Paper Cloud 2021

PAPER CLOUD FALL 2020/WINTER 2021

Presented by the Pride Center and SOL: LGBTQ+ Multicultural Support Network

Editor’s Note “ With the current state of our world, finding a love and passion in art can work wonders as a release. The vulnerability, emotions, and symbolism that do exist in our creations reach beyond a page in a magazine.

As we start off this new year, we would like to highlight beautiful artwork collaborations from our community. Although a lot of us are working from home, we do our best to stay united as a family virtually. I see this zine as an embodiment of power, creativity, and drive--especially through these difficult times. Not only are each of these artists endlessly inspiring, but they are examples of how strong and talented our community really is.

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The Pride Center and SOL family wish all of you a safe and healthy 2021. We love and care about each and every one of you. Please feel free to contact us at any given moment for ways we can support you. Furthermore, It’s truly a privilege to be able to highlight these artists’ contributions, and we hope you enjoy this beautiful issue.

Kai Warouw Communications Representative Pride Center/SOL: LGBTQ+ Multicultural Support Network

Front Cover by Christine Hoàng Christine Hoàng is a neurodivergent non-binary queer Vietnamese artist and photographer. During the winter of 2019, they took a personal visit to Vietnam partly for their graduate portfolio and the rest to continue a healing process of reconnecting with their Vietnamese culture, history, and language.

“A Vietnamese person walking up the path in Sa Pa, a town in the Hoàng Liên Son Mountains of northwestern Vietnam” 2

Christine Hoàng

“A Vietnamese couple sitting on the My Khê beach in Đà Nang, Vietnam” 3

Juniper Alliston Juniper Alliston is a painter graduating from Oregon State University in 2021 with a Bachelor of Fine Arts in Studio Art and a minor in Art History. She is a two-year recipient of the Helen E. Plinkiewisch Scholarship and has had work exhibited in a solo show on Oregon State University campus titled synthesis as well as group shows on campus under the titles FRAME, Tension, Montage Exhibition, and Core Studio Juried Student Show.

synthesis i

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More recently, she has exhibited work at the Truckenbrod Gallery for the Eyes on Fire exhibit and at Linn Benton Community College for the Plan B exhibit. Though currently living in Corvallis, Oregon, she will move to Portland, Oregon to further develop her practice as a painter before applying to graduate school for a Master of Fine Arts.

synthesis ii

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i would never f*ck you through my phone 6

it’s about time i love myself the way i love others 7

Caden DeLoach also studies Public Health and Queer Studies.

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“ My art is about dirt, queerness, decay, and rebirth. I’m a queer/transgender artist who

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Finn Johnson Finn Johnson (he/him) is a first-year M.A. student in Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies and identifies as queer and trans-masc. Finn obtained his B.A. in Sexuality, Gender, and Queer Studies from Portland State University.

Missed Connection: Buc-ees off I-30

dirt collected on the cuffs of your Wranglers ripped flannel shirt unbuttoned to a glistening chest faded circle back pocket of your jeans from chew you spit in my direction and tip your Stetson grab your Texas sized belt buckle and grin I used to imagine that when I grew up and into myself that I’d look a little bit like you why is it that we are often attracted to mirrors of our selves “psychology is fucked up” you would honestly probably fuck me up painfully aware of the fact that you probably didn’t read me as queer gay cowboys only exist in my dreams I am not about to troll the hellscape that is masc4masc Grindr in Texas maybe I should post a missed connection entitled cowboy take me away

This poem is about longing for queer love and connection in the heart of Texas.

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I can’t taste Crystal hot sauce without thinkin’ of you

I read your poem the other day sweet southern boy watched your live reading with your twang twangin and your drawl drawlin darlin’ took me back to that sticky Louisiana night summer 2013 you and me and a lifetime of differently arranged relationship parameters but that evening amidst the screamin’ junebugs and the fireflies flyin’ you laid down with me in your childhood backyard swampy like mint julep dripping from your lips we explored what it meant to be queer in a quiet place I dripped crystal hot sauce on your chest gumbo boy before this moment we were not men to one another it was unannounced but decided it had been there waiting to bloom like the magnolias in the spring I don’t have many good memories about home but you’ll always be a reason the south is sweet to me

This poem is about coming into queerness and transness and the ability to maintain and create meaningful memories in a place that often suppresses queer love and expression.

