Media Muse

I’m 76 and I’m upside down under a desk looking for the ont. Leastways, that’s what I think he called it.

“Look for the first teleport on the ont,” is what I’m sure he’d said.

“The ont?”

“Yes, the ont. It’s attached to the wall next to the jackpoint.”

Sure enough, I could see a white box that looked like a modem with Chorus written on it and with a stubby aerial pointing downwards.

“Do you mean the modem?”

“No, no, no. The ont.” He was starting to get terse.

Although I am 76 and physically as flexible as a stonechip bench top, I am reasonably tech savvy. Always have been. Learned to drive on a tractor (Massey Ferguson) and could doubledeclutch from the age of seven. Shifting down smoothly through an unsynchronised gearbox held no terror for me.

The advent of the automatic transmission, so significant that some cars used to be proudly badged as “automatic”, was a technological advance equivalent to getting hooked up to fibre broadband and finding out how the internet is supposed to work.

The months’ long struggle to get connected to the fibre-optic cable laid by Filipino peasant labourers across our gateway was coming to an end with me on my back underneath the desk. About half of those months had been spent on the phone to call centres in places you don’t normally hear about until they have earthquakes or riots. On this occasion, after spending 45 minutes on hold — “You are now . . . third . . . in the queue” and 20 minutes later “You are now . . . third . . . in the queue” — I discovered a cunning shortcut. Instead of selecting the “technical help” option in the early multiple choice menu, I chose “sales”. Quick as a flash

By Manakau’s Tom Frewen

there was someone on the line eager to “thank yew for reaching out” and find out how they could “be of service to yew today”. I said: “So sorry, I seem to have pressed the wrong button. I’m looking for technical help”. They said: “No worries. I’ll just pop you through.”

I got popped through to an English-speaking man who grasped the challenge I was facing almost immediately. “You say your internet went down for half an hour and has since come back, but without your landline. Correct?”

Spot on. When we had to relinquish the landline, which we loved, we had to choose between connecting up with the fibre, which could take months; wi-fi from a Vodafone mast about half a kilometre distant but doesn’t work; or using the copper-wire network for a workaround technology called ADSL or VDSL. Being tech savvy these days means keeping up with the jargon. Just as you had to know your distributor from your carburettor and your big end from your differential, it helps in conversations with a call centre or chatbot to know that wi-fi is not the same thing as bluetooth and that VDSL stands for Very Damn Slow, Larry while the sightly cheaper ADSL is still Awfully Damn Slow, Larry.

So damn slow, in fact, that we eventually gave up on Vodafone which, in any case, had our street address down as No 12 when we’re No 11, and we’d got tired of racing out to the gate when a Chorus van arrived and the driver checked his phone then, lacking the wit to get out of his van and come in and ask, drove off. After this happened twice we decided to switch to SKY. The pay-tv company, to which we already subscribed for its TV channels, clearly had a better relationship with Chorus, split from Telecom (now Spark) in 2011 to run the country’s telecommunications infrastructure — the telephone lines and exchanges that are now being replaced with fast broadband via fibre optic cable buried in the ground or through the air from cellphone towers. To keep our landline number we agreed to pay an extra $10 a month for a digitised VOIP (Voice Over Internet Protocol) connection. This had gone AWOL (Away Without Leave) and was what eventually led to me being upside down under the desk looking for the phone port on the ont.

“I can’t see anything that says ‘phone port’,” I told Derek (not his real name, which he had given me, but which I had immediately forgotten due to stress).

“Take a picture of it with your phone and send it to me,” he suggested.

I was already using the phone as a phone. To turn it into a camera, hit the right button and not the one for selfies, then email the picture which is something I can only do with great difficulty on my laptop, is so far beyond my skill level that it would be quicker for me to enrol in an astronaut training programme with a view to becoming the first resident of Manakau to walk on Mars. Eventually, after bunging the plug from the modem into all the ports on the ont that would take it, Derek reluctantly accepted that the fault was not at our end. The customer, if not always right, was on this occasion probably also blameless. Promising to investigate further at his end, Derek said he would get back to us as soon as he had it sorted.

He didn’t. Back on the phone again and using my cunning shortcut of choosing “sales” I was quickly popped through to one of Derek’s technical-help colleagues who, having accessed our file after the usual exchange of passwords, maiden names, inside-leg measurements and pin numbers, said the cause of the fault had been traced back to — wait for it — a work order that had been opened in December and had not been properly closed.

“That’s a relief,” I said, “So, no fault at our end. No technical glitch at your end.”

“But we can’t do anything,” he said, “until we can get that work order closed and that will take at least two days.”

Reader, I nearly cried.

I hadn’t planned on spending half a day on my back underneath a desk looking for an ont which, I later learned from Google is an Optical Network Terminal. Similar to an ONR (Optical Network Router) it converts optic fibre network signals into copper and electric for use by your router. It’s the telephone on the internet.

