Queering Mental Health 2021

Queering Mental Health Contents Volume 2

EDITORIAL Publishers: Jerry Cunningham & Steven Haden Editor: Addison Herron-Wheeler Creative Director: Veronica L. Holyfield ART Graphic Designer: Veronica L. Holyfield MARKETING & SALES Brianna Armstrong, Brian Byrdson, Quincey Roisum

COPY EDITOR Keegan Williams CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Denny Patterson, Madison Rose, Ray Manzari, Rick Kitzman, Zak Hyde, Zachari Breeding CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS Aiko Szymczak, Ben Seagren, Christopher La Fleur, Corinne Trujillo

5 6 8 11 14 18 21 22 24 27 30 32 34 36 38

From the Publisher How Can Technology Support Our Mental Health?

Lean On Me Awards: Jared Polis Rx Abuse Leadership Initiative Sex Ed & Mental Health Racial Injustice & What To Do About It Renaissance Creator Ben Seagren Make Mindfulness a Regular Practice This Is Where We Heal My Art Is My Life Queer At All Sizes Growing Up With Mental Health Management Prove You're Trans: The Arduous Path to Gender-Affirming Care Mental Health Daze Out of the Shadows and Into the Sunlight: Life After COVID Mental Health Resources

Trigger warning: the stories in this insert contain themes of mental health issues, substance misuse, and suicidal ideation. envision -you.org 3

Some developments invest in our economy, our entertainment or our infrastructure.

This one, is an investment in the future of it all.

Mental Health and Well-Being for All. DiversusHealth.org

FROM THE PUBLISHER

Mental Health

W

elcome to the second-annual Queering Mental Health edition. What you will read and see in the following pages is the result of an incredibly talented team from OFM and Envision:You who are committed to improving behavioral health outcomes for members of the LGBTQ community.

Envision:You is a Colorado LGBTQ mental health and substance abuse disorder initiative that aims to support, educate, and empower members of the state’s LGBTQ community who are living with mental health and/or substance use disorders.

Although being a member of the LGBTQ community does not necessarily increase the risk for mental health issues, the stigma, stress, and discrimination LGBTQ individuals may face from family, friends, and society can increase risk for mental health challenges.

and resilience from people in recovery, the ongoing challenges posed by navigating racial injustice, what life may look like for queer folks after COVID, and the incredible influence the pandemic has had on young and old alike. It has been an extraordinary year—one where all our mental health has been impacted.

You will also hear from Governor Jared Polis about the work that he and his administration are undertaking to revolutionize the delivery of behavioral health services in Colorado to include reducing barriers that prevent queer folks from accessing affirming and culturally relevant care.

It is my wish that after reading this issue, you will find hope and inspiration to lead you to improved mental health and well-being.

Warmly,

Steven Haden Consequently, people in the LGBTQ community experience mental health issues at higher rates. A Co-Publisher, Queering Mental Health recent study found 61 percent have depression; 45 Chief Executive Officer, Envision:You percent have PTSD, and 36 percent have an anxiety disorder. Substance use disorders are much higher too, with nearly 25 percent of LGBTQ folks struggling.

During the past year, nearly 50 percent of young queer people have had strong thoughts of suicide, according to the Trevor Project. We also know that 40 percent of transgender individuals have attempted suicide in their lifetime, which is nearly nine times the overall rate in the United States.

There is no single answer for why these disparities exist. But stigma and trauma certainly contribute, and many LGBTQ individuals face barriers to getting good care for mental health.

In this edition of Queering Mental Health, you will learn about important initiatives underway to address mental health inequities, read stories of hope

If you or anyone you know is experiencing an emotional or mental health crisis, please contact COLORADO CRISIS SERVICES by calling 844-493-8255, or text TALK to 38255. envision -you.org 5

How Can Technology Support Our Mental Health?

by Zak Hyde

O

ver the past year, the role of technology in our daily lives has grown substantially, as the pandemic motivated a collective transition toward virtual connection and collaboration.

Technology use became a necessary requirement to talk with loved ones, work alongside colleagues, and access news coverage from the outside world. Never before have we relied so heavily on our devices to bring us together and support our holistic health and well-being.

While we adapted our lives to the digital world, the health system also transformed to virtually meet the diverse needs of patients. Telehealth service delivery grew by more than 4000 percent from 2019 to 2020, and studies estimate that 50 percent of patients with a behavioral health condition accessed care remotely during the pandemic. Public health organizations have also needed to alter programming to be more accessible online.

Here at Envision: You, we launched our LGBTQ+ Behavioral Health Provider Training Program and

6 QUEERING MENTAL HEALTH 2 0 2 1

How to Have the Talk advocacy campaign completely digitally to expand our impact across Colorado while following pandemic safety guidelines.

Although technology has allowed for continuing access to health services, the pandemic has greatly impacted the mental health of Colorado’s LGBTQ community. Envision:You’s “Our Community and COVID-19” survey found that 44 percent of LGBTQ Coloradans experienced a loss of support systems during the pandemic, and more than half of survey respondents identified increased mental health support as a need last year.

These effects only exacerbate existing health disparities faced by Colorado’s LGBTQ community.

LGBTQ Coloradans experience depressive disorders, anxiety disorders, and suicide contemplation at three times the rate of the general population and are more likely to face social inequalities that inhibit healthcare access. Youth who identify as LGBTQ are especially at risk for behavioral health challenges, with 20 percent of LGBQ and 33 percent of trans youth reporting a

past-year suicide attempt on the 2017 Healthy Kids Colorado Survey.

The expansion of health technology has been essential to pandemic response and healthcare service delivery, but the tools currently available have yet to adequately meet the unique, behavioral health needs of LGBTQ folks. There is a striking lack of digital health solutions that are made specifically for the LGBTQ community, despite evidence that tailored technologies may be more effective in supporting behavioral health. This shortcoming is incredibly concerning but represents an opportunity for immense progress in the coming years.

Digital health interventions designed for and by the LGBTQ community have the potential to support individual mental health and reach individuals who may not otherwise seek support. More than 80 percent of Americans now own a smartphone, and individuals have access to smartphones at similar rates regardless of race or ethnicity. New technologies can also surpass geographical restraints to expand access to resources and facilitate connections for LGBTQ folks living in urban centers as well as rural areas.

Advanced utilization of AI models can also revolutionize mental healthcare delivery, and the Trevor Project has begun using AI to better prioritize crisis line messages from LGBTQ youth.

As technology becomes more intertwined with our health and wellness, we need to be intentional about designing technologies that are community-driven and tailored to meet our unique needs.

In 2021, Envision: You is embracing values of technology and innovation to expand the reach and effectiveness of our programs. In addition to digital adaptations of existing programming, we are in the process of creating our own LGBTQ behavioral health smartphone application. We intend to integrate a LGBTQ identity-affirming resource directory with self-guided wellness tools and a virtual peer support network. Through behavioral nudges, social motivation, and community engagement, members of the LGBTQ community will be able to monitor their personal wellness and connect with others experiencing similar challenges.

The development of this project will not be possible without feedback from the community. We are implementing a human-centered design process to incorporate diverse perspectives and address the needs of LGBTQ individuals living in rural, small, and mountain communities as well as metro areas. If you would like to offer feedback on how technology can best support your well-being, please use the QR code to fill out a brief survey.

All responses are anonymous and confidential, and we appreciate any insight you may be able to provide!

envision -you.org 7

8 QUEERING MENTAL HEALTH 2 0 2 1

Jared Polis

by Denny Patterson

Since the inception of Envision:You, Colorado Governor Jared Polis and his administration have been very supportive of the organization’s mission, and even recorded a public service announcement last fall for their “How to Have the Talk” campaign.

