In between places

Life seems full of ‘in-between’ places, threshold moments, (sometimes called liminal spaces) that shift us out of where we were, what we were doing and what we thought we were going to be doing. “I am writing to see if you are interested/able to create an article for a forthcoming online publication of Otway Journal?” That’s how this article got started - a message from a friend that I hadn’t spoken to for some time, bringing memories of a place that I loved living in, until life led me to other places.

Change is inevitable and nothing stays the same. Yet human beings seem destined to connect and attach to other people, things and places, while knowing that these connections change or end. In an effort to minimise the amount of daily change we have to face, we build routines and create parts of our lives that seemingly stay the same. Consider the way we wake up each day, get out of bed, move through the space we live in and engage in activities that are part of our routine – exercises, making tea or coffee, connecting to other people in our home, opening the curtains, checking our phones? We each, individually, create these routines, based on our own sense of what is needed to help us begin our day and keep connected to the people and things that are important to us. Our morning routine helps us navigate the ‘in-between’ space that exists between sleep and the activities of daily life. These everyday routines are our own creative response to the uncertainty of the ‘inbetween’ spaces in life. Creativity is not just for artists and craftspeople! It seems that creativity itself is born in these ‘in-between’ spaces of life. Sometimes we plan to change things and deliberately put our daily routines on pause, giving ourselves space to be creative. Sometimes life and the world around us, puts our daily routines or even life, on pause and we are called to be creative in the way we manage our changed circumstances. Either way, life is full of opportunities to bring something new into existence every time change happens. This year, the whole world has shifted into an unexpected and extended ‘in-between’ space with daily routines shifted, changed and unsettled by the effects of COVID-19. Many lives have been put on pause and this has opened a space for a creative response to what has changed. This is not to suggest that change is always good or comfortable because with every change there will be some level of grief and no two people experience change or loss in the same way. Grief is another feature of the ‘in-between’. Sometimes our grief is obvious and sometimes our grief is so subtle that we don’t immediately recognise it and yet it is there and will find ways to show itself and guide us if we are willing to take notice.

Our human drive to connect and attach to what we love and know opens us to the grief that comes with change. Anxiety, fear, relief, yearning and confusion are just some of the emotions that are a part of grief and yet love, joy, hope and gratitude are also part of grief. While grief is often a very uncomfortable experience, it also calls us to recognise the importance of what once was and in many ways, still is significant. Grief points us towards noticing what has been most significant, loved and needed in our lives. The feelings of grief call us to slow down, reflect and give time and space to address the change or loss that has happened. Grief invites us into an ‘in-between’ space that creates the possibility of a different present and future by bringing a focus to the things in life that have been important to us. Kahlil Gibran, captures this beautifully when he suggests that “When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” By looking into our hearts, grief can invite us to distil the essence of what is important from our past, blend it with our current circumstances and allow us to move into the future where we take our experiences and connections with us, rather than leaving them behind. This distillation process requires time, space and the ability to spend time ‘in-between’ our past and future, a threshold space that is full of hope and potential and yet also full of doubts and uncertainty. The liminal space of grief can be a very uncomfortable place and in order to dwell there and open ourselves to creating a different life, we need anchor points and ways to feel safe enough. Anchor points allow us to see that we don’t have to let go of everything. Even when life thrusts us into the unknown, we can still take notice of the things that haven’t changed while also accepting and adjusting to what has changed. I like to call these anchor points ‘little pools of normal that you can dip your toe into’. One of the useful anchor points is to simply notice our breath - notice the air coming in through our mouths and noses, travelling into our body, expanding our abdomen and chest slightly, before rising back up through our bodies and back out into the world through our nose and mouth. This cycle is there with us all day every day and it can anchor us as we navigate times of change. As I bring this article to a close I’d like to invite you to consider the anchor points in your life that allow you to spend time ‘in-between’ and at times of grief. Is it the smell of your morning coffee? Noticing the cool breeze on your face at the end of a warm day? Walking in a forest and noticing the smell of the bush? Looking into the eyes of a loved one? Remembering a moment of feeling calm? Perhaps it is just pausing where you are right now and noticing what you feel grateful for? Maybe it is realising what is most important to you in life? Greg Roberts is a Social Worker and Counsellor who specialises in the field of grief, loss and bereavement. Greg and his family lived in Barwon Downs for a few years and he counts that time as one of the happiest in his life.