Renewed Pride

by Amelia Torrevillas Brown

During my sophomore year of high school, I found an expression of love through painting, along with a desire for connection to individuals so distant in time and location. I challenged the isolation brought upon growing up in Oklahoma, and as I progressed onto these artistic projects, I revived insecurities about my cultural identity

I warded off these weary feelings by incorporating sentimental themes of my Asian heritage into my paintings My Filipino American childhood experiences were shaped by my angered mentality of living in Oklahoma. After all, I was furthest from my mother’s family, and all attempts at finding a Filipino community to learn and thrive from were diminished

In result of this cultural absence, I returned to photo albums of my Filipino ancestors. Reading through these pages, I saw myself regretting things, like never visiting my late Lola in the Philippines at an age that I could remember.

As I flipped through this extensive documentation of my mother’s past, I felt a longing to travel in time, wanting to see what it’d be like to physically be with them. I projected how I felt to my mother, as her eyes glossed with reflection on the twenty eight years without her family by her side. I watched her sink into a heartbreaking abyss of memories, and I instantly understood her feelings of loneliness in Oklahoma. Within this acknowledgment of my mother’s vulnerability was a drive to hone a symbol of her Filipino home A drive for me to dismantle my own perceptions of what it truly meant to live so far from the 50% of who I am.

I brought this determination to fruition when I was presented with an opportunity: a new class project that was “freestyle.” No prompts or rules, a completely independent creation, and with that, I found a route to reconnecting with both my Lola's and my mother’s past. I made a blueprint for an oil painting filled with burnt umber, sienna, ochre, phthalo green, and dark phthalo blue to pair with a beautiful photograph of my cheerful Lola. After gathering these materials, I got to work sketching and carefully planning, fearing that one small mistake would curse my painting. Although time felt nonexistent, I completed the portrait quickly, but before I could gift it, I realized the impact this piece had on me. It was as if Lola's presence was there, cheering on the grandchild she would never see past the age of eight while simultaneously being brought to life permanently on my mother’s wall.

On my mother’s birthday, I placed the delicate portrait in the family room. Tightly embracing me, my mother’s hug symbolized a sense of love for a heritage she longed to embed into our family ever since she arrived in Oklahoma in 1994.

Such representation of my American experiences offered a reflection into who I descend from, connecting a passion for art and a desire for a stronger cultural identity. It formulated dreams that one day, my experiences of growing up in Oklahoma would ease the cultural dysphoria that seeped my mind and would influence how I defined myself as the future of my heritage.

As I reconcile my cultural insecurities, I am reminded of how necessary vulnerability and empathy are when reflecting upon my childhood and my mother. My time with my Lola was short and consisted of phone calls that I now wish could last ages, and letters every month begging my mother to visit her homeland. Yet, I have found growth through these memories and the beauty of my mother’s strength I no longer exhibit disdain for my mother choosing to raise a family in Oklahoma; I have found perseverance from painting my Lola. This project rekindled memories of what an apo is to be: a permanent bridge between generations of love for a legacy, and pride of a culture I am no longer secluded from but finally the closest I've ever felt