Because of his commitment to advancing mental health equity, Polis will receive Envison: You’s Lean on Me Award. Envision:You honors mental health leaders, allies, and advocates with this award every year at their annual Garden Party. This year’s event will be held July 31 at the Denver Botanic Gardens.

“Envision:You created the Lean on Me Award to recognize individuals who actively work to improve the well-being of LGBTQ individuals who live with mental health and substance use disorders,” says Steven Haden, Envision:You CEO and co-founder. “I am grateful for Governor Polis’ support of Envision:You and thrilled to be honoring him with our secondannual Lean on Me Award. As the nation’s first openly gay governor, he has demonstrated his commitment to equity and inclusion for LGBTQ+ Coloradans. He has signed several landmark legislations into law that protect the rights of gay and transgender individuals, and his administration is working to improve the behavioral healthcare system to ensure culturally sensitive care is available to everyone, no matter their identity. Governor Polis is a dedicated advocate for improving the lives of LGBTQ individuals, and this award is a well-deserved recognition of his efforts.”

Polis took some time out of his busy schedule to chat with OFM. How does it feel to be this year’s recipient of Envision:You’s Lean on Me Award?

I am deeply honored and know that it reflects the work of a big team that we brought together to really work on revolutionizing the successful delivery of behavioral

health in Colorado.

What does winning this award personally mean to you?

Certainly, we do the work for its own sake, but when people acknowledge me in this way, it obviously is very meaningful to me. I am glad there are folks out there who acknowledge the good work that is being done.

Why is mental health such an important issue for you?

It is important for Colorado. It is important for everybody. It is every bit as important as physical health, and of course, it even has a correlation with physical health. If we care about our successes, the state, Colorado for all—that includes those who have behavioral health challenges.

I am sure your job as governor can cause severe stress, anxiety, and frustration. What do you do to keep your own mental health and well-being in check?

My hobbies include gaming; I play League of Legends.

My partner and I watch TV or movies; we play board games with the kids. Those are some of my main hobbies.

Why do you think mental health is an issue that is often pushed to the side or swept under the rug?

It really shouldn’t be. Unfortunately, it is still stigmatized by many people, and you would be surprised how many people are willing to talk about things like, 'I had a heart attack or had open heart surgery,' but they are not willing to say, 'I am in treatment for mental health; I have to go to a substance abuse treatment center,' or 'I am struggling with sobriety.' I think we need to remove that stigma, have an open and honest discussion, and be able to support those who are friends and family members in need of help.

Why do you think mental health is an even bigger issue in the LGBTQ community?

I think that many members of the LGBTQ community have issues related to stress and trauma or issues related to coming out and not being fully accepted by family, friends, or loved ones. Sometimes, that can manifest different ways throughout their lives.

What more do you and your administration hope to do to revolutionize the delivery of mental health services in Colorado?

Really avoid the replication of services across different agencies and levels of government and streamlining in a way where somebody in need of help can get all the help they need and links to resources in one place at the time that they need them in a very easy way.

I think we are moving forward. As I said, I expect some of the legislation will become law soon that comes out envision -you.org 9

of this effort to streamline services and focus on the patient first.

Visit cdhs.colorado.gov to learn more about the innovative changes underway in Colorado. For more information on Envision:You, visit envision-you.org.

If you or someone you know is experiencing an emotional or mental health crisis, please contact Colorado Crisis Services by calling 844-493-8255 or text TALK to 38255.

Rx Abuse Leadership Initiative

by Ray Manzari COVID-19 threw a wrench in many industries that used to rely on meeting in person, and one of the most heavily affected is the substance use recovery system. The pandemic and resulting public safety precautions have made a dramatic impact on important healthcare systems and recovery support.

Colorado’s opioid overdose rate spiked 179 percent between 2001 and 2015, and in 2017, more than 500 Coloradans died of prescription opioid or heroin overdoses. An already precarious situation was made worse with the COVID-19 pandemic. People who are experiencing feelings of isolation and distress often use substances as a means of relief; furthermore, social support is a crucial factor in many individual’s recoveries.

COVID-19, when paired with a substance-use disorder, has a considerable impact on the LGBTQ population. Studies have found that the queer community is at an increased risk of substance use than their cishet counterparts. In 2018, the misuse of prescription opioids or heroin was reported by 9 percent of LGBTQ folks, in contrast to 4 percent of non-LGBTQ people.

1 0 QUEERING MENTAL HEALTH 2 0 2 1

"The higher prevalence of substance use disorders, including opioid use disorder, among LGBTQ+ people can best be understood within the framework of minority stress. Starting at a young age, LGBTQ+ individuals live with everyday discrimination, marginalization, and victimization based on their sexual and gender minority statuses. The stress caused by such high levels of external stigma can disrupt an individual’s psychological processes, such as the ability to cope adaptively, regulate emotions, and achieve positive interpersonal relationships. To escape or mute these challenging emotions, some LGBTQ+ people turn to opioids and other substances that provide a sense of euphoria or relief," says Steven Haden, chief executive officer and co-founder of Envision:You. The Rx Abuse Leadership Initiative has taken action to help prevent further loss of life to overdose, and share the best practices for prevention. RALI works with state and national community leaders to address the growing concerns of the opioid crisis. They provide instructions on how to safely use and dispose of prescriptions as well as signs of substance use to look for in friends or loved ones.

In acknowledgment of the work RALI has done Envision:You has presented them with the 2021 Lean on Me Award which recognizes outstanding organizations making a positive impact on the health and wellness of the LGBTQ community.

Haden continues, "Envision:You is pleased to recognize the Rx Abuse Leadership Initiative with its 2021 Lean on Me Award. Every year we recognize an organization that has been a vital partner in our effort to address the behavioral health needs of the LGBTQ+ community.

In Colorado and across the United States, RALI is committed to supporting innovative programming that reduces the dependence and impact of substance use disorders among LGBTQ+ individuals."

Representatives from RALI provided the following quote regarding their recognition: “RALI Colorado is grateful for the partnership we've built with Envision:You and the LGBTQ community.

Receiving the Lean on Me award is a special honor, but the real recognition belongs to OFM, Envision:You, and the many others who dedicate their lives to serving the community. There is still so much work to be done in supporting the community through COVID and the stresses of everyday life. RALI Colorado is honored to be part of the journey with you.”

SexandED Mental Health

Comprehensive Sex Education for Physically Disabled Community. She is also the co-founder and co-leader of The University of Colorado, Denver’s Sex Positivity Society, an organization which provides an inclusive space to discuss sexual health and wellbeing for students.

by Madison Rose

Before we dive into questions, please tell me a little bit about you, your research, and what’s on the horizon for your future?

I’m Samantha. My pronouns are she/her/ hers. I'm a graduate student at CU Denver. I'm working on my master's in counseling. My future plan is to be a sex therapist and sex educator and work with the disability community. I am disabled myself, which is why this specialty is so important to me.

How does exclusion in sex education hurt the mental health of those left behind?

M

In schools, sex education is often taught by a teacher within the school system rather than an experienced or certified sex educator.

School systems are allowed to choose what is appropriate for students to learn. It can be pretty uncomfortable for students to have to ask personal or embarrassing questions to their teacher, especially if they don't trust them, if the lessons are not inclusive.

ental and sexual health go hand in hand.

Comprehensive sex education is a vital aspect of healthy sexual and mental health. Currently, only 30 U.S. states require sex education in public schools, and 36 states allow parents to opt their child out of sex education. Colorado is one of the 20 states which do not require public schools to teach sex education.

Teens are often afraid to ask questions outside of the curriculum in fear of being judged or made fun of. These gaps in safe sex practices exposed teens to STIs, unwanted pregnancy, and sexual assault. We, as a society, ostracize those who have an STI, often labeling them as dirty when in reality STIs are treatable and preventable. When we stigmatize sex, it leads to shame, guilt, depression, negative self-esteem.