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“times are lean, pretty baby” -after Essex Hemphill

our first date I scrounged for quarters to buy a six-pack of PBR and a bag of dino nuggets My bank account was overdrawn I used my fancy culinary degrees to create a plate sizzling with trans fats I even threw in some cheese sticks cut up real nice I was really embarrassed but you acted like we were at a starched white cloth table at a recently reviewed James Beard award restaurant I pulled a chair out for you we drank our beer out of wine glasses I didn’t have a lot to offer but we’re still together seven years later even though times haven’t improved much I know that I can bring you a gas station charcuterie board and say “times are lean, pretty baby” and you’ll smile

This poem was modeled after Essex Hemphill’s poem entitled “Times Are Lean Pretty Baby” 12

CONTENT WARNING: Surgery

Immediate happiness not included

The first day I woke up as a man I said to myself in the mirror You’re gonna do great You’re gonna be a good man Way better than your dad You will be a beautiful man You will not look (too much) like your dad I know there will be a trial period Where you’re learning to love yourself But just remember there is no 30-day return policy DISCLAIMER: Immediate happiness is not included These changes are irreversible And new hairs will grow And a new voice will come You’ll lose your boobs in a scalpel accident You will pay a lot of money for them To be thrown away in a medical waste container

You will be a patient man You will not be like your dad You will learn that growing into a new body Takes a lot of time You will learn that you are not Starting over from scratch You will get mad about your progress You will compare yourself to others You will need to be kind to yourself You will be a strong man You will not be like your dad You will have very bad very awful days You will want to give up You will not You will learn that the best gift You have ever given yourself Is you

You will be a good man You will not be like your dad You will learn to stop muting yourself You will learn that people will love you I mean, really love you For the first time in your life You will learn that strength isn’t about muscles It’s about getting out of bed every morning When every day you will read something bad About people like you

This poem is about the feelings that come with transitioning, and learning to grow into yourself over time.

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Anonymous “ In the present moment, I am an artist in emergence. Leading up to this recent realization, I

was moving like air, swirling with confused thoughts of who I am, heavy with raindrop tears fallen for not yet worked through pains, weaving through thick forests to find a sense of belonging, and gusting with excitement and purpose from having found a group of sisters on similar journeys towards healing and liberation through artistic expression. It is through this open and embracing movement to lean into tension and discomfort that I have been able to find my artistic self. In this journey I am currently documenting my vision of what breaking out of our fear embellished cocoon into a more free light looks like. I hope my messages resonate with you and that our connection can more easily be seen.

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Violet Alignment pictures the search for who I am in my queerness and who I am at my core as I embrace a constant state of change in my being. Who am I when I no longer seem to not be able to align myself by societies terms? Who am I when I begin to let go of former, defensive parts of myself? Who am I in this disconnect between who I am and who I was influenced to think I should be? I struggled and wrestled with these questions, feeling unaligned, ungrounded. But through conversations with myself, in my queer relationships, and in my sister relationships, I’ve come to realize I am a complex individual who is changing and evolving every day. I am not constant, but values are. Knowing those help me find alignment within myself.

Violet Alignment

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Fear and Love

Fear is a potential block to love and to being our full selves. When fear arises in me, I physically feel its presence near my heart, in my chest. They are connected in my body and mind, and in my encounter with fear, I have learned that to access the full potential of love within ourselves and to access my fullest self, I must confront this fear, stare at it, and accept it’s presence while proceeding to live out the love I saw in my mind. Breathing out fear and in love will allow us to breathe out love in our communities even in the perpetual presence of fear. Then we can truly bloom resiliency together.

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Jayashree Black-Lazo “ Hi! I’m Jayashree, I am a 5&1/3 year senior at OSU (haha). I studied Natural Resources.

Black & Grey LOWFASHION dress, high fashion inspired but made from post consumer waste fabric.

Model: Isabel Nunez | Photography: Sarra Hawash

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My ISO is sustainable design and I just love clothes! I am Latinx/white/indigenous. I believe in clothes as self-expression, body liberation, protest and celebration. I’m bi-pan & genderqueer, my pronouns are they/them/theirs. Thanks for looking, my clothes represent all of me. Sulpayki.

Model: Mixtli RodrĂ­guez | Photography: Sarra Hawash

Indigenous Uprising T-Shirt, Touch It But Ask First Pants.

Top made with Shipibo tribal fabric and upcycled fabrics, upcycled hand-painted pants.

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Indigenous Uprising T-Shirt, Touch It But Ask First Pants. Top made with Shipibo tribal fabric and upcycled fabrics, upcycled hand-painted pants.

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Model: Mixtli RodrĂ­guez | Photography: Sarra Hawash

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Model: unknown | Photography: Sarra Hawash | Make Up: Jayashree & Ceph

Bee Dress LOWFASHION close up. All upcycled post consumer waste fabric dress made from scrap materials.

