My Boomer Mother's Questions About Trans Identity

My mom has the best intentions; she is progressive and empathetic. But she has trouble talking with her transgender coworker about his life. As her seasoned GSA-attending bisexual daughter, we collaborated to answer her questions about transgender identities.

As I understand it, gender identity is what gender a person 'identifies' as. What does that mean?

Gender identity is the way a person feels internally about their gender. Gender categories are what we socially construct to be masculine and feminine. People fall somewhere in this spectrum, but cultures build roles around specific genders.

Is there a term to describe a person who identifies as the opposite gender [than assigned at birth]?

“Transgender” describes people who don’t identify with their gender assigned at birth. Biological gender isn’t always indicative of how a person will be socialized. Intersex folks find themselves raised as a different gender than what their mind tells them because a doctor was confused by the shape of their genitalia. Folks have used transsexual and transvestite in the past, but “transgender,” or trans for short, is inclusive and less generalizing of trans experiences.

What is cis[gender]?

Much like trans folks feel their gender, cisgender-identifying individuals feel at their core their gender assigned at birth is correct. My mom said the following about her cisgender experience: “I mean, I feel like myself. I guess I identify as a female, likely in large part that's because I've been regarded as one.”

What is nonbinary? Or binary, for that matter.

Nonbinary folks are a subset of trans individuals who don’t see their gender falling in either masculine or feminine categories. The binary between men and women causes dysphoria in nonbinary folks because they never fully identify as either a man or woman. Nonbinary, genderfluid, agender, and demigender folks may identify more with one gender temporarily, but their nonbinary status doesn’t disappear.

If it doesn't have to do with which gender I'm attracted to, what would feel different if I identified as a male?

You would have felt uncomfortable in your body at first. From the experiences I’ve heard, gender dysphoria involves disliking gendered parts of your body and fascination with the opposite gender’s presentation. Some trans folks call themselves gay at first when their understanding of gender and sexuality are intwined. This isn’t always the case.

Do all the different possibilities of sexuality depend on which gender a person identifies as?

Similar to gender identity, sexual identity isn’t just biologically determined. My mom grew up knowing only gay and straight. Like gender, we now understand sexuality can be fluid. Traditionally, if my mom came out as a trans man who liked women, he would be considered straight. But my trans dad’s sexuality could evolve. It’s ultimately up to him.

Why include she/her in a bio? Wouldn't just female do?

Since the gender binary can often feel restrictive for trans folks who struggle to adhere to a specific gender, “male” and “female” are less commonly used. Including pronouns is an upfront way to communicate how you want people to address you. Rather than having to guess (which can come across as transphobic), visible pronouns simplify interactions. Even if you are cisgender, including pronouns is an example of trans allyship.

What does they/them indicate about a person's gender identity?

They/them are a set of pronouns used by nonbinary folks. It’s common for “they” to describe one person; think about the singular “they” in Spanish. People also use ze/zir and Mx. to indicate gender-nonconforming pronouns.

What is a terf?

T.E.R.F. stands for trans-exclusionary, radical feminist. A minority of feminist, thesecisgender women use feminism to stop those they perceive to be men dressed as women from invading female spaces. It’s similar to how some secondwave feminists didn’t include women of colors’ perspectives in their highpriority campaigns. It’s another form of transphobia.

I know lots of gay men who are very effeminate, and gay women who are very butch. Does that necessarily mean that they identify as the opposite of their biological gender?

This does not mean they are trans. Gender bending is a way the LGBTQ community asserts control in marginalizing societies. It’s a uniform for subgroups like butch lesbians (look at my mom using the right word) and femme gay men. It reflects how they interact with others but is more related to gender expression than gender identity.

Is a cross-dresser (say, RuPaul) always a person who identifies as the gender in which they dress?

Speaking of transphobia, drag performances aren’t automatically indicators of trans identity. Trans folks often use cross-dressing as a gateway into their identity, but drag performers aren’t all trans. There’s a long history of men dressing excessively feminine and performing. But, changing how you perform your gender doesn’t necessarily change your identity.

RuPaul is a cisgender, gay man with a famous drag queen persona. He got in trouble for negative comments he made about trans women performing on RuPaul’s Drag Race in 2018 because he saw their efforts to transition genders as cheating on a show of men dressed as women. Looking like a woman and feeling like a woman are different.

If a biological female who identifies as a male wants me to know, am I expected to treat them differently, other than using their preferred pronouns?

That depends on the person. Trans folks can feel validated when people treat them as their preferred gender. However, their background and personality doesn’t change. “Passing” as a new gender isn’t the goal for many trans folks. They just want to be themselves. Rather than structuring your behavior around your understanding of their gender, respond to how they ask others to treat them. Ultimately, be kind. When in doubt, gently ask, and let them answer on their own time.