Young adults in Colorado are missing out from vital information, such as education on STIs such as HIV, birth control, and consent. Even in sex education classes that are taught in Colorado schools, many nuanced discussions on human sexuality are missed.

LGBTQ individuals are virtually invisible, along with the physically disabled community. If these lessons aren’t being taught in schools, it raises the question: “How does exclusion in sex education hurt the mental health of those left behind?”

Consent is a huge aspect of sex education that isn't discussed enough. Consent is more than “no means no.” Sometimes teens may be afraid to say no or haven't been taught how to say no when they're in the moment.

They don't want to upset their partner; they don't want to be called a tease. If it's not an enthusiastic yes (implicitly and explicitly), then it should be considered or no.

What would sex education for the LGBTQIA+ community look like?

OFM sat down with Samantha Slawson, a graduate student at the University of Denver. Slawson has Sex education, in general, is heteronormative. Sex spearheaded several research projects, including her education tends to focus on preventing pregnancy undergraduate honors thesis, Needs Assessment of and sexually transmitted infections but does not envision -you.org 11

extend to the LGBTQIA+ community. Our current conversations around gender identity is a perfect example of this. We are beginning to acknowledge that gender is not binary; however, sex education in schools still teach that it is. Students are separated into different classrooms based on their assumed gender. Trans and nonbinary identities are not addressed.

Same-sex relationships are barely addressed, and when they are, it's done in a way where it's separate from the main curriculum. This leaves an entire population confused and unsure of how to receive support. They may even feel unsafe asking for support. We want to keep teens healthy and safe in their sexual relationships. We have to address the experiences that they are going through, without fear or judgment.

What about the physically disabled community?

Sex education for the physically disabled community, slim to none. It's not uncommon for teens with disabilities to receive little to no sex education. What little education they receive may not be relevant to their physical needs. In our society, we view people with disabilities as asexual. We assume that somebody in a wheelchair is incapable of having sex.

In reality, I can promise you that's not true. When we make these assumptions, disabled teens are left to figure it out themselves. They're not going to go ask their parents, and their doctors probably are not going to bring it up, either. Other students probably assume that they're not capable of having sex because it's not talked about. This makes it harder for disabled teens to enter into relationships. This is incredibly isolating and makes them feel undesirable. Nobody should feel that way, especially because it's not true.

People with disabilities are just as capable of having healthy relationships and pleasurable sex lives.

What are some good resources for young adults who know they will not receive the sex education they need or any sex ed at all?

Books

Instagram @Shrimpteeth

Sex Plus by Laci Green

@Crippingupsex

Doing It by Hannah Witton

@intimately.co

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

@sexpositive_families

ADHD After Dark by Ari Tuckman

@drsprankle @honestlynae

YouTube

TikTok

Sexplanations

@catiesaurus

Hannah Witton

@lovewithjanel

Websites erickahart.podia.com sexpositivefamilies.com

1 2 QUEERING MENTAL HEALTH 2 0 2 1

Do you have any mental health tips for our readers in regards to sexual health?

Helping open communication is important in regards to mental health and sexual health. How we treat our partners before and after we have sex can improve our mental health. Before you have sex with someone, you should ask them what their expectations are, what they enjoy, what they don't enjoy. Healthy communication leads to trust. Being able to say, ‘I don't want to try that,’ or, ‘I'm not really comfortable with that,’ allows a partner to know to avoid this scenarios.

Aftercare is just as important. This can be cuddling, but it should also include talking, checking in on your partner to make sure that it was pleasurable for them.

This can be done by asking, ‘Was that enjoyable to you?’

‘What did you like?’ or, ‘What can you do without next time?’ Really listening to their perspective and not just assuming that they enjoyed it the same way you did.

How effective do you feel Colorado’s sex education program is?

Colorado doesn't require schools to include sex education, so it depends on the school system if they want to provide it, their views and standards for sex education. I know there's been a push for more inclusive language, including LGBTQIA+ communities.

Parents still have the right to opt their kids out of sex ed if they feel it doesn't align with their abuse or what they want their children to learn. Unfortunately, there aren't many certified sex educators in Colorado.

However, there are several great resources within the Denver metro community.

Websites denverpublichealth.org/communityhealth-promotion/youth-health/sexual thepca.org heydenver.org thebluebench.org Any closing thoughts?

Sex should be safe and pleasurable! Use condoms! Use dental dams! Talk, talk, talk, before, after, throughout!

Wash your hands! Make sure you pee after sex, especially if you have a vulva! Learn what you like and dislike. It should also be fun! Don't be afraid to laugh; don't be afraid to be silly; don't be afraid to voice your wants and desires, and don't be afraid to be you! envision -you.org 13

RACIAL INJUSTICE

& What to Do About It

by Donaven Smith

1 4 QUEERING MENTAL HEALTH 2 0 2 1

S

ummer 2020 was filled with national uprisings against racism and police brutality.

Conversations around power, intersectional identities, and injustice exploded into protests, riots, and lethal violence. As a queer, Black man, I watched people who look like me be murdered for simply being, as a global pandemic and the consequences of this nation’s legacy of slavery ran rampant. We watched soul-crushing footage of George Floyd’s murder, which impacted us all psychologically, emotionally, and physically.

crumble around us but continue to protect our hearts and mental health?

As a QTBIPOC, I engage in mindfulness throughout the day to ensure I am present for the world around me. I practice radical acceptance of myself and celebrate the beauty of my diversity. I spend time away from social media when I need to. When I am able, I get involved in activism, letting my lived experiences propel me forward. I have struggled with (and continue to struggle with) panic, suicidality, and recovery from addiction.

In 2020, returning to therapy, embracing psychiatric The murdering of Black people due to systemic medication, and pursuing alternative pathways to racism and implicit biases was not news to BIPOC recovery outside of abstinence saved my life.

(Black, Indigenous, people of color) communities, To those of you who do not identify as BIPOC, or but the global response was unlike anything we had QTBIPOC, speak up against racism in your spheres experienced before. One hundred forty U.S. cities and of influence, examine your own implicit biases, 20 countries around the world committed to the fight check on your BIPOC loved ones, and engage in against racial injustice. If Cornel West is right when he political action. Protest, sign petitions, and call preached that “justice is what love looks like in public,” your state representatives to demand change. These then it is even more apparent that our “justice” system conversations can be uncomfortable, but small is nothing more than a hateful, injustice system. moments of uncomfortability can spread into large Systemic racial oppression is not love. moments of change.

BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, people of color) experience racism in their everyday lives, and when a diverse sexual and/or gender identity intersects with a BIPOC one (or with another marginalized identity such as being a woman or a person with disabilities), an individual’s lived experience is not only deeply impacted by -Rosa Parks racism, but other systems of oppression, as well (e.g., homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, ableism).

Stay involved in the conversations, keep learning, and It is well-documented that LGBTQ folks experience continue to educate others on the movements against depression, anxiety, and substance use disorders at anti-BIPOC racism and discrimination against other a much higher rate than cisgender and heterosexual marginalized folks. Lastly, listen without judgment folks. However, at the intersections of marginalized when BIPOC and QTBIPOC share their experiences of races, sexualities, and genders, we see more mental discrimination, microaggressions, and victimization health crises, hospitalizations, and deaths by suicide with you. Let their stories inform your work. In the wise words of Angela Davis, “In a racist society, it is not and overdose. enough to be non-racist, we must be anti-racist.” AntiWith this in mind, how do those of us who hold racism is intentional action always.