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Model: Indica Stephenson | Photography: Sarra Hawash | Make Up: Jayashree & Ceph

SHREE pant & Pink crop top. Upcycled hand painted pants and top.

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Shaina Khan Shaina Khan is a queer Southern writer and engineer. She is currently pursuing a PhD in Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies and re-learning her love of poetry and drawing.

Her recent work has incorporated references to her family’s Bangali culture.

Bangali Kitchen A poem in the T’ang style smell spice warm stand stir pan fry spoon fan whir knife pot stove hand time jhal sweet bright smile ghor

* jhal is a Bangla word for what white people call “hot” or “spicy.” * ghor is a Bangla word for “house” or “home.”

This poem is written in the modified T’ang style developed by poet June Jordan and her students and described in Jordan’s book Some of Us Did Not Die. According to Jordan, essential elements of T’ang poetry include “fluid interrelationships,” “collective cultural allusion,” and “eminently musical composition.” No pronouns, plural nouns, or multi-syllable words are used. Bangali Kitchen depicts Khan’s childhood memories of family members’ cooking, especially her Nani’s elaborate, careful, and loving methods of preparing food for her children and grandchildren. The lines of the poem can be read either horizontally or vertically.

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April James “

“ I am a small doodler and I make things to make people happy.

Sea girls have the most fun!

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One of the difficult hurdles to overcome for anyone, particularly for those in the LGBTQIA+ community, is self affirmation. This little piece is a self reminder: the goal is to look in the mirror and love that soul reflecting back at you even though it’s really cheesy.

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I made this pop art poster to address multiple topics- self-doubt, intersectionality, and identity.

The intersectionality between Asian and LGBTQIA+ identities is complex and often repressed from discussion. There are conflicts between Asian cultures and LGBTQIA+ identities, which makes the act of solidifying a framework of self identity and belonging very difficult. How do we nourish both aspects of our individuality without sacrificing important values? This piece is meant to initiate at least some introspection, if not larger discussions on these topics.

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Teo Rosales Fertig Teo Rosales Fertig (they/them/theirs) is an actor and artist of Coahuiltecan, Mexican, and European legacies. They grew up in Coahuiltecan and Karankawa territories in so-called South Texas in the Rio Grande Valley.

Their work has been seen in Shakespeare festivals, short film, and television in New York and Texas, and they can currently be found pursuing an MA in Women, Gender and Sexuality Studies from Oregon State University. They live and work on a remote wolf sanctuary in Jicarilla Apache, Cheyenne, and Ute territories in so-called Colorado.

CONTENT WARNING: violence towards BIPOC queer trans 2-spirit persons, missionization.

Ghosts ghosts break open flood the top of the stairs sound like barn owls no like nahuales like brujes they call jotes joyes but without any hint of irony there is no smell of spanish mastiffs no foreboding chuckles or that kind of glint in the eye still present at the gas station the corner store the hardware store no these ghosts know the meaning of homecoming of coming home ghosts at the top of the stairs words soft as the remembering the breaking open without breaking apart

The “ghosts” here are the ancestors and transcestors lost to missionization and colonial comphet violence. The speaker feels the presences of these ghosts and finds comfort in grieving them. There is solidarity in grieving. The “ghosts break[ing] open” refers to a sudden outpouring of the speaker’s queer mixed Indigenous-European consciousness, and a disruption of past/present delineations. The “eyes still present” are the collective gaze of white cishet America, in which the fear and disgust of queerness is just one way the colonial violence of the past (ex. The common practice of Spanish colonizers feeding QTBIPOC2S folks, who they often in ironic insult called joyes, or jewels, alive to their dogs) is inextricably intertwined with the present. Note on language: I chose the gender neutral -e suffix rather than -x in order to make room for the possibility of the poem being read aloud.w 26

CONTENT WARNING: allusions to sexual violence, murder of trans folks.

In This Body i do not know or maybe it’s i’ve forgotten how to touch myself in this body spilling waves of self over pale and tangled sheets is this what it means to make a home marrow as mortar cement bone foundation plumbing leaking everywhere i still sometimes try to smudge you out of my skin Palo Santo for newness and maybe the will to fold laundry people like us were never meant to survive die before we can be killed or is it killed before we die murdered with each microaggression i can feel their teeth on my thigh pouring bruises over softness my softness anyway i am re-learning how to touch myself in this body sleeping wild mending the cartesian split is this the growing the getting older

This is a poem about the speaker’s reentry to intimacy with theirself after a traumatic event. The speaker’s transness is entangled with their experience of this event, and they grapple with both their personal dysphoria and larger inherited colonial legacies of violence towards trans folks, specifically trans folks of color, as they begin to experience pleasure again. The speaker is able to find comfort in legacies of QTBIPOC2S resilience.

