Care Management 5

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RSVP 2 3 1 to 9 6Elizabeth at 910.692.4928 9 or 5 email 8 1 7 at 3 2elizabeth.ragsdale@elmcroft.com 4

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life

OVER MY SHOULDER

"Let Me Count the Ways..."

by Ann Robson This is the month of hearts and flowers, of lace and perfume, of cards and chocolate. And maybe some real love.

Niagara Falls. I’d probably love sunrises but we nonmorning people often miss that part of the day.

How do we define love? Perhaps Elizabeth Barret Browning came closest with her “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” We no longer live in Browning’s time.

Diet Coke.

Love is a very personal emotion and no two of us will love alike. Two of us may love each other but it will still be in two different ways. For those who enjoy a long, enduring relationship there have been ups and downs, yin and yang, tears and giggles, heartache and joy, all shared with love at the core.

As we have done with many things, we have taken a perfectly wonderful word and changed its meaning a hundred times over. My beloved Oxford English dictionary gives seven full meanings for the word ‘love’ and 12 more related to love. My equally favored Roget’s Thesaurus provides more than 20 ways to use the word ‘love’ without actually saying it.

A good laugh. Or even a slightly naughty one.

My own space.

Good music - preferably something where I can understand the words. Different notes for different parts of my day.

Alexa. I’m not a huge fan of all she can do, but I do enjoy what I ask her to do.

A good book with a comfy chair and the time to absorb the written word.

Spending time with a longtime friend, doing nothing or talking a mile-a-minute.

Knowing she’s just a call away.

Spending time with good friends from all walks of life, just chillin’ or gossiping or partying or planning to party or playing cards or whatever one of us suggests.

Apparently it depends on the person saying it, the person hearing it, the time of day, the phases of the moon and tides, and whatever else may be going on at the moment one utters ‘love’ as to what it really means.

Trivial Pursuit. I have an ongoing game of 40 years with my brother which I say is “about even.” I also have games with the next generation and I’m starting to slip with them, but hanging close.

I have devised my own love-like-adore list. There is no particular order to these objects of my affection but collectively they bring much joy into my life.

I’m sure my list is quite incomplete. It is not meant to be in any order – one day I may prefer Trivial Pursuit over a gorgeous sunset and change things around the next day.

My husband of 58 years. Although some days more and others less. That’s how we got to 58, more or less.

My daughter who’s creeping up on 50 in another year.

There were days when I wondered whether either of us would survive...look at us now!

My cat, Sugar. On any given day she’s at the top of my list. On others she’s below bottom.

Sunsets behind the pines, over water, reflecting on a glass building, coloring the snowy mountains, shifting with the dust in the Grand Canyon, making rainbows at

I’d like February’s message to be about ‘love’ for all who need it in a place that makes them happy with those whom they love and who love them back.

Ann Robson is the author of “Over My Shoulder: Tales of Life and Death and Everything In Between.” She may be reached at overmyshoulder@charter.net .

FEBRUARY 2019 |

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Generations

by Barbara Hengstenberg & ONC Staff

laugh?

OutreachNC asked adults and children our February question. Share your answer on our Facebook page!

How does your best friend make you The eye roll. - Becky, 69 When my best friend, Matthew, plays jokes on me. - Nolan, 5 The perfect snarky meme. - Michelle, 35 He tells me funny jokes and riddles. - Leo, 12 All those “remember whens.” - Donna, 65

That one little look between friends or family can set me off into hysterics. - Donna, 68 When he says, “Oh, I forgot my pants,” and then he walks backwards. - Briana, 6 When she reminds me of the “old ole days” and memories shared. - Leanne, 37 My friends aren’t funny. - Owen, 11

She will bring up inside jokes or sometimes tell me something randomly like a dream she had. She starts laughing and then I start laughing, too. - Nora, 13

Talking about memories of things that happened years ago. Cindy, 70

By having no filter. - Amy, 50

When she imitates our moms talking at Starbucks. - Megan, 12

My dog is my best friend, and I laugh when she howls at the fire engines. - Bobby, 11

The infectious sound of her giggle and the twinkle in her eye when she’s heard something funny. - Ellen, 57.

Just thinking of her and all our antics makes me laugh.

- Lori, 52

When he opens his mouth when he chews his food. Hahahaha.

- Gabe, 7

My best friend, Jayda, makes me laugh when she makes funny faces and acts silly. - Ale, 8

66

OutreachNC.com | FEBRUARY 2019

When we meet up and commiserate, just knowing each other “gets it.” - Barbara, 57

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