QTBIPOC* identities take care of ourselves? How do we pull ourselves up by our bootstraps when we I am still learning how to be a dependable ally to weren’t even given bootstraps to begin with? How do folks who do not hold the same identities as I do. As we navigate systems of oppression that keep us from conversations about anti-racism and allyship continue thriving authentically? How do we watch the world to happen, it is important to remember that most of us

"

To bring about change, you must not be afraid to take the first step. We will fail when we fail to try.

"

envision -you.org 15

are doing the best we can to be solid activists. Nobody is perfect at allyship, advocacy, or activism. We are all growing and learning as our culture shifts and we engage more folks in collective direct action for justice.

To my queer and straight BIPOC, take care of yourselves.

Yes, this work is forever ongoing, but anti-oppressive work can be traumatic, draining, and frustrating. We are not superhuman. You can’t be an activist who is pouring your soul into change if you aren’t filling up your soul with what keeps you centered. Water the garden of your mind with truths that keep you grounded: I am brave; I am enough, and I am valuable in this fight.

With that, I’ll leave you with an analogy I heard from Sonya Renee Taylor (Instagram: @sonyareneetaylor).

Imagine you’ve baked a cake, and you realize that you accidentally put a cup of salt into it instead of a cup of sugar. If America is the cake and racism is the salt, we can’t rid America of racism, as it is built into the foundation of what America is. The only solution here is to dismantle the cake and rebuild it with systems that support BIPOC, QTBIPOC, and every, other vulnerable community. We still have a long way to go in the pursuit of racial equity and justice, so until that day comes, stay radicalized, love hard, and be loud.

" There comes a

time when silence is betrayal.

-Martin Luther King Jr.

1 6 QUEERING MENTAL HEALTH 2 0 2 1

"

Photos by Ben Seagren

Renaissance Creator Ben Seagren

by Denny Patterson 1 8 QUEERING MENTAL HEALTH 2 0 2 1

Introducing Ben Seagren, aka Jupert, a New-York based photographer, makeup artist, and drag queen.

Working closely with the drag community, the bornand-raised Coloradoan uses his background in storytelling to capture creative, surreal, and unique portraits of his subjects that often hit home to many who struggle with mental health. Refusing to allow anxiety and depression rule, his pieces go beyond the struggles highlighting the beauty within them and the transformation that can come as a result of working through the hard times. As depression and anxiety have risen over recent years, especially within the LGBTQ communities, this year’s issue on mental health is more important than ever. OFM had the opportunity to chat more with Ben about his work as well as his own struggles with mental health.

Can you start off by telling me a bit about yourself and your background as an artist?

Yeah definitely! I’m originally from Denver, moved to Seattle for a while, and then just recently moved to New York City two months ago. So, newly out here and really excited! I come from a background in opera and vocal performances in musical theater, moved into photography, and then added on makeup as I did more photography work.

So you come from an opera background! That’s so That’s a great question! I would say that more than cool! Can you tell me a bit more about that and how anything, when I’m making something I kind of have a feeling or emotion in mind while I’m making it. I think you moved into photography? it’s just that idea of being able to live in different boxes I started in opera when I was 13. I was training and or in different shoes, very similar to, to opera, or to doing vocal performance and it was always something performing. Being able to embody an emotion from a that I was going to do. I ended up going to school for moment in time. It’s usually not ever something I plan, vocal performance. During my years in opera, I was but more of how I’m feeling in the moment. On the flip performing a lot when I realized that to be a good opera side, when it’s for a performance or for a number that I singer, you had to do it the exact same way it’s always photograph it’s planned around the song, what kind of been done. That never really rung true for me. So, I arc the story is going to take, and how I want people to had a full diva moment and left opera. A few months react to it. later, I was in school for photography. That just felt like second nature because it was something that I cared Can you tell me a bit about your pieces for this so much about in addition to music. These two worlds mental health issue and the stories behind them? always worked in tandem for me because I’ve always I made two pieces that were kind of embodiments of been interested in storytelling and creating a world for mental health situations. There’s the black-and-gold characters to live in. Photography allows me to do that skull and then the blue portrait. I wanted to embody on my own terms. the depression and anxiety that I and many artists deal Storytelling is really important to you; how do you with while turning them into something a little more tell stories through your photography? beautiful. The idea behind the blue portrait with its big

envision -you.org 19

A lot of your images are rooted in this idea of transformation. Why is that so important to you?

silver halo and silver tears represents my depression and where I had a tough time. Coming out, growing up, finding my own, and all of those difficult moments coming together to make the person that I am now. I don’t think of them as sad moments but things that I can look back on and be proud of making it through.

The gold skull portrait represents how my anxiety is something that has fueled a lot of things that I make.

The gold on the front represents the beauty in whatever I’m making or the result of my anxiety. It’s the good part of it. The dark piece of the makeup is the back end of that. A lot of times making the art or making a piece is fueled by this idea of not being good enough or not wanting to prove that you’re good enough. And that is where that golden spark grew from.

2 0 QUEERING MENTAL HEALTH 2 0 2 1

I think transformation is something that’s always fascinated me. I grew up watching monster movies, anime, and cartoons. Those were my idols growing up as a queer kid in suburban Colorado. When I started doing makeup, my mom gave me this old eyeshadow palette that was plastic and from the early 90s. I still have it! I would do whole faces in eyeshadow because it was the only thing I knew. They turned out horribly every time, but this idea of being able to embody something else was almost like a passport for me. It gave me an escape and permission to experience different things. The same thing with acting, it was being able to create a monologue and exist in that space or that experience.

What are some projects you are currently working on? What can we see coming from you in the future?

I can’t disclose any details, but I’m really excited to be working with a few performers, a few companies, as well as a few brands out here in NYC. And as far as personal projects go, I have this one project in my mind that I’ve been wanting to do for a few years now, and I’m finally getting to the point that I can do it. It’s going to be a series of a lot of different makeups but move beyond just makeup. I’ll be doing costuming, styling, location work, and prosthetics. That’s one of the next projects I’m scheming about right now.

A REGULAR PRACTICE

MAKE

by Zachari Breeding, MS, RDN, CSO, LDN, FAND

M

indfulness is the practice of being aware of the present state—where you are and what you are doing in the moment. Practicing mindfulness keeps the chaos going on around us, and in our minds, on the back burner so that we can enjoy the present moment and focus on the things most important to us. In turn, we use mindfulness to re-center our focus on what is best for us, instead of reacting to the constant stimuli around us. We know how difficult it can be to do this, but the benefits far exceed the effort.

BODY-BASED PRACTICES Massage utilizes the skills of a specialized practitioner to bring physical, and subsequent mental, relaxation to the recipient. Massage therapists can also work out physical stress and tension, relieving the body of the physical pain stress can bring.

Acupuncture is an ancient method of opening “pathways” throughout the body that may be “clogged” with negative energy and stress. An experienced practitioner uses tiny needles, as thin as a hair, to Mind-body medicine, body-based practices, and stimulate positive energy flow to relieve stress and intentional eating are all forms of mindfulness that tension. share the same benefits; what you choose depends on INTENTIONAL EATING (1) what your personal needs are, (2) what works best Intentional eating is a form of mindfulness that helps for you, and (3) which brings you the most joy. us stay aware of our hunger and fullness cues, so we only eat what we need without overfilling ourselves MIND-BODY MEDICINE and feeling sluggish afterwards. Encourage yourself to Yoga is a physical practice that engages nearly all make choices that will be satisfying and nourishing to of the muscle groups to remain still in various pre- your body without judging moments of eating foods established poses. The idea is to stay present in each that may not be nutrient-dense. There is room for all pose, to hold still for as long as possible, and increase foods when you are intentionally eating. Here are some your awareness on how your body feels in various tips on eating intentionally: positions.

Choose modest portions; avoid “eating with your eyes.”