I would also rather have been watching the cricket on the television. But that would require a subscription to Spark — a telecommunications company that tried to make money out of putting televised sport on the internet, eventually giving up after losing $52 million.

Among the sports available only on Spark were women’s rugby and men’s cricket. The final of the women’s rugby was seen by about a million viewers, but only because Spark allowed it to be screened on a free-to-air channel. As for the Black Caps’ matches against England and Sri Lanka, two of the most thrilling final overs you’d ever be likely to see, were available only in highlights clips on the news.

Every other country ensures that significant sporting events of national importance are on free-to-air television for everyone to see and enjoy. Australia has what they call anti-siphoning legislation, which covers specific events such as international rugby and cricket tests.

New Zealand doesn’t have matching legislation simply because our politicians are too gutless to stand up to their big-business mates in the telecommunications and television companies. But I do now know what an ONT is, although what it actually does is still a mystery.

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Darren Edwards

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Handy folk to know

ŌTAKI Secure Storage

• Secure storage

• long or short-term

• smoke alarms and security cameras

• any size, from garden shed to house-lots

13 & 19 Riverbank Road 0800 364 632 www.otakisecurestorage.co.nz

BIRTHRIGHT

OP SHOP

23 Matene Street, Otaki Monday – Friday 10am – 4pm Saturday 10am – 1pm

Good/Used clothing for sale

Baby clothing $1 Children’s clothing $2 clothing $4 (or as priced)

Cobwebs Op-Shop

Main Street

Tuesday – Friday 10 – 4pm

Currently needing Good-quality men’s clothes and kitchenware

Taki Locksmith

Adult shoes $3 - $5 Lots of bric-a-brac from $1 Assortment of antiques for sale

We are always looking for volunteers to help in our shop –please see the Shop Manager for an application form.

Your trusted local crash repair specialist using the latest up-to-date equipment and technology

•PPG Water Borne Paint System

•(Environmentally Friendly)

•Spray Booth

•3D Measuring System

•Chassis Straightening Machine

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•Rust Repairs

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•Courtesy Cars

•All Insurance/Broker Work

RANCHSLIDER & WINDOW REPAIRS

KEYS cut

RANCHSLIDER: Wheels & Locks - TRACKS REPAIRED

WINDOW: Hinges replaced & new catches fitted

KEYS: cut LOCKS: repaired or new locks fitted

Phone Sam Whitt NOW

021 073 5955

Specialised repair No Travel Charge

Ōtaki Churches welcome you

ANGLICAN

Ōtaki All Saints Church

47 Te Rauparaha Street

Rev. Simon and Rev. Jessica Falconer

Tel: 06 364 7099

Service: Sunday, 10am, Hadfield Hall

For Hadfield Hall bookings, email office@otakianglican.nz

Ōtaki Rangiātea Church

33–37 Te Rauparaha St

Sunday Eucharist: 9am

Church viewing hours, school terms:

Mon–Fri, 9.30am – 1.30pm

Tel: 364 6838

Email: rangiatea.church@xtra.co.nz

Waikanae Whakarongotai Marae

2nd Sunday, 11.30am

Levin Ngatokowaru Marae

4th Sunday, 11am

CATHOLIC Ōtaki St Mary’s ‘Pukekaraka’

4 Convent Road

Fr. Alan Roberts

Tel: 021 0822 8926

Mass Timetable: Tue–Fri: 10am

Sunday: 10am

BAPTIST

Cnr Te Manuao Road/SH1

Tel: 364 8540

Service: 10am

PRESBYTERIAN

249 Mill Rd

Rev. Peter L. Jackson

Tel: 364 6346

Worship: 11am

Cafe Church:

2nd Sunday, 10.45am

Acts Churches The HUB

157 Tasman Rd, Ōtaki

Tel: 364 6911

Family service: 10:15am

Big Wednesday: 10:15am

Otaki

Email: hartleyelectrical@gmail.com

After hours: 06 364 2070

Hartley Electrical Contracting Ltd

Mobile: 021 418 751

Otaki

General electrical contractors for all your electrical requirements

• Preplanning consultations

• Fully qualified staff

Domestic • Commercial Industrial • Farm

General electrical contractors for all your electrical requirements

Domestic • Commercial Industrial • Farm

• Headstones, Plaques & Restoration work

• Personalised, memorable and meaningful services

• Grief support

• Kaitawa Crematorium & Chapel, located in Waikanae Cemetery

Domestic • Commercial Industrial • Farm

Mobile: 021 418 751

Mobile: 021 418 751

After hours: 06 364 2070

After hours: 06 364 2070

Email: hartleyelectrical@gmail.com

Email: hartleyelectrical@gmail.com

General electrical contractors for all your electrical requirements

Otaki www.waikanaefuneralhome.co.nz 04 293 6844 info@wfhome.co.nz

17 Parata Street, Waikanae

Ōtaki Window Cleaning

• Sparkling clean windows, fast!

• Free window-cleaning assistance for superannuants

• No travel fees for Ōtaki jobs