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In this piece I wanted to explore grief and rage and the potential solace of a self-hold during a pandemic when touch can be so scarce. I asked myself, how can we rest and show up to care for ourselves during an election cycle that demands everything we have to give?

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Yash Mahawar

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Yash Mahawar is a third year Graphic Design student minoring in New Media Communications. Her photography is a new experiment to explore ideas she has been juggling her whole life of culture, queerness, femininity, and sensuality.

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M. N. “ OSU alum. A little lost in the world but trying to remain calm. Always wanting to create

An anti love poem 32

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and stay artistically active. Trying to normalize not going with the conformity of society.

A letter to my future family member.

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Emerson Levi Rose Barrett Emerson L.R. Barrett is a second year MA student in Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies with a minor in Queer Studies at OSU. Their artistic work focuses on trans embodiment, sexuality, and notions of masculinity.

Salt This work depicts my relationship with water. Growing up as a water baby; then moving away to a landlocked state only to return during a pandemic.

These three images, Chest, Masc, and Jaw, explore the politics of sexuality, queerness and embodiment that blur the boundaries imposed by heteropatriarchal binaries. The term queerness in my work goes beyond sexuality to include various deviations from norms that celebrate an authentic self. Whether it’s about the clothes you wear or the transgressive act of reclaiming your body, the inescapable politics of cissexism can be contested through small acts. Influenced by my politics, my life and my surroundings, my art extends the personal to a philosophical question of normalcy. This series focuses on how marginalized bodies articulate difference through everyday acts of rebellion.

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Quincy Meyers Minneapolis-raised poet and artist, Quincy Meyers, has been honing hir artistic skills with the colored pencil and poetic verse. Hir work explores themes of identity and expression.

Specifically, ze uses hir art to explore questions of gender and what it means to live a nonbinary life in a world organized around binaries. Examples of hir work include poetry gender euphoria associated and drawings illustrating what it like to cross gender lines.

Along with poetry and drawings, Quincy also writes creative nonfiction on a variety of topics ranging from hir personal experiences growing up intersex and genderqueer in a trans-cis family to hir travels in U.K., Ireland, Norway, and the Balkans engaging in Peace Studies.

Ode to Old Spice

There is a line in the deodorant isle I dare not cross an imaginary but still visible line between the pastel blues and purples of Lady’s Secret (the secret is apparently flowers by the way) and the steely gray and red of Old Spice (their scents baring oh so manly labels like “swagger” and “wilderness with lavender”).

Then I did not know crossing the line was even an option and I obliged their wishes like a good girl.

But today they are not here and I am a grown human with my own wallet.

Today I ignore the shelves of Lady’s Secret cross over the line and reach for the Old Spice deodorants and sample their scents before choosing my new scent to match my new wardrobe of flannels and jeans.

“Keep to the flowery scents in the pastel packaging or do you want to smell like a boy?” they said to me a preteen choosing hir first deodorant stick.

Often when discussing trans lives, gender dysphoria is a very prominent theme. In some ways, this is to be expected. For many trans people gender dysphoria is a very serious issue and it is, therefore, worthy of attention. However, sometimes in these discussions it can seem as if gender dysphoria and being trans are one and the same. This can create a bleak picture of trans lives and it excludes those who experience little to no gender dysphoria. In response to this context, in “Ode to Old Spice” I seek to bring attention away from gender dysphoria and toward gender euphoria in order to create a more hopeful outlook. To accomplish this, I draw on my own memories of the gender euphoria I have experienced while crossing everyday binary gendered lines. In sharing these memories, it is my hope other trans people, especially fellow genderqueer people, might begin to find better representations of themselves and a more hopeful outlook of their lives beyond gender dysphoria.

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Enter any department store in the United States and it becomes clear just how ubiquitous gendered binary lines are in our daily lives from pink and blue toys sections to men’s and women’s clothing sections. This binary organizing principle even extends to many aspects of personal care, including how we smell. In the drawing “The Line,” I illustrate what is like to stand in front this specific binary line between “men’s” and “women’s” deodorants as a trans person who may not feel comfortable smelling of the deodorant associated with the gender they were assigned at birth. This is done through using the colors of the packaging on Lady’s Secret and Old Spice deodorants as the background and placing the person standing before the line, their mind clouded with negative thoughts in the moments before deciding to cross the divide. Given how most people are conditioned from an early age to avoid the other section of the store, this experience is likely one many trans people will recognize.

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