Meditation may also include deep breathing and For a standard, nine-inch, plate, 1/4 should be protein, 1/4 carbs, and 1/2 vegetables. guided imagery. Meditation, deep breathing, and guided imagery are all mental practices used to help Eat slowly, and savor the food you are eating. When we refocus the person on their own internal space to find eat too quickly, we don’t allow our body to tell us when peace and clarity. There is no “best” way to meditate, we are full. Eating with others can help slow down how but basic practices include: find a quiet space to sit in a fast someone eats. comfortable position, allow your imagination to create Try not to skip meals. Doing so may keep your body a peaceful environment, and take deep and controlled from telling you when it needs nourishment and often results in overeating at meal periods. breaths. envision -you.org 21

THIS IS WHERE WE

Heal

by Corrine Trujillo

“T

Her presence is heavy and fixed like a boulder in a stream.

his is Where We drowning uncontrollably and Heal” is an acrylic being overcome and then begins painting that parallels to oscillate with themes of the consuming and paralyzing floating, fluidity, and serenity. The elements of mental health with sea anemones add a dichotomy the indescribable aspects of between embracement versus acceptance and healing. Artists restrainment and ease versus Aiko Szymczak and Corinne discomfort. Each sea anemone Trujillo use their combined takes on its own life as a single experiences to depict lurking states of mind with the thought or feeling. The figure allows it to consume her. use of body language, symbolism, and color.

The lisianthus flowers are extensions of the figure The stoic, black-and-white figure holds a resemblance and produce what is reminiscent of tears. The to stone. She is closed off with her hand in a state of gravitational pull of these drips incorporates a sense concealment as it bars a part of her from the viewer. of weight. Although the flowers bear sorrowfulness, There is a mysteriousness to what the subject is the lisianthus represents love and acceptance and experiencing. Her presence is heavy and fixed like a illuminates the healing nature of emotional release. boulder in a stream. The surrounding elements begin The painting contains themes of isolation and pain but to encapsulate and weather her away. The subject is the juxtaposition of neon colors, playful movements, settled in water as she sits with herself. and ethereal forms expose the chaotic-yet-ineffable Water becomes a prevalent theme in this piece, journey of recovery. An odyssey that unfolds as a as her story progresses. It symbolizes states of beautiful mess.

2 2 QUEERING MENTAL HEALTH 2 0 2 1

As artists, we strive to speak to difficult issues relating to the mind and emotional states. Sometimes, the scariest parts of the world rest inside your own mind and follow you wherever you go. Our work, separately and collectively, spawns from the divine chaos that

rests inside each and every one of us. We use art as a vehicle for transforming pain, depression and anxiety into an exhalation of creation and connection. Trauma continues to be a part of us once it is experienced and persevering is one of the most extraordinary forms of art one can create.

envision -you.org 23

My Art is My Life Words and art by Christopher La Fleur

M

y name is Christopher La Fleur, and I’ve had “behavioral issues'' since I was a kid.

The alphabet soup of my formal diagnoses is enough to make LGBTQIAA+ blush. In fact, if I gave LGBTQQIP2SAA a shot, that might come closer to competing with the letters used to describe me on paper.

And there’s a lot of paper.

In 2015, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 (the slow one). My therapist and I added Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and ADHD in 2017. That didn’t fully describe me as a person, so in 2019, we added mild OCD. In 2021, my doctors and I also discovered I have Menieres Disease, a disorder of the inner ear which causes a host of unpleasant effects from vomiting to vertigo, but for me, it means I’m HoH: Hard of Hearing and going deaf fast.

So, for those of you who don’t know me, hi. My name is BP1GADADHDOCDHOH. Doesn’t that sound stupid?

2 4 QUEERING MENTAL HEALTH 2 0 2 1

For me and so many of my contemporaries, this is how we introduce ourselves. How I once introduced myself. We explain away our lives with letters, praying someone will understand why we lead with everything wrong with us.

So, I invite you to try again with me. Let me start.

My name is Christopher and I’m a successful fine

For me and so many of my contemporaries, this is how we introduce ourselves. How I once introduced myself. We explain away our lives with letters, praying someone will understand why we lead with everything wrong with us.

sleep. When I felt like I’d lost pretty much everything (for the n’th time, because that’s the life-cycle of an addict) I still had my art. When the partying was out of control and the world was too loud, I had my art.

Recovering from a suicide attempt on a ranch far from So, I invite you to try again with me. Let me start. home, I had my art. And now, for the first time in my My name is Christopher, and I’m a successful fine life, the world is too quiet outside, though I suspect artist first. Everything else in my life comes second, it’s as loud as I am on the inside these days. including my limitations. Now, you try. I know that That’s the thing about being an artist. We have no you’re a badass. Give yourself a shot. Maybe try some control over what chooses us or why. I cannot help that I’m BP1GADADHDOCDHOH. That found me. art.

My art is my life. It is generally what I eat, breathe, and It continues to make me a better person in spite of sleep–especially when I feel like I can’t eat, breathe, or the storm. Likewise, I had no control over my artistic inclination. That found me.

I have always believed that the Universe (or whatever god you believe in, whatever faith you subscribe to) does not drop us unprepared or ill-equipped into the maelstrom.

She drops us into this life naked, ignorant, and cold. I was given these superpowers, my different way of experiencing the world. I was also given the tools and weapons I needed to make sense of it all.

Do you see what a perfect, queer creation you are? Do you understand the magnificent balancing act of your existence? It took a lot of artmaking for me to realize it. My hope is that artmaking will inform you of your own divinity, too.

Wherever you are, whatever cross you bear or Hell you find yourself in, lighten the load with your creativity.

Help the world understand what it’s like to push your stone up the hill. In time, you’ll find it much lighter.

envision -you.org 25

2 6 QUEERING MENTAL HEALTH 2 0 2 1

Q U E E R

at all sizes

Mental Health and Body Image

R

ecently, I went to the doctor and was told, once again, that I am not healthy and need to be incredibly concerned about my BMI, which is allegedly in one of the highest percentiles for obesity. I work out every day, eat well, and focus on fitness, but I was immediately brushed off as incredibly unhealthy despite how I look or feel, simply because my plus-sized body and extreme, short height of 4 feet, 11 inches does not vibe with the antiquated BMI system.

I wish that personal story was a unique one to me, one that not many people have to deal with.

Unfortunately, that is not the case. A Drexel University study shows that plus-size women are less likely than their thin counterparts to seek healthcare at all if they

by Addison Herron-Wheeler

have a high BMI. Folks in general, especially women and assigned-female-at-birth individuals, often face discrimination in healthcare that seeks more to scare and shame patients than it does to eliminate bias or provide helpful feedback.

“There have been times in my life when I’ve been the most fit and felt the worst about myself, and there have been times when I’ve been so super curvy and absolutely loved myself,” says Rajdulari Landell, Zumba instructor with her own organization, Black Girl Fit Club, and jazz singer. “My goal has been to bring more joy to myself, and the way I have approached my health journey–because it wasn’t a weight-loss journey, it was a health journey–is, ‘How do I feel envision -you.org 27

“

We are trained from a very young age to equate beauty with success, and that people in bigger bodies are lazy or stupid.

”

better in my skin? How do I have more comfort when a meaningful way. Exercise releases endorphins, I’m on stage? How do I increase my endurance and serotonin, and other feel-good hormones into our do the things I want to do do live my fabulous life?’” body that often improve the quality of our mood and As a curvy woman, Landell has faced similar energy long after the workout, so commit to showing discrimination in the doctor’s office, including up for the sake of self-care and simply feeling more additional marginalization as a Black woman. After alert, motivated, and joyful. The abs will come later.” asking a doctor to remove her lap band surgery and being met with resistance over the fact that she would gain weight back, not support for her current situation, she became determined to embark on a health journey on her own terms.

“Not withstanding, the fact that doctors themselves need more sensitivity training, period, and more education around diversity, period, this current time is just illuminating so many areas of our healthcare system where there is judgment, discrimination, and dismissal, and the really harmful side effects of doctors not listening to and supporting their patients,” she added.

Similarly, danger can come when a fitness journey is prompted by a band self-image and a desire to lose weight at any costs, rather than a positive desire to move more and feel better.

“Oftentimes, a negative self-image makes a person act against their own self-interests and embark on a journey of impatience that results in rapid weight loss—which often concludes with the person back at their original weight, sometimes heavier than when they started,” explains Zachari Breeding, MS, RDN, LDN, FAND. “Research shows this can cause havoc on the heart, blood sugar regulation, and the body’s metabolism. Another word for this is ‘yo-yo dieting.’

Tying one’s sense of worth and achievement to this number separates the person mentally from this entire experience, which never brings the fulfillment required to create sustainable change. When people rely on a number to bring them happiness and joy, they inevitably set themselves up for failure and disappointment.”

Health journeys should be beautiful things, full of selfcare, self-love, joyful movement, and reflection on lifestyle choices and mental health, not mad dashes toward a number on the scale at all costs. But society still puts the focus on the numbers rather than doing the actual work. Mindful health professionals want to make sure it’s known that it doesn't have to be that way.

While the constant cycling of hardcore diet and “Focus less on how you want to look and more on excercise in response to society’s stigmas does not how you want to feel,” suggests Andrew Fraser, gym work, there is a reason why it continues. According director for Movement Climbing and Fitness. “It to Carrie Howard, LCSW, an eating disorder expert, can be easy to get discouraged when striving for the money in the diet industry keeps people spinning seemingly impossible fitness standards broadcast their wheels. into all corners of the media we consume, so ditch “The diet industry is a multi-billion-dollar industry the comparison game, and take inventory of how with a 98 percent or so failure rate,” she says. “It good you feel when you simply move your body in just preys on the vulnerabilities of people who are 2 8 QUEERING MENTAL HEALTH 2 0 2 1

desperate to feel better about their bodies. We are trained from a very young age to equate beauty with success, and that people in bigger bodies are lazy or stupid. Until these stigmas change, the diet industry will continue to prey on those who are desperate for change.”

So, next time you go to the doctor and dread getting on that scale, or start engaging in negative self-talk, remember that these stigmas and biases are real, and that a health journey starts with loving your body and wanting to move it more and treat it better, not a selfloathing and desire to change at all costs.

envision -you.org 29

Growing Up with Mental Health Management

by Keegan Williams

I

’ve grappled with mental health issues as long as I can remember. I’ve always connected this to some degree with my personality being emotional and intense to begin with; I remember as a child, I was always very in touch with my feelings, often cited as a ‘sensitive’ kid.

By the time I was 12, my innate, intense feelings veered more erratic and chaotic. While I was growing into my adolescent self and experiencing what any given preteen might experience—the highs and lows of finding social footing, changing bodies and brain chemistry, starting to view myself and my peers in a new way—I noticed that I had a lot more trouble getting through seemingly simple obstacles than other people.

3 0 QUEERING MENTAL HEALTH 2 0 2 1

Everything started to feel so heavy and so intense.

Around this time, I first saw a counselor. I don’t know if I even quite put two-and-two together, that I was seeing this person because I was just having trouble coping with life in general, on top of everything else a young person grapples with.

dulled me down and made it harder to move through my life (though, a good amount of that was very well due to my excessive drinking).

I’m very lucky that I have a very evenkeeled relationship with my brain today. I understand that day-to-day, I have varying levels of mania to manage and have to remind myself to slow down a bit. Just because I don’t take medication or drink anymore obviously doesn’t mean that my mental health struggles vanished. In fact, it has forced me to be that much more conscious about what I can do in a A specific memory at the age of 15, I was so anxious progressive capacity to deal with those things as they and scared of going to do some practice driving happen. with an instructor to meet my driver’s license Now coming to the other side of a year-plus of requirements; I was crying in my bed, pleading to my COVID, I think of that teenager who could barely will mother to not force me to do it. I had no idea why I themself to get out of bed to drive with an instructor was so scared even in the moment, but I was. It felt for two hours on a Saturday, versus how much I impossible. My mom was practically begging me. I felt pushed myself through the last year. Having the selfhorrible for letting her down. I could see that she was awareness to name a feeling or a problem in my brain at a loss, and as much as I wanted to turn around the or my circumstances, and finally having a productive day, jump into my clothes, and fulfill my scheduled toolbelt (i.e. yoga, breathing, exercise, journaling, appointment, instead I stayed in my bed crying as my among many other things) to process and properly mother, resigned and tired, exited my room. deal with my brain, especially during tumultuous What followed during my later teen years and 20s times, the relief is unfathomable.

A few years later, I was officially diagnosed with bipolar II, a diagnosis I share with my father, and began taking medication which I continued for a good 10 years. I felt a lot of shame about it, that something in my head was making it challenging to just wake up and go about my day normally, that I had a daily pill box as a teenager I need to tend to.

was my chapter of active alcoholism. I often cited my alcohol use as self medication at the time, which is ironic, because I was already medicated, should not have been drinking in excess on the medication to begin with, and consistently exasperated my mental health struggles with booze over making any improvements.

This isn’t to say I don’t have work to do. I try to be honest with myself, when I notice behavior or coping that does not mesh with how I would like to approach my problems. I don’t expect perfection from myself, but I do try to be productive with any misstep, understanding that while I have grown exponentially, there is always more growing to do.

I don’t know that I was able to really re-evaluate my relationship with my adult brain and mental illness until 2018, when I weened myself off of my medication and soon after quit drinking. It was the first time I was forced to sit in my own head, exactly as it is. While I absolutely advocate for medication when people need it, I always felt after my specific cocktail of pills

Mental health is an ongoing, chaotic, often devastating AND rewarding conversation we build upon with each new challenge. While thinking back to harder times can bring up complex feelings, I take solace and pride understanding just how important those hard moments are in many of our lives to move forward in even the most unprecedented circumstances. envision -you.org 31

Prove You're Trans The Arduous Path to Gender-Affirming Care

by Ray Manzari

I

didn’t know I was trans from an early age. I didn’t “always feel wrong in my own body.” These are narratives often forced on the trans and nonbinary community when seeking medical care for their dysphoria. Though we’ve come a long way, there is still a startling amount of gatekeeping when it comes to gender-affirming healthcare.

I believe a large part of this stems from the ways in which trans people are represented in the media. Over and over, I’ve seen the same portrayal of the young AMAB (assigned male at birth) wearing their mother’s makeup in secret at an incredibly early age, always to be rejected by their family later, always to be met with tragedy. This is one trans story, not the only trans story.

I remember having to get a letter of recommendation from a gender therapist both for HRT and for top surgery. I remember this well because these things only happened in the last year or so. While I don’t think having someone diagnose patients with gender dysphoria before they can receive gender-affirming care is necessarily a bad thing, I do think we need to broaden our definition of what gender dysphoria can look like.

Being trans doesn’t always mean being insecure in the gender you were assigned at birth, nor does it mean always feeling at home in the gender you identify as.

3 2 QUEERING MENTAL HEALTH 2 0 2 1

I’ve met trans women who are tomboys, and trans men who are proud of the title “Mom.” Trans people are not a monolith, and thus don’t experience dysphoria in the same way. Yet, we are forced to fit into the prescribed category of transness and meet expectations for what that should look like.

I’m a lot more comfortable in my body than I would have my gender therapist believe. And as a trans man, I’m more confident in my femininity than I’d like to let on. When I was able to meet with my gender therapist in person, I would intentionally “masc up” my appearance. I’d lose my jewelry and nail polish, wear only jeans and baggy tops. As trans people, there is more pressure to fit into gender stereotypes than our cis peers.

And therein lies the problem. In order for me to receive gender-affirming care, I knew I had to answer certain questions in certain ways. I knew I had to play the part.

I knew this because my gender therapist, who’s a trans woman, flat-out told me so.

So, as we crafted my letters of recommendation; I over-exaggerated my tomboy-ish ways throughout my childhood, glossing over Halloween costumes, or fashion choices which would be deemed “too girly” for a trans boy (like the year in elementary school when I would only wear pink). We played up my mental health

issues, citing my suicide attempt, which had nothing patient can provide proof that it is medically necessary, to do with my gender identity, as a reason why gender- most insurance companies won’t cover a “regular affirming healthcare was critical for me. reduction.”

Too often, trans people are expected to use their history and their childhood as undeniable “proof ” of our transness. In reality, some of us never thought about our gender as children. Whether we didn’t know switching sides was even an option, or if our trauma left us so numb to our own bodies, we had no idea there was anything wrong. In my case, both were true.

I identified confidently and securely as a woman for the first 23 years of my life. And if I didn’t already have a date for top surgery scheduled, I would never feel confident enough to publish that in writing. When I told my family that I wanted surgery, some of them felt the need to remind me this would be permanent.

The hoops I had to jump through, both socially and medically, would have never been necessary were I still identifying as cis.

A cis woman can elect to get a breast reduction without meeting the standards set by WPATH, without having to convince family members that she won’t regret it later, without a therapist using her mental health history as evidence that she qualifies for surgery. Some will argue that the difference is insurance; unless a

However, with or without insurance, the trans community is still expected to “prove” their transness if they wish to receive gender-affirming care. I can think of no other circumstance where this would apply.

Imagine having to provide evidence of your clinical depression, or your diabetes, before being allowed to access lifesaving care. This is the norm for trans people.

And it isn’t any better in the social sphere. In 2021, if a cishet man wants to wear nail polish, or a skirt even, most people won’t bat an eye. But if a trans man wants to express his femininity, he better watch who he does so around, or he’ll risk being misgendered, or accused of being confused. Why, as we begin shattering gender norms for cis people, are those same norms being pushed upon the trans community, the very people inspiring you to rethink gender in the first place?

To my trans siblings, never stop being true to who you are, and never let anyone tell you what that should look like. Unless of course, you’re looking for genderaffirming care.

ADDICTION TREATMENT Responsive to LGBTQ+ Throughout Recovery

Call us today at 970.432.8075

harmonyfoundationinc.com envision -you.org 33

Mental Health

DAZE

by Rick Kitzman

I SHOULD BE DEAD. I’ve survived an ocean wave out to drown me, antiqueer thugs, a harrowing, six-hour drive through a blizzard, melanoma (so far), a variety of –ectomies, and decades of AIDS. After we take our first breath, death haunts us while spreading before us a smorgasbord of opportunities to appreciate life.

When I was a director of human resources, employees would sometimes use their PTO benefit as a “mental health day” to relax, regroup, regain sanity. I could have used a mental health decade, roughly ‘85 to ‘95, when the AIDS pandemic devastated the world. Unbelievable tragedy left me in a daze. I came through that emotionally dark period of grief with the wonderful help of loving friends. Terrific counselors facilitated dropin groups sponsored by the Colorado AIDS Project (when they were on 16th and Sherman) and Rocky Mountain CARES (now Vivent Health).

Years later, I was my usual gregarious, good-time guy, but slowly, a gray shadow seemed to follow

me. It felt like a dull, thick ache pressing all around me with a palpable weight. A non-specific failure pervaded the air.

For the first time, I considered therapy, but I had to overcome two judgments. First, people who need therapy, who need help, are weak. My parents taught me to be self-sufficient, to never rely on anyone but myself. If I did not succeed at something, I had no excuse, and my internal critic poked me mercilessly: “You’re a white, collegeeducated, healthy, smart, able-bodied male. You’ve never been abused, and you’re OK-looking. YOU have no excuse for failing.”

Secondly, in college I minored in psychology, but after my first class I thought, “You people are all crazy.” So, why would I ask for help from people crazier than I was? (I changed my minor to theatre, a department just as crazy, but where we were “acting” crazy. Plus, we got to sing and dance and dress up.)

I worked through my prejudices, engaged a therapist, and lucked out. The first doctor I met was a perfect fit: Dr. Cameron Gridley.

After about 10 months, lots of tears, and soul searching, turns out what I was feeling was grief. In retrospect, it seems so obvious, so simple.

3 4 QUEERING MENTAL HEALTH 2 0 2 1

BUT WHY GRIEF AGAIN? That depressing decade I mentioned, ’85 to ’95? I wasn’t dying, so I figured if I’m going to live, I might as well do something to make me happy, so I did, and I was. For a while. In those 10 years, I lost a dozen close friends, collectively representing more than 150 years of friendships, some that had lasted decades. I felt guilty for living. I began forgetting names and faces, and that frightened me because I didn’t want to forget them.

You would have thought I’d have recognized the daze of grief from before. While I had dealt with it to the best of my ability, this go-around addressed the depth of that grief which I didn’t think I could bear. Dr. Gridley helped me bring it to the surface so I could bear it, only to release it. That’s when I started my “List of the Dead,” a simple, pen-andpaper memorial.

Unfortunately, I have continued adding to it, most recently in 2018 when a friend from junior high died, and then 2019 when her sister died, Nancy and Linda Berger. Linda and I had known each other since Vikan Junior High. We had re-established contact, laughing and looking forward to getting together when tragedy struck from a freak auto accident.

I became aware of a website: fallenbulldogs.com. A Brighton High alumnus has created a database with pictures and information of students who have died in every class since 1905. Bulldogs are the school’s mascot. I sadly sent him the sisters’ information.

Margiot.” Across from her senior yearbook photo was one of a pretty woman with long, blond hair. I hope she was happy. I hope she was loved.

During my own three year stint at BHS, I was reminded of Lenny Steinbach who died on the baseball diamond during a game in 1970; of Cindy Mumford, who was shot in a tragic argument in 1972 at the Tomahawk Truck Stop; of Mitch McCown, my dearest friend who came out of the closet with me in college; of classmates from my class of ’71. And yes, this is the year of my 50th high school reunion. Fifty!

I’ve lived a longish life which could end going to the grocery store. Who knows how many deadly mishaps I’ve sidestepped, so I’m grateful for every day. I try to be loving, do no harm, live with an open heart, know everyone wears the face of God and when to make a stand, and above all, have a sense of humor. ‘Cause the world is crazy, man …

Last year, our nation experienced a trifecta of disturbing events: the pandemic, the resulting economic disaster, and the American presidential election. We began this year with an unprecedented assault on American democracy.

With so much fear, imagine the mental health daze our country is in.

When I needed them, I had options: friends, support groups, access to therapy and money to afford it. If only every citizen had the same privileges …

Paging through 1968, I came across a former classmate who was born in ‘50, died in ’98. No cause listed, just a note: “name changed to Des Rae's

envision -you.org 35

Out of the Shadows

and Into the Sunlight LIFE AFTER COVID

by Addison Herron-Wheeler

D

uring COVID, I had a lot of time to think, as we all did, and one thing that caught my attention was the shifting of the world from an extrovert’s playground to an introvert’s dream. Let me explain.

drums and the people; I think people are going to flip their lids,” explains Hayley Cain of pop-punk band Hayley and the Crushers.

While her description of people and sound all around might be enough to drive an introvert back into a hole, it sums up perfectly what all the extroverts are waiting for. She also explains that, while she is skeptical of getting too excited about reopening, lest the other shoe drop, she can’t wait for the magic that happens when she is about to perform.

Pre-COVID, introverts were seen as lazy, flaky, unsupportive, and anti-social, shunned at every turn for not being out and about in society. During COVID, despite the horror and trauma we all witnessed, staying home on a Saturday night with Netflix and a cat was suddenly the cool way to be, and showing up “I know that it’s silly, but there’s that moment before in person was the anti-social behavior.

I go on stage in the van—it’s like a Zen moment. I put Of course, that is not to say that every, single extrovert on my go-go boots and listen to a podcast or some was happy during COVID and doesn’t want to rejoin music that pumps me up, and it almost feels like society—we all miss live music and the option to becoming a superhero or stepping out of your own just go eat in a restaurant or visit a friend without reality into a new reality, which is the best reason to having to weigh it as an ethical dilemma. And not all be in a band. You get to create your own world, and extroverts shrank in sadness, just waiting for society I haven’t felt like I’ve been able to really create that to open back up. But I was interested in how these world for myself for a while now.” patterns played out, so I asked folks from all walks Stu Osborne, a Denver drag photographer, had of life, introverts and extroverts alike, how they feel a similar experience when he was first forced to things have changed, and what it will look like when isolate for days and weeks in his mountain home they rejoin the world. outside Castle Rock, instead of treating it as a resort

“I feel like when concerts start up again, people are from the hustle and bustle. just going to, like, orgasm while they are watching “I was in a fetal position for, like, a month, just curled because of the music all around, the bass and the up, and depression set in,” he explains. “I got involved 3 6 QUEERING MENTAL HEALTH 2 0 2 1

in some substance abuse issues, things I would have money than they did before, who are trying to figure never expected myself to do, because all my social out losing jobs or medical bills. We’ve had kids who went home and came back, and they might be totally contact had pretty much fallen off.” different kids. It’s more dramatic for children.”

Scared by all the injustice in the world, Osborne started donating to all the trans artists he knew to Across the board, it seems that we all wish to rejoin help support them, giving back the way he could at society to some degree, but that new anxieties about the time. He also refocused his efforts. Instead of the world are popping up as well. While this may have going to every, single drag show to party, hang out, been the norm for certain folks with social anxiety and get validation through photo work, he wants to since pre-pandemic times, for others, it is entirely new. focus on a few big, and very meaningful, projects.

“I’ve got some big plans, and I just can’t wait. I feel “Anxiety and depression are on the rise, as we’ve like I’m not substituting happiness for work; I’m seen,” says Bronwyn Hockersmith, owner of actually planning on doing more shoots and more Boost Counseling & Consulting. “The American Psychological Association came out with new data intentional work.” saying the numbers have basically quadrupled since In addition to highlighting racial and economic pre-pandemic. The brain is very survival-based, and injustice, the pandemic has also pulled back the the brain is wired anxious, so we’re seeing people curtain on just how bad things are for some kids operate more in their limbic brain, which is the lowest in the education system, and for the underpaid part of the brain; people call it the reptilian brain. It’s teachers who work with them. Madi, a teacher’s aid more the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses. You’re who wished to remain semi-anonymous, works with finding folks responding very differently, but it’s special-needs children and has seen some disturbing coming from the same place.” changes that happened to her kids during the time It’s no news flash that everyone is dealing with postwhen they were all in isolation. pandemic anxiety differently, but it does help to put “Some kids ended up getting removed from foster families, or their dad or mom got COVID, or grandma or grandpa,” she says. “Some of them are no longer with the primary caregiver they were with before COVID. We have families who have less

into perspective that we are not returning to the same place we left behind in March 2020, and we all feel it. Hopefully, we are starting something better, with more considerations to those who can’t be all extrovert, all the time.

envision -you.org 37

MENTAL HEALTH RESOURCES AURORA MENTAL HEALTH CENTER

MARIA DROSTE COUNSELING CENTER

CHRISTINA OSBORNE, MA, LPCC

MENTAL HEALTH CENTER OF DENVER

303-617-2300 aumhc.org At Aurora Mental Health, telehealth is here to stay. Life is difficult, and now you can get the care you need where it’s most convenient.

We’re here to help.

303-335-9920 christinaosbornecounseling.com The most radical thing you can do is love yourself when everyone tells you that you shouldn’t. That is my guiding mantra for my therapy work and for life. I help clients discover unwavering self-love and self-trust and build willingness to be authentically themselves — even when they are “too big” and “too much.” I specialize in queerand neurodivergent-affirming online counseling for trauma, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and other behavioral addictions.

303-867-4600 mariadroste.org Mental Health Regardless of Wealth. Counseling sessions offered on a sliding scale that fits your budget. We also accept Medicare and Medicaid.

303-504-6500 youatyourbest.com YOU@YourBest is a confidential, online platform with evidencebased resources from clinical experts at the Mental Health Center of Denver.

QUEER ASTERISK

COLORADO CRISIS SERVICES

720-507-6161 queerasterisk.com Queer Asterisk is a Colorado 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization that provides affirming counseling services; facilitates innovative, educational trainings; and create engaging community programs.

We offer counseling to individuals of all ages and families of all configurations. At this time, counseling sessions take place virtually. We are currently accepting new clients and bill most major insurance plans, including Medicaid and Medicare.

DENVER ELEMENT

SOUND RELIEF HEARING CENTER

844-493-8255 coloradocrisisservices.org We’re always here to help. Whatever you’re going through, we’ll always be here to support you, 24/7/365.

720-382-5900 denverelement.org The Denver Element provides culturally relevant behavioral health care, and we take Medicaid, offer sliding scale fees, and are a Ryan White provider.

DIVERSUS HEALTH

719-572-6100 diversushealth.org Highlands Behavioral offers inclusive care for individuals struggling with mental wellness and addiction. We offer no-cost evaluations 24/7.

720-259-9962 soundrelief.com Dr. Julie and her team specialize in treating tinnitus and sound sensitivity. Get the help you need and the relief you deserve.

STRIDE COMMUNITY HEALTH CENTER

303-360-6276 stridechc.org STRIDE Community Health Center provides excellent, culturally sensitive, affordable medical, behavioral, and dental health services for all.

WINDHORSE COMMUNITY SERVICES HARMONY FOUNDATION, INC.

970-432-8075 harmonyfoudationinc.com Harmony Foundation is a nonprofit alcohol and drug addiction recovery program serving clients in a collaborative and respectful treatment environment. Harmony is one of the longest-running and most successful addiction treatment centers in the world. Harmony promotes physical, emotional, and spiritual healing, empowering clients to embark upon a lifelong journey of recovery.

HIGHLANDS BEHAVIORAL HEALTH

720-348-2800 highlandsbhs.com Highlands Behavioral offers inclusive care for individuals struggling with mental wellness and addiction. We offer no-cost evaluations 24/7.

iQu STRATERGIES

720-524-7100 iqustrategies.com iQu is a public engagement firm supporting principally health, science, and technology-based clients at the intersection of community, business and government.

3 8 QUEERING MENTAL HEALTH 2 0 2 1

303-786-9314 windhorsecommunityservices.com Dedicated to mindfulness-based approaches to mental health recovery, creating compassionate, individually tailored, home based healing environments since 1981.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES Denver Springs 720-643-4300 //denversprings.com Jill Altieri, LCSW // Evolve Counseling & Wellness, LLC evolvecounseling.org Khesed Wellness 720-575-9889 // khesedwellness.com Magnolia Medical 303-209-5115 // magnoliamed.com PhoenixRise 303-807-3300 // phoenix-rise.com Safehouse Progressive Alliance for Nonviolence 303-444-2424 // safehousealliance.org Tennyson Center for Children 720-855-3314 // tennysoncenter.org

4 0 QUEERING MENTAL HEALTH 2 